Only God Knows What Happened to MH370

Hola all you conspiracy theorists! So, what happened to that Malaysian Airlines flight that just disappeared? This is crazy right? I mean, big jetliners don’t just fall out of the freaking sky! Well, the internet is on it! It’s time to look at what could possibly have happened. 

They landed on a remote island.  I never watched LOST on ABC, so I don’t know if this is good or bad. I would think it will be okay if the island has a nice beach and a fresh water stream. If they landed on an island they would still be able to use the plane’s radio to call someone though. Unless they are all running away together!

They were abducted by aliens. I kind of like the idea of the plane just cruising along when all of the sudden the clouds part and a HUGE spaceship appears above them. Then the spaceship opens its bay doors and the plane is sucked into it. Now they’re all getting anal probes and about ten percent of them are enjoying it.

A meteor took the plane down. Well that would definitely suck. Imagine the odds of getting hit by a meteor while fling in an airliner? They’re probably smaller than John Boehner staying sober on St. Patrick’s Day.

They were shot down by a military jet or missile. Which country’s military shot them down? I’ll need you to decide before you can go forward with this theory. Hey look, this has happened before. Several times in fact. We just need to figure out which country did it. Oh wait! Of course!! It’s was Obama who had the plane shot down to distract from BENGHAZI!!!! I can’t believe Sen. Lindsay Graham hasn’t tossed that idea out there yet.

An electromagnetic storm took them back in time. Oooooooooooo! I like this one. Have you ever seen “The Final Countdown” with Martin Sheen, James Farentino, Katharine Ross (Editor’s note: RAWR) and IWS Radio’s Senior Weather Correspondent Kirk Douglas? Cool movie. Watch it and you’ll definitely give this theory a second thought.

An electromagnetic storm took them to a parallel dimension. Okay, what are they doing over there? The same thing they would do here? Or, maybe they’re starting a whole new race over there? I like it. I’m glad I’m not with them though ‘cause I don’t think I’m up to something like that, but good luck to ‘em.

They landed on schedule and are sitting at home watching TV hoping that missing plane is found. This would be pretty hilarious, right? I should write that up and submit it as an idea for an episode on a sitcom? I smell EMMY!

Well, these are all good and I could see any of them happening. There were four Americans on that plane so you’d think the NSA would just tell someone where the damn thing is by now. They could do it anonymously if they want. Actually, I have my own theory on where that plane is. I’ve thought this through and I think I’ve figured it out ….

THEY WERE RAPTURED! It’s really the only logical explanation. Look at the world today? War, famine, oppression and general assholery rules the day in almost every country. It’s very possible that there were only 239 people on Earth still eligible for eternal life. So, God arranged for them all to be on one plane and they flew straight to Heaven. So, while they’re walking along golden pathways in the Land Flowing of Milk and Honey, we’re all down here kidding ourselves that we have still have a chance to avoid eternal damnation.  Damn, that sucks.

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Hey! While you're here you should totally listen to IWS' own Aunt Jackie performing Thin Lizzy's "The Boys are Back in Town" on last week's episode of IWS Radio! 

I Know Who Killed John F. Kennedy

Holaaaaaaaa conspiracy theorists! We are only a couple of days away from the 50^th anniversary of the day that some emotionally unbalanced dude climbed six flights of stairs on the Texas Schoolbook Depository, set up at a window and waited for President Kennedy’s motorcade. When Kennedy’s car passed the building he took aim and fired a shot from his squirrel hunting rifle. The bullet went through JFK’s neck, through the seat in front him, through John Connally’s chest, arm and leg. Then apparently it jumped out of Connally’s leg, ricocheted off the door of the Presidential Caddy and hit JFK in the head. Or something like that.

Thus was born one of the truly great conspiracies of all time. Did Lee Harvey Oswald shoot JKF and did he act alone? I threw it out on my Facebook page today to see who believed what. I was a bit disappointed in the results, but it’s possible that most people are really tired of the Kennedy assassination conspiracies. Mostly I got answers like “The One-Armed Man” or “Obama” or “Dick Cheney” jokes.

I did find it a bit humorous that some of the people who believe every single right-wing and/or left-wing “the Illuminati and United Nations (or Masons or New World Order or whothefuckever) have taken over our government” conspiracy say they believe LHO acted alone and totally trust our government to tell us the truth. But, if you really think about it, the idea that Oswald acted alone is pretty much the least plausible of all the major conspiracies and therefore it does make sense that these guys would believe it.

One interesting suggestion was that Howard Donahue, the Secret Service’s own Barney Fife is the one who actually shot Kennedy in the head. I love this theory only for the idea of an SS guy hearing a gunshot, panicking, pulling his gun from its holster, struggling to put the bullet in it and BLAM! He blows the head off the leader of the free world.

The lovely, talented and OMG SEXYASHELL Mz. Knight suggested Sinatra was in on it. Given his Mafia connections and temper I can actually see this happening. Maybe he did it to help his good friend Ronald Reagan out? Maybe it was for Nixon. Maybe he was mad that Marilyn Monroe preferred JFK to him? Who knows?

There were a couple of people who kinda believe it was the Cubans, the Mafia, the CIA or J. Edgar Hoover. These are all fairly plausible ideas. I mean, each of those organizations not only had reason to kill Kennedy, but the resources to do it and keep it secret. Of course, these organizations have never kept anything else a secret or pulled off anything this clever in their existence, but you know, maybe something went at planned once for them?

The Jaymom has been working on this for many years and might be onto something. She says that J. Edgar Hoover is behind it and that he probably worked with the Mafia to get it done. She believes that Hoover was “owned” by the Mafia and even if he didn’t conceive of the idea of killing Kennedy, he was all in once it was proposed to him. This would make sense given that Hoover denied the existence of the Mafia and butted heads with Attorney General Bobby Kennedy over the prosecution of the non-existent organized crime families.

I would say that I pretty much agree with that. It was the greatest Mafia hit of all time. They recruited Oswald and set him up as their fall guy. Hoover knew of the plan and allowed it to go forward and even protected its secrecy. But, I go a little further than the Jaymom. I also believe that Jack Ruby was the guy on the Grassy Knoll (I once sat on the Grassy Knoll and drank a Budweiser so I’m totally an expert on this) and that Ruby killed Oswald to keep him quiet. I really don’t buy the theory that Ruby was just a distraught night club owner. Dude was as mobbed up as Sinatra!

I guess we’ll never really know. Maybe there’s somebody somewhere in the FBI or another government agency that will release all the evidence and tell us the truth someday. I just hope if they do, it won’t be as disappointing and anti-climactic as finding out that Mark Felt was “Deep Throat.” What a letdown that was!

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