So What Else is In the News?

Holaaaaaaaaaaa y’all! Well, let’s see what’s happening in the news …

- ESPN said they will not take disciplinary action* against on-air talent Stephen A. Smith after his offensive comments about women provoking domestic violence. Instead the network will punish Smith by forcing him to continue to have to work with Skip Bayless every weekday.

- Whoopie Goldberg said on ABC’s “The View” that people often believe they have some special right to tough or grab celebrities and that just isn’t right. In response to Goldberg’s comment, co-host Jenny McCarthy spent the rest of the show holding a finger two inches from Whoopie saying “I’m not touching youuuuuuuu …. I’m not touching youuuuuuuu.”

- A new poll shows that 86.5% of Israelis don’t want a ceasefire and want the IDF to continue its assault on Gaza. Further questioning found that most of people simply want it all done before the NFL season starts in September.

- This one time … at band camp … The director of the Ohio State marching band was treating band members horribly, berating them, calling them names, threatening them and knew about, but did nothing to stop a “highly sexualized culture” inside the band and … and … GOT HIS ASS FIRED FOR IT.

- Controversy erupted last week as Arizona became the latest state to botch an execution. Witnesses say that Joseph Wood “gasped and snorted” for more than an hour after the lethal injection chemicals were administered. When asked for comment governor Jan Brewer said “To be fair, I was gasping and snorting too. I mean, the whole thing was really pretty hilarious.”

- LeBron James announced that he will be going back to his old number 23 which he wore during his first stint with Cleveland. Former NBA great Michael Jordan announced the gives James his blessing to wear the number 23. Upon hear that, James said “Uh, yeah, that’s nice since nobody asked you.”

- On Sunday the New York Times editorial board came out in favor of the legalization of marijuana. The initial draft included a section that was not printed that basically said “Ohhhhhh these cupcakes are soooooooo good!! OHMYGOD! Maureen Dowd you gotta sprinkle some of that Cheetos dust on the vanilla cupcakes! It’s magical! Ohhhhhhhh yeahhhhhhhhhhh DOOOOOOOOD!”

- The White House is said to be “fuming” over Israel’s criticisms of Secretary of State John Kerry. Actually, they’re just embarrassed because it all started with the standard “Why the long face John?” Then it turned out his feelings had actually been hurt by Israel and now everyone feels bad.

- A new recommendation this week says that Orthodox Jews with herpes should stop applying “direct oral suction” to baby’s penises during the traditional bris. After reading this report another group recommended this week that NOBODY apply “direct oral suction” to ANY baby’s penis at any time.

- A Ukrainian woman named Ekaterima Parkhomento posted selfies on her Instagram this week claiming to be wearing eye liner she looted from the wreckage of fight MH17. While most people were outraged by Ekaterima’s actions they mostly all agreed that she looked really great and could totally be a model.

- Fox News reported this week that “illegal immigrants protest outside White House, with little fear of repercussions.” Said Fox News president Roger Ailes “it’s almost like this has become a free country with some kind of silly right to petition the government or something.”

- Former Ohio governor Ted Strickland tried to live on minimum wage for a week and found that he couldn’t do it. In his official statement Strickland said “Thank God this was just a political stunt and I’m not really poor cause that would suck so hard.”

- And finally Sarah Palin launched her very own internet channel this week. This will allow Sarah’s followers and fans unfiltered access to all her thoughts and opinions on the big issues of the day. The cost for access to the new channel is $99.95 a year or $9.95 a month. When asked about the pricing plan a spokesperson for Palin said “Let’s be honest here, given her history I would go with the monthly plan if I were you.”

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*Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, they suspended him for a whole week. Whatever! I’m not letting that ruin a good Skip Bayless joke.

Bad Backs, Bad Poetry and Weed

Well I tweaked my back once again. It’s nothing major just an annoying stiffness and minor pain. I can get around fine as long as I alternate between standing, sitting and lying down.

While I was lying on my bed this afternoon I suddenly realized something. I don’t have any access to drugs. Like some Vicodin or OxyContin or Percocet or any of that good stuff. How the hell did this happen to me? How did I end up in situation where I have NO friends or acquaintances that could just hand me a little baggie and say “Here dude. This will help.” 

When I first injured my back quite badly a few years ago, I had several coworkers who offered to “help me out” with some meds. They would just have their cousins bring some of the “good stuff” up from Mexico when they came to visit for the weekend. I said “no thanks” because I was getting a good supply of Vicodin and muscle relaxants from the quacks doctors at the downtown San Antonio clinic that my insurance thought I should share with all the pregnant teenagers, homeless people and hookers.

A few people were pretty sure that all I needed to do was to begin smoking weed. The third shift supervisor was the first person to tell me all about how he hurt his back years earlier and the only thing that made it all better was the hippie lettuce.

I wasn’t all that surprised by the dude, he had a wallet with a marijuana leaf on it. But, the sweet little Vietnamese lady did surprise me when she offered to share some of her stash with me. She was pretty much the last person in the whole building that I would have suspected to be a pot head. And here I thought she was just naturally funny.

And there were SEVERAL people who told me that all I needed to do was to get some Holy Water and rub that on my back and it would be cured. I wasn’t sure how to acquire this magical clear, watery substance. I figured getting a hold of this stuff wasn’t as risky as trying to buy some OxyContin or something. Turns out I was wrong. You actually have to go to a Catholic Church to get it. I guess they sell it in the gift shop?

So I checked online and found that I can buy three bottles of Jordan River Holy Water for only $32.97.

Holy shit! That stuff is expensive. I think pot is cheaper than that.

After a little more searching I found that I could get it a little cheaper at Discount Catholic Products. I don’t know why I find that funny, but I do. If someone shows up at mass with a discount crucifix that they bought online and not in the church gift shop, will he or she be looked down upon? Is discount Holy Water kind of like buy “Always Save” canned veggies? Does God care if you paid full price or not? Probably not, but I do wonder if he has any rules against Methodists using holy water? He’s been known to be kind of picky.  

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In case you missed it Sunday’s Bad Poetry Show on IWS Radio was EPIC! Lots of awesomely bad poetry from correspondents and others PLUS calls from Brown Beasely, Nurse Sherri and our favorite Canadian Jamie!! Aaaaaaaaand the newest American Luis the Ice Man and Mrs. Luis came on the show too! You gotta check this one out … 

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