Headlines, Get Your Headlines Here!!

Every time I have trouble of thinking of a topic on which to write, I always think of how Jayman writes funny headlines once in awhile.  I have threatened to do so myself in the past, and today as I had no grist in my mill last night, I offer these headlines that I would like to see…

Local Man in Ebola Video Goes Viral

Lee Majors To Reprise Role in New Warner Bros. Pic, The 1.6 Billion Dollar Man: Adjusted For Inflation

Merger Between Cialis and Viagra Produces World’s First Eight Hour Erection

Brussel Sprouts Enjoyed By Local First Grader

Liquor Store Owner Shoots Wild Turkey

The Words Virgin Mary Spontaneously Appear in Bowl of Alphabet Soup

MSNBC’s Ronan Farrow Daily Finally Garners First Viewer

ISIS Informant Reportedly Totally Hacked Off

A Clean And Sober Rob Ford To Run For Mayor of Gary, Indiana

Sierra Leone Renames Capital City To Stenchville

Dick Morris Predicts That The Next Pope Will Be a Presbyterian

Political Pundit Dick Morris Gunned Down By Drunken Catholic League President Bill Donohue

By Unanimous Vote, The U.S. House and Senate Agree To Outsource Their Legislative Duties

And lastly…

Trick-or-Treat Cancelled Due To Christmas Preparations

There ya have it…All the news that fits.  Enjoy your Tuesday and hey…let’s be careful out there, lest we become a headline ourselves.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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IWS Person of the Week...Satan!!

Happy Halloween season and who better to be the IWS Person of the Week than none other than that man of macabre mysticism and netherworld narcissism known as Satan!?

That's right, Mr. Satan...be he known as Satan, The Devil, Lucifer, or Nimrod...Satan is the dirty bomb, and our IWS Person of the Week.

Sure, he can appear to be creepy as he truly is...

But he has noteworthy powers such as taking on the looks of anyone or anything he desires.  Sometimes he shape shifts himself into a singular human being...

When this happens, sometimes, little children find him incredibly cute...

Once in a great while, he will appear to a doting public as a mere two-headed hydra of adorable proportions...

And then again, with anti-Christ hate deep within his non-soul, Satan often appears as an ill-informed and unholy trio as he mocks not only the Holy Trinity itself, but common sense as well...

So...Here's to Satan as we make him our IWS Person of the Week.  The Devil's Food Cake cake is on us.

And for more Halloween frivolity...Join Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio Players as they celebrate all things ghoulish during their Halloween Spooktacular and Boobie Show LIVE TODAY from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio.

Listen LIVE and call-in at 661.244.9852 and celebrate Halloween with the funniest show on the BTR Network.

To listen LIVE click HERE!!

Get Your Freak On!

That's right kids! It's time once again for an IWS Radio Halloween Extravaganza!! Matt and Jay will celebrate all the scary things that make Halloween so great and so awful. Then they will rank Halloween treats and give advice on what you should hand out. Maybe they'll talk about their favoirte scary movies and what makes a good Halloween film.

Also, Halloween means parties! What are the coolest costumes for 2014? Need some original ideas? Matt and Jay are all over that stuff! They'll help you plan the ultimate trick or treating celebration and give you a few do's and dont's to follow.

The IWS Players will be along to do a dramatic reading of Edith Wharton's "All Souls." Joshua will sit down with Count Dracula for a deep, hard-hitting interview. We'll also hear from other IWS correspondents as they celebrate and analyze Halloween like no other show on internet radio.

All that and YOUR CALLS! Join us for all the spooky and creepy fun. Or are you afraid??? Join us Sunday at 12 Noon ET for a "Spooktacular Halloween and Boobies Extravaganza!" 

Pre-Halloween Hiatus on IWS Radio

IWS Radio has learned that Jay and Matt are very tired and won’t be doing a show this week, but actually, it‘s not because of being physically tired…here ya go…

Matt-Man said to Jayman…

“You know I am really broken up over going through this impending divorce after 28 years…could we take a week off? I am emotionally exhausted.”

And Jay said to Matt something to the effect…Yeah, I’m sure you are bleeding like an Ebola patient inside.

Sometimes Jayman does not take Matt-Man’s sensibilities seriously, but nonetheless, we here at IWS Radio know that Matt-Man was almost emotional about his impending divorce.

So they are taking the week off, and preparing diligently for their October 26 show which will be the IWS Halloween Extravaganza Show (working title of course).

And…

They won’t be posting on the website until October 25th or something…Y’know?  These two idiots have no sense of arithmetic, time, or numbers, so…It may be later and/or earlier.  Who the hell knows, but one thing we do know…

The next IWS Radio Show will air LIVE October 26th from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio, which trust me, doesn't have a clue about numbers either!!

So, we are on a early fall hiatus until the 25th, but in the meantime, you can always catch our last show as we talked Oktoberfest and Divorce…It was a classic!!

Halloween Isn't Scary...Everyday Life Is!!

Happy Halloween you sexy ghosts and wacky goblins.

Unless you live in Amish country or have mean, uncaring, evangelical Christian parents, you know that today is Halloween…

A day in which children from 2 to 92 with joy in their hearts and senses of fun, roam about the earth dressed in fun costumes, or in the case of the older children…

Dress as pimps and sluts, go to the bars, and drink until they get their chance to make it with someone dressed as Frankenstein or Miley Cyrus.

However, Halloween for many is just a fun time to enjoy being scared.

People love to pay to walk through manufactured “haunted houses” whose proceeds go to the recently crippled kid down the street, the wife whose husband was killed in a grain elevator accident, or to the local Kiwanis Club so that they can continue to do whatever it is the Kiwanis Club does.

I don’t really get scared by “haunted houses” and the traditional Halloween stuff, however…

In every day life, there are a boatload of things that scare the hell out of me, and/or more accurately, give me an exponential case of the heebie-jeebies.

Spiders?  Snakes?  Pffffffft.  While I am always leery of those two creepy crawly types, nothing freaks me out more than fast moving multi-legged bugs, many of which I have never seen, nor even knew existed.

I hate bugs who just appear out of the blue…bugs that have never been pictured in textbooks, and believe me…

They’re out there!!  ICK!!

Body Lotion…Oh Dear GAWD…Just thinking of putting that greasy crap on my arms and legs even after completing forty days and nights in the desert with Jesus, makes my skin crawl.  Uuch!!

Brussels Sprouts and Eggplant…Seriously?  They both suck…They are things that those stupid Kiwanis Club Haunted Houses would use for their dish of “Frankenstein’s Brains.”  And what really gets me about Eggplant?  I have heard often…

“Try Eggplant Lasagna, it’s really good.”  And of course I reply, “But I think Eggplant is gross.”

And then I hear, “No, it’s really good; you won’t even taste it.”

If it’s really good, why allegedly, does it not have any taste!!?  Eggplant pushers!!

And if you are my age or older, remember getting nose drops when you were a kid with a cold? They’ll clear you right up…

And the nose drops, pressured down your nose by Mama and Papa Mengele always went to the back of your throat and tasted liked carp piss.  Ugh.

And here’s one that I think many people feel more than uncomfortable with…

When I worked for SEIU, we had many meetings, many conferences, many planning sessions.

And of course when you have big groups like that, said groups must have break-out sessions and mini-meetings contained within said meeting or conference.

These twenty-one words were uttered often during those meetings, and to this day, give me a giant case of the goo…

“Before we begin our meeting, why don’t we go around the table, introduce ourselves, and share a little something about ourselves?”

Whenever I heard, or hear that to this day, I curl up into a fetal position and while crying, say what I always wanted to say to that question/order…

“Hi.  My name is Matt.  I eat scrambled rats brains for breakfast. I eat my girlfriend for lunch, and for dinner?  I go meatless, and drink my own, day-old urine from a rusty, empty Beefaroni can. How you doin’?”

Oh dear God, how I hate that more than anything…Well…

Except for expiration dates on food and milk and food.

I never used to care about those, but man…If I come across a container of milk that expires on the day on which I want to drink it?

It better have a time stamp on it as well.  Because an expiration date of 10/31/2013 at 8 AM ain’t the same as 10/31/2013 9 PM.

Thanks a lot Dad!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

The Chupacabra Speaks !!

Hola and a Feliz Martes to you all.  The Chupacabra here, and I have a few things to say to all of you Chupacabra haters.

What the hell is your problemo?

Why you be hating on the Chupacabra so damn much?  And another thing…

How come Jay and Matt had a Wicca priest on their radio show in order to dispel all of the misconceptions and hurtful comments about the Wicca religion, and yet, they ignore me…

The Chupacabra.

Frankly, it’s not fair.

Sure, I am an animal that sucks the blood and flesh from goats, but that doesn’t mean that you have to call me Chupacabra…the goat sucker.

I am much more than that, and I have feelings.  My name is Jorge Hernandez!!  Damn Glad To Meet You!!

Y’know?

I have always wanted to be able to go along and get along with you folks.  All I ever wanted from you was a few scraps from your cena table so that I could feed my family.

Sure, I may not be the most handsome pirate at the Cinco de Mayo Ball, but maybe if you could have looked past my crazy eyes and razor sharp teeth dripped in rabies, you would have noticed that I have a huge heart full of warmth and compassion.

But no…

When I initially showed up at your backyard barbeque and heroin transaction party in order to secure food for my family, all I ever got was…

“Ewwwwwwwwww, a goat sucking freak of nature….RUN!!”

Fuck you.  I’m better than that.  I am Jorge Hernandez, and I don’t take no stinkin’ government handouts nor ill-gotten giveaways from the Mexican drug cartels.  I, much like the entrepreneurial can collector in the U.S., go door-to-door looking for my family’s next meal.

However, as I roamed from yard to yard, and hacienda to hacienda in search of tables scraps for my wife and cinco niños, my name unfairly became synonymous with dirty, low-life goat suckers…aka, The Chupacabra.

I am sorry that it has come to this, but ever since you have locked your trash cans, electrified your fences, and put a Mexican contract out on me, I, Jorge Hernandez, have been forced to wiggle through your high tech fences, break through the walls of your tin shacks, and get the damn food out of your un-refridgerated refrigerators by means of frightening and menacing you all.

In fact, I find it funny that you smart humans surround your 200 peso tin shacks with 5,000 peso electric fences.

When I come home with your food for my family, my wife will ask, "Jorge?  What's for supper?"

I always respond...

"A big platter of irony, that's what!!"

I did not want it to come to this, however…

In addition to feeding my family, my wife Ana is six months pregnant with our sixth child…Our youngest, Luis, needs new corrective shoes, and our oldest, Juan, needs dinero in order to attend a tryout session in Mexico City next month for the Mexican boy band, Juan Direction.

You see?

I am but a simple hound dog of Mexican society with large paws, sharp teeth, and a huge heart.  I just want to get along, and get a little help from you all.

Is that so wrong?

My name is Jorge Hernandez, and I’d rather just inconspicuously garner the scraps of your wealth, say thank you and move on, and not continue to be deemed a diabolical and “mysterious” caricature and freak of nature promulgated by cable TV.

¡Salud!,

Jorge Hernandez

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

IWS Person of the Week...The Lindner Coffin Company

Sometimes it is said that death takes a holiday, other times it is said, especially in the realm of coffin advertising...

When you do die, take the holiday with you...and that is what the Lindner Coffin Company of Wągrowiec, Poland is all about.

See?  Death is hard not only on the family but on the person who died as well, so? Both the family and the deceased  should enjoy the shock and hardness of death, by being hard in his or her casket.

Having trouble picking out a box made of pine?  How about picking this one that will make you stiffer than you already are?

Are you some type of British Baron or Viscount who has recently passed?  Lady Styx will supply you with more wood than you ever had during your days on Earth...

Are you an Eastern European man who has succumbed to the starch of too many potatoes and too many liters of vodka?  Well then...Allow Miss Dirt Sleep of Danzig 2013, Danya, to ease the pain as you enter the realm of the earthworm...

Here's to the Lindner Coffin Company of Wągrowiec, Poland for taking the bold step and saying to all who die...

"We come.  And the we go.  But that doesn't mean that we can't cum while we are going."

Here's to you, the  Lindner Coffin Company...The Coffin Company with a pulse.

Annnnnnnd...As we celebrate Halloween on IWS Radio today LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET, join us as we talk with Rev. James Smith, High Priest and Founder of the Celtic Wiccan Coven, and dig this folks...

The IWS Radio players will be doing a dramatic reading of Edgar Allan Poe's, The Raven.  Trust me, it's a hoot!!

So Happy Halloween, Happy Samhain, and click HERE in order to catch us LIVE today from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio!!

Wicca Chicks are Hot, but We Got a High Priest

Happy Halloween Weekend kids!!

I am working allllllllll weekend. That’s right.

Today Noon-9, and tomorrow 11-9. Yet…

God has given me a purpose.

Serve others…

Serve others lots and lots of beer.

Actually, it should be fun, and I will have my camera at the ready, as there might be some hot chicks dressed up as pirate wenches coming through.

As for me? I am working the Beer Mine dressed as a Priest today. I can’t wait to say to the kids when they come through with their parents:

“Hey little boy, would you like a sucker?”

Good times, good times.

Jay and I have our best ever IWS Radio show in the works for you this Sunday.

We have High Priest and Founder of the Celtic Wicca Coven, the Rev. James Smith on board, but we also, have Jamie, Paul Piatt, Martin, Drew, and others on board reading Edgar Allan Poe’s, The Raven.

This show is going to fill your Trick-or-Treat basket with Mounds of Almond Joy and leave you with the feeling that you should have long ago, left for the last train to the Clark Bar station.

What?  Was that a stretch?  It doesn't matter.  You know why?

Upon listening to this Sunday’s IWS Radio Show, you are going to say unto yourself…

“I feel like I have been to the Milky Way and back.”

And yet, you will have a feeling leaving you with a Zero bar.

Or not.

Jayman and I are the Kit Kat and Three Musketeer Bar…er…Two Musketeer Bar of funny, so join us this Sunday for the, Walkin’ In A Wicca Wonderland on the IWS Radio Show.

Jayman, Matt-Man, and the IWS Radio gang will be bringing the Halloween funny, all the while taking your calls and listening to Rev. Smith enlightening us as to what the Wicca religion is all about, and what it is not.

To listen to us LIVE or DEAD as it is Halloween (Muhahahahawhaaaaa), from Noon-2 PM ET this Sunday, October 27th, you can click HERE.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS
My Facebook Page

IWS Radio...Divine Intervention or Mocked by the Devil?

Cheeeeeeeeeers Chuckleheads, and a most enjoyable Hump Day to you all.

Y’know?

Sometimes, in the course of human events…people, political parties, businesses, and the like, hit a crossroads.

There comes that make it or break moment that is provided, wanted or not, by some type of Deus ex Machina type of event.  Well my friends..?

That Deus ex Whateverah has wormed its way into the previously well-oiled machine that is IWS Radio.

And, I must tell you…This Deus ex Bullshit comes to us in the form of Sunday’s guest on the IWS Radio Halloween inspired show which will air LIVE this Sunday on Blog Talk Radio from Noon-2 PM ET.

Y’see?

Jayman and I aren’t the luckiest people in the world, and yet, just in time for our Halloween show, out of the blue (or is it the dark abyss of Hell) a guest arises who can put this particular upcoming show into the annals of Blog Talk Radio greatness.

Are the fates of the universe smiling upon us, or is it that God is throwing those sixteen sided dice of his, and we are coming up snake eyes every time, while His Holy Supernaturalness laughs, and leaves Jayman and I to cry?

I guess we’ll find out Sunday.  And you too shall find out…If you listen.

I am prevented from telling you who the guest is at this point, but I can tell you this much…

While Jay and I are skeptical of anyone who appears to be ethereal and supernatural, we may be made believers in the person who will be joining us this Sunday on IWS Radio.

This person is in tune not only with your core and mine, but in tune with the core of the Earth itself.

And yet…

Our guest doesn't spin upon an axis of 24/7 news cycles, or baubles, or self-absorption; our guest spins upon and within, a realm made up of amber waves of grain and shining seas, but not in the sense that you might think.

Our guest feeds upon such things, and will tell you all about it this Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET on IWS Radio.

I know…

Jayman and I are as confused as you, but…this guest was sent to us as some form of life force and it could be dangerous not to accept it, and well, it would be just plain rude not to accept this guest, after all this time begging asking for guests.  So…

That’s all I can say for now…For more information, I guess you will have to read the website tomorrow.

Until then…Happy Hump Day and pray that this Sunday’s guest is an entity of good.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS
My Facebook Page