Holaaaaaaaaaaaaa football fans! As I write (okay, type) this the NFL Hall of Fame game is being played between Dallas and Miami. Yes, it is almost time for football again. We’ll get few preseason games, then opening weekend of college football where I watch football from 11 am until around 12 midnight and refuse to apologize for it and then it will be NFL season again. I know you’re probably wondering who is going to be good and who is going to suck this season. Well, wonder no more cause I’m here to expertly break down every single team in the league for you.
NFC South:
Atlanta Falcons: OVER-RATED *CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP* OVER-RATED
Carolina Panthers: Could either be much better or still sucky.
New Orleans Saints: WHO DAT?! My #1 Team. Great offense. Shitty Defense.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Probably shitty, but awesome cheerleaders…
AFC South:
Houston Texans: My #2 Team. Solid, but can’t quite get it done.
Indianapolis Colts: Insufferable.
Jacksonville Jaguars: They fucking suck.
Tennessee Titans: Not bad, but nobody cares much about them.
AFC North:
Baltimore Ravens: Very good but probably won’t repeat.
Cincinnati Bengals: Not too bad w/ Ginger Ninja at QB
Cleveland Browns: Poor Cleveland. They deserve so much better.
Pittsburgh Steelers: 8-8 team that gets enough weirdly great calls from refs to win 10.
NFC North:
Chicago Bears: OVER-RATED *CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP* OVER-RATED
Detroit Lions: You think the city is a disaster, get a load of these guys.
Green Bay Packers: Underachievers led by Aaron Rogers who is a shitty teammate.
Minnesota Vikings: As average, boring and predictable as the NFL itself.
NFC East:
Dallas Cowboys: They're actually pretty good, but ... Romo.
NY Football Giants: Who knows? Probably good.
Philadelphia Eagles: Might be exciting but probably suck.
Washington Racial Slurs: I will watch RG3 every week.
AFC East:
Buffalo: I’m so sorry y’all. Another city that deserves better. Or do they?
Miami Dolphis: Slightly better than averagely shitty.
New England Patriots: Trending downward.
New York Jets: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AFC West:
Denver Broncos: Good but Manning will fuck it up again somehow.
Kansas City Chiefs: Fuck ‘em.
Oakland Raiders: Combined IQ of all players = 72
San Diego Chargers: Who cares when you have cheerleaders like these…
NFC West:
Arizona Cardinals: Are they still in the league?
San Francisco 49ers: Best team in the NFL. Crazy good.
Seattle Seahawks: Very good team. Fans are HUGE whiners though.
St. Louis Rams: The usual shit.
So there you go folks. You won’t get this level of NFL team analysis anywhere else. Time to head to Vegas cause you know everything you need about each team now. You’re welcome.
In other news, we threw a HUGE surprise Birthday Party for President Obama on IWS yesterday. It was a freaking blast too! Lots of people wishing Obama a happy birthday including Kanye West, Lady Ga Ga, John McCain, Thomas Jefferson, John Q Adams and a couple of dozen more! Plus we made many attempts to call important people. Listen to hear how those turned out…
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Also, bonus smoking-hot Tamp Cheerleader ...
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