Improvising, Adapting and Overcoming

Holaaaaaaaaaaa! Hey look! It’s me! Jayman writing a blog post! I’m typing it up in MS Word first, and then I’ll upload it so that I can keep the misspelled words to a minimum. You know where I’m NOT typing though? Oh my laptop! Why? Because the computer fix-it people still have my laptop, that’s why!

Yes, it has been almost three weeks since I took it in to them, why do you ask? Three freaking weeks people! I called them this afternoon and in a friendly and understanding way asked them if my laptop was ready. “Well you see, wha … wha … what happened was the new motherboard didn’t come in until today” was their answer. Where the hell did they have to order it from? Was it custom made by slave labor in a factory in the Far East? Was in originally shipped on MH370 and then had to be replaced? I’m not paying for it twice!

Anyway, I have been patiently waiting for the return of my laptop for almost three weeks and I guess I will have to wait for another day or two. What the hell, right? I don’t even remember what it looks like now. If they asked me to come down there and pick it out of a lineup I might not be able to do it. Well, unless I was allowed to turn each one on and check them out. Mine is the one with the extensive Miley Cyrus music and picture collection.

Sorry, I couldn’t put up a pic of Miley after that last paragraph because I’m still observing the “no gratuitous pics of hot babes” Lent pledge we made. I reject that I violated that pledge with the pics of Andrea Corr or Dolores O’Riorden on Sunday because that was the “Person of the Week” post and dammit, if you’re picking favorite Irish people those two go on the list! Also, pics of Michelle Obama and Sheryl Sandberg in my “bossy” post last week were okay because they were relevant to the post and they’re not that hot.

Wait! Under those rules a pic of Miley would have been fine, right?  A pic of her would be relevant to the post since she was mentioned in a totally truthful manner. That really is the legit way I might have to identify my laptop. Granted, unlike Sheryl and Michelle, Miley is super damn hot, but that’s not her fault.

Okay, everything I said in the previous paragraph was a complete fucking lie. I’m very ashamed of myself. I should have given up lying for Lent. Eh, nobody could do that. Besides, I don’t really lie. I just say things that obviously absurd that nobody could possibly believe yet somehow you people do anyway. Don’t you feel silly? No? Well you should be. I think. Whatever.

Yeah, I really don’t know where I’m going with this. I’ve been drinking. Okay, I’m lying again. I haven’t been drinking. Not today anyway. I drank Sunday though. That Jameson was smooooooth! Damn I love that stuff. That’s why I don’t buy it very often. I drink it down pretty easily and don’t get hangovers with it. You gotta have a damn good amount of Irish in ya to pull that off!

Like I was saying though, my laptop has been gone for a long time and I miss it. It just messes everything up not to have it. Sure, I’ve got my Galaxy Tablet and I can use the Jaymom’s desktop when I need to, but I’m still all discombobulated. I was used to my laptop. My laptop was used to me. We were a team dammit and God willing we will be again soon. Maybe.

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FromYouFlowers.Com...Your Customer Service Is Wilting

Happy Friday and I hope all of you will have a wonderful weekend and have had a most happy time during this post-Valentine’s Day week.

I know…again with Valentine’s Day?  I know…It’s passed…it’s gone…it was sooooo LAST week, you say.

Well…not for a very close friend of the IWS Radio Show.

Our friend Angie, purchased a guaranteed Valentine’s Day delivery of flowers that looked something like this from fromyouflowers.com for her wife…

Well…Angie’s wife didn't get them on Valentine’s Day because there were “issues”…Meaning, fromyouflowers.com screwed up, but….we will never know what those issues were.

Perhaps, it was incompetence, but who am I to judge or speculate?

Here’s the thing…when the flowers that Angie did order arrived on Monday the 17th, they looked like this…

Appalled as Angie should be, she contacted fromyouflowers.com and rightfully demanded reciprocity for the late, skanky-ass looking dead flowers that her spouse received on Valentine’s Day, three days late no less.

Well here is what Angie’s wife received from fromyouflowers.com as an acceptable replacement for what Angie purchased for $50 and arrived late…

Seriously?

Why not send Angie and her wife a bucket full of milkweed and call it even?

Sad.

If fromyouflowers.com has any respectability and a sense of corporate responsibility, they will send Angie and her wife something like this…

AND…they will send them a coupon for a free dinner at a nice restaurant in their area.

I mean c’mon…they spoiled Valentine’s Day for Angie and Macey, so do the right thing and make it up to them.

If fromyouflowers.com is truly in the love and happiness business, they will make this happen for one of the cutest couples I have ever known, and they can get a hold of me in order to do so, and I will supply their information.

And if they don’t?  There is going to be hell to pay this Sunday on the IWS Radio Show!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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Pizza Delivery Stories

Hola pizza lovers! Matt always has great stories about the morons who come though the Beer Mine all the time. That always gets me to thinking about some of the strange people that I delivered pizzas to back in the day when I was in college and working at a pizza joint.  So, I thought I would list some of them here…

- I delivered a large supreme pizza to some dudes in a trailer who had a HUGE pile of marijuana on the coffee table.  Also sitting there was a Glock .40.  The guy sitting on the couch looked at me and said “I guess you know that you haven’t seen anything here today, right?” And he gave me that knowing “we’ll come cut your balls off and stuff them down your through and then shoot you in the head” nod.  I was like “absolutely!” 

They gave me a $5 tip.   I’m pretty sure dudes with a table full of cocaine would have tipped better. 

- I once delivered a small cheese pizza to one of the richest people in Arkansas.  His house was actually outside of our delivery area, but you want to stay friends with people like this.  So, I got up to his ridiculously large house and before I could get out of the car I was face to face with a Great Dane. 

After about a minute Mr. Rich Guy came running out of the house and got the dog and said the dog wasn’t dangerous at all.  Anyway, I got out of the car and gave him his pizza.  Turned out he had a coupon for the pizza for only $4.99 (tax included).  He paid with a twenty.  So, I gave him a ten, five ones and HIS PENNY as change.  He took the money and his pizza and turned around walked into the house without so much as saying thank you or giving me a tip.

- I once delivered to a Days Inn and a man who was probably in his 60s answered the door naked. Lying on the bed was a naked woman about his age. They invited me to come back after I got off work.  I declined.

- I also delivered to a guy who looked to be in his 50s or maybe 60 at another hotel.  Lying on the bed in his room was a girl who looked to be a teenager wearing a half shirt and panties.  I’m pretty sure it wasn’t his daughter either.  They did NOT invite me back.

- I was offered drugs and/or alcohol in lieu actual money all the time.  The problem with that was that I would have to pay for the pizza myself if I accepted.  Well, until I became one of the managers.  Then, someone would come in and offer me a couple of beers for a pizza and I would say “sure!”

- I never once had a lonely MILF offer sex for pizza.  Or just sex.  Those porno movies are terrible the way they make everyone believe that happens all the time.  But, there was a girl who lived in the apt. complex behind the store who offered sex for pizza once.  She was all kinds of messed up and my conscious got the better of me and I just gave her a pizza and declined her special offer. 

- I did have guys offer blow jobs a few times.  Oddly enough they never offered a blow job for the pizza.  The always paid and then made the offer.  I declined, but it sometimes it’s nice just to be asked.

- The worst part of working there was the callers.  Every single day people would ask if we had wings, breadsticks, sandwiches or even pasta dishes.  We didn’t have any of those things.  We were a bare bones ghetto pizza operation.  We didn’t even deliver soft drinks. 

So, people would ask if we would pick up any of those things from another place on our way to delivering our pizza. 

“Will you get us some wings from somewhere else and deliver those too?” 

“Will you drive through McDonalds for my kids on the way here?”

“Will you drive through the liquor store for me?”

“Will you stop and get me cigarettes and/or a Coke on the way?”

Sometimes we would agree to do it, but those people almost never tipped. Man, people suck.

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