Mother Nature and Old Man Winter Can Kiss My Clean Shaven Head

Cheeeeeers Bitches!!

Y’know?  I can’t speak for everyone…

But Old Man Winter and Mother Nature have been having a sub-zero FuckFest this winter at our expense.

These past three and half months here in Ohio, have been nothing but an endless stream of bullshit…And I’m talking cold, snowy, booger freezing bullshit.

It has snowed nearly every damn day, and the cold air clings to us like a Danish tiger clinging to a lifeless, yet delicious giraffe.

For weeks, I have told myself that weather patterns will change and we’ll at least hit our averages of mid-30’s during the day, but…no such luck.  We have been mired in the teens during the days, and in the single to below zero digits during the nights.

So?

I am taking extreme measures, and willing the temps to moderate using extreme measures of Karma.

After weeks of growing a beard and a sparsely populated head of hair in order to combat the polar vortices that have smothered our area this winter season, I have cleaned myself up, and shaved both face and head.

Here was my rugged winter chin at approximately 8:30 PM last night…

And here is my smooth, luxurious chin and face now…

Here was my fucked up looking think melon last night at the same time…

And here is my sexy, smooth container of a genius IQ now…

Pretty sexy, no?

Damn right, and let me tell you…

I know it’s going to continue to be cold for the foreseeable future, but mark my words, my courage in doing the follicle cleansing is going to make the Gods and Goddesses of Warmth shine upon me, and Old Man Winter and Mother Nature will be kissing my ass.

And they should…mainly because I am now bald, clean shaven, and most of all…I'm beautiful.

Or Something.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iwsradio
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This Winter Is Messin' With My Mind!!

Cheeeeeeers Chuckleheads, and a Happy Hump Day to you all.

Y’know?  This winter is messing with my mind, my innate good-nature, and my body.  This winter is a wicked pissah!!

The previous two winters, at least here in Bagwine, Ohio, have been very above average…not so cold, not a lot of snow, but this winter?

The winter of 2013-14 has brought the “average” Ohio winter back to its average by being really nasty and really hurtful.

We have suffered through wind chill driven temps to 40 below.  It’s snows nearly every day.  It’s gray, gloomy, and menacing 85% of each and every week.

Listen to me, I am a guy who enjoys a bit of snow, a bit of booger-freezing temps, and some chaotic slip-sliding away traffic highlights on the news, but damn…

This winter, in a word…Sucks.

I hate this winter, mainly because, while I enjoy being a realist and having some self-control, and a “whatever will be, will be” attitude about all things uncontrollable…

I wish I could control Mother Nature enough that I could stick an ice pick crafted by Mother Nature’s very own uncaring hand, and ram it through her cold, callous, and unforgiving frozen heart…several times over.

Ma Nature, needs to die.  And even if I have to have a sex-change operation to make it realistic, I have no qualms about being the axe-wielding Lizzie Borden who strikes her down.

Hell…Even the days run together.  I never know what day it is, and neither does my boss.  When I get to work he will ask me…“What the hell day is it?”

I nearly always reply with the correct answer, but for winter-driven self-assurance, I add a question mark to my reply…

“Wednesday?”

Oh dear GAWD…this winter cannot end soon enough.  As I type this, we are getting hammered yet again by the dastardly douche bag that is Mother Nature, and the snow is falling like the anti-manna from the sky.

Am I bitter?

You’re Goddamn right I am.

The last two months have yielded nothing other than a ghastly, ice cold furnace that blows out nothing more than frozen confetti from the sky, and sub-zero heartache upon my soul…and more importantly, upon my nether regions.

And you know what?

I want my nether regions to be able to cooperate with my libido for at least a couple of more years.  I’m not asking for much.

I just want an average winter, which complies with the length of my manhood and with my average libido.

See?

During the winter season, I always tell Schmoop, that for every inch of snow we get, you will get an inch of Matt-Man

Well folks, we've had like 36 inches of snow this winter, which means one thing...

Yours truly has had to have sex with Schmoop 10 12 18 times the past two months!!

Thanks a lot Mother Nature; your demands are set way too high...and I hate you!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page