Sore Throats and Satire Do Not Mix

Cheeeeeeeeers and a Happy Thursday to you all, and you damn well better be happy. because for the next few days I shall be living vicariously through you!!

I have a sore throat.  A sore throat from Hell, and I mean it is literally a sore throat from Hell, because I hear that the Devil has Menorah-like hemorrhoids that burn for days upon end, and well…

I evidently have Satan’s, blood red ass cherries firmly lodged in my throat as they turn my uvula into what looks like a tiny, yet swollen red incandescent light bulb, and leaves my trachea feeling like the 4-Methylcyclohexane Methanol laced Kanawha River in West By God Virginia

Yep, that’s the state of my throat, and as many of us know, sore throats are among the most annoying non-life threatening afflictions with which we deal, because…

Sore throats while they last, are constant.  Sore throats are omnipresent.  An active sore throats mock us, because unlike having the flu when one just lies down and sleeps it away, the sore throat allows one to remain active.

I may be a bit tired, but I am still awake enough and able enough to go to work, and yet?  My throat is fucking killing me!!

And you know what I have discovered during this inflamed throat episode?

I never realized how often I swallow during the day, when not eating nor drinking.  Holy Cow, the average person evidently does a swallow reflex out of habit 10,000 times a day.  And?

And with each swallow, laugh, and/or cough, I cry…just a little…both inside and out.

And let me tell you.  It has affected my skills as a world-class satirist.  Oh Yeah.

See, because of the annoying and constant pain, I cannot focus on the humor at hand that our good God has given us the last couple of days, and let me tell ya…

There’s a Noah’s Ark full of funny out there that transpired just in the past 48 hours.

Justin Bieber for instance…He tried to pull a Richard Marx and act like a total 5’7” badass by driving drunk in a rented Lamborghini and got arrested for DUI and resisting arrest.  Resisting arrest?

How many resisting arrest jokes are there to be made involving Justin Bieber?  Thousands!!  And I cannot concentrate enough due to my sore throat in order to put them to pen.

How does a 5’7” Pixie-Stix of a Canadian resist a burly Miami police officer?  By threatening to sing to him? See?  While probably true, it’s not very funny.  Thanks, Mr. Sore Throat.

And then late yesterday, former Gov. Mike Huckabee told the audience at the RNC Winter Meeting that women have been led to believe (by Democrats) that they need an Uncle Sugar and free birth control pills because woman cannot control their own libido.

The fact of the matter is that The Huckster doesn’t want women to have any birth control because GAWD wants them barefoot and pregnant, because well, that’s God’s plan.  Just ask the incestuous daughters of Lot and their alcoholic father!!

See?  This Huckabee crap is primetime joke-ready funny, and what do I have? Not a damn thing, because I am distracted by Satan’s Hemorrhoids inside my throat.

You would think that if Satan put his ass berries in my throat he would give me something funny to say about God’s Chosen One, Mike Huckabee, but no…Satan wants to merely torture me like the next guy.

However, I can get this out before I gargle once again with salt water and Wild Irish Rose…

Governor Huckabee, if your daughter Sarah was dating Justin Bieber, wouldn’t you want her on the strongest form of birth control that your Tea Party, Christian Coalition, and Super Pac money could buy?

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
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Sleepy Time is a Scary Time

Hola y’all! Man, I have all kinds of issues in the bedroom. I’m talking about sleeping issues you pervs! Sheesh! Anyway, every night it’s a struggle to get to sleep and often times to stay asleep. I go through periods where it takes FOREVER to get to sleep, but then I sleep just fine. Then, I go through stretches where I got straight to sleep but wake up two hours later and can’t get back to sleep.

Lately though I’ve combined those two problems. It takes me a long time to finally get to sleep and then I wake up after a couple of hours and spend the rest of the night in that weird space in between sleep and awake. It’s like I’m dreaming that I’m lying there in bed trying to sleep listening to my radio, but I’m not dreaming, it’s real. Does that make any sense?

I’m thinking maybe I need to change up my routine. Each night at 10 pm I complain that Olbermann isn’t on ESP2 because some stupid sporting event went long. Then I turn it over to Conan and don’t laugh at whatever he’s doing. At 10:30 I turn on Arsenio Hall and spend thirty minutes wondering why his new show is so bland and boring. At 11 I check to see who is on Leno, Letterman and Kimmel while also seeing that the daily post on this blog has gone “Live” and then tweet the link to the masses.

If nobody cool is on Leno, Letterman or Kimmel (most nights) then I either watch C.O.P.S. for a bit while monitoring Twitter or just go on to bed. Once I’m in bed the war starts. My mind starts going a million miles an hour and I can’t seem to settle it down. I start out flat on my back, then when my back stops hurting, I roll over onto my right side until my back starts to hurt again. Then I roll over onto my left side until either my back hurts again or I feel like I’m about to fall asleep.

It’s very important for me make sure I’m NOT lying on my left side when I finally fall asleep. If I’m on my left side I will have crazy-ass dreams. Like the other night when I dreamed I was living in a trailer and was trying to go to sleep in a bed right up against a window in a small room. Just as I was about to fall asleep I saw these freaky hands pushing the window open. When I sat up and looked out the window I saw these people who looked like a cross between the Children of the Corn and Boo Radley.  *Shudder*

At least they were human-ish this time. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve dreamed about talking animals. I’m not talking about cool talking animals like Mr. Ed either y’all. I’m talking about snakes and other freaky animals that are saying some mean shit to me. They threaten me or tell me how much I suck and stuff like that. Never cool animals like dogs or giraffes either. It’s always a really crappy animal that talks shit to me. Weird, huh?

Of course none of this would be a problem if these dreams were sexy, but they almost never are. What’s up with that? Sure, I occasionally have a hot dream starring Helen Mirren or Susan Sarandon, but very rarely. Maybe the problem is that I’m sober? Shit, I didn’t even think about that. Hmm … I think I may have solved my problem.

Never mind y’all.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook.com/Jayman68
@Jayman_IWS

In other news "Food, Sex and Farm Animals" was an EPIC episode of IWS Radio! We took on the threat to our freedom that is the recommended serving sizes of most foods. Then we tried to call Campbell Soup and the FDA to get to the bottom of this with HILARIOUS results! Also, Brown Beasley called in and we got an AWESOME Canada Report from the lovely Jamie. You gotta check this one out!! 

New Comedy Internet Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

Ted Cruz is a Canadian, but His Citizenship Can be Bought

Greetings my American friends, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper here for I’m With Stupid.

I am humbly honored to have been permitted by Jay and Matt to use their mildly popular and nearly worldwide forum so that I may pontificate calmly comment upon an almost serious matter that slightly concerns both of our above average nations.

As I, like my fellow Canadians, am a polite and mild-mannered person, I have ambivalent emotions about publicly writing on what I am about to say, but…

As this is an issue of tepid importance, I feel that I must.  I mean, if that’s okay with you guys.  If it is not, please turn away now and perhaps click onto the gentle and heartfelt reflections of IWS’ very own Paul Piatt.

It seems that U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) was born within the confines of our neatly, yet not at all ostentatious borders to a Cuban father and American mother.  While some in our country would consider him to be of, dare I say, rascally lineage, Sen. Cruz while an American, does have the official status of being a Canadian citizen as well.

Now as many of you Americans know, Sen. Cruz has his Cuban/Canadian eyes on running for President in 2016, so Mr. Cruz has stated gleefully (which is an adjective that Canadians are unaccustomed to) that in order to show his oneness of patriotism to America, he would renounce his Canadian citizenship.

While to us Canadians, that could be taken as a gentle slap to our collective cheek, we as Canadians, are all about and accepting of, individuality and the personal space and thoughts of others.

So, out of respect for Sen. Ted Cruz, his selfish ambitions, and his dislike for Canada, he is free to come to Canada, or any Canadian embassy, fill out the legal citizenship renunciation form, and pay the $100 fee.

However…

While we Canadians don’t like to rock the boat nor curry favors from others...in this case?  I am going to have to put some caveats on his renunciation prior to it going forward.

You see?

The Democrats in America know that Cruz has two, maybe three citizenships, and because of that, even the most tannin of tea partiers will not vote for him in the primaries.  However, Democrats would like nothing more than to see an unelectable Ted Cruz get the Republican nomination in 2016.

If the Democrats and the Obama administration want us to allow him to renounce his citizenship so that it bolsters his bona fides among Republican primary voters, we want a little sumpin sumpin in return before allowing him to step foot into our country or into one of our embassies in order to fill out the legal and requisite paperwork.

Here are but a few items that we are demanding, and they must be done by September 1…

In any and all official U.S. government documents we want to be referred to as, Exciting and Exotic Canada.

Just for Canadians, we want you to devalue your currency so that more Canadians are able to visit your strip clubs, steal your license plates, and pee on your front lawns.

We want an airtight dome installed over Detroit so that our citizens in Windsor don’t have to suffer from the stench and the heartache emanating from the Motorless City.

We will, by Parliamentary voice vote, revoke the Canadian citizenship of Justin Bieber, and grant him American citizenship, and you must honor it.

Your Congress will by proclamation in perpetuity, make September 1st, National When Canada Influenced the United States and Made Ted Cruz Its Bitch Day.

On American FM radio stations between 6 and 9 PM on Fridays, only songs by Rush and Triumph are allowed to be played.

That motherfuckin’ Ted Cruz is a crazy insane bastard, but to me and my fellow Canadians, he’s gold.

So let’s see some bling, America…The curling stone of renunciation is on your ice.

Sincerely,

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
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