Guest Post: Conflicted Feelings About the Kentucky Derby

Hello from Kentucky!

As last year’s guest blogger did such an atrocious job (yes you Justin), I decided to try my hand at exploring the rich traditions of the Kentucky Derby. I also know nothing about blogging so I stole Justin from Lexington's idea to write in letter form as well. I won't be stealing anything else from him. I don't think he has anything else of value.

In all honesty, I have vast knowledge about any large number of things. The Derby isn't one. But I do know how I feel about the beauty and the ugliness of it all. Round these parts, horse racing is serious business!  Trust me when I tell you that nothing in Kentucky is more important than horses. Except college basketball. And Bourbon. How bout them Wildcats!! Doesn't Mila Kunis look hot in all those Jim Beam ads?

But I digress. Which happens frequently.

In all honesty, the horse racing industry comes with a shit load of problems. Even simple folks like me know that it’s, well...shady. I mean, it’s almost unforgivable. In the name of tradition, race horses are routinely abused. Sure, the ones you see running in the Derby are retired to a beautiful farm in the hills surrounding Lexington, put out to stud, to live in a sexual horse heaven.

But what about the average guy, uh horse? Sadly, if he's lucky, he'll be sold to a farm somewhere and become the "dream come true" for some child. If he isn't lucky, and most aren't, he will suffer with untold injuries from his racing days and be "put out of his misery" when the next horse comes along. He could be sent to a glue factory. Glue factory? Is that true?

We here in Kentucky tend to live in a fantasy world about the true life of a horse. We imagine that these sweet, sweet animals are all going to that perfect little farm in the country. We have to think this way. To truly pull the blinds back would mean giving up our traditions and heritage. So, we refuse to address it. Arguing with a Kentucky native (which I am not, but my 35 yrs here makes me a Kentuckian at heart) about the cruelties of the horse industry is akin to challenging our "We Are College Basketball" stance. It simply isn't done.

So, this weekend as you enjoy the rich heritage and tradition of the Kentucky Derby, the Mint Juleps, the hats, the bourbon, that are on display for all to see, remember that for every Derby horse you see, there are 10,000 who will be abused. We here in Kentucky will stay oblivious to the truth. 

The "Greatest Two Minutes in Sports" would be a great way to bring a national discussion to the forefront. It won't though. I have a secret belief that the REAL issue is tied to rich men and their need to see that the best horse gets the most action in his second career. Stud fees.

Enjoy the Derby!!!

Shirley Terrell
@srtgrace

Are You Hot Enough to Handle Two Hours with Jayman?

Cheeeeeeeers Chuckleheads and a Happy Tuesday to you all.

This past Sunday (per usual) Jay, myself, and the brilliant and hard working staff at IWS Radio put on yet another award-winning radio show, however…

A temporary tragedy has befallen us.  I have to work this Sunday because the new employee at the Beer Mine will be on vacation, so the March 30th show is hanging in the balance.

There are some options as to what to do this Sunday.

1.  We could do a show Sunday night at 8 P.M.

2.  We could take the week off, and not have a show.

Or…

3.  Jayman could do the show at our normal Noon-2 PM ET time slot with a guest co-host!!

Frankly my friends, I prefer option 3, and if we go that route, I want to toss out a couple of names of people who would make an excellent co-host (or not) to work with Jayman this Sunday.

1.  Blanche Lincoln.  That’s right. Being a fellow Arkansan, Jayman would feel right at home with the sultry former Senator from Arkansas.  The only drawback to Mizz Lincoln?

Although she looks likes a man and sounds like a man, Jayman finds her hot and she may be far too distracting during the show.

2.  Vladimir Putin.  Putin is a badass, and he would bring an edginess to the show that would bring out the inner-Bad Boy in Jayman. Unfortunately, Putin is also too much of a downer for a comedy show.  If only Boris Yeltsin was still alive. That would be comedy GOLD!!

3.  Al Roker.  I hate Al Roker, but I would love to hear Jayman ask him…“You know?  We’ve never had a fake weatherman on the IWS Radio Show.”  Roker would reply, “Bullshit…You have Kirk Douglas on here pretending to be a weatherman.”  And Jayman would respond, “Damn right, and if Kirk was here in studio with us, he would kick your ass for that comment.”

4.  Frank Bonner.  That’s right, WKRP’s very own Herb Tarlek.  Another fellow Arkansan who has ignored our requests to appear on our show over and over.  Perhaps, since Mr. Bonner really isn’t doing anything these days, the title of co-host on IWS Radio instead of being a mere guest would entice him to be on our show.

5.  James Garner.  A man whom we have reported so many damn times as being dead…you’d think he’d like to come on the show with Jayman just to prove us wrong!!

6.  Scarlett Johansson, Mila Kunis, and/or Natalie Portman.  If all, or any of these three hotties were co-hosting the show with Jayman, we’d have to title the episode…“Drooling and Masturbating with Jayman.”

Actually…That would be ratings gold, but following the show, BTR would probably exercise their terms of use agreement and kick us off the air permanently.

Lastly, and drum roll please….

7.  Saving the best for last, if she wanted to, Jayman could spend two hours…120 minutes…an afternoon of non-stop hilarity with…our favorite Canadian, Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaamie!!

Jamie is the Belle of the Ball, and the most awesome chick in Hammer Town, Canada.  Jamie could just read articles out of Popular Mechanics, Car and Driver, and Consumer Reports, and her voice would send the audience into a North of the Border frenzy unseen since the days of Pamela Anderson’s last breast augmentation.

So there you have it.  A few ideas for Jayman and the IWS Radio Show for this coming Sunday.

Enjoy your Tuesday, and whatever happens, we will as always, bring you the news first, fast, and factual.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page  

IWS Radio: We Are All Ukrainians Person of the Week

As the crisis in The Ukraine ramps up to very scary levels, IWS Radio wants to once again declare our solidarity with the Ukrainian people. So, our Person(s) of the Week this week are some of our favorite famous Ukrainians and of course, the Ukrainian people in general.

- Actress and Model Milla Jovovich

- Acress and Model Olga Kurylenko

- Sasha Cohen (American, but her mother is  Jewish immigrant from the Ukraine so she counts)

- Olympic Ice Skater Oksana Bauil

- Ukrainian Pop Singer Ani Lorak

- Dancing w/ the Stars Stud Maksim Chmerkovskiy

- Actress Mila Kunis

- Soccer Superstar Andriy Shevchenko

- Actress Hayden Panettiere  who is engaged to Wladimir Klitschko who is twice her size so she has lots of Ukrainian in her.

The thoughts and prayers of everyone here at IWS Radio are with the Ukrainian people today and always. 

Also, don’t forget to tune into “Lent 2014 is FAST Approaching” on IWS Radio and remember that we’re back on at 12 NOON ET!!!! 

Yom Kippur: An Ex-Catholic's Road to Damascus

Cheers and L’chaim my fellow inglorious bastards…

Matthew Patrick Mahoney here for IWS Radio.

Why do I utilize my entire and actual name during this address to you?

Because today at sunset begins Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement, and I want to participate.

“That’s great.”, you say…but why do you long to be Jewish now, you ask?

Because my name Matthew is Hebrew (Gift of God), and Patrick in Latin, means “nobleman.”

So just shut the hell up and listen to me...THE Gift of God Nobleman, and truthfully?

You don’t even know, bitches.

Anyhoo…

As I am assuming the role of a Jew gone wrong, I’d like to atone for some of my sins this year…so far.

I’d like to say first and foremost, that I should simply be professional at the Beer Mine, and attend to our customers without flirting.

A nubile, 30 something customer with gorgeous Strawberry blonde hair and plump, yet awesome thighs, comes through on a daily basis.

Today, she asked me, “Don’t you love this cooler weather?"

To which I said, “No, I like it hot; and when it’s hot it only takes me two minutes to dress.”

She responded, “Well, I do understand that.”

And I said, “When it’s winter; it takes me twenty-five minutes to dress, of course, if I had a helper, it would only take twelve point five minutes.”

She giggled, looked down at the lack of a bulge in my pants, and drove off.

Why do I have to drive a completely innocent and good-natured customer/sales guy relationship into the perverse ground of sex?

Because I can…I do…and I shall stop.

Well, except for Kristina...Kristina who comes through late nights and told me that she likes to watch my biceps flex when I pick up her case of Bud Light bottles.

I mean. c’mon…she likes to watch my less than average biceps flex, so to deny her that less than special moment, would be a less than special sin, and plus…

I call her Special K, she calls me Special M, and well, it gives her a giggle, and seriously, that’s what I’m all about, but I guess even then, I may be truly ripping apart her femininity when I do that, so I shall stop.

I know what I won’t do FOR SURE next year…

I won’t post a picture of a Happy 9-11 Anniversary Cake on my Facebook page, because people hate satirical pictures and or writings anti-American electorate images and posts on their Facebook news feed.

And well that's because they are stupid…er…I mean…they have different sensibilities than I do, and I have to accept that…and I will.

You know what’s funny?

I have spontaneously apologized for flirting with my customers at work and posting “controversial” stuff on the internet.

But you know what’s sad?

At least for this year, I think in all truthfulness, those offenses are pretty damn lame.

And because of those two things being the nadir of my current offensiveness...I apologize to you all, and seek atonement from myself...for evidently growing old.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
Mattman_IWS
My Facebook Page