How Divorce Changes People ...

Holaaaaaaaaaaa! Well, now that Matt-Man is divorced his life has changed more than you guys can ever imagine. I’ve been observing him over the last 24 to 36 hours and I can tell you that the change has been astounding! Matt-Man has a whole new view on life. Just check out some of the changes that are happening to Matt-Man:

- He is now a Health Nut: I can see Matt-Man strolling down the organic food isles at the grocery store refusing to eat anything that has been treated with pesticides or pumped full of growth hormones. Our usual “What’s for dinner” exchange on Twitter will go something like …

“@Jayman_IWS Oh, I’m having a hamburger patty, mashed taters and some French cut green beans. Whatchu havin’??”

“@MattMan_IWS I think I’ll have baked organic free-range chicken with some organic kale and squash covered in a spicy mango salsa with a bottle of pure spring water.”

- Even worse he’s working on becoming a Vegan and Marathon Runner!!! …

“@MattMan_IWS I’m having tofu and broccoli stir fry laid over a bed of gluten-free brown pasta. I need to carb up to be ready to run a 10K this weekend for Enlarged Prostate (BPH) Awareness.”

- He’s turned into a bit of snob: Matt has given up drinking Wild Irish Rose and Steel Reserve. Instead he will be drinking fancy French wines! On the rare occasions that he does drink beer it will only be a very highly regarded craft beer brewed and a small privately owned brewery that he orders directly from on the internet.

- He has become weirdly and agreeable and complimentary of everyone …

“. @SeanHannity I was watching you tonight and while I don’t agree that gay people have a mental disorder and can be cured through shock therapy, I respect your views and the high production value of your shows.”

“. @MHPShow Could I possibly get a copy of the syllabus a little early so I can take extra time to prepare for the show. I find it helps me to read it thoroughly twice before the show to keep up with your superior intellect. Thanks gorgeous!”

- He’s talking serious about quitting smoking! Oh God! Matt-Man is gonna be one of those “Back when I smoked” people. You know the type! He’ll be one of those people who find a way to bring up the fact that he used to smoke no matter is going on.

“I walked to work today and you know what? It’s amazing how much easier that walk is now that I don’t smoke. I mean I walked here without any real effort at all. I’m not even breathing heavily. I bet I could walk here and then turn right around walk back home and still not break a sweat. You people who smoke can’t do that. Sucks for you! Oh I see what got a new shipment of Grippo’s BBQ Chips! You know what? This is gonna sound weird but I used to hate these when I smoked. It’s just amazing what smoking does to the other senses. I swear every single day I feel better about myself and the rest of my life. Food tastes better, water tastes purer, flowers smell prettier and the list goes on and on! I really hope I can inspire others to quit smoking too so they can experience the world the same way I have.”  

Maybe he should have just stayed married?

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Justice May Be Blind, But I Hope She Isn't A Comedian As Well

Cheeeeeeeeeers and a Happy D-Day to you all!!  What, you say?  What is this D-Day of which you speak? D-Day happened on June 6, 1944.

Yes, yes it did, the D-Day of the Normandy invasion anyway, but my friends…Today is another type of D-Day and one that is much more personal to me.

After nearly twenty-eight years of marriage including fourteen years of separation, yours truly goes to court today in order to finalize the legal dissolution of my marriage, and this guy is nervous.

People tell me, “Why be nervous? You’ll be in and out in 10-20 minutes.”  For most folks that would hold true, but people near and dear to me know that I have a dark cloud above my head that never fails to rain disruption and despair down upon my life.

So…even though the future ex-Mrs. Mahoney and I have signed the short, sweet, and concise agreement papers, here is a list of what could go wrong tomorrow and prevent me from becoming a free man.

The alarm clock here in the Bagwine digs is pretty old.  It may choose to fully unfunction and fail to wake me up in time for my court appearance.

Let’s say the alarm clock does do its job and I am well-prepared in plenty of time.  I go down to the car to drive to the courthouse, and…the battery is dead.  Can’t make it to court, and in this hearing, a no-show, is a no-go.

Let’s say we are all there in a timely manner and the judge having had a fallout with his wife earlier in the morning, is feeling melancholy and decides he cannot grant the dissolution because “you guys should attend counseling and give it one more chance.”

Dig this…Everything is going swimmingly and the judge asks me, “Mr. Mahoney, are you in agreement with the terms, and is this what you want?”  Being stricken with a sore throat from working in the elements at the Beer Mine, I at that point, lose my voice, and am unable to answer audibly.

I have mixed emotions about this next scenario…The judge denies the petition of dissolution because as he remarks, “I laugh my ass off every time Jay or Matt play Torn Between Two Lovers on the IWS Radio Show, and I don’t want to be known as the judge who put a stop to that.”

Lastly…My BFF/PSGF Schmoop is going with me, but will remain in the car during said proceeding, however…I can see her getting nervous, hop out of the car, and burst into the courtroom screaming, “Make them stay married.  If you don’t, Matt-Man will start asking me to marry him.”

Very Hurtful.

My friend, IWS Radio partner, and knower of the cloud above my head Jayman, has a bit of a different take on the outcome of today’s court proceedings.

He said to me, “Quit worrying. You’ll be in and out in fifteen minutes with no hassle…Of course Matt-Man…while walking across the street to get in your car to go home, you’ll be struck by a bus and die.”

That would be tragic.  That would be morbid.  That would be unfortunate, however…

That black cloud above my head would be gone forever because I would die knowing that for an instant, I died a happily unmarried man.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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Jay and Matt Brought the Bavarian Beer Garden Down

Let me tell you what…There are pod casts and then there are pod casts…yeah I know...everyone knows that by definition, but I was being dramatic and hyperbolic.

Anyhoo…

Yesterday, Jay, Matt and the IWS Radio players put on a show that will go down in German history as the greatest accomplishment since the push through the Netherlands and Belgium. (Which, since both were and are still Kingdoms, well…is not THAT great of an accomplishment, but whatever.)

After a week longeing for friendly banter, Jayman had plenty of joyful German music and linguistic lessons on tap.  Matt-Man even counted to twelve in German.  It’s true!!

The greatest German proverbialist ever was on hand as Pete Nietzsche talked sunrises, chickens, and well whatever.  He was awesome.

Bobby Kraft chimed in with a dramatic reading of Paul Simon’s 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover in honor of Matt-Man’s impending divorce.  The entire chat room immediately divorced their significant other.

The IWS law firm of Wie, Love, Kuntz showed their legal bad asses, and offered their help to anyone and everyone.

Rev. Moneymaker tried to make sense of Matt-Man’s ungodly and heretical divorce.  As always, he left us all with more questions than answers.

Schmoop had her say about Matt-Man getting divorced and it left us all with more tears than smiles.  Odd.

Jesse Ferg and a myriad of guests sexed up the chat room and Jesse is now in the custody of the Marion Police Department.

Lastly, in addition to wheat beer infused friendly Oktoberfest and divorce related chit chat between Jay and Matt, our fave Canadian Jamie Mapleleaf chimed in and we attempted to celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving with a Canadian turkey no less.

If that’s not enough to entice you to listen to the show…you’re dead inside.  And…well…even if you are, give it a listen and help out Jay and Matt who are still sort of alive inside.

They’ll feel better and you might just laugh.  Give IWS Radio a listen, and get outta here Mc Gooooooooo…

Bavarian Beer Garden Break-Up

With the exception of those uber-bitter ISIS thugs, folks all over the world are celebrating the 2014 Oktoberfest season.  Jay, Matt, and the staff of IWS Radio are no exception, and are having an Oktoberfest celebration of their own.

Cold beer, hot babes, and laugh out loud funny wit and satire from the IWS Radio Players are on the party menu.  In addition to Oktoberfest…

Matt-Man found out this week that after nearly twenty-eight years of less than wedded bliss, he will be getting that dissolution of marriage that he so richly deserves.

So, IWS Radio is celebrating a joyful uber-bash of all things German, all things beer, and all things divorce related this week.

On hand for the big soiree will be Jamie Mapleleaf, Bobby Kraft, Pete Nietzsche, and perhaps even the nearly recovered willy-willy survivor, Stubby Stonehenge.

Listen in, join the party, and chime in with your phone calls tomorrow LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio as IWS Radio presents a Bavarian Beer Garden Break-Up.

To listen LIVE tomorrow from Noon-2 PM ET, click HERE!!

Danke schön and Prosit!!

Just Say Fuck It! And Listen to IWS Radio

Cheeeeeers!!

Y’know?  Something really not good happened yesterday.  What’s that you ask?

I think I may have grown up!!

IKR?

At the ripe old age of 48 plus, Matt-Man may have hit the mercury mark and as the mercurial metal of time and temperature rises, he says unto himself…

“I should really start acting my age…Okay, I should really act like I’m nearly 50...Fuck it, but can I at least have some sense of grown-up decency before I die for Godssakes and go out on top as an adult male, you old man!!?”

Y’know?  I think about my own demise…I don’t think of it in terms of how it will be regaled like the Lady of Shallot’s boyfriend being sailed down the river in a pine box, but I think that…

Considering my family history, I am not long for this world in relative terms of time and space, however, and here is what drives me…

I am doing what I want to  do, and dare I say, what I was meant to do.

I remember a couple of years ago, my wife, the uber-toxic Janet said to me…

“I told Ryno (my son) that if he didn’t he didn’t start getting better grades, he would end up working at a Drive-Thru like Dad.”

To which I thought to myself…

“This is the same woman who when I had a chest tube in me, asked if it would reach to the ATM Machine!!”

Nonetheless, it hurt my feelings…on both counts.

But over the last couple of years, while I used to carry anger toward her, I have chucked it away because really…

Can a sane person, really ask a hospital patient with over a gallon of lung funk in his body for money?  No, and a sane, self-described Christian person, doesn’t ask that of him.

So?  I just chalk her comments of hatred and belittlement of me up to, well…hurt, anger, and…bipolar craziness.

M’eh, I just don’t care anymore about that, and I am done knocking her…although it is quite fun, helps me to vent, and give a little of the same back to her from what I took from her the past thirteen years.

Of course, I would never claw her face, push her into the pantry, nor spit in her face like she did me.  What?

Anyhoo…

Yeah, I was going to start a segment about her on Sunday‘s Season Four IWS premier, but eh, it would just make me mad, and I don’t want that.

So instead, I chose to write about it, and now I feel better.

I know that this was not the funniest post ever, but maybe now, come Sunday on the IWS Radio Show, I’ll be funnier, because this has really been bothering me, and now?

I have let it go…

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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