Wrapping Presents Is Like Having Sex

In keeping with the spirit of Christmas, I have altered the meaning of sex as applied to the holiday of the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

I offer you an insight into my life with following definition alterations. From now on, and throughout the remainder of the Christmas season, these are the rules of the lexicon of sex…

Have Sex = Wrap presents
Having Sex = Wrapping presents
Had Sex = Wrapped presents

To wit, and heretofore is the following…

Back when I was a teen one Christmas Eve, my girlfriend Sherri and I were having sex in my bedroom when my brother Party Marty walked in. He burst out laughing because Sherri and I were so sloppy and bad at having sex.

Unfortunately, when the bastard walked in on us, he not only got a good laugh, he also got a full frontal peak at what she was giving him for Christmas. He left. We finished having sex, and I put a big bow on her box.

During the holiday season, I enjoy going to department stores and watching the young women behind the counter have sex. I don’t know how they do it.

They stand there 8-10 hours a day having sex in front complete strangers. It’s adorable watching the young boys and girls watch the chicks have sex with Daddy’s package.

I guess it is not really a bad gig. I mean having sex for 10 hours and getting paid for it, I may look into that.

When I was a wee lad, I remember one Christmas morn in particular. It was about 4 A.M., and I awoke with a thirst.

I straggled out to the fridge for a drink, and lo and behold, there were my mom and dad furiously having sex on the kitchen floor. Ribbon was flying everywhere, and without stopping, Dad told me to go back to bed.

One thing that always happens to me when having sex is that I run out of tape. It sucks because I can’t get the job done and nothing stays where it should while having sex. It’s really quite frustrating.

I remember another source of frustration as well. Back when I was a very young, left handed child, having sex was awkward and difficult for me.

Fortunately I had a number of older brothers and sisters who were always eager to lend me a hand. It was so nice of them to help me have sex.

Our family had a great time in those days. Our tightly knit clan would gather together to eat sausage balls, drink eggnog, and have sex as we listened to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing the Hallelujah Chorus over and over. Good times, good times.

Having sex can be one of the most joyous experiences of the holiday season.

And by the way, friends...

We still have a couple of days until Christmas. If you’re in the neighborhood, stop by, because I have gotten pretty good at having sex over the years…so if you need help having sex as I once did, I would love to help you have sex too.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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Jay and Matt Are Talking Turkey and Shoving the Stuffing

It’s almost Thanksgiving and what better way to prepare for our nation’s feast than to talk turkey and gobble up some laughs with Jay and Matt on the IWS Radio Show?

Tomorrow LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET, Jay and Matt will discuss Thanksgiving memories, pumpkin flavor overkill, and most importantly how to deal with drunk and/or judgmental family members who enjoy bringing others to tears during the holiday gatherings.

Jay and Matt will have the great debate…Green Bean Casserole, disgusting trash or delectable treasure?

All hands will be on deck as Bobby Kraft, Guy Ahnyurdyck, Drew Peacock, Rev. Moneymaker, Slyder Balzcock and the rest of IWS team talk about what they are thankful for while Joey Goodbar and Buddy Acapella sing the sounds of Thanksgiving.

All of that plus YOUR phone calls as IWS Radio kicks off the holiday season by plucking the birds, shoving the stuffing, and serving up the laughs as America celebrates Thanksgiving 2014.

Join us LIVE TOMORROW from Noon-2 PM ET as IWS Radio celebrates Thanksgiving with our Thanksgiving 2014: A Cornucopia of Comedy edition.

To listen LIVE (or later in archives) click HERE!! 

Brotherly Love, Baby!!

Last night, I was feeling a bit uncomfortable…out of my realm…unsure…kinda like I was waiting for
something to happen.

Schmoop was at work; I had nothing meaningful to do, and well…the internet was void of anything exciting upon which to comment.

And then…

My brother Party Marty called (far right).

Marty didn’t have anything going on either…so we talked about crap we did when we were kids, and guess what?  We laughed, and laughed out loud.

And, we talked and laughed for about forty-five minutes.

Let me tell ya…

As far as people here in Bagwine, Ohio, there are but two people who I open up to and leave a conversation out of breath because I have been laughing too loud and for too long…and that is my BFF Schmoop, and my brother, Party Marty.

I am happy…er…happy to exponitiate (it’s a word now)…that I am grateful that I am blessed with at least two people in my hometown that I can not only talk to, but visit via e-mail, phone, or in person, and any time I want to, share a laugh…or a hundred.

Y’know…sometimes we’re not totally unhappy…sometimes we’re not altogether sad…but, when we need a pick-me up of sorts, because we’re bored…Ol’ Party Marty, lead singer of The Dreamboats and friend of the IWS Radio Show, is the man.

He is as hilariously crude in private, and yet, he is reputable and thoughtful in public.  I like that.

I’m not verbally cloistered like that by any means, but I enjoy a sense of  brotherly love and pre-emptive laughter when I hear Marty begin a comment with…

“Matt…Let me tell you what I said the other day…but don’t repeat it.”

Ha.  Schmoop is the same way.

I admit…I am out there on this website and our radio show, and want to make a name for myself and IWS Radio, but Marty and Schmoop?  They want to go through life calmly, nicely, yet anonymously.  (And in my brother’s case…successfully, that bastard)

But anyhoo…

I have to admit, that if I had neither Marty or Schmoop by my side, I would be selling used pencils and erasers at the Beer Mine…

Conveniently located at the corner of Elmore and Burnett Rd, but instead…

Even though they want to go through life anonymously, those two keep me laughin', keep me motivated, and keep me trying to make them laugh, and I know if I can make them laugh...I can make otherwise normal people laugh.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattmaniws
Matt Be On Facebook And Shit

Matt Said, Jay Said...1.38

Matt Coughs...Jay Sneezes...You reach for the Hand Sanitizer

Jay:  Hola and hello.
Matt:  Dude, you sound awful.
Jay:  I would tell you that I feel awful, but I don’t like to burden my friends.
Matt:  Even drugged up and sick, you are still a selfless human being.
Jay:  I know right?

Matt:  Hey I just checked BTR, last week’s show is now #3 in all of entertainment.
Jay:  I would be excited about that if I weren't on the death’s doorstep.
Matt:  Suck it up, man!!
Jay:  Alright, alright…so this Sunday? What’s the topic?
Matt:  Well…much like you next week, millions of Americans will gearing up for the holidays.

Jay:  Yeah…I’ll be heading to Nebraska for a wonderful Thanksgiving week.
Matt:  Yep…Thanksgiving annnnd...Hanukkah begins on Thanksgiving this year.
Jay:  I wonder what, if anything, Jews eat when that happens.
Matt:  I dunno.  Turkey is kosher isn't it?
Jay:  I think so.  I’m pretty sure they serve it in the finer Jewish delis.
Matt:  A Jewish Thanksgiving, there has to be some yuks yuks talking about that.

Jay:  True…And we could talk about personal prepping for all of the upcoming holidays.
Matt:  Sounds good…I bet Giada De Laurentiis turns turkey day into a Broadway type event.
Jay:  Maybe in most years, I thi---
Matt:  Most years?
Jay:  Yeah I hear she and hubby Todd are kinda on the outs.
Matt:  Really?
Jay:  Oh hell yeah and our staff has exclusive access to some pretty salacious audio of the couple.
Matt:  Sweet!!
Jay:  We’ll definitely debut that this Sunday.

Matt:  Awesome.  I hear Buddy Acapella has a new holiday song out.
Jay:  He’s amazing.  Dixie Ozark is going to be on hand as well.
Matt:  Love Her!!  Stubby Stonehenge has some little known facts about Nebraska to share.
Jay:  I’ll need to know those before I get there.  And you know what else I’ll need?
Matt:  What’s that?
Jay:  Some Meditations by Martin to keep me calm during my travels.

Matt:  Sounds as though this is going to be a laugh packed show.
Jay:  Made only funnier by the fact that we’ll be calling the Butterball Help Line.
Matt:  Along with Butterball we have a new seasonal sponsor as well.
Jay:  Holy Cow, this is HUGE!!

Matt:  I know right?
Jay:  If folks don’t listen to IWS Radio LIVE tomorrow from Noon-2 PM ET they’re wacko.
Matt:  And un-American.
Jay:  I think we’re ready.
Matt:  God Bless American and Green Bean Casserole!!
Jay:  Uuch, I think I’m feeling sick again.

To listen to the IWS Radio Show LIVE tomorrow from Noon-2 PM ET, click HERE.   

Dead Grandma and Other Tales

Jay's Grandma died...I'm tired...Just listen to the latest episode of  IWS Radio Show...

Popular Comedy Internet Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

Annnnnnd, join me tomorrow, where I may have something funny and insightful to say...

But probably not...

Cheers!!

Entering the Danger Zone

Holaaaaaaaaaa! Well, as Matt-Man mentioned yesterday, my Nana Creta passed away on Tuesday. She was 95 years old and lived a long and wonderful life. Sure, there were some hard times growing up in rural Arkansas, but she persevered and always made the best of it. She was born in Maumee, Arkansas in 1918 and grew up around St. Joe and then lived seventy-plus years in Yellville. She will be missed so very much.

Of course, this means I’ll be heading into the Danger Zone on Friday. That’s the day of the funeral and I’ll have to be on my best behavior. Anytime I have to attend a formal function like a funeral I have to remember that social disaster lurks around every corner. I have the potential to say something stupid at any moment. It’s gonna be an Afternoon of Awkward people!

Plus, I have to wear a suit. Hell, I had even forgotten that I owned a suit until I looked in my closet to see what I had and what I might have to go get for the funeral. It’s a pretty decent suit and it all matches which is a huge plus right there. I’ll just have to try to stop myself from fidgeting around and messing with my tie the whole time. It’s pretty bad when a 45 year old is more fidgety than the little kids.

It all starts at 12 Noon with a lunch at the Methodical Church over in Yellville. My primary objective during lunch will be to make sure I don’t spill anything on my shirt which is much easier said than done. I’m not sure what will be served but if it’s possible to drop a big blob of it on my tie and shirt, I’m sure I will. Damn won’t I look good up there with the other pallbearers with a big stain right in the middle of my shirt? OH GOD THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN ISN’T IT??!!??

Then there’s the funeral itself. Since funeral services are generally not very long it really won’t be that bad. Just a little sermon and maybe some people telling some fun stories and stuff like that. Immediately after the service comes one of two opportunities for epic embarrassment. I’m talking of course about possibly being THE ONE who either struggles with or even loses his grip on the coffin. Okay, that’s probably not going to happen because there are eight of us and I’M A BIG STRONG MAN! But, nothing is out of the realm of possibility here.

Let’s see, what else could go wrong? Oooooo I could have a massive fall allergy attack! That’s a good one. I’ll end up spending the entire day sneezing and snotting all over myself and people sitting or standing near me. Not to mention the hacking and coughing while the preacher is trying to speak. Man that will be super annoying!

My back could suddenly act up. That would be sweet. Sitting there in excruciating pain desperately needing to move around or lie down but not able to. Could you imagine how much fun that would be? Not to mention I would be walking around looking like someone shoved a corn cob up my ass. That’s always a good look. Also, if I’m in that kind of pain I’m far more likely to say something stupid and/or spill some food on my shirt.

Honestly, there’s a loooooong list of things that could happen. I’m not saying I think any of them will, I’m just saying it’s possible. Don’t worry though, I’m totally not stressing over this at all. Nope, not me. I know it’s all good.  Well, unless I have BOTH an allergy attack AND my back flares up! Yeah, that’s the most likely scenario.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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Hump Day Hodgepodge

Cheeeeeeeers and Happy Hump Day Chuckleheads!!

A whole lotta nothing exciting going on around here, or is there?

Let’s find out, by just letting the personal headlines from my head ooze out onto the always artful pages of the IWS website.

Dateline…Commonwealth of Virginia…Headline reads…

Terry “I’m a Carpet Bagging Car Salesman” McAuliffe defeats Ken “Transvaginal Ultrasound” Cuccinelli to win the title of, Slightly Less Creepy of the Two Old Dominion Gubernatorial Candidates.

Dateline…Bagwine, Ohio Apartment 102...New Furnace Installed, Schmoop Gets Hot Just Looking at It.

The always cold IWS Radio bit player Schmoop, shone a rare smile today when she eyed a new Goodman furnace nestled snugly within the IWS Bagwine Studio.  Isn't it pretty?

Upon final installation of said furnace, she chirped…

“Sweet!!  Now I can quit using Matt-Man as a blanket, send him back to his couch, and get eight hours of quality, undisturbed sleep every night.  Praise Jeebus!!”

Sometimes when Schmoop speaks extemporaneously and I am within ear shot, it is quite hurtful, but…I sally forth, and hide my hurt and bitterness from her.  I only cry when she goes to work, or when I am at work, or…when she rests with a smile upon her face while I TYPE IN ANGER!!

Kidding, of course…sorta.

Anyhoo…

When I read my timeline on Twitter…I almost always say to myself, “America certainly does get the government she deserves.”

The tweets from the right and the left are enough to propel Hitler, Hindenburg, Stalin, and Trotsky to get along, and all the while asking each other…

“Let’s see if Roosevelt and Churchill would like to come over for drinks and a wicked game of charades.”

If America, any country, or the fragile sanity of the world is to survive, we all need to let go of this, “You’re either with me or against me” bullshit.

You know what’s funny?

Outraged TRUE conservatives like Sean Hannity and his tea bagging partiers want reform, and yet…

They cling like Socialists to the political meal ticket of the GOP.  They claim that they want reform, but don’t have the guts nor the electability to do it on their own, so?

They whine about their own party, which of course, they do “in no way belong”…

What?  Fucking pussies.

Left wing Democrats?  They are euphoric.  In spite of themselves and a President who couldn’t lead a baloney sandwich and a bag of pretzels from its paper bag into the mouth of a hungry, lunch-time sixth grader, celebrate the victory of last night’s elections.

What a joke.

Nobody cares about governing.  Nobody cares.  Left, Right, Conservative, or Liberal.  Nobody cares about you or I. Or about Peter, about Paul, about Shirley.  Ha!!

You thought I was going to say Mary, didn’t you?

Eh…Politicians just want to get re-elected, and folks like Hannity, Maddow, and others, just want to get ratings.

Many Americans want to be part of a winning team.  Whether it be a football team, a Baseball team, or sadly, a political party.

They want to win.  Unfortunately, while electioneering is a game of skill and chance, governing is not, and that is where Americans blow it.  A 51% to 49% vote total is not a win if the man or woman that we elected has no idea how to govern.

And lastly…

A shout-out to Jayman and his family, as oft time mentioned Nana Creta passed away yesterday afternoon at the age of 95.  I often made jokes about her longevity, and feel a missing of her already.

I dig anyone who can transcend the averages like she did, and am saddend by her passing.  So…

Pass your heart felt sympathies on to Jayman and his family today, if you would.  I am sure he would appreciate it.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

Mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
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How to Be a Famous Mommy Blogger

Hola all you folks hanging around the slowly dying Bloggerhood to the bitter end. IWS has a very special treat for y’all today. I’m joined by my very good friend, the super smart, funny, sweet, clever, talented and HAWT Gnetch AKA: Little Miss Sunshine!!!IKR???!!!!  Anyway, we’re here today to give some of you budding Mommy/Daddy Bloggers out there some free advice on making it in the Blogging World.

Gnetch: That’s right Jay and hello to the IWS world! Blogging may be dead but not for mommy blogs. Seems like mommy blogs will stay with us forever, at least until they stop having babies or their babies grow up. Since mommy/daddy blogs are pretty common, I have a few tips on how to be an EXTRAORDINARY mommy/daddy blogger.

Jay: That’s right Gnetch babe! We are freaking EXPERTS on this shit. I mean just look at us, the happy mommy and daddy with our beautiful United Nations looking family which is a HUGE advantage in the mommy blogging world for obvious reasons…

Anyway, here’s some very good advice for you other mommies and daddies out there.

Gnetch: Giving your readers the impression that your baby is extra smart because they learned how to say "dada" at such an early age is pretty common. Readers have higher standards now. They're not impressed with "dada" anymore. Unless "dada" really means "fuck off", then that's extraordinary.

Jay: You’re absolutely right on that. One of the biggest mistakes I see mommy/daddy bloggers make is they brag about some of the most mundane things their little snowflakes do that really aren’t all that special. Kids do cute shit all the time and they pretty much all do the same cute shit. You gotta make sure your kids stands out!

Gnetch: Darn right! What’s important is for mommies and daddies to make readers think your baby is better than theirs. Do not just rely on them developing naturally. Teach them and let your readers think they're just naturally talented.

Jay: What kinds of things should people be teaching their babies?

Gnetch: In their first month, while your baby is still trying to adjust to this strange new world, teach them how to twerk. Oh, don't use the "they're just babies, their bones are still weak" bullshit. It's a tough world out there. Better train them early. Anyway, teach them how to twerk. This may take time, because one-month babies can't stand by themselves yet BUT it will be worth your effort. By the age of 3 months, they'll probably be twerking their way to you to ask for milk.

Jay: That would be a pretty special baby right there!

Gnetch: Oh, there’s more. In their third month, when your baby is strong enough to hold their head steadier (and can twerk), teach them how to pole dance. Install a pole in their crib and let them figure out what to do with it. They'll figure it out. The kid will reach for the pole, learn how to stand while holding on to the pole, and eventually learn how to dance. You’ll be surprised.

Jay: This when mom and dad need to get the video recorder out and make their kid a star right?

Gnetch: Dude, you are so right. Make sure you document these talents on a video and post it on your blog. OHMYGOD, your baby has natural talent. Of course no one should know that you're the one who taught your baby. Our aim here is to make your baby sound special and be on Ellen before the age of 1.

Jay: Special but not “SPECIAL” right?

Gnetch: Ha! Right, we’re not talking hockey helmet special here. We’re talking Miley Cyrus special talent here. Most importantly though, to stand out as a mommy/daddy blogger, you have to make sure your baby reaches fame and popularity. Add a few drops of alcohol in their milk and have them snort a pinch of coke. You're gonna get hate for this, that's for sure. But what matters is that you and your baby are famous. Bad publicity is still publicity, right?

Jay: Hell yeah! Rehab at the age 12? That’s gonna get your kid talked about on social media a lot and that’s where fame starts. From there make sure the kid relapses so they can go on Dr. Drew and Celebrity Rehab and then what happens?

Gnetch: Your kids go on Oprah and then they get their very own reality show! And THAT’S how you measure success as a parent!

Jay: Damn right babe! Thanks for sharing all your brilliant insight with us here today.

Gnetch: No, thank you! Anytime dude.

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