FromYouFlowers.Com...Your Customer Service Is Wilting

Happy Friday and I hope all of you will have a wonderful weekend and have had a most happy time during this post-Valentine’s Day week.

I know…again with Valentine’s Day?  I know…It’s passed…it’s gone…it was sooooo LAST week, you say.

Well…not for a very close friend of the IWS Radio Show.

Our friend Angie, purchased a guaranteed Valentine’s Day delivery of flowers that looked something like this from fromyouflowers.com for her wife…

Well…Angie’s wife didn't get them on Valentine’s Day because there were “issues”…Meaning, fromyouflowers.com screwed up, but….we will never know what those issues were.

Perhaps, it was incompetence, but who am I to judge or speculate?

Here’s the thing…when the flowers that Angie did order arrived on Monday the 17th, they looked like this…

Appalled as Angie should be, she contacted fromyouflowers.com and rightfully demanded reciprocity for the late, skanky-ass looking dead flowers that her spouse received on Valentine’s Day, three days late no less.

Well here is what Angie’s wife received from fromyouflowers.com as an acceptable replacement for what Angie purchased for $50 and arrived late…

Seriously?

Why not send Angie and her wife a bucket full of milkweed and call it even?

Sad.

If fromyouflowers.com has any respectability and a sense of corporate responsibility, they will send Angie and her wife something like this…

AND…they will send them a coupon for a free dinner at a nice restaurant in their area.

I mean c’mon…they spoiled Valentine’s Day for Angie and Macey, so do the right thing and make it up to them.

If fromyouflowers.com is truly in the love and happiness business, they will make this happen for one of the cutest couples I have ever known, and they can get a hold of me in order to do so, and I will supply their information.

And if they don’t?  There is going to be hell to pay this Sunday on the IWS Radio Show!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

IWS Person of the Week...Cupid !!

Valentine's Day is but a mere five days away, so all you men and women need to go buy something special for that special someone in your life, lest ye suffer the slings and arrows of a pissed off, shallow, yet significant other come February 14th.

And speaking of arrows...

There is no more famous representative nor icon of Valentine's Day than the arrow d'amour shootin' boy-god than Cupid, who is of course, our IWS Person of the Week...

Cupid was a boy god who really loved his hot mom Venus, and she taught him the ways of love...

As he grew older, he would sit for hours and think about what he should do with his knowledge of love...

He decided that it would be best for all if he spread the love he had...

For years, he wore the reputation as a purveyor of true love, and was viewed by all as an adorable figure...

And then?  Greeting Card companies, confectioners, jewelers, and flower shops everywhere, turned his mission of love into a man-hating, wallet-draining holiday, and some began to turn on poor Cupid, and give him a dose of his own archery...

But this story does have a happy ending...

After getting out of the love business, Cupid changed his name to Michael Stipe, began a music career, and founded the band REM...

The rest is rock 'n' roll history.

So here's to Cupid aka Michael Stipe; today's IWS Person of the Week.

And for more on Cupid, love, and all things Valentine's Day related, check out Jay and Matt tonight LIVE from 8-10 PM EST on Blog Talk Radio as IWS Radio presents, It's as Hot as an Oven in the Love Shack.

To listen LIVE tonight and join in on the fun and frivolity of IWS Radio, click HERE!!

This Winter Is Messin' With My Mind!!

Cheeeeeeers Chuckleheads, and a Happy Hump Day to you all.

Y’know?  This winter is messing with my mind, my innate good-nature, and my body.  This winter is a wicked pissah!!

The previous two winters, at least here in Bagwine, Ohio, have been very above average…not so cold, not a lot of snow, but this winter?

The winter of 2013-14 has brought the “average” Ohio winter back to its average by being really nasty and really hurtful.

We have suffered through wind chill driven temps to 40 below.  It’s snows nearly every day.  It’s gray, gloomy, and menacing 85% of each and every week.

Listen to me, I am a guy who enjoys a bit of snow, a bit of booger-freezing temps, and some chaotic slip-sliding away traffic highlights on the news, but damn…

This winter, in a word…Sucks.

I hate this winter, mainly because, while I enjoy being a realist and having some self-control, and a “whatever will be, will be” attitude about all things uncontrollable…

I wish I could control Mother Nature enough that I could stick an ice pick crafted by Mother Nature’s very own uncaring hand, and ram it through her cold, callous, and unforgiving frozen heart…several times over.

Ma Nature, needs to die.  And even if I have to have a sex-change operation to make it realistic, I have no qualms about being the axe-wielding Lizzie Borden who strikes her down.

Hell…Even the days run together.  I never know what day it is, and neither does my boss.  When I get to work he will ask me…“What the hell day is it?”

I nearly always reply with the correct answer, but for winter-driven self-assurance, I add a question mark to my reply…

“Wednesday?”

Oh dear GAWD…this winter cannot end soon enough.  As I type this, we are getting hammered yet again by the dastardly douche bag that is Mother Nature, and the snow is falling like the anti-manna from the sky.

Am I bitter?

You’re Goddamn right I am.

The last two months have yielded nothing other than a ghastly, ice cold furnace that blows out nothing more than frozen confetti from the sky, and sub-zero heartache upon my soul…and more importantly, upon my nether regions.

And you know what?

I want my nether regions to be able to cooperate with my libido for at least a couple of more years.  I’m not asking for much.

I just want an average winter, which complies with the length of my manhood and with my average libido.

See?

During the winter season, I always tell Schmoop, that for every inch of snow we get, you will get an inch of Matt-Man

Well folks, we've had like 36 inches of snow this winter, which means one thing...

Yours truly has had to have sex with Schmoop 10 12 18 times the past two months!!

Thanks a lot Mother Nature; your demands are set way too high...and I hate you!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Making Love Out of Nothing at All

Cheeeeeeeeeers and a Happy Post-Super Bowl Monday to you all!!

I bet many of you who are reading this, have a hangover, which is good, because this post only gets worse from here, and so will your hangover!!

And you know what?  I find that fucking funny.

Seriously…

Of late, the Monday IWS Radio website post has revolved around a recap of the Sunday IWS radio show broadcast, which of course, we didn't do yesterday because most Americans were watching the Super Bowl.

So…

I have to think of something else to write about.  Which of course, isn't fair, hmmmmmmm?

Y’know?

I should still be allowed to write about last night’s IWS Radio show…even though we didn't have one, because…

I bet if we had broadcast a show last night, it would have been awesome!!

Jay would have opined; I would have pontificated, and the audience would have laugh until they stopped.

But alas…

We didn't do a show on which to report, so instead…

I am left here to type in a manner that merely gets the word count of this essay up to a level which makes it appear as though I put some real thought and effort into this post.

And in fact, not including the sentence that you are currently reading, I am up to 203 words, which proves something that I have known all along…

I can say nothing as well as anyone…or is it anybody?  Those two words have always confused me. Anyhoo…

Jayman and I will be doing a show this coming Sunday, February 9th as we celebrate Valentine’s Day, and how it’s a fucking bullshit holiday that revolves around women demanding a price tag on their love, and if it is not met?

Their significant other is a dead man.

Yeah…Valentine’s Day is full of love. Full of men getting kicked in the emotional junk and left needing a Viagra just in order to get it up enough to not pee all over their own feet.

I remember buying flowers for my wife one Valentine’s Day…They were elegant, well crafted, and the most beautiful shade of red I had ever seen.

Unfortunately…

I found out post roso facto, that that year she was in to yellow roses, and evidently my red roses were a big “fuck you” to her yellow rose fascination, of which, I knew nothing about.

That was years ago, but yeah, you guessed it…she’s still a cunt.

Anyway, as I really have nothing to say tonight, I’ll just end it here, and invite you all to listen to Jayman and I next Sunday from 8-10 PM ET…

We will have a hilarious, heart-felt Valentine’s Day themed show, which may or may not include midgets with big hearts, along with huge assed wives who have no souls.

Until then…

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS
My Facebook Page 

Matt Said, Jay Said...XLVIII

Matt kicks off.  Jay runs it back.  You throw a flag for delay of the IWS Radio Show.

Matt: Hellroooooooo?
Jay:  Glad you finally realized that today is Show Prep Day.
Matt:  Well with Schmoop here everyday, I never know what day it is.
Jay:  Yeah…When she was working, and was home during the day, you knew it was Saturday or Sunday.
Matt:  I know, right?  And now?  I am completely lost, day of the week wise.
Jay:  Man…it’s hard being you.
Matt:  Pffffffffffft.  Don’t I know it.

Jay:  So, I guess we should not do a show this Sunday since it’s Super Bowl Sunday.
Matt:  Yeah…It’s a shame, but for some reason the Super Bowl is more interesting than our comedy.
Jay:  I don’t get that.
Matt:  Me neither.
Jay and Matt:  Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm?
Matt and Jay:  Plus, it would be nice to be able to watch the big game ourselves.  Hey-Ooooooooooooo!!

Jay:  Super Bowl Sunday is a good time…a few drinks…
Matt:  Some salty snacks…
Jay:  America coming together for four quarters…
Matt:  The dulled excitement of Joe Buck calling the game…
Jay:  If only Troy Aikman would feign a post-concussion seizure and deck that idiot.  That would be awesome!!
Matt:  Joe Buck’s neutrality as a human being, needs to be punched.
Jay:  Word.

Matt:  On the upside, Pam Oliver will be on the sidelines.  Mmmmmmmmm, Pam.
Jay:  Oh Hell Yeah…So will Erin Andrews; I hope the angry black man doesn’t frighten her again!!
Matt:  If he does, Sean Hannity will be all up in his ass.
Jay:  Ha…Sean Hannity couldn’t kick Erin Andrews’ ass, let alone Richard Sherman’s.
Matt:  Ha.  Word.

Jay:  So no show this Sunday, but we will be back February 9th.
Matt:  Damn straight, and it will be our Valentine’s Day Show.
Jay:  The Day of Heartache for female office workers who get one-upped by their female co-workers.
Matt:  It’s so sad when a chick feels less loved than her next-door cubicle buddy.
Jay:  It’s a fucking shame.
Matt and Jay:  Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!

Matt:  Alright then…We’ll take this Sunday off during Super Bowl XLVIII, and come back February 9th.
Jay:  Sounds like a good plan.
Matt:  Enjoy your snacks and all of the gridiron action.
Jay:  You do the same, and pray for a costume malfunction involving Pam Oliver.
Matt:  I always do.

Jay and Matt:  Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!
   

Valentine's Day 2014, Best and Worst Gift Ideas

Cheeeeeeeers Bitches and a Happy Tuesday to you all.

Not only is today Tuesday, it is January 14th which means not only is it, Dress Up Your Pet Day for those of you who are so inclined to embarrass your pet by dressing him or her up, but…

January 14th is also, One Month Before the Day You Either Get Hot Sex or Smacked in the Face by Your Wife/Girlfriend/Mistress on Valentine’s Day Day.

That’s right guys, you have thirty days to prepare for the onslaught of sneers, jeers, or cheers that you receive from the woman in your life and her femme friends. So, I am here to make certain that you will hear nothing but cheers.

Oh, and you ladies who have been directed to this blog entry?  Disregard it, because well, as well all know, you do nothing on Valentine’s Day other than bitch about what you didn’t get from that special man in your life, so…

To wit and heretofore, are my best and worst gift ideas for the guys to buy for Valentine’s Day 2014...

Yesterday, I mentioned flowers in a Facebook comment of mine, women seem to dig flowers.  Terrible idea.

Flowers are temporary, die quickly, and with their death, so does your relationship.  If you want to give a woman something that temporarily fills them up, yet leaves them satisfied, send them a grilled ham ‘n’ cheese sandwich and some fries.  And?

Knowing my buddy Jayman as I do, he would say…

“And don’t go on the cheap, send them a fresh, crisp pickle spear along with it!!”

Some guys are goaded feel like because they are pussy whipped they have to want to go big time into buying overpriced jewelry for Valentine’s Day…Don’t…Do…It!! Bad gift idea.

When a guy buys his honey fancy jewelry, she will at first go nutsy Fagan all over it, but then she will pause, and think…

“That lying bastard must be cheating on me in order to buy me something this fancy.”

If you do want to buy your lady something shiny to wear, buy her a pair of steely, sparkling handcuffs.

Along with the cuffs, you could give her a sweet card that reads…

“You have made my heart your prisoner, and now, will you please be mine?”  See?  That’s HOT!!

And if she doesn’t like them, you can always give them to your mistress, which was your final intention and hope anyway.

Speaking of mistresses…If you have a wife and a mistress, be a good guy and gift give equally.  You don’t want to hurt the feelings of either of them, so…

Give them the same gift.

Buy each of them a ticket for a seven day Caribbean cruise so while both are asea, you can pick up a new girlfriend in addition to your mistress and wife, thereby completing the hat trick, Holy Trinity, and batting for the cycle of lewd behavior.

Just make sure the tickets for the wife and mistress are for different cruises. You wouldn't want your wife and mistress to spontaneously meet, talk nonchalantly, and during their friendly discourse, discover that you were the one who bought both tickets.

And?  If all of this advice is too much to digest and seems too complicated for you guys out there, do what my BFF Schmoop and I do on Valentine’s Day.

Order a pizza, drink some beer, peruse Facebook, and laugh at all of the posts reflecting the joy and sadness of which ladies got the bonanza, and which ladies got the heartache.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page