Halloween? Not a Fan ...

Hola … uh … BOO! Or something. It’s Halloween time and once again I’m just trying to pretend it isn’t happening. As usual I will be turning off the porch light and covering the windows with blackout curtains and will refuse to answer the door when the little bastards knock anyway. Thursday morning I will inspect my car hoping that no one messed with. That’s basically my Halloween routine. I did carve a jack-o-lantern once though…

I know a lot of you guys out there love Halloween, but I’m just not a fan. I don’t like all the creepy costumes. I don’t like the silly pranks. I don’t like people dressing up as something or someone they’re not. I DO like the treats though. That’s the only thing about Halloween that is cool. Let’s list the best treats to hand out …

Chocolate:

1. Kit-Kat Bars
2. Kit-Kat Dark Chocolate
3. Mr. Goodbar
4. Krackel
5. Hershey’s Milk Chocolate
6. Hershey’s Dark Chocolate

Candy:

1. Smarties
2. Sweet Tarts
3. Skittles
4. Spree
5. Lemon Drops
6. Starburst

You really can’t go wrong with any of those options right there. If I did hand out stuff I would give out the big candy bars instead of those miniature ones. For the kids with the really cute costumes (brought to the door by a MILF) I would even give the big ONE POUND CANDY BAR! Hell yeah! For some I would give a whole big bag of Skittles. Maybe even a Family Size bag of Doritos. What the hell!

That would be a lot of fun and I would be a freaking hero to all the kids in the neighborhood. They would be offering to mow my lawn or shovel snow off my driveway for free just because they thought I was cool. Some of them would try to convince their mother to leave their dad for me or possibly they would introduce me to their sister who goes to college.

The best part would be how I could hold this popularity over the assholes to hand out fruit and other “healthy” stuff on Halloween. Those people are the worst! If someone gave me some crappy multi-grain health bar for Halloween I would probably let the air out of his tires later that night. Ha! I could see those people trying to compete with my family size bag of Doritos by giving kids a regular sized bag of Veggie Chips or worse … VEGAN CHIPS! AHHHHHHH!!! Freaks.

Honestly though, I’ve just never had any really good Halloween experiences. Way back when I was in grade school we used to have Halloween carnivals each year. As usual I never really won anything cool. We played games like musical chairs and had a cake walk and I don’t know what all else. I’m sure I won some cookies and I think I did when a big piece of cake once, but it turned out to be coconut. YUCK!

In high school I was on the newspaper staff and we teamed up with the nerds on the yearbook staff to have a Halloween party. I put on a suit and a Ronald Reagan mask as my costume. He was pretty much the scariest person or thing I could think of. Okay, maybe I was the nerd. Whatever.

Anyway, they set up a haunted house in the study hall room that we had to go through. It wasn’t all that scary but it was really dark and I couldn’t find the door to the library where the party was supposed to be. The vampires and zombies were breathing down my neck and I’m pretty sure one of the groped me in the crotch area. Aaaaaand, I think it was a dude who did it. A teacher actually. I’ll discuss that with my therapist though.

We did have a Halloween party one year when I was in college. It was a strange night. Only a few people showed up at first, but then a bunch of people all came at the same time. Then it died out and BOOM a bunch of people showed up late night. Of course my roommate and his girlfriend took advantage of having an audience and had a big fight. OH THE DRAMA!

Anyway, that’s pretty much been my experience with Halloween and well, it just hasn’t gone well. Maybe someday I’ll learn to appreciate Halloween a little more. Maybe.

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