Headlines, Get Your Headlines Here!!

Every time I have trouble of thinking of a topic on which to write, I always think of how Jayman writes funny headlines once in awhile.  I have threatened to do so myself in the past, and today as I had no grist in my mill last night, I offer these headlines that I would like to see…

Local Man in Ebola Video Goes Viral

Lee Majors To Reprise Role in New Warner Bros. Pic, The 1.6 Billion Dollar Man: Adjusted For Inflation

Merger Between Cialis and Viagra Produces World’s First Eight Hour Erection

Brussel Sprouts Enjoyed By Local First Grader

Liquor Store Owner Shoots Wild Turkey

The Words Virgin Mary Spontaneously Appear in Bowl of Alphabet Soup

MSNBC’s Ronan Farrow Daily Finally Garners First Viewer

ISIS Informant Reportedly Totally Hacked Off

A Clean And Sober Rob Ford To Run For Mayor of Gary, Indiana

Sierra Leone Renames Capital City To Stenchville

Dick Morris Predicts That The Next Pope Will Be a Presbyterian

Political Pundit Dick Morris Gunned Down By Drunken Catholic League President Bill Donohue

By Unanimous Vote, The U.S. House and Senate Agree To Outsource Their Legislative Duties

And lastly…

Trick-or-Treat Cancelled Due To Christmas Preparations

There ya have it…All the news that fits.  Enjoy your Tuesday and hey…let’s be careful out there, lest we become a headline ourselves.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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Best Friends

Cheeeeeeeeers all, and welcome to the week of Matt-Man being nothing but positive!!

I have recently had a run of days shrouded in grumpiness and negativity, but this week…I’m going to be all positive, all the time.. That’s Right!!

So I shall begin my week of writing on IWS with something positive, and let me tell you…It is sometimes hard for me to write positive stories, so I thought I’d begin with a topic that nearly almost usually makes me happy.

My best friend…my BFF…my PSG…The one and only, Schmoop!!

Schmoopalicious, as Jayman coined her years ago, is currently wading through murky pools of uncertainty and self-loathing because she was laid-off a few months back and has yet to secure a job.

She’s down on herself and feels she contributes nothing to society nor to the typically happy home in which we reside.  But you know what?  Schmoop contributes much more than she thinks she does.

For instance…When she got laid-off, I weighed around 185 pounds.  And now?  I am pushing 200 pounds because instead of me typically eating a can of soup for lunch before work, Schmoop makes a ginormous lunch for me. Oh yeah!!

Chicken nuggets, onion rings, burgers, omelets, grilled cheese (mmmmmmm grilled cheese)…I bet Schmoop has been sending me off to work everyday for the past 26 weeks with 800 calories in my stomach.

The chick makes a great lunch, and she is always happy to do it, because…well…we are best friends.

She also does my laundry, because…well…we are best friends.

And dig it folks, yesterday morning, we both woke up around the same time.  I was late getting to my computer stuff that I do every morning as far as posting the IWS website post to Facebook, checking our numbers, my email, and whatever, because for the first sixty minutes of Monday morning?

We just hung out and made fun of FOX News and MSNBC, harangued about how many commercials air, and listened to some of Sunday’s IWS Radio audio files.  We unknowingly spent an hour cutting up and sarcastically yet lovingly, making fun of our cat Corky.

It…was…nice, because...It demonstrated our Best Friend....Ness.

In the moment as it is, Schmoop has some self-doubt, but she should never doubt herself about this…

I do have one regret about Schmoop, and no it’s not her lack of a job, her hatred of Tammy Tibbles, or even her inability to not worry over silly shit.

My only regret involving Schmoop is that I didn't meet her 20 years earlier.

Schmoop?  Even in your current “transitional” condition, you contribute something to society everyday.  You make me smile.  There is a cat who adores you, and in spite of your failed attempts to show no emotion, you make the world a better place.

Good luck on your job interview today, but if you don’t get it, and your unemployment benefits are extended…from now on when you make my lunch, could you work some salads into my menu?

Love You Schmoop!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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I Need Answers!!

Cheeeeeeeeers and a tremendously happy Thursday to you all!!

I am, as the hipsters would have said some thirty years ago, “stoked.”

Why is that you ask?  Well, let me tell ya.

For the first time in a lonnnnnnng time, I have the entire day of Thursday off…on a regular basis no less.  It’s true!!

I am going to be productive, relax some as well, tip a few, and enjoy with gusto, my new found time away from the Beer Mine.  However…

Before I can truly enjoy the day, I need your help.  I need some questions answered so I can quit thinking about them, and get to the important business of relaxing and focusing on Sunday’s IWS Radio Show.

First of all.  Jayman and I briefly touched upon this a month or so ago on the radio show.  How is it that Jesus’ birthday is celebrated on the same day every year, but his death and resurrection is on a different day every year?  Something about that just doesn’t sound kosher, and I’d like to know the reasoning behind it.

Why does Ed Schultz have a show on MSNBC and a syndicated radio show?  The guy is a freak show. Don’t get me wrong; he’s great to make fun of, but he’s a train wreck.  Also riddle me this?  Sean Hannity and I actually agree on this summation of Eddie; which of us comes off looking worse for agreeing with the other?

Set me straight people…Rep. Vance McAllister (R-Cocktown) was caught on video making out with his staffer Melissa Peacock (R-Slutsville), both of whom are married…She resigns, and he remains a Congressman and a, “champion of traditional family values.”  Could somebody…anybody…please explain the logic and justice in the results of this affair?

If you are a regular reader of this blog you know that we have been celebrating National Poetry Month, which begs a serious question.  If a poem is written in the forest and there is no one around to read it, does it rhyme? I need to know!!

I am still seeing hash tags on Twitter in reference to #CancelColbert.  Really? People are still trying to cancel the Colbert Report because of the Ching Chong Ding Dong thing?

I read an article on Salon.com which interviewed Suey Park who basically started this thing, and she said “whiteness is the enemy” of Asian-Americans.

That seems pwetty wacist to me but hu am I to judge?  But, rell…maybe Suey Park needs to show a rittle wespectful sirence on dis one.  Am I wight?

Let’s say, hypothetically of course, that I have a hot friend who got divorced just days ago…

Is there a waiting period before I hit on her, and/or make lewd sexual comments toward her? I’d like to hit upon, and/or talk dirty to her, but only in the most appropriate, and socially acceptable manner.  I’m a gentleman in that regard.

Lastly…

When Jay and I do our show prep call today, should I wear shorts and a T-Shirt, or merely obscure my nakedness ‘neath the comfort of a silk robe?

I need your help and insight folks; my happiness, and the lives of millions of Americans are depending on you.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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The Weather Channel: Sam Champion Is A White Al Roker

Imagine this…

It’s 3 A.M, and the head of the overnight Weather Channel crew calls its morning, drive-time headliner and?

The morning, drive-time headliner is not a meteorologist.

The Weather Channel has done it before, and they are doing it again.

They are hiring yet another non-meteorologist to host the morning Weather Channel program, and once again diluting the hard hitting analysis of barometric pressures and jet streams, into nothing more than a morning show about..

“Hey…longtime viewer, Grandma Juanita Jones is 98 today; which is coincidental, because that is what the high temp in Miami will be today.”

I was livid back in aught nine when The Weather Channel hired the hideous, non-meteorological, can’t lose weight on my own without a medical procedure, go on Imus to promote my book, and then hate him for dissin’ nappy-haired college basketball players even though I had been on his show for years, Al Roker.

When NBC bought out The Weather Channel and installed the non-meteorologist, weight-loss cheater, Al Roker into its sunny, wake-up spot,  I said to myself…

“The Weather Channel’s integrity has fallen faster and lower than the barometric pressure recorded when Hurricane Camille passed over Pass Christian, Mississippi back in ‘69.”

Not that the aforementioned fake weathermen would know what the hell I was talking about.

I remember the days back when The Weather Channel started, and Jim Cantore and Mark Mancuso were cutting up and giving the weather…It was awesome, but…noooooooooo.

Only doing weather wasn't good enough for either The Weather Channel nor NBC, so…when NBC bought them out, they had to add weather “reality” shows and fake weathermen.

And that is when the “for the life of me, I have no clue how this happened” famous and well-paid, Al Roker stepped in.

I loathe Al Roker because he is a phony.  He is a phony because he chose to have a medical procedure to lose weight, and more importantly, he is not a meteorologist.

And now?

Who is going to be hosting The Weather Channel’s new morning show, AMHQ?

Sam Champion. Really?

I am about to be subjected to the exponentially white, uber-creepy looking, non-meteorologist Sam Champion, who is the gay, yet fit, but no less disturbing, and much more caucasian, Al Roker.

See?

Meteorology is, among other things, color blind.  I just want a God Damn weather forecast thoughtfully and accurately reported to me by a black guy, a white guy, a hot chick…a Swedish Nazi who had a sex change…

I don’t care who the hell gives me a weather forecast, I just want to know that I am getting a quasi-accurate forecast.

And I want it from a meteorologist. Not some corporate media carnival barker who was hired to generate advertising revenue.

If it storms?

I want to know it was because there was a dry line, behind of a cold front, ahead of a warm front, and not because the, Sam Champion TorCon Rating Brought to You by Coca-Cola, is rating it an eight.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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Hit Me With Your Best Shot

Last night was yet another EPIC episode of IWS Radio. Matt and Jay are normally not all that confrontational and they HATE to criticize, but sometimes it’s necessary to call some people out. That’s exactly what your heroes at IWS did.

Matt and Jay took down just about everyone at MSNBC and only really had one conflict. Matt is a fan of cute little Ethra Klein while Jay doesn’t find him all that appealing. Matt also heaped praise on Morning Joe which Jay has no opinion on because the show is over before he gets out of bed each morning.

Some other people that were roasted (kinda) include Tina Fey, Chuck Todd, Bill Simmons, Jalen Rose, Doug Collins, Harold Ford Jr, and of course, Chris Christie. In fact, we had exclusive audio from Chris Christie doing karaoke this weekend at a dive bar in Jersey City.

In addition to that excitement, Dixie Ozark had an exclusive interview with Chris Christie “associate” Jimmy “Three Fingers” Tortelli which was eye-opening and a little scary. Kirk Douglas chimed in with the weather and (s)he talked about some of the strange changes (s)he has undergone since being sick. Al Sharpton sat in for Paul Piatt, Slyder Ballzcock celebrated the Russian ladies curling team and then took a run at Bob Costas. Bobby Kraft went in on President Obama, Tom Cotton and Congressman Cotton’s prissy, finger-wagging mother. Aaaaaaaaaand Rachel Maddow contributed in a big way to the show.

Then we took a call from JesseFerg and um, “celebrated” another one of the great shows on the BlogTalkRadio Network.

All in all, a great show! Definitely check it out!

Popular Comedy Internet Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

Yeah, I know I've been a little critical of her in the past (and maybe last night) but doesn't Tina Fey look terrific? And JesseFerg insists that she hasn't had any work done. He knows these things.

I AM Miley Cyrus!!

Cheeeeeeers Chuckleheads!!

Well, unless you live under a rock, or are a person of Amish persuasion who is without a radio, television, or internet access, you know that the American media, parental groups, and holier-than-thou types are in full-throttle and five-speed overdrive, OUTRAGE mode.

It seems that the once winsome Disney studio star of Hannah Montana, twenty year old Miley Cyrus, twerked and worked her wares upon a growing pain inside the pants of thirty-six year old Robin Thicke during a live performance, on this past Sunday’s VMA awards show on MTV.

Monday morning as I watched the early morning talk shows, my hangover was cursed by the sound of Morning Joe’s Mika Brzezinski, who upon seeing the video, said things like…

"She is a mess. Someone needs to take care of her."  Annnnnd….

"That was disgusting and embarrassing."  Annnnnd of course this…

"That young lady, who is 20, is obviously deeply troubled, deeply disturbed...probably has an eating disorder."

I felt helpless as I lay there listening to that nattering nabob of Williams College educated, sexist, social piety, Ms. Mika “Pass Me the Vodka and Another Ambien” Brzezinski point out what she feels to be flaws in Miley’s character, and weaknesses in her emotional, physical, and psychological make-up.

Others in the media piled on poor Miley, and on Tuesday, Mika, Joe Scarborough, and the Parents Television Council said that advertisers must forgo MTV and person or persons at the network, should be fired.

Oh…My God…Such outrage over a little song and dance.  I haven’t seen this much outrage since millions of American children were victimized by Janet Jackson’s booby popping out during the Super Bowl a few years ago.

Here’s the thing…I know Miley Cyrus, because I AM Miley Cyrus.

I could have been Miley a few years back when I began my first blog.  If I had a daughter?  She would have looked like Miley Cyrus.

Seven years ago, I started my first blog.  At first, it was like working for Disney.  I was sweet, cute, affable, and many folks called me Matty.

And then…a couple of years into it, I knew it was time to fly.  Time to grow my wings, and become a seasoned and grown-up version of my blogging self.  So…

I began posting pictures likes this…

And this…

And in keeping with animal twerking like Miley’s Teddy Bear sexcapade, pictures like this…

Much like the burgeoning and longing for adult type performing for which Miley has yearned, I too felt the need to grow and become more adult and cutting edge in my blogging.  It’s a natural progression.  Oh sure, she did so at the age of 20, and I at the age of 43 or 44, but still…you get my point.

Mika Brzezinski claims that Miley Cyrus is disturbed, a mess, and probably suffers from an eating disorder because Mika’s emotional displacement tells her to say that.

Me?

I just say that Miley Cyrus and I are kindred spirits wanting to grow as people.

In fact, I say unto you now…

While early in my blogging career I could have been referred to as Hannah Mattana, I AM Miley Cyrus now, and perhaps in a small way, each and everyone of us are...ALL Miley Cyrus.

Stand firmly behind sweet Miley Cyrus, and don’t allow the OUTRAGE Police to throw her in jail!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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