GOP Convention 2016...Cleveland, Ohio!! Really?

Cheeeeeeeeeers Chuckleheads and it is good to be back writing upon the God-Graced pages of iwsradio.com…

As you know or may not know, Jayman and I took a few days off, and if you didn't know, that means you should follow us regularly and then you would know…ahem…Anyhoo…

Jayman wrote upon our award-winning website yesterday after our blog vacation of sorts, and I am doing so today.

I was going to cover what I did on my summer vacation, but when I heard that the RNC selected Cleveland, Ohio as the site for its 2016 GOP Presidential Convention, I along with Dr. Phil, was stupefied!!

My first thought, was that Republicans want to hold their Presidential candidate’s send-off within a city that has been shrinking in size for years and simply meanders and sprawls with no direction nor effectiveness.

However, I said to myself…“Self?…There has to be some type of mastery behind this choice.”  And I think I know what it is, and it is two words…

Silent Cal.

You see, recently the Republican Party, especially the tea party wing of the GOP, has become enamored with Calvin Coolidge.  He was a hands-off, free market kinda guy, who unwittingly lead America through some good times after Warren Harding had fucked a nation…And by fucked a nation?

I’m not talking about Harding’s role in the Teapot Dome Scandal; I am saying that Harding had sex with every damn woman in America.  Impressive…but not helpful.  Anyhoo…

Calvin Coolidge was the one who said, “the chief business of the American people is business.” Republicans admire him for that, and recently, a president who had been obscure for the most part, has become the idol and darling of the far right portion of the GOP.

Why do I mention Calvin Coolidge when after all, I began this post about the pick of Cleveland being the city to hold the 2016 GOP Republican Convention?

Because in 1924, the Republican party hosted their convention in Cleveland, Ohio.  Calvin Coolidge was its nominee.  And I’m telling you, the GOP in Cleveland in 2016 is going to be all over Calvin Coolidge like Warren Harding was all over Carrie Phillips.

I only hope that the GOP delegates take a grand tour of Cleveland while they are there…Perhaps Ted Cruz and John Cornyn could take a stroll down U.S. 42 West, and hear the colored girls go,"do-doo-doo do-dah do."

Maybe Lindsey Graham could get and give a big bear hug from and to Chief Wahoo.

And dammit….perhaps John McCain could sing “Keep On Rockin’ In The Free World” at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

The Tea Party wing of the GOP holds sway and I think that that is why the GOP picked Cleveland. They are going to harken back to the days of Calvin Coolidge.  But remember GOP, Ol’ Silent Cal also said this…

“Of course, the accumulation of wealth cannot be justified as the chief end of existence…But we are compelled to recognize it as a means to well-nigh every desirable achievement. So long as wealth is made the means and not the end, we need not greatly fear it…”

Money is good, but it should not be our existence, and it should be used to achieve greatness.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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Eric Cantor's Wurst Nightmare...He Lost To A Brat

Cheers and a Happy Hump Day to you all, well, all of you aside from Eric Cantor.

It’s seems that Majority Leader Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA) was defeated in his bid to remain the representative of Virginia’s 7th House District during yesterday’s GOP primary.

Unfortunately for Cantor, his lifetime American Conservative Union rating of 96% was not enough to withstand the true conservatism of one tea party candidate and college professor, Dave Brat.

Hell…as recently as March, the uber conservative Concerned Women for America gave Mr. Cantor a 100% rating, but well…

If one can give a 100%, one should be able to give 110%…or something.

And well, perhaps Eric Cantor didn't do that, perhaps he should have stated at some point, that in addition to people being legally kept from having an abortion, they should be forced into government run procreation…If your are white…And Christian…Because well…

Mexican immigrants and browned-skinned folk are out-producing us white folk on the baby making front. Anyhoo…

Eric Cantor, that mad about, glad about, way wacky son of the House of Representatives has been tossed from office because he was a libertarian and liberal mouthpiece who hated abortion, tax increases, and the defense of Israel.

The former Majority Leader was nothing more than a wannabe Jew…who was, and is Jewish…and well, the tea party likes Israel, but they hate Jews.  And people with a 96% conservative voting record evidently.

Have you ever heard Cantor speak?  While I do not agree with him, he is cogent.  He is thoughtful.  He speaks as to what he sees for this country.  And Dave Brat?  Well?

He doesn't really speak at all.

He cancels appearances due to his rigorous academic schedule at Randolph-Macon, and well in the meantime bashes Cantor for trying to come up with some type of immigration reform.

I tell you what, I am on the side of Brat on this one, because, if we try to control immigration, all hell is going to break loose when our lawns don’t get mowed on a timely basis.  Seriously?

The tea party wing of the GOP has lost its mind….Just like the Ed Schultz, Rachel Maddow wing of the Democrat party has lost its mind.

Our nation needs a makeover, not a takeover, and our nation needs responsible leadership, not a revolution led by morons who feel that Eric Cantor is too liberal.

If you are a Conservative who feels that Eric Cantor is too liberal for your liking, well…

Never mind…you probably aren't reading this.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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IWS Person of the Week...Mike Huckabee !!

Greetings, Cheers, and Hola from IWS Radio...It's Sunday, so it's time for our IWS Person of the Week!!

This week, we honor a man who is true to his morals, his belief in GAWD, and his belief that if he can be a human chameleon, he can be elected in President of the United States in 2016.

Our Person of the Week is Arkansas' Second Favorite Son, behind Jayman of course, and just above that rapist and horrible President, Bill Clinton...

Former Arkansas Governor, and Human Libido Meter, Mike Huckabee!!

Everyone likes Mike, because he is a man of God, who has a rapier wit and a charm offensive that could melt the cold Teutonic heart of German Chancellor Angela Merkel...

But don't let his folksy charm fool you...He has an adorable aura about him that is quite sexy and intoxicating, even among both tea partiers and teetotalers!!  And yes ladies, his "sermon" is THIS long...

But don't get on his wrong side when it comes to issues of morality, such as women wanting unfettered access to birth control, because this hayseed is both the Starsky AND Hutch of Birth Control Police...

And let it be known, you freakish gay men and women out there, don't even think about getting married. The Huckster has the Lord's ear, and he will wipe you off the planet and wipe clean the supernatural tears of Jesus Christ from his holy face...

Mike Huckabee's tweet upon the SCOTUS ruling took extreme courage on his part, especially because his wife Janet, is a man..

.

Thank you for being you, Governor Huckabee...you put the unwanted pregnancy, two people in love crap aside, and say to all of America...

"Better to curse the sin that is Birth Control, than have a baby that you never intended, and give it up for adoption...unless it is to a gay couple, because, well...the kid will turn out gay."

Gov. Mike Huckabee..The IWS Person of the Week!!

And...Don't forget kids!!  Tonight LIVE from 8-10 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio...Jay and Matt are bidding a fond farewell to the Year 2014.

It's been a great year and we will review it thus far.

To listen LIVE Click HERE!!  

Sore Throats and Satire Do Not Mix

Cheeeeeeeeers and a Happy Thursday to you all, and you damn well better be happy. because for the next few days I shall be living vicariously through you!!

I have a sore throat.  A sore throat from Hell, and I mean it is literally a sore throat from Hell, because I hear that the Devil has Menorah-like hemorrhoids that burn for days upon end, and well…

I evidently have Satan’s, blood red ass cherries firmly lodged in my throat as they turn my uvula into what looks like a tiny, yet swollen red incandescent light bulb, and leaves my trachea feeling like the 4-Methylcyclohexane Methanol laced Kanawha River in West By God Virginia

Yep, that’s the state of my throat, and as many of us know, sore throats are among the most annoying non-life threatening afflictions with which we deal, because…

Sore throats while they last, are constant.  Sore throats are omnipresent.  An active sore throats mock us, because unlike having the flu when one just lies down and sleeps it away, the sore throat allows one to remain active.

I may be a bit tired, but I am still awake enough and able enough to go to work, and yet?  My throat is fucking killing me!!

And you know what I have discovered during this inflamed throat episode?

I never realized how often I swallow during the day, when not eating nor drinking.  Holy Cow, the average person evidently does a swallow reflex out of habit 10,000 times a day.  And?

And with each swallow, laugh, and/or cough, I cry…just a little…both inside and out.

And let me tell you.  It has affected my skills as a world-class satirist.  Oh Yeah.

See, because of the annoying and constant pain, I cannot focus on the humor at hand that our good God has given us the last couple of days, and let me tell ya…

There’s a Noah’s Ark full of funny out there that transpired just in the past 48 hours.

Justin Bieber for instance…He tried to pull a Richard Marx and act like a total 5’7” badass by driving drunk in a rented Lamborghini and got arrested for DUI and resisting arrest.  Resisting arrest?

How many resisting arrest jokes are there to be made involving Justin Bieber?  Thousands!!  And I cannot concentrate enough due to my sore throat in order to put them to pen.

How does a 5’7” Pixie-Stix of a Canadian resist a burly Miami police officer?  By threatening to sing to him? See?  While probably true, it’s not very funny.  Thanks, Mr. Sore Throat.

And then late yesterday, former Gov. Mike Huckabee told the audience at the RNC Winter Meeting that women have been led to believe (by Democrats) that they need an Uncle Sugar and free birth control pills because woman cannot control their own libido.

The fact of the matter is that The Huckster doesn’t want women to have any birth control because GAWD wants them barefoot and pregnant, because well, that’s God’s plan.  Just ask the incestuous daughters of Lot and their alcoholic father!!

See?  This Huckabee crap is primetime joke-ready funny, and what do I have? Not a damn thing, because I am distracted by Satan’s Hemorrhoids inside my throat.

You would think that if Satan put his ass berries in my throat he would give me something funny to say about God’s Chosen One, Mike Huckabee, but no…Satan wants to merely torture me like the next guy.

However, I can get this out before I gargle once again with salt water and Wild Irish Rose…

Governor Huckabee, if your daughter Sarah was dating Justin Bieber, wouldn’t you want her on the strongest form of birth control that your Tea Party, Christian Coalition, and Super Pac money could buy?

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
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Hump Day Hodgepodge

Cheeeeeeeers and Happy Hump Day Chuckleheads!!

A whole lotta nothing exciting going on around here, or is there?

Let’s find out, by just letting the personal headlines from my head ooze out onto the always artful pages of the IWS website.

Dateline…Commonwealth of Virginia…Headline reads…

Terry “I’m a Carpet Bagging Car Salesman” McAuliffe defeats Ken “Transvaginal Ultrasound” Cuccinelli to win the title of, Slightly Less Creepy of the Two Old Dominion Gubernatorial Candidates.

Dateline…Bagwine, Ohio Apartment 102...New Furnace Installed, Schmoop Gets Hot Just Looking at It.

The always cold IWS Radio bit player Schmoop, shone a rare smile today when she eyed a new Goodman furnace nestled snugly within the IWS Bagwine Studio.  Isn't it pretty?

Upon final installation of said furnace, she chirped…

“Sweet!!  Now I can quit using Matt-Man as a blanket, send him back to his couch, and get eight hours of quality, undisturbed sleep every night.  Praise Jeebus!!”

Sometimes when Schmoop speaks extemporaneously and I am within ear shot, it is quite hurtful, but…I sally forth, and hide my hurt and bitterness from her.  I only cry when she goes to work, or when I am at work, or…when she rests with a smile upon her face while I TYPE IN ANGER!!

Kidding, of course…sorta.

Anyhoo…

When I read my timeline on Twitter…I almost always say to myself, “America certainly does get the government she deserves.”

The tweets from the right and the left are enough to propel Hitler, Hindenburg, Stalin, and Trotsky to get along, and all the while asking each other…

“Let’s see if Roosevelt and Churchill would like to come over for drinks and a wicked game of charades.”

If America, any country, or the fragile sanity of the world is to survive, we all need to let go of this, “You’re either with me or against me” bullshit.

You know what’s funny?

Outraged TRUE conservatives like Sean Hannity and his tea bagging partiers want reform, and yet…

They cling like Socialists to the political meal ticket of the GOP.  They claim that they want reform, but don’t have the guts nor the electability to do it on their own, so?

They whine about their own party, which of course, they do “in no way belong”…

What?  Fucking pussies.

Left wing Democrats?  They are euphoric.  In spite of themselves and a President who couldn’t lead a baloney sandwich and a bag of pretzels from its paper bag into the mouth of a hungry, lunch-time sixth grader, celebrate the victory of last night’s elections.

What a joke.

Nobody cares about governing.  Nobody cares.  Left, Right, Conservative, or Liberal.  Nobody cares about you or I. Or about Peter, about Paul, about Shirley.  Ha!!

You thought I was going to say Mary, didn’t you?

Eh…Politicians just want to get re-elected, and folks like Hannity, Maddow, and others, just want to get ratings.

Many Americans want to be part of a winning team.  Whether it be a football team, a Baseball team, or sadly, a political party.

They want to win.  Unfortunately, while electioneering is a game of skill and chance, governing is not, and that is where Americans blow it.  A 51% to 49% vote total is not a win if the man or woman that we elected has no idea how to govern.

And lastly…

A shout-out to Jayman and his family, as oft time mentioned Nana Creta passed away yesterday afternoon at the age of 95.  I often made jokes about her longevity, and feel a missing of her already.

I dig anyone who can transcend the averages like she did, and am saddend by her passing.  So…

Pass your heart felt sympathies on to Jayman and his family today, if you would.  I am sure he would appreciate it.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

Mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
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Ted Cruz is a Canadian, but His Citizenship Can be Bought

Greetings my American friends, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper here for I’m With Stupid.

I am humbly honored to have been permitted by Jay and Matt to use their mildly popular and nearly worldwide forum so that I may pontificate calmly comment upon an almost serious matter that slightly concerns both of our above average nations.

As I, like my fellow Canadians, am a polite and mild-mannered person, I have ambivalent emotions about publicly writing on what I am about to say, but…

As this is an issue of tepid importance, I feel that I must.  I mean, if that’s okay with you guys.  If it is not, please turn away now and perhaps click onto the gentle and heartfelt reflections of IWS’ very own Paul Piatt.

It seems that U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) was born within the confines of our neatly, yet not at all ostentatious borders to a Cuban father and American mother.  While some in our country would consider him to be of, dare I say, rascally lineage, Sen. Cruz while an American, does have the official status of being a Canadian citizen as well.

Now as many of you Americans know, Sen. Cruz has his Cuban/Canadian eyes on running for President in 2016, so Mr. Cruz has stated gleefully (which is an adjective that Canadians are unaccustomed to) that in order to show his oneness of patriotism to America, he would renounce his Canadian citizenship.

While to us Canadians, that could be taken as a gentle slap to our collective cheek, we as Canadians, are all about and accepting of, individuality and the personal space and thoughts of others.

So, out of respect for Sen. Ted Cruz, his selfish ambitions, and his dislike for Canada, he is free to come to Canada, or any Canadian embassy, fill out the legal citizenship renunciation form, and pay the $100 fee.

However…

While we Canadians don’t like to rock the boat nor curry favors from others...in this case?  I am going to have to put some caveats on his renunciation prior to it going forward.

You see?

The Democrats in America know that Cruz has two, maybe three citizenships, and because of that, even the most tannin of tea partiers will not vote for him in the primaries.  However, Democrats would like nothing more than to see an unelectable Ted Cruz get the Republican nomination in 2016.

If the Democrats and the Obama administration want us to allow him to renounce his citizenship so that it bolsters his bona fides among Republican primary voters, we want a little sumpin sumpin in return before allowing him to step foot into our country or into one of our embassies in order to fill out the legal and requisite paperwork.

Here are but a few items that we are demanding, and they must be done by September 1…

In any and all official U.S. government documents we want to be referred to as, Exciting and Exotic Canada.

Just for Canadians, we want you to devalue your currency so that more Canadians are able to visit your strip clubs, steal your license plates, and pee on your front lawns.

We want an airtight dome installed over Detroit so that our citizens in Windsor don’t have to suffer from the stench and the heartache emanating from the Motorless City.

We will, by Parliamentary voice vote, revoke the Canadian citizenship of Justin Bieber, and grant him American citizenship, and you must honor it.

Your Congress will by proclamation in perpetuity, make September 1st, National When Canada Influenced the United States and Made Ted Cruz Its Bitch Day.

On American FM radio stations between 6 and 9 PM on Fridays, only songs by Rush and Triumph are allowed to be played.

That motherfuckin’ Ted Cruz is a crazy insane bastard, but to me and my fellow Canadians, he’s gold.

So let’s see some bling, America…The curling stone of renunciation is on your ice.

Sincerely,

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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