Steve Kroft Is A Freak

Hi All…


Jay and Matt had a great show yesterday.

Steve Kroft showed up in order to escape his ass champagne drinking ways…

Matt and Schmoop got engaged…

Rev. Moneymaker was drunker than Hell, yet liked the fact that Matt and Schmoop lived no longer in sin.

Some of the worst songs ever were played…No…really.

Martin tried to calm us all down..

Schmoop called in our her new cell phone…Didn’t go well.

We celebrated the heroes of Charlie Hebdot.

We celebrated the late Bert Convy.

We later decided that the French were responsible for their evil fate due to bad music about pedophiles.

This post would be longer, but as we talked about Matt-Man being engaged, he has been ordered to bed.

Such a pity.

But for more Jay and Matt, please listen right here, as IWS Radio got their professional groove on, and made January a little more pleasant in spite of its brutal cold…

Steve Carell Can't Wait For the IWS Radio Office Christmas Party

Good morning people.  Steve Carell here for IWS Radio. Many of you know that I spent years working in an office environment, and well…it logically follows that I spent many a year planning and attending my share of office Christmas parties.

Our office Christmas parties were always full of fun, friendship, and frivolity, and well, at times…awkward moments, social gaffes, and in a case or two, a bit too much to drink.  The fine staff at the award winning studios of IWS Radio are no different, and will be celebrating their equally awkward 2014 Office Christmas Party LIVE.

Jay, Matt, and the entire staff at IWS Radio will be broadcasting their entire bawdy, tawdry, and explicitly funny Christmas party shenanigans LIVE tomorrow from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio.

Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio Players will be whooping it up as they celebrate drunken office party sex, their annual Christmas bonuses, and of course, the birth of the Holy Baby Jesus.

Stand-Up Santa will be live from Ha-Ha’s in Haifa, Jamie Mapleleaf will
be hummin’ in the Hammer, and Jesse Ferg will be singing his seasonal soul out.

Jay and Matt will offer rules of office party etiquette, provide culinary tips, talk with among others, the Rev. Moneymaker and Paul Piatt, and venture into the unspoken and nebulous world of Office Hanukkah parties.

The lovely Queen of Glazed Muffins Missalicious may be chiming in, and the adorable Deli Queen Schmoop will definitely be on hand in hopes of landing a new, wassailing, and drunken married man…bless her heart.

There will be laughs galore…music galore, and with any luck for members of the IWS staff, cheap and pre-regrettable sex galore.  

All of that plus your phone calls at 661.244.9852 as the IWS Radio staff drink to excess, crank up the Christmas tunes, and feast upon a smorgasbord of comedy at their 2014 Office Christmas Party.

To listen LIVE tomorrow from Noon-2 PM ET, click right HERE!!

Merry Christmas and/or a Happy Otherwise Somewhat Noteworthy Holiday,

Steve Carell

Justice May Be Blind, But I Hope She Isn't A Comedian As Well

Cheeeeeeeeeers and a Happy D-Day to you all!!  What, you say?  What is this D-Day of which you speak? D-Day happened on June 6, 1944.

Yes, yes it did, the D-Day of the Normandy invasion anyway, but my friends…Today is another type of D-Day and one that is much more personal to me.

After nearly twenty-eight years of marriage including fourteen years of separation, yours truly goes to court today in order to finalize the legal dissolution of my marriage, and this guy is nervous.

People tell me, “Why be nervous? You’ll be in and out in 10-20 minutes.”  For most folks that would hold true, but people near and dear to me know that I have a dark cloud above my head that never fails to rain disruption and despair down upon my life.

So…even though the future ex-Mrs. Mahoney and I have signed the short, sweet, and concise agreement papers, here is a list of what could go wrong tomorrow and prevent me from becoming a free man.

The alarm clock here in the Bagwine digs is pretty old.  It may choose to fully unfunction and fail to wake me up in time for my court appearance.

Let’s say the alarm clock does do its job and I am well-prepared in plenty of time.  I go down to the car to drive to the courthouse, and…the battery is dead.  Can’t make it to court, and in this hearing, a no-show, is a no-go.

Let’s say we are all there in a timely manner and the judge having had a fallout with his wife earlier in the morning, is feeling melancholy and decides he cannot grant the dissolution because “you guys should attend counseling and give it one more chance.”

Dig this…Everything is going swimmingly and the judge asks me, “Mr. Mahoney, are you in agreement with the terms, and is this what you want?”  Being stricken with a sore throat from working in the elements at the Beer Mine, I at that point, lose my voice, and am unable to answer audibly.

I have mixed emotions about this next scenario…The judge denies the petition of dissolution because as he remarks, “I laugh my ass off every time Jay or Matt play Torn Between Two Lovers on the IWS Radio Show, and I don’t want to be known as the judge who put a stop to that.”

Lastly…My BFF/PSGF Schmoop is going with me, but will remain in the car during said proceeding, however…I can see her getting nervous, hop out of the car, and burst into the courtroom screaming, “Make them stay married.  If you don’t, Matt-Man will start asking me to marry him.”

Very Hurtful.

My friend, IWS Radio partner, and knower of the cloud above my head Jayman, has a bit of a different take on the outcome of today’s court proceedings.

He said to me, “Quit worrying. You’ll be in and out in fifteen minutes with no hassle…Of course Matt-Man…while walking across the street to get in your car to go home, you’ll be struck by a bus and die.”

That would be tragic.  That would be morbid.  That would be unfortunate, however…

That black cloud above my head would be gone forever because I would die knowing that for an instant, I died a happily unmarried man.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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Jay and Matt Killed It Yesterday

Oh sure, counting today Thanksgiving is still days away, but let me tell you…

Yesterday on IWS Radio?  Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio Players were cooking the turkey, praising the praises of others, and joyfully blessing everyone and everything that has made their lives better this year.

After friendly opening banter that included talk about NCAA basketball and football, Jay and Matt begged dared people to call-in and discuss how much they hated green bean casserole.  Nobody dared to challenge these two lovers of the aforementioned dish on this issue.

Sports Director Slyder Balzcock chimed in on how he was thankful for having Jayman as a friend and hoped that his thankfulness would turn into a free steak dinner.

Alarmist Weatherman was thankful for a few gadgets while Bobby Kraft listed a myriad of things for which he is grateful.  On the surface, many of these things seemed unseemly, but after further review, they were even more unseemly than originally thought.

The lovely Miss Jamie Mapleleaf provided tips to all Americans on how to better improve and Canadianize their Thanksgiving celebration.

Mr. Vague may or may have not explained all of the reasons as to why he is thankful, yet Beer Mine Beth definitely made her feelings known as we called her LIVE at the Beer Mine.

Schmoop was thankful for Matt, Jay and IWS Radio...we think.

Dusty, Joshua, KleeShay, Martin, The Rev, and Drew Peacock proclaimed Thanksgiving to be a holiday of peace…or something.

Guy Ahnyurdyck and Stubby Stonehenge looked at Thanksgiving as a time to get sloppy drunk as they discussed willy-willies.

All in all it was a good time as Jay and Matt celebrated their friends, family, and neighbors and took a multitude of congratulatory phone calls as they celebrated peace on earth and all that shit.

If you missed yesterday’s show LIVE, you can always catch it below in archives, so please do.  Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio team would be very thankful that you did…

Jay and Matt Brought the Bavarian Beer Garden Down

Let me tell you what…There are pod casts and then there are pod casts…yeah I know...everyone knows that by definition, but I was being dramatic and hyperbolic.

Anyhoo…

Yesterday, Jay, Matt and the IWS Radio players put on a show that will go down in German history as the greatest accomplishment since the push through the Netherlands and Belgium. (Which, since both were and are still Kingdoms, well…is not THAT great of an accomplishment, but whatever.)

After a week longeing for friendly banter, Jayman had plenty of joyful German music and linguistic lessons on tap.  Matt-Man even counted to twelve in German.  It’s true!!

The greatest German proverbialist ever was on hand as Pete Nietzsche talked sunrises, chickens, and well whatever.  He was awesome.

Bobby Kraft chimed in with a dramatic reading of Paul Simon’s 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover in honor of Matt-Man’s impending divorce.  The entire chat room immediately divorced their significant other.

The IWS law firm of Wie, Love, Kuntz showed their legal bad asses, and offered their help to anyone and everyone.

Rev. Moneymaker tried to make sense of Matt-Man’s ungodly and heretical divorce.  As always, he left us all with more questions than answers.

Schmoop had her say about Matt-Man getting divorced and it left us all with more tears than smiles.  Odd.

Jesse Ferg and a myriad of guests sexed up the chat room and Jesse is now in the custody of the Marion Police Department.

Lastly, in addition to wheat beer infused friendly Oktoberfest and divorce related chit chat between Jay and Matt, our fave Canadian Jamie Mapleleaf chimed in and we attempted to celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving with a Canadian turkey no less.

If that’s not enough to entice you to listen to the show…you’re dead inside.  And…well…even if you are, give it a listen and help out Jay and Matt who are still sort of alive inside.

They’ll feel better and you might just laugh.  Give IWS Radio a listen, and get outta here Mc Gooooooooo…

IWS Person of the Week...The Incredibly Odd IWS Radio Staff

IWS Radio has become one of the successful comedy shows in the history of  Blog Talk Radio, but your
IWS hosts Jay and Matt haven’t achieved that pinnacle of success without help.

No folks, while Jay and Matt may be behind the IWS Media empire, the various IWS correspondents who grace the airwaves of the internet are the soul and in fact the collective soul of the IWS Radio show, and…

They are the IWS Persons of the Week.

Our correspondents are like a herd of cats as they go off in all directions, but this odd conglomeration of media talent is tops in its field.

Foreign correspondent Guy Ahnyurdyck and his brash and unmarried ways are an abomination to the preachy and pious Rev. Moneymaker, however they both appreciate more than a few drinks from time to time.

Our homespun hero Bobby Kraft seems as mellow as a finely aged cheddar, but he lays it all out there, while our non-descript editorialist Mr. Vague seems to let the listener make up his or her mind as to what the hell he is talking about.

Our literary editor Paul Piatt is very particular about his words and tone, while KleeShay Johnson is more of a generalist, and yet…they both speak volumes 110% of the time.

Canadian Bureau Chief Jamie Mapleleaf always leaves the audience with a smile and maple syrupy feel, while Schmoop typically leaves the audience with a “whatever” and a belch.

While Sports Director Slyder Balzcock gets all excited about the adventure in life that is the world of sports, Alarmist Weatherman gets frenetic about the impending death that Mother Nature is certain to lay upon us all.

And of course…Local Redneckville reporter Dixie Ozark finds the entire staff other than her to be more than a bit odd.

Lastly…Jay and Matt may seem to be of same mind, same spirit, and one soul, but not so fast my friends…Jay and Matt are quite the odd couple, but in order to find out how…

You’ll have to tune in to IWS Radio LIVE TODAY from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio as IWS Radio presents, Comedy Makes Strange Odd Couples.

We’ll be talking historical duos, comedic duos, and of course, the differences between Jay and Matt that they overcome in order to form the formidable comedic duo they are.

So listen LIVE Today from Noon-2 PM ET and chime in as well with your phone calls at 661.244.9852.

To join the oddities of IWS Radio click HERE!!

Apologies Are Not a Sign of Weakness; They Are a Sign of Strength

Cheers Bitches and welcome to the no feel world of Tuesday. Matt-Man here with an important announcement that you will not hear very often, if ever again…

Yesterday was National Kiss and Make Up Day, and today is Repentance Day in Papua-New Guinea.

Although I’m a person who believes that to completely make up (with a woman that is) intercourse MUST be involved, and while I’m neither Papuan nor New Guinean, I thought I would honor the spirit of these two observances by apologizing to a few of the many folks that I may have offended over the years.

To Luigi Vizarri, who was developing a new housing edition to Bagwine in the late 70’s…I apologize for freaking you out when I along with a few friends, built a fake bomb and placed it on the doorstep of one of your un-finished homes.  It looked like a time bomb and was filled with peat moss, but seriously?

We didn't need to put the note inside of it that read, “Bang Wop, You’re Dead!!”  Totally uncalled for.

To the window salesman who some eight to ten years ago kept phone pestering me to let him give me an estimate on new windows.  I apologize for finally saying okay, and after you tried to find our house for over an hour, you were informed that we reside in an apartment building.  That is hours of your life you’ll never get back, and I apologize.

I want to hearken back to two weeks before my HS sophomore year when as the North High School Marching Band was practicing, I ran down a hill disguised in a face mask hat and hurled a goose egg at the marching band director, Michael Mattimore.

To you Mr. Mattimore, I apologize.  It was cruel and childish, however…I will never apologize for my aim. Most highly-paid NFL quarterbacks couldn't have made that throw on a full-out downhill run like I did.

Also related to this event, to our implanted and top secret videographer of the goose egg attack Rob Stevens who spilled the beans.  I apologize to you for not having beaten the shit out of you for turning me in.  I got suspended for two weeks you cackle box.

Lastly…I apologize to my best friend and soul mate Schmoop, because well she asked me to do so publicly and profoundly.  She claims that I use her as a mere piece of gratuitous flesh from time to time to promote IWS Radio without consideration of her feelings.

I don’t know what the hell the crazy chick is talking about, but okay.  I apologize to the Schmoopster.

One thing I do not apologize for nor will I ever, is listening to IWS Radio, and perhaps…

Those of you reading this could apologize to IWS Radio by listening to our Season Five opener on Blog Talk Radio.  If you’d like to listen and repent for your to until now failure to laugh out loud…

Click HERE…

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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IWS Person(s) of the Week...Big IWS Radio Fans Are Celebrating Birthdays This Weekend

It's a big day for IWS Radio today.  We are celebrating our fifth season on the air today, an entirely new chapter in the history of the show.

And in honor of IWS Radio beginning a new season on Blog Talk Radio, IWS would like to take the time to honor some celebrities who are beginning a new season in their personal lives.

Here are four hot and talented colleagues and fans of IWS Radio who who are celebrating their birthdays this weekend...

Dave Chappelle...The crazy man from Yellow Springs, Ohio is not only celebrating his 41st birthday today, he is planning his next trip to the moon...

Mike Huckabee...Jayman's less-than favorite Arkansan is celebrating his 59th birthday today with his lovely wife...without alcohol, or any hint of modest cuddle time or sexual activity of course...

Anne Archer...This Fatal Attraction beauty is celebrating her 67th birthday today, and as Matt-Man has always had a thing for her, there is no gratuitous caption involved...

Of course tomorrow, August 25th, the lovely and uber-talented Blake Lively will be entering season 27 of her young and oh so hot life.  We wish her the best, especially after she finds out that Ryan Reynolds is a tailor-made empty suit...

IWS Radio celebrates these four great Americans as our Persons of the Week as they, as does IWS Radio, begin a new season in their lives.  Keep On Truckin' ye great ones...Keep On Truckin'.

And ladies and gents...IWS Radio opens up Season Five today with a bang.  Bobby Kraft, Rev. Moneymaker, Guy Ahnyurdyck, Paul Piatt, Jamie Mapleleaf, and more will be on hand, as Jay and Matt open up Season Five of IWS Radio.

And big news kids...For the first time in a long time Schmoop will be in the hizzy LIVE!!

So join us LIVE TODAY from Noon-2 PM ET on Blogtalk Radio as IWS Radio kicks off Season Five.

To join the fun, CLICK HERE!!

Brotherly Love, Baby!!

Last night, I was feeling a bit uncomfortable…out of my realm…unsure…kinda like I was waiting for
something to happen.

Schmoop was at work; I had nothing meaningful to do, and well…the internet was void of anything exciting upon which to comment.

And then…

My brother Party Marty called (far right).

Marty didn’t have anything going on either…so we talked about crap we did when we were kids, and guess what?  We laughed, and laughed out loud.

And, we talked and laughed for about forty-five minutes.

Let me tell ya…

As far as people here in Bagwine, Ohio, there are but two people who I open up to and leave a conversation out of breath because I have been laughing too loud and for too long…and that is my BFF Schmoop, and my brother, Party Marty.

I am happy…er…happy to exponitiate (it’s a word now)…that I am grateful that I am blessed with at least two people in my hometown that I can not only talk to, but visit via e-mail, phone, or in person, and any time I want to, share a laugh…or a hundred.

Y’know…sometimes we’re not totally unhappy…sometimes we’re not altogether sad…but, when we need a pick-me up of sorts, because we’re bored…Ol’ Party Marty, lead singer of The Dreamboats and friend of the IWS Radio Show, is the man.

He is as hilariously crude in private, and yet, he is reputable and thoughtful in public.  I like that.

I’m not verbally cloistered like that by any means, but I enjoy a sense of  brotherly love and pre-emptive laughter when I hear Marty begin a comment with…

“Matt…Let me tell you what I said the other day…but don’t repeat it.”

Ha.  Schmoop is the same way.

I admit…I am out there on this website and our radio show, and want to make a name for myself and IWS Radio, but Marty and Schmoop?  They want to go through life calmly, nicely, yet anonymously.  (And in my brother’s case…successfully, that bastard)

But anyhoo…

I have to admit, that if I had neither Marty or Schmoop by my side, I would be selling used pencils and erasers at the Beer Mine…

Conveniently located at the corner of Elmore and Burnett Rd, but instead…

Even though they want to go through life anonymously, those two keep me laughin', keep me motivated, and keep me trying to make them laugh, and I know if I can make them laugh...I can make otherwise normal people laugh.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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Matt Be On Facebook And Shit

Every Change Has a Silver Lining

Cheeeeeeeers and a Happy Tuesday to all of you.  This is Tuesday, right?  I mean…

I am all confused of late as to what day it is because my routine has been altered, and I have yet to find my new day to day equilibrium.

Ya see?

After six months of being unemployed, a couple of weeks ago, my BFF/PSGF Schmoop returned to active duty in the world of jobdom, and I have yet to get used to it.

For nearly 180 days, Schmoop had been stationed within the Bagwine digs 24/7, and not only was I used to it, I liked it.  She would cook, clean, and more importantly, just always be there if something should arise.

And then she got a new job, which is wonderful both for her precarious mental health and our financial existence, but HOLY COW!!

I am not a rigid, train schedule, ABC, 123 kinda guy, but having somewhat of a routine is not a bad thing to have.

I was settled into a groove where Schmoop being off, she would make lunch before I went to the Beer Mine.  She would clean, grocery shop, or what have ya on certain days; she would help with the show every week whenever I needed her to, and well…she was always available to talk with.

And then?  BAM!!

This entire need for somewhat of a routine glaringly reared its ugly head yesterday as Jayman began our latest award winning IWS Radio Show, because...

In addition to the changes in my schedule precipitated by Schmoop going back to work, Jayman and I took a week or so off after our June 29th show.

With my mind already spinning and attempting to adapt to Schmoop not being around 24/7, and our hiatus from IWS Radio, I felt odd both prior to, during, and after yesterday’s show.

It’s funny…All day yesterday I felt like I was moving to a new section of town, entering a new grade in school, or getting a new job.  It just felt, for lack of a better word…weird.

I am not trying to be melodramatic, in fact, I find it funny that simple changes like Schmoop re-entering the workforce after a few months, which is a change for the better, can still upset the apple cart (or in this case, the potato salad cart) of one’s mindset.  Hell…Unlike Schmoop, I am not even the one experiencing the GREAT life altering change.

Oy.

I am in no way a guy who enjoys a gray and stolid continuum of life, but I do like to get into a solid and dependable groove, and when it’s working I work with it…and enjoy it.

I know I will soon get used to the changes and be able to function without my current discombobulating, but what I missed most yesterday during the show other than not being on my A-Game?

Every Sunday, Jay and I tout Schmoop as our LIVE studio audience, which she is.  However yesterday, she was just there, because she had to think about, and get ready to go to work.  I am going to miss her laughter in the background of our shows.

The greatest thing to come out of all of this, however? Sunday night when Schmoop got home, she said to me…

“I am off on Tuesday.  You get off at 4.  We can get Taco Bell, drink beer, and listen to Sunday’s show.  I miss you.”

Every change has a silver lining.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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I Don't Know You Well, But I'd Love To Slice your Meat

Salami Whore

When in the course of human events, some people get laid-off from their jobs.

Some people, in turn, take the unemployment time to reflect, better themselves, and find a job that fits them…until…the unemployment money runs out, and then, brutal reality sets in.

My BFF/PSGF Schmoop is one of them.

Here’s the thing about finding a job…

When push came to shove; when the monetary nose was to the grindstone; and when her sexy chips were down?

She, my friend Schmoop, found one.  Funny how that happens.

Seriously though?  She found work at a deli, and let me tell you, she will slice your meat, all the while with a smile upon her face, and food-safe gloves upon her hands.

When one such as Schmoop finds a deli job, one goes out of her way to maintain her pastrami cutting way of life.

However…

Let me caution you now…If you ask for three quarters of a pound of something, you may be rebuked by hearing my friend say…

“Could we make it a half-pound or a FULL pound, ya big pansy?  A three quarter pound thing is soooooo bisexual.”

She will take no prisoners and she will have none of your deli shenanigans when you say, “Could you put a quarter ounce of macaroni salad atop my pound of potato salad?”

The answer will always be…

“How about you take a number, and YOUR number is INFINITY!!”

Deli Queen

I am kidding of course, because…My friend Schmoop?

She loves people and I am excited that she is so damn happy to have a job.  I didn’t care if she ever worked again, because…

I would have left her for a woman who did.  I’m shallow like that, but anyhoo…

I am happy.  Schmoop is happy, and IWS Radio is very happy, because deli meat stories from Schmoop are gonna be comedy GOLD!!

And as Jay pointed out to me…

Just think of the buffet tray after the show…Unlimited olive loaf and macaroni salad; hell yeah...here I come!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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Best Friends

Cheeeeeeeeers all, and welcome to the week of Matt-Man being nothing but positive!!

I have recently had a run of days shrouded in grumpiness and negativity, but this week…I’m going to be all positive, all the time.. That’s Right!!

So I shall begin my week of writing on IWS with something positive, and let me tell you…It is sometimes hard for me to write positive stories, so I thought I’d begin with a topic that nearly almost usually makes me happy.

My best friend…my BFF…my PSG…The one and only, Schmoop!!

Schmoopalicious, as Jayman coined her years ago, is currently wading through murky pools of uncertainty and self-loathing because she was laid-off a few months back and has yet to secure a job.

She’s down on herself and feels she contributes nothing to society nor to the typically happy home in which we reside.  But you know what?  Schmoop contributes much more than she thinks she does.

For instance…When she got laid-off, I weighed around 185 pounds.  And now?  I am pushing 200 pounds because instead of me typically eating a can of soup for lunch before work, Schmoop makes a ginormous lunch for me. Oh yeah!!

Chicken nuggets, onion rings, burgers, omelets, grilled cheese (mmmmmmm grilled cheese)…I bet Schmoop has been sending me off to work everyday for the past 26 weeks with 800 calories in my stomach.

The chick makes a great lunch, and she is always happy to do it, because…well…we are best friends.

She also does my laundry, because…well…we are best friends.

And dig it folks, yesterday morning, we both woke up around the same time.  I was late getting to my computer stuff that I do every morning as far as posting the IWS website post to Facebook, checking our numbers, my email, and whatever, because for the first sixty minutes of Monday morning?

We just hung out and made fun of FOX News and MSNBC, harangued about how many commercials air, and listened to some of Sunday’s IWS Radio audio files.  We unknowingly spent an hour cutting up and sarcastically yet lovingly, making fun of our cat Corky.

It…was…nice, because...It demonstrated our Best Friend....Ness.

In the moment as it is, Schmoop has some self-doubt, but she should never doubt herself about this…

I do have one regret about Schmoop, and no it’s not her lack of a job, her hatred of Tammy Tibbles, or even her inability to not worry over silly shit.

My only regret involving Schmoop is that I didn't meet her 20 years earlier.

Schmoop?  Even in your current “transitional” condition, you contribute something to society everyday.  You make me smile.  There is a cat who adores you, and in spite of your failed attempts to show no emotion, you make the world a better place.

Good luck on your job interview today, but if you don’t get it, and your unemployment benefits are extended…from now on when you make my lunch, could you work some salads into my menu?

Love You Schmoop!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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Matt Said...Jay Said...(202) 333-7121

Matt waxes poetically…Jay wanes introspectively…You, gather neither rhyme nor reason.

Matt:  Hello?
Jay:  Whadda ya know?
Matt:  A little more than I did yesterday.
Jay:  That’s damn good to hear; I must say.

Matt:  Schmoop isn’t enjoying my Thursdays off.
Jay:  Perhaps you could leave on Thursdays and go play golf.
Matt:  That sounds good, but kind of expensive.
Jay:  Dude, you gotta keep her happy; don’t be so pensive.

Matt:  Our show this week falls on Palm Sunday.
Jay:  When Jesus on a donkey, made it a Funday.
Matt:  Christ is King.  Ha…Christ is funny.
Jay:  And by his blood on the cross, people love to make money.

Matt:  We could talk about that.
Jay:  We could and we should.
Matt:  We could talk about Favstar, and how most users are morons.
Jay:  We could deride their un-funniness, and then let bygones be bygones.

Matt:  Perhaps, as you know, it’s National Poetry Month…
Jay:  And we could base our show ‘round, poetry, prose, and such?
Matt:  That would be awesome!!
Jay:  That would be great!!
Matt:  You know who would like it, that’d be Paul Piatt.
Jay:  I'd like it too; c’mon, let’s try it!!

Matt:  Paul Piatt will be there, Slyder, and Schmoop as well.
Jay:  Bobby Kraft will chime in, and Drew Peacock will rhyme like a bell.
Matt:  And many others will poetize.
Jay:  For they have a lot to prose-itize.

Matt:  So this Sunday from Noon-2 PM, Eee Tee
Jay:  We will be bringing the funny poetry.
Matt:  And perhaps, we will may make people laugh.
Jay:  But only if we do a reading, by the late Sylvia Plath.

Matt:  I think we’re ready.
Jay:  Ready as Freddy.
Matt:  Let’s Do Iiiiiiiiiiit!
Jay:  Aight.
Matt:  That didn’t rhyme.
Jay:  I was juxtaposing.
Matt:  That’s HOT!!

To catch IWS Radio LIVE this Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET during their Poetry, Prose, and Poseurs episode, you can click right, HERE!!  

Apologies Are Being Ordered

Cheeeeeers and a Happy Hump Day to you all.

Yesterday on the IWS Radio website, Jayman, while a celebrated and internationally renown media personality, shed his stardom and called upon the strength of his own innate humility and apologized to a few folks.

His post titled, Apologies Are in Order,  inspires me today to post something similar.

As far as I am concerned, apologies are in order in my life as well, and let me tell ya, I have a list of a few people who need to be apologizing to ME!!

Time Warner Cable…The little bit of TV that I do watch happens to take place during the morning cable news shows, and for the past two weeks, you have paid to run your stupid, insidious, and unfunny, something old, something new wedding day hi-speed internet ad featuring Bill Cowher.

It runs at every God Damn break!!  Stop It!!  Just. Stop. It, and…apologize to me this second.

The Weather Channel…You already pissed me off by hiring yet another non-meteorologist in Sam Champion, but do you have to piss me off further by running an ad for his new show while I am waiting for My Local on the 8’s?

Why the hell are you running ads for his show during his show!!?  So the people watching his show won’t forget?  That’s fucking stupid, and you need to apologize to me…Now.

Beer Mine Beth…Yep.  Our new hire at the Beer Mine owes me an apology.  A huge one.  She went on vacation during Spring Break of Bagwine City Schools.  Yesterday, I saw more former Ohio Dept. of Rehab and Corrections inmates (i.e. parents) driving through with future Ohio Dept. of Rehab and Corrections inmates (i.e. their children) than I ever have in one day.

Nothing like spending a day waiting on a carload of kids who were gestated on a diet of amniotic fluid, cheap vodka, and meth trying to decide as to which kind of potato chips they would like!!

Jesus!! Take Me Now!!

Bill Pence…Mr. Pence is the owner of the soon to be defunct Corporate Imagemakers/PenceOhio Corporation and he laid-off Schmoop back in December.  Couldn't he have kept her on, and found something for her to do from like 8 A.M-11 A.M., five days a week?

Don’t get me wrong…I love the Schmoopster with all my heart, but I really miss that quiet morning time.  No talking.  No noise.  Simply me and my thoughts saying to one and other…“Ahhhhhhhhhhh.”  Yeah that dickhead needs to tell me that he is sorry for his actions.

The Two People on Facebook Who Recently Unfriended Me…I would like an apology post haste from you two ass clowns.  You know why?  I have no idea who unfriended me nor what I did.  I would much prefer that if a person unfriends me, that they would let me know it was he or she and why they did it.

In fact…That gives me a great idea.

Facebook should set it up that when a person unfriends another, it shows up on the unfriended person’s Facebook page, with the exact cause of the unfriending for all the world to see.

Ha.  That would be awesome!!

I am going to pass my idea along to Mark Zuckerberg and see if he runs with it.  If he doesn't?

That short-sighted billionaire will owe me an apology as well, because my idea is fucking brilliant!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page (and if you go there, let me know why you are unfriending me)

Matt Said, Jay Said (937) 323-1779

Matt gives…Jay sacrifices…You, take.

Matt:  How the hell are ya?
Jay:  Just freakin’ fantastic, and you?
Matt:  Swell.  Did the Jaymom have a good birthday?

Jay:  Oh yeah.  I set up a dinner at Colton’s and got her a birthday cake.
Matt:  You are a thoughtful man.
Jay:  I’m a giver Matt-Man…a giver.
Matt:  That you are.

Jay:  Any big plans for Schmoop’s birthday?
Matt:  I am getting her flowers and I want to get her Taco Bell for dinner, but…

Jay:  But wha---Oh you can’t have any because of your breadless Lent.
Matt:  Exactly.  Do you think a one day dispensation on the bread thing is in order?

Jay:  Let me pose that question to a higher power.
Matt:  Who?  God?
Jay:  Noooooooooo, higher than that, Reverend Moneymaker.  I’ll call him real quick.  Hold on.
Matt:  Oh okay.

Jay:  Good News!!  He said that since you are doing it to please someone else, you may scarf down some tacos.
Matt:  Hot Damn!!
Jay:  Hey now…I don’t think he’d appreciate that language.
Matt:  Oops, forgive me.

Jay:  That is nice of you to break your Lenten sacrifice one day for Schmoop.
Matt:  I’m a giver Jayman, a giver.
Jay:  That you are.

Matt:  So this week, it is confirmed…It has to be an 8 P.M. show since the new help is on vacation.
Jay:  Unbelievable. Three weeks on the job and taking time off.
Matt:  IKR?  Leaves me without a day off until April 6th.
Jay:  We have to change our show time.
Matt:  Schmoop will be sad not to have me home all day Sunday.
Jay and Matt:   Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Jay:  Man, I tell ya.  We give a lot to the folks, and what do we get in return?
Matt:  Heartache.
Jay:  Yep, but…
Matt:  The show must go on.
Jay:  Even though we have to change our busy schedules in order to entertain the masses.
Matt:  The things we do for people.

Jay:  Oh well…I’m sure that Bobby Kraft and Joshua will help us out.
Matt:  Paul Piatt, Slyder Balzcock, and Tammy Tibbles can pitch in as well.
Jay:  We can talk Ukraine and March Madness.

Matt:  We can talk British Daylight Saving Time and Iowa GOP U.S. Senate candidate Joni Ernst.

Jay:  I hear she grew up castrating hogs.
Matt:  That’s what all of the boys down at the Soda Shop say.

Jay:  That’s HOT.

Matt:  Hey, I have a question…Back in the day when you worked at the pizza joint, did it irritate you to get calls asking what specials you had?

Jay:  Oh hell yes…You’re busy and wasting time on the phone.
Matt:  We could call local pizza joints and do just that.
Jay:  Ha. Brilliant, and…We could call not so local pizza joints!!

Matt:  Ha!!  Brilliant!!

Jay:  And maybe, just maybe…Folks could give back a little love to us, and call in.
Matt:  It’s the least they could do for two givers such as us.
Jay:  Damn Right!!

Matt:  I guess we’re set.
Jay:  Yep.  This Sunday from 8-10 P.M. ET on IWS Radio.
Matt:  We are gonna give some more yet again.  Talk to you then Jayman.
Jay:  Word.  Byeeeeeeeeeeee.

To catch the All Give and No Take episode of IWS Radio LIVE this Sunday from 8-10 PM ET, click right HERE!!    

Happy Birthday To Schmoop !!

“A friend is one before whom I may think aloud.”
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Cheeeeeeeeers and a Happy Thursday to you all.

Today is a special day and should truly be a National Holiday.  Forty-Eight years ago today, unto the world, my best friend whom I would not meet until thirty-four years later, was born.

I shit…you…not.  She came into this world lacking the charm, sense of humor, and good nature of the Pillsbury Doughboy, and yet…looked quite similar to him in her early years…

I am talking of course, about my best friend, and IWS Radio’s very own bit player…Schmoop!!

That’s right folks.  Schmoop is celebrating her 48th Birthday today, and even though she is 48, she still knows how to handle a man’s tube like she did some thirty years ago or so…

Schmoop has helped IWS Radio with her sexy voice by being everyone from herself, to Paula Deen, to Kim Fragile, and the AMAZING Tammy Tibbles.  And we appreciate that, and even more so?

We really appreciate her letting us use her ass in pictures…

Schmoop took me in nearly fourteen years ago when I was in a bad way and needed a place to stay. Much to her chagrin, we had a few beers while commiserating about lives turned ugly, she fed me, and then?

Nearly fourteen years later, I am still here.  I’m pretty sure she’s happy about that…probably sure…somewhat.  well?  Her picture says it all...

Anyhoo…

As far as her and I living together?

Schmoop is a trouper, or in her case, a Schmooper who ignores all of my faults when not actively pointing them out in a hurtful, yet sarcastically funny way…and as far as the show goes?

While she would rather be buried six feet under the cold ground than record something, Schmoop hits her mark and helps us out whenever called upon.

I love my Schmoop and I would go as far to call her my soul mate, unfortunately, she doesn’t have one.

However my friends, our love and mutual respect can be illustrated by a conversation that we recently had…

Me:  Oh sweet!!  Steak Fries with my burgers.
Schmoop:  You’re welcome.
Me:  Honey?  You complete me.
Schmoop:  Yeah, whatever….You want ketchup on those?

In all seriousness, Schmoop IS my best friend ever, and without her I have no clue as to where I would be today, but I’m pretty sure it wouldn't be a good place.  But instead?

I am in a place that while not extravagant, not overflowing with wealth, and not a vacation destination for the rich, I am with my best friend Schmoop.  And as far as I am concerned?

That is an extravagant, wealthy, and awesome destination to be.

I love you Schmoop, and Happy Birthday!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Stream of Haikuciousness...When Matt-Man Develops His Spontaneous Asian Side

Yesterday on the IWS website, Jayman posted an exquisitely done stream of consciousness post.  I mean…

It was so damn well done, that while the tears of James Joyce were falling from Heaven, Jayman was receiving a call from the Ted Cruz organization begging Jayman to be their filibuster writer from here on out.

So?  I thought I’d do a little stream of consciousness writing myself, however…

Just to mix it up a little, I thought I’d stream my consciousness in the form of haikus.

So here ya go, Matt-Man’s Stream of Haikusciousness…

This winter drags on
Will it end anytime soon?
I seriously doubt it.

This Steel Reserve
Is quite tasty and so warm,
Fuck Mother Nature.

I’m off this Sunday
Facebook friends better beware,
Ima gonna drink.

Sausage, toast, and eggs
That sounds incredibly good.
So much effort though.

I just lit a smoke
I take a deep drag, and smile
Newport Reds taste swell.

Lent is almost here
I need to give up something
Bread and pasta…Gone!!

My zipper is down
I find that extremely odd
Hands were typing keys.

I bet Kate Upton
Is really awful in bed
Not allowed to bite and mar her picture perfect tits.

My last Kate haiku
Did not follow haiku rules
Oh well…suck it, Kate.

Chicken nuggets, not eggs

eggs?

Nuggets are much less trouble.
Eggs may have to sit.

I just touched my dick.
No, I didn’t have an itch
I just wanted to.

Why do people judge?
Schmoop is sound asleep in bed
And I am horny.

Thank you, and have a great Thursday…I shall spend mine saying “5-7-5” to myself.

Today’s drawer at the Beer Mine is gonna be so fucked up.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

This Winter Is Messin' With My Mind!!

Cheeeeeeers Chuckleheads, and a Happy Hump Day to you all.

Y’know?  This winter is messing with my mind, my innate good-nature, and my body.  This winter is a wicked pissah!!

The previous two winters, at least here in Bagwine, Ohio, have been very above average…not so cold, not a lot of snow, but this winter?

The winter of 2013-14 has brought the “average” Ohio winter back to its average by being really nasty and really hurtful.

We have suffered through wind chill driven temps to 40 below.  It’s snows nearly every day.  It’s gray, gloomy, and menacing 85% of each and every week.

Listen to me, I am a guy who enjoys a bit of snow, a bit of booger-freezing temps, and some chaotic slip-sliding away traffic highlights on the news, but damn…

This winter, in a word…Sucks.

I hate this winter, mainly because, while I enjoy being a realist and having some self-control, and a “whatever will be, will be” attitude about all things uncontrollable…

I wish I could control Mother Nature enough that I could stick an ice pick crafted by Mother Nature’s very own uncaring hand, and ram it through her cold, callous, and unforgiving frozen heart…several times over.

Ma Nature, needs to die.  And even if I have to have a sex-change operation to make it realistic, I have no qualms about being the axe-wielding Lizzie Borden who strikes her down.

Hell…Even the days run together.  I never know what day it is, and neither does my boss.  When I get to work he will ask me…“What the hell day is it?”

I nearly always reply with the correct answer, but for winter-driven self-assurance, I add a question mark to my reply…

“Wednesday?”

Oh dear GAWD…this winter cannot end soon enough.  As I type this, we are getting hammered yet again by the dastardly douche bag that is Mother Nature, and the snow is falling like the anti-manna from the sky.

Am I bitter?

You’re Goddamn right I am.

The last two months have yielded nothing other than a ghastly, ice cold furnace that blows out nothing more than frozen confetti from the sky, and sub-zero heartache upon my soul…and more importantly, upon my nether regions.

And you know what?

I want my nether regions to be able to cooperate with my libido for at least a couple of more years.  I’m not asking for much.

I just want an average winter, which complies with the length of my manhood and with my average libido.

See?

During the winter season, I always tell Schmoop, that for every inch of snow we get, you will get an inch of Matt-Man

Well folks, we've had like 36 inches of snow this winter, which means one thing...

Yours truly has had to have sex with Schmoop 10 12 18 times the past two months!!

Thanks a lot Mother Nature; your demands are set way too high...and I hate you!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Super Bowl XLVIII...The Home Team Wins!!

We are but a mere five days away from Super Bowl XLVIII, so I thought that maybe, as I did last year, solicit unsolicited invites to the Super Bowl parties of others who would have never invited me in the first place…solicited, unsolicited, or otherwise.

See?  Last year when I pleaded for invitations to Super Bowl parties, I actually received a handful of invites, accepted one, and actually showed up to said event.

Sure, it was somewhat surreal and odd at the party when I showed up, but I had a good time, because I got to hang out with a friend whom I had
n’t seen in years.

I thought I would do the same thing this Super Bowl season, and maybe have two fun, spontaneous Super Bowls in a row…so, I posted this last night upon my Facebook Page…

Guess what?  Not a single invite, well…not a serious one.  Oh sure…

My friend, the wonderfully sarcastic and avid IWS Radio listener Tiffany, told me to come on down for her Super Bowl party, but of course, she only did that because she lives in Florida, and knew that she was safe from me actually showing up.

And then my nearly life-long buddy and IWS’ own Nurse Sherri, suggested that I party with our mutual Japanese friend, Saynora Tokahama or whatever.  The dude is pretty cool, but he lives in Japan.

Even if I could party and watch the game with him, as he does live in Japan, I’d be watching the Super Bowl on a Monday, and something about that just doesn’t sit well with me, and feels, well…downright un-American.

Well anyway, the bottom lie is, thus far I have not been on the receiving end of any party invites, so I guess I’ll have to watch the game here at home with Schmoop.  And, hey…don’t get me wrong!!

I love hanging with Schmoop Super Bowl night or any time of year, but getting an acceptance of my unsolicited invite to a Super Bowl would make me happy…would make me chuckle, and most importantly, would provide me with awesome blog fodder.

However, Schmoop and I will have a wonderful time this Super Bowl Sunday.

If we have the funds, we’ll order a pizza.  If not, we’ll make one ourselves.  We can make dried beef cream cheese roll-ups, and have pickles, cheese and crackers, olives annnnnnnnnnd, baked pepperoni.  Mangia!

And the best thing about staying home and watching the Super Bowl with Schmoop?

Probably as early as the end of the first quarter, we will turn off the game, crank up some tunes, drink beer, eat snacks, and goof on people and each other.

And really?  For most Americans, that is what Super Bowl Sunday is all about, having parties which surround a person with laughter and good friends.  The Super Bowl has become much more than a mere NFL Championship football game.

The Super Bowl has become the winter thaw.  A day when for a few hours, the soul-sucking, drab, monochromatic winter becomes a festival of watercolors in the shades of flashy uniforms, delicious junk food, funny commercials, too much beer, and the warmth of close friends.

And since Schmoop is my best friend, I guess watching the big game at home is where I should be, and who knows?

If I don’t have too much to drink, perhaps Schmoop will put on a halftime show for me that will rock my world.

Oh yeahhhhhhhh…

If I play my cards right this Super Bowl Sunday, Matt-Man is going to end up going to “Disneyworld!!”

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Valentine's Day 2014, Best and Worst Gift Ideas

Cheeeeeeeers Bitches and a Happy Tuesday to you all.

Not only is today Tuesday, it is January 14th which means not only is it, Dress Up Your Pet Day for those of you who are so inclined to embarrass your pet by dressing him or her up, but…

January 14th is also, One Month Before the Day You Either Get Hot Sex or Smacked in the Face by Your Wife/Girlfriend/Mistress on Valentine’s Day Day.

That’s right guys, you have thirty days to prepare for the onslaught of sneers, jeers, or cheers that you receive from the woman in your life and her femme friends. So, I am here to make certain that you will hear nothing but cheers.

Oh, and you ladies who have been directed to this blog entry?  Disregard it, because well, as well all know, you do nothing on Valentine’s Day other than bitch about what you didn’t get from that special man in your life, so…

To wit and heretofore, are my best and worst gift ideas for the guys to buy for Valentine’s Day 2014...

Yesterday, I mentioned flowers in a Facebook comment of mine, women seem to dig flowers.  Terrible idea.

Flowers are temporary, die quickly, and with their death, so does your relationship.  If you want to give a woman something that temporarily fills them up, yet leaves them satisfied, send them a grilled ham ‘n’ cheese sandwich and some fries.  And?

Knowing my buddy Jayman as I do, he would say…

“And don’t go on the cheap, send them a fresh, crisp pickle spear along with it!!”

Some guys are goaded feel like because they are pussy whipped they have to want to go big time into buying overpriced jewelry for Valentine’s Day…Don’t…Do…It!! Bad gift idea.

When a guy buys his honey fancy jewelry, she will at first go nutsy Fagan all over it, but then she will pause, and think…

“That lying bastard must be cheating on me in order to buy me something this fancy.”

If you do want to buy your lady something shiny to wear, buy her a pair of steely, sparkling handcuffs.

Along with the cuffs, you could give her a sweet card that reads…

“You have made my heart your prisoner, and now, will you please be mine?”  See?  That’s HOT!!

And if she doesn’t like them, you can always give them to your mistress, which was your final intention and hope anyway.

Speaking of mistresses…If you have a wife and a mistress, be a good guy and gift give equally.  You don’t want to hurt the feelings of either of them, so…

Give them the same gift.

Buy each of them a ticket for a seven day Caribbean cruise so while both are asea, you can pick up a new girlfriend in addition to your mistress and wife, thereby completing the hat trick, Holy Trinity, and batting for the cycle of lewd behavior.

Just make sure the tickets for the wife and mistress are for different cruises. You wouldn't want your wife and mistress to spontaneously meet, talk nonchalantly, and during their friendly discourse, discover that you were the one who bought both tickets.

And?  If all of this advice is too much to digest and seems too complicated for you guys out there, do what my BFF Schmoop and I do on Valentine’s Day.

Order a pizza, drink some beer, peruse Facebook, and laugh at all of the posts reflecting the joy and sadness of which ladies got the bonanza, and which ladies got the heartache.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page