Halloween Isn't Scary...Everyday Life Is!!

Happy Halloween you sexy ghosts and wacky goblins.

Unless you live in Amish country or have mean, uncaring, evangelical Christian parents, you know that today is Halloween…

A day in which children from 2 to 92 with joy in their hearts and senses of fun, roam about the earth dressed in fun costumes, or in the case of the older children…

Dress as pimps and sluts, go to the bars, and drink until they get their chance to make it with someone dressed as Frankenstein or Miley Cyrus.

However, Halloween for many is just a fun time to enjoy being scared.

People love to pay to walk through manufactured “haunted houses” whose proceeds go to the recently crippled kid down the street, the wife whose husband was killed in a grain elevator accident, or to the local Kiwanis Club so that they can continue to do whatever it is the Kiwanis Club does.

I don’t really get scared by “haunted houses” and the traditional Halloween stuff, however…

In every day life, there are a boatload of things that scare the hell out of me, and/or more accurately, give me an exponential case of the heebie-jeebies.

Spiders?  Snakes?  Pffffffft.  While I am always leery of those two creepy crawly types, nothing freaks me out more than fast moving multi-legged bugs, many of which I have never seen, nor even knew existed.

I hate bugs who just appear out of the blue…bugs that have never been pictured in textbooks, and believe me…

They’re out there!!  ICK!!

Body Lotion…Oh Dear GAWD…Just thinking of putting that greasy crap on my arms and legs even after completing forty days and nights in the desert with Jesus, makes my skin crawl.  Uuch!!

Brussels Sprouts and Eggplant…Seriously?  They both suck…They are things that those stupid Kiwanis Club Haunted Houses would use for their dish of “Frankenstein’s Brains.”  And what really gets me about Eggplant?  I have heard often…

“Try Eggplant Lasagna, it’s really good.”  And of course I reply, “But I think Eggplant is gross.”

And then I hear, “No, it’s really good; you won’t even taste it.”

If it’s really good, why allegedly, does it not have any taste!!?  Eggplant pushers!!

And if you are my age or older, remember getting nose drops when you were a kid with a cold? They’ll clear you right up…

And the nose drops, pressured down your nose by Mama and Papa Mengele always went to the back of your throat and tasted liked carp piss.  Ugh.

And here’s one that I think many people feel more than uncomfortable with…

When I worked for SEIU, we had many meetings, many conferences, many planning sessions.

And of course when you have big groups like that, said groups must have break-out sessions and mini-meetings contained within said meeting or conference.

These twenty-one words were uttered often during those meetings, and to this day, give me a giant case of the goo…

“Before we begin our meeting, why don’t we go around the table, introduce ourselves, and share a little something about ourselves?”

Whenever I heard, or hear that to this day, I curl up into a fetal position and while crying, say what I always wanted to say to that question/order…

“Hi.  My name is Matt.  I eat scrambled rats brains for breakfast. I eat my girlfriend for lunch, and for dinner?  I go meatless, and drink my own, day-old urine from a rusty, empty Beefaroni can. How you doin’?”

Oh dear God, how I hate that more than anything…Well…

Except for expiration dates on food and milk and food.

I never used to care about those, but man…If I come across a container of milk that expires on the day on which I want to drink it?

It better have a time stamp on it as well.  Because an expiration date of 10/31/2013 at 8 AM ain’t the same as 10/31/2013 9 PM.

Thanks a lot Dad!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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