Hump Day Hodgepodge

Cheeeeeeeers and Happy Hump Day Chuckleheads!!

A whole lotta nothing exciting going on around here, or is there?

Let’s find out, by just letting the personal headlines from my head ooze out onto the always artful pages of the IWS website.

Dateline…Commonwealth of Virginia…Headline reads…

Terry “I’m a Carpet Bagging Car Salesman” McAuliffe defeats Ken “Transvaginal Ultrasound” Cuccinelli to win the title of, Slightly Less Creepy of the Two Old Dominion Gubernatorial Candidates.

Dateline…Bagwine, Ohio Apartment 102...New Furnace Installed, Schmoop Gets Hot Just Looking at It.

The always cold IWS Radio bit player Schmoop, shone a rare smile today when she eyed a new Goodman furnace nestled snugly within the IWS Bagwine Studio.  Isn't it pretty?

Upon final installation of said furnace, she chirped…

“Sweet!!  Now I can quit using Matt-Man as a blanket, send him back to his couch, and get eight hours of quality, undisturbed sleep every night.  Praise Jeebus!!”

Sometimes when Schmoop speaks extemporaneously and I am within ear shot, it is quite hurtful, but…I sally forth, and hide my hurt and bitterness from her.  I only cry when she goes to work, or when I am at work, or…when she rests with a smile upon her face while I TYPE IN ANGER!!

Kidding, of course…sorta.

Anyhoo…

When I read my timeline on Twitter…I almost always say to myself, “America certainly does get the government she deserves.”

The tweets from the right and the left are enough to propel Hitler, Hindenburg, Stalin, and Trotsky to get along, and all the while asking each other…

“Let’s see if Roosevelt and Churchill would like to come over for drinks and a wicked game of charades.”

If America, any country, or the fragile sanity of the world is to survive, we all need to let go of this, “You’re either with me or against me” bullshit.

You know what’s funny?

Outraged TRUE conservatives like Sean Hannity and his tea bagging partiers want reform, and yet…

They cling like Socialists to the political meal ticket of the GOP.  They claim that they want reform, but don’t have the guts nor the electability to do it on their own, so?

They whine about their own party, which of course, they do “in no way belong”…

What?  Fucking pussies.

Left wing Democrats?  They are euphoric.  In spite of themselves and a President who couldn’t lead a baloney sandwich and a bag of pretzels from its paper bag into the mouth of a hungry, lunch-time sixth grader, celebrate the victory of last night’s elections.

What a joke.

Nobody cares about governing.  Nobody cares.  Left, Right, Conservative, or Liberal.  Nobody cares about you or I. Or about Peter, about Paul, about Shirley.  Ha!!

You thought I was going to say Mary, didn’t you?

Eh…Politicians just want to get re-elected, and folks like Hannity, Maddow, and others, just want to get ratings.

Many Americans want to be part of a winning team.  Whether it be a football team, a Baseball team, or sadly, a political party.

They want to win.  Unfortunately, while electioneering is a game of skill and chance, governing is not, and that is where Americans blow it.  A 51% to 49% vote total is not a win if the man or woman that we elected has no idea how to govern.

And lastly…

A shout-out to Jayman and his family, as oft time mentioned Nana Creta passed away yesterday afternoon at the age of 95.  I often made jokes about her longevity, and feel a missing of her already.

I dig anyone who can transcend the averages like she did, and am saddend by her passing.  So…

Pass your heart felt sympathies on to Jayman and his family today, if you would.  I am sure he would appreciate it.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

Mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Hot Sex is the Secret to Ending the Cold War of the Shutdown

Cheeeeeeeeers, and a Happy Tuesday to ya, Chuckleheads!!

Y’know?

I hate it when I have nothing topical to write about that excites me, but when I am in that type of pattern and just not “feelin’ it”, I try to think of things in general that excite me, make me mad, or more often than not, make me laugh.

I am burned out by the 24/7 news coverage of the Obamacare/Debt Ceiling/Government Shutdown impasse that is raging like an out of control wildfire burning slowly and painfully like an ember at the Millard Fillmore Perpetual Pyre of Obscurity, which of course is still open because it receives no Federal funding and well…doesn't really exist, but anyhoo…

The only redeeming thing about the incessant and repetitive coverage of this latest American political crisis, is the fact that cable news pundits, talk radio hosts, and viewers and callers of, and to, such media venues headline an all-star and Tony Award winning cast in the newest American stage comedy classic…

“Buffoonery, Hypocrisy, and Ideology on Parade!!”

Oy Vey folks!!  What the hell is wrong with these people on TV, Radio, and their audiences?

It’s as though the late Timothy Leary has taken over programming for every damn political TV and Radio show, and at the same time is the host, guest, and caller-in to every damn show!!

It’s cwazy, wacky and it’s making my head spin, making me laugh, and making me feel much better about myself than I ever had, well…other than that one time at Bowling Green State University in 1983 when I had hot post-Homecoming sex with a Republican chick named Ann Barlage. Mmmmmmmmm…

That was some hot bi-partisan sex right there boy!!  See, unlike the ideologues of today, both in the media and the Congress…

We reached across the aisle, agreed to disagree, and then filibustered the hell out of each other until the second Sunday in October sun rose, and while creeping through the blinds, dappled us, and the empty wine bottles, with her golden crepuscular rays that said unto Ann and I…

“Your motions were more than well approved by one and other.  Now go, and sin no more.”

See?

Why is it so hard for Rush Limbaugh to get along with Rachel Maddow?  Why is it so difficult for Sean Hannity to say that Joe Scarborough is not a RINO?

Why in the hell can’t Ted Cruz and Sarah Palin think of Barack Obama and Joe Biden as swell dudes?  And why can’t Rachel, Joe, Barack, and Joe think the same of them!?

Because people…A bitter, monocular, and turgid ideology is hard to overcome, but the answer is so simple, and that is what makes me laugh about all of this Obamacare/Debt Ceiling/Government Shutdown bullshit.

If like Ann and I, Limbaugh had sex with Maddow.  And Hannity had sex with Scarborough.  And then we made a porn film called, Ted, Sarah, Barack, and Joe, and What Harry Reid Saw, all would be right with the world, and America could move forward.

It’s not that hard, and ideally…Maybe if Joe Scarborough plays his cards right, he could have sex with Sean; Sean could get divorced as well, and Joe could make Hannity his third wife.

But…baby steps…Let’s just get America back onto the road to recovery for now, and think about the Irish nuptials later.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page 

Ohio State Football Fans and All Americans Are Stupid

Cheeeeeeeeers Chuckleheads!!

I hope all of you enjoyed your weekend and that football fans everywhere enjoyed their first full weekend of the 2013 NFL and NCAA football season.

There were a lot of great games, last minutes heroics, but mostly, drunken shenanigans in the name of football, and I appreciate that.

I love this time of year.  It is still summer, but the nights are sometimes cool, and there is of course, the glory and partying associated with football taking place.

This time of year is like Christmas in September and Labor Day in December, and no matter which way you slice it or parse it, those two holidays are analogous…or not.

Anyhoo…

I do have a problem with football fans these days and a problem with football in general.  Want to hear my problems with the sport and/or event that we call football?  No?

Good, and I am anxious to write about it.

Over the past decade, the number of football fans has exploded, but here’s the thing.  Many of these so-called fans, aren’t really football fans.

They are at best sunshine football patriots who enjoy throwing a party, a feeling of belonging, and at faux fandom’s worst…

Get to weave their hard life realities into the game day dialogue about “their team.”

Y’know?  That last one…the “my team thing?”  That drives me crazy!!

I don’t know about you, but here in Ohio, ninety percent of the college football “fans” are Ohio State fans.

And for some odd reason, the ninety-nine percent of OSU fans of whom I speak, have no personal association, connection, nor anything in common with OSU other than they are both located in Ohio, and like those who do attend OSU, the fans can neither read nor write.

I’m not an entirely stupid guy, but one thing I have never understood, is this slobbering, incoherent, live and die, cry if “my team” loses, mindset.  OSU fans that I know are like this, and I am sure that there are many more.

Okay so you went to school there and even if you weren’t on the team you can be an uber fan, but if you didn’t go there and are still a voracious fan, you have issues…issues with which, I am intrigued, but would rather know nothing about.

NFL fans are just as bad, and as they are typically older, it may even be a bit more disturbing…

I am eighty miles from Paul Brown Stadium and three times that distance from Cleveland and yet, on a weekend basis during football season, I will see at least three dozen grown men wearing OSU, Michigan, Notre Dame, Bengals and/or Browns jerseys etc…

And I say to myself…

“Self, why are there jersey wearing adult men and women crying over a loss and celebrating over a win with which they had nothing to do…other than to watch others do it?”

See?  It’s okay to wear a tasteful T-Shirt or what not in order to show some subtle and tasteful support fro a team, but when a grown person wears a jersey, it only exacerbates that abnormal thought in their head that they are part of the team.

So please, stop it.  It’s getting out of hand.

I actually read on Facebook this week a comment from a Steelers fan commenting to one of his friends…

“Don’t talk to me until your team has won five Super Bowls like mine has.”

I am sure….well, I hope he was joking…but it was the, “I am actually on the team” feel in his comment that gave me a case of the goo.

The worse thing is, this fanatic feeling of rooting for and wanting to win, has invaded our psyche, the governing of our nation, and the political discourse that takes place in the media.

Listen to Sean Hannity, Rachel Maddow, The Five, and Chris Matthews on TV for a couple of days, and you’ll find…

They are just like an Ohio State football fan, they don’t care why, or what has to happen to make it so; they just want to win.

Because winning and being like everybody else, and better who they think themselves to be individually, is far more important than due diligence and common sense.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS
My Facebook Page

And why you chew on that bone of sunshine, you can listen to IWS Radio…Jay and I had a masterpiece of a show going yesterday…AND our uber-lovely friend from Canada, Jamie, was so taken with us, she called in TWICE!!

                                   

Cable TV...Parade of Stupid

Cheers Chuckleheads!!

Yesterday, after broadcasting along with Jayman yet another award winning episode of I’m With Stupid on Blog Talk Radio which revolved around all the sexting scandals and bad behavior that is transpiring in our society, I took a nap.

Okay…I ate a humongous double fish sandwich lovingly prepared by my friends at Rally’s, and then took a nap, but nonetheless…

When I awoke, I was thinking more seriously about Weinergate, Sanfordgate, Geraldogate, and said to myself…

“You know Matt-Man…Old men texting pics of themselves and speaking illicitly to young women, and knowing that old women do the same thing with younger men.  That‘s funny shit right there.”

And then I remembered something that Noel Paul Stookey, the Paul of Peter, Paul, and Dead Mary fame, said years ago; something to the effect…

“As far as magazines go, we used to have LIFE, and then…we had People…after that, came Us…before you know it, we will have a magazine called, Me.  It will be a magazine cover with a mirror on it.”

Good ol’ Paul was not too far off.

We do have a magazine called Me, but instead of it being constucted of paper, print, and staples, it comes in the form of the internet…in the form of Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, 24/7 Cable News, radio, and to the chagrin of the masses who listen to our radio show, in the form of Blog Talk Radio, and a myriad of other social media outlets.

Oh Dear God…

MSNBC’s Melissa Harris-Perry puts a syllabus up on her Facebook page before her show that nobody watches.  And why would they?  Who wants to watch a show anchored by a somewhat black chick pretentious professor of color who talks and talks, says nothing, and wears tampon earrings?

Rachel Maddow is one who digs deep into the facts, yet, she only reports the facts that agree with her own sensibilities.

And of course there is Chris Matthews and Al Sharpton…Chris wants to make love to the President and Sharpton wants more from the President.

On the other hand…

Over at FOX NEWS and the right wing media circus.

Every morning as the rooster crows, Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade, and avant-garde MENSA President Gretchen Carlson level words of vitriol against President Obama for things like not paying for the penicillin to treat the gonorrhea of one, Lance Corporal Joe Middle America which he contracted during a stay in a Dhaka hotel with a Bangledeshi hooker.

Herman Cain has a radio show and he talks about repealing “Obamacare.”  He doesn’t talk solutions, but he does talk repealing.

Rush Limbaugh talks about how Obama is the worst President in history, and that the morals of this country have gone down hill.  And then? He goes home to his third wife, and smacks his nanny/drug mule on the ass and berates her for being too slow with the goods.

Sean Hannity may be the best of all.  For three weeks he has talked about the travesty of the Trayvon Martn case, Obama’s socialism, and how white people are looked upon funny, and yet?

He cries a sparrow’s cry and weeps because our country is so divided, and he doesn’t understand why.

Here’s the thing…

Just like Weiner, Geraldo, and Sanford who immersed themselves into their own egos, lusts, and fully exposed themselves for the world to see, the people who cover these people and their stories, do it on a daily basis.

Lispy Girl, Maddow, Limbaugh, and Hannity…none of them give a fuck about making a difference, they just as does Anthony Weiner, want their numbers to shoot up.

Those media clowns are no different than the legislators that we elect, and the legislators that when indifferent to their agenda, they rail against on air.

Just as a, I’m going to change the world, bright-eyed politician wins his first seat, over time, he or she  makes it about him or herself, and so do broadcasters.

After all, politicians aren’t there to help you out.  They’re there to get re-elected.  And broadcasters?

They aren't there to inform you.  They are there to get renewed.

But....If you want to hear great journalism and funny stuff...Listen to I'm With Stupid which aired LIVE yesterday and we talked SEXTING!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
Matt’s Facebook Page