Wild Irish Rose and NFL Football...Score!!

Tonight is the kickoff to the 2014 NFL season, and I’ll be watching the titanic struggle between the Green Bay Packers and the Seattle Seahawks along with millions of other Americans, however…

Unlike most other Americans, I’ll be watching the game with my best friend, Wild Irish Rose.  Those who know me, know that I love my Rose, but most do not know of the other talents that Wild Irish Rose brings to the table in addition to being a top quality wine.

You see…

Not only does this elixir provide the palate with a tsunami of enjoyment during a football game, it has a myriad of uses around the house, and for your everyday life as well.  Allow to ‘splain…

Has Grandma’s good silverware, much like Grandma herself, grown dull and dirty from one too many Thanksgiving dinners? No problem, simply fill a bowl with Rose and start utensil dippin’. In just seconds the Rose turns the grime to shine. If you have enough WIR and a bathtub, you could even give Grandma a good Rose dippin’!!  She'll look and feel ten years younger in no time.

Painful itching and burning? Soak a wad of toilet paper with Rose and secure the mass inside of that private place and voila, Preparation R. The pain is gone and you don’t have to worry about the pimple faced kid at the check-out counter asking for a price check on hemorrhoid cream over the Walgreen’s intercom.

Are you strapped for cash and your credit card debt has become unmanageable? A big insurance claim can put you back on the road to financial freedom. Nothing says “payday” like your house going up in flames. Wild Irish Rose makes a great fire accelerant. Best of all, it evaporates without a trace.

You are getting older and are becoming self-conscious of unsightly liver spots. Have no fear. Apply Rose topically to the affected areas and within seconds the festering patches are gone. WIR also works well as a facial dermabrasion.

Warning: Unless you want your cheekbones to pop through the skin, do not leave on for more than four minutes.

Hey guys, is your partner whining about how “quick” you are in bed, and calling you names like “Premature Jack”?

A few glasses of Rose will numb your rascal lickity-split, allowing you to work it all night. And don’t worry about an accidental fertilization because although your boys may want to go for a swim, the Rose is cleaning the pool.

Lastly, a little something for the ladies. Gals are you longing for that all-day fresh feeling? A splash or two of Rose on the sweet spot will make you feel like you’re dancing in the Alps.

You will feel, smell, and yes, even taste great, long into the night.

So folks, there you have it…a few tips from the Matt-Man. As you can see, just like the Matt-Man, Rose is multi-faceted.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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(Ed. Note:  Please be advised that the Matt-Man is NOT a medical doctor, a chemist, or an arsonist; he does, however, suffer from painful hemorrhoidal itch. None of his claims have been reviewed nor approved by the FDA, the FTC, or the Department of Homeland Security.)

Super Bowl Forty-Eight Extravaganza

Hola Sports Fans! We are only a few days away from one of the greatest sports spectacles in the world, Super Bowl XLVIII! At 6:30 (ish) pm ET on Sunday, the Seattle Seahawks and Denver Broncos will do battle in front of hundreds of millions of people all over the world. Only a handful of those people will actually give a damn who wins, but it will be fun anyway.

The NFL continues to be far more marketing style over actual football substance. The product on field rarely even comes close to the hype, although this match up does look like a great one. Despite the fact that NFL ratings continue to go up, up and away, the league is not without its problems. Chief among those problems is how much more dangerous the game is today and how much more we know about those dangers, especially to the brain. While the ratings go up, more and more parents are questioning whether they will allow their sons to play football.

There is also the problem of the game becoming increasingly too expensive for people to attend. Tickets aren’t cheap, parking is an outrage and if you want a hot dog or beer from the concession stand you’ll need to take out a small loan. Combine that with the fact that watching the game form home on your own large HDTV is soooooo much more comfortable and it’s easy to see a real attendance problem developing in the near future for the NFL. This is especially true as the phrase “in this economy” stretches into its sixth year of being a legitimate excuse not to spend money on “luxuries.” And of course, this is where the NFL’s idiotic blackout policy drives people to watch games via illegal online streaming.

And let’s not forget that every season we are subjected to the most moronic “analysis” from all the brilliant football pundits out there. The same pundits who marvel at the “athleticism and football instincts” of black players while extolling the “high work ethic and intellectual approach to football” of white players. According to them, this is still a game where black QBs like possible first round draft pick Teddy Bridgewater of Louisville is hilariously labeled as a “running QB” while so-called experts marvel at the fact that Indy’s white QB Andrew Luck “is so big and can run so well.”

Oh and let’s not forget about HGH and the fact that the NFL is probably going to have to find a way to deal with it that allows players to use it when injured to help in their recovery. They do anyway, so why not make it so that it could be monitored and less dangerous? Same goes for medical marijuana. Come on, WE ALL KNOW IT’S GONNA HAPPEN!

Over the top marketing and commercialism, classism, racism, violence and ignoring problems until they’re almost too big to deal with them and the NFL truly is American’s Game. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Anyhoodle, as usual I have not been invited to any Super Bowl parties so I went to Walmart today to get the stuff I needed for my own little party. I’m going to have nachos, taquitos baked in the oven and a burrito. Oh wait, I guess I won’t be having a burrito because NOBODY in town had what I wanted. I don’t need a package of 12 burritos, I just need one. So, I’ll have to live without the burrito and the disappointment is mad real y’all.

Believe it or not though, there are lots of people out there who don’t give a damn about the Super Bowl or football at all. We call these people America-hating, terrorist-loving, pinko-commie panty-wastes. No offense intended, of course. But, if you happen to be one of these people, I have you covered.

Maybe you could watch a movie? Perhaps, “Sleepless in Seattle” or “Things to do in Denver When You’re Dead?”

Or you could read. Possibly the “Undead Kama Sutra” by Mario Acevedo which is set in Denver, or go all out and read “Fifty Shades of Grey” by E.L. James which is set in Seattle?

Maybe some TV would be more fun? Well, you could watch a bunch of episodes of “South Park” created by Coloradans Trey Parker and Matt Stone or, if you prefer humans, you can binge watch “Community” starring Seattle native (kinda) Joel McHale.”

BONUS: Community’s Alison Brie…

Let’s see what the late, great Nipsey Russell thinks …

Super Bowl forty-eight is all set for the Meadowlands
Fans, celebrities and dignitaries will be on hand
But you should just stay home with a bunch of beer in your fridge
You never know when Chris Christie will close another bridge

Denver is a 2.5 point favorite, but I really have no idea who will win. I suspect that the Broncos just have a little too much offense for the Seahawks and will win something  like ….

Denver 27
Seattle  17

Enjoy the game everyone! Or don’t, what do I care?

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Super Bowl XLVIII: Only the Slyder Knows

Hi Sports Fans…IWS Sports Director Slyder Balzcock coming to you LIVE from Next Life Stadium in East Brotherhood, New Jersey breaking down the upcoming Super Bowl for you.

Super Bowl Excelvie, pits the defensively dangerous Legion of Bomb of the Seattle Mariners, against the holds no-bar offense of Eli Manning and the Mile High Broncos.

Broncos fans haven’t been this worked up since Floyd Little was still looked upon with a distrusting eye in Denver restaurants, and these days, the giddiness of Mariners fans surpasses the joy felt even when Starbucks came out with a Strawberry Mocha Café Latte in April of aught eleven.

When there is a Super Bowl, shenanigans and excitement abound.

And let me tell ya, when a team from the Pacific Time Zone meets a team from the Mountain Time Zone, it gets really ugly when they play the Super Bowl in the Eastern Time Zone, and it doesn’t seem fair!!

For instance…

Let’s say that Eli Manning goes all Mustang on the Mariners, and does a hurry-up offense…How can Seattle who is a time zone behind, respond with a defense that can defend their play?

And here’s a real kicker…if the Broncos run a delay draw play…the Mariners may be even more than an hour behind.  It doesn’t seem fair, but Mariner fans, have no fear.

If the game goes into overtime, the Seattle grid-ironers have a better chance to win because they have an extra hour to play the game.

And now, for my sumulation and prediction…

The boys of the Nile High City are pretty good.  Eli, along with Jenarious Thomas, Eric Becker, and Wes Walker baste a formidable pass attack…although…

Seattle has legendary actor Kurt Russell at quarterback, his step-child, Golden Hawn at wide-receiver, and the ever inflammatory Richard “Tecumseh” Sherman at cornerback.

My prediction?

If Eli can put more points up on the board than Snake Pliskin, the Broncos will win, but let me tell ya…

Eli doesn’t always have it going on, however…

If the late, great Ernest Borgnine shows up in that ratty-tatty Escape from New York car, and responds to a play action pass from Eli…it’s all over.

My Super Bowl prediction?

In sumulation…Ernest Borgnine kicks a three point safety and blocks a hand off to secure the win for the Mile High Broncos, even though Ernie plays for the Seattle Football Giants.

Have a great Super Bowl Sunday, and as always…

This is Slyder Balzcock, leavin’ it all on the field, and headin’ for the showers!!

But for more Super Bowl insight, you stay right there…

Slyyyyyyyyder

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