Wrapping Presents Is Like Having Sex

In keeping with the spirit of Christmas, I have altered the meaning of sex as applied to the holiday of the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

I offer you an insight into my life with following definition alterations. From now on, and throughout the remainder of the Christmas season, these are the rules of the lexicon of sex…

Have Sex = Wrap presents
Having Sex = Wrapping presents
Had Sex = Wrapped presents

To wit, and heretofore is the following…

Back when I was a teen one Christmas Eve, my girlfriend Sherri and I were having sex in my bedroom when my brother Party Marty walked in. He burst out laughing because Sherri and I were so sloppy and bad at having sex.

Unfortunately, when the bastard walked in on us, he not only got a good laugh, he also got a full frontal peak at what she was giving him for Christmas. He left. We finished having sex, and I put a big bow on her box.

During the holiday season, I enjoy going to department stores and watching the young women behind the counter have sex. I don’t know how they do it.

They stand there 8-10 hours a day having sex in front complete strangers. It’s adorable watching the young boys and girls watch the chicks have sex with Daddy’s package.

I guess it is not really a bad gig. I mean having sex for 10 hours and getting paid for it, I may look into that.

When I was a wee lad, I remember one Christmas morn in particular. It was about 4 A.M., and I awoke with a thirst.

I straggled out to the fridge for a drink, and lo and behold, there were my mom and dad furiously having sex on the kitchen floor. Ribbon was flying everywhere, and without stopping, Dad told me to go back to bed.

One thing that always happens to me when having sex is that I run out of tape. It sucks because I can’t get the job done and nothing stays where it should while having sex. It’s really quite frustrating.

I remember another source of frustration as well. Back when I was a very young, left handed child, having sex was awkward and difficult for me.

Fortunately I had a number of older brothers and sisters who were always eager to lend me a hand. It was so nice of them to help me have sex.

Our family had a great time in those days. Our tightly knit clan would gather together to eat sausage balls, drink eggnog, and have sex as we listened to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing the Hallelujah Chorus over and over. Good times, good times.

Having sex can be one of the most joyous experiences of the holiday season.

And by the way, friends...

We still have a couple of days until Christmas. If you’re in the neighborhood, stop by, because I have gotten pretty good at having sex over the years…so if you need help having sex as I once did, I would love to help you have sex too.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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Jay and Matt Are Talking Turkey and Shoving the Stuffing

It’s almost Thanksgiving and what better way to prepare for our nation’s feast than to talk turkey and gobble up some laughs with Jay and Matt on the IWS Radio Show?

Tomorrow LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET, Jay and Matt will discuss Thanksgiving memories, pumpkin flavor overkill, and most importantly how to deal with drunk and/or judgmental family members who enjoy bringing others to tears during the holiday gatherings.

Jay and Matt will have the great debate…Green Bean Casserole, disgusting trash or delectable treasure?

All hands will be on deck as Bobby Kraft, Guy Ahnyurdyck, Drew Peacock, Rev. Moneymaker, Slyder Balzcock and the rest of IWS team talk about what they are thankful for while Joey Goodbar and Buddy Acapella sing the sounds of Thanksgiving.

All of that plus YOUR phone calls as IWS Radio kicks off the holiday season by plucking the birds, shoving the stuffing, and serving up the laughs as America celebrates Thanksgiving 2014.

Join us LIVE TOMORROW from Noon-2 PM ET as IWS Radio celebrates Thanksgiving with our Thanksgiving 2014: A Cornucopia of Comedy edition.

To listen LIVE (or later in archives) click HERE!! 

Wild Irish Rose and NFL Football...Score!!

Tonight is the kickoff to the 2014 NFL season, and I’ll be watching the titanic struggle between the Green Bay Packers and the Seattle Seahawks along with millions of other Americans, however…

Unlike most other Americans, I’ll be watching the game with my best friend, Wild Irish Rose.  Those who know me, know that I love my Rose, but most do not know of the other talents that Wild Irish Rose brings to the table in addition to being a top quality wine.

You see…

Not only does this elixir provide the palate with a tsunami of enjoyment during a football game, it has a myriad of uses around the house, and for your everyday life as well.  Allow to ‘splain…

Has Grandma’s good silverware, much like Grandma herself, grown dull and dirty from one too many Thanksgiving dinners? No problem, simply fill a bowl with Rose and start utensil dippin’. In just seconds the Rose turns the grime to shine. If you have enough WIR and a bathtub, you could even give Grandma a good Rose dippin’!!  She'll look and feel ten years younger in no time.

Painful itching and burning? Soak a wad of toilet paper with Rose and secure the mass inside of that private place and voila, Preparation R. The pain is gone and you don’t have to worry about the pimple faced kid at the check-out counter asking for a price check on hemorrhoid cream over the Walgreen’s intercom.

Are you strapped for cash and your credit card debt has become unmanageable? A big insurance claim can put you back on the road to financial freedom. Nothing says “payday” like your house going up in flames. Wild Irish Rose makes a great fire accelerant. Best of all, it evaporates without a trace.

You are getting older and are becoming self-conscious of unsightly liver spots. Have no fear. Apply Rose topically to the affected areas and within seconds the festering patches are gone. WIR also works well as a facial dermabrasion.

Warning: Unless you want your cheekbones to pop through the skin, do not leave on for more than four minutes.

Hey guys, is your partner whining about how “quick” you are in bed, and calling you names like “Premature Jack”?

A few glasses of Rose will numb your rascal lickity-split, allowing you to work it all night. And don’t worry about an accidental fertilization because although your boys may want to go for a swim, the Rose is cleaning the pool.

Lastly, a little something for the ladies. Gals are you longing for that all-day fresh feeling? A splash or two of Rose on the sweet spot will make you feel like you’re dancing in the Alps.

You will feel, smell, and yes, even taste great, long into the night.

So folks, there you have it…a few tips from the Matt-Man. As you can see, just like the Matt-Man, Rose is multi-faceted.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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(Ed. Note:  Please be advised that the Matt-Man is NOT a medical doctor, a chemist, or an arsonist; he does, however, suffer from painful hemorrhoidal itch. None of his claims have been reviewed nor approved by the FDA, the FTC, or the Department of Homeland Security.)

Jayman's Favorite Sex Euphemisms

Holaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! As you know by now we did a Smut Showon IWS Radio last Sunday. You MIGHT have also noticed that we’re going to the other extreme this coming Sunday with a Good Wholesome Fun Show. Before things get too wholesome around here, I have something I need to do. I made a long list of my favorite sex euphemisms for the show last week just in case we needed filler. We had so much audience participation that we didn’t need any filler at all which is awesome! It would be silly to just let all those euphemisms go to waste though. Don’t you think? I agree, so here we go ….

Dipping the corn dog in the batter.

Putting the sour cream on the taco.

Riding the skin bus to tuna town.

Parking the beef bus in the tuna garage

Glazing the muffin.

Take the old one eye to the optometrist.

Vulcanize the whoopee stick.

Burping the worm into the mole hole

Formatting the hard drive

Yodeling in the canyon of love.

Gland to gland combat.

Dinner beneath the bridge. (69ing)

Get into a bit of a jam.

Have some bananas and cream.

Slytherin her hufflepuff (for you Harry Potter fans)

Visiting her downtown dining and entertaining district

The no pants dance

Spelunking in the slime cave.

The four legged frolic

Get the old pole waxed

Parking your yacht in hair harbor

Making feet for baby shoes

Stretch the leather

Beef curtain immersion

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand …. Drive the fuck truck to cunt canyon.

Thank you for letting me get that out of my system. I feel much better now.

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Getting Down 'n Dirty on IWS

IWS got down and dirty this week! In response to BTR sudden lack of rules against dirty shows, Matt-Man and Jayman decided if you can’t beat them, join them. Well, for one week anyway. To keep pace with the new influx of smutty shows we got smutty too! REALLY smutty! There were discussions about all kinds of fun stuff …

Beer mine stories.

Difficulties of having sex with a hot Jewish girl.

Some sex advice from Sue Johanson for women who have boyfriends with HUGE penises.

How uncomfortable this subject matter is for Matt-Man and Jayman.

Erotic Reading by SkyDad!

Sexy food.

Erotic Poetry from Jaxxx and Paul Piatt.

Erotic Reading by GlassHalfFullGal.

Wet Dreams and Nocturnal Emissions.

Sex Ed in school vs cable TV access.

Jaxxx called in and got a little freaky with us talking about fetishes and the weirder side of sex.

How sex scenes in movies and on TV are so stupidly unrealistic

Guy Ahnurdyck is in a bit of trouble.

Bobby Kraft read “Fifty Shades of Jay”

And all kinds of other deeply disturbing and pretty damn hilarious stuff! Listen and then take a long hot shower!

                               

                                    New Comedy Podcasts with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

IWS Person of the Week...Legendary Lady Killers

Today on the IWS Radio Show which airs LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio, Jay and Matt and a cast of dozens will be discussing sex and what a man needs in order to satisfy the sexual needs of his lady. So...

So it seems more than appropriate, to today honor some guys who have pleased more than their share of the ladies over the years...Here are today's, IWS Persons of the Week...

Warren Beatty...Warren spent the majority of his life searching for the perfect woman to co-star with him in real life life as his wife...A few thousand casting calls later, he settled on banging Annette Bening for the remainder of his life story.

Wilt Chamberlain...No one took it harder to the hole than Wilt the Stilt, and his 31,419 points per game during his NBA career is surpassed only by the number of women he personally fouled over his lifetime.

Guy Ahnyurdyck...That's right!!  IWS Radio's very own international correspondent Guy Ahnyurdyck has had sex with women in all 24 time zones and 195 of the world's 196 nations.  He plans a fall vacation to South Sudan in order to nail down number 196.

Gene Simmons...The Tongue that Roars and front man for KISS is still alive and slamming women harder than his bass strings.  Any man who can bang that many chicks while wearing more make-up than the chicks he is banging is a badass.

Fidel Castro...We shit you not...By many biographical reports and research, as many as 30,000 lovely Latinas have at one time other, been sent to the Fidel Castro Re-Erection Camp.  Known for his staying power as a despot, this hombre has staying power in the bedroom as well. 

  

So hats off and pants off to these prolific purveyors of pleasure and our IWS Persons of the Week...long may their freak flags wave.

As for the aforementioned IWS Radio Show that is to take place LIVE TODAY from Noon-2 PM ET, Jay, Matt, the IWS Radio Players, and an outside team of never before heard pro-crass-inators will be chiming in with their thoughts about sexual pleasure, shoveling out the advice, as we take your calls at 661.244.9852.

So listen live and join the fun today from Noon-2 PM ET as IWS Radio presents The Gentlemen's Guide to Sucking and Fucking a Lady on Blog Talk Radio.

To catch all of the IWS sexual hilarity, click right HERE.

I Need Answers!!

Cheeeeeeeeers and a tremendously happy Thursday to you all!!

I am, as the hipsters would have said some thirty years ago, “stoked.”

Why is that you ask?  Well, let me tell ya.

For the first time in a lonnnnnnng time, I have the entire day of Thursday off…on a regular basis no less.  It’s true!!

I am going to be productive, relax some as well, tip a few, and enjoy with gusto, my new found time away from the Beer Mine.  However…

Before I can truly enjoy the day, I need your help.  I need some questions answered so I can quit thinking about them, and get to the important business of relaxing and focusing on Sunday’s IWS Radio Show.

First of all.  Jayman and I briefly touched upon this a month or so ago on the radio show.  How is it that Jesus’ birthday is celebrated on the same day every year, but his death and resurrection is on a different day every year?  Something about that just doesn’t sound kosher, and I’d like to know the reasoning behind it.

Why does Ed Schultz have a show on MSNBC and a syndicated radio show?  The guy is a freak show. Don’t get me wrong; he’s great to make fun of, but he’s a train wreck.  Also riddle me this?  Sean Hannity and I actually agree on this summation of Eddie; which of us comes off looking worse for agreeing with the other?

Set me straight people…Rep. Vance McAllister (R-Cocktown) was caught on video making out with his staffer Melissa Peacock (R-Slutsville), both of whom are married…She resigns, and he remains a Congressman and a, “champion of traditional family values.”  Could somebody…anybody…please explain the logic and justice in the results of this affair?

If you are a regular reader of this blog you know that we have been celebrating National Poetry Month, which begs a serious question.  If a poem is written in the forest and there is no one around to read it, does it rhyme? I need to know!!

I am still seeing hash tags on Twitter in reference to #CancelColbert.  Really? People are still trying to cancel the Colbert Report because of the Ching Chong Ding Dong thing?

I read an article on Salon.com which interviewed Suey Park who basically started this thing, and she said “whiteness is the enemy” of Asian-Americans.

That seems pwetty wacist to me but hu am I to judge?  But, rell…maybe Suey Park needs to show a rittle wespectful sirence on dis one.  Am I wight?

Let’s say, hypothetically of course, that I have a hot friend who got divorced just days ago…

Is there a waiting period before I hit on her, and/or make lewd sexual comments toward her? I’d like to hit upon, and/or talk dirty to her, but only in the most appropriate, and socially acceptable manner.  I’m a gentleman in that regard.

Lastly…

When Jay and I do our show prep call today, should I wear shorts and a T-Shirt, or merely obscure my nakedness ‘neath the comfort of a silk robe?

I need your help and insight folks; my happiness, and the lives of millions of Americans are depending on you.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
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Rejection, Heartache, Hot Sisters and the Final Four

Holaaaaaaaaaaaa! Yet another EPIC episode of IWS Radio this week y’all! We totally brought the funny for the whole 2 hours. Well, most of it anyway.  We…

Had a great Final Four discussion with both Slyder Balzcock and then from Dusty Sandman and Charles Barkley in IWS Air Action One HIGHHHHHH above North Texas

Nipsey Russell has some thoughts on the Championship Game …

The NCAA’s have been so exciting this year
All I can do is sit and cheer
Kentucky seems to have finally clicked
And UConn is gonna get their ass kicked 

Enjoyed some words of inspiration from Ma Tibbles

Relaxed to the soothing dulcet tones of Paula Piatt in the Poetry Corner

Told stories of rejection and heartache that will live in the deepest, darkest parts of our broken souls forever.

Had a great discussion about who’s the hotter sister. It started with Hallie vs Hillary Duff which we disagree on, but do agree that once they had spelled Haylie’s name with the “ie” that they should have spelled Hillary’s name with the “ie” also for consistency sake. Anyway, we then discussed the relative hotness of Brittney vs Jamie Lynn Spears, Paris vs Nicky Hilton and Ashlee vs Jessica Simpson as well as other hot sister duos.

Heard from the loveable and adorable Schmoop and the sad news she received this week.

Got brought back to our happy place as Bobby Kraft regaled us with some of the most popular and hilarious tweets on Favstar.

Got even happier when Phil Diller took the stage in Aberdeen and brought the funny.

And OH SO MUCH MORE!!!! Totally check that show out!

                               

Check Out Comedy Podcasts at Blog Talk Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

Matt Said, Jay Said...Genevieve Morton Said

Matt sacrifices for Lent…Jay opts not to…You weep for The Lord.

Matt:  Howdy Mr. Man.
Jay:  How you’se?
Matt:  Just dandy, in spite of the weather still being a cold, steamy pile of shit.
Jay:  Can a cold pile of shit actually steam?
Matt: Well…I guess I mixed a metaphor…or an idiom…or…something.
Jay:  That’s okay.  This winter has been brutal for all of us, and has lead to atrophy of our brains.
Matt:  Yep…What?

Jay:  Anyhoo…With Lent beginning this Wednesday, we could talk about all things Lent-related.
Matt:  That’s a brilliant idea.  There has evidently been no apostrophe of your brain.
Jay:  It’s called atroph---never mind, and thank you.
Matt:  You’re welcome.

Jay:  We could talk about what we may or may not give up for Lent.
Matt:  We could talk about famous people we would like to give up for Lent.
Jay:  And/or sacrifice.
Matt:  Even Better!!

Jay:  Some people give up certain foods, like sweets, meat, bread.  We could…
Matt:  We could provide alternative menus for those who do!!
Jay:  Exactly!!  Perhaps your brain is becoming less apostrpopheed.
Matt:  What?
Jay:  What?

Matt:  We could talk about faith or lack thereof.
Jay:  We could talk about what some of the more famous people might want to give up for The Lord.
Matt:  Excellent.
Jay:  I know, right?

Matt:  Paul Piatt, Tammy Tibbles, Slyder Balzcock among others could chime in.
Jay:  Perhaps Rev. Moneymaker, and one pissed off Kirk Douglas will be there with the weather.
Matt:  Also we’ll have some Lenten style, Lord lovin’ music.
Jay:  And we could also ha…

STOP RIGHT THERE MY TWO SMOKIN’ HOT GENTLEMEN!!

Hi folks super sexy, ultra-hot Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Genevieve Morton here for IWS Radio with a HUGE announcement.

Me, myself, and my most amazing set of tits, are here to announce that Jay, Matt, and IWS Radio are back on at Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio.

I told the sexy, dynamic duo, that I didn't like them being on from 8-10 PM on Sundays, because I missed listening to them LIVE while lying naked and writhing about in my bed during Sunday brunch, so…

These two giants of international internet radio, capitulated to me and my amazing rack, and responded…

“So let it be requested; so let it be done.”  And then of course…they giggled like twelve year old boys.

Anyway…Yes, Jay and Matt will be talking Lent.  Yes it will be funny as hell, and yes…They will be on LIVE tomorrow from NOON-2 PM ET on the BTR Network.

Make sure you make a note of the time change, listen LIVE, and call-in at 661.244.9852, because…

The more people I see in that chat room, and the more people I hear calling in, the more I will touch myself while spilling a mimosa and scrambled eggs all over my writhing brunch-time body.

To listen LIVE and imagine me writhing from Noon-2 PM ET tomorrow, click right HERE.

Love…
Genny

Matt Said, Jay Said...9373277200

Matt farts, Jay belches, you admire their manliness…

Matt:  Hello?  Hello?  Lady of the house speaking.
Jay:  Lady of the house?  Dude you need to man up.
Matt:  Dude, I was being funny.
Jay:  Well there’s funny, and then there is effeminate-ancy.
Matt:  Is that a word?
Jay:  Well, it is now, because it’s on the internet.
Matt:  Good point.

Jay:  How was your New Year’s Eve?
Matt:  Uneventful but pleasant.  Schmoop wore tight fittin’ booty shorts.
Jay:  That’s HOT.  How come?
Matt:  I asked her to.
Jay:  Oh wow.  That’s skill right there.
Matt:  Word…How was yours?
Jay:  Just dandy.  Making the New Year cheese ball for today as we welcome in 2014.
Matt:  Making a cheese ball?  And you call me effeminate?
Jay:  Listen…I am a man who can make cheese balls AND cook.  Chicks dig that.
Matt:  By God they do…y’know…you and I have developed are manly skills to the nth degree.

Jay:  Oh I know.  We are witty and sensitive.
Matt:  We can cook and are runway fashion plates.
Jay:  We are handy around the house and know how to feminize the ladies.
Matt:  We offer to get our napkins after they forget to bring one when they bring us our sandwich.
Jay:  Damn dude…When I think about it?  We have a lot of knowledge to offer to men everywhere.
Matt:  And it would be rude of us to keep it to ourselves.
Jay:  It would be.

Matt:  Alright then…Sunday we should do a Man’s Survival Guide type show on IWS Radio.
Jay:  Hell yeah.  If we don’t impart our tips on how to become a valued and lusted after man, we are sinning.
Matt:  I don’t want to sin.
Jay:  Me neither.  Sinning is…well, a sin.
Matt:  Well said.
Jay:  Thank You.

Matt:  So?  This Sunday from 8-10 PM ET on the IWS Radio Show we will help every guy in the universe.
Jay:  Damn straight.  Teach guys how to cook, dress, build a career.
Matt:  Find that special lady and leave her wanting more every time.
Jay:  I bet Rev. Moneymaker and Stubby Stonehenge could help with some insightful words.
Matt:  As could Bobby Kraft and Barry Resnick.

Jay:  This is going to be huge, because men everywhere will call-in for our advice.
Matt:  If they don’t, they aren’t real men.
Jay:  Damn straight.  That would make them pussies and won’t be getting any of what they are.
Matt:  You speak the truth.  Off to make a baloney sandwich and look at Scar-Jo pics Jayman.
Jay:  Okay.  Ima gonna finish the cheese ball and see if Alyssa Milano will retweet me again.
Matt and Jay:  See ya Sunday on the Radio!!

To listen LIVE to IWS Radio’s, The Man’s Survival Guide to 2014 Sunday from 8-10 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio click HERE!!
.  

Drugs, Sex, Masturbation and Meditation

Hola y’all! Oh look! It’s my turn to post again. That’s great. That’s just fucking great! I’m so excited. Can’t you tell? Is anyone out there? Helloooooooooooooo? Give me a sign if you are. Tell me how much you love me. Or tell me I suck. I don’t give a shit. Okay, that’s not completely true. Well it depends on who says it. Most people could say that and I wouldn’t care. Some of you would hurt my widdle fee-fees. Not that I don’t want people to be honest with me. I totally do. I just have to warn them that their constructive criticism might not make any real difference. I mean, just like the late, great Don Williams* once sang “We’re all gonna be what we’re gonna be … So what do you do with good ol’ boys like me?” Dude was a freaking genius!

Holy shit I’m like a quarter of the way through this blog post already. I don’t know why I complain about it so much. Shit is easy! Oh sure, I spend all day trying to think of something good to write about and then when I’m about out of time I just open up MS Word and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH all over the page. Maybe someday I’ll actually come up with something interesting to write about. We’ll see. I’m a busy man though, so don’t get your hopes up.

I’ve got all kinds of crazy ideas going right now. This little infection thing, even though it’s not really that big of a deal, has got me thinking about being more healthy and shit. I told you guys recently that I was down to just one Pepsi a day, right? Well, now I’m done to ZERO Pepsi’s a day. How ‘bout that shit? I might still have one on Sunday afternoons while I’m sitting around not doing a damn thing though. Sunday is kind of a free day. Anyway, no more Pepsi and now I’m instituting a NO MEAT night once a week for dinner! On top of that, I’m gonna start meditation. Martin from Martin’s Muffler and Meditation Emporium has done inspired me…

That’s pretty damn HAWT right there! You know, I really should vlog more. I think I’ve said I was going to a few times and I just haven’t. What else is new? But, that takes time and effort and I’m a busy man. And now if I’m gonna be mediating and exercising and maybe even taking up yoga and shit, I’ll have even less time. Not to mention the lack of energy from not eating meat one night a week. That could be a killer! We’ll see. I haven’t done any driving around videos in a long time; maybe I should do some more of those. Hell, I don’t know. I’ll think about it.

You know, I might need a whole new online persona. I don’t know what that would be. It’s all just so complicated. I mean, just being myself would be the easiest, right? Wrong! There’s nothing easy about that at all. Everything is just so complicated. Why is that? It’s totally not fair. Of course, now that I think about it, I pretty have just been myself online. Maybe that’s the problem? Maybe I have multiple personalities and don’t realize it? People on TV who have multiple personalities don’t usually know it. Of course, one of their personalities always ends up killing someone who I hope that isn’t the case.

Well, Monday Night Football is about to start so I’ll worry about all this shit another time. I don’t like to be distracted when I’m watching football. I need to be able to focus on all the stupid things that Jon Gruden says while also being annoyed that he doesn’t have an “h” in his name. That shit just pisses me off. By the way, this is why I opposed President Obama’s nomination of Jeh Johnson as the new Secretary of Homeland Security. He spells his name “Jeh” but pronounces it “Jay?” I don’t think so Scooter. They should do away with the Department of Homeland Security anyway. But, that’s a discussion for another time.

*Update: My apologies to Don Williams who apparently is still alive. My bad dude, I'm a huge fan.

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