MSJS: Wholesome Is The New Smut

Matt confesses.  Jay repents.  You…are skeptical of their new found wholesomeness.

Matt:  Hola.
Matt:  Hola?
Jay:  Helloooooooo?  Anyone there?
Matt:  What up dawg?

Jay:  M’eh nothing much and you?
Matt:  Let me tell you…I have already done the dishes, shit, showered, and dressed for the day!!

Jay:  I’ll alert the media.
Matt:  Thank you.

Jay:  Last Sunday’s fucking, sucking, and ass ramming smut show was kind of uncomfortable.
Matt:  I know.  I still feel dirty about it.
Jay:  We need to cleanse our minds, bodies, and souls this week.

Matt:  You mean do some type of confession and repentance show?
Jay:  Well sorta…We should do a good, wholesome, family fun type of show.
Matt:  I’m always up for some wholesome family fun especially if a hot sister is involved.
Jay:  No…No…We have to move past that smut and talk about good things…pure things.
Matt:  Alright.

Jay:  We could do a few mea culpas for being sinners at times.  Kinda like going to confession.
Matt:  As you know, I was raised Catholic, so confession brings back some fond memories.
Jay:  Fond memories, or memories of being fondled?
Matt:  See?  See?  We can’t go there this week.
Jay:  Damn.  You’re right.  My bad.
Matt:  We could talk about religion and how it helps us out and/or makes us laugh.

Jay:  Hell…We could rank religions by their wholesomeness.
Matt:  Brilliant!!

Jay:  We could read some of the wholesome goings on in our town from our local newspapers.
Matt:  That’s always a good, Andy, Barney, Mayberry kind of wholesome time right there.
Jay:  IKR?  Maybe Schmoop could show up with some fried chicken from the deli.

Matt:  I dunno, but she did have a couple of incidences where IWS Radio took over her life.
Jay:  Oh my…I hope she is alright.
Matt:  She survived, and we’ll discuss.

Jay:  I think perhaps Rev. Moneymaker should add his liturgical voice to this show.
Matt:  By all means, as will Slyder Balzcock.  That man is the epitome of wholesome.

Jay:  He is, and I’ll get Drew Peacock to show his wholesome side this week also.
Matt:  Drew Peacock?  Does he have a wholesome side?
Jay:  I guess we’ll find out Sunday.

Matt:  Wow this is turning into quite the wholesome extravaganza!!
Jay:  And dig it…Triple Jaxxx will have a song for us yet again.
Matt:  Be still my heart…When I think of Jaxxx, I think wholesomeness.

Jay:  I think we’re ready…This going to be a kick ass…er, loving pat on the butt wholesome show.
Matt:  I am with ya my wholesome friend.
Jay:  Let’s do iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

To join Jay, Matt, and the hilarity with the rest of the IWS Radio Team as they broadcast their, Good Wholesome Decent Family Fun Show episode LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET tomorrow on Blog Talk Radio…click HERE!!

Sunshine Pumping on IWS

Sometimes all the negativity and anger and hating gets to be too much even for Matt and Jay. So, this week on IWS Radio we set all that aside and went strictly positive. That’s right, no cheap shots. No mocking of famous people. No ranting. Just love and support for everyone.

- Jay talked about his new Crock Pot and how awesome it is.

- Matt introduced our newest correspondent Lance Cranston.

- Ma Tibble inspired us.

- Tammy Tibbles inspired us even more!

- Martin led us through a great meditation

- Paul Piatt recited a poem full of great advice on happiness

- Rev Moneymaker reminded us that faith in the Almighty leads to happiness

- Jamie Canada called in and hung out with us

- Matt talked about what makes him happy

- Jay talked about what makes him happy

- Joshua reviewed one of the happiest movies ever: The Princess Bride

- Matt and Jay were devastated to find that a certain someone doesn’t like The Princess Bride

- Lots and lots of witty banter about being positive and overcoming negative people in life

- Matt and Jay apologies to some of the people they have been negative towards in the past

- And sooooooooo much more! Definitely check this one out! 

                 
                                 

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Mr. Sandman Is A Spiteful Agent Provacateur

Cheers and a Happy one full week of Lent has passed us by already, to ya.

For those who follow the IWS Radio website and radio show, you are aware that for Lent this year, I have given up the eating of bread and pasta.

44 Days…No bread…No pasta.

Yesterday marked the end of week one of doing such.  The first couple of days were easy. I was excited to be exerting some rarely used self-discipline, and it was a fresh change in my eating habits.

During the days, I have up to this point, been in full control of my willpower with little discomfort, however…

The last couple of nights have seen my slumbers come alive with things over which my willpower has no control…

Bread-Related Dreams, and let me tell you; they’re neither helpful nor pretty.

For instance…

I had a dream that I am walking down a dirty, urban alley in God knows what city, and I am approached by a nefarious looking man wearing a trench coat, and he says to me…

“Hey…My name is Reuben, and I having something you want, something you need.”  To which I respond…

“Really?  What is that?”  And then…

He flashes open his trench coat, and on one side dangle slices of corned beef, Swiss cheese, and dressing, and on the other side, sauerkraut, corned beef and dark rye bread.  Bastard.

And then another dream follows.  I am sitting in a nightclub by myself and to the mic walks IWS Radio’s very own up and coming comic, Phil Diller.  The spotlight hits him; he goes into his routine and the following transpires…

Phil:  Knock Knock
Me:  Who’s there?
Phil:  Mac
Me:  Mac who?
Phil:  Mac Aroni.  Ha.  Hi Muh Lime Uh!!

Phil:  Hey Matt-Man?  What do you get when you put a likeable apparition into a toaster?
Me:  I have no idea.
Phil:  Casper the Friendly Toast!!  Ha.  Hi Muh Lime Uh!!

Oh…Dear…God…

Oh the dreams don’t die there folks…There’s more.

I was stripped naked and tied to a hemlock tree by Sarah Palin while her daughter threw Cheddar Bay Biscuits at me.  I kid you not!!

I dreamed I was riding through way ancient downtown Rome in a foot powered Paleolithic car driven by a caveman named Frederico Flinstonia, and all four tires were made of pizza.  It’s true!!

But?

I think the most disturbing bread-related dream I have had, occurred early Wednesday morning as I was beginning to awake.

I was on Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. There was no mechanical failure. There was no hijacking.  There was no terrorism.  We made it to our destination safely and without incident.

As we exited the plane, all but I, were thrilled to disembark and enjoy the stay on the vacation spot that all but me had had longed to visit. That destination, of which I speak?

The Sandwich Islands.

Mr. Sandman is indeed a cruel and unrelenting bastard, because even if I am in paradise...even Hawaii, but without bread?  Hawaii can suck it.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattmaniws
My Facebook Page 

IWS Radio IS Ready for Primetime!!

Happy Friday, Second Day of Kwanzaa, and National Fruitcake Day to one and all, and I hope that
everyone reading this, had a wonderful time celebrating the birth of the Holy Baby Jeebus this week.

I know I did.  I spent Christmas Eve at my brother Marty’s house and my son was actually there, and he had a present for ME.  It’s true!!

It was a Christmas miracle, and really?

The entire evening there was quite fun, because unlike many families, me and my brothers and sisters, get along pretty well.  But you know what I told my son Ryno Christmas Eve because I found it to be somewhat disturbing?

When I am with my brothers, even at six feet tall, I am the shortest Mahoney man in the room.  Hey, I know I was the baby of the family, but Mom and Dad, could you have spared an inch or two for me?

Wait…That didn't sound right, did it? Oh well, and anyhoo…

I, and certainly Jayman as well, hope that all of you gorgeous miscreants had a delightful Christmas.

Religious affiliation (or not) and/or whatever type of observances that you may or may not have had aside, Christmas is a great touchstone and catalyst for having fun with friends, family, and the ones whom you love.

Unless of course you send a very dear friend a picture of hot dog to their Facebook page as a token of Christmas joy and they end up deleting your wiener.  That right there is just plain, hurtful bullshit, but I digress, but I may discuss this issue further this Sunday on the IWS Radio Show, which by the way…

Is going PRIMETIME!!

Dat’s right Bitches!!  IWS Radio is going to be airing LIVE THIS SUNDAY from 8-10 PM ET, and probably will have that same time slot for at least 10-12 weeks.

Y’see?  The President and CEO of Blog Talk Radio Alan Levy approached Jay and I about going to a primetime slot because in his words…

“Primetime in the winter on BTR really slows down.  It has no pizzazz.  We need you guys….We need the IWS Radio team…We need you guys to be the straw that stirs the BTR primetime drink.”

So…I begged Drive-By Mikey to allow me to work the Beer Mine seven days a week, so that I would be sober at 8 PM ET on Sundays in order to do the show and help Alan Levy out.

Mikey put up a struggle, but he acquiesced and said to me…

“As much as I enjoy working Sundays, if you do an 8 PM show on a day that you are off, you won’t be able to dial in to the switchboard let alone talk coherently on the air.  Don’t get all gushy and thank me, but Sundays are all yours from now on Matt-Man.”

And there you have it.

So…Join us LIVE this Sunday from 8-10 PM ET as we go primetime and look back on 2013 and look ahead to 2014 during the IWS Radio 2014: Bigger and Stoopider show.

Me, Jay, Guy Ahnyurdyck, Rev. Moneymaker, Drew Peacock, Dana, Malcolm Eckstein, and a host of others will be on hand to celebrate the New Year and Kwanzaa!!

To join us LIVE this Sunday, you can click HERE.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

An it Harm None, Do as Ye Will

Hola all you heathens! Woo-Boy! Let me tell ya, we had a EPIC show yesterday on IWS Radio! We had Rev James Smith PhD High Priest and founder of the Celtic Wicca Coven on and he rocked the house. He told us all about Wicca and Druidism and shot down a whole lot of the myths about both.

I’ll be honest with you guys, when I threw the idea out there to Matt-Man last Sunday that we find someone involved with Wicca for our Halloween Show, I was really thinking about someone similar to Michelle Pfeiffer from “Witches of Eastwick.” I really didn’t think we could find an actual Wicca High Priest who would be so personable and knowledgeable.

We tried to trip Dr. Smith up. We threw all the big myths about Wicca at him. You know, witchcraft, sorcery, devil worshiping, dark arts and the idea that Wiccans (and Druids) are just a bunch of dope smoking hippies getting jiggy with it out there in a field under the full moon. I was especially disappointed to find that the dope smoking hippies getting jiggy with it wasn’t true. But, we’ve all had our hopes shattered before. All we can do is accept it and move on with our lives.

Dr. Smith pointed out a number of things that people don’t know about Wicca…

- Wicca is not patriarchal like most religions are.
- There is no central “governing authority” over Wicca.
- Wiccans don’t believe in or acknowledge Satan or Hell.
- Very few people engage in Wicca practices nude. (Bummer, right?)
- Wiccans do spells which are very much like blessings and prayers.
- Wiccans believe that the spirit of the Goddess and God exist in all things.
- No magick is done for the purposes of hurting anyone. Whatever you do others, will come back to you threefold.
- The witches and Wiccans you see in modern pop culture like movies and TV shows don’t exist.
- Wiccans (and Druids) are still persecuting in many ways by society.
- Wiccans only want to live in harmony with nature, be good members of society and respect one another.
- Not all Pagans are Wiccans, not all Wiccans are Pagans.
- The Pentagram is a five point star that means “Water” Earth” “Fire” “Air” and “Spirit” (It isn’t the sign of the Occult.)
- They do cool chants, one of which Rev Smith shared with us on the air.

Is that so wrong? Does that sound like the monsters and/or evil hag witches that you see on TV and in the movies all the time? Hell no! In fact, one could actually make the argument that what most people who practice religions like Christianity are most afraid of is Wiccan’s ability to be tolerant and accepting of everyone and everyone’s choices. (Well, not really bad people like pedophiles and wife beaters and that kind of shit.) Another thing that “tradition” religions fear is how Wiccans don’t try to take control of your life. They don’t use judgment, shame and fear to try and control people and keep them in line.

I really don’t see why so many people are so afraid of Wiccans. They seem pretty harmless to me. I would say the really bad people are the two closed-minded and intolerant people who defriended me on Facebook after I posted a link to the show. No Wiccan would ever do that!

Anyway, there’s lots more cool stuff in yesterday’s show about Wicca AAAAAND a dramatic reading of Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Raven” by the IWS Players! You should totally check it out. If you don’t it will only result in bad karma for you in the future. Or something.

Discover Comedy Internet Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

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Jesus Christ People, Leave Me Alone!

Hola to all the true believers, nonbelievers and everyone in between! Jesus People have really stepped up their game here in Redneckville over the last couple of weeks. I’ve been getting lots of church flyers on my door and even a few on my car which really annoys me. It’s supposed to be against the rules here at the Palatial Estates for people to go door-to-door or put fliers on cars but if anyone tries to run them off they’ll be accused of supporting El Diablo, Al Qaeda and/or Barack Obama. Of course most people here think Obama IS an Al Qaeda supporting Anti-Christ anyway.

Lately though, the Jesus People have gotten much more aggressive than just leaving flyers.  A couple of weeks ago a man and woman showed up at my door on a Saturday at 11 am hoping to talk to me about Jesus. They were from the Baptist Church which is the Big Dog of churches here in town. They pretty much dominate everything.

Anyhoodle, these two banged on my door and when I answered immediately handed me this little Jesus booklet talking about not just the history of Jesus, but the entire 6,000 year history of Earth. The highlight was the Eternal Life Birth Certificate…

Just fill it out and keep it with you at all times because that’s your ticket to Heaven! Just show St. Peter that and he will step aside and let you right in. Hell … er … Heck, you won’t even have to stand in line OR watch the orientation and safety video if you have one of those with ya.

After they handed me the booklet they attempted to invite themselves in so they could sit down, have a glass of lemon iced tea and talk Jesus with me. I politely yet firmly stood my ground and told them to have a nice day. The nerve of those people! Trying to come into my home and talk Jesus shit when there was college football on!

There was another Jesus related incident today. I had just finished my weekly shopping trip to Aldi and was returning my cart like a good member of society would when a woman walked right up to me and handed me yet another Jesus booklet while saying “Hello! You should read this.” Then she turns and walks off.

So this is how people are spreading the good word now? Harassing people in their own homes and accosting them in grocery store parking lots? Really? REALLY?!

I’m all for freedom of religion and I consider myself a Christian, but I’m also for freedom FROM religion. I shouldn’t be harassed both in public and at home by people who seem to believe that not only am I in need of saving but arrogantly believe that THEY have been chosen by God to do so.

I’ve never been a big fan of organized religion and don’t believe that you have to go to church every week or even ever to be a good Christian. In fact, I’ve found lots of churches that are full of really bad, fake Christians. So many people feel that just showing up for an hour or so every Sunday plus on Christmas Eve and hating gays is all it takes to get into Heaven.

I do know lots of people who have found great churches to attend and become involved in. They find lots of comfort in going to church and their church is like a family. That’s awesome! I’m very happy for them and honestly sometimes would like to find that too. Unfortunately that just doesn’t exist here in Redneckville.

Seriously though Jesus people, let me watch college football and do my grocery shopping in peace.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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@Jayman_IWS