Funny Headlines Have Returned Yet Again!

Holaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! It’s time for more headlines!!! Yayyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!

LeBron James says he belongs on the Mt. Rushmore of the NBA. When asked where it is replies “Damn, I don’t know … Colorado?”

CDC says 2,739 American women have injured themselves trying to dace like Beyoncé did at the Grammy’s.

President Obama laughs uncontrollably as he can’t stop making “short jokes” at Vladimir Putin’s expense.

NFL prospect Michael Sam clarifies his announcement that he’s gay: “I’m more ‘Rock Hudson’ gay, not ‘Johnny Weir’ gay.

Pope Francis says it’s important to love the homeless. Homeless say that’s nice but “we can’t buy 211’s with love, man.”

Men’s Doubles Luge outlawed in Kansas.

Ted Cruz demands to know if Obama pronounces it “tomato” or “tomahto” before committing to one side or the other.

In shocking development, talk radio caller remembers to turn down his radio first.

Area woman is sick and tired of men with “scruffy beards.”

Sad, lonely man puts up a good front pretending not to care about Valentine’s Day.

Male prostitute uses hidden shotgun in the headboard trick to rob johns.

Rand Paul missed the debt ceiling vote because we out trying to find the perfect Valentine’s Day gift to give himself.

President Obama still angry over not winning any southern states in 2012 orders up a series of winter storms as punishment.

Americans intrigued by Olympic Curling say it could become popular here if it can be made more violent.

Arkansas County Quorum Court finds laws to be too confusing so everyone just goes home.

CNN gets into the scripted show business because nobody gives a shit about the news anyway.

Amanda Knox turns down sweet job offer as tour guide for Perillo Tours of Italy.

Comcast and Time Warner Cable agree to a merger promise half the service and quality with twice the shittiness.

New Yorkers angry that Mayor de Blasio didn’t order schools closed during snowstorm. De Blasio replies “Who knew Al Roker would be right?”

Facebook announces users will have 50 gender options. “Other” not one of them.

2014 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition to be delivered with some pages “pre-stuck together.”

Area man can’t explain why he finds curling so damn fascinating, he just does.

Okay, that’s enough.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Saying Goodbye to Jay Leno on MSJS

Matt: Holaaaaaaaaaaa!
Jay: Cheers!!!
Matt: How the hell are ya?
Jay: I’m cold dammit! That’s how I am!
Matt: YOU’RE COLD? Try shoveling snow every other day.
Jay: You enjoy that shit.
Matt: Enjoy-ED! Past tense buddy. This is bullshit!
Jay: You got that right.
Matt: I’m tired of 20 layers of clothes.
Jay: And wondering if the car will start.
Matt: And frozen ears, noses and fingers.
Jay: And shriveled up ball sacks.
Matt: We could have done without that visual.
Jay: Gotta let the people know how bad it is.
Matt: Well, true dat. How’s your parking lot?
Jay: Tara Lipinski could do a skating routine on it.
Matt: That would be fun to see.

Jay: Oh dude! Speaking of the Olympics…
Matt: Were we?
Jay: Kind of.
Matt: Okay, carry on then.
Jay: Ludmila Privivkova isn’t on the Russian Curling team this time!
Matt: Oh no!!!
Jay: IKR? I’m devastated.
Matt: What happened?
Jay: I guess she got too old and couldn’t keep up.
Matt: Sports is brutal on people as they age.
Jay: Yeah, curling is probably hard on the knees.
Matt: And the elbows and wrists pushing that broom so hard.
Jay: Sad to see the greats leave the game though.
Matt: True. Hey, did she ever approve your Facebook friend request?
Jay: No!
Matt: So rude!
Jay: IKR? That’s okay though, I dumped her.
Matt: Oh really? For whom?
Jay: I sent her replacement Anna Sidorova a friend request today.
Matt: Well done sir!

Jay: Well it only makes sense to do that right before Valentine’s Day.
Matt: You make a good point.
Jay: Just like it only makes sense to talk love and shit this week on IWS.
Matt: Dude! You’re on a roll!
Jay: We really need to blow the lid of this bullshit V-Day crap.
Matt: Oh we’re going too!
Jay: Drew Peacock might have some thoughts on it.
Matt: You know Paul Piatt does.
Jay: Pfffffttt … V-Day is made for him!
Matt: And Slyder is covering the Olympics.
Jay: Of course! We MIGHT have a Smug report too.
Matt: That would be nice. Also? Aunt Jackie might do a song!
Jay: She as the voice of an angel dude!
Matt: That she does.
Jay: Buddy Acapella should do something too.
Matt: A medley of bad love songs.
Jay: That is freaking brilliant!
Matt: Word.
Jay: I’m sure we can get Bobby Kraft to chime in.
Matt: And Schmoop
Jay: And who knows what else we’ll come up with.
Matt: Our imagination knows no bounds.
Jay: True dat.
Matt: Damn this show is gonna RAWK!
Jay: I can’t wait!
Matt: Me either!

Also, Matt-Man and Jayman would like to take a moment to honor our friend and colleague Jay Leno as he ends his amazing 22 year run on the Tonight Show. Best of luck to you in the future and you have a standing invitation to join us on IWS Radio anytime you want!  

Tune into “It’s as Hot as an Oven in the Love Shack” Sunday at 8 pm ET and let’s give Valentine’s Day the treatment it deserves!

Ted Cruz is a Canadian, but His Citizenship Can be Bought

Greetings my American friends, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper here for I’m With Stupid.

I am humbly honored to have been permitted by Jay and Matt to use their mildly popular and nearly worldwide forum so that I may pontificate calmly comment upon an almost serious matter that slightly concerns both of our above average nations.

As I, like my fellow Canadians, am a polite and mild-mannered person, I have ambivalent emotions about publicly writing on what I am about to say, but…

As this is an issue of tepid importance, I feel that I must.  I mean, if that’s okay with you guys.  If it is not, please turn away now and perhaps click onto the gentle and heartfelt reflections of IWS’ very own Paul Piatt.

It seems that U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) was born within the confines of our neatly, yet not at all ostentatious borders to a Cuban father and American mother.  While some in our country would consider him to be of, dare I say, rascally lineage, Sen. Cruz while an American, does have the official status of being a Canadian citizen as well.

Now as many of you Americans know, Sen. Cruz has his Cuban/Canadian eyes on running for President in 2016, so Mr. Cruz has stated gleefully (which is an adjective that Canadians are unaccustomed to) that in order to show his oneness of patriotism to America, he would renounce his Canadian citizenship.

While to us Canadians, that could be taken as a gentle slap to our collective cheek, we as Canadians, are all about and accepting of, individuality and the personal space and thoughts of others.

So, out of respect for Sen. Ted Cruz, his selfish ambitions, and his dislike for Canada, he is free to come to Canada, or any Canadian embassy, fill out the legal citizenship renunciation form, and pay the $100 fee.

However…

While we Canadians don’t like to rock the boat nor curry favors from others...in this case?  I am going to have to put some caveats on his renunciation prior to it going forward.

You see?

The Democrats in America know that Cruz has two, maybe three citizenships, and because of that, even the most tannin of tea partiers will not vote for him in the primaries.  However, Democrats would like nothing more than to see an unelectable Ted Cruz get the Republican nomination in 2016.

If the Democrats and the Obama administration want us to allow him to renounce his citizenship so that it bolsters his bona fides among Republican primary voters, we want a little sumpin sumpin in return before allowing him to step foot into our country or into one of our embassies in order to fill out the legal and requisite paperwork.

Here are but a few items that we are demanding, and they must be done by September 1…

In any and all official U.S. government documents we want to be referred to as, Exciting and Exotic Canada.

Just for Canadians, we want you to devalue your currency so that more Canadians are able to visit your strip clubs, steal your license plates, and pee on your front lawns.

We want an airtight dome installed over Detroit so that our citizens in Windsor don’t have to suffer from the stench and the heartache emanating from the Motorless City.

We will, by Parliamentary voice vote, revoke the Canadian citizenship of Justin Bieber, and grant him American citizenship, and you must honor it.

Your Congress will by proclamation in perpetuity, make September 1st, National When Canada Influenced the United States and Made Ted Cruz Its Bitch Day.

On American FM radio stations between 6 and 9 PM on Fridays, only songs by Rush and Triumph are allowed to be played.

That motherfuckin’ Ted Cruz is a crazy insane bastard, but to me and my fellow Canadians, he’s gold.

So let’s see some bling, America…The curling stone of renunciation is on your ice.

Sincerely,

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page