Holaaaaaaaaaa y’all! That’s right, in shocking out-of-nowhere news, the Jayman is getting married! I just finally decided that dammit, I’m 45 years old and it’s time to settle down and get married. Enough of this footloose and fancy-free lifestyle of mine! It’s time to start acting like a grown up! There’s only one problem with my plan right now…
I don’t know whom I will be marrying.
That’s definitely a problem, right? Well, not to worry cause I think I’ve found just what I’m looking for. My friends, I have joined the “Finda Life Partner to get Married” group on Facebook! Oh hell yes! It even says “only for serious people” so I see no reason that I won’t be able to find a suitable bride, take her on a whirlwind romance and then get married within around six to nine months.
I think the key to this is to come up with a killer introduction of myself to the group. First impressions matter ya know? So, here are a few ideas I’m working on.
- “Hola y’all! International internet radio star here and I’m looking a co-host for life. Living in the spotlight is a lot lonelier than it seems and it’s time to find someone to enjoy life with. Plus, by marrying me you will automatically get to be featured on IWS Radio! You’ll record and edit audios for the show and write for the website two or three times a week! Other responsibilities will include posting to the Facebook fan page and Tumblr. Plus, there will be all the other wifey duties of cooking, cleaning and making sure that I’m happy, healthy, relaxed and focused. What do you say ladies?
- You: A scared, hot legal (barely) age girl living in abject poverty in some third world shithole that is about to explode in civil war.
Me: Your only real option. Let’s do this!
- Howdy girls! My name is Jay. I’m 45, but have the emotional maturity of a 15 year old. I’m considerably overweight and broke as hell. But, I’m full of love and am the World’s Greatest Cuddler. You could do worse, right?
- Sad, lonely and reserved middle aged male seeks shy, quiet girl for disappointing evenings out and possibly a long boring marriage. Email me for details. No fatties.
- So, are all you chicks here just a bunch of mail order brides, or what?
- Semi-successful speculative comedian here to make you laugh and giggle through life! If you don’t take life too seriously, I’m your guy. Let’s not worry about money and looks and all that superficial crap, let’s get deep and talk about what’s on the inside then Let’s. Get. Bizzay!
- Me: Old, fat and broke. … You: Young, wild and free. …. Opposites attract, right?
- Hey y’all! Just want to introduce myself to all the lovely ladies here. I’m a pretty average guy who is full of laughs and love. Let’s get to know each other and who knows, maybe it will lead to marriage or something. I mean, I prefer to just shack up for a while, but I’m open to other ideas. I’m even willing to travel so you don’t have to leave your family if you’re hot enough.
- Okay enough of the bullshit. I’m lonely and you’re desperate. Let’s work something out. I’ll help out with the housework and do some of the cooking. You promise not to nag at me and put out every once in a while. We’ll work out all the other details as we go along. Sound good? Seriously y'all come on! If this doesn't work I'll have to join Asexuals Anonymous group!
Man, it’s just so hard to decide which of those to use cause they’re all GOLD! I see no reason why I won’t be filling out foreign bride visa applications for some lucky lady damn soon! Or even better, I might be the one doing the moving! I’ll keep you guys updated, so start thinking about what you’re going to get us for our wedding gift!
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