Jesus Christ: Dead Man Walking and Carrying a Cross

It’s Good Friday so let’s have some laughs.

I mean, if we weren't supposed to have fun on this Day of Jeebus’ Crucifixion, they would have called it something else.

Something such as, Bad Friday…Bloody Friday…or perhaps…

Is Your Fucked Up Sister Coming Over for Easter Dinner Again This Year? Friday.

Nope. It’s Good Friday, or as I refer to it, Holy Week Happy Hour™ So, drink up bitches, the laughs and IWS frivolity are on me.

As I have pointed out this week, Hayzoos was one funny Messianic Mo-Foe. 

Facing certain death, did not dull JC’s spear tipped wit.

When the Romans came to escort him to his demise, he told them:

“I can’t go until I do LX Push-Ups and do my XXX minute Pontius Pilates workout, LOL. I wanna be able to push away that big stone later. LOL.”

And then Jeebus spoke to a couple of the Centurions:

“Hey boys, I had the strangest dream last night. God was speaking to me and kept calling me Moses.
I said, "Father, my name is Jesus, not Moses, yet God kept calling me Moses, Moses, Moses..."

I finally said to him, "My God, my God, why have you mistaken me? LOL."

Yeah baby, JC’s stand-up act was kickin’ ass to the end. He even turned his Heavenly Hilarity onto one of the condemning Rabbis:

“Yo, Rabbi, what’s the difference between a horny pig and a Pharisee? A horny pig eats pork. Bada Bing, Bitches. LOL.”

Once at Golgotha, and getting readied to be hung up, J-Mac entertained the crowd by doing one of his now famous Knock-Knock jokes…

Like the one he told to the onlookers, using Simon as his straight man:

Knock-Knock…Who’s There? God…God Who? Goddam this is gonna hurt!! LOL.
He brought the crowd down with that one and then had a request. He shouted to Andrew:

“Yo, ‘Drew-Dawg…Get this party started by throwing on some Crucifixion music. Throw on that song that I like so much.”

With that, Andrew played this, centuries later, IWS Classic: 

After the Romans nailed JC to the cross, and firmly planted the crucifix into the hillside, Jeebus got in one last zinger:

“I’m just glad that the KKK has yet to be invented, because they’d set this crucifix on fire, and I’d end up with Hot Cross Buns. LOL”

And with that, the crowd laughed, Jeebus looked skyward, and simply said, “Tetelestai”.

And so it was…

I hope you party your asses off during Good Friday, because living without sin is what it is all about.  Be safe, have fun, and enjoy your Easter Weekend.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com

@mattman_iws

My Facebook Page

Lent Is Here; Be A Fisher Of Women

Cheeeeeeers and Happy Lent to everyone, well…

Not everyone.

Y’know….

This past Sunday, Jayman and I talked about how when one gives something up for Lent, sometimes, some less than stellar human beings, feel the need to denigrate those observing Lent, and these folks, belittle their commitment.

I was hoping, that maybe this year, things would be different, but sadly…it was the same old song and dance.

Allow me to set this up…

I am not a Catholic, because well, while I was forced to be Catholic during my first eighteen years of upbringing, I looooooathe the Catholic Church and organized religion in general, however…

Every year at this time, this time being the Lenten season, I give up something for Lent.

Oh sure, I haven’t been a Catholic for years, but…I enjoy exerting some willpower over myself.

This year I am giving up bread and pasta.  No baked goods for the Matt-Man, sounds easy, but…I love toast. And so?  That’s what I’m doing.

Funny thing?

Some people find that what a person is giving up is repetitive and/or untimely.

My buddy Bill pointed out that I gave up bread last year (which I didn’t) and that I was becoming blasé.

And then, some troglodyte with a vagina, uttered the following…

“You hate Catholic Church People think you are doing for Lent which your not. You hate Catholic Church.”

First of all folks, she should give bad grammar up for Lent, but otherwise…

I am giving up bread and pasta for Lent, and yet, some folks, like the aforementioned commenter feel compelled to tell me the manner in which I should give it up.

She gives me shit for giving up something for Lent, during Lent…because, well…the timing is confusing . What?

Anyhoo…

I am giving up bread and pasta for Lent.  I will not have frozen pizzas, toast, nor macaroni.  That makes me sad.

But what makes me sadder, is the fact that some people, think I’m not doing it right.

I’m doing it right, alright…I’m exercising some self-control for six weeks, and if that’s a bad thing in your mind, you can go to Hell.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Matt Said, Jay Said...Genevieve Morton Said

Matt sacrifices for Lent…Jay opts not to…You weep for The Lord.

Matt:  Howdy Mr. Man.
Jay:  How you’se?
Matt:  Just dandy, in spite of the weather still being a cold, steamy pile of shit.
Jay:  Can a cold pile of shit actually steam?
Matt: Well…I guess I mixed a metaphor…or an idiom…or…something.
Jay:  That’s okay.  This winter has been brutal for all of us, and has lead to atrophy of our brains.
Matt:  Yep…What?

Jay:  Anyhoo…With Lent beginning this Wednesday, we could talk about all things Lent-related.
Matt:  That’s a brilliant idea.  There has evidently been no apostrophe of your brain.
Jay:  It’s called atroph---never mind, and thank you.
Matt:  You’re welcome.

Jay:  We could talk about what we may or may not give up for Lent.
Matt:  We could talk about famous people we would like to give up for Lent.
Jay:  And/or sacrifice.
Matt:  Even Better!!

Jay:  Some people give up certain foods, like sweets, meat, bread.  We could…
Matt:  We could provide alternative menus for those who do!!
Jay:  Exactly!!  Perhaps your brain is becoming less apostrpopheed.
Matt:  What?
Jay:  What?

Matt:  We could talk about faith or lack thereof.
Jay:  We could talk about what some of the more famous people might want to give up for The Lord.
Matt:  Excellent.
Jay:  I know, right?

Matt:  Paul Piatt, Tammy Tibbles, Slyder Balzcock among others could chime in.
Jay:  Perhaps Rev. Moneymaker, and one pissed off Kirk Douglas will be there with the weather.
Matt:  Also we’ll have some Lenten style, Lord lovin’ music.
Jay:  And we could also ha…

STOP RIGHT THERE MY TWO SMOKIN’ HOT GENTLEMEN!!

Hi folks super sexy, ultra-hot Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Genevieve Morton here for IWS Radio with a HUGE announcement.

Me, myself, and my most amazing set of tits, are here to announce that Jay, Matt, and IWS Radio are back on at Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio.

I told the sexy, dynamic duo, that I didn't like them being on from 8-10 PM on Sundays, because I missed listening to them LIVE while lying naked and writhing about in my bed during Sunday brunch, so…

These two giants of international internet radio, capitulated to me and my amazing rack, and responded…

“So let it be requested; so let it be done.”  And then of course…they giggled like twelve year old boys.

Anyway…Yes, Jay and Matt will be talking Lent.  Yes it will be funny as hell, and yes…They will be on LIVE tomorrow from NOON-2 PM ET on the BTR Network.

Make sure you make a note of the time change, listen LIVE, and call-in at 661.244.9852, because…

The more people I see in that chat room, and the more people I hear calling in, the more I will touch myself while spilling a mimosa and scrambled eggs all over my writhing brunch-time body.

To listen LIVE and imagine me writhing from Noon-2 PM ET tomorrow, click right HERE.

Love…
Genny

Matt Said, Jay Said...White Santa Said!!

Cheeeeeeeeeers and Ho Ho Hooooooooooola!!

White Santa here in order to hijack the typical Saturday IWS Radio edition of Matt Said, Jay Said, and turn it into, Santa Said!!

Is there a problem with me doing that just a few days before Christmas?  I make lists and name names y’know…

Okay then…I didn't think you would mind.

Let me tell you folks…Jay and Matt are going to be putting on a spectacular IWS Radio Christmas Show tomorrow.

They are going to be celebrating Christmas as it was intended to be celebrated…lots of laughs, friendly banter, hospitality, great music, and non-stop hilarity that will shine brighter than my franken-reindeer Rudolph’s nose.

Ho Ho Ho.  And as a special bonus…

Jay and Matt have promised me, that for each and every person who listens LIVE, a blind dog will get the gift of sight, and Sarah Palin and Sean Hannity will shut the fuck up about that duck fucking, Jim Crow-Loving puddle of primordial goo who has for whatever reason, captured the attention and admiration of much of a nation.

In addition to that, if you call in at 661.244.9852 and are funny and/or otherwise nice to them, you may get a sugar plum.

But Santa, you ask…Why should I listen?

Let me tell you why, my wonderfully thus far, behaved boys and girls…

Tomorrow’s,  Have a Holly Jolly Festivus radio show (which airs LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET) is chock full of comedy, Christmas readings, music, and dozens of well-wishes from the vast and diverse worldwide audience that Jay and Matt who for reasons unexplained, have captured over the years.

And yeah…

They may even mention the Holy Baby Jesus.  In fact, in addition to the sexy Trinity of Jay, Matt, and the Holy Baby Jesus…

Kirk Douglas, Bobby Kraft, Dixie Ozark, Schmoop, Slyder Balzcock, Paul Piatt, Malcolm Eckstein, Jamie, Buddy Acapella, Stubby Stonehenge, and among others, yours truly…Santa Claus are scheduled to appear.

Tomorrow from Noon-2 PM ET, don’t lazily saunter to your computer, drink a cup of hot chocolate and RUN to your computer, EMBRACE your computer, and click onto, and participate in the IWS Radio Show on Blog Talk Radio.

If you don’t…You are going to be on Santa’s naughty list.  And?

Dozens of dogs will remain blind and Sean Hannity will be having oral sex with Sarah Palin, and really?

Who needs to see and/or know about that?

To listen to the IWS Radio Have a Holly Jolly Festivus Show from Noon-2 PM ET click HERE!!

Matt's Best and Worst of Christmas

Cheeeeeers and Ho Ho Ho Chuckleheads!!  It’s Christmas time and that means that now would be a good time for me to do a list of my favorite and least favorite things about Christmas, just as the uber-hot Jayman did yesterday.

Best Movies:
1.  White Christmas
2.  A Christmas Story
3.  The Bishop’s Wife (1947 Cary Grant, David Niven, Loretta Young)
4.  Christmas Vacation
5.  Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (So awful, it’s awesome)

Worst Movies:
1.  The Santa Clause
2.  Christmas with the Kranks
3.  Jack Frost
4.  Santa Claus The Movie (1985 Dudley Moore)
5.  It’s a Wonderful Life

Best Music:
1.  White Christmas  (Bing Crosby)
2.  O Come All Ye Faithful (Latin version Adeste Fidelis)
3.  O Holy Night
4.  Christmas Canon (Manheim Steamroller)
5.  Little Drummer Boy (Dolores O’Riordan/The Cranberries)

Worst Music:
1.  I Want a Hippopotamus For Christmas
2.  The Christmas Shoes
3.  Wonderful Christmas Time (Sir Paul Fucking McCartney)
4.  All I Want for Christmas is You (Mariah Carey)
5.  Billy’s Christmas Wish (Red Sovine)

Best Traditions:
1.  Lights and Decorations
2.  Wassailing
3.  Making fun of Christians who celebrate the Holy Baby Jesus by adorning people they hate, with gifts.
4.  Christmas Eve at my Brother Marty’s house with the family.
5.  Eating, drinking, and listening to Christmas music with Schmoop on Christmas Day.

Worst Traditions:
1.  Christmas Family Newsletter (no changing Jayman’s #1 on that one)
2.  The Phony War on Christmas
3.  Black Friday
4.  At the in-laws, having EACH and EVERY PERSON OPEN ONE PRESENT AT A TIME!!
5.  NBA Basketball

Best Goodies:
1.  Green, Red, and Silver Hershey Kisses.
2.  Schuler’s Donuts
3.  My brother Denny’s Christmas Eve chili.
4.  Homemade decorated sugar cookies.
5.  Sugar Plums!!

Worst Goodies:
1.  Eggnog  (Good call Jayman!!)
2.  Those chocolate candies what with the maple filling.
3.  Mince Fucking Meat
4.  Fruit Cake
5.  Cheese Balls Covered in Nuts.  (C’mon…simply use Cheese, Dried Beef, and end it.)

Best General Christmas Stuff:  Hangin’ out with Schmoop, partying Christmas Eve with my family, delighting in the fact that Alyssa Milano retweeted Jayman, and stiffin’ the bell ringer outside of Wal*Mart.

Worst General Christmas Stuff:  Phonies who proclaim that Jesus is the reason for the season all the while “consumerzing”, ratings driven shout outs to our troops by the media, and the fear, dread, and worry that people feel over the fact that they may not have bought somebody the “right thing” in honor of the Holy Baby Jeebus’ made up birth date.

Perhaps, if we are truly Christians or decent people in general, we would be better served by replacing His Birthday with Sermon on the Mount Day.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Hey Israel? Syria Is YOUR Neighbor and Has a Broken Washing Machine...Why Does America Have to Wash Their Dirty Laundry?

Cheeeeeeeers Chuckleheads and Happy Thursday to you all!!

I have a couple of really concretely solid topics to touch upon, but those are best left to be mediaized on this Sunday’s next, sure to be #1 IWS Radio show, so?

I am going to down a 211 and just let my thoughts flow on here today.  Mmmmm’kay?

Dateline…Matt-Man’s head…

You know what would we be cool…If instead of degrading Syrian President Bashar al-Assad’s chemical weapons with missiles, we instead, gassed the entire country of Syria, but instead of using serin or mustard gas, we used laughing gas!!

That would be fucking hilarious.  A bunch of punch drunk extremists with guns walking around feeding each other falafels all the while tea is pouring out the side of their mouths like they’re doped up on Novocain. Ha!!

And what’s up with Israel?  Everyone is worried about what will happen to Israel over this crisis.  The only ones not worried about the Syrian Civil War are the Israelis and their 2 Billion Dollars a year from the U.S.

Listen Israel…We give you 2 Bil a year to help arm yourselves and Syria is on your border, so could we see a little action out of you?  I know you are busy building tin shack “settlements”, but really?

If Moses were alive today, he with his Rod of God in hand, would walk straight over to Damascus turn their rivers and their streets red with blood, and then return to Tel Aviv and rain toads down upon you, the Israelites, for being such pussies.

Seriously…Netanyahu and all of you serve who in the Israeli legislative body of the Knish?  You need to ask yourselves, What Would Moses Do?

In fact, and now I am getting a little steamed…it’s as if the State of Israel expects us, the United States of America to protect her.  It’s as if  we Americans are the savior of the State of Israel.  Hmmmmmmm?

The last time there was a savior walking around in the land of Israel, the Jews preferred some dude named Barabbas, and helped to kill the Holy Baby Jesus.

So boys and goils…enjoy your Rosh Hashanah, and delight in the fact that you will surely nail your America savior and benefactor to the cross in the near future.

I hurt my knee today.  I knocked it into a twelve pack of Dr. Pepper…Did Israel care?  Hell No!!  They didn’t even send me any chicken soup with matzo balls.  It’s such a one way relationship.

Ha…you know what?

My Stream of Consciousness thing actually turned out to be focused, and really?  Here’s the thing…

I am not pro-war…I am very anti-war, but y’know?

I get tired of hearing about how a solution and pathway to peace may be possible in the Middle East.

It never will.  There are far too many zealots with far too many strident and monocular ideologies involved.

Perhaps if we attack Syria, which I agree with, that may trigger an expansion of the conflict that sets the region on fire.  I feel bad about that, but then I think…

Eh…so what, because as much as I hate death and destruction, it is an inevitability, because the unholy trinity of radical acolytes of Muslims, Jews, and Christians want it.

To people like that, it’s just a matter of how and when.

And sadly, upstairs in the supernatural open bar of heaven, God, Allah, Buddha, or whatever one prefers to refer to Him as, are sipping on a bottle of Jack and saying…

“Maybe there is another planet we could try this life thing on, ‘cause it ain't working here.”

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page