Guest Post: Conflicted Feelings About the Kentucky Derby

Hello from Kentucky!

As last year’s guest blogger did such an atrocious job (yes you Justin), I decided to try my hand at exploring the rich traditions of the Kentucky Derby. I also know nothing about blogging so I stole Justin from Lexington's idea to write in letter form as well. I won't be stealing anything else from him. I don't think he has anything else of value.

In all honesty, I have vast knowledge about any large number of things. The Derby isn't one. But I do know how I feel about the beauty and the ugliness of it all. Round these parts, horse racing is serious business!  Trust me when I tell you that nothing in Kentucky is more important than horses. Except college basketball. And Bourbon. How bout them Wildcats!! Doesn't Mila Kunis look hot in all those Jim Beam ads?

But I digress. Which happens frequently.

In all honesty, the horse racing industry comes with a shit load of problems. Even simple folks like me know that it’s, well...shady. I mean, it’s almost unforgivable. In the name of tradition, race horses are routinely abused. Sure, the ones you see running in the Derby are retired to a beautiful farm in the hills surrounding Lexington, put out to stud, to live in a sexual horse heaven.

But what about the average guy, uh horse? Sadly, if he's lucky, he'll be sold to a farm somewhere and become the "dream come true" for some child. If he isn't lucky, and most aren't, he will suffer with untold injuries from his racing days and be "put out of his misery" when the next horse comes along. He could be sent to a glue factory. Glue factory? Is that true?

We here in Kentucky tend to live in a fantasy world about the true life of a horse. We imagine that these sweet, sweet animals are all going to that perfect little farm in the country. We have to think this way. To truly pull the blinds back would mean giving up our traditions and heritage. So, we refuse to address it. Arguing with a Kentucky native (which I am not, but my 35 yrs here makes me a Kentuckian at heart) about the cruelties of the horse industry is akin to challenging our "We Are College Basketball" stance. It simply isn't done.

So, this weekend as you enjoy the rich heritage and tradition of the Kentucky Derby, the Mint Juleps, the hats, the bourbon, that are on display for all to see, remember that for every Derby horse you see, there are 10,000 who will be abused. We here in Kentucky will stay oblivious to the truth. 

The "Greatest Two Minutes in Sports" would be a great way to bring a national discussion to the forefront. It won't though. I have a secret belief that the REAL issue is tied to rich men and their need to see that the best horse gets the most action in his second career. Stud fees.

Enjoy the Derby!!!

Shirley Terrell
@srtgrace

Donald Sterling: Perhaps You Didn't Think This Through Very Well

Happy Hump Day to you all and let’s get right to the stupid of things.  There are many people in this country,
the greatest country on earth mind, who are stupid as hell, and?

They should be saying to themselves…

“Maybe I didn't think this through very well.”

First up, and of course…

Donald Sterling…

The longtime owner of the Los Angeles Clippers got into a race debate with his black/Mexican mistress and told her that she shouldn’t parade herself about in the company of loser and incredibly disliked black guys like Magic Johnson at…basketball games.

Unbeknownst to him, his former mistress, V. Stiviano, who looks like a 25 year old Joan Rivers with darker skin, recorded his remarks, and has now set him down a path that will not include owning a NBA Basketball team, a condo that he gave he gave her, nor the more than a few cars that he gifted to her, but…

Does she realize that if she keeps the condo, she’ll have to pay tax on it?  She’ll have to sell the two Bentleys to pay for the condo taxes.

These two dullards didn’t think this through very well.

Cliven Bundy…

Cliven was riding high on the free grazing grass of the government teat, and then?  He bit the teat that fed him.

Oh sure, anti-government feeling is at an all-time high, however, when one pivots from state’s rights, don’t tread on me hysteria, and anti-Obama rhetoric, and then goes full blown anti-negro, one tends to lose their standing, and even loses support from Sean Hannity…at least publicly.

Good ol’ Cliven didn’t think this through very well.

Rush Limbaugh…

In reference to the aforementioned Donald Sterling/LA Clippers fiasco…Rush Limbaugh smells a rat and a rat that smells similar to what the Obama birthers smelled.

Back in 2009...Magic Johnson intentionally had a picture of him taken at a LA Dodgers game with Stiviano, knowing that in five years, that the picture of he and V. Stiviano would make Donald Sterling erupt, and therefore, ignite his racist comments, and gain Mr. Johnson access to buy the LA Clippers at a ground floor price.

Rush didn’t think this through very well.  Mainly, because he was high on Oxycontin and Viagra when he came up with this theory, but nonetheless…

Finally…

Former Knicks player and whatever with the whatever team, Larry Johnson has chimed in on the Donald Sterling brouhaha…

“Black people your (sic) focusing on the wrong thing. We should be focusing on having our own, own team, own League! To For Self!!”

Meaning of course, Larry Johnson, a black man, would prefer to go back to the year 1896 and Plessy v. Ferguson, rather than 1954 and Brown v. Board of Education.

Perhaps Larry Johnson didn't think this through very well.

Anyway, here’s the point.  People are stupid, and do stupid things, but also, when we see people do stupid things, we, as in the case of Rush Limbaugh and Larry Johnson, react stupidly.

I have many flaws, but if you ask those who know me, thinking things through and lacking patience are not among my flaws.

If those are my only two gifts, I will be happy, because those are two of the most important when it comes to getting things done and being an acceptable human being.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
My Facebook Page
Matt-Man on Twitter

Funny(ish) Headlines Never Get Old ... Right?

Holaaaaaaaaaaaa! We’re back! I know you missed us! What better way to ease back into the day-to-day grind of blogging than to do some Funny(ish) Onion-Like (not really) Headlines!

“Congressman indicted on federal criminal charges. Legal problems not expected to affect his re-election chances.”

“People shocked and appalled to find that an NBA owner who was exposed as a raging racist at least 30 years ago says something racist.”

“Vatican holds “make one guy a saint, make another free” sale.”

“From Genghis Khan to Napoleon to Francisco Franco to Vladimir Putin: A History of Short Assholes Screwing the World Up.”

“Avril Lavigne Flying High After Success of New Song ‘Hello Kitty’ off Her Latest CD, ‘Wet’s Get Cwazy!’”

“Area man with large penis wonders if social media will help him ‘get the word out.’”

“Fast Food and Snack Production Companies Prepare to Gear Up for Large Scale Marijuana Legalization.”

“Blogger Wonders How She Can Use Click Bait While Maintaining Her ‘I Write Only For Myself’ Integrity.”

“Ben Affleck: ‘I’m Going to Keep Acting in Movies and There’s Nothing You Can Do to Stop Me.’”

“Obama: ‘Did I Promise Net Neutrality? Oh Well, Sorry I’m Not Sorry.’”

“Area Republican Who Supported Cliven Bundy Offended That People Think He Supports Cliven Bundy.”

“Daniel Snyder on Donald Sterling: ‘Now THAT’S a Racist!’”

“High School Boy Apologizes to His Family in Advance for His Upcoming Career as a Ventriloquist.”

“Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Inquire About Adopting Lupita Nyong’o.”

“Area Man Apologizes to Other Men for Participating in ‘Meatless Mondays.’”

“Actress Shailene ‘Boner Killer’ Woodley Says She Likes to ‘Dance Around with Hairy Armpits.’”

“Illegal Aliens Relived to Discover They’re Exempt From Obamacare.”

“Nancy Grace Struggling to Find Things to Talk About on Her Show Blames Lack of Missing White Women.”

“Very Lonely, Average-Looking Woman Convinced Every Man She Meets Wants Her.”

“Doctors Declare Miley Cyrus’ Tongue Cured. Release Her From Hospital.”

“Legendary Playboy George Clooney Gets Engaged! ‘I’m Getting Old and Have Nothing Left to Live For Anyway’ Says Clooney.”

Aaaaaaaaaaaand that’s enough.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Friend me on Facebook
Follow me on Twitter

Haters Gonna Hate, But IWS Radio Loves

Cheeeeers Bitches, and a Happy Monday to you all!!

Let me tell ya.  Yesterday?  Rev. Moneymaker doubled down on his love for sacramental wine and his abhorration for people who sit in judgment.

Joshua captivated us with a review of a new movie starring Robin Williams.

Paul Piatt got a little freaky and was less than courteous to other writers.

Cliven Bundy explained his moochiness and racism, and Bobby Kraft gave us all the 411 on small talk, and not to do it.  Mmmmmm-kay!?

Seriously…

If you you missed yesterday’s IWS Radio show LIVE, you can catch it all right here, and please do so, before our vegan correspondent (whom you can hear) Brock Lee falls over from lack of protein…

George Clooney is Engaged AND Person of the Week!

The IWS Person of the Week for this week is Academy Award winning actor, director and producer George Clooney!

In addiction to that, Clooney is well known to be one of the most politically astute and connected people in America!

And, he's an activist putting himself on the line protesting wrongs all over the world!

Aaaaaaaaaand he's a HUGE Barack Obama supporter! So much so that he actually got into a huge shouting match with casino magnate Steve Wynn and WALKED OUT ON HIM!! OMG!

Most of all George is known for his playboy lifestyle that includes dating some of the hottest women in the world and owning mansions and exotic cars and all that awesome stuff that super damn rich people get to do. But, he has shocked the world by actually getting engaged! He is now engaged to London lawyer Amal Alamuddin!

Of course George wouldn't get engaged to just any lawyer. She's a graduate of Oxford and NYU Law and is an expert in international law and even represented WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange AND she is fluent in English, French and of course, Arabic.

Well done George! And congrats on your PotW honor!

Aaaaaaaaand don't forget to tune into IWS Radio at 12 Noon ET on Sunday to hear us rant against all the people we've had enough of on "Hipsters, Hippies and Hacks!" This show is gonna rock!

Matt Said, Jay Said...(270) 554-1123

Matt rages.  Jay steams.  You recoil with anger.

Matt:  Hello Jayman…How are you?
Jay:  How did you know it was me?
Matt:  Who else would it be?
Jay:  It could have been a stranger calling in.
Matt:  But this is a private show call.  Who else would know?
Jay:  That British bitch from BTR.
Matt:  I suppose that she would know.
Jay:  I hate her.
Matt:  I do too.

Jay:  You know who else I hate?
Matt:  Who?
Jay:  Hipsters.
Matt:  I’m not sure if I am completely clear as to what defines one as a hipster.
Jay:  Well if you aren’t sure, you probably ARE one!!
Matt:  Oh dear.
Jay:  Oh dear is right, Mr. Hipster.

Matt:  I really can’t stand vegans.  In fact, they suck.
Jay:  They suck big time.  You know who else sucks?
Matt:  Who might that be?
Jay:  Hippies.
Matt:  I dunno, there are good hippies and bad hippies.
Jay:  Ya think?
Matt:  I’m pretty sure.
Jay:  Hey…Y’know what?
Matt:  Lay it on me.

Jay:  We could do a show about our hate for hipsters and hippies.
Matt:  Sounds good but hate should come in threes.
Jay:  Good point Mr. Alliteration…hmmmmm…HACKS!!
Matt:  I definitely do hate hacks.
Jay:  Hipsters, Hippies, and Hacks Oh My!!
Matt:  Brilliant!!
Jay:  I know, right?

Matt:  It should be pretty easy to fill two hours discussing persons and groups of people we hate.
Jay:  Pfffffffffffft…We could do that every week and never be done.
Matt:  Paul Piatt has long list of literary hacks.
Jay:  And there are comedic hacks and a slew of Judgy McJudgerson’s out there.
Matt:  And Vegans!!
Jay and Matt:  Ewwwwwwwwwwwww.

Jay:  I’m sure Rev. Moneymaker and Bobby Kraft have some hate in their gentle souls as well.
Matt:  Guy Ahnyurdyck and Cliven Bundy may have a few words as well.
Jay:  Cliven?  He’s not going to use the “N-word” is he?
Matt:  He might utter negro.
Jay:  He’s a dick.
Matt:  Of course he is.

Jay:  We should probably have Schmoop on at some point.  She hates everything and everyone.
Matt:  Don’t I know it.
Jay:  I tell you what…this Sunday?  Hate will never sound so funny.
Matt:  We are going to crush it.
Jay:  And crush the loathsome people of this earth.

To join Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio team LIVE tomorrow from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio you can click right HERE.

Hate Out!!   

Jesus Put us on Hold ...

We opened the "Jesus Christ: Tan, Rested and Ready"  show with our brand new intro that features the one and only Warrior Kat and finally acknowledges our favorite Canadian in an appropriate way. We followed that up with a little witty banter between Matt and Jay and then we were off to the races!

Jay had an unfortunate experience at the People Pleasing Place

Matt had to deal with a couple of YAY-hoos at the Beer Mine

We did “The Resurrection” lead by Matt-Man of course

We talked about Easters past, present and future

Jessie Ferg joined us in the chat room.

We attempted to call the John Hagee prayer line and got put on hold

We attempted to call the TBN prayer line and GOT PUT ON HOLD!

We attempted to call the Israeli Embassy in D.C. to get a Passover update (didn’t go well)

We attempted to call the Vatican’s embassy in D.C. (went even worse and was downright hurtful)

Gave up on the pros and called a Taco Bell in Bagwine, OH asking for a little prayer and it didn’t go well. Katie was sweet, but apparently not into Jesus.

Tried to get a prayer from the King of King’s Burger King, but got HUNG UP ON!!!

Heard from a DRUNK Rev Moneymaker

Jesus Christ did a stand-up comedy routine from Ha Ha’s in Haifa, Israel

Phil Diller did stand-up from Temple Beth Israel in West Palm Beach, Florida

Paul Piatt got all fancy on us with an Easter poem in Latin.

And Schmoop joined Jay to simply gross him out by covering her chili dogs with Cole Slaw.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand OMG! Sooooooo much more!!!! Check it out!!!

                                

                                                                          

   

IWS Person of the Week...Lepus Curpaeums

Happy Easter everyone.  In honor of this most joyous day of messianic resurrection, the staff of IWS Radio is proud to name the person who is responsible for this celebration made possible, today's IWS Person of the Week.

The Easter Bunny, or as we refer to him at IWS Radio HQ...

The Lepus Curpaeums Who Saved Jesus!!

For centuries after rescuing our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ from a tomb of obscurity, the Easter Bunny has continued to work miracles and spread the gospel of Jesus joy to millions of children.  Children such as these two adorable ragamuffins...

And this precocious scalawag...

Some children initially rebuke the Easter Bunny's message of truth and righteousness...

But in the end, they too, come to love him...

So here's to Lepus Curpaeums also known as The Easter Bunny, The Reason for the Season, and now known as, The IWS Person of the Week.  Congrats!!

IWS Easter joy doesn't end with this post.  Oh Hell No!!  Join Jay, Matt, and the entire IWS Radio team as we celebrate Easter LIVE today from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio.

Rev. Moneymaker, Paul Piatt, Phil Diller and Jesus Christ will be on hand as they throw down the funny. Annnnnnnd, even bigger than Christ himself?  Guy Ahnyurdyck interviews the Easter Bunny.  That's quality entertainment at a fair price right there!!

Jay and Matt will also being calling prayer lines as well as various foreign embassies including the Vatican so they can wish Pope Francis a Happy Easter.

All that plus your calls today LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET on the IWS Radio.

Celebrate the Christ with us LIVE today by clicking HERE.

MSJS Easter Extravaganza

Jay evangelizes, Matt sermonizes You nod off a bit.

Jay: What?
Matt: Huh?
Jay: Did you start
Matt: Start what?
Jay: That was a fast minute
Matt: What?
Jay: HOLAAAAAAAAAAAA
Matt: CHEERS!
Jay: How the hell are ya?
Matt: I’m freaking great!
Jay: That’s great to hear.
Matt: You know why?
Jay: Because Jesus loves you?
Matt: You’re GOT-DAMMED right he does!
Jay: Abso-freaking-lutely! He loves me too.
Matt: Well … probably.
Jay: Hey now!
Matt: I’m kidding! Jesus loves everyone.
Jay: Not everyone. He probably doesn’t love Vladimir Putin.
Matt: Good point.
Jay: We should call him.
Matt: Let’s do it!

Jay: OMG! Lent is almost over.
Matt: I can’t wait!
Jay: Me either.
Matt: It’s been a long haul.
Jay: It sure has
Matt: I’m gonna eat bread all day!
Jay: It’ll be a Yeast Feast!
Matt: I might get Adult Onset Celiac Disease
Jay: It’s gonna be a great day.
Matt: Yeah … Hey wait!
Jay: What?
Matt: What did you give up for Lent again?
Jay: Well, it’s complicated
Matt: Uh-huh
Jay: It’s all about being a better person
Matt: Well, did you do it?
Jay: Yeah, pretty much. I think so.
Matt: Good job then!
Jay: Thanks!

Matt: So an Easter Extravaganza on Sunday?
Jay: Of course!
Matt: We should call the Pope.
Jay: Ask him how Easter is shaping up?
Matt: And maybe the Israelis
Jay: Of course! Make sure they’re having a happy Passover
Matt: OHHHHH! Remember when Guy interviewed the Easter Bunny?
Jay: Oh yeah! We should find that and play it again.
Matt: “Classic IWS”
Jay: Good call. Rev Moneymaker will be there.
Matt: And Paul Piatt and stand up w/ Phil Diller
Jay: And even more stand up w/ Jesus on stage at Ha-Ha’s in Haifa!
Matt: I bet he nails that show!
Jay: I hope he doesn’t …. DIEEEEEE!
Matt and Jay: HEY-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Matt: And, I have a list of prayer lines we can call.
Jay: We need more prayer in our lives.
Matt: Everyone does
Jay: So let’s give it to them
Matt: In Jesus’ name
Jay: AMEN!

Be sure to catch “Jesus Christ: Tan, Rested and Ready” on IWS Radio this Sunday at 12 Noon ET!!!

Jesus Christ: Dead Man Walking and Carrying a Cross

It’s Good Friday so let’s have some laughs.

I mean, if we weren't supposed to have fun on this Day of Jeebus’ Crucifixion, they would have called it something else.

Something such as, Bad Friday…Bloody Friday…or perhaps…

Is Your Fucked Up Sister Coming Over for Easter Dinner Again This Year? Friday.

Nope. It’s Good Friday, or as I refer to it, Holy Week Happy Hour™ So, drink up bitches, the laughs and IWS frivolity are on me.

As I have pointed out this week, Hayzoos was one funny Messianic Mo-Foe. 

Facing certain death, did not dull JC’s spear tipped wit.

When the Romans came to escort him to his demise, he told them:

“I can’t go until I do LX Push-Ups and do my XXX minute Pontius Pilates workout, LOL. I wanna be able to push away that big stone later. LOL.”

And then Jeebus spoke to a couple of the Centurions:

“Hey boys, I had the strangest dream last night. God was speaking to me and kept calling me Moses.
I said, "Father, my name is Jesus, not Moses, yet God kept calling me Moses, Moses, Moses..."

I finally said to him, "My God, my God, why have you mistaken me? LOL."

Yeah baby, JC’s stand-up act was kickin’ ass to the end. He even turned his Heavenly Hilarity onto one of the condemning Rabbis:

“Yo, Rabbi, what’s the difference between a horny pig and a Pharisee? A horny pig eats pork. Bada Bing, Bitches. LOL.”

Once at Golgotha, and getting readied to be hung up, J-Mac entertained the crowd by doing one of his now famous Knock-Knock jokes…

Like the one he told to the onlookers, using Simon as his straight man:

Knock-Knock…Who’s There? God…God Who? Goddam this is gonna hurt!! LOL.
He brought the crowd down with that one and then had a request. He shouted to Andrew:

“Yo, ‘Drew-Dawg…Get this party started by throwing on some Crucifixion music. Throw on that song that I like so much.”

With that, Andrew played this, centuries later, IWS Classic: 

After the Romans nailed JC to the cross, and firmly planted the crucifix into the hillside, Jeebus got in one last zinger:

“I’m just glad that the KKK has yet to be invented, because they’d set this crucifix on fire, and I’d end up with Hot Cross Buns. LOL”

And with that, the crowd laughed, Jeebus looked skyward, and simply said, “Tetelestai”.

And so it was…

I hope you party your asses off during Good Friday, because living without sin is what it is all about.  Be safe, have fun, and enjoy your Easter Weekend.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com

@mattman_iws

My Facebook Page

I Really Don't Care

Holaaaaaaaaaaaa! Every single day my Facebook feed is full of deep thoughts, angst, bitching, inspirational quotes and lots and lots of anger. People are so worked up over so many different things. This has made me realize that there are lots of issues out there that I really don’t give a shit about.

Politicians who cheat on their spouses:  Politicians do way worse things every single day of their lives than cheating on their spouses. Adultery is a private issue and we don’t really have a right to know if our elected official is cheating on his/her spouse. It doesn’t tell us anything about his/her abilities or effectiveness as administrators. Besides, just knowing someone “cheated” doesn’t tell us the whole story and without the whole story we don’t know squat.

Immigration: OMG THERE’S BROWN PEOPLE POURING OVER THE BOARDER EVERY SINGLE DAY COMING HERE TO MURDER AND RAPE AND PILLAGE!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!! The people who DEMAND that illegal immigrants assimilate are the same ones who want to keep them out of public school which is where they would learn to assimilate. The reason we have the disaster of an immigration problem we have now is because everyone is either “nobody” or “everybody” gets in and neither side will budge. So, whatever.

Women making .77 cents to every $1 a man makes (allegedly):  Well, they don’t really. I mean sure, on average that’s probably the case, but if you’re comparing women and men in the same job with same experience and same hours worked each year, it’s not that low. Do I think women should get paid the same for the same work? Of course I do. But, the real problem is women aren’t encouraged to go into science, computer and engineering fields where the best paying jobs are.

Affirmative Action: Am I on the losing end of AA? Yup. Do I care? Maybe I should, but I really don’t.

People getting gov’t “hand-outs” who don’t DESERVE them: Are there people gaming the system? Absolutely. Should we do something to stop this? Of course! Are we doing anything about it? Fuck no! Just cutting social programs doesn’t do anything to the people who are beating the system. They’ll beat the system as long as the system stays the same. Cutting funding just kicks the honest people out of the system. Also, if you’re just spittin’ mad over undeserving people getting gov’t handouts, but never mention rich corporations getting tax subsidies or rich people getting farm subsidies even though all they own is forty acres of dirt, then leave me the hell alone with your bitching.

Reality TV (other than “Swamp People” and “Mountain Men” of course): Oh look! Fake, scripted drama on TV! If it isn’t a show with real writers and real actors then I really don’t care. I’m all for lowbrow entertainment and have no problem with anyone who does enjoy these shows. The only thing I ask is that you not act as if this shit is real. Please?

The deficit:  The deficit isn’t the problem. The problem is there aren’t good-paying enough jobs. More jobs means more people paying taxes which means more revenue which means lower deficits. Ask Bill “4.2% Unemployment” Clinton what happens to deficits when people are working.

Spoilers: I get that some people don’t want plot twists in their favorite shows revealed before they get to watch the show, but it’s on you to avoid spoilers. I kind of agree with west coast people complaining about spoilers on Twitter when the show being spoiled won’t even air out there for another two hours. But, you could just stay off Twitter for a while on that night too. Just a thought. Generally though, if you record a show to watch at your leisure later in the week then you do so at your own risk.

That’s the abbreviated list. The actual list goes on and on and on. I think a lot of you people would be much happier if you cut back on the things that you get worked up over too.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Friend me on Facebook
Follow me on Twitter

Sorry Facebook...Not All Women Are All That

Hi Yall!  Happy Hump Day to you all, and Cheers.

Let me tell  you folks, this is Holy Week…A time that mirrors Jesus’ walk to the cross.

Well let me tell you, I had my little walk to the cross last night.

After my son not talking to me for over a month, I called him last night; he initially seemed happy to hear from me.

And then…

I asked him, “Why haven’t you e-mailed me, called me, or otherwise, gotten a hold of me.”  

He stated that he was busy, but school is good.

I asked him, “Why haven’t you called me, or stopped by the Beer Mine.”

He replied, “I've been busy.” 

Ya know people…I was born at night, but I wasn't born last night.  I could tell that something was wrong.

It seems that Mr. Ryno has a problem with his father. Mainly that he left him all those years ago.

How do I know this?

Ryno said to me, “YOU left me.”  

I retorted…

“I didn't leave you; I left your mother.  I was tired of her being mean to me, and spitting in my face.”

Ryan responded, “Whatever.”

I then, in my most James Bond way, said to him, “I----

And before I could speak, my son said…

“I gotta go.”

And as he said that...I got pissed.

Cheers!!

mattmaniws@ymail.com

What Happens to Don Draper and Mad Men Characters?

Holaaaaaaaaa! Well “Mad Men” is back and everyone is all excited! Well, except me. I found the season premiere to be a bit boring. I think the show jumped the shark last season and I’m very much ready for it to end. In fact, instead of this 14 episode split-season (seven this year, seven next) they should have just gone with a quick seven episode “wrap everything up” final season. I’m afraid that this once great show is going to become the Willie Mays of TV dramas stumbling around embarrassing itself because it didn’t know when to go.

In the season premiere Don was in LA to see Megan Draper as they try to save their marriage. As he was flying back to New York to not go back to work (he’s still suspended) Don reminds us that he’s the second luckiest guy in the history of the world behind Ringo Starr. He just happens to be sitting next to a super freaking hot, broken, sad, lonely AND widowed lady played by Neve Freaking Campbell. Wouldn’t you know that smooth bastard had her hitting on him by the time the plane landed in NYC. Don still has game, yo.

The big thing everyone is talking about is when and how does Don Draper die. There is some other conversation about what’s going to happen to other main characters too. So, I figured I better get my predictions out there so when these things actually happen I will be able to prove that I predicted it.

Don Draper (Jon Hamm): Draper has absolutely no redeeming qualities whatsoever so I expect that in the end he will be the big winner. He marries Lee Cabot (Neve Campbell) and she helps him put his life back together. Draper and Cabot have an open relationship with each of them having numerous affairs. They start several convenience store franchises that celebrate their lifestyle called Quickie Mart, E-Z Mart and of course, Kum and Go.

Roger Sterling (John Slattery): Dies in 1973 of a heart attack after snorting cocaine off Grace Jones’ ass while having sex with Twiggy. His daughter Margaret Sterling Hargrove dies during the Jonestown Massacre in 1978 and for some reason leaves all the money she inherited from Roger to the Rev. Sun Myung Moon.

Joan Holloway (Christina Hendricks): Joan stays at Sterling-Cooper-Draper-Pryce and rises to the position of Vice President. She was promoted after banging NFL Commissioner Pete Rozelle in the bathroom at Studio 54 which nailed down the contract of the NFL as a new client.  Joan went on to have a series of affairs with some of NYC’s most powerful men including Donald Trump’s father, Fred Trump.  

Peggy Olson (Elisabeth Moss): Drops acid at Woodstock and becomes a free love hippie travelling the country playing guitar and singing in honky-tonks and bars. In 1999 she helps to start up the Coachella Music Festival. Her daughter Zippi Love Poppa, fathered by Frank Zappa OR Iggy Pop, nobody knows for sure, is one of the founding members of Burning Man in 1986. (BTW, even though Peggy isn’t as wholesome, she’s totally Marry Ann to Joan Holloway’s Ginger, right?)

Betty Draper (January Jones): Moves with her husband Henry Francis and immediately began having an affair with HUD Secretary George Romney and then Vice President Nelson Rockefeller. After Rockefeller died while having sex with Betty in 1979, nobody wanted to have sex with her again cause men are totally superstitious about that kind of shit.

Sally Draper (Kiernan Shipka): Changes her name to Lynette “Squeaky” Fromme and attempts to assassinate President Gerald Ford in 1975.

Pete Campbell (Vincent Kartheiser): Joins the Hare Krishna Movement and is never heard from again.

Megan Draper (Jessica Paré): Got a few TV and movie roles here and there but is best known for playing the mother in the pornographic “Taboo” series in the 80’s.

That’s pretty much all that really matters. The guy seen falling during the show open whom we all assume jumped out a window is Ken Cosgrove. Both of Don and Betty’s sons grow up to be porn stars. Bert Cooper dies in his office and his body isn’t discovered for three weeks. Nobody else really matters.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Friend me on Facebook
Follow me on Twitter

Poetry? It Brings The Bitches To The Yard

Hi…Tammy Tibbles here…

Jay and Matt brought the house down yesterday during the IWS Radio Show, and made the entire internet world laugh yesterday.

Paul Piatt was there.

Schmoop, Slyder Balzcock, and Father Limerick were on hand.

They had Bobby Kraft, (who was on a tear mind you) and Kirk Douglas as well.

Matt and Jay were talking poetry in motion, and they kept the rhyming LIVE

So, if you’d like to hear the IWS Radio broadcast, you can listen HERE.

Online Comedy Radio at Blog Talk Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

If you listen, it would be AMAZING.

Matt Said...Jay Said...(202) 333-7121

Matt waxes poetically…Jay wanes introspectively…You, gather neither rhyme nor reason.

Matt:  Hello?
Jay:  Whadda ya know?
Matt:  A little more than I did yesterday.
Jay:  That’s damn good to hear; I must say.

Matt:  Schmoop isn’t enjoying my Thursdays off.
Jay:  Perhaps you could leave on Thursdays and go play golf.
Matt:  That sounds good, but kind of expensive.
Jay:  Dude, you gotta keep her happy; don’t be so pensive.

Matt:  Our show this week falls on Palm Sunday.
Jay:  When Jesus on a donkey, made it a Funday.
Matt:  Christ is King.  Ha…Christ is funny.
Jay:  And by his blood on the cross, people love to make money.

Matt:  We could talk about that.
Jay:  We could and we should.
Matt:  We could talk about Favstar, and how most users are morons.
Jay:  We could deride their un-funniness, and then let bygones be bygones.

Matt:  Perhaps, as you know, it’s National Poetry Month…
Jay:  And we could base our show ‘round, poetry, prose, and such?
Matt:  That would be awesome!!
Jay:  That would be great!!
Matt:  You know who would like it, that’d be Paul Piatt.
Jay:  I'd like it too; c’mon, let’s try it!!

Matt:  Paul Piatt will be there, Slyder, and Schmoop as well.
Jay:  Bobby Kraft will chime in, and Drew Peacock will rhyme like a bell.
Matt:  And many others will poetize.
Jay:  For they have a lot to prose-itize.

Matt:  So this Sunday from Noon-2 PM, Eee Tee
Jay:  We will be bringing the funny poetry.
Matt:  And perhaps, we will may make people laugh.
Jay:  But only if we do a reading, by the late Sylvia Plath.

Matt:  I think we’re ready.
Jay:  Ready as Freddy.
Matt:  Let’s Do Iiiiiiiiiiit!
Jay:  Aight.
Matt:  That didn’t rhyme.
Jay:  I was juxtaposing.
Matt:  That’s HOT!!

To catch IWS Radio LIVE this Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET during their Poetry, Prose, and Poseurs episode, you can click right, HERE!!  

Stephen Colbert to Replace Letterman? Congrats from IWS ... Kinda

Holaaaaaaaaa! On behalf of the entire staff here at IWS World Media Entertainment I would like to congratulate our friend and colleague Stephen Colbert on being named David Letterman’s replacement. I know he’ll do a great job. This gives Stephen a chance to stop doing the “O’Reilly Shtick” and just be himself. I’m sure he’ll be ultra-successful and The Late Show will be must see TV.

Oh sure, Matt and I would have been better. I mean, we all know that, right? Only one hour each night? Just like seven minutes to exchange witty banter before the first break and then some skit or check in with a correspondent? Easy! Then bring on a guest? Someone who might talk so we don’t have to? OMG! Our dream! Then after the next break we do the Poet’s Corner or Tammy or Ma Tibbles and then another break? Then another guest who does most of the talking? Then after the final commercial break we bring on the musical guest or a stand up and then say goodnight? We could do that without even trying.

We could host The Late Show AND STILL do the radio show every week. Shows like “Poets, Prose and Poseurs” which we’re doing this Sunday at 12 Noon ET. No problem. Especially if we got the same size writing staff that Letterman had. Hell, we could do it with half the staff.  But, it was not to be. Of course, my repeatedly referring to Les Moonves’ wife Julie Chen as his “mail order bride” probably didn’t help much. Oops!

I did get a kick out of watching the reaction from people online to the announcement though. I’m not unsympathetic to the people who were hoping CBS would go in a non-white male direction for host. It would have been a good idea to shake things up a bit and break the late night mold. But, it’s entirely possible that all the people mentioned as great ideas to replace Letterman have other things they want to do.

Tina Fey, Amy Poeler and Kristen Wiig were mentioned by lots of people. Did anyone really think they were going to just up and drop the TV shows and movies they’re working on and go host a late night show? Did anyone really think they would dump Loren Michaels and take over a show directly competing against The Tonight Show? How fucking stupid are you if you thought that?

A lot of people also hoped for Aisha Tyler. Really? She would certainly be good at it. Everyone agrees. Sure she was a disaster on Talk Soup and hasn’t gotten good reviews on “Who’s Line is it Anyway,” but those are very different from late night show. Again though, she’s got “The Talk” and “Archer” and a new show that is in development and her stand up and you thought she would just up and drop all that to HOST A SHOW THAT YOU’RE NOT EVEN GONNA WATCH???? Come on!

These late night shows are hard to find hosts for. You aren’t gonna get someone like Luis C.K, Amy Schumer, Hannibal Buress or any comedian who is hot and doing a lot of stuff right now cause they won’t want to throw it all away just to host a show. You need someone who isn’t in demand and doesn’t really have any buzz or a lot of options. That’s why I thought Jerry Seinfeld might be the perfect replacement Matt-Man and I would be the perfect choice. But, it just didn’t work out. Oh well.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Friend me on Facebook
Follow me on Twitter

I Need Answers!!

Cheeeeeeeeers and a tremendously happy Thursday to you all!!

I am, as the hipsters would have said some thirty years ago, “stoked.”

Why is that you ask?  Well, let me tell ya.

For the first time in a lonnnnnnng time, I have the entire day of Thursday off…on a regular basis no less.  It’s true!!

I am going to be productive, relax some as well, tip a few, and enjoy with gusto, my new found time away from the Beer Mine.  However…

Before I can truly enjoy the day, I need your help.  I need some questions answered so I can quit thinking about them, and get to the important business of relaxing and focusing on Sunday’s IWS Radio Show.

First of all.  Jayman and I briefly touched upon this a month or so ago on the radio show.  How is it that Jesus’ birthday is celebrated on the same day every year, but his death and resurrection is on a different day every year?  Something about that just doesn’t sound kosher, and I’d like to know the reasoning behind it.

Why does Ed Schultz have a show on MSNBC and a syndicated radio show?  The guy is a freak show. Don’t get me wrong; he’s great to make fun of, but he’s a train wreck.  Also riddle me this?  Sean Hannity and I actually agree on this summation of Eddie; which of us comes off looking worse for agreeing with the other?

Set me straight people…Rep. Vance McAllister (R-Cocktown) was caught on video making out with his staffer Melissa Peacock (R-Slutsville), both of whom are married…She resigns, and he remains a Congressman and a, “champion of traditional family values.”  Could somebody…anybody…please explain the logic and justice in the results of this affair?

If you are a regular reader of this blog you know that we have been celebrating National Poetry Month, which begs a serious question.  If a poem is written in the forest and there is no one around to read it, does it rhyme? I need to know!!

I am still seeing hash tags on Twitter in reference to #CancelColbert.  Really? People are still trying to cancel the Colbert Report because of the Ching Chong Ding Dong thing?

I read an article on Salon.com which interviewed Suey Park who basically started this thing, and she said “whiteness is the enemy” of Asian-Americans.

That seems pwetty wacist to me but hu am I to judge?  But, rell…maybe Suey Park needs to show a rittle wespectful sirence on dis one.  Am I wight?

Let’s say, hypothetically of course, that I have a hot friend who got divorced just days ago…

Is there a waiting period before I hit on her, and/or make lewd sexual comments toward her? I’d like to hit upon, and/or talk dirty to her, but only in the most appropriate, and socially acceptable manner.  I’m a gentleman in that regard.

Lastly…

When Jay and I do our show prep call today, should I wear shorts and a T-Shirt, or merely obscure my nakedness ‘neath the comfort of a silk robe?

I need your help and insight folks; my happiness, and the lives of millions of Americans are depending on you.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

The Nipsey News Report

Holaaaaaaaaaa! In honor of April being National Poetry Month, we’re introducing a new feature here on the website. The late, great Nipsey Russell gives his rhyming commentary on the news!

UConn defeats Kentucky for the NCAA Championship…

Congrats to Kevin Ollie and Huskies on your victory
You stayed calm while Calipari and the Cats looked jittery
UConn’s basketball prominence we can’t overrate
Just hope no one notices your EIGHT PERCENT graduation rate

Al Sharpton was an informant for the FBI...

So, Reverend Al was an FBI rat
The mafia thought he was just goofy and fat
After reading this story I’m fairly confident
Al Sharpton’s death is going to be no accident

Bain Capital has bought Maineschwitz...

Mitt Romney’s old company now owns all the matzo and kosher wine
For the Jews this must be a sign
Rabbis and Jewish scholars
Say give the Mormons all your Jewish dollars

Michael Hayden says Sen Feinstein is “too emotional” to investigate the CIA...

Gen Hayden might have gone too far with his taunts
He can apologize and explain all he wants
His comments stirred up a hornet’s nest
Women’s groups will never let him rest

Louisiana Congressman Vince McAllister was caught on surveillance cameras kissing one of his staffers …

Yet another married family values politician gets caught cheating
From some media and political groups he’s gonna take a beating
That Good Christian Vince will become a punch line
Luckily for him when republicans cheat they never have to resign

Rand Paul says Dick Cheney pushed for war with Iraq to make money for Haliburton …

Rand Paul’s accusations against Mr Cheney are very serious
Some people think he’s just delirious
But in fact these accusations aren’t all that new
And we all know they’re true

Jay Z sparks controversy by wearing Five Percent Nation bling at a Nets game …

Jay Z wore an oversized medallion that some people found offensive
Many of supporters today are feeling a little defensive
Some people think this controversy will ruin Jay Z’s day
Instead he’ll just roll around on a bed made of money and have sex with Beyonce  

Draft Day with Kevin Costner and Jennifer Garner opens this week …

Kevin Costner may have struck gold once again with another sports movie
Even if the movie’s concept seems a little looney
Personally I don’t care if the movie is bad, average or really good
Jennifer Garner is the most underrated MILF in Hollywood

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Friend me on Facebook
Follow me on Twitter

Joni Ernst for U.S. Senate...An Open Invitation from IWS Radio

The IWS Radio Show, which as our vast and diverse worldwide audience knows, is THE Number One comedy
show on Blog Talk Radio.

How did we get there?  We got there by being funny as we talk about society, culture, the media, morons, and while less than in the past, politics as well.

We do like to make fun of politicians and if we write something or say something about a politician, it is typically because he or she, Democrat or Republican, recently convicted or charges pending, has said or done something hilariously stupid.

Today, my friends…I write this in order to exalt the greatness of one up and comer, Iowa State Senator Joni Ernst, who, should the fine Republican voters of Iowa elect her on June 6th to be the GOP candidate to replace retiring Sen. Tom Harkin, will be halfway to Capitol Hill.

Some of you may be familiar with St. Sen. Ernst from her campaign ad she recently ran featuring swine testicles and pig squealing:

We here at IWS Radio agree that any U.S. Senate candidate, especially one as photogenic as Joni Ernst, who invokes cutting off the balls of a pig and making him squeal in her campaign ad is, in a word…HOT!!

Because of this, we here at IWS Radio would like to open up our forum to St. Sen. Joni Ernst, and offer an open invitation to her to appear on our show anytime she would like.  We don’t do that for just anyone, especially politicians, but let me tell you, we are behind her so much, we can’t see straight.

We could cut to the chase and ask Future U.S. Senator Ernst about gay marriage.  Get her thoughts on the Second Amendment.  How does she feel about the legalization of marijuana?  And ask her, and this is crucial…

If she was elected to the U.S. Senate, would she rather have sex with Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand...

Or?  Kelly Ayotte..?

And…As Joni Ernst has received many endorsements from Mitt Romney to Sarah Palin, she could also bring along to the show, a couple of others who actually hail from Iowa who have endorsed her.  Like…

Iowa Representative Megan Hess…How you doin’?

And…Story County Treasurer Renee Twedt…You can audit my books anytime you’d like.

The bottom line is, we here at IWS Radio would be pleased and proud to have Joni Ernst come on our show and let the world know why she should be the next U.S. Senator from the great state of Iowa.

So let me know Ernst Camp, June 6th is growing closer day by day and our audience grows bigger day by day.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page