IWS Person of the Week...Bashar Assad, A Misunderstood Tyrant

It's Labor Day Weekend in America and we need to ask...Would you like a little Mustard Gas on your Hot Dog?

The much  maligned President of Syria, one Bashar al-Assad has been and continues to be portrayed as an evil human being.

We would like you to consider these photos of the amicable and affable Mr. Assad.

Bashar is a friend to all...Here he is, welcoming a a travel weary foreign guest to his warm and peaceful country... 

President Bashar in addition to being a fun-loving host to those who reside and visit his country, he is also an intelligent man who is always making good points.  Sometimes, two at a time!!

Of course his good-nature can at times, be tested by his lavishly spending, lifestyles of the rich and famous, mocking his manhood, bitch of a wife, Asma.

And that my friends, is why the go along, get along kinda guy President Bashar typically is, sometimes gets a little pissed and looks like this...

Don't blame Bashar for murdering Syrian men, women, and children...blame it on his bitch of a wife who is constantly saying to him...

"If you truly loved me, you'd gas some poor folks."

Poor President Assad our IWS Person of the Week; he's not a tyrant..he's merely obliging the following maxim:

Happy Wife, Happy Life.

Anyhoo...We know that the Assads will be listening to IWS Radio from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio today.

Jay and Matt have a HUGE show scheduled as they Kick-Off Season 4 of IWS Radio.

They'll be talking, a look ahead, Syria, football, Labor Day, and all the while they and the IWS team will be bringing the funny.

In addition they have a very special guest named Tess, who will be calling about topless equalty. If men can go shirtless, so should the ladies be allowed.

So listen today from Noon-2 PM ET to the IWS Radio Show.  You can catch it all LIVE by clicking HERE!!

Matt Said Jay Said Season 4

Matt says, Jay says, You don’t say?

Matt: What be happening?
Jay: Nothing. Not even a new war.
Matt: Maybe tomorrow.
Jay: Looks like they’re gonna take their time.
Matt: They don’t want to be impulsive.
Jay: That’s crazy shit right there!
Matt: Totally.
Jay: So how’s you?
Matt: I pulled my hamstring.
Jay: Gotta ice it and elevate it.
Matt: Or just shred it.
Jay: That would hurt a lot.
Matt: It already hurts a lot.
Jay: Want me to kiss it and make it better.
Matt: That would be hot!
Jay: And we’d leave the curtains open for the neighbors to see.
Matt: Those pervs!
Jay: Sickos!
Matt: I love ‘em!
Jay: Best neighbors ever!

Jay: Where do we stand with Topless Equality?
Matt: We’re for it!!
Jay: I know that! Are they coming on the show.
Matt: They say they are.
Jay: Then I assume they’ll be there.
Matt: Tess is their spokes model.
Jay: I’ve liked her page on Facebook.
Matt: Good move.
Jay: She’s coming on then?
Matt: Yup I’m told she’ll be calling in.
Jay: I can’t wait!
Matt: Me either!
Jay: She’s calling from Hawaii?
Matt: Yes! It will be EARLY for her.
Jay: That’s really nice of her.
Matt: IKR? Gonna be cool.
Jay: Totally, I love guests.
Matt: We need more of ‘em in Season 4.

Jay: Speaking of Season 4 …
Matt: It starts THIS SUNDAY!
Jay: Woo-Hoo!
Matt: Gonna be monster show.
Jay: I’ve got some Season 4 ideas.
Matt: Excellent!
Jay: And there’s so much going on.
Matt: Miley, Syria, Football,
Jay: First week of college partying.
Matt: For everyone but Ryno of course.
Jay: Oh of course.
Matt: We might check in with Slyder and Guy Ahnyurdyck
Jay: And Bobby and Kirk Douglas and a new correspondent.
Matt: Who?? Reporting on what?
Jay: Rocky Rhodes with “This Week in Stupid!”
Matt: Oh I can’t wait!
Jay: And who knows what else might happen.
Matt: Hopefully some phone calls will happen.
Jay: That would be cool too.
Matt: Okay we’re ready.
Jay: Damn right!

Okay, be sure to catch us LIVE on IWS for our Season 4 Premiere Extravaganza at 12 Noon ET

Just Say Fuck It! And Listen to IWS Radio

Cheeeeeers!!

Y’know?  Something really not good happened yesterday.  What’s that you ask?

I think I may have grown up!!

IKR?

At the ripe old age of 48 plus, Matt-Man may have hit the mercury mark and as the mercurial metal of time and temperature rises, he says unto himself…

“I should really start acting my age…Okay, I should really act like I’m nearly 50...Fuck it, but can I at least have some sense of grown-up decency before I die for Godssakes and go out on top as an adult male, you old man!!?”

Y’know?  I think about my own demise…I don’t think of it in terms of how it will be regaled like the Lady of Shallot’s boyfriend being sailed down the river in a pine box, but I think that…

Considering my family history, I am not long for this world in relative terms of time and space, however, and here is what drives me…

I am doing what I want to  do, and dare I say, what I was meant to do.

I remember a couple of years ago, my wife, the uber-toxic Janet said to me…

“I told Ryno (my son) that if he didn’t he didn’t start getting better grades, he would end up working at a Drive-Thru like Dad.”

To which I thought to myself…

“This is the same woman who when I had a chest tube in me, asked if it would reach to the ATM Machine!!”

Nonetheless, it hurt my feelings…on both counts.

But over the last couple of years, while I used to carry anger toward her, I have chucked it away because really…

Can a sane person, really ask a hospital patient with over a gallon of lung funk in his body for money?  No, and a sane, self-described Christian person, doesn’t ask that of him.

So?  I just chalk her comments of hatred and belittlement of me up to, well…hurt, anger, and…bipolar craziness.

M’eh, I just don’t care anymore about that, and I am done knocking her…although it is quite fun, helps me to vent, and give a little of the same back to her from what I took from her the past thirteen years.

Of course, I would never claw her face, push her into the pantry, nor spit in her face like she did me.  What?

Anyhoo…

Yeah, I was going to start a segment about her on Sunday‘s Season Four IWS premier, but eh, it would just make me mad, and I don’t want that.

So instead, I chose to write about it, and now I feel better.

I know that this was not the funniest post ever, but maybe now, come Sunday on the IWS Radio Show, I’ll be funnier, because this has really been bothering me, and now?

I have let it go…

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS
My Facebook Page

Robin Thicke Defends Miley Cyrus

Hey Hey Hey bitches! Heir to Hollywood Royalty, singer, performer, ladies’ man, sexual dynamo and possessor or a Hood Pass, Robin Thicke here. Please, stop throwing your moist panties at your computer while reading my sexy words on this here blog. Save them for the genii behind the IWS Entertainment Empire, Matt-Man and Jayman. No need to thank me guys, I have plenty of hot sexy groupies to share a couple with lesser men like you guys. Of course, all men are lesser to me.

I wanted a place where I could defend Miley Cyrus from all the unfair and outrageous attacks on her stemming from her, uh, I mean our performance on the VMAs. Well, really it was HER performance that people are upset over.  I haven’t gotten any flack at all.

See folks, Miley didn’t want to do such a raunchy performance. She wanted to do a traditional performance where she got up there on stage in a tasteful, yet sexy dress and sang with me. Basically she wanted to be the pure and innocent lady she is. But, what I can I say? A couple of minutes into rehearsal with me and the clothes were coming off. Happens all the time to me! I’m serious …

- When I was six Jazmine Johnson wanted begged me to sit on my lap and for me to hold her while we went down the slide at the playground.

- When I was nine I was standing behind Shanice Jordan waiting for my turn at the pencil sharpener when Shanice asked me to stand really close behind her and crank the pencil sharpener for her.

- When I was fourteen my dad’s costar on “Growing Pains” Johanna Kerns told me she wanted to learn to play golf and asked if I would get behind her and put my arms around her and teach her to swing.

- When I was seventeen my photography teacher Mrs. Stone asked me to help her in the dark room and after the lights when out she started “accidentally” bumping my crotch with her phat ass.

Shit like this has happened to me all my life. I don’t do anything to bring these situations on. I’m naturally so damn sexy that women throw themselves at me. I start singing my special brand of white guy hip-hop and the next thing I know girls are dancing with me and grinding on me and telling me they want to do all kinds of nasty things to me.  

Same thing happened to me in my video for my Summer Rape Anthem “Blurred Lines.” I’m singing along with track, trying to make a nice video for everyone out there to enjoy and damned if Emily Ratajkowski doesn’t get all naked and start grinding all over me! It’s crazy y’all!

So I think you can all see how this isn’t Miley’s fault. It isn’t really my fault either. Not that anyone has said it was my fault in any way. It’s kind of cool how all the blame is being put on the bitch girl. The blame lies with this damn out of control sexiness and animal magnetism I have. I start out trying to just do a straight up duet with someone on the VMAs and before I know it I look down and some 20 year old hottie is in her bra and very moist panties grinding her bony little ass against my 36 year old Thicke Stick™ while I’m innocently singing “I know you want it …. I know you want it … I know you want it …”

Honestly? I wish I could stop it. I wish I wasn’t this damn sexy. I wish every woman didn’t want me so badly. But, this is the way God made me and I just have to live with it. I promise to use my sexy powers only for good though. Sure, I’ve turned a few lesbos straight in my day, but no more. I promise. It’s just not right.

Oh one other thing.  Mika Brzezinski, call me baby. I’ll loosen you up sexy lady.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Jayman's Facebook
@Jayman_IWS 

I AM Miley Cyrus!!

Cheeeeeeers Chuckleheads!!

Well, unless you live under a rock, or are a person of Amish persuasion who is without a radio, television, or internet access, you know that the American media, parental groups, and holier-than-thou types are in full-throttle and five-speed overdrive, OUTRAGE mode.

It seems that the once winsome Disney studio star of Hannah Montana, twenty year old Miley Cyrus, twerked and worked her wares upon a growing pain inside the pants of thirty-six year old Robin Thicke during a live performance, on this past Sunday’s VMA awards show on MTV.

Monday morning as I watched the early morning talk shows, my hangover was cursed by the sound of Morning Joe’s Mika Brzezinski, who upon seeing the video, said things like…

"She is a mess. Someone needs to take care of her."  Annnnnd….

"That was disgusting and embarrassing."  Annnnnd of course this…

"That young lady, who is 20, is obviously deeply troubled, deeply disturbed...probably has an eating disorder."

I felt helpless as I lay there listening to that nattering nabob of Williams College educated, sexist, social piety, Ms. Mika “Pass Me the Vodka and Another Ambien” Brzezinski point out what she feels to be flaws in Miley’s character, and weaknesses in her emotional, physical, and psychological make-up.

Others in the media piled on poor Miley, and on Tuesday, Mika, Joe Scarborough, and the Parents Television Council said that advertisers must forgo MTV and person or persons at the network, should be fired.

Oh…My God…Such outrage over a little song and dance.  I haven’t seen this much outrage since millions of American children were victimized by Janet Jackson’s booby popping out during the Super Bowl a few years ago.

Here’s the thing…I know Miley Cyrus, because I AM Miley Cyrus.

I could have been Miley a few years back when I began my first blog.  If I had a daughter?  She would have looked like Miley Cyrus.

Seven years ago, I started my first blog.  At first, it was like working for Disney.  I was sweet, cute, affable, and many folks called me Matty.

And then…a couple of years into it, I knew it was time to fly.  Time to grow my wings, and become a seasoned and grown-up version of my blogging self.  So…

I began posting pictures likes this…

And this…

And in keeping with animal twerking like Miley’s Teddy Bear sexcapade, pictures like this…

Much like the burgeoning and longing for adult type performing for which Miley has yearned, I too felt the need to grow and become more adult and cutting edge in my blogging.  It’s a natural progression.  Oh sure, she did so at the age of 20, and I at the age of 43 or 44, but still…you get my point.

Mika Brzezinski claims that Miley Cyrus is disturbed, a mess, and probably suffers from an eating disorder because Mika’s emotional displacement tells her to say that.

Me?

I just say that Miley Cyrus and I are kindred spirits wanting to grow as people.

In fact, I say unto you now…

While early in my blogging career I could have been referred to as Hannah Mattana, I AM Miley Cyrus now, and perhaps in a small way, each and everyone of us are...ALL Miley Cyrus.

Stand firmly behind sweet Miley Cyrus, and don’t allow the OUTRAGE Police to throw her in jail!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

College Should be as Fun as Miley Cyrus Twerking

As I read Matt’s post yesterday about Ryno’s first day ofcollege I thought back to when I went to college way back in the day.  I had all these crazy ideas about college and how it would change me. I thought that just by going to college I would suddenly be an outgoing, popular guy who had social skills. I think I also believed that I would magically be able to dance and the babes would be all over me.

Shockingly this didn’t happen. I was the same awkward and shy nerd that I had always been. In fact my freshmen year was incredibly boring. I really didn’t do anything much at all. There were none of the big parties that I expected to be attending every weekend. None of the babes hanging all over me that I expected. And when my dorm had some kind of party or dance I would only go and hang out for a little while and then leave. Alone. 

My roommate was a really strange guy. He was a junior architecture major and wasn’t around all that much. We got along great though. Of course, when you only actually see each other once a week, it’s easy to get along.

I didn’t spend all my time in my room watching my little black and white TV though. We had a pool table and ping pong table in the basement. So, that is where I spent most of my weekend nights. Oh sure, there were a few weekends where I would hang out over in another dorm with some other dudes and we would drink beer or anything else that somebody got his hands on and watch a movie (porn). #Thuglife

Sometimes while I was playing ping pong with the other anti-social nerds in the basement at 2 a.m. on a Friday night one of the cool guys with his cool girlfriend would wander through. I always loved that “oh look ... that poor loser is playing ping pong on a Friday night” look from those girls which always made me feel good about myself.

Most of the fun I had at college, and the closest things ever got to the college experience that I had envisioned, happened in my second year. That’s the year I met Big J, Little J, and S. Those are the guys that I went on the road trips with. And the guys that I actually got out and went to parties and other social functions with.

After that year Big J and Little J both moved back to California because it was too boring in Arkansas. I should have moved there with them. Then S got married about a year later. Actually he and his girlfriend dated for almost 12 months, then got married and THEN she moved out less than three months later.

For me college ended up being a colossal waste of time and money. I have a degree in Human Resource Management that has proven to be even more useless that you can imagine. It’s my own fault though because I didn’t stick with a major that I enjoyed and excelled in. I started out as a political science and history major and stupidly switched over to HR. Had stayed with my original major college would have been a more enjoyable and positive experience academically.

Of course God has a plan for all of us and for me it was to eventually become a world famous internet radio star rocking the house at the VMA’s with Miley Cyrus.

My point is that for people like Ryno and others heading off to college this week don’t worry about the future so much that you punish yourself by selecting a major that you don’t really give a crap about simply because you think it will mean a better chance at a job. It won’t. Do what you’re interested in and what you love and somehow it will all work out.

Probably.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Hate the Mom, But Love the Son

Cheeeers Bitches!!

Guess what’s happenin’ today…

My son began college.

No…no shit, I’m not kidding.

I am taking the little cretin out to breakfast today, and guess what?

When was all is said, done, and eaten, he will still want to attend lectures given by hippie bastards who hate capitalism, yet who wrote all of the books that he has to buy for their class.

Anyhoo…and well, you know what?

In spite of getting up at 6 AM with a hangover in order to take one college Freshman out to breakfast, I am enjoying back to back days off for the first time in eight months, so you know what that means?

It means that today at 6 AM, I am awaking with a hangover, taking a shower, and then meeting my son at 7 AM for the breakfast bar at Frisch’s.

My son is going to be pressed for time, going to be nervous, and going to be cloaked within the shadow of his mother who lives vicariously and academically through him, however…

He came to see me Saturday, and he is excited.

I like that.

I want him to be excited.  I want him to be so damn excited that he takes on the world and makes it better.  I want that boy to be able to say…

“The World is my Bitch.”

And hopefully, that is what his time in college will do.

Hopefully it will enable him to crawl out from beneath that hypocritical, monastic and maternal wing of suffocation cloud of trepidation under which he has been suffering, and make a go of it.

Eh, I don’t want to get maudlin and mommy blogger on any one.  I just want him to be who I know who he is and what he can be, and he won’t wait as long as I did to do so.

I want Ryno to go down every avenue of interest, walk along every boulevard of believability, and ford each and every stream of life, and then…

No matter if it is today or six years down the road, say to me, his mom, and more importantly, to himself…

THIS is what I am supposed to be doing.

Hell…If he can say that six years from now, he will live to be a happy man, and his dad can die a happy man.

Listen to everyone, and listen to no one, buddy.  I love you.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Annnnnnnnnd if you missed yesterday's hilariously funny ending to season three of IWS RAdio you can catch it all, right here.

Jay, Matt, Mike, "Gloria", Schmoop, Dana, and Jamie were all there, along with a cast of thousands...Listen to it, and be healed; listen to it not, and you will surely
die.

Batman Ben Affleck: IWS Person of the Week!

IWS is proud to announce that our Person of the Week for this week is Oscar winning director, writer, actor, philanthropist and activist Ben Affleck!

The internet almost broke this week with the news that Ben would be playing Batman in the upcoming Battman and Superman movie or whatever. It was a rather stunningly negative reaction to such an accomplished actor getting a big role.

Affleck burst onto the scene way back in 1998 when he and Matt Damon won Oscars for writing Good Will Hunting. After that Ben went a little wild and crazy and dated Jennifer Lopez and partied and did all the thing you and I would have done too.

But, one day Ben woke up all hung over and looked at himself in the mirror and said “What the hell am I doing?” From that time on he has proven that Good Will Hunting was no fluke. He married Jennifer Garner who settled him down and has put out some truly great movies.

Affleck is a great writer and director and just a pretty good actor. But seriously folks, if the most upsetting thing that has happened to you lately is being angry over who is going to play a fictional character in a comic book movie then congratulations on your stress-free and idyllic life.  

And congrats to Batman Ben Affleck on being named IWS’ Person of the Week!!

Also, don’t forget to listen to IWS Radio’s Season 3 Finale at 12 Noon ET Sunday!!!  

Matt Said Jay Said 3

Matt pops a cork…Jay taps a keg…You celebrate with us.

Matt:  Hiya Chuckles!!
Jay:  What’s up?
Matt:  I’m getting excited about our big 3rd Year Anniversary Show this Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET.
Jay:  IKR?  This show is gonna be bigger and hotter than the flames coming out of your ass after eating a can of Beefaroni!!

Matt:  I just had a flashback thank you very much, but you’re right.
Jay:  Man, can you believe it?  Three years of non-stop laughs and top notch journalism.
Matt:  IKR?  It’s like we’re the FOX News of Blog Talk Radio, only we have top notch journalism.

Jay:  True…They could learn a thing or two from us…like being
Matt:  Like what?  FOX News being fair and balanced?  That’s crazy talk!!
Jay:  A man can dream, can’t he?
Matt: I suppose, but let’s try to stay in a relative realm of reality.

Jay:  Word.  So, this anniversary show…the accolades having been pouring into us from many celebs.
Matt:  Oh I know…I received one today from San Diego Mayor Bob Filner.
Jay:  Wow…I have already received congrats from Rick Perry, Roseanne, and Ted Cruz.
Matt:  Freaking awesome.  Dig this Jayman; John McCain sent us THREE statements of kind words!!
Jay:  That’s so cute, but guess what?
Matt:  What?

Jay:  President Obama just now sent us one as well!!
Matt:  Get outta here.
Jay:  If I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’!!
Matt:  This is HUGE!!

Jay:  We need to play these and the warm words from others in power, for our loyal audience.
Matt:  We sure as hell will, along with playing our fave files and moments from Season 3.
Jay:  Nothing wrong with a Sunday stroll down Memory Lane.

Matt:  I’m sure Guy Ahnyurdyck, Slyder Balzcock, and maybe even Kim Fragile will chime in.

Jay:  And Joshua, Rev. Moneymaker, Bobby Kraft are probably mixing and mincing up some words.

Matt:  And of course Jayman, you know who truly needs to be involved and celebrated…

Jay:  Damn Right!!  The listeners…who without fail, make us the Number One Comedy show nearly every week.

Matt:  We will have shout out and tributes galore to those fine folks
Jay:  As it should be, and we can touch on what is in store for Season Four.
Matt:  Poetically said Jayman.
Jay:  Rhyming is my Bitch.
Matt:  Word.

Jay:  So let’s get ready to party tomorrow, Sunday August 25th on Blog Talk Radio…
Matt:  As IWS Radio presents its Season 3 Finale LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET.
Jay:  Listen LIVE, hit the Chat Room, and of course Matt-Man…

Matt:  Call-In LIVE at 661.244.9852

Jay:  How do they get to the party, my good man?
Matt:  They can get there by clicking HERE.

Jay and Matt:  Holaaaaaa and Cheeeeeers!!

How to Be a Famous Mommy Blogger

Hola all you folks hanging around the slowly dying Bloggerhood to the bitter end. IWS has a very special treat for y’all today. I’m joined by my very good friend, the super smart, funny, sweet, clever, talented and HAWT Gnetch AKA: Little Miss Sunshine!!!IKR???!!!!  Anyway, we’re here today to give some of you budding Mommy/Daddy Bloggers out there some free advice on making it in the Blogging World.

Gnetch: That’s right Jay and hello to the IWS world! Blogging may be dead but not for mommy blogs. Seems like mommy blogs will stay with us forever, at least until they stop having babies or their babies grow up. Since mommy/daddy blogs are pretty common, I have a few tips on how to be an EXTRAORDINARY mommy/daddy blogger.

Jay: That’s right Gnetch babe! We are freaking EXPERTS on this shit. I mean just look at us, the happy mommy and daddy with our beautiful United Nations looking family which is a HUGE advantage in the mommy blogging world for obvious reasons…

Anyway, here’s some very good advice for you other mommies and daddies out there.

Gnetch: Giving your readers the impression that your baby is extra smart because they learned how to say "dada" at such an early age is pretty common. Readers have higher standards now. They're not impressed with "dada" anymore. Unless "dada" really means "fuck off", then that's extraordinary.

Jay: You’re absolutely right on that. One of the biggest mistakes I see mommy/daddy bloggers make is they brag about some of the most mundane things their little snowflakes do that really aren’t all that special. Kids do cute shit all the time and they pretty much all do the same cute shit. You gotta make sure your kids stands out!

Gnetch: Darn right! What’s important is for mommies and daddies to make readers think your baby is better than theirs. Do not just rely on them developing naturally. Teach them and let your readers think they're just naturally talented.

Jay: What kinds of things should people be teaching their babies?

Gnetch: In their first month, while your baby is still trying to adjust to this strange new world, teach them how to twerk. Oh, don't use the "they're just babies, their bones are still weak" bullshit. It's a tough world out there. Better train them early. Anyway, teach them how to twerk. This may take time, because one-month babies can't stand by themselves yet BUT it will be worth your effort. By the age of 3 months, they'll probably be twerking their way to you to ask for milk.

Jay: That would be a pretty special baby right there!

Gnetch: Oh, there’s more. In their third month, when your baby is strong enough to hold their head steadier (and can twerk), teach them how to pole dance. Install a pole in their crib and let them figure out what to do with it. They'll figure it out. The kid will reach for the pole, learn how to stand while holding on to the pole, and eventually learn how to dance. You’ll be surprised.

Jay: This when mom and dad need to get the video recorder out and make their kid a star right?

Gnetch: Dude, you are so right. Make sure you document these talents on a video and post it on your blog. OHMYGOD, your baby has natural talent. Of course no one should know that you're the one who taught your baby. Our aim here is to make your baby sound special and be on Ellen before the age of 1.

Jay: Special but not “SPECIAL” right?

Gnetch: Ha! Right, we’re not talking hockey helmet special here. We’re talking Miley Cyrus special talent here. Most importantly though, to stand out as a mommy/daddy blogger, you have to make sure your baby reaches fame and popularity. Add a few drops of alcohol in their milk and have them snort a pinch of coke. You're gonna get hate for this, that's for sure. But what matters is that you and your baby are famous. Bad publicity is still publicity, right?

Jay: Hell yeah! Rehab at the age 12? That’s gonna get your kid talked about on social media a lot and that’s where fame starts. From there make sure the kid relapses so they can go on Dr. Drew and Celebrity Rehab and then what happens?

Gnetch: Your kids go on Oprah and then they get their very own reality show! And THAT’S how you measure success as a parent!

Jay: Damn right babe! Thanks for sharing all your brilliant insight with us here today.

Gnetch: No, thank you! Anytime dude.

Jayman3768@gmail.com                   
Facebook                                            
@Jayman_IWS                                  

Gnetch’s Blog
iblogsowhat@gmail.com
Gnetch’s Facebook
@UhOhGnetchy

Ted Cruz is a Canadian, but His Citizenship Can be Bought

Greetings my American friends, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper here for I’m With Stupid.

I am humbly honored to have been permitted by Jay and Matt to use their mildly popular and nearly worldwide forum so that I may pontificate calmly comment upon an almost serious matter that slightly concerns both of our above average nations.

As I, like my fellow Canadians, am a polite and mild-mannered person, I have ambivalent emotions about publicly writing on what I am about to say, but…

As this is an issue of tepid importance, I feel that I must.  I mean, if that’s okay with you guys.  If it is not, please turn away now and perhaps click onto the gentle and heartfelt reflections of IWS’ very own Paul Piatt.

It seems that U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) was born within the confines of our neatly, yet not at all ostentatious borders to a Cuban father and American mother.  While some in our country would consider him to be of, dare I say, rascally lineage, Sen. Cruz while an American, does have the official status of being a Canadian citizen as well.

Now as many of you Americans know, Sen. Cruz has his Cuban/Canadian eyes on running for President in 2016, so Mr. Cruz has stated gleefully (which is an adjective that Canadians are unaccustomed to) that in order to show his oneness of patriotism to America, he would renounce his Canadian citizenship.

While to us Canadians, that could be taken as a gentle slap to our collective cheek, we as Canadians, are all about and accepting of, individuality and the personal space and thoughts of others.

So, out of respect for Sen. Ted Cruz, his selfish ambitions, and his dislike for Canada, he is free to come to Canada, or any Canadian embassy, fill out the legal citizenship renunciation form, and pay the $100 fee.

However…

While we Canadians don’t like to rock the boat nor curry favors from others...in this case?  I am going to have to put some caveats on his renunciation prior to it going forward.

You see?

The Democrats in America know that Cruz has two, maybe three citizenships, and because of that, even the most tannin of tea partiers will not vote for him in the primaries.  However, Democrats would like nothing more than to see an unelectable Ted Cruz get the Republican nomination in 2016.

If the Democrats and the Obama administration want us to allow him to renounce his citizenship so that it bolsters his bona fides among Republican primary voters, we want a little sumpin sumpin in return before allowing him to step foot into our country or into one of our embassies in order to fill out the legal and requisite paperwork.

Here are but a few items that we are demanding, and they must be done by September 1…

In any and all official U.S. government documents we want to be referred to as, Exciting and Exotic Canada.

Just for Canadians, we want you to devalue your currency so that more Canadians are able to visit your strip clubs, steal your license plates, and pee on your front lawns.

We want an airtight dome installed over Detroit so that our citizens in Windsor don’t have to suffer from the stench and the heartache emanating from the Motorless City.

We will, by Parliamentary voice vote, revoke the Canadian citizenship of Justin Bieber, and grant him American citizenship, and you must honor it.

Your Congress will by proclamation in perpetuity, make September 1st, National When Canada Influenced the United States and Made Ted Cruz Its Bitch Day.

On American FM radio stations between 6 and 9 PM on Fridays, only songs by Rush and Triumph are allowed to be played.

That motherfuckin’ Ted Cruz is a crazy insane bastard, but to me and my fellow Canadians, he’s gold.

So let’s see some bling, America…The curling stone of renunciation is on your ice.

Sincerely,

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page 

Facebook is Worried About My Social Life

Holaaaaaaaaaa friends and lovers and all the lonely people out there tonight. I’ve been noticing a trend on Facebook lately. No, not all the bitching, bragging, winning, cheap shots, lame jokes and angry status updates people are posting. Those are a given. No, I’ve noticed that Facebook is worried about me. It seems as though Facebook is worried that I’m lonely and wants to help me out.

It all started out innocently enough. Facebook thought maybe I would like to join a singles site called Zoosk. They just wanted to let me know that I don’t have to be alone. Very sweet of Facebook.

After I didn’t respond to Facebook’s offer, they decided to get a little more specific for me. Next came the Christian Singles …

I have nothing against Christians, hell I am one, but let’s just say my views are a little more moderate than what I suspect I would find at that site. Besides, I’m not a raging racist and don’t hate gay people so I think I would have a hard time finding a match.

So, Facebook gave up on that and things took a strange turn. The next item on the Love Menu was Young Women Looking for Older Men! Whoa! That escalated quickly!

While I found this to be funny, I was still not tempted to dive into the online personals world. Also, that was a little unseemly. Facebook was not to be deterred however because they clearly did their homework and hit me with something they knew I wouldn’t be able to resist ….

Okay, so they finally had my attention, but I still wasn’t sure if it would be a good idea. I would have to come up with a personal bio to post and then put together an action plan for what to do after meeting a girl online. Not to worry though, Facebook thought of that too …

Okay, flowers are always a good idea. Girls always love flowers and when you pick her up for a date giving her flowers gets things off to a nice start. Of course, I have another problem …

Right! Gotta look good for that date right! But, there’s still another problem. I’m not much on going out. I prefer a more laid back casual evening …

There we go! Dinner and a movie at home! Damn Facebook! You’ve got my whole social life all planned out! Way to go and thanks!

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Our Anniversary is Coming Up and Gifts are Encouraged!!

Cheers, and how is everyone today? Well I hope, and anyhoo…

Y’know folks?

This past Sunday on the IWS Radio Show which featured bad poetry and Mexican-Americans who get turned on by chicks who can sound like a man, Jayman and I put on one helluva two hour internet radio show.

Some of the hilarity and professional type radio brilliance came from Jayman and I; however, much of it came from our hardworking IWS Radio team.

People such as…

Bobby Kraft…Guy Ahnyurdyck…Dixie Ozark…Slyder Balzcock…Kirk Douglas…Paul Piatt, and of course, the man with no first name…Rev. Moneymaker.

But of course, what made the show a success were the guests in the chat room, and the caller-inners.

People such as…

The Lady Killer, Jesse Ferg…The Bryon with a Y lovin’, Nurse Sherri…Our newest American Luis, and his hilarious wife Michelle…A fun-loving, non-gay man from Northern California, one Brown Beasely…and of course…

That North of the Border Hot Mess of Disorder, the uber-lovely Canadian, Jamie…who was listening from her bed, and as far as Jay and I could tell and/or imagined, she was naked while doing so.

Yeah that’s great and all that Matt-Man, but what is your point?

My point is…

While I enjoy doing the show every Sunday with Jayman, yesterday I had FUN doing the show because we had great callers, great chat room guests, and THAT, is a recipe for fun, and I am sure that Jayman feels the same way.

Jayman and I can do a show and banter quasi-wittingly amongst ourselves for 120 minutes, but it is always more fun when people chime in.

You see?  If people don’t chime in during our show, it poses the age-old question.

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around, does it make a noise?  Likewise…

If Jay and I do a radio show, and nobody joins in, was the only noise created, that of our own voices?  Yes!! And really?  Who wants that?

Nobody.  Not even Tiffany Dupont nor a falling tree in a forest that makes no sound…or something, but anyhoo…

So folks, at long last, here is my point.

This Sunday, August 25th from Noon-2 PM ET on IWS Radio, Jayman and I will be celebrating the end of our third season on Blog Talk Radio, and we’d like your help.

We want you to help us fill the chat room.  We want anyone and everyone to call-in; we’d like you to record and send to us your words of encouragement or disdain, and we want to have one helluva send off to season number three of IWS Radio.

Help a couple of bruthas out, as we celebrate season three and look forward to season four, but…

Just don’t sound like Schmoop when doing so, because as she said to me early Sunday morning…

“Oh Dear God!!  There’s Going to be a Season Four!!?”

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Bad Backs, Bad Poetry and Weed

Well I tweaked my back once again. It’s nothing major just an annoying stiffness and minor pain. I can get around fine as long as I alternate between standing, sitting and lying down.

While I was lying on my bed this afternoon I suddenly realized something. I don’t have any access to drugs. Like some Vicodin or OxyContin or Percocet or any of that good stuff. How the hell did this happen to me? How did I end up in situation where I have NO friends or acquaintances that could just hand me a little baggie and say “Here dude. This will help.” 

When I first injured my back quite badly a few years ago, I had several coworkers who offered to “help me out” with some meds. They would just have their cousins bring some of the “good stuff” up from Mexico when they came to visit for the weekend. I said “no thanks” because I was getting a good supply of Vicodin and muscle relaxants from the quacks doctors at the downtown San Antonio clinic that my insurance thought I should share with all the pregnant teenagers, homeless people and hookers.

A few people were pretty sure that all I needed to do was to begin smoking weed. The third shift supervisor was the first person to tell me all about how he hurt his back years earlier and the only thing that made it all better was the hippie lettuce.

I wasn’t all that surprised by the dude, he had a wallet with a marijuana leaf on it. But, the sweet little Vietnamese lady did surprise me when she offered to share some of her stash with me. She was pretty much the last person in the whole building that I would have suspected to be a pot head. And here I thought she was just naturally funny.

And there were SEVERAL people who told me that all I needed to do was to get some Holy Water and rub that on my back and it would be cured. I wasn’t sure how to acquire this magical clear, watery substance. I figured getting a hold of this stuff wasn’t as risky as trying to buy some OxyContin or something. Turns out I was wrong. You actually have to go to a Catholic Church to get it. I guess they sell it in the gift shop?

So I checked online and found that I can buy three bottles of Jordan River Holy Water for only $32.97.

Holy shit! That stuff is expensive. I think pot is cheaper than that.

After a little more searching I found that I could get it a little cheaper at Discount Catholic Products. I don’t know why I find that funny, but I do. If someone shows up at mass with a discount crucifix that they bought online and not in the church gift shop, will he or she be looked down upon? Is discount Holy Water kind of like buy “Always Save” canned veggies? Does God care if you paid full price or not? Probably not, but I do wonder if he has any rules against Methodists using holy water? He’s been known to be kind of picky.  

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

In case you missed it Sunday’s Bad Poetry Show on IWS Radio was EPIC! Lots of awesomely bad poetry from correspondents and others PLUS calls from Brown Beasely, Nurse Sherri and our favorite Canadian Jamie!! Aaaaaaaaand the newest American Luis the Ice Man and Mrs. Luis came on the show too! You gotta check this one out … 

More Comedy Podcasts at Blog Talk Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

IWS Person of the Week...Luis Guerrero

Cheers and Hola Mi Amigos, it's time for the IWS Person of the Week...

"Hopping the fence or wading the Rio Grande River isn't part of America's immigration process."

--Ted Nugent (R-Draft Dodger Universe)

“We could also electrify this wire (on the border) with the kind of current that would not kill somebody, but it would simply be a discouragement for them to be fooling around with it. We do that with livestock all the time.”

Rep. Steve King (R-IA)

"Do you know the rate of military enlistment among Hispanics is higher than any demographic in this country?"

--Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX)

Than what the hell is your reason, Mr. Cruz and Mr. King, for stalling immigration of "livestock" type folks who want to help defend this country and contribute??

Our friend Luis has this week, proven that immigration, whether initially an illegal thing or not, is a good thing.

And Luis is now officially an American citizen.  Which means two things to us here at IWS Radio.

We are incredibly proud of him, and now we know that he will be around forever in order that we can secretly put signs on the back of his ice truck as he unknowingly pulls away!!  

And if that right there isn't funny enough for ya, tune into IWS Radio today from Noon-2 PM ET as Jay and Matt celebrate National Bad Poetry Day!!  

Many of our correspondents have their poems ready for you and we will talk to, Party Marty Live from Chicago, Nurse Sherri with a polemics offering, and of course, the Man of the Hour, or in this case, the Week...Luis!!

You can catch us LIVE today from Noon-PM by clicking HERE!!

Matt Said Jay Said 7-5-7

Matt rhymes, Jay free verses, You just don’t get it.

Matt: I’m here you big stud!
Jay: You got me anytime you want me big boy!
Matt: Who you calling “boy” bud?
Jay: YOU!
Matt: I’m a grown-ass man.
Jay: You don’t act like.
Matt: That’s not the point!
Jay: Oh, okay.
Matt: Like you’re “Mr. Mature!”
Jay: That’s a great nickname for me.
Matt: Or maybe “Mr. NOT Mature”
Jay: Pffffffffffffftttttt!
Matt: See!
Jay: Oh hey!
Matt: What?
Jay: Bryan Fischer says Obama was photoshopped into the Situation Room Photo
Matt: Oh I know! What a moron.
Jay: RIGHT? You can’t trust people who spell Bryan with a “Y.”
Matt: Nooooo Nor people who add a superfluous “C” to Fisher.
Jay: Exactly. Can’t believe the cable channels haven’t called us on this one.
Matt: I know! We were there so we know Obama was in the room…

Jay: Just another example of us not getting our due.
Matt: All I get is “payment due!”
Jay: Hey-OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Matt: My pain fuels my humor.
Jay: That it does.
Matt: Happy people are never funny.
Jay: No, they’re too busy bragging about how happy they are.
Matt: So damn boring.
Jay: IKR? All that cheeriness gets old fast.
Matt: And, they can’t be great comedians, writers or poets if they’re happy.
Jay: Exactly! Nothing to push the creativity out of them.
Matt: Just happy little boring blobs is all they are.
Jay: Well, they can be potaters.
Matt: What are potaters?
Jay: Bad poets who think they’re good.
Matt: Do you know any potaters?
Jay: Jewel
Matt: Ohhhhh yeahhhhhhhh!

Matt: Speaking of bad poetry …
Jay: And we were
Matt: Sunday is National Bad Poetry Day!
Jay: Well then!
Matt: Right??!!
Jay: All of our correspondents can record some poetry
Matt: It’ll be a beautiful thing.
Jay: And maybe some Tumbr poetry
Matt: And Facebook poetry
Jay: This is gonna be awesome!
Matt: And you know what else?
Jay: There’s MORE?!
Matt: Luis the Ice Man took the Oath and is an American!
Jay: He’s got to come on the show then.
Matt: He will!
Jay: Awesome!!!
Matt: Oh this is gonna be HUGE!
Jay: What a monster show!
Matt: I can’t wait!
Jay: Me either!

Be sure to catch “Bad Poetry in Motion” on IWS Radio Sunday at 12 Noon ET!!!