I Don't Know You Well, But I'd Love To Slice your Meat

Salami Whore

When in the course of human events, some people get laid-off from their jobs.

Some people, in turn, take the unemployment time to reflect, better themselves, and find a job that fits them…until…the unemployment money runs out, and then, brutal reality sets in.

My BFF/PSGF Schmoop is one of them.

Here’s the thing about finding a job…

When push came to shove; when the monetary nose was to the grindstone; and when her sexy chips were down?

She, my friend Schmoop, found one.  Funny how that happens.

Seriously though?  She found work at a deli, and let me tell you, she will slice your meat, all the while with a smile upon her face, and food-safe gloves upon her hands.

When one such as Schmoop finds a deli job, one goes out of her way to maintain her pastrami cutting way of life.

However…

Let me caution you now…If you ask for three quarters of a pound of something, you may be rebuked by hearing my friend say…

“Could we make it a half-pound or a FULL pound, ya big pansy?  A three quarter pound thing is soooooo bisexual.”

She will take no prisoners and she will have none of your deli shenanigans when you say, “Could you put a quarter ounce of macaroni salad atop my pound of potato salad?”

The answer will always be…

“How about you take a number, and YOUR number is INFINITY!!”

Deli Queen

I am kidding of course, because…My friend Schmoop?

She loves people and I am excited that she is so damn happy to have a job.  I didn’t care if she ever worked again, because…

I would have left her for a woman who did.  I’m shallow like that, but anyhoo…

I am happy.  Schmoop is happy, and IWS Radio is very happy, because deli meat stories from Schmoop are gonna be comedy GOLD!!

And as Jay pointed out to me…

Just think of the buffet tray after the show…Unlimited olive loaf and macaroni salad; hell yeah...here I come!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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Job Training Partnership Act

Cheeeeeeeeeeers and Happy Tuesday to you all!!

I know that there are many of you out there who have recently been laid-off, let go, and/or otherwise downsized from your jobs as we enter this festive time of year, and to you all, I say God Bless, and I hope you still have some semblance of a happy holiday season, however…

I can neither faintly nor remotely begin to describe the sadness of your holiday-time layoff, but I can describe the layoff that is affecting me.

And that layoff involves my BFF/OSP, Schmoop who was recently callously and hurtfully terminated just last week.

Her layoff burns me to the core as I know how sensitive she is.  I try not to cry, but I witnessed her giving of herself for nearly thirteen years as office manager to the company for which she worked, and I know how devastated she is.

Sure…I could temporarily cajole my darling Schmoop with a peck on the cheek, an occasional atta boy, and words of, “It’ll be alright.”

But…

If I do truly love her, the best way to help her is to get her post-partum layoff mind off of the, “stinkin’ thinkin’” and put her to work…allow her to develop new job skills, and…give her a sense of self-worth.

So…I figure I could set some daily chores for her as she begins her journey toward re-employment, all the while helping her to develop new skills.

Painting is a good profession and one that will always have a market. I noticed recently that our bathroom and kitchen could use a fresh coat of paint.  Schmoop could develop scraping off the old paint and applying the new paint skills by scraping off the walls and stroking up a fresh, friendly coat of paint upon the walls of both rooms.

Being a good cook is also a well paid trade that will always be in demand.  Perhaps Schmoop could learn not to just re-heat things, but delve deeper into honing her nascent culinary skills, by cooking a handmade and homemade breakfast, lunch, and dinner for me every damn day.  After all, repetition is a good teacher!!

Schmoop does have a nice voice.  She could always become a stay-at-home phone sex operator.  We had a former phone sex line chick on our radio show two weeks ago, and she was telling stories of receiving blank checks from her clientele.

Which leads me to another line of work Schmoop could look into…

Philanthropist.

When and if Schmoop received blank checks from her potential and aforementioned phone sex customers, she could then hand the checks over to me knowing full well that it is better to give than receive.

I could then use that money to invest in my our future leaving Schmoop time to no longer worry about money, and instead focus on honing her skills as a Geisha Girl, a massage therapist, and naked vacuuming. And I?

I would be her helpful and dutiful test case the entire time, offering encouragement, compassion, and critical suggestions on how to become better at all of those things.

So there you go…

While it is through the hurt on Schmoop’s behalf that I type this jobs training program, I suffer through it, because I love her so damn much and long for her to be the best Schmoop that she can be.

The road back to employability won’t be easy for Schmoop, but doggone it…

I’m going to make sure that both of us don’t suffer along the way.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_IWS
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