Matt Said, Jay Said...XLVIII

Matt kicks off.  Jay runs it back.  You throw a flag for delay of the IWS Radio Show.

Matt: Hellroooooooo?
Jay:  Glad you finally realized that today is Show Prep Day.
Matt:  Well with Schmoop here everyday, I never know what day it is.
Jay:  Yeah…When she was working, and was home during the day, you knew it was Saturday or Sunday.
Matt:  I know, right?  And now?  I am completely lost, day of the week wise.
Jay:  Man…it’s hard being you.
Matt:  Pffffffffffft.  Don’t I know it.

Jay:  So, I guess we should not do a show this Sunday since it’s Super Bowl Sunday.
Matt:  Yeah…It’s a shame, but for some reason the Super Bowl is more interesting than our comedy.
Jay:  I don’t get that.
Matt:  Me neither.
Jay and Matt:  Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?
Matt and Jay:  Plus, it would be nice to be able to watch the big game ourselves.  Hey-Ooooooooooooo!!

Jay:  Super Bowl Sunday is a good time…a few drinks…
Matt:  Some salty snacks…
Jay:  America coming together for four quarters…
Matt:  The dulled excitement of Joe Buck calling the game…
Jay:  If only Troy Aikman would feign a post-concussion seizure and deck that idiot.  That would be awesome!!
Matt:  Joe Buck’s neutrality as a human being, needs to be punched.
Jay:  Word.

Matt:  On the upside, Pam Oliver will be on the sidelines.  Mmmmmmmmm, Pam.
Jay:  Oh Hell Yeah…So will Erin Andrews; I hope the angry black man doesn’t frighten her again!!
Matt:  If he does, Sean Hannity will be all up in his ass.
Jay:  Ha…Sean Hannity couldn’t kick Erin Andrews’ ass, let alone Richard Sherman’s.
Matt:  Ha.  Word.

Jay:  So no show this Sunday, but we will be back February 9th.
Matt:  Damn straight, and it will be our Valentine’s Day Show.
Jay:  The Day of Heartache for female office workers who get one-upped by their female co-workers.
Matt:  It’s so sad when a chick feels less loved than her next-door cubicle buddy.
Jay:  It’s a fucking shame.
Matt and Jay:  Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!

Matt:  Alright then…We’ll take this Sunday off during Super Bowl XLVIII, and come back February 9th.
Jay:  Sounds like a good plan.
Matt:  Enjoy your snacks and all of the gridiron action.
Jay:  You do the same, and pray for a costume malfunction involving Pam Oliver.
Matt:  I always do.

Jay and Matt:  Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!
   

Super Bowl Forty-Eight Extravaganza

Hola Sports Fans! We are only a few days away from one of the greatest sports spectacles in the world, Super Bowl XLVIII! At 6:30 (ish) pm ET on Sunday, the Seattle Seahawks and Denver Broncos will do battle in front of hundreds of millions of people all over the world. Only a handful of those people will actually give a damn who wins, but it will be fun anyway.

The NFL continues to be far more marketing style over actual football substance. The product on field rarely even comes close to the hype, although this match up does look like a great one. Despite the fact that NFL ratings continue to go up, up and away, the league is not without its problems. Chief among those problems is how much more dangerous the game is today and how much more we know about those dangers, especially to the brain. While the ratings go up, more and more parents are questioning whether they will allow their sons to play football.

There is also the problem of the game becoming increasingly too expensive for people to attend. Tickets aren’t cheap, parking is an outrage and if you want a hot dog or beer from the concession stand you’ll need to take out a small loan. Combine that with the fact that watching the game form home on your own large HDTV is soooooo much more comfortable and it’s easy to see a real attendance problem developing in the near future for the NFL. This is especially true as the phrase “in this economy” stretches into its sixth year of being a legitimate excuse not to spend money on “luxuries.” And of course, this is where the NFL’s idiotic blackout policy drives people to watch games via illegal online streaming.

And let’s not forget that every season we are subjected to the most moronic “analysis” from all the brilliant football pundits out there. The same pundits who marvel at the “athleticism and football instincts” of black players while extolling the “high work ethic and intellectual approach to football” of white players. According to them, this is still a game where black QBs like possible first round draft pick Teddy Bridgewater of Louisville is hilariously labeled as a “running QB” while so-called experts marvel at the fact that Indy’s white QB Andrew Luck “is so big and can run so well.”

Oh and let’s not forget about HGH and the fact that the NFL is probably going to have to find a way to deal with it that allows players to use it when injured to help in their recovery. They do anyway, so why not make it so that it could be monitored and less dangerous? Same goes for medical marijuana. Come on, WE ALL KNOW IT’S GONNA HAPPEN!

Over the top marketing and commercialism, classism, racism, violence and ignoring problems until they’re almost too big to deal with them and the NFL truly is American’s Game. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Anyhoodle, as usual I have not been invited to any Super Bowl parties so I went to Walmart today to get the stuff I needed for my own little party. I’m going to have nachos, taquitos baked in the oven and a burrito. Oh wait, I guess I won’t be having a burrito because NOBODY in town had what I wanted. I don’t need a package of 12 burritos, I just need one. So, I’ll have to live without the burrito and the disappointment is mad real y’all.

Believe it or not though, there are lots of people out there who don’t give a damn about the Super Bowl or football at all. We call these people America-hating, terrorist-loving, pinko-commie panty-wastes. No offense intended, of course. But, if you happen to be one of these people, I have you covered.

Maybe you could watch a movie? Perhaps, “Sleepless in Seattle” or “Things to do in Denver When You’re Dead?”

Or you could read. Possibly the “Undead Kama Sutra” by Mario Acevedo which is set in Denver, or go all out and read “Fifty Shades of Grey” by E.L. James which is set in Seattle?

Maybe some TV would be more fun? Well, you could watch a bunch of episodes of “South Park” created by Coloradans Trey Parker and Matt Stone or, if you prefer humans, you can binge watch “Community” starring Seattle native (kinda) Joel McHale.”

BONUS: Community’s Alison Brie…

Let’s see what the late, great Nipsey Russell thinks …

Super Bowl forty-eight is all set for the Meadowlands
Fans, celebrities and dignitaries will be on hand
But you should just stay home with a bunch of beer in your fridge
You never know when Chris Christie will close another bridge

Denver is a 2.5 point favorite, but I really have no idea who will win. I suspect that the Broncos just have a little too much offense for the Seahawks and will win something  like ….

Denver 27
Seattle  17

Enjoy the game everyone! Or don’t, what do I care?

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Super Bowl XLVIII: Only the Slyder Knows

Hi Sports Fans…IWS Sports Director Slyder Balzcock coming to you LIVE from Next Life Stadium in East Brotherhood, New Jersey breaking down the upcoming Super Bowl for you.

Super Bowl Excelvie, pits the defensively dangerous Legion of Bomb of the Seattle Mariners, against the holds no-bar offense of Eli Manning and the Mile High Broncos.

Broncos fans haven’t been this worked up since Floyd Little was still looked upon with a distrusting eye in Denver restaurants, and these days, the giddiness of Mariners fans surpasses the joy felt even when Starbucks came out with a Strawberry Mocha Café Latte in April of aught eleven.

When there is a Super Bowl, shenanigans and excitement abound.

And let me tell ya, when a team from the Pacific Time Zone meets a team from the Mountain Time Zone, it gets really ugly when they play the Super Bowl in the Eastern Time Zone, and it doesn’t seem fair!!

For instance…

Let’s say that Eli Manning goes all Mustang on the Mariners, and does a hurry-up offense…How can Seattle who is a time zone behind, respond with a defense that can defend their play?

And here’s a real kicker…if the Broncos run a delay draw play…the Mariners may be even more than an hour behind.  It doesn’t seem fair, but Mariner fans, have no fear.

If the game goes into overtime, the Seattle grid-ironers have a better chance to win because they have an extra hour to play the game.

And now, for my sumulation and prediction…

The boys of the Nile High City are pretty good.  Eli, along with Jenarious Thomas, Eric Becker, and Wes Walker baste a formidable pass attack…although…

Seattle has legendary actor Kurt Russell at quarterback, his step-child, Golden Hawn at wide-receiver, and the ever inflammatory Richard “Tecumseh” Sherman at cornerback.

My prediction?

If Eli can put more points up on the board than Snake Pliskin, the Broncos will win, but let me tell ya…

Eli doesn’t always have it going on, however…

If the late, great Ernest Borgnine shows up in that ratty-tatty Escape from New York car, and responds to a play action pass from Eli…it’s all over.

My Super Bowl prediction?

In sumulation…Ernest Borgnine kicks a three point safety and blocks a hand off to secure the win for the Mile High Broncos, even though Ernie plays for the Seattle Football Giants.

Have a great Super Bowl Sunday, and as always…

This is Slyder Balzcock, leavin’ it all on the field, and headin’ for the showers!!

But for more Super Bowl insight, you stay right there…

Slyyyyyyyyder

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Courtney Stodden and Jayman Should be Friends

Hola y'all! As you guys probably already know, I don't have a whole lot of social skills. Well, once of my new year's resolutions was to work on that. I decided that I needed to be more open and engage people in conversation in hopes of making friends. The first person I have attempted to make friends with is Courtney Stodden.

Here's how it's gone so far...

So far, no response whatsoever! WTF? Why won't Courtney be my friend? I don't really know what else I can do. I've been as charming and thoughtful as hell and even kind of funny and NOTHING! Not even a smiley face or an acknowledgment that I even exist. I'm at a total loss as to what to do next.

I'm going to have to decide if I keep trying to be friends with Courtney Stodden or move on to someone else. What do you guys think?

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Super Bowl XLVIII...The Home Team Wins!!

We are but a mere five days away from Super Bowl XLVIII, so I thought that maybe, as I did last year, solicit unsolicited invites to the Super Bowl parties of others who would have never invited me in the first place…solicited, unsolicited, or otherwise.

See?  Last year when I pleaded for invitations to Super Bowl parties, I actually received a handful of invites, accepted one, and actually showed up to said event.

Sure, it was somewhat surreal and odd at the party when I showed up, but I had a good time, because I got to hang out with a friend whom I had
n’t seen in years.

I thought I would do the same thing this Super Bowl season, and maybe have two fun, spontaneous Super Bowls in a row…so, I posted this last night upon my Facebook Page…

Guess what?  Not a single invite, well…not a serious one.  Oh sure…

My friend, the wonderfully sarcastic and avid IWS Radio listener Tiffany, told me to come on down for her Super Bowl party, but of course, she only did that because she lives in Florida, and knew that she was safe from me actually showing up.

And then my nearly life-long buddy and IWS’ own Nurse Sherri, suggested that I party with our mutual Japanese friend, Saynora Tokahama or whatever.  The dude is pretty cool, but he lives in Japan.

Even if I could party and watch the game with him, as he does live in Japan, I’d be watching the Super Bowl on a Monday, and something about that just doesn’t sit well with me, and feels, well…downright un-American.

Well anyway, the bottom lie is, thus far I have not been on the receiving end of any party invites, so I guess I’ll have to watch the game here at home with Schmoop.  And, hey…don’t get me wrong!!

I love hanging with Schmoop Super Bowl night or any time of year, but getting an acceptance of my unsolicited invite to a Super Bowl would make me happy…would make me chuckle, and most importantly, would provide me with awesome blog fodder.

However, Schmoop and I will have a wonderful time this Super Bowl Sunday.

If we have the funds, we’ll order a pizza.  If not, we’ll make one ourselves.  We can make dried beef cream cheese roll-ups, and have pickles, cheese and crackers, olives annnnnnnnnnd, baked pepperoni.  Mangia!

And the best thing about staying home and watching the Super Bowl with Schmoop?

Probably as early as the end of the first quarter, we will turn off the game, crank up some tunes, drink beer, eat snacks, and goof on people and each other.

And really?  For most Americans, that is what Super Bowl Sunday is all about, having parties which surround a person with laughter and good friends.  The Super Bowl has become much more than a mere NFL Championship football game.

The Super Bowl has become the winter thaw.  A day when for a few hours, the soul-sucking, drab, monochromatic winter becomes a festival of watercolors in the shades of flashy uniforms, delicious junk food, funny commercials, too much beer, and the warmth of close friends.

And since Schmoop is my best friend, I guess watching the big game at home is where I should be, and who knows?

If I don’t have too much to drink, perhaps Schmoop will put on a halftime show for me that will rock my world.

Oh yeahhhhhhhh…

If I play my cards right this Super Bowl Sunday, Matt-Man is going to end up going to “Disneyworld!!”

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Taylor Swift, Chrissy Teigen, John Legend and IWS Rocked 2014!

It was a raucous and exciting Year in Review on IWS Radio this week y’all! We talked about all the big ups and downs Matt-Man and Jayman have both experienced. Things like Matt’s terrible sickness and Jay’s laptop “incident” among other things. We also …

- Discussed Jay’s local KFC Closing down.

- Matt-Man announced that John Legend would be performing at the Bagwine Special Events Center and Youth Hostel AND he will undoubtedly be bringing Chrissy Tiegen with him!

- Discussed the social impact of Richard Sherman’s epic and ugly rant in Erin Andrews’ face.

- Walmart recalling Donkey Meat.

- Schmoop’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad 2014.

- Jayman had to defend Taylor Swift from a vicious and totally uncalled for attack by Matt-Man.

- The Arizona Republican Party censured Sen. John McCain for not being conservative enough.

- Honored some of the greats who died in 2014 like Russell Johnson, Daniel Madden and James Garner. (Is James Garner still alive? Never can remember.)

- Redneckville, AR refused to accept a “Love Thy Neighbor” award simply because the organization presenting it to the city was the KKK.

- A Super Bowl Preview of sorts.

- Drew Peacock, Paul Piatt, John Kerry, Rev Moneymaker dropped by.

- Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand soooooooooooooo much more!!! Check it out. Please?

Popular Comedy Internet Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

IWS Person of the Week...Mike Huckabee !!

Greetings, Cheers, and Hola from IWS Radio...It's Sunday, so it's time for our IWS Person of the Week!!

This week, we honor a man who is true to his morals, his belief in GAWD, and his belief that if he can be a human chameleon, he can be elected in President of the United States in 2016.

Our Person of the Week is Arkansas' Second Favorite Son, behind Jayman of course, and just above that rapist and horrible President, Bill Clinton...

Former Arkansas Governor, and Human Libido Meter, Mike Huckabee!!

Everyone likes Mike, because he is a man of God, who has a rapier wit and a charm offensive that could melt the cold Teutonic heart of German Chancellor Angela Merkel...

But don't let his folksy charm fool you...He has an adorable aura about him that is quite sexy and intoxicating, even among both tea partiers and teetotalers!!  And yes ladies, his "sermon" is THIS long...

But don't get on his wrong side when it comes to issues of morality, such as women wanting unfettered access to birth control, because this hayseed is both the Starsky AND Hutch of Birth Control Police...

And let it be known, you freakish gay men and women out there, don't even think about getting married. The Huckster has the Lord's ear, and he will wipe you off the planet and wipe clean the supernatural tears of Jesus Christ from his holy face...

Mike Huckabee's tweet upon the SCOTUS ruling took extreme courage on his part, especially because his wife Janet, is a man..

.

Thank you for being you, Governor Huckabee...you put the unwanted pregnancy, two people in love crap aside, and say to all of America...

"Better to curse the sin that is Birth Control, than have a baby that you never intended, and give it up for adoption...unless it is to a gay couple, because, well...the kid will turn out gay."

Gov. Mike Huckabee..The IWS Person of the Week!!

And...Don't forget kids!!  Tonight LIVE from 8-10 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio...Jay and Matt are bidding a fond farewell to the Year 2014.

It's been a great year and we will review it thus far.

To listen LIVE Click HERE!!  

Matt Said Jay Said Humility Edition

Matt: Jaymaaaaaaaaaaannnn
Jay: I’M THE BEST BTR CO-HOST IN GAME!!!
Matt: Wha…
Jay: DON’T COME AT IWS WITH THESE WEAK UNFUNNY HOSTS!
Matt: Okay …
Jay: YOU RUN YOUR MOUTH AT US WE’LL SHUT IT FOR YA!!!
Matt: Who was talking?
Jay: EVERYBODY! IT’S TALK RADIO!!!
Matt: Which show are you talking about?
Jay: THOSE MEDIOCRE SHOWS!
Matt: Okay then.
Jay: OKAY THEN! AS LONG AS WE CLEAR ON THAT!
Matt: We’re clear.
Jay: CRYSTAL???
Matt: Crystal clear.

Jay: Uhh .. sorry … got caught up in the moment.
Matt: I know how emotional you are.
Jay: Internet radio is just so competitive man.
Matt: It’s hard-hitting!
Jay: Gotta bring the funny every damn week man.
Matt: No taking any bits or jokes off.
Jay: Can’t do it.
Matt: People really don’t understand that.
Jay: No they don’t.
Matt: They’re all like “show some class” and shit.
Jay: IKR?! And “be humble” WTF man?
Matt: Humility gets you beat in this business.
Jay: You can be humble in the middle of the ratings pack.
Matt: Exactly!
Jay: People can call me a “thug” if they want, but I’m not backing down.
Matt: That’s the nicest thing they call you.
Jay: I know and I don’t ca … What?
Matt: Oh nothing.
Jay: People call me names?
Matt: Nooooooooooooooo .. Not at all
Jay: I hope not. That would hurt my feelings.
Matt: Mine too!
Jay: IKR? You’re a very sensitive man.
Matt: That’s why the chicks dig me.
Jay: Totally.
Matt: Honestly, they don’t call you names.
Jay: Promise.
Matt: Only a few people do.
Jay: Damn …

Matt: So what are we doing on this week’s show?
Jay: What we were going to do LAST WEEK?
Matt: Oh yeah! Great idea!
Jay: If you’re throat holds out.
Matt: I’ve never missed a gig dude.
Jay: I know. You are BTR’s Iron Man.
Matt: So, 2014: The Year in Review?
Jay: Let’s do it.
Matt: It’s been a wild year!
Jay: Lots of ups and downs!
Matt: Triumphs and failures.
Jay: Taylor made for Paul Piatt poetry!
Matt: Totally. And we need some guidance from Rev. Moneymaker.
Jay: Agreed. Maybe a sponsor this week?
Matt: If I can scrounge one up.
Jay: I got some live audio of John Kerry meeting w/ the Russians too.
Matt: What a ball of fire that man is!
Jay: Inspiring!
Matt: And Schmoop has had an eventful 2014.
Jay: I’d like to have eventful times with Schmoop.
Matt: If I don’t survive this cold, have at it.
Jay: I’m not rooting for that. Just so you know.
Matt: I know you aren’t. Probably.
Jay: Got some great local stories from Redneckville for 2014 too.
Matt: Lots happening in Bagwine too!
Jay: Damn, this is going to be a full show!
Matt: And people might get to hear me die on the air.
Jay: RATINGS GOLD BABY!
Matt: That’s the way I want to go out.
Jay: So unselfish of you.
Matt: Right?
Jay: Okay we’re ready!
Matt: Let’s do this people!

Be sure to tune into “2014: Year in Review” on IWS Radio Sunday at 8 PM ET!!!!

Sore Throats and Satire Do Not Mix

Cheeeeeeeeers and a Happy Thursday to you all, and you damn well better be happy. because for the next few days I shall be living vicariously through you!!

I have a sore throat.  A sore throat from Hell, and I mean it is literally a sore throat from Hell, because I hear that the Devil has Menorah-like hemorrhoids that burn for days upon end, and well…

I evidently have Satan’s, blood red ass cherries firmly lodged in my throat as they turn my uvula into what looks like a tiny, yet swollen red incandescent light bulb, and leaves my trachea feeling like the 4-Methylcyclohexane Methanol laced Kanawha River in West By God Virginia

Yep, that’s the state of my throat, and as many of us know, sore throats are among the most annoying non-life threatening afflictions with which we deal, because…

Sore throats while they last, are constant.  Sore throats are omnipresent.  An active sore throats mock us, because unlike having the flu when one just lies down and sleeps it away, the sore throat allows one to remain active.

I may be a bit tired, but I am still awake enough and able enough to go to work, and yet?  My throat is fucking killing me!!

And you know what I have discovered during this inflamed throat episode?

I never realized how often I swallow during the day, when not eating nor drinking.  Holy Cow, the average person evidently does a swallow reflex out of habit 10,000 times a day.  And?

And with each swallow, laugh, and/or cough, I cry…just a little…both inside and out.

And let me tell you.  It has affected my skills as a world-class satirist.  Oh Yeah.

See, because of the annoying and constant pain, I cannot focus on the humor at hand that our good God has given us the last couple of days, and let me tell ya…

There’s a Noah’s Ark full of funny out there that transpired just in the past 48 hours.

Justin Bieber for instance…He tried to pull a Richard Marx and act like a total 5’7” badass by driving drunk in a rented Lamborghini and got arrested for DUI and resisting arrest.  Resisting arrest?

How many resisting arrest jokes are there to be made involving Justin Bieber?  Thousands!!  And I cannot concentrate enough due to my sore throat in order to put them to pen.

How does a 5’7” Pixie-Stix of a Canadian resist a burly Miami police officer?  By threatening to sing to him? See?  While probably true, it’s not very funny.  Thanks, Mr. Sore Throat.

And then late yesterday, former Gov. Mike Huckabee told the audience at the RNC Winter Meeting that women have been led to believe (by Democrats) that they need an Uncle Sugar and free birth control pills because woman cannot control their own libido.

The fact of the matter is that The Huckster doesn’t want women to have any birth control because GAWD wants them barefoot and pregnant, because well, that’s God’s plan.  Just ask the incestuous daughters of Lot and their alcoholic father!!

See?  This Huckabee crap is primetime joke-ready funny, and what do I have? Not a damn thing, because I am distracted by Satan’s Hemorrhoids inside my throat.

You would think that if Satan put his ass berries in my throat he would give me something funny to say about God’s Chosen One, Mike Huckabee, but no…Satan wants to merely torture me like the next guy.

However, I can get this out before I gargle once again with salt water and Wild Irish Rose…

Governor Huckabee, if your daughter Sarah was dating Justin Bieber, wouldn’t you want her on the strongest form of birth control that your Tea Party, Christian Coalition, and Super Pac money could buy?

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Jayman is Getting Married!

Holaaaaaaaaaa y’all! That’s right, in shocking out-of-nowhere news, the Jayman is getting married! I just finally decided that dammit, I’m 45 years old and it’s time to settle down and get married. Enough of this footloose and fancy-free lifestyle of mine! It’s time to start acting like a grown up! There’s only one problem with my plan right now…

I don’t know whom I will be marrying.

That’s definitely a problem, right? Well, not to worry cause I think I’ve found just what I’m looking for. My friends, I have joined the “Finda Life Partner to get Married” group on Facebook! Oh hell yes! It even says “only for serious people” so I see no reason that I won’t be able to find a suitable bride, take her on a whirlwind romance and then get married within around six to nine months.

I think the key to this is to come up with a killer introduction of myself to the group. First impressions matter ya know? So, here are a few ideas I’m working on.

- “Hola y’all! International internet radio star here and I’m looking a co-host for life. Living in the spotlight is a lot lonelier than it seems and it’s time to find someone to enjoy life with. Plus, by marrying me you will automatically get to be featured on IWS Radio! You’ll record and edit audios for the show and write for the website two or three times a week! Other responsibilities will include posting to the Facebook fan page and Tumblr. Plus, there will be all the other wifey duties of cooking, cleaning and making sure that I’m happy, healthy, relaxed and focused. What do you say ladies?

- You: A scared, hot legal (barely) age girl living in abject poverty in some third world shithole that is about to explode in civil war.

Me: Your only real option.  Let’s do this!

- Howdy girls! My name is Jay. I’m 45, but have the emotional maturity of a 15 year old. I’m considerably overweight and broke as hell. But, I’m full of love and am the World’s Greatest Cuddler. You could do worse, right?

- Sad, lonely and reserved middle aged male seeks shy, quiet girl for disappointing evenings out and possibly a long boring marriage. Email me for details. No fatties.

- So, are all you chicks here just a bunch of mail order brides, or what?

- Semi-successful speculative comedian here to make you laugh and giggle through life! If you don’t take life too seriously, I’m your guy. Let’s not worry about money and looks and all that superficial crap, let’s get deep and talk about what’s on the inside then Let’s. Get. Bizzay!

- Me: Old, fat and broke.  … You: Young, wild and free.  …. Opposites attract, right?

- Hey y’all! Just want to introduce myself to all the lovely ladies here. I’m a pretty average guy who is full of laughs and love. Let’s get to know each other and who knows, maybe it will lead to marriage or something. I mean, I prefer to just shack up for a while, but I’m open to other ideas. I’m even willing to travel so you don’t have to leave your family if you’re hot enough.  

- Okay enough of the bullshit. I’m lonely and you’re desperate. Let’s work something out. I’ll help out with the housework and do some of the cooking. You promise not to nag at me and put out every once in a while. We’ll work out all the other details as we go along. Sound good? Seriously y'all come on! If this doesn't work I'll have to join Asexuals Anonymous group! 

Man, it’s just so hard to decide which of those to use cause they’re all GOLD! I see no reason why I won’t be filling out foreign bride visa applications for some lucky lady damn soon! Or even better, I might be the one doing the moving! I’ll keep you guys updated, so start thinking about what you’re going to get us for our wedding gift!

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

You Won't Believe What Happened at Work Yesterday

Cheeeeeeeers Chuckleheads, Matt-Man here.

You are not going to believe what happened to me and the owner of the Beer Mine (conveniently located at the corner of Elmore and Burnett Road in Bagwine, OH.) yesterday.

I got there, as I always do, around 2 P.M.  Mike (the owner) and I were making small talk about how cold it has been and how much colder it will be getting, and then?

BAM!!  SPLASH!! BAZINGA!! CRASH!!

We both raced out of the semi-warm office to find what the noise was, and lo and behold, we couldn‘t believe our own sets of paired eyes as we stared at the drive thru floor and cooler doors.

I looked at Mike, and asked him…

“Holy Cow!!  Can you believe that shit?”

And Mike responded with much the same disbelief…

“Damn, that is fucking crazy!!”

We stared in disbelief for twenty seconds or so, although it seemed like an hour, and then looked at each other, and spontaneously and simultaneously said to one and other with mouths agape…

“This is July 24, 2012 all over again!!”

Just as we were preparing to fix the catastrophe, our buddy and one of our regulars, Keith, pulls in and says…

“Holy Shit…What the hell just happened?  That’s fucked up.”

Mike told him that maybe he should just take his beer, quit staring, and move along, but shortly afterward, as Mike and I were discussing what to do, Casey pulled in.

Ah yes, the affable, adorable, and hot Casey of the long reddish-brown hair, perky personality, and perkier breasts pulled in and said…

“Ha!!  You guys have quite the mess on your hands.  Could I get a case of Bud Light, a pack of smokes, and a bottle of wine while you are cleaning up.?”

After Mike and I argued over who would wait on Casey while the other began to clean up the devastation, I gave Casey her change, collected a well-deserved tip, and Mike said to me…

“Matt-Man, come here…You ain't going to believe what this shit left behind.”

And I didn't…It was supernatural.

After the events of July 24, 2012, I never believed that this would have ever happened at the Beer Mine again, and then Mike said to me…

“You know? We go to work every day; we do right by the Lord, and yet?  This same shit keeps happening over and over again.”

I looked upon the catastrophe that had just taken place, and with Mike’s words in my head said unto myself…

“Mike speaks the truth, but damn, and in spite of the suffering that took place here today…That Casey chick is hot.”

And there you go…a story of mayhem, rue, and regret from the Beer Mine.  May your today be better than your yesterday.

And let me tell you...if this ever happens again, you will be the first to know!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

A Long and Difficult Monday

Holaaaaaaaaaaa y’all! You know, my buddy Matt-Man has had to shovel a couple of tons of snow every day down at the Beer Mine. It looks pretty brutal and I guarantee you I wouldn’t do it. I try to have sympathy for Matt and all that shoveling, but it’s tough to when I’m dealing with all the shit that’s going on here.

Oh sure it was 63 degrees and sunny today. And I got to spend the day watching all the fallout of the “Richard Sherman is a Big Scary Black Man” incident after the NFC Championship game last night. And then there are the general “Damn it’s nice to be a white male in America” benefits that I enjoy daily. But, that doesn’t mean it was all sunshine, rainbows and Popsicles. In fact, it was kind of a rough day.

It started with me having to take my laptop in for service. Poor little fella! On Friday night I closed it and it went to sleep as usual, but then on Saturday morning it didn’t wake up. The computer was running, but the screen was black. I turned it off and back on and could hear the computer humming away, but the screen was still black.

I’m hoping it’s not anything too major. Like, maybe it’s just a little wire that broke or a switch that failed. I don’t know why I’m hoping that though cause nothing in my life up to this point has given me any reason to be positive or hopeful about just about anything. What really bothers me is how when I explained to the chick down at the computer fix-it place what the deal was she looked at me with this really “OMG THERE’S NO CURE FOR THIS!” look on her face.

Then, to make myself feel a bit better, I decided to have a couple of hotdogs for lunch. I got the little skillet to fry them up in on the stove and put a plop of butter in it and grabbed the dogs out of the fridge.

Uhhhh yeah. 95% FAT FREE!!! Who in their right mind would even consider making a product like this? I mean sure, I should have paid closer attention to what I was grabbing at the store, but damn! It never occurred to me that they would make something like this. As I said on Facebook, this is practically tofu, right? Well, I tried it and just couldn’t do it. Barely got halfway through one dog and just had to toss them out.

THUMBS DOWN TO THE 95% FAT FREE HOTDOGS!!!

Needless to say, by this time I was pretty bummed. My best friend laptop was in the ER and my hotdogs were “healthy” and really gross. Things just weren’t going my way today. So, to cheer myself up, I went on Twitter to see what all the funny and happy people of the world were doing. Nothing ever provides a better pick-me-up than laughing at the good folks of Twitter. Unless it’s MLK Day of course…

Well, that didn’t work out as I hoped. What now? Okay, it’s dinner time, last chance for happiness for today. I decided to go with a semi-healthy and delicious meal of chicken tenders, artichoke hearts and pasta.

How was it? It was PERFECT!

1. Empty one can of extra small artichoke hearts into a strainer, wash and drain thoroughly.
2. Cook up four decent sized chicken tenders on the stove with some garlic powder and Cavender’s. Don’t be afraid to get them “blackened” but no burned. Remove from pan and cut them up.
3. Heat the artichoke hearts up in a small amount of olive oil and ¼ sick of butter. Toss the cut up chicken in with them and squirt some lemon juice on them. Let simmer on low.
4. Cook 4 oz of spaghetti in a big pot of boiling water.
5. Drain spaghetti and then throw it in the pan with the chicken and artichoke. Maybe squirt some more lemon juice on the pasta.
6. Let sit in the pan and get happy together on low while garlic bread is cooking.
7. Once the garlic bread is done, serve with a white wine and eat it with your mouth.

Then, enjoy your evening knowing that even if you experience dead laptop monitors, fat-free hot dogs and idiotic tweets, you can still make it all okay with food and wine.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Martin Luther King...If He Were Alive Today, The Media Would Kill Him

Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day…

A day when millions remember and honor the memory and legacy of the foremost civil rights leader of a generation who was tragically slain in 1968.

King was a visionary who was brilliant, affective, and foremost, courageous. He also possessed perhaps the two most important gifts of a leader of men and causes…

An ability to inspire through sensible yet moving oratory, and more importantly, the serendipity of marching along the timeline of history at just the right moment.

King coming along at the time he did, was his most important ally because…

If MLK were alive today and railing against the injustices in the world, he would be eaten alive, by talk radio, tabloids, and the schadenfreude driven 24/7 “news” cycle of speculation and innuendo of cable TV.

Martin Luther King in spite of all his incredible command of what is good and what is just, was a man. A man full of flaws like all of us.

And…

Many of King’s human weaknesses were, by the girdle donning, high heel wearing J. Edgar Hoover, (and RFK for that matter) noted, embellished, and oft times imagined.

Did the married, minister of God enjoy the company of white women? Maybe.

Was he, the civil rights movement, and the SCLC associated with the Communist Party. Not really.

Because King was friends with, and was mentored by, another black civil rights activist, Bayard Rustin, who was a known homosexual, make King gay? Hardly…see above.

As King was a fan of the non-violent movement propagated by Gandhi, anti-American? Fuck no.

Yet today?

All of this “information” would be perused, skewed, and then taken as fact and spray painted like graffiti on the walls of a shut down factory in Youngstown, Elkhart, or Detroit upon our radios and TV’s.

And my friends…As MLK helped a people and a nation to see and actualize his dream, we as a nation have turned that dream on its head and turned it to some degree, into a nightmare.

If MLK were alive today he would be vilified for “communist ties”, castigated for “hanging out with homosexuals”, and sullied for being an un-American peacenik by today’s angry, ratings at all costs media, and the Haterade thirst of such from a large portion of Americans.

That is indeed why today, we have no great leadership in this country. Why would anyone who has the ability and desire to lead this nation, suffer the scrutiny of those who seek to tear greatness down?

I don’t care if a person was late on their taxes, smoked pot, had a marital indiscretion, or peed in a public pool while drunk, if he or she is willing, and able to lead this country out of its debt and malaise.

The great ones of today have no desire to lead because it would mean that they would be under the microscope of a media and a people who care more about who they fucked rather than what they can do.

We are stuck with vanilla. We are stuck with mediocrity. We are stuck with the here and now of, “Oh My God…he or she did what?”

I want inspiration from someone, no matter if he or she has human imperfections.

Where’s that inspiration going to come from? John Boehner? Mitch McConnell? Nancy Pelosi? Harry Reid?...Chris Christie!!?

Ha…I don’t fucking think so.

We have no leaders like King. King spent his adult years trying to forge the unity of a nation and sadly, trying unsuccessfully to not be gunned down by the bullet of bigotry and hate.

The so called leaders we have today? Instead of seeking greatness, they spend their adult years merely seeking reelection.

I hate it.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
Matt's Facebook Page

Four NFL Gladiators, Winners on the Gridiron and Now ...

IWS Person(s) of the Week!!!

This is it folks! It’s Championship Sunday! The NFL conference championships will be played on the frozen tundra of some corporate field in Denver and Seattle today. Doing battle will be four men who are not only amazing quarterbacks, but four of the greatest human beings on Earth!

In the AFC we have…

The dashing good looks of the New England Patriots’ Tom Brady

Vs

The folksy charm of the Denver Broncos’ Peyton Manning

In the NFC we have …

The fire and showmanship of the San Francisco 49ers’ Colin Kaepernick

Vs

The cool confidence of the Seattle Seahawks’ Russell Wilson

There are a lot of other players competing in the game, but nobody really cares who they are. Anyway, congrats to you SEXY BEASTS for being named the IWS Person(s) of the Week and enjoy the games everyone. Or don’t. Whatever. 

Matt Said, Jay Said... Dial 0 for the Operator and Hold

BREAKING NEWS!!

Due to a corporate takeover of an IWS Radio subsidiary, tomorrow’s IWS Radio Show has been postponed until January 26, 2014 at 8 PM ET.

We apologize for the incontinence inconvenience, and hope you will join Jay and Matt NEXT Sunday from 8-10 PM ET as they celebrate, 2014 Year in Review.

In the meantime, enjoy this folksy, Norman Rockwell-esque picture of the finger snapping, mentally challenged Kate Gosselin and two of her maternally challenged, yet adoring children…

See you on Blog Talk Radio next week, January 26th from 8-10 PM ET!! 

Jay's Imaginary Friend: The Brawl

Holaaaaaaaaaa! Look who just showed up out of nowhere? Yup, it’s my Imaginary Friend, "IF" …

IF: Hey, whatcha up to?
Jay: Oh crap. You again?
IF: I’ve missed you too.
Jay: I don’t think you have.
IF: Well I have whether you believe it or not.
Jay: Whatever. What are you doing here?
IF: I just wanted to see you and hang out with you.
Jay: Okay, you’ve seen me, now leave.
IF: WOW! You’ve gotten really mean lately.
Jay: Why do you always show up when I’m sick, in pain, haven’t slept or all three?
IF: I just have great timing, I guess.
Jay: I guess.
IF: Maybe I show up in times of stress because you need me?
Jay: I NEEEEEEEED for you to leave me alone.
IF: No you don’t.
Jay: Yes I do.
IF: Oooooo snappy comeback!
Jay: Fuck off.

IF: You have issues.
Jay: Doesn’t everybody?
IF: Yeah, but I think yours are worse than most.
Jay: Pffffft … I know some pretty fucked up people.
IF: Do they make you feel better about yourself?
Jay: Only for a little while.
IF: And then you become concerned for them?
Jay: Yup.
IF: Well, that’s a good thing. I mean, you’re a good person.
Jay: You’re an annoying person.
IF: Well, you’re not THAT good of a person.
Jay: But, you are very annoying.
IF: No I’m not. I’m your friend.
Jay: My asshole friend who won’t leave me alone?
IF: You need me around.
Jay: Wrong again!
IF: Have you ever considered moving?
Jay: I took a “Where Should You Live” quiz online today.
IF: What city did you get?
Jay: Portland
IF: The Strip Club Capital of America. What a shock!
Jay: They didn’t ask any strip club questions.
IF: Yet they got it right anyway. Weird.
Jay: I guess it was the “what’s your jam” question.
IF: What did you answer?
Jay: Shakira “Hips Don’t Lie.”

IF: HEY!
Jay: What?
IF: What’s that on your desk?
Jay: My desk has lots of stuff on it.
IF: I know, you’re a slob.
Jay: It’s pretty organized.
IF: Anyway, what’s that blue can?
Jay: *SIGH* Its’ a Pepsi.
IF: I’m so disappointed in you.
Jay: That doesn’t make you unique.
IF: I thought you gave it up.
Jay: I did. I proved I can do it.
IF: So now you’re drinking Pepsi again?
Jay: Not regularly.
IF: And what happened to walking every day?
Jay: What about it?
IF: Well, you were walking a lot. Did you walk today?
Jay: Yes I did!
IF: How far.
Jay: To the mailbox.
IF: That’s all?
Jay: AND BACK!
IF: That’s not much.
Jay: Well aren’t you judgmental?

IF: No, I’m concerned. 

Jay: But only for a little while. Then you feel better about yourself.
IF: Oh you’re so clever.
Jay: Sometimes.
IF: Not that often though.
Jay: I’m going punch you.
IF: Take your best shot. 

Jay: *Swings*

*SMACK*

IF: Ow! You hit me!
Jay: I told you I was going to.
IF: That’s fucked up.
Jay: You asked for it.
IF: Yeah well

*POW*

Jay: What the fuck was that?
IF: I hit you back!
Jay: That’s it I’m going to kick your ass.
IF: You’ll run out of breathe in two swings
Jay: It won’t take more than two.
IF: Oooooo you’re such a tough gu…

*BANG* *POW* *SMACK*

IF: *Nancy Kerrigan Voice* WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?
Jay: Shit. I’m sorry.
IF: No you’re not.
Jay: Well, I kind of am. No really, I am.
IF: I can’t believe you did that!

*POW* *KICK* *SLAP*

Jay: That was a cheap shot you fucker!

*AHHHHHHHKICKPUNCHELBOWKNEEBACKHANDSTOMPSCREAMINGCRYING*

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Postcards From the Middle of January

Cheers Chuckleheads.  You know what happens today at Noon?

At Noon today, we will be smack dab in the middle of the month of January.

Smack dab, I tell ya.  And you know what else I say unto you?

January sucks!!

You know how bad January sucks, at least here in Ohio?

If you took the self-denial and sexual repression of Marcus Bachmann, stirred in the hate of Ann Coulter, blended it with a modicum of Barack Obama’s lack of a backbone, and gave it just a hint of the smell of Chris Christie’s asshole, then?

You would know what the middle of January in Ohio is like.

As I said…It sucks.

If January was an animal, it would be a donkey.

A big, gray, uncaring donkey with big, cold, steely donkey balls.  And every time the wind blows, which is often in January, those big donkey balls would smack one upside the head leaving nothing but heartache upon one’s soul, and testicular indentations upon one’s face.

January loves no one.  January feels for no one.  January is a cold, selfish bitch, and I am glad we are now halfway done with her, because the bitch that is January, cannot die soon enough.

January is the desert of the four winter months.  A desert of a month that contains no oasis, and holds no hope.

See, as far as three of the four winter months…

December ushers in the winter , but also the joy of the holidays.  February gives us Super Bowl parties, the love of Valentine’s Day, and the teasing of the warmer March spring to follow in but a couple of weeks, and when we do hit March, St. Patrick’s Day gives a joyous shout out to all in the form green beer and red mercury on the rise.

January?  What the hell does January give us?

A hangover on New Year’s Day.  Over-Hyped College Bowl Games.  Snow. Wind. Gray Skies, and as an exclamation point atop its rudeness…

January provides us all with our W-2 Income Tax Form, which puts into print and to the dollar and decimal point, just how insignificant and worthless we truly are.

January is a reminder that no matter how bad things were the last eleven months, they can always get worse, and do…at least for the thirty-one days during which she has her way.

January is many things…a hateful ex-wife…an IRS auditor…Dan Dierdorf…and the lack of joy and excitement inside of  Mika Brzezinski’s bedroom, all rolled into one insufferable month, but?

We are now a mere two weeks away from February…

A month that holds not only great Super Bowl party food, Cupid, and the birthday of yours truly, but the hope that spring will once again spring eternally, and on schedule as well.

So, and in summation…January blows donkey dicks, and its donkey balls, but there is hope, and…

It is always better to believe in the light of February rather than curse the donkey balls that are January.

Or something like that…however one puts it…January Sucks.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
Matt’s Facebook Page