You Tube Is A Cruel Mistress

Cheeeeeeers Bitches and a Happy Friday to you all.  Do you know why I am coming to you on Friday rather than Thursday?  Of course you don’t, but allow me to assplain…

Oh sure, you may think it was because I was partying hard on Wednesday night, but I don’t.

Much like Protestants, I celebrate the Lord on Wednesdays for whatever reason.  Okay…seriously?  I don’t celebrate the Lord on Wednesday but I am at the Beer Mine til’ 9, so I don’t engage in a day full of debauchery.

Anyhoo…The reason and/or reasons that I forgot to post yesterday is due to more than a couple of contributing factors…

First of all, I am old.  I can’t remember what day is what anymore especially since my BFF Schmoop works different days every week.  I like a rigid schedule as far as work goes, but anymore with deli girl being all over the place schedule wise, my decrepit mind knows not what day it is.

A related factor is that the older I get, the more my less than stellar attention span becomes.  I have always been a, “I See Something Shiny” kind of guy, but as the years get longer, my attention span grows even shorter.

And perhaps, the biggest contributing factor of my forgetfulness about yesterday’s post was this…

With the addition to our Worst Song of the Week segment and more inclusive use of stupid audios spewed by others during the IWS Radio Show, I go onto You Tube more than ever, and this requires a lot of You Tube research.

See?  When I go onto You Tube to find a really bad song, and type in Wildfire by Michael Martin Murphey or whatever, other suggestions of songs pop up, and they are all horrid.  And?  I have to listen to all of them to make certain that I am not missing out on bringing you the very worst music ever recorded.

And this Sunday on the IWS Radio Show?  Jayman and I are talking about people who just need to shut the fuck up and shut their whore mouths, so…

Last night when I got home from the Beer Mine, I went to You Tube and conjured up video after video of famous and not so famous people saying incredibly stupid, annoying, and/or idiotic things, but here’s the problem…

I began searching around 11 PM and the next thing I knew, it was 1 AM and even though I hadn't eaten, I was exhausted and went to bed.  Funny thing about You Tube.

It sucks a person in with video suggestions and the next thing you know, it’s two hours later.  I hate You Tube, and…

I love it as well, and couldn’t live without it, however…it should have a growing old/ADD option where it shuts down for three minutes after playing one video.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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This Thanksgiving, Matt-Man Is Giving Til' It Hurts

With less than a week before America gluttonously celebrates Thanksgiving with food, wine, and Black
Friday shopping specials, I thought it would be nice to take time and reflect on the word Thanksgiving itself…Specifically, the last half of said word.

Giving.

While it is nice that at this time of year people trumpet with clarion call for what they are thankful, it would be nice to hear more from the trumpeting brass section of life about what people are doing in the matter of giving.

I being a humble man, hate to broadcast the many nice things I have done for others, but I feel perhaps it is time to exploit relate a couple of incidences of my generosity that I have shown recently in order to give people a push to do the same in their lives.

Recently, Jayman approached me and asked if we could not do a show this Sunday, November 23rd.  He said that he needed to spend quality time with his family in honor of Thanksgiving.  I said, “Of course, family comes first.”  However…

When Blog Talk Radio CEO Alan Levy was informed about us not doing this Sunday’s show, he with gnashing of the teeth and a less than competent posse of knife-wielding tech ninjas surrounding him said…

“You will surely do a show, or…you will surely die.”

Jayman along with a steel-spined and giving Matt-Man by his side, stood resolute…

Needless to say, we are still on Blog Talk Radio, but are not doing a show this Sunday.  And then?

The Beer Mine has a relatively new employee.  Beer Mine Beth has been with us for some seven months now and has kids…kids who desperately want, need, and hope to spend the blessed day of Thanksgiving with their mama, but…there was problem.

The Beer Mine (conveniently located at the corner of Elmore and Burnett Rd. in Bagwine, OH.) is open on Thanksgiving and Beth typically works on Thursdays.  Yours truly could not bear to envision her precious little ones spending Thanksgiving Day wiping away the tears, longing to be held in a maternal grasp while foraging on cold Beefaroni, so…

I told Beer Mine Beth that I would work Thanksgiving Day for her.  Sure I know…I could be spending it at home with my family, but, well…my family understands that the Welcome Mat laid upon the stoop of my heart and good-nature is one that reads:  “Wipe your troubles from off your feet; and at my giving table, please have a seat.”

Sure, it’s a pretty large welcome mat that contains that message, but let me tell you…the front porch of my heart is big enough to display it.

And well…That’s what I am all about this Thanksgiving...giving.  In fact, while some folks call me Matt-Man, some call me Matt, and others even call me Matty.  For all of the giving that I have been giving this Thanksgiving, I want to be known as the Amattican Red Cross.

Please follow my Christ-Like example, and as always…

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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Brotherly Love, Baby!!

Last night, I was feeling a bit uncomfortable…out of my realm…unsure…kinda like I was waiting for
something to happen.

Schmoop was at work; I had nothing meaningful to do, and well…the internet was void of anything exciting upon which to comment.

And then…

My brother Party Marty called (far right).

Marty didn’t have anything going on either…so we talked about crap we did when we were kids, and guess what?  We laughed, and laughed out loud.

And, we talked and laughed for about forty-five minutes.

Let me tell ya…

As far as people here in Bagwine, Ohio, there are but two people who I open up to and leave a conversation out of breath because I have been laughing too loud and for too long…and that is my BFF Schmoop, and my brother, Party Marty.

I am happy…er…happy to exponitiate (it’s a word now)…that I am grateful that I am blessed with at least two people in my hometown that I can not only talk to, but visit via e-mail, phone, or in person, and any time I want to, share a laugh…or a hundred.

Y’know…sometimes we’re not totally unhappy…sometimes we’re not altogether sad…but, when we need a pick-me up of sorts, because we’re bored…Ol’ Party Marty, lead singer of The Dreamboats and friend of the IWS Radio Show, is the man.

He is as hilariously crude in private, and yet, he is reputable and thoughtful in public.  I like that.

I’m not verbally cloistered like that by any means, but I enjoy a sense of  brotherly love and pre-emptive laughter when I hear Marty begin a comment with…

“Matt…Let me tell you what I said the other day…but don’t repeat it.”

Ha.  Schmoop is the same way.

I admit…I am out there on this website and our radio show, and want to make a name for myself and IWS Radio, but Marty and Schmoop?  They want to go through life calmly, nicely, yet anonymously.  (And in my brother’s case…successfully, that bastard)

But anyhoo…

I have to admit, that if I had neither Marty or Schmoop by my side, I would be selling used pencils and erasers at the Beer Mine…

Conveniently located at the corner of Elmore and Burnett Rd, but instead…

Even though they want to go through life anonymously, those two keep me laughin', keep me motivated, and keep me trying to make them laugh, and I know if I can make them laugh...I can make otherwise normal people laugh.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattmaniws
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A Mexican Immigrant Has Sent Me Upon a Trail of Tears

Cheers and a Happy Thursday to you all…well…to all of you, but uno.

“What, you ask?  Is Matt-Man feeling down on somebody?  That is so unlike him.”, you mutter.

Yes IWS Radio fans, readers, and listeners…

I am feeling a bit of anger and let down by a person who I thought to be a friend of mine, and to the IWS Radio Show and its vast and diverse worldwide audience as well.

For those of you who follow Jay, myself, and IWS Radio, you may recall a man by the name of Luis.  Or know him by the moniker The Ice Man.

Luis is a Mexican immigrant who last summer became a U.S. citizen, and who has for years and continues to this day, to deliver bags of ice to the Beer Mine…conveniently located at the corner of Elmore and Burnett in Bagwine, Ohio.

Anyway…Luis is…er, was…a friend of the show.

We have had Luis and his wife as well mind you, on the show a couple of times in order to celebrate his rough journey from the poverty of Mexico to his travels both physically and legally into becoming a U.S. citizen.

It was but a year or so ago when I posted a congratulatory message of …um…congratulations to him on becoming an official U.S. citizen on this very website.

Jay and I also simulcasted our appreciation of his efforts on the IWS Radio show when it all went down.

Luis was happy to be on the show…asked me every week during his drop off how the show was doing , and was rooting us on.

Yeah, we were all a big happy Mexican-Family back then when IWS Radio was but a cute little show, and then?  A year later, after the slow yet eventual Americanizing of Mr. Luis had clasped her eagle talons and amber waves of grain upon him…he evidently changed.

Monday, when he stopped by the Beer Mine to make his ice delivery, I told him that IWS Radio is now getting between 15-20,000 listens a week, and he responded in a tone that spoke of bewilderment…

“Why?”, and before I could respond he added…

“What the hell kind of people listen to you guys?”

I was in a word…hurt.

See?  Here we are…

Jay, Matt, and the entire IWS Radio Nation standing behind the struggles and ultimate victory of Luis overcoming his treacherous desert journey, his trail of tears upon a hike amongst scorpions, thugs, and the Chupacabra, and at long last liberty achieving his goal of American Citizenship, and what do we get in return?

Nothing but a hot, Baja California-Sized dose of German schadenfreude from a Mexican who is now an American.  Un…fucking…believable!!

I am still happy that Luis has become an American, but what I am not happy about, is that he has become in one short year, typically American.

Americans root for the underdog and then when said up and comer gets a taste of success, Americans chew and claw at the success of the underdog like the aforementioned Chupacabra.

It breaks my heart Luis…It breaks my heart, but nonetheless…Make sure you bring our ice by 3 o’clock this coming Monday if you haven’t taken the day off, or called in sick like Americans tend to do on Mondays.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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What The Hell Is Wrong With You People!?

Cheers, and a Happy Cambodian Day of Remembrance to you all.  I hope your respectful introspections and reflections go well today.

Y’know folks… In day to day life, I am pretty much a go along, get along kinda guy as far as where other people are concerned.

Everyone has their own foibles, flaws, and quirks.  To which, when I see them on parade, while I may chuckle, I typically just say to myself, “Ha, whatever.”

However…

When those foibles, flaws, and quirks seem to have just taken a dose of stupid steroids, I have to ask to myself and out loud…

What the HELL is wrong with YOU!!?

For instance, yesterday morning I learned that, twenty-two year old Danielle Shea had been arrested for calling in two bomb threats just prior to the Quinnipiac University’s 2014 graduation ceremony.  It seems that Ms. Shea had been living a bit of a lie.

She hadn’t attended QU since 2012 but her parents thought she had been, and expected her to be graduating this spring.  So my oh my, when the family shows up and sees Danielle in her cap and gown, but not her name on the list of graduates, the not so college graduate panics and calls in a bomb threat in order to get the ceremony cancelled.

Ms. Shea?  Danielle?  May I call you Danielle?  You had eighteen months to plan for this day.  In that time, couldn’t you have just told mom and dad that you had dropped out, or at least had an extremely well done forgery of a QU diploma made, and told them that you were skipping the ceremony?

Nooooooooooo…You had to dress the part, realize too late that you were a dumb ass, and then call in a couple of bomb threats.  WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?

Middletown, Ohio has a new group looking out for your interests and have been handing out fliers promoting their good cause.  It seems that after an arson of a white homeowners house in that city, a new group called, The White Guard is looking out for you white guys and gals in Middletown, OH.

This group states…“Are you a white person who feels unsafe in your own home or on the streets of your city due to the behavior of local black savages who prey on and terrorize whites?” (WHIO-TV Video Link)

Seriously?  In all likelihood it was a couple of stupid teens, be they black, white, or chartreuse who perpetrated the arson.  But, I guess you can use this tragic event as a rallying cry for your hate as you did.
To which I ask of course…WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?

And even closer to home and on a more personal level…One of our Beer Mine customers the other day came to purchase some wonderful Beer Mine products.  After his order had been rung up his debit card was run to pay for it.  The card was declined. When hearing this, said customer replied…

“Damn, that’s what they told me at the Speedway up the street ten minutes ago.  All the credit card machines must be messed up today.”

Oh…Dear…God…What…The…Hell…Is…Wrong…With…You!?

As I said folks, I try to go along and get along, but damn.  Sometimes even for a man of my patience and understanding, I sometimes crack.  And well?

It makes my brain hurt.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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I Need Answers!!

Cheeeeeeeeers and a tremendously happy Thursday to you all!!

I am, as the hipsters would have said some thirty years ago, “stoked.”

Why is that you ask?  Well, let me tell ya.

For the first time in a lonnnnnnng time, I have the entire day of Thursday off…on a regular basis no less.  It’s true!!

I am going to be productive, relax some as well, tip a few, and enjoy with gusto, my new found time away from the Beer Mine.  However…

Before I can truly enjoy the day, I need your help.  I need some questions answered so I can quit thinking about them, and get to the important business of relaxing and focusing on Sunday’s IWS Radio Show.

First of all.  Jayman and I briefly touched upon this a month or so ago on the radio show.  How is it that Jesus’ birthday is celebrated on the same day every year, but his death and resurrection is on a different day every year?  Something about that just doesn’t sound kosher, and I’d like to know the reasoning behind it.

Why does Ed Schultz have a show on MSNBC and a syndicated radio show?  The guy is a freak show. Don’t get me wrong; he’s great to make fun of, but he’s a train wreck.  Also riddle me this?  Sean Hannity and I actually agree on this summation of Eddie; which of us comes off looking worse for agreeing with the other?

Set me straight people…Rep. Vance McAllister (R-Cocktown) was caught on video making out with his staffer Melissa Peacock (R-Slutsville), both of whom are married…She resigns, and he remains a Congressman and a, “champion of traditional family values.”  Could somebody…anybody…please explain the logic and justice in the results of this affair?

If you are a regular reader of this blog you know that we have been celebrating National Poetry Month, which begs a serious question.  If a poem is written in the forest and there is no one around to read it, does it rhyme? I need to know!!

I am still seeing hash tags on Twitter in reference to #CancelColbert.  Really? People are still trying to cancel the Colbert Report because of the Ching Chong Ding Dong thing?

I read an article on Salon.com which interviewed Suey Park who basically started this thing, and she said “whiteness is the enemy” of Asian-Americans.

That seems pwetty wacist to me but hu am I to judge?  But, rell…maybe Suey Park needs to show a rittle wespectful sirence on dis one.  Am I wight?

Let’s say, hypothetically of course, that I have a hot friend who got divorced just days ago…

Is there a waiting period before I hit on her, and/or make lewd sexual comments toward her? I’d like to hit upon, and/or talk dirty to her, but only in the most appropriate, and socially acceptable manner.  I’m a gentleman in that regard.

Lastly…

When Jay and I do our show prep call today, should I wear shorts and a T-Shirt, or merely obscure my nakedness ‘neath the comfort of a silk robe?

I need your help and insight folks; my happiness, and the lives of millions of Americans are depending on you.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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Jay and Matt Shared, and Hot Canadian Chicks Showed Up

Hi Y'all...Matt-Man here.

If you missed us LIVE yesterday on Blog Talk Radio, you can catch us in the IWS Radio archives right HERE.

Jayman and I had a great show...

We talked about how people take and never give.

We talked NCAA basketball, and how certain people ask for a 24 hr rule against gloating, and yet when "their team" is a winner, they don't adhere to said rule...

"That Snake chick be an aspy bitch in the Garden of Eden", says one Jon Bok Choyvie!!

Greg called in and told us of his travails of having no chance of winning Trailer of the Year this year because the owners of said lot, just don't like his rebellious character.

We also talked to our favorite Canadian, Jamie, and it was molten lava HAWT!!

What did we say as we talked with Jaaaaaaaaaamie?

Pfffffffffffffffffffffffft...You'll have to listen to find out, but let me tell ya..She loves us in her own, personal way.

We also had Joshua with a movie review, Paul Piatt with a poem, and of course, the erstwhile Tammy Tibbles bringing the comfort factor.

All in all?

It was, as always, an award winning show.

If you missed it LIVE, you can always catch it in archives right below.  Do us a solid and not only play it, tell your friend what a good show it was, and have them play it too.

Annnnnnnnd if you are into links, you could play it right HERE:

We thank you in advance!!

You Won't Believe What Happened at Work Yesterday

Cheeeeeeeers Chuckleheads, Matt-Man here.

You are not going to believe what happened to me and the owner of the Beer Mine (conveniently located at the corner of Elmore and Burnett Road in Bagwine, OH.) yesterday.

I got there, as I always do, around 2 P.M.  Mike (the owner) and I were making small talk about how cold it has been and how much colder it will be getting, and then?

BAM!!  SPLASH!! BAZINGA!! CRASH!!

We both raced out of the semi-warm office to find what the noise was, and lo and behold, we couldn‘t believe our own sets of paired eyes as we stared at the drive thru floor and cooler doors.

I looked at Mike, and asked him…

“Holy Cow!!  Can you believe that shit?”

And Mike responded with much the same disbelief…

“Damn, that is fucking crazy!!”

We stared in disbelief for twenty seconds or so, although it seemed like an hour, and then looked at each other, and spontaneously and simultaneously said to one and other with mouths agape…

“This is July 24, 2012 all over again!!”

Just as we were preparing to fix the catastrophe, our buddy and one of our regulars, Keith, pulls in and says…

“Holy Shit…What the hell just happened?  That’s fucked up.”

Mike told him that maybe he should just take his beer, quit staring, and move along, but shortly afterward, as Mike and I were discussing what to do, Casey pulled in.

Ah yes, the affable, adorable, and hot Casey of the long reddish-brown hair, perky personality, and perkier breasts pulled in and said…

“Ha!!  You guys have quite the mess on your hands.  Could I get a case of Bud Light, a pack of smokes, and a bottle of wine while you are cleaning up.?”

After Mike and I argued over who would wait on Casey while the other began to clean up the devastation, I gave Casey her change, collected a well-deserved tip, and Mike said to me…

“Matt-Man, come here…You ain't going to believe what this shit left behind.”

And I didn't…It was supernatural.

After the events of July 24, 2012, I never believed that this would have ever happened at the Beer Mine again, and then Mike said to me…

“You know? We go to work every day; we do right by the Lord, and yet?  This same shit keeps happening over and over again.”

I looked upon the catastrophe that had just taken place, and with Mike’s words in my head said unto myself…

“Mike speaks the truth, but damn, and in spite of the suffering that took place here today…That Casey chick is hot.”

And there you go…a story of mayhem, rue, and regret from the Beer Mine.  May your today be better than your yesterday.

And let me tell you...if this ever happens again, you will be the first to know!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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Matt-Man's 2014 Bucket List

Cheeeeeeeers and Happy New Year’s Eve to you all, you adorable Chuckleheads, you!!

It is indeed New Year’s Eve and you know what that means…

In addition to over imbibing, over eating, and having regretful post-stroke-of-midnight sex with somebody you wouldn’t have found attractive or even remotely likeable at 7 PM, we all make resolutions for the New Year!!

Well my friends, I am no different, but my resolutions are more of a Bucket List kinda thing for the year that lies ahead of us.  Following, is a list of what I want to do and/or accomplish during 2014.

1.  I am going to do my best to help Schmoop find a job whether she likes it or not.  Sorry Schmoop.

2.  I am going to look for a new job myself.  If I could find one that paid me enough to allow Schmoop to stay home, I would be a happy man.  I have never even remotely thought that way about any other woman in my life.

3.  I would like to get a CORPORATE sponsor for the IWS Radio Show.  Are we great show?  No.  Are we a pretty good show and website deserving of someone’s cash?  Yeah…and?  We’re usually Numero Uno. So, Ima gonna work on that.

4.  Sometime between June and September, I want to take a week off. Other than when I was in the hospital for a week in 2009 and unemployed for a couple of months in 2010, I haven’t had a week of real vacation since 2007.  The most I have gotten is two days off in row once every six-eight months.

5.  Considering the vacation thing and that I may assume a mild windfall of cash this year, I would like to take part of my week off and make a road trip to Redneckville, AR and finally in corporeal form, meet Jayman.

It would be an experience of a lifetime to go to Hudson’s “The People Pleasin’ Place” Grocery Store and Colton’s Restaurant with Jayman, and ultimately get thrown out of both establishments hand in hand.

6.  I would like to finally get divorced, annulled, and/or all-encompassingly dissoluted from my son’s mom. What the hell is up with that?  I know what it is, and I’ll explain it in Number 7.

7.  When and if Jayman and I make money on our show, the IWS Radio Corporation and monetary scale will be as so…Jayman CEO (50% of revenues), Schmoop CFO (49% of revenues), Matt-Man Bit Player (1% of revenues).  Don’t tell me that I’m not always thinkin’!!  Mommy Dearest will have no reason to still be married to me after that!!

8.  I am going to continue to be myself.  Some folks during the end of the year say things like, “I am going to be nicer.  More tolerant.”

Eh?  I am pretty nice, but I know that I am also a sarcastic asshole at times, and well, I like that.  It’s me, and I’m pretty good at it, so…I’m going to make sure that I remain that way.

9.  I am going to try Chocolate Almond Soy Milk……Ha!!  Yeah right.

10.  I am going to relax.  I may seem laid back and I am intellectually, but emotionally and in a physical sense, I never am.  Hell, I am already taking my shoes off more than usual, so, well…I am already making progress.

And in related news…Jayman and I did our first PRIMETIME IWS Radio Show this past Sunday and talked about stuff like this and it was a hoot!!

You should give it a listen…It will get you in the spirit of the New Year, and get your party preparations in high gear!!

Happy New Year, and Cheeeeeers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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IWS Radio IS Ready for Primetime!!

Happy Friday, Second Day of Kwanzaa, and National Fruitcake Day to one and all, and I hope that
everyone reading this, had a wonderful time celebrating the birth of the Holy Baby Jeebus this week.

I know I did.  I spent Christmas Eve at my brother Marty’s house and my son was actually there, and he had a present for ME.  It’s true!!

It was a Christmas miracle, and really?

The entire evening there was quite fun, because unlike many families, me and my brothers and sisters, get along pretty well.  But you know what I told my son Ryno Christmas Eve because I found it to be somewhat disturbing?

When I am with my brothers, even at six feet tall, I am the shortest Mahoney man in the room.  Hey, I know I was the baby of the family, but Mom and Dad, could you have spared an inch or two for me?

Wait…That didn't sound right, did it? Oh well, and anyhoo…

I, and certainly Jayman as well, hope that all of you gorgeous miscreants had a delightful Christmas.

Religious affiliation (or not) and/or whatever type of observances that you may or may not have had aside, Christmas is a great touchstone and catalyst for having fun with friends, family, and the ones whom you love.

Unless of course you send a very dear friend a picture of hot dog to their Facebook page as a token of Christmas joy and they end up deleting your wiener.  That right there is just plain, hurtful bullshit, but I digress, but I may discuss this issue further this Sunday on the IWS Radio Show, which by the way…

Is going PRIMETIME!!

Dat’s right Bitches!!  IWS Radio is going to be airing LIVE THIS SUNDAY from 8-10 PM ET, and probably will have that same time slot for at least 10-12 weeks.

Y’see?  The President and CEO of Blog Talk Radio Alan Levy approached Jay and I about going to a primetime slot because in his words…

“Primetime in the winter on BTR really slows down.  It has no pizzazz.  We need you guys….We need the IWS Radio team…We need you guys to be the straw that stirs the BTR primetime drink.”

So…I begged Drive-By Mikey to allow me to work the Beer Mine seven days a week, so that I would be sober at 8 PM ET on Sundays in order to do the show and help Alan Levy out.

Mikey put up a struggle, but he acquiesced and said to me…

“As much as I enjoy working Sundays, if you do an 8 PM show on a day that you are off, you won’t be able to dial in to the switchboard let alone talk coherently on the air.  Don’t get all gushy and thank me, but Sundays are all yours from now on Matt-Man.”

And there you have it.

So…Join us LIVE this Sunday from 8-10 PM ET as we go primetime and look back on 2013 and look ahead to 2014 during the IWS Radio 2014: Bigger and Stoopider show.

Me, Jay, Guy Ahnyurdyck, Rev. Moneymaker, Drew Peacock, Dana, Malcolm Eckstein, and a host of others will be on hand to celebrate the New Year and Kwanzaa!!

To join us LIVE this Sunday, you can click HERE.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
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Yom Kippur: An Ex-Catholic's Road to Damascus

Cheers and L’chaim my fellow inglorious bastards…

Matthew Patrick Mahoney here for IWS Radio.

Why do I utilize my entire and actual name during this address to you?

Because today at sunset begins Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement, and I want to participate.

“That’s great.”, you say…but why do you long to be Jewish now, you ask?

Because my name Matthew is Hebrew (Gift of God), and Patrick in Latin, means “nobleman.”

So just shut the hell up and listen to me...THE Gift of God Nobleman, and truthfully?

You don’t even know, bitches.

Anyhoo…

As I am assuming the role of a Jew gone wrong, I’d like to atone for some of my sins this year…so far.

I’d like to say first and foremost, that I should simply be professional at the Beer Mine, and attend to our customers without flirting.

A nubile, 30 something customer with gorgeous Strawberry blonde hair and plump, yet awesome thighs, comes through on a daily basis.

Today, she asked me, “Don’t you love this cooler weather?"

To which I said, “No, I like it hot; and when it’s hot it only takes me two minutes to dress.”

She responded, “Well, I do understand that.”

And I said, “When it’s winter; it takes me twenty-five minutes to dress, of course, if I had a helper, it would only take twelve point five minutes.”

She giggled, looked down at the lack of a bulge in my pants, and drove off.

Why do I have to drive a completely innocent and good-natured customer/sales guy relationship into the perverse ground of sex?

Because I can…I do…and I shall stop.

Well, except for Kristina...Kristina who comes through late nights and told me that she likes to watch my biceps flex when I pick up her case of Bud Light bottles.

I mean. c’mon…she likes to watch my less than average biceps flex, so to deny her that less than special moment, would be a less than special sin, and plus…

I call her Special K, she calls me Special M, and well, it gives her a giggle, and seriously, that’s what I’m all about, but I guess even then, I may be truly ripping apart her femininity when I do that, so I shall stop.

I know what I won’t do FOR SURE next year…

I won’t post a picture of a Happy 9-11 Anniversary Cake on my Facebook page, because people hate satirical pictures and or writings anti-American electorate images and posts on their Facebook news feed.

And well that's because they are stupid…er…I mean…they have different sensibilities than I do, and I have to accept that…and I will.

You know what’s funny?

I have spontaneously apologized for flirting with my customers at work and posting “controversial” stuff on the internet.

But you know what’s sad?

At least for this year, I think in all truthfulness, those offenses are pretty damn lame.

And because of those two things being the nadir of my current offensiveness...I apologize to you all, and seek atonement from myself...for evidently growing old.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
Mattman_IWS
My Facebook Page

Instant Karma Is Gonna Get You!!

Cheeeeeeeers Chuckleheads!!

It’s good to see you all on this most inspiring first Tuesday in September.

Jayman and I put on one helluva IWS Radio show this past Sunday, and if you missed it LIVE, you can catch all the hilarity right HERE.  And trust me, we had a topless babe on the air, and it was HOT!!

Anyhoo…

Many people in my life, and no I am not kidding Jayman and others, think I am far too nice to people.  One of whom who thinks this, is my boss, and owner of the Beer Mine at which I work, Drive-By Mikey.

Don’t get me wrong, while we do sell a ton o’ beer everyday, 95% of the folks who come through are pleasant and behaved, but…

The other 5% can be rude, self-absorbed, whiny, stupid assholes.

I nearly always rise above the instances of a jerk coming through, and Mike has often told me, “Man, you are too nice sometimes; I would have told that jerk to go to hell.”

I have always and to this day do respond…

“Eh, it wasn’t time to jump on him (or her), but no worries, I keep notes of people on a Rolodex in my head.”

After I say that, Mike usually responds, “Whatever.”  Because that is something that I have always told Mike about me that he doesn't understand...that being…

Patience is not only a virtue…it’s a well-conceived time bomb.

See?  Two weeks ago, this dude in a pick em up truck came through and asked for a 12 pack of Miller Lite and a bag of ice.

I gave said thirsty man his order.  He drove outside of the Beer Mine, out the contents in his cooler, and thennnn…He came into the office with empty box and plastic bag, and said, “Here, trash.”

I thought to myself…”Oh no you didn't just do that?”  But I bit my tongue and took it.

Last week, he came through and ordered the same thing, and wouldn't you know..?  He brought me his trash again and never uttered a word!!  No at word of “thanks”.  Not a word of, “Is this okay?”  Not a word of,  “Do you mind?”

To which I said to myself…

“Y’know Lord…I try to be a good person.  I try to live by your word. In fact, other than my occasional drunkenness which I confine to my home (and on my Facebook page), I try to be a non-judgmental, get along, go along kinda guy…but if this rude motherfucker ever comes through here again, I am going to pass judgment.”

Well my friends, yesterday Rude Man came through, and it was Judgment Day!!

He ordered a 12 pack of Miller Lite, and a small bag of ice.

The order came to $12.10.

The man only had $12.00, so he asked me…

“Can you front me a dime?”

Oh Dear God!!  The responses that ran through my mind!!  Five hours of responses that actually lit up every synapse in my brain in a mere two seconds.

I said to rude Mr. Trash Man…

“Aren't you the guy who gives me your trash every week?  That’s pretty rude.”

He responded, “I could have just thrown it in your lot.”

“Or you could have thrown your trash into the bed of your truck like most people do.”, I said.

And as Mikey came out to see what was going on, he heard…

“So you won’t give me dime?”

And I said, “Nope, because you are rude.”

And the dude said, “I guess I’ll take my business elsewhere.” and then he drove off.

After that, Mike and I did the fist hit and Mike said…

“After ten years in this business, I have come to realize that if we could just kick the assholes out and break even, it would be better than making a lot of money dealing with them, and I see now why you have that stupid Rolodeck or whatever that you talk about.”

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Parents Today..? They Suck!!

Cheeeeeers Chuckleheads!!

I have some advice for you, and I have talked about this before…NEVER come through our Drive-Thru, the Beer Mine, without an idea of you want.

And by the same token…

Never go through the Drive-Thru line at Mickey D’s, Wendy’s, or in my case as it was tonight, Rally’s, without a purpose and agenda driven menu in mind.

Rally’s makes burgers, fries, other sandwiches, and ice cream cones,

Their menu, while delicious, is very Spartan-Like.

Why the fuck do some of you have to fuck up the ease and gliding through of Rally’s, by wanting your sandwiches, “special?”

Listen Mom Van/SUV driving soccer mom who has three kids, and a need to get the best deal possible because you can’t afford the Cadillac Escalade that you are in…

Could you please smack your kids, say, “give us five double cheeseburgers“, and then move on?

Noooooo, of course you can’t…

You have to explain to the whiny, high-pitched end of the Drive-Through speaker, that your precious Ashley, and your somber son Bryce, both hate onions, and while Ashley will accept a tomato on her burger, Bryce simply will not!!

Poor Bryce…

And while not afflicted with a peanut allergy, one of Bryce’s future High School buddies is going to kick his ass no later than the tenth grade for holding up their buddy’s car in the Drive-Thru lane, because you have turned him into a self-obsessed weenie who demands that no tomato shall grace his bun.

Where exactly do you fucking people come from?  Oh, I know…

From the United States of uhMEica!!

Why do I say that, you ask? Because many of you people who frequent a Drive-Thru at a fast food joint, or a bank, or someplace like the Beer Mine, are overly self-involved…and lazy.

I have had people come through with kids, and while Mom says that she wants a pack of cigarettes of whatever kind, I have three cars outside waiting all the while she also says…

“My children are deciding what kind of chips that they want.”

First of all, one does not grocery shop in a Drive-Thru, and secondly, your kids should get whatever the hell chips that YOU decide that they should get, and if they don’t like them?

Fuck Em’!!

I know that four year old Crystal and six year old Nathan are very cute, but there are thirsty beer drinking people behind you and your spawn, and that is where we make our money!!

Oh, and by the way, Ms. Mother To Two and Wife To None, I didn’t appreciate that you just complained about our cigarette prices.  Sure..

We are a bit higher than most, but that is because you don’t have to get out of your car.

And really?  Isn’t that a lot of trouble for you; I know how you like the drive-by transaction?  Oh…

Here’s a couple of suckers for the kids; tell them that dinner is on me.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

The Beer Mine...Offering Folks a Respite From the Heat

Cheers Chuckleheads and welcome to Summer 2013.  A heat wave has finally hit the Greater Bagwine Metroplex as temps will be in the 90’s all week.

On top of that, the owner of the locally famous and world wide infamous Beer Mine is on vacation this week so that leaves yours truly in charge of operations through this Saturday.

I feel that I should make my mark in the drive through beverage business and enact some changes while Drive-By Mikey is away.

So, The Beer Mine will be celebrating a different theme every day this week…

Monday is Free Wing Day!!  If you so choose, I will, like a cannon, wing a 40 oz. bottle of King Cobra Malt Liquor at you and if you catch it, it’s yours FREE.  If it shatters and forever disfigures your face, you owe me a buck ninety-two.

Tuesday is Buy One Get One Free Day!!  Anything and everything we sell at The Beer Mine is two for one; of course, Tuesday is also Twice the Usual Price on All Products Day, so it’s a win-win for both myself and the patrons.

Wednesday is Hump Day!!  Sometimes, I just love to give of myself and go all out for the customers.

Thursday is Thirsty Thursday!!  With every purchase of $100 or more, you will receive a free dum dum sucker and a voucher for a free bottle of ice cold Ice Mountain water on your next visit.

Friday is Freaky Friday!!  I know that when you come through this Friday you are going to happily stupefied when you notice upon your leaving that I have given you back then entire amount of change you were due.  Sure, it’ll cut down on my “tips”, but I am willing to sacrifice for you, the customer.

Saturday is Fire Sale Day!!  Why a Fire Sale you ask?  Because, after working sixty-seven hours at The Beer Mine this week, I am going to torch the joint to the ground.

So there you have it…a week of good-natured celebration as we endure the week of heat that has come to visit the Bagwine, Ohio area.

While you are deciding which day or days are best for you to through, you can listen to yesterday’s IWS Radio Show.  Jayman and I bought on the Heatwave of Hilarity.  We along with Chris Matthews, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton talked about the George Zimmerman verdict.  Ed from Detroit chimed in as well.

Dusty Sandman had the traffic report, Dixie Ozark interviewed Bobby Kraft about his motion picture debut, and we capped things by talking with Mrs. Luis who is married to one of America’s newest citizen, Luis the Beer Mine Iceman.  We also announced the debut of the Paul Piatt Facebook page.

If you missed it live you can listen to all of the hot hilarity right here:

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page