Apologies Are Being Ordered

Cheeeeeers and a Happy Hump Day to you all.

Yesterday on the IWS Radio website, Jayman, while a celebrated and internationally renown media personality, shed his stardom and called upon the strength of his own innate humility and apologized to a few folks.

His post titled, Apologies Are in Order,  inspires me today to post something similar.

As far as I am concerned, apologies are in order in my life as well, and let me tell ya, I have a list of a few people who need to be apologizing to ME!!

Time Warner Cable…The little bit of TV that I do watch happens to take place during the morning cable news shows, and for the past two weeks, you have paid to run your stupid, insidious, and unfunny, something old, something new wedding day hi-speed internet ad featuring Bill Cowher.

It runs at every God Damn break!!  Stop It!!  Just. Stop. It, and…apologize to me this second.

The Weather Channel…You already pissed me off by hiring yet another non-meteorologist in Sam Champion, but do you have to piss me off further by running an ad for his new show while I am waiting for My Local on the 8’s?

Why the hell are you running ads for his show during his show!!?  So the people watching his show won’t forget?  That’s fucking stupid, and you need to apologize to me…Now.

Beer Mine Beth…Yep.  Our new hire at the Beer Mine owes me an apology.  A huge one.  She went on vacation during Spring Break of Bagwine City Schools.  Yesterday, I saw more former Ohio Dept. of Rehab and Corrections inmates (i.e. parents) driving through with future Ohio Dept. of Rehab and Corrections inmates (i.e. their children) than I ever have in one day.

Nothing like spending a day waiting on a carload of kids who were gestated on a diet of amniotic fluid, cheap vodka, and meth trying to decide as to which kind of potato chips they would like!!

Jesus!! Take Me Now!!

Bill Pence…Mr. Pence is the owner of the soon to be defunct Corporate Imagemakers/PenceOhio Corporation and he laid-off Schmoop back in December.  Couldn't he have kept her on, and found something for her to do from like 8 A.M-11 A.M., five days a week?

Don’t get me wrong…I love the Schmoopster with all my heart, but I really miss that quiet morning time.  No talking.  No noise.  Simply me and my thoughts saying to one and other…“Ahhhhhhhhhhh.”  Yeah that dickhead needs to tell me that he is sorry for his actions.

The Two People on Facebook Who Recently Unfriended Me…I would like an apology post haste from you two ass clowns.  You know why?  I have no idea who unfriended me nor what I did.  I would much prefer that if a person unfriends me, that they would let me know it was he or she and why they did it.

In fact…That gives me a great idea.

Facebook should set it up that when a person unfriends another, it shows up on the unfriended person’s Facebook page, with the exact cause of the unfriending for all the world to see.

Ha.  That would be awesome!!

I am going to pass my idea along to Mark Zuckerberg and see if he runs with it.  If he doesn't?

That short-sighted billionaire will owe me an apology as well, because my idea is fucking brilliant!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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Apologies are in Order

Holaaaaa y’all! I had something I was thinking of writing about for today, but we work on deadlines here at IWS and I’m not finished (over)thinking about this subject so I’ll just have to ramble about other stuff. I will write about that other subject on Thursday. Or not. I might give up on it or forget about it or just think it to death. Overthinking about things is my specialty ya know?

So, I was listening to Bret Easton Ellis breathe heavily into his microphone on his podcast today thinking to myself “Damn, I’m glad I don’t do that cause that’s annoying” when I suddenly said to myself  “I bet he makes those same sounds when he blows his boyfriend.”  Then I wondered why I that thought would enter my head. I couldn’t think of a reason why though. It seemed strange to think that. He was talking about his boyfriend and maybe subconsciously I thought that and it made its way to my conscious. Hell, I don’t know.

I then felt bad about that. I mean that’s a pretty rude and crude thing to think. Saying it out loud would probably embarrass me. No Matt, it doesn’t make me gay either. I actually felt like I should apologize to Bret for even thinking that though. Not that he would give a shit. He’s pretty impervious to criticism if I did email him about this he would just dismiss it and possibly correct my grammar. Who needs that kind of heartache?

Speaking of apologizing, I actually apologized to myself the other day. No, it wasn’t some self-help therapy exercise or anything like that. It was an accident. It just happened. I was listening to The Writer’s Blocpodcast and as it was just about over I decided that I would go ahead and subject myself to Lena Dunham on Marc Maron’s WTF Podcast. Then, for some reason I unplugged my headset from my laptop.

As soon as I did that, I plugged it right back and in and said “oh, sorry!” out loud. I have no idea why I did that or what brought it on. I wasn’t particularly upset with myself for unplugging the headset. It didn’t cost me anything or hurt anything. It was simple enough to plug it right back in there. So why apologize? I guess I was just worried that I might have done something to upset myself. Or something.

I’ve also enjoyed reading everyone’s tweets and posts about the movie “Noah” starring Russell Crowe and Emma Watson and a few others. It’s interesting to see how people react to the movie and how dismissive some are about its accuracy. Unlike everyone else on Facebook and Twitter I’m no biblical scholar (or lawyer, or Russia expert, or doctor … damn, ya’ll are all so much smarter and better educated than me! Not to mention better looking. That makes me feel bad about myself. I should probably apologize to myself or someone about this too.)

It’s not like the story of Noah in the Bible is hundreds of pages long or all that detailed. If you want to make a move about it, you’re gonna have to embellish a bit. What I found especially funny though was that while people were posting about all the inaccuracies of the movie and how it wasn’t “authentic” and shit, nobody included the fact that Noah and his family were played by white people with British and Australian accents. Seems to me that THAT would be pointed out as the FIRST inaccurate thing about the movie.

Okay, that’s all I’ve got. Sorry.

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