Exploring Facebook Groups ...

Hola friends and potential friends! I want to introduce a new series for the blog. I’ve been trying to find ways to make Facebook more useful and fun and I think I might have found one. I’ve been going through Groups to see what all topics are covered. Needless to say there are lots of groups for just about any topic. One that I found most interesting are the “Add Me” or “Add Lots of New Friends” groups.

The idea is that everyone who joins the group should add everyone as a friend and we all get big friend numbers and look really cool and popular. I thought this would be as good a place as any to start. I joined one of them and posted “Hey everyone! Add me please!” Five people added me. Only one is still a “friend.” Here’s what happened with the other four….

Babe 1:

Her: Hello
Me: Hello
Her: Do you like me?
Me: Well, I don’t know you.
Her: But, you think I’m cute?
Me: Yeah, you’re cute.
Her: So you like me?
Me: You seem nice.
Her: Just nice?
Me: I don’t really know you.
Her: You looking for wife?

I defriended her in a panic. I wish I hadn’t. That could have been comedy gold.

Dude 1:

Him: Hey!
Me: Hello
Him: How are you?
Me: Great. How are you?
Him: Good. Hey can I ask you a question?
Me: Okay
Him: Can you suggest friends for me?
Me: I guess.
Him: Well, just the girls really.
Me: Just the girls?
Him: Yeah, girls think I’m cute.
Me: Some guys might think you’re cute too.
Him: Oh man! That’s not funny!
Me: It’s a little funny.
Him: Only a little!
Me: Most of the girls I know would find it very funny.
Him: Okay, don’t suggest them then.
Me: Okay.

He then defriended me.

Dude 2:

Him: Hey man!
Me: Hola!
Him: You’re Spanish?
Me: Uh, no.
Him: LOL … Okay
Me: What’s up?
Him: Thanks for accepting my friend request.
Me: Thanks for adding me.
Him: No prob. So, what you looking for?
Me: Well, nothing really.
Him: So why did you join that group?
Me: Just seemed like a good idea.
Him: It’s pretty cool. I’ve met lots of dudes there.
Me: Cool. I just joined today.
Him: Cool. So, you into dudes?
Me: Uhhhh … No, sorry.
Him: Don’t be sorry. You’re the one missing out.
Me: Ha! Okay.
Him: You ever had a guy suck you off?
Me: No
Him: How do you know?
Me: I checked.
Him: You’d never really know if you didn’t check.
Me: That’s why I check.
Him: If she had sex change, you wouldn’t know.
Me: I guess that’s possible.
Him: Probable, I’d say.
Me: Ha! Unlikely.
Him: Anyway, you’re missing out.
Me: If you say so.
Him: I do. Bye dude.
Me: Bye

He then defriended me.

Babe 2:

Her: Hi there
Me: Howdy
Her: LOL
Me: Why was that funny?
Her: Americans say “Howdy” a lot.
Me: Oh, okay.
Her: You wanna be my friend?
Me: Sure.
Her: But not too friendly
Me: Okay.  What’s “too friendly”
Her: Like making passes at me.
Me: Okay. I won’t.
Her: Good cause I would get into trouble.

I’m thinking “Oh crap, she’s underage!”

Me: Why would you get into trouble?
Her: Being too friendly with a white man
Me: REALLY?
Her: Yes, not me, but my family.
Me: That’s sad.
Her: Yes cause I love white men.
Me: Well that’s a problem
Her: Only for me.
Me: Or a white man who falls for you.
Her: That makes me sad.
Me: It is pretty sad.
Her: Maybe I can convince them they’re wrong.
Me: I hope so.
Her: Me too.
Me: Good luck
Her: Thanks. Bye!
Me: Bye

That one kind of made me sad. Anyway, there are lots and lots of groups out there on Facebook. Most of the posts in them are just spam, but there are some real people there too. I’m going to keep joining them and will report back to you guys on them.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Halloween Isn't Scary...Everyday Life Is!!

Happy Halloween you sexy ghosts and wacky goblins.

Unless you live in Amish country or have mean, uncaring, evangelical Christian parents, you know that today is Halloween…

A day in which children from 2 to 92 with joy in their hearts and senses of fun, roam about the earth dressed in fun costumes, or in the case of the older children…

Dress as pimps and sluts, go to the bars, and drink until they get their chance to make it with someone dressed as Frankenstein or Miley Cyrus.

However, Halloween for many is just a fun time to enjoy being scared.

People love to pay to walk through manufactured “haunted houses” whose proceeds go to the recently crippled kid down the street, the wife whose husband was killed in a grain elevator accident, or to the local Kiwanis Club so that they can continue to do whatever it is the Kiwanis Club does.

I don’t really get scared by “haunted houses” and the traditional Halloween stuff, however…

In every day life, there are a boatload of things that scare the hell out of me, and/or more accurately, give me an exponential case of the heebie-jeebies.

Spiders?  Snakes?  Pffffffft.  While I am always leery of those two creepy crawly types, nothing freaks me out more than fast moving multi-legged bugs, many of which I have never seen, nor even knew existed.

I hate bugs who just appear out of the blue…bugs that have never been pictured in textbooks, and believe me…

They’re out there!!  ICK!!

Body Lotion…Oh Dear GAWD…Just thinking of putting that greasy crap on my arms and legs even after completing forty days and nights in the desert with Jesus, makes my skin crawl.  Uuch!!

Brussels Sprouts and Eggplant…Seriously?  They both suck…They are things that those stupid Kiwanis Club Haunted Houses would use for their dish of “Frankenstein’s Brains.”  And what really gets me about Eggplant?  I have heard often…

“Try Eggplant Lasagna, it’s really good.”  And of course I reply, “But I think Eggplant is gross.”

And then I hear, “No, it’s really good; you won’t even taste it.”

If it’s really good, why allegedly, does it not have any taste!!?  Eggplant pushers!!

And if you are my age or older, remember getting nose drops when you were a kid with a cold? They’ll clear you right up…

And the nose drops, pressured down your nose by Mama and Papa Mengele always went to the back of your throat and tasted liked carp piss.  Ugh.

And here’s one that I think many people feel more than uncomfortable with…

When I worked for SEIU, we had many meetings, many conferences, many planning sessions.

And of course when you have big groups like that, said groups must have break-out sessions and mini-meetings contained within said meeting or conference.

These twenty-one words were uttered often during those meetings, and to this day, give me a giant case of the goo…

“Before we begin our meeting, why don’t we go around the table, introduce ourselves, and share a little something about ourselves?”

Whenever I heard, or hear that to this day, I curl up into a fetal position and while crying, say what I always wanted to say to that question/order…

“Hi.  My name is Matt.  I eat scrambled rats brains for breakfast. I eat my girlfriend for lunch, and for dinner?  I go meatless, and drink my own, day-old urine from a rusty, empty Beefaroni can. How you doin’?”

Oh dear God, how I hate that more than anything…Well…

Except for expiration dates on food and milk and food.

I never used to care about those, but man…If I come across a container of milk that expires on the day on which I want to drink it?

It better have a time stamp on it as well.  Because an expiration date of 10/31/2013 at 8 AM ain’t the same as 10/31/2013 9 PM.

Thanks a lot Dad!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Halloween? Not a Fan ...

Hola … uh … BOO! Or something. It’s Halloween time and once again I’m just trying to pretend it isn’t happening. As usual I will be turning off the porch light and covering the windows with blackout curtains and will refuse to answer the door when the little bastards knock anyway. Thursday morning I will inspect my car hoping that no one messed with. That’s basically my Halloween routine. I did carve a jack-o-lantern once though…

I know a lot of you guys out there love Halloween, but I’m just not a fan. I don’t like all the creepy costumes. I don’t like the silly pranks. I don’t like people dressing up as something or someone they’re not. I DO like the treats though. That’s the only thing about Halloween that is cool. Let’s list the best treats to hand out …

Chocolate:

1. Kit-Kat Bars
2. Kit-Kat Dark Chocolate
3. Mr. Goodbar
4. Krackel
5. Hershey’s Milk Chocolate
6. Hershey’s Dark Chocolate

Candy:

1. Smarties
2. Sweet Tarts
3. Skittles
4. Spree
5. Lemon Drops
6. Starburst

You really can’t go wrong with any of those options right there. If I did hand out stuff I would give out the big candy bars instead of those miniature ones. For the kids with the really cute costumes (brought to the door by a MILF) I would even give the big ONE POUND CANDY BAR! Hell yeah! For some I would give a whole big bag of Skittles. Maybe even a Family Size bag of Doritos. What the hell!

That would be a lot of fun and I would be a freaking hero to all the kids in the neighborhood. They would be offering to mow my lawn or shovel snow off my driveway for free just because they thought I was cool. Some of them would try to convince their mother to leave their dad for me or possibly they would introduce me to their sister who goes to college.

The best part would be how I could hold this popularity over the assholes to hand out fruit and other “healthy” stuff on Halloween. Those people are the worst! If someone gave me some crappy multi-grain health bar for Halloween I would probably let the air out of his tires later that night. Ha! I could see those people trying to compete with my family size bag of Doritos by giving kids a regular sized bag of Veggie Chips or worse … VEGAN CHIPS! AHHHHHHH!!! Freaks.

Honestly though, I’ve just never had any really good Halloween experiences. Way back when I was in grade school we used to have Halloween carnivals each year. As usual I never really won anything cool. We played games like musical chairs and had a cake walk and I don’t know what all else. I’m sure I won some cookies and I think I did when a big piece of cake once, but it turned out to be coconut. YUCK!

In high school I was on the newspaper staff and we teamed up with the nerds on the yearbook staff to have a Halloween party. I put on a suit and a Ronald Reagan mask as my costume. He was pretty much the scariest person or thing I could think of. Okay, maybe I was the nerd. Whatever.

Anyway, they set up a haunted house in the study hall room that we had to go through. It wasn’t all that scary but it was really dark and I couldn’t find the door to the library where the party was supposed to be. The vampires and zombies were breathing down my neck and I’m pretty sure one of the groped me in the crotch area. Aaaaaand, I think it was a dude who did it. A teacher actually. I’ll discuss that with my therapist though.

We did have a Halloween party one year when I was in college. It was a strange night. Only a few people showed up at first, but then a bunch of people all came at the same time. Then it died out and BOOM a bunch of people showed up late night. Of course my roommate and his girlfriend took advantage of having an audience and had a big fight. OH THE DRAMA!

Anyway, that’s pretty much been my experience with Halloween and well, it just hasn’t gone well. Maybe someday I’ll learn to appreciate Halloween a little more. Maybe.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook
@Jayman_IWS  

The Chupacabra Speaks !!

Hola and a Feliz Martes to you all.  The Chupacabra here, and I have a few things to say to all of you Chupacabra haters.

What the hell is your problemo?

Why you be hating on the Chupacabra so damn much?  And another thing…

How come Jay and Matt had a Wicca priest on their radio show in order to dispel all of the misconceptions and hurtful comments about the Wicca religion, and yet, they ignore me…

The Chupacabra.

Frankly, it’s not fair.

Sure, I am an animal that sucks the blood and flesh from goats, but that doesn’t mean that you have to call me Chupacabra…the goat sucker.

I am much more than that, and I have feelings.  My name is Jorge Hernandez!!  Damn Glad To Meet You!!

Y’know?

I have always wanted to be able to go along and get along with you folks.  All I ever wanted from you was a few scraps from your cena table so that I could feed my family.

Sure, I may not be the most handsome pirate at the Cinco de Mayo Ball, but maybe if you could have looked past my crazy eyes and razor sharp teeth dripped in rabies, you would have noticed that I have a huge heart full of warmth and compassion.

But no…

When I initially showed up at your backyard barbeque and heroin transaction party in order to secure food for my family, all I ever got was…

“Ewwwwwwwwww, a goat sucking freak of nature….RUN!!”

Fuck you.  I’m better than that.  I am Jorge Hernandez, and I don’t take no stinkin’ government handouts nor ill-gotten giveaways from the Mexican drug cartels.  I, much like the entrepreneurial can collector in the U.S., go door-to-door looking for my family’s next meal.

However, as I roamed from yard to yard, and hacienda to hacienda in search of tables scraps for my wife and cinco niños, my name unfairly became synonymous with dirty, low-life goat suckers…aka, The Chupacabra.

I am sorry that it has come to this, but ever since you have locked your trash cans, electrified your fences, and put a Mexican contract out on me, I, Jorge Hernandez, have been forced to wiggle through your high tech fences, break through the walls of your tin shacks, and get the damn food out of your un-refridgerated refrigerators by means of frightening and menacing you all.

In fact, I find it funny that you smart humans surround your 200 peso tin shacks with 5,000 peso electric fences.

When I come home with your food for my family, my wife will ask, "Jorge?  What's for supper?"

I always respond...

"A big platter of irony, that's what!!"

I did not want it to come to this, however…

In addition to feeding my family, my wife Ana is six months pregnant with our sixth child…Our youngest, Luis, needs new corrective shoes, and our oldest, Juan, needs dinero in order to attend a tryout session in Mexico City next month for the Mexican boy band, Juan Direction.

You see?

I am but a simple hound dog of Mexican society with large paws, sharp teeth, and a huge heart.  I just want to get along, and get a little help from you all.

Is that so wrong?

My name is Jorge Hernandez, and I’d rather just inconspicuously garner the scraps of your wealth, say thank you and move on, and not continue to be deemed a diabolical and “mysterious” caricature and freak of nature promulgated by cable TV.

¡Salud!,

Jorge Hernandez

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

An it Harm None, Do as Ye Will

Hola all you heathens! Woo-Boy! Let me tell ya, we had a EPIC show yesterday on IWS Radio! We had Rev James Smith PhD High Priest and founder of the Celtic Wicca Coven on and he rocked the house. He told us all about Wicca and Druidism and shot down a whole lot of the myths about both.

I’ll be honest with you guys, when I threw the idea out there to Matt-Man last Sunday that we find someone involved with Wicca for our Halloween Show, I was really thinking about someone similar to Michelle Pfeiffer from “Witches of Eastwick.” I really didn’t think we could find an actual Wicca High Priest who would be so personable and knowledgeable.

We tried to trip Dr. Smith up. We threw all the big myths about Wicca at him. You know, witchcraft, sorcery, devil worshiping, dark arts and the idea that Wiccans (and Druids) are just a bunch of dope smoking hippies getting jiggy with it out there in a field under the full moon. I was especially disappointed to find that the dope smoking hippies getting jiggy with it wasn’t true. But, we’ve all had our hopes shattered before. All we can do is accept it and move on with our lives.

Dr. Smith pointed out a number of things that people don’t know about Wicca…

- Wicca is not patriarchal like most religions are.
- There is no central “governing authority” over Wicca.
- Wiccans don’t believe in or acknowledge Satan or Hell.
- Very few people engage in Wicca practices nude. (Bummer, right?)
- Wiccans do spells which are very much like blessings and prayers.
- Wiccans believe that the spirit of the Goddess and God exist in all things.
- No magick is done for the purposes of hurting anyone. Whatever you do others, will come back to you threefold.
- The witches and Wiccans you see in modern pop culture like movies and TV shows don’t exist.
- Wiccans (and Druids) are still persecuting in many ways by society.
- Wiccans only want to live in harmony with nature, be good members of society and respect one another.
- Not all Pagans are Wiccans, not all Wiccans are Pagans.
- The Pentagram is a five point star that means “Water” Earth” “Fire” “Air” and “Spirit” (It isn’t the sign of the Occult.)
- They do cool chants, one of which Rev Smith shared with us on the air.

Is that so wrong? Does that sound like the monsters and/or evil hag witches that you see on TV and in the movies all the time? Hell no! In fact, one could actually make the argument that what most people who practice religions like Christianity are most afraid of is Wiccan’s ability to be tolerant and accepting of everyone and everyone’s choices. (Well, not really bad people like pedophiles and wife beaters and that kind of shit.) Another thing that “tradition” religions fear is how Wiccans don’t try to take control of your life. They don’t use judgment, shame and fear to try and control people and keep them in line.

I really don’t see why so many people are so afraid of Wiccans. They seem pretty harmless to me. I would say the really bad people are the two closed-minded and intolerant people who defriended me on Facebook after I posted a link to the show. No Wiccan would ever do that!

Anyway, there’s lots more cool stuff in yesterday’s show about Wicca AAAAAND a dramatic reading of Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Raven” by the IWS Players! You should totally check it out. If you don’t it will only result in bad karma for you in the future. Or something.

Discover Comedy Internet Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

IWS Person of the Week...The Lindner Coffin Company

Sometimes it is said that death takes a holiday, other times it is said, especially in the realm of coffin advertising...

When you do die, take the holiday with you...and that is what the Lindner Coffin Company of Wągrowiec, Poland is all about.

See?  Death is hard not only on the family but on the person who died as well, so? Both the family and the deceased  should enjoy the shock and hardness of death, by being hard in his or her casket.

Having trouble picking out a box made of pine?  How about picking this one that will make you stiffer than you already are?

Are you some type of British Baron or Viscount who has recently passed?  Lady Styx will supply you with more wood than you ever had during your days on Earth...

Are you an Eastern European man who has succumbed to the starch of too many potatoes and too many liters of vodka?  Well then...Allow Miss Dirt Sleep of Danzig 2013, Danya, to ease the pain as you enter the realm of the earthworm...

Here's to the Lindner Coffin Company of Wągrowiec, Poland for taking the bold step and saying to all who die...

"We come.  And the we go.  But that doesn't mean that we can't cum while we are going."

Here's to you, the  Lindner Coffin Company...The Coffin Company with a pulse.

Annnnnnnd...As we celebrate Halloween on IWS Radio today LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET, join us as we talk with Rev. James Smith, High Priest and Founder of the Celtic Wiccan Coven, and dig this folks...

The IWS Radio players will be doing a dramatic reading of Edgar Allan Poe's, The Raven.  Trust me, it's a hoot!!

So Happy Halloween, Happy Samhain, and click HERE in order to catch us LIVE today from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio!!

Matt Said Jay Said 8706882906

Matt: Hellooooo! Bagwine residence, gentleman of the house speaking!
Jay: Yo
Matt: You’re supposed to answer in a British accent.
Jay: I can’t do one.
Matt: And you call yourself a performer.
Jay: Oh I can perform.
Matt: STOP! Let’s not go there.
Jay: Your fault, you used “performer.”
Matt: Maybe I should have used “entertainer.”
Jay: I would have had no snappy comeback for that.
Matt: You would have said some smart ass thing.
Jay: That’s just who I am though.
Matt: That’s all anyone wants you to be.
Jay: I guess. Probably.
Matt: Yeah, probably.
Jay: What’s for dinner?
Matt: Turkey Tetrazzini
Jay: Excellent! I’m having chicken stew.
Matt: You are the Stewmeister!
Jay: I’m going to put that on my Twitter bio.
Matt: That will bring all the babes to your yard.
Jay: Where they can pick up the empty beer cans.
Matt: And then make you a sandwich.

Jay: Ooooooo I just got poked by *NAME REDACTED*
Matt: Oh really? That’s hawt!
Jay: Aaaand I got poked by *Name Redacted*
Matt: I don’t really like her.
Jay: I want to fuck her.
Matt: WHHHHHAAAAATTTT?
Jay: What?
Matt: You want to what her?
Jay: What are you talking about?
Matt: What you just said.
Jay: I said “I’m lucky to know her.”
Matt: I really don’t think that’s what you said!
Jay: YOU’RE AN OLD MAN!
Matt: My hearing isn’t going THAT FAST!
Jay: I think it is.
Matt: I’m appalled at you.
Jay: You’ll get over it.
Matt: MAYBE!

Jay: Oh hey!
Matt: Yes?
Jay: What is a Wiccan?
Matt: Well, someone who believes in Wicca.
Jay: And Wicca issssss?
Matt: Uhh .. Well, it’s complicated.
Jay: Are they witches?
Matt: Not really. It’s nature that has magical powers.
Jay: Fascinating.
Matt: It is! Why do you ask?
Jay: I think we should have a Wicca expert on for our Halloween show.
Matt: Well, it just so happens I know someone who knows someone!
Jay: Sweet!
Matt: Wicca High Priest James Smith!
Jay: Well get him on the show!
Matt: DONE!
Jay: Oh man! This is gonna be HUGE!
Matt: IKR?! Now we have to do actual prep!
Jay: Whoa! I hadn’t thought about that.
Matt: Maybe some research.
Jay: Maybe even more than Wikipedia
Matt: Things just got real.
Jay: We can do it!
Matt: Damn right we can!
Jay: Okay then! I’m excited!
Matt: Me too!
Jay: Okay, bye.
Matt: Later

Be sure to join us as we welcome Dr. James Smith to IWSRadio on Sunday at 12 Noon ET! We will be learning all about Wicca and Druidism and maybe he’ll even teach us a good spell to use on someone!

Wicca Chicks are Hot, but We Got a High Priest

Happy Halloween Weekend kids!!

I am working allllllllll weekend. That’s right.

Today Noon-9, and tomorrow 11-9. Yet…

God has given me a purpose.

Serve others…

Serve others lots and lots of beer.

Actually, it should be fun, and I will have my camera at the ready, as there might be some hot chicks dressed up as pirate wenches coming through.

As for me? I am working the Beer Mine dressed as a Priest today. I can’t wait to say to the kids when they come through with their parents:

“Hey little boy, would you like a sucker?”

Good times, good times.

Jay and I have our best ever IWS Radio show in the works for you this Sunday.

We have High Priest and Founder of the Celtic Wicca Coven, the Rev. James Smith on board, but we also, have Jamie, Paul Piatt, Martin, Drew, and others on board reading Edgar Allan Poe’s, The Raven.

This show is going to fill your Trick-or-Treat basket with Mounds of Almond Joy and leave you with the feeling that you should have long ago, left for the last train to the Clark Bar station.

What?  Was that a stretch?  It doesn't matter.  You know why?

Upon listening to this Sunday’s IWS Radio Show, you are going to say unto yourself…

“I feel like I have been to the Milky Way and back.”

And yet, you will have a feeling leaving you with a Zero bar.

Or not.

Jayman and I are the Kit Kat and Three Musketeer Bar…er…Two Musketeer Bar of funny, so join us this Sunday for the, Walkin’ In A Wicca Wonderland on the IWS Radio Show.

Jayman, Matt-Man, and the IWS Radio gang will be bringing the Halloween funny, all the while taking your calls and listening to Rev. Smith enlightening us as to what the Wicca religion is all about, and what it is not.

To listen to us LIVE or DEAD as it is Halloween (Muhahahahawhaaaaa), from Noon-2 PM ET this Sunday, October 27th, you can click HERE.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS
My Facebook Page

Hollywood Should Bring Back the Western!

Hola Cowboys and Cowgirls! You know what we need more of? Westerns! Hell yeah! Hollywood needs to start making good westerns again. I think Westerns is what’s missing from the movies the studios put out each summer.

Yeah, I know they still make some every once in a while. Maybe one or two a year, but that’s not enough and the ones they make aren’t that good. When was the last great Western? Silverado back in 1985? Really? It’s been that long? Yeah, Unforgiven was made in ’92, but I didn’t really like it that much.  I haven’t seen Django Unchained, but that’s not what I would really call a Western.

Oh yeah, they did remake True Grit in 2010. I almost forgot about that. It was definitely better than the John Wayne version from back in the day. The Coen Brothers proved that really good westerns can still be made today. Jeff Bridges was better than John Wayne as Rooster Cogburn, Matt Damon was WAYYYYYY better than Mac Davis as Le Bouf and Hailee Steinfeld was considerably better than Kim Darby as Mattie Ross. In fact, Kim Darby annoyed the shit outta me in the original.

I was watching Big Jake the other night when I started thinking about the need for more Westerns. Big Jake is my all-time favorite John Wayne movie. I never cared for his war movies, but his Westerns were cool. In fact, let’s rank them …

1. Big Jake
2. Rio Bravo
3. The Shootist
4. Chism
5. El Dorado
6. McClintock
7. Hondo
8. Rooster Cogburn
9. The Undefeated
10. The Man Who Shot Liberty Valence

Of course, as good as those John Wayne movies were, lots of other actors made great and even better Westerns. Jimmy Stewart, Clint Eastwood, Gary Cooper, Bert Lancaster, Glen Ford, Alan Ladd and the list goes on and on and on. In fact, let’s list the 10 Best Westerns of all Time, shall we?

1. Big Jake
2. True Grit (2010)
3. The Magnificent Seven
4. The Outlaw Josey Wales
5. Silverado
6. High Noon
7. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
8. Rio Bravo
9. The Shootist
10. Brokeback Mountain

Anyway, the reason they don’t make Westerns anymore is because they can’t blow shit up and cowboys aren’t super heroes and all that crap. All the big studios want to do is fancy special effects and CGI. They don’t tell stories anymore.  Stories about a cowboy out on the range, rounding up the doggies, working hard from dawn to dusk and fighting for truth, justice and the American way!

You can’t use fancy automatic weapons in Westerns either. No Glock .40’s with eleven shot clips or Bushmaster AR-15’s or any of that stuff. Cowboys carried six-shooters and had to be fast and accurate. These guys today just open fire willy-nilly, blasting away hoping to hit someone. That doesn’t take any skill!

HBO made Deadwood with Timothy Olyphant and that was a good show. Olyphant is tall and lean and makes for a good cowboy. Also, I guess you could make the case that Justified which also stars a cowboy hat wearing Olyphant as a US Marshall is a kind of a modern western. I love that show. So obviously Hollywood is still capable of making a good western, they just don’t. And that’s sad.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

IWS Radio...Divine Intervention or Mocked by the Devil?

Cheeeeeeeeeers Chuckleheads, and a most enjoyable Hump Day to you all.

Y’know?

Sometimes, in the course of human events…people, political parties, businesses, and the like, hit a crossroads.

There comes that make it or break moment that is provided, wanted or not, by some type of Deus ex Machina type of event.  Well my friends..?

That Deus ex Whateverah has wormed its way into the previously well-oiled machine that is IWS Radio.

And, I must tell you…This Deus ex Bullshit comes to us in the form of Sunday’s guest on the IWS Radio Halloween inspired show which will air LIVE this Sunday on Blog Talk Radio from Noon-2 PM ET.

Y’see?

Jayman and I aren’t the luckiest people in the world, and yet, just in time for our Halloween show, out of the blue (or is it the dark abyss of Hell) a guest arises who can put this particular upcoming show into the annals of Blog Talk Radio greatness.

Are the fates of the universe smiling upon us, or is it that God is throwing those sixteen sided dice of his, and we are coming up snake eyes every time, while His Holy Supernaturalness laughs, and leaves Jayman and I to cry?

I guess we’ll find out Sunday.  And you too shall find out…If you listen.

I am prevented from telling you who the guest is at this point, but I can tell you this much…

While Jay and I are skeptical of anyone who appears to be ethereal and supernatural, we may be made believers in the person who will be joining us this Sunday on IWS Radio.

This person is in tune not only with your core and mine, but in tune with the core of the Earth itself.

And yet…

Our guest doesn't spin upon an axis of 24/7 news cycles, or baubles, or self-absorption; our guest spins upon and within, a realm made up of amber waves of grain and shining seas, but not in the sense that you might think.

Our guest feeds upon such things, and will tell you all about it this Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET on IWS Radio.

I know…

Jayman and I are as confused as you, but…this guest was sent to us as some form of life force and it could be dangerous not to accept it, and well, it would be just plain rude not to accept this guest, after all this time begging asking for guests.  So…

That’s all I can say for now…For more information, I guess you will have to read the website tomorrow.

Until then…Happy Hump Day and pray that this Sunday’s guest is an entity of good.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS
My Facebook Page

Drugs, Sex, Masturbation and Meditation

Hola y’all! Oh look! It’s my turn to post again. That’s great. That’s just fucking great! I’m so excited. Can’t you tell? Is anyone out there? Helloooooooooooooo? Give me a sign if you are. Tell me how much you love me. Or tell me I suck. I don’t give a shit. Okay, that’s not completely true. Well it depends on who says it. Most people could say that and I wouldn’t care. Some of you would hurt my widdle fee-fees. Not that I don’t want people to be honest with me. I totally do. I just have to warn them that their constructive criticism might not make any real difference. I mean, just like the late, great Don Williams* once sang “We’re all gonna be what we’re gonna be … So what do you do with good ol’ boys like me?” Dude was a freaking genius!

Holy shit I’m like a quarter of the way through this blog post already. I don’t know why I complain about it so much. Shit is easy! Oh sure, I spend all day trying to think of something good to write about and then when I’m about out of time I just open up MS Word and BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH all over the page. Maybe someday I’ll actually come up with something interesting to write about. We’ll see. I’m a busy man though, so don’t get your hopes up.

I’ve got all kinds of crazy ideas going right now. This little infection thing, even though it’s not really that big of a deal, has got me thinking about being more healthy and shit. I told you guys recently that I was down to just one Pepsi a day, right? Well, now I’m done to ZERO Pepsi’s a day. How ‘bout that shit? I might still have one on Sunday afternoons while I’m sitting around not doing a damn thing though. Sunday is kind of a free day. Anyway, no more Pepsi and now I’m instituting a NO MEAT night once a week for dinner! On top of that, I’m gonna start meditation. Martin from Martin’s Muffler and Meditation Emporium has done inspired me…

That’s pretty damn HAWT right there! You know, I really should vlog more. I think I’ve said I was going to a few times and I just haven’t. What else is new? But, that takes time and effort and I’m a busy man. And now if I’m gonna be mediating and exercising and maybe even taking up yoga and shit, I’ll have even less time. Not to mention the lack of energy from not eating meat one night a week. That could be a killer! We’ll see. I haven’t done any driving around videos in a long time; maybe I should do some more of those. Hell, I don’t know. I’ll think about it.

You know, I might need a whole new online persona. I don’t know what that would be. It’s all just so complicated. I mean, just being myself would be the easiest, right? Wrong! There’s nothing easy about that at all. Everything is just so complicated. Why is that? It’s totally not fair. Of course, now that I think about it, I pretty have just been myself online. Maybe that’s the problem? Maybe I have multiple personalities and don’t realize it? People on TV who have multiple personalities don’t usually know it. Of course, one of their personalities always ends up killing someone who I hope that isn’t the case.

Well, Monday Night Football is about to start so I’ll worry about all this shit another time. I don’t like to be distracted when I’m watching football. I need to be able to focus on all the stupid things that Jon Gruden says while also being annoyed that he doesn’t have an “h” in his name. That shit just pisses me off. By the way, this is why I opposed President Obama’s nomination of Jeh Johnson as the new Secretary of Homeland Security. He spells his name “Jeh” but pronounces it “Jay?” I don’t think so Scooter. They should do away with the Department of Homeland Security anyway. But, that’s a discussion for another time.

*Update: My apologies to Don Williams who apparently is still alive. My bad dude, I'm a huge fan.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Hey? Did You Know..?

Cheeeeeeeers Chuckleheads!!

Hey?  Did you know that it’s Breast Cancer Awareness Month?  I’m not kidding.  So folks out there, check out your breasts.

Hey?  Did you know that this coming Thursday is my son’s 19th birthday?  If you are going to his birthday party this Saturday, tell him I said hi.

Hey?  Did you know that today is National Babbling Day?  So c’mon folks, go out there today and be yourselves.

Hey?  Did you know that the suggested serving size of Great Value Tater Tots is ten tots?  It’s true, so let’s not make a pig out of yourselves at your next meal.

Hey?  Can you tell I woke up around 10:06 PM Sunday night and realized that it was my turn to post on the IWS website?

Hey?  Did you know that around here at least, Pizza Hut still has the any pizza for ten bucks offer.  Schmoop and I took advantage of that yesterday and we bought two.  We’re such pigs.

Hey?  Did you know that IWS Radio is the #1 comedy show on Blog Talk Radio?  It’s true…you should scurry off and listen to it…multiple times a day.

Hey?  Did I tell you that my BFF Schmoop started her period yesterday?  Perhaps I shouldn’t have mentioned that.

Hey?  Would you take you the trash sometime?  Thanks.

Hey?  Can you tell that I am just phoning this one in?  I thought so.

Hey?  Did you know that Jay is positive that his life sucks and will never get any better.  That’s so sad.

Hey?  Are you a Wiccan or know somebody who is?  We’d like to interview a Wicca type folk on next Sunday’s show.

Hey?  I’m outta here, but before I go, I have something to ask of you…

Give yesterday’s IWS Radio Show a listen.  Jayman, myself, and even the uber-hot Schmoop got all reflective and introspective n’shit.

Annnnnnnnnnd folks….Thanks to Martin, we got naked with Tamron Hall; LIVE on the show!!  It was awesome.

So listen up and give it a laugh…

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

St Louis Cardinals are the Person(s) of the Week!

The IWS Person(s) of the Week are the St. Louis Cardinals!

The Cardinals just beat the Los Angeles Dodgers to earn their fourth trip to the World Series in the last 10 years …

Their 19^th National League Pennant …

Proving once again that they are one of the best organizations not just in baseball, but in all of professional sports …

Not to mention having the BEST FANS IN BASEBALL!

And if you don’t believe me, just do a search on Twitter and find out. They’ll tell you. Over and over and over again.  Oh, and a quick little congrats to the Cubs for finishing LAST in the Central Division …. AGAIN.

Be sure to check out this week’s IWS Radio as we get deep and introspective in “Who am I and Why am I Here” at 12 Noon ET or in the archives! 

Matt Said, Jay Said...9373241798

Matt winces...Jay shudders...You see exactly why they are doing that.

Matt:  Wassssssssup!?
Jay:  Aren't we a little old to be answering the phone with, “Wasssssssup?”
Matt:  Oh I don’t know.  I guess. Maybe?  What?
Jay:  I don’t know…say what you want, I’m just feeling  a little…a little…um…
Matt:  A little what?

Jay:  Oh hell…and don’t make fun of me, but I’m beginning to question who I am and where I came from.
Matt:  What?  They don’t teach that in Arkansas?
Jay:  See?  You’re doing it again!!  It’s like--
Matt:  I’m sorry, please continue and I’ll be a most affectionate and attentive listener.

Jay:  Alright then…Don’t you ever wonder how you got to the point in your life at which you are?
Matt:  I try not to, because that is one ugly road map, but yes.
Jay:  And have you ever wondered where you will be in five or ten years.
Matt:  I do, but it usually involves me being buried next to my brothers, so I try to think of other things.
Jay:  I too think of those things.
Matt:  I can tell, and you do it with a Shakespearean cadence in your voice, and it’s hot.
Jay:  Me thanks you.

Matt: Sooooooooo, what should we talk about this Sunday on the show?
Jay:  Don’t you get it man!?  We should talk about our lives and why and how the way they are!!
Matt:  You mean, like open up about ourselves?
Jay:  Yes!!  Talk about our past failures and how we long for future glory.
Matt:  You mean, and do it in an honest sense?
Jay:  Hell Yeah!!  We all have regrets and future hopes that shape our lives.  Let’s lay them out there.

Matt:  That’s like being completely naked in front of a world wide audience.
Jay:  Yes it is.
Matt:  That’s kinda hot.
Jay:  Yes it is.
Matt:  So in order to go full frontal introspection, we should be naked during the show.
Jay:  Yes it is.
Matt:  What?
Jay:  Oh sorry…Yes we should.

Matt:  Sounds good, and maybe Guy Ahnyurdyck and Paul Piatt could weigh in with some introspection!!
Jay:  And Rev. Moneymaker and Bobby Kraft as well.
Matt:  And you know…Schmoop has a very compelling, “how I got to this point in my life” story.
Jay:  From what I know of you…er…I mean, know of her story…it’s not pretty.
Matt:  No…no it’s not.

Jay:  So?  Are you ready to do the, Who Am I and Why Am I Here show on IWS Radio this Sunday?
Matt:  Physically, yes I am.  Emotionally?  It could be very painful.
Jay:  Excellent.  I hope you, or I, or both of us break down.  That would be awesome for ratings.
Matt:  If that happens, as soon as I uncoil from my fetal position, I will thank everyone.
Jay:  We give our bodies.  We give our time.  We give our humor.  This Sunday…we give our souls.

Matt:  I love you.
Jay:  I love you too.
Matt:  Let’s get reaaaaaaaaaady to catharsisiiiiiiiize!!
Jay:  Boooooooo Yah!!

To listen to the IWS Radio Show LIVE tomorrow from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio just click HERE.

And if you’d like to share YOUR life’s road map, victories, and heartaches, you can call-in at 661.244.9852.

Jesus Christ People, Leave Me Alone!

Hola to all the true believers, nonbelievers and everyone in between! Jesus People have really stepped up their game here in Redneckville over the last couple of weeks. I’ve been getting lots of church flyers on my door and even a few on my car which really annoys me. It’s supposed to be against the rules here at the Palatial Estates for people to go door-to-door or put fliers on cars but if anyone tries to run them off they’ll be accused of supporting El Diablo, Al Qaeda and/or Barack Obama. Of course most people here think Obama IS an Al Qaeda supporting Anti-Christ anyway.

Lately though, the Jesus People have gotten much more aggressive than just leaving flyers.  A couple of weeks ago a man and woman showed up at my door on a Saturday at 11 am hoping to talk to me about Jesus. They were from the Baptist Church which is the Big Dog of churches here in town. They pretty much dominate everything.

Anyhoodle, these two banged on my door and when I answered immediately handed me this little Jesus booklet talking about not just the history of Jesus, but the entire 6,000 year history of Earth. The highlight was the Eternal Life Birth Certificate…

Just fill it out and keep it with you at all times because that’s your ticket to Heaven! Just show St. Peter that and he will step aside and let you right in. Hell … er … Heck, you won’t even have to stand in line OR watch the orientation and safety video if you have one of those with ya.

After they handed me the booklet they attempted to invite themselves in so they could sit down, have a glass of lemon iced tea and talk Jesus with me. I politely yet firmly stood my ground and told them to have a nice day. The nerve of those people! Trying to come into my home and talk Jesus shit when there was college football on!

There was another Jesus related incident today. I had just finished my weekly shopping trip to Aldi and was returning my cart like a good member of society would when a woman walked right up to me and handed me yet another Jesus booklet while saying “Hello! You should read this.” Then she turns and walks off.

So this is how people are spreading the good word now? Harassing people in their own homes and accosting them in grocery store parking lots? Really? REALLY?!

I’m all for freedom of religion and I consider myself a Christian, but I’m also for freedom FROM religion. I shouldn’t be harassed both in public and at home by people who seem to believe that not only am I in need of saving but arrogantly believe that THEY have been chosen by God to do so.

I’ve never been a big fan of organized religion and don’t believe that you have to go to church every week or even ever to be a good Christian. In fact, I’ve found lots of churches that are full of really bad, fake Christians. So many people feel that just showing up for an hour or so every Sunday plus on Christmas Eve and hating gays is all it takes to get into Heaven.

I do know lots of people who have found great churches to attend and become involved in. They find lots of comfort in going to church and their church is like a family. That’s awesome! I’m very happy for them and honestly sometimes would like to find that too. Unfortunately that just doesn’t exist here in Redneckville.

Seriously though Jesus people, let me watch college football and do my grocery shopping in peace.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

The Best Frozen Pizza in the World

Cheeeeeeeers and Happy Friday Eve to you all…

Now that the United States has very temporarily voted to end all of its governmental silliness, all of you must certainly be ready to relax, sigh a breath of joy, and enjoy a good meal…

A meal which goes uninterrupted by the media shrieks of immature, yet well paid members of Congress, and satisfies you to the debt ceiling of your hunger core.

I am about to help you relax from this political madness by re-introducing you to one of the best, most economical, and most comforting food groups in the world.

The frozen pizza.

Oh sure, go ahead and scoff at the frozen pie, you elitists, you self-proclaimed foodies, and purists of the haute couture culinary scene, but here me now.

Frozen pizza when done right, and adorned with personal creativity, is the most perfect food in the world.  In fact, a well-dressed frozen pizza is like a painting.

Of course, in order to paint a masterpiece, one must begin with the perfect canvas upon which to paint, and the perfect canvas in frozen pizza terms is, Totino’s®.

Totino’s® is well priced, offers an ample size, and the base ingredients are always good.  So, let’s paint some pizza pictures shall we?

Here is my latest…A Totino’s® Classic Pepperoni to which I added additional pepperoni, hot dogs, olives, Swiss cheese, and banana peppers…Here is the uncooked picture...

And the after a nice hot bake...POW!!

One of my faves from earlier this week…

A Totino’s® Hamburger pizza where I added roast beef, pepperoni, and muenster…

And this my friends is the richly delicious post-baked outcome…

Uh-huh.  Awesome.  Here’s one where I added leftover hamburger and kidney bean mix.  It’s pre-cooked pic, but man, it was delicious after being lovingly baked in a 450 degree oven for 11-14 minutes!!

I even have one more idea…One idea that may blow you away.

Do you like anchovies or perhaps fish in general?  Well here is one that I made a couple of months back.

It’s a Totino’s® Combination pizza dressed up in tuna, onions, and cheddar…

I was called a heretic by some on Facebook over that one when I posted pictures of it, but as God as my witness, I did love it so.

I guess the reason that I like Totino’s pizza so much is because it brings out the twelve year old in me. Taking a simple frozen pizza, and “decorating” it in your own style, taste, and personality, is just plain fun.

It reminds me of Friday nights when I was twelve or so…watching the not-so-scary movie of the week with my brother Marty.  He and I lying on the floor, and Mom sitting behind us, as we all watched, and shared a frozen pizza…

A frozen pizza that we, as a team, enhanced with everything that we all liked, whether it was “supposed” to go on a pizza or not.

There have been a lot of books that talk Chicken Soup for the Soul, but as for me?

At the ripe old age of 48, I would title my book, Frozen Pizza for the Soul, because it brings back great memories, and I re-live them today with my best friend, whenever she and I make a frozen pizza together.

Here’s to Totino’s® for being the best frozen pizza in the world!!*

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS
My Facebook Page

*I have in no way, been compensated by the fine folks at Totino's Pizza, however; if they would like to compensate me retroactively through a few free pizzas or something, that would be awesome!!

Jayman's Bucket List

Hola dreamers! Since I’m still sick (I’m doing much better and feel pretty good, thanks for your concern) I don’t feel like do much writing and there really isn’t thing happening anyway.  On Monday I posted a list a dream interviewsfor the show. Today, I’m going to post my Bucket List.

1. Live near or right on the beach.  Preferably a beach side condo, but at really anywhere in a town that is on the beach would be great.

2. Eat a dinner in a really fancy "tie and jacket required" restaurant that is pretty famous.  Something like "Tavern on the Green" or "The Four Seasons."

3. Visit Israel.  I think this would be the most amazing trip ever.

4. Own a muscle car. One that wouldn’t be my every day car, but that I could hop in, roll down the windows, crank up the 80’s metal music and drive really fast around the back roads and have fun with.

5. Visit my family's ancestral home of County Armagh, Ireland.  And County Durham, England where they moved to before moving to the U.S.  And while there meeting some of my distant relatives.

6. Visit Civil War battlefields such as Gettysburg, Vicksburg and Manassas. And WWII battlefields in Europe too.

7. Read every book on the "Most Challenged Book List."

8. Attend an NHL, NFL and EPL game in person.  (I've already attended MLB and NBA games.)

9. Get a media pass to a major sporting event and be allowed to photograph it from field (or court) level.

10. Visit a Nevada brothel.  What? That would be a pretty unique experience!

11. Hike the Grand Canyon.

12. Drive across the country going from town to town in a Van that I can sleep in if I want.  Just seeing the sights and visiting famous places and roadside attractions and meeting people from all walks of life.

13. Anonymously purchase a new fire truck, ambulance or police car for a small town that is in need of one but doesn't have the money.

14. Visit New York City.  Stay in a nice hotel with great amenities, eat at Bobby Flay and Emeril Lagasse's restaurants and see all the sights and visit all the museums.

15. Learn to play either the piano or guitar. Then play on a street corner for donations.

16. Learn Spanish or French.

17. Live in a foreign country. Mexico, the U.K, the Netherlands, France or possibly Thailand. Not permanently, but maybe for a few years.

18.  Get paid to do something really cool and fun like ... IDK .. host an internet radio show maybe. haha

19. Buy my mother a nice condo that she is comfy living in.

20. Live in a house with a yard where I can have a garden and a dog.

21. Help someone build a house.

22. Sit down and have a conversation with a sitting President. Or play President Obama in a game of H.O.R.S.E. (Or even toss a baseball around with Pres Bush or toss a football around with Pres Clinton.)

23. Get something I wrote published and get paid for it. Doesn't really matter what or where or anything like that.

24. Scuba dive in a shark cage with sharks in the water.

25. Meet all of my blogging and twittering buddies.

26. Visit a nude beach.

27. Attend Oktoberfest in Munich.

28. Make a difference in someone's life.

29. Get a tattoo.

30. Spend at least a summer (3 months) living in a mountain cabin with no TV, no internet and no phone (except one for emergencies) just hiking, fishing, taking pictures, reading, writing and thinking.  And maybe going outside and yelling at the top of my lungs every once in a while. 

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Hot Sex is the Secret to Ending the Cold War of the Shutdown

Cheeeeeeeeers, and a Happy Tuesday to ya, Chuckleheads!!

Y’know?

I hate it when I have nothing topical to write about that excites me, but when I am in that type of pattern and just not “feelin’ it”, I try to think of things in general that excite me, make me mad, or more often than not, make me laugh.

I am burned out by the 24/7 news coverage of the Obamacare/Debt Ceiling/Government Shutdown impasse that is raging like an out of control wildfire burning slowly and painfully like an ember at the Millard Fillmore Perpetual Pyre of Obscurity, which of course is still open because it receives no Federal funding and well…doesn't really exist, but anyhoo…

The only redeeming thing about the incessant and repetitive coverage of this latest American political crisis, is the fact that cable news pundits, talk radio hosts, and viewers and callers of, and to, such media venues headline an all-star and Tony Award winning cast in the newest American stage comedy classic…

“Buffoonery, Hypocrisy, and Ideology on Parade!!”

Oy Vey folks!!  What the hell is wrong with these people on TV, Radio, and their audiences?

It’s as though the late Timothy Leary has taken over programming for every damn political TV and Radio show, and at the same time is the host, guest, and caller-in to every damn show!!

It’s cwazy, wacky and it’s making my head spin, making me laugh, and making me feel much better about myself than I ever had, well…other than that one time at Bowling Green State University in 1983 when I had hot post-Homecoming sex with a Republican chick named Ann Barlage. Mmmmmmmmm…

That was some hot bi-partisan sex right there boy!!  See, unlike the ideologues of today, both in the media and the Congress…

We reached across the aisle, agreed to disagree, and then filibustered the hell out of each other until the second Sunday in October sun rose, and while creeping through the blinds, dappled us, and the empty wine bottles, with her golden crepuscular rays that said unto Ann and I…

“Your motions were more than well approved by one and other.  Now go, and sin no more.”

See?

Why is it so hard for Rush Limbaugh to get along with Rachel Maddow?  Why is it so difficult for Sean Hannity to say that Joe Scarborough is not a RINO?

Why in the hell can’t Ted Cruz and Sarah Palin think of Barack Obama and Joe Biden as swell dudes?  And why can’t Rachel, Joe, Barack, and Joe think the same of them!?

Because people…A bitter, monocular, and turgid ideology is hard to overcome, but the answer is so simple, and that is what makes me laugh about all of this Obamacare/Debt Ceiling/Government Shutdown bullshit.

If like Ann and I, Limbaugh had sex with Maddow.  And Hannity had sex with Scarborough.  And then we made a porn film called, Ted, Sarah, Barack, and Joe, and What Harry Reid Saw, all would be right with the world, and America could move forward.

It’s not that hard, and ideally…Maybe if Joe Scarborough plays his cards right, he could have sex with Sean; Sean could get divorced as well, and Joe could make Hannity his third wife.

But…baby steps…Let’s just get America back onto the road to recovery for now, and think about the Irish nuptials later.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page