Apologies are in Order

Holaaaaa y’all! I had something I was thinking of writing about for today, but we work on deadlines here at IWS and I’m not finished (over)thinking about this subject so I’ll just have to ramble about other stuff. I will write about that other subject on Thursday. Or not. I might give up on it or forget about it or just think it to death. Overthinking about things is my specialty ya know?

So, I was listening to Bret Easton Ellis breathe heavily into his microphone on his podcast today thinking to myself “Damn, I’m glad I don’t do that cause that’s annoying” when I suddenly said to myself  “I bet he makes those same sounds when he blows his boyfriend.”  Then I wondered why I that thought would enter my head. I couldn’t think of a reason why though. It seemed strange to think that. He was talking about his boyfriend and maybe subconsciously I thought that and it made its way to my conscious. Hell, I don’t know.

I then felt bad about that. I mean that’s a pretty rude and crude thing to think. Saying it out loud would probably embarrass me. No Matt, it doesn’t make me gay either. I actually felt like I should apologize to Bret for even thinking that though. Not that he would give a shit. He’s pretty impervious to criticism if I did email him about this he would just dismiss it and possibly correct my grammar. Who needs that kind of heartache?

Speaking of apologizing, I actually apologized to myself the other day. No, it wasn’t some self-help therapy exercise or anything like that. It was an accident. It just happened. I was listening to The Writer’s Blocpodcast and as it was just about over I decided that I would go ahead and subject myself to Lena Dunham on Marc Maron’s WTF Podcast. Then, for some reason I unplugged my headset from my laptop.

As soon as I did that, I plugged it right back and in and said “oh, sorry!” out loud. I have no idea why I did that or what brought it on. I wasn’t particularly upset with myself for unplugging the headset. It didn’t cost me anything or hurt anything. It was simple enough to plug it right back in there. So why apologize? I guess I was just worried that I might have done something to upset myself. Or something.

I’ve also enjoyed reading everyone’s tweets and posts about the movie “Noah” starring Russell Crowe and Emma Watson and a few others. It’s interesting to see how people react to the movie and how dismissive some are about its accuracy. Unlike everyone else on Facebook and Twitter I’m no biblical scholar (or lawyer, or Russia expert, or doctor … damn, ya’ll are all so much smarter and better educated than me! Not to mention better looking. That makes me feel bad about myself. I should probably apologize to myself or someone about this too.)

It’s not like the story of Noah in the Bible is hundreds of pages long or all that detailed. If you want to make a move about it, you’re gonna have to embellish a bit. What I found especially funny though was that while people were posting about all the inaccuracies of the movie and how it wasn’t “authentic” and shit, nobody included the fact that Noah and his family were played by white people with British and Australian accents. Seems to me that THAT would be pointed out as the FIRST inaccurate thing about the movie.

Okay, that’s all I’ve got. Sorry.

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Jay and Matt Shared, and Hot Canadian Chicks Showed Up

Hi Y'all...Matt-Man here.

If you missed us LIVE yesterday on Blog Talk Radio, you can catch us in the IWS Radio archives right HERE.

Jayman and I had a great show...

We talked about how people take and never give.

We talked NCAA basketball, and how certain people ask for a 24 hr rule against gloating, and yet when "their team" is a winner, they don't adhere to said rule...

"That Snake chick be an aspy bitch in the Garden of Eden", says one Jon Bok Choyvie!!

Greg called in and told us of his travails of having no chance of winning Trailer of the Year this year because the owners of said lot, just don't like his rebellious character.

We also talked to our favorite Canadian, Jamie, and it was molten lava HAWT!!

What did we say as we talked with Jaaaaaaaaaamie?

Pfffffffffffffffffffffffft...You'll have to listen to find out, but let me tell ya..She loves us in her own, personal way.

We also had Joshua with a movie review, Paul Piatt with a poem, and of course, the erstwhile Tammy Tibbles bringing the comfort factor.

All in all?

It was, as always, an award winning show.

If you missed it LIVE, you can always catch it in archives right below.  Do us a solid and not only play it, tell your friend what a good show it was, and have them play it too.

Annnnnnnnd if you are into links, you could play it right HERE:

We thank you in advance!!

Dogs and Cats are Are People Too!

This week we're doing something a little different for our "Person of the Week." In keeping with the "All Give and No Take" theme of this week's IWS Radio, we are celebrating sweet puppies and kitties who love unconditionally and give and give and give.

Here's Belle the Corgi ...

Here's the stray cat that adopted Jayman for a while ...

Here's Duchess the high-spirited puppy ...

Here's Abner the shy kitty ...

Here's Lucy and Cosette the PBGV's ...

Here's Matt-Man's OTHER BFF Corky ...

Don't forget to tune into IWS Radio for our "All Give and No Take" episode at 8 PM ET tonight!!!

Matt Said, Jay Said (937) 323-1779

Matt gives…Jay sacrifices…You, take.

Matt:  How the hell are ya?
Jay:  Just freakin’ fantastic, and you?
Matt:  Swell.  Did the Jaymom have a good birthday?

Jay:  Oh yeah.  I set up a dinner at Colton’s and got her a birthday cake.
Matt:  You are a thoughtful man.
Jay:  I’m a giver Matt-Man…a giver.
Matt:  That you are.

Jay:  Any big plans for Schmoop’s birthday?
Matt:  I am getting her flowers and I want to get her Taco Bell for dinner, but…

Jay:  But wha---Oh you can’t have any because of your breadless Lent.
Matt:  Exactly.  Do you think a one day dispensation on the bread thing is in order?

Jay:  Let me pose that question to a higher power.
Matt:  Who?  God?
Jay:  Noooooooooo, higher than that, Reverend Moneymaker.  I’ll call him real quick.  Hold on.
Matt:  Oh okay.

Jay:  Good News!!  He said that since you are doing it to please someone else, you may scarf down some tacos.
Matt:  Hot Damn!!
Jay:  Hey now…I don’t think he’d appreciate that language.
Matt:  Oops, forgive me.

Jay:  That is nice of you to break your Lenten sacrifice one day for Schmoop.
Matt:  I’m a giver Jayman, a giver.
Jay:  That you are.

Matt:  So this week, it is confirmed…It has to be an 8 P.M. show since the new help is on vacation.
Jay:  Unbelievable. Three weeks on the job and taking time off.
Matt:  IKR?  Leaves me without a day off until April 6th.
Jay:  We have to change our show time.
Matt:  Schmoop will be sad not to have me home all day Sunday.
Jay and Matt:   Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Jay:  Man, I tell ya.  We give a lot to the folks, and what do we get in return?
Matt:  Heartache.
Jay:  Yep, but…
Matt:  The show must go on.
Jay:  Even though we have to change our busy schedules in order to entertain the masses.
Matt:  The things we do for people.

Jay:  Oh well…I’m sure that Bobby Kraft and Joshua will help us out.
Matt:  Paul Piatt, Slyder Balzcock, and Tammy Tibbles can pitch in as well.
Jay:  We can talk Ukraine and March Madness.

Matt:  We can talk British Daylight Saving Time and Iowa GOP U.S. Senate candidate Joni Ernst.

Jay:  I hear she grew up castrating hogs.
Matt:  That’s what all of the boys down at the Soda Shop say.

Jay:  That’s HOT.

Matt:  Hey, I have a question…Back in the day when you worked at the pizza joint, did it irritate you to get calls asking what specials you had?

Jay:  Oh hell yes…You’re busy and wasting time on the phone.
Matt:  We could call local pizza joints and do just that.
Jay:  Ha. Brilliant, and…We could call not so local pizza joints!!

Matt:  Ha!!  Brilliant!!

Jay:  And maybe, just maybe…Folks could give back a little love to us, and call in.
Matt:  It’s the least they could do for two givers such as us.
Jay:  Damn Right!!

Matt:  I guess we’re set.
Jay:  Yep.  This Sunday from 8-10 P.M. ET on IWS Radio.
Matt:  We are gonna give some more yet again.  Talk to you then Jayman.
Jay:  Word.  Byeeeeeeeeeeee.

To catch the All Give and No Take episode of IWS Radio LIVE this Sunday from 8-10 PM ET, click right HERE!!    

Obama and Pope Francis Have Words

Holaaaaaaaaa y’all! Before we get into today’s fun and games I have a couple things to cover for ya. Frist, I want to give a shout out to the lovable and adorable Schmoop! Hope you had a happy birthday yesterday babe! Sorry Matt only had to work a short day on your birthday, but at least you got a few hours away from him and some Taco Bell. Also, Liam Neeson is damn serious about his birthday wishes to you. He told me so himself.

Next, I got my laptop back again today. Oh, I didn’t tell you? Yeah, it had a bit of problem with the fan so I talked to the Computer Fix It Guy and he decided there was a problem there and went ahead and ordered a new one and called me today to bring the laptop and they put the new fan in free of charge! That was sweet of them.

So now everything seems to be working just swell. Actually, the fan still runs all the time, but not nearly as hard or loud as it did previously. Wouldn’t that suck if the fan was the problem all along and they never even had to do the $300 worth of work to it? Ha … Damn, that could really piss me off if I think about it too long. So, I won’t.

Anyway, on to the serious stuff. You may have heard that President Obama met with Yo Pope Frank-EEEEEEEE today. Well, what the LAME stream media didn’t tell you is that to start the meeting, President Obama opened up his laptop and played the Lost Weekend episode of IWS Radio for the Popester!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, as always, IWS Radio has super -secret inside information about what Obama and Pope Francis discussed. Here’s a partial transcript.

Obama: Thank you so much for having me here today.
Francis: What do you have there with you?
Obama: Oh, it’s my laptop. Thought you’d like to hear some IWS Radio.
Francis: I’ve love those guys! They’re a riot!
Obama: IKR??
Francis: I hope Jay asks Matt about Ryno
Obama: And then plays “Cats in the Cradle!”
Francis: Kills me every single time! Hahahahaha
Obama: Oh yeah! And I’m a big fan of Tammy Tibbles.
Francis: She’s got some deep thoughts and great advice.
Obama: Tammy might end up being a self-help guru of sorts.
Francis: Well she could put that idiot Dalai Lama out of business.
Obama: We can only hope!

Francis: So, about this contraceptive mandate.
Obama: *SIGH* Here we go.
Francis:  Religious freedom is very important to the Church.
Obama: People who want to use contraception have rights too.
Francis: You’re forcing your secular beliefs on the Church.
Obama: The same way priests forced themselves on little boys?
Francis: Really? You’re going there already?
Obama: We were going to get there eventually.
Francis: Why don’t you just drop the contraception mandate?
Obama: Why don’t you just let me take all the pedophiles back to US jurisdiction?
Francis: Why don’t you go bomb another wedding full of women and children.
Obama: Why don’t you go block condom distribution in Africa resulting in the AIDS virus continuing to run out of control and kill lots more people?

*Door Flies Open* *John Kerry Walks In* “Gentlemen, Gentlmen. We can have a good, vigorous discussion about these issues without insulting each other.”

Obama and Francis: Why don’t you fuck off John?
Francis: Did you bring me a potato like you did the Russians?
Obama: BAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA! That was hilarious!
Francis: Right? *mocking Kerry’s monotone voice* I like my potatoes fried, mashed, smashed, diced, boiled …
Obama: *joining in* Scattered, smothered and covered. There are literally dozens of ways to prepare good old “Solanum Tuberosom” …

Kerry: I really don’t think this is productive at all.

Francis: Why the long face John?
Obama and Francis: BAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*Kerry stomps out of the room*
*President Obama and Pope Francis hi-5*

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Happy Birthday To Schmoop !!

“A friend is one before whom I may think aloud.”
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Cheeeeeeeeers and a Happy Thursday to you all.

Today is a special day and should truly be a National Holiday.  Forty-Eight years ago today, unto the world, my best friend whom I would not meet until thirty-four years later, was born.

I shit…you…not.  She came into this world lacking the charm, sense of humor, and good nature of the Pillsbury Doughboy, and yet…looked quite similar to him in her early years…

I am talking of course, about my best friend, and IWS Radio’s very own bit player…Schmoop!!

That’s right folks.  Schmoop is celebrating her 48th Birthday today, and even though she is 48, she still knows how to handle a man’s tube like she did some thirty years ago or so…

Schmoop has helped IWS Radio with her sexy voice by being everyone from herself, to Paula Deen, to Kim Fragile, and the AMAZING Tammy Tibbles.  And we appreciate that, and even more so?

We really appreciate her letting us use her ass in pictures…

Schmoop took me in nearly fourteen years ago when I was in a bad way and needed a place to stay. Much to her chagrin, we had a few beers while commiserating about lives turned ugly, she fed me, and then?

Nearly fourteen years later, I am still here.  I’m pretty sure she’s happy about that…probably sure…somewhat.  well?  Her picture says it all...

Anyhoo…

As far as her and I living together?

Schmoop is a trouper, or in her case, a Schmooper who ignores all of my faults when not actively pointing them out in a hurtful, yet sarcastically funny way…and as far as the show goes?

While she would rather be buried six feet under the cold ground than record something, Schmoop hits her mark and helps us out whenever called upon.

I love my Schmoop and I would go as far to call her my soul mate, unfortunately, she doesn’t have one.

However my friends, our love and mutual respect can be illustrated by a conversation that we recently had…

Me:  Oh sweet!!  Steak Fries with my burgers.
Schmoop:  You’re welcome.
Me:  Honey?  You complete me.
Schmoop:  Yeah, whatever….You want ketchup on those?

In all seriousness, Schmoop IS my best friend ever, and without her I have no clue as to where I would be today, but I’m pretty sure it wouldn't be a good place.  But instead?

I am in a place that while not extravagant, not overflowing with wealth, and not a vacation destination for the rich, I am with my best friend Schmoop.  And as far as I am concerned?

That is an extravagant, wealthy, and awesome destination to be.

I love you Schmoop, and Happy Birthday!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

A Long and Difficult Day

Holaaaaaaaaaaa! So I get up this morning and had a few things to do and I had to go get the Jaymom’s birthday cake at Walmart. I get all ready and make myself presentable and shit and head out of the house ready to take on the day! First thing I had to do was turn around and come right back in to get my hoodie because holy crap it was cold!

I get my hoodie and head back out still ready to get things done and get back in time for a very special event that was going to happen today which I will tell you about in a minute. I get in my car and ………….. *clickclickclickclickclick* *brrrrrcoughcoughbrrrrr* *clickclickclickclick*

OHMYGOD! CARMELA!! NOOOOOOOOO!

Suddenly Dr. Leonard McCoy appeared hovering above Carmela and said …..  

I sat there for a minute sad and depressed that the batter in my precious Carmela had died, but I knew it was going to happen eventually. I gathered myself together and commandeered the Jaymom’s car and proceeded to complete my tasks. What else could I do? The world wasn’t going to wait for me.

Since I was already in Walmart to pick up the cake, I ran by the automotive section to check on the price of a new battery. After I fainted and came to, I got the cake and some Pepsi which Walgreen’s has 3-12 Packs for $11 this week which I knew Walmart would match, and they did and took the cake to the Jaymom.

About a half hour after getting back, our special guest arrived. Yup, you guessed it. M.E. came over. Remember her? The old lady who got a new laptop and I had to teach her to use it and it has been a complete cluster fuck? The old lady to just rambles on and on and on about something and gets caught in a loop and just keeps repeating herself for long periods of time? Yup, that one!

Hooooooooo boy, she was on today y’all! I really should take notes when talking to her because it’s impossible to remember all the crazy. The highlight of the day was when we were discussing looking up our family histories. M. E. has decided that she’s part Jewish. She will not even consider the possibility that she isn’t. She’s convinced that she is and that’s why she hates herself so much. When we looked up the name Goheen we found that it’s a Dutch name. This didn’t seem possible to her at all. I pointed out that she grew up in Pennsylvania and this exchange happened:

ME: No, no Dutch there.
Jay: Where? In Pennsylvania?
ME: Yeah. No, there aren’t.
Jay: In Pennsylvania? The state? In America?
ME: Yeah.
Jay: Okay.

Anyway, we looked up some of her family whom she said lived in a little bitty town in Pennsylvania and found them. We found her aunt (I think it was her aunt), her aunt’s brother, mother, father everyone else. She recognized all the names. Suddenly M.E. says “No, that’s not them.”

Apparently she thinks that there are two separate families all with the same first and last names living in a town of just a couple of thousand people in rural Pennsylvania and the OTHER ONES are probably her family.  I’m not making any of this up.

Anyway, I put the new battery in my car and am now drinking heavily.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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P.S. You should totally listen to Aunt Jackie rocking the IWS Radio house covering John Mellencamp's "Hurt so Good!" 

Are You Hot Enough to Handle Two Hours with Jayman?

Cheeeeeeeers Chuckleheads and a Happy Tuesday to you all.

This past Sunday (per usual) Jay, myself, and the brilliant and hard working staff at IWS Radio put on yet another award-winning radio show, however…

A temporary tragedy has befallen us.  I have to work this Sunday because the new employee at the Beer Mine will be on vacation, so the March 30th show is hanging in the balance.

There are some options as to what to do this Sunday.

1.  We could do a show Sunday night at 8 P.M.

2.  We could take the week off, and not have a show.

Or…

3.  Jayman could do the show at our normal Noon-2 PM ET time slot with a guest co-host!!

Frankly my friends, I prefer option 3, and if we go that route, I want to toss out a couple of names of people who would make an excellent co-host (or not) to work with Jayman this Sunday.

1.  Blanche Lincoln.  That’s right. Being a fellow Arkansan, Jayman would feel right at home with the sultry former Senator from Arkansas.  The only drawback to Mizz Lincoln?

Although she looks likes a man and sounds like a man, Jayman finds her hot and she may be far too distracting during the show.

2.  Vladimir Putin.  Putin is a badass, and he would bring an edginess to the show that would bring out the inner-Bad Boy in Jayman. Unfortunately, Putin is also too much of a downer for a comedy show.  If only Boris Yeltsin was still alive. That would be comedy GOLD!!

3.  Al Roker.  I hate Al Roker, but I would love to hear Jayman ask him…“You know?  We’ve never had a fake weatherman on the IWS Radio Show.”  Roker would reply, “Bullshit…You have Kirk Douglas on here pretending to be a weatherman.”  And Jayman would respond, “Damn right, and if Kirk was here in studio with us, he would kick your ass for that comment.”

4.  Frank Bonner.  That’s right, WKRP’s very own Herb Tarlek.  Another fellow Arkansan who has ignored our requests to appear on our show over and over.  Perhaps, since Mr. Bonner really isn’t doing anything these days, the title of co-host on IWS Radio instead of being a mere guest would entice him to be on our show.

5.  James Garner.  A man whom we have reported so many damn times as being dead…you’d think he’d like to come on the show with Jayman just to prove us wrong!!

6.  Scarlett Johansson, Mila Kunis, and/or Natalie Portman.  If all, or any of these three hotties were co-hosting the show with Jayman, we’d have to title the episode…“Drooling and Masturbating with Jayman.”

Actually…That would be ratings gold, but following the show, BTR would probably exercise their terms of use agreement and kick us off the air permanently.

Lastly, and drum roll please….

7.  Saving the best for last, if she wanted to, Jayman could spend two hours…120 minutes…an afternoon of non-stop hilarity with…our favorite Canadian, Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaamie!!

Jamie is the Belle of the Ball, and the most awesome chick in Hammer Town, Canada.  Jamie could just read articles out of Popular Mechanics, Car and Driver, and Consumer Reports, and her voice would send the audience into a North of the Border frenzy unseen since the days of Pamela Anderson’s last breast augmentation.

So there you have it.  A few ideas for Jayman and the IWS Radio Show for this coming Sunday.

Enjoy your Tuesday, and whatever happens, we will as always, bring you the news first, fast, and factual.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page  

Furries, Human Blow Up Dolls, Poetry and More on a Lost Weekend!

IWS Radio continues to roll right along people! Even when we don’t have a set topic we just get on the air and kill it! This week’s “Lost Weekend” episode was no exception. We …

- Talked about March Madness and how much fun it has been.

- Celebrated University of Dayton’s tremendous success.

- Got an update on the tournament from Slyder Balzcock

- Discussed the big Furries Convention going on in Atlanta and how much fun that must be.

- Talked some more about the missing MH370 plane and mocked CNN for their coverage.

- Heard a brilliant poem from Jameson Jay read by Paul Piatt

- Drew Peacock described the hot and sensual haircut he got last week.

- Heard soothing yet inspiring words from Tammy Tibbles’ mother, Ma Tibbles

- Talked about Katella Dash, the human blow up doll. (Katella is totally invited on the show anytime)

- Celebrated National Chip and Dip Day!

- Enjoyed some hot rock ‘n roll by Aunt Jackie covering “Hurt So Good”

- Check in with IWS’ Adorable Loser Schmoop

- And sooooooooooooo much more! Totally check it out!!!

Check Out Comedy Podcasts at Blog Talk Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

IWS Person of the Week: The University of Dayton Men's Basketball Team

This week has been full of Vladimir Putin acting like the short, yet squeaky wheel that he is.

As usual, Sean Hannity has been suffering from menstrual cramps and blaming his pain on President Obama, and…

The mystery of Malaysia Airlines Flight MH370 remains unsolved.

Putin, Hannity, and/or Capt. Zahari Ahmad Shah could have been the IWS Person of the Week this week, but persons much bigger and more likable, captured the imagination of us all and are more than worthy of the title…

IWS Persons of the Week, and those folks are…

The University of Dayton Men’s Basketball Team!!

On Thursday of this week, THE UD Flyers kicked off March Madness by defeating and humiliating an Ohio State University basketball program, sending the Buckeyes back to Cowtown…

And?  The Dayton Daily News reported this event as only it could be reported…

Last night during the NCAA Round of 32 the lowly boys from Dayton, Ohio were expected to cower before yet another Goliath of NCAA Basketball.

The Big.  The Bad.  The former titans of the Big East and now of the ACC...The Orangemen of Syracuse.

Pffffffffffffft.

The Flyers did not cower.  They did not hide.  They did not make a free-throw to save their lives, and yet?

They defeated Syracuse and now, move on to the Sweet Sixteen.  So…

Here’s to the Dayton Flyers...a team that has reached the National Championship before, and just may do it again!!

And for more on March Madness, how winter is clinging to the world, and a hodgepodge of other news, join IWS Radio LIVE today from Noon-2 PM ET as Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio gang light up the airwaves and the laughter while double-dribbling the issues of the day with major sarcasm.

To join the fun and frivolity LIVE, click HERE!!

Matt Said Jay Said 3212104

Matt and Jay conversate while you get lost in their eyes.

Jay: HOW THE HELL ARE YA MATT-MAN?!
Matt: I really don’t think yelling is necessary.
Jay: You don’t?
Matt: No, it’s just a personal preference though.
Jay: Well, I want you to be happy so I won’t yell.
Matt: That’s nice, thanks.
Jay: So what’s for dinner?
Matt: NOT BREAD THAT’S WHAT!
Jay: Damn, that no bread Lent thing is a struggle, yo!
Matt: I’m either having an omelet or chicken nuggets.
Jay: Or a chicken nugget omelet?
Matt: That doesn’t sound good.
Jay: Well, it’s no TUNA PIZZA!
Matt: Hey now, that was pretty good.
Jay: I doubt it.
Matt: Have you ever tried it?
Jay: No, I have too much self-respect for that.
Matt: Oh I doubt THAT!

Jay: *tap … tap … tap … tap*
Matt: What the hell are you doing now?
Jay: Nothing
Matt: You’re doing something. I can hear it.
Jay: I was just tapping my pen on the desk.
Matt: Well you need to stop.
Jay: I’m burning off nervous energy.
Matt: Well, can’t you do that some other way.
Jay: I can, but I need something to do with my hands.
Matt: Ewwwwwwwww
Jay: You brought it up.
Matt: See if you can just sit still for a while, would ya?
Jay: I’ll do what I can.
Matt: Now I know why Mrs. Langston beat you with a yard stick.
Jay: Damn, that bitch was mean.
Matt: I’m thinking she had to be.
Jay: Well, maybe.

Jay: So what are we talking about this week?
Matt: Well, we’re kind of in a dead period.
Jay: Yeah, there’s not much happening.
Matt: I’m thinking it might be a lost weekend.
Jay: I’ve had a few of those, back in the day.
Matt: Haven’t we all dude, haven’t we all.
Jay: So that’s what we’re talking about?
Matt: Well, not THAT. Just kind of a hodgepodge of stuff though.
Jay: Oh, like March Madness, MH370, CNN idiocy.
Matt: Yeah. National Chip and Dip Day.
Jay: Sure .. Wait .. What?
Matt: Sunday is National Chip and Dip Day.
Jay: Well hell, we MUST celebrate that!
Matt: Right? Also, it’s the dog days of lent.
Jay: Yup. And I’m sure other news of the weird type stuff will come up.
Matt: We’ll here from Schmoop, Slyder and Paul Piatt?
Jay: Okay! Plus Drew Peacock, A movie review w/ Joshua aaaanndddd.
Matt: Some rockin' Aunt Jackie action???
Jay: Oh hail yes!
Matt: There will be no Tammy Tibbles though.
Jay: Damn. Hey! I could ask her brother Tommy if he could fill in!
Matt: Brilliant!
Jay: Or, Ma Tibbles if she’s up to it.
Matt: Even better. That whole damn family is talented.
Jay: It’s amazing!
Matt: And so are we!
Jay: Damn right!!!
Matt: This is gonna be HUGE!
Jay: I can’t wait!!

So, be sure to tune in to “The Lost Weekend” on IWS Radio Sunday at 12 Noon ET!!

Spring Horoscopes 2014

Hi and welcome to the verdant and vernal time of Spring 2014.  Andromeda Neptune
here, and I am the new astrologer to the stars and everyday people as well, for IWS Radio...Shall we begin our vernal celestial journey?  We shall...

Aries March 21-April 19...Your incredibly impressive set of tits will be auctioned off for 23 million dollars, but sadly,  will be returned post haste with a demand of a 10% surcharge for being phony and over fondled.

Taurus April 20-May 20...The 200 year old quill pen that you are so proud of, writes your own death certificate when the 200 year old eagle from which the pen feather was garnered, finds you alone, cooking brats on the grill.

Gemini May 21-June 20...Being the astrological sign of the twins, you shouldn’t be surprised that during the Spring of 2014, you will be doubly fucked.

Cancer June21-July 22...You find out far too late that eating Silly Putty is not a good way to make a cartoonish imprint of your digestive system. (Ed. Note:  Good job appealing to the 50 year old demographic, Matt-Man.)

Leo  July 23-August 22...Teaching Korean kids to tap dance is a worthy endeavor, but holding classes in the mine-laden demilitarized zone leads only to an international incident.

Virgo August 23-September 22...You finally achieve your dream of getting Boxcar Willie’s autograph when you meet him at a Waffle House in Memphis, and he uses his dirty, sweaty finger to sign your greasy napkin.

Libra September 23-October 22...The stars are aligned and are begging you to make a killing in the stock market, but…you ignore them, you stupid motherfucker.

Scorpio October 23-November 21...Ironically, upon retiring after 30 years of working at an artificial Christmas tree factory, you are outraged to discover that God does not exist, and your company’s Social Security payments have never been made.

Sagittarius November 22-December 21...Perhaps if you would quit selling those, “I Died on Malaysia Air Flight MH370 And All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt”, T-Shirts in downtown Kuala Lumpur, people would quit beating the shit out of you.

Capricorn December 22-January 19...March Madness is a NCAA College basketball tournament, not sixteen days full of goose-stepping to the Flight of the Valkyries in hopes of winning Sudetenland.  Calm down you tip-toeing skinhead, you.

Aquarius January 20-Februrary 18...It’s unfortunate that when you go to the bank and try to get change for a hundred, that the hundred dollar bill has written on it, “Give me all of your money or I will kill you.”

Pisces  February 19-March 20...You meet the most beautiful mermaid in the world; she accepts your date, and oddly, you take her to a seafood restaurant.  Really?  Date over.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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Paybacks are Hell and Enemies Lists

Hola y’all! Wooooooooo Pig Soooooooie!!! Arkansas won their first round game in the NCAA Tourna … uh …. Oh yeah. That was an NIT game, wasn’t it? Well, so what! It’s postseason play and the Hogs are not only in it they’re winning!

What’s even more awesome is that Arkansas lit up Indiana State 91-71 and finally got a little payback against those dudes. Way back in the 1979 Midwest Regional Finals, Larry Bird’s Indiana State Sycamores defeated Sidney Moncrief’s Razorbacks 73-71 and went on the Final Four and eventually lost to Magic Johnson and Michigan State in the championship game.

Late in the game against Indiana State, Arkansas point guard Ulysses S. Reed (no really, that’s his name) was basically shoved to the floor by some Sycamore thug and the refs, who were DESPERATE to protect Indiana State’s perfect record and get the Great White Hope Larry Bird to the championship game called Reed for a walk. Then, as the clocked ticked down, some bastard named Bob Heaton shuffled his feet 37 times in the lane without dribbling and tossed up the most limp-wristed hook shot I’ve ever seen that somehow went in and the Sycamore’s won the game.

I was crushed. Devastated! If I ever run into this Bob Heaton fella I’ll probably kick him in the shins. Unless he’d like to come on IWS Radio sometime and talk about the glory days of college basketball before the shot clock and three point shot. If he does that I’ll at least consider taking him off my Mortal Enemies List. Well, I won’t take him OFF the list, but he will move down it.

Oh yeah! Just like Sheldon Cooper on Big Bang Theory I have a Mortal Enemies List. Wanna know who’s on it? Okay … 

1. Bob Heaton
2. Salman Rushdie
3. Mother Teresa (deceased)
4. Old Man Jameson (mean guy who lived behind me when I was a kid) (deceased)
5. Tabby Bundy (girl who was really mean to me in high school)
6. Billy Crystal
7. Ventriloquists
8. Carson Daly
9. The chick who counts down the time before the show on BTR
10. Guy Fieri and most of the hosts on Food Network
11. Holden Caulfield

The list goes on, but the hate really lessens after the top eleven. Please note that being dead does NOT get one removed from my Mortal Enemies List. Also, I stopped at eleven because odd numbers are on lots of other people’s Mortal Enemies Lists.

Damn, this turned into a negative post. I wasn’t really intending to do that. I just wanted to celebrate Arkansas’ victory over those bastards from Terre Haute. Oh well, I can’t control where things go once I get on a roll, right?

Oh here’s something positive! I got my laptop back! Oh heck yes! I called up Mr. Computer Fix-It Dude and was like “Hey, I was just wondering if my laptop is about ready or will you be keeping it for a FORTH WEEK?” Needless to say they could tell that I had run out of patience and they just weren’t willing to push me any further. Also, it was just about ready and they told me I could pick it up after 4 pm and they were sorry it took so long. Yup, once again, I got results without having to get loud or pushy. Let that be lesson to you kids.

Oh and Bob Heaton … I didn’t have to cheat either.

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That's What Friends Are For

“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”

--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Yesterday, I received an e-mail from a listener, and she said in her e-mail…

Among other things…

From the bottom of my heart...thank you. You and Jay hold a special
place in my heart and I love being in your world, even if just a tiny
part of it.

Jay and I have been doing the website and radio show for over three years, and it would be nice to finally make some money from it, but this morning when I woke up to the following e-mail, and none of that mattered.

The worth of our website, and our show, was monetized in one simple e-mail.

And the worth of it, was turned to gold by that one e-mail.

Oh sure, Jay and I would like to one day make some money off of the show and website, but in the meantime…

If we get one e-mail a day like the one I posted, we would be pretty damn happy as well.

Jay and I do the show primarily for fun, to laugh, and to make others laugh, but a little coin never hurt nooooobody, unless it’s thrown in a manner of hate, and at high speeds, but I digress…

Sometimes, and I speak for myself (but Jay goes through the same thing), it takes 35-40 hours a week to post on the website every other day and get ready for the NUMBER ONE COMEDY SHOW on Blog Talk Radio, but..?

I love it.  Yet sometimes, I say to myself, “What the fuck; why the hell are we doing this?”  And then?

We get an e-mail like the one I printed above, and the hope of the monetary gain goes by the wayside, because the joy experienced by a listener is payment enough.

I know that this is a boring, and unfunny post, but it is a post of which I am most proud, because our little comedy show that could, changed the life of at least one person.

And really?  That’s all that matters.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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Improvising, Adapting and Overcoming

Holaaaaaaaaaaa! Hey look! It’s me! Jayman writing a blog post! I’m typing it up in MS Word first, and then I’ll upload it so that I can keep the misspelled words to a minimum. You know where I’m NOT typing though? Oh my laptop! Why? Because the computer fix-it people still have my laptop, that’s why!

Yes, it has been almost three weeks since I took it in to them, why do you ask? Three freaking weeks people! I called them this afternoon and in a friendly and understanding way asked them if my laptop was ready. “Well you see, wha … wha … what happened was the new motherboard didn’t come in until today” was their answer. Where the hell did they have to order it from? Was it custom made by slave labor in a factory in the Far East? Was in originally shipped on MH370 and then had to be replaced? I’m not paying for it twice!

Anyway, I have been patiently waiting for the return of my laptop for almost three weeks and I guess I will have to wait for another day or two. What the hell, right? I don’t even remember what it looks like now. If they asked me to come down there and pick it out of a lineup I might not be able to do it. Well, unless I was allowed to turn each one on and check them out. Mine is the one with the extensive Miley Cyrus music and picture collection.

Sorry, I couldn’t put up a pic of Miley after that last paragraph because I’m still observing the “no gratuitous pics of hot babes” Lent pledge we made. I reject that I violated that pledge with the pics of Andrea Corr or Dolores O’Riorden on Sunday because that was the “Person of the Week” post and dammit, if you’re picking favorite Irish people those two go on the list! Also, pics of Michelle Obama and Sheryl Sandberg in my “bossy” post last week were okay because they were relevant to the post and they’re not that hot.

Wait! Under those rules a pic of Miley would have been fine, right?  A pic of her would be relevant to the post since she was mentioned in a totally truthful manner. That really is the legit way I might have to identify my laptop. Granted, unlike Sheryl and Michelle, Miley is super damn hot, but that’s not her fault.

Okay, everything I said in the previous paragraph was a complete fucking lie. I’m very ashamed of myself. I should have given up lying for Lent. Eh, nobody could do that. Besides, I don’t really lie. I just say things that obviously absurd that nobody could possibly believe yet somehow you people do anyway. Don’t you feel silly? No? Well you should be. I think. Whatever.

Yeah, I really don’t know where I’m going with this. I’ve been drinking. Okay, I’m lying again. I haven’t been drinking. Not today anyway. I drank Sunday though. That Jameson was smooooooth! Damn I love that stuff. That’s why I don’t buy it very often. I drink it down pretty easily and don’t get hangovers with it. You gotta have a damn good amount of Irish in ya to pull that off!

Like I was saying though, my laptop has been gone for a long time and I miss it. It just messes everything up not to have it. Sure, I’ve got my Galaxy Tablet and I can use the Jaymom’s desktop when I need to, but I’m still all discombobulated. I was used to my laptop. My laptop was used to me. We were a team dammit and God willing we will be again soon. Maybe.

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Happy St. Patrick's Day From IWS Radio

Happy St. Patrick’s Day from Jay, IWS Radio, and yours truly, Matt-Man.

Lemme ask you something…What the hell were you doing yesterday?

I thought so…nothing.  You know what you should have been doing?  Listening to me and Jay on IWS Radio.

Yeah, I know my grammar was incorrect, but dammit…if you missed our show, you really need a swat upside the head for Godssakes.

But it’s okay, because you can always catch us in archives…

This show was full of Irish music, food, fun, and an Irish Ark full of Jay and Matt,

Online Comedy Radio at Blog Talk Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

We had Party Marty on live and some music from his band The Dreamboats.

Bobby Kraft stopped by and lamented St. Pat’s Day.  Tammy Tibbles was her creepily happy self, and Guy Ahnyurdyck was on hand to break the news on Malaysian Air Flight MH370.

Our St. Patrick’s Day show was full of heartwarming Irish laughter as well, provided by Phil Diller.

Seriously…

If you don’t listen to the IWS St. Patrick’s Day Show, you pretty much suck and well, are either British or Scottish.

Miss this show and you miss a lot…of course if you miss it, you probably don’t care, because you suck.

IWS Irish People of the Week

Since it's almost St. Patrick's Day, our Person(s) of the Week this week are our favorite Irish people!

1. Oscar Wilde

2. Andrea Corr

3. Liam Neeson

4. Maureen O'hara

and of course ...

5. Dolores O'Riordan

And really, anyone and everyone in Ireland and Northern Ireland and anyone else with some Irish blood in ya! What the hell! Also, be sure to catch our St. Patrick's Day Extravaganza on IWS Radio Sunday at 12 Noon ET!!!!

Matt Said, Jay Said 202-462-3939

Matt binges, Jay quaffs.  You, turn green.

Matt:  Top of the mornin’ to ya, laddie boy!!

Jay:  Laddie?  Mornin’?  It’s 7:30 PM.

Matt:  I know, but I’m getting my green on for Sunday’s show.  St. Patrick’s Day show, right?

Jay:  Well yeah, but do you want to become too green, too soon?
Matt:  Well…

Jay:  Maybe for now, you could be a lime or chartreuse type of Irish green and be a peak green on Sunday.

Matt:  You’re a fucking genius.

Jay:  IKR?  Hey?  Will your brother and lead singer of The Dreamboats be joining us on this prep call?

Matt:  No…His wife put him on probation.
Jay:  Why?

Matt:  I told you that last Friday, he got his green on way too early, and way too much.
Jay:  Oh yeah…See?  Ya never want to peak too soon.
Matt:  But…he “promises” to talk to us live on the air Sunday prior to St. Paddy’s Day gig.
Jay:  His promises aren't that solid, but he did make it on air last St. Patrick’s Day.
Matt:  Yep…Hopefully the Luck o’ the Irish will be with us again this year.

Jay:  In addition to your brother probably not calling us, we could talk about our fave Irish foods.
Matt:  Well, that will fill 2-3 minutes, or twenty if John Kerry does his potato speech again.
Jay:  John does love his taters…Oh, we can talk about our favorite Irish people.
Matt:  That would be awesome.  I love many an Irishman and lady.
Jay:  Me too…plus, that will give you a chance to bring up Oscar Wilde for the 15,000th time.
Matt:  And while not enough mentions of him, that’s a good start.

Jay:  We could talk about our favorite green things.
Matt:  Sure, like grass.
Jay:  Emeralds.
Matt and Jay:  BEER!!

Matt:  Wow…I hear that Paul Piatt, Phil Diller, and possibly Guy Ahnyurdyck may show up as well.
Jay:  Bobby Kraft and Drew Peacock are a definite go as well, annnnnnnnnd Matt-Man…
Matt:  O’Yes?
Jay:  Sexy Aunt Jax has a song and our fave Canadian Jamie is going to be reporting from The Hammer.

Matt:  This is all making my head spin. This show is gonna be huge.

Jay:  IKR?  Irish music, Irish food…

Matt:  Irish laughter, and a special St. Paddy’s Day rebuttal from Rep. Trey Gowdy.

Jay:  Who’s that?

Matt:  The congressman with the other worldly, yet sexy hair.

Jay:  Oh yeah…I like him, and the name Gowdy?  That’s sounds Irish.

Matt:  It does indeed, hold on…I Googled it…It’s Scots/Brit.

Jay:  Well fuck him, but if he can fill some time, that’s cool.

Matt:  Maybe we should call the Irish Embassy in D.C. as well.
Jay:  They won’t be open on Sunday though.
Matt:  No, and they’ll all be drunk on Monday, but we could leave them a nice St. Patrick’s Day message.
Jay:  Let’s Do Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Matt:  O’Kay.

To listen to IWS Radio LIVE from Noon-2 PM EDT tomorrow as we celebrate St. Patrick’s Day, you can click O’HERE!!

Only God Knows What Happened to MH370

Hola all you conspiracy theorists! So, what happened to that Malaysian Airlines flight that just disappeared? This is crazy right? I mean, big jetliners don’t just fall out of the freaking sky! Well, the internet is on it! It’s time to look at what could possibly have happened. 

They landed on a remote island.  I never watched LOST on ABC, so I don’t know if this is good or bad. I would think it will be okay if the island has a nice beach and a fresh water stream. If they landed on an island they would still be able to use the plane’s radio to call someone though. Unless they are all running away together!

They were abducted by aliens. I kind of like the idea of the plane just cruising along when all of the sudden the clouds part and a HUGE spaceship appears above them. Then the spaceship opens its bay doors and the plane is sucked into it. Now they’re all getting anal probes and about ten percent of them are enjoying it.

A meteor took the plane down. Well that would definitely suck. Imagine the odds of getting hit by a meteor while fling in an airliner? They’re probably smaller than John Boehner staying sober on St. Patrick’s Day.

They were shot down by a military jet or missile. Which country’s military shot them down? I’ll need you to decide before you can go forward with this theory. Hey look, this has happened before. Several times in fact. We just need to figure out which country did it. Oh wait! Of course!! It’s was Obama who had the plane shot down to distract from BENGHAZI!!!! I can’t believe Sen. Lindsay Graham hasn’t tossed that idea out there yet.

An electromagnetic storm took them back in time. Oooooooooooo! I like this one. Have you ever seen “The Final Countdown” with Martin Sheen, James Farentino, Katharine Ross (Editor’s note: RAWR) and IWS Radio’s Senior Weather Correspondent Kirk Douglas? Cool movie. Watch it and you’ll definitely give this theory a second thought.

An electromagnetic storm took them to a parallel dimension. Okay, what are they doing over there? The same thing they would do here? Or, maybe they’re starting a whole new race over there? I like it. I’m glad I’m not with them though ‘cause I don’t think I’m up to something like that, but good luck to ‘em.

They landed on schedule and are sitting at home watching TV hoping that missing plane is found. This would be pretty hilarious, right? I should write that up and submit it as an idea for an episode on a sitcom? I smell EMMY!

Well, these are all good and I could see any of them happening. There were four Americans on that plane so you’d think the NSA would just tell someone where the damn thing is by now. They could do it anonymously if they want. Actually, I have my own theory on where that plane is. I’ve thought this through and I think I’ve figured it out ….

THEY WERE RAPTURED! It’s really the only logical explanation. Look at the world today? War, famine, oppression and general assholery rules the day in almost every country. It’s very possible that there were only 239 people on Earth still eligible for eternal life. So, God arranged for them all to be on one plane and they flew straight to Heaven. So, while they’re walking along golden pathways in the Land Flowing of Milk and Honey, we’re all down here kidding ourselves that we have still have a chance to avoid eternal damnation.  Damn, that sucks.

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Hey! While you're here you should totally listen to IWS' own Aunt Jackie performing Thin Lizzy's "The Boys are Back in Town" on last week's episode of IWS Radio!