The Best Frozen Pizza in the World

Cheeeeeeeers and Happy Friday Eve to you all…

Now that the United States has very temporarily voted to end all of its governmental silliness, all of you must certainly be ready to relax, sigh a breath of joy, and enjoy a good meal…

A meal which goes uninterrupted by the media shrieks of immature, yet well paid members of Congress, and satisfies you to the debt ceiling of your hunger core.

I am about to help you relax from this political madness by re-introducing you to one of the best, most economical, and most comforting food groups in the world.

The frozen pizza.

Oh sure, go ahead and scoff at the frozen pie, you elitists, you self-proclaimed foodies, and purists of the haute couture culinary scene, but here me now.

Frozen pizza when done right, and adorned with personal creativity, is the most perfect food in the world.  In fact, a well-dressed frozen pizza is like a painting.

Of course, in order to paint a masterpiece, one must begin with the perfect canvas upon which to paint, and the perfect canvas in frozen pizza terms is, Totino’s®.

Totino’s® is well priced, offers an ample size, and the base ingredients are always good.  So, let’s paint some pizza pictures shall we?

Here is my latest…A Totino’s® Classic Pepperoni to which I added additional pepperoni, hot dogs, olives, Swiss cheese, and banana peppers…Here is the uncooked picture...

And the after a nice hot bake...POW!!

One of my faves from earlier this week…

A Totino’s® Hamburger pizza where I added roast beef, pepperoni, and muenster…

And this my friends is the richly delicious post-baked outcome…

Uh-huh.  Awesome.  Here’s one where I added leftover hamburger and kidney bean mix.  It’s pre-cooked pic, but man, it was delicious after being lovingly baked in a 450 degree oven for 11-14 minutes!!

I even have one more idea…One idea that may blow you away.

Do you like anchovies or perhaps fish in general?  Well here is one that I made a couple of months back.

It’s a Totino’s® Combination pizza dressed up in tuna, onions, and cheddar…

I was called a heretic by some on Facebook over that one when I posted pictures of it, but as God as my witness, I did love it so.

I guess the reason that I like Totino’s pizza so much is because it brings out the twelve year old in me. Taking a simple frozen pizza, and “decorating” it in your own style, taste, and personality, is just plain fun.

It reminds me of Friday nights when I was twelve or so…watching the not-so-scary movie of the week with my brother Marty.  He and I lying on the floor, and Mom sitting behind us, as we all watched, and shared a frozen pizza…

A frozen pizza that we, as a team, enhanced with everything that we all liked, whether it was “supposed” to go on a pizza or not.

There have been a lot of books that talk Chicken Soup for the Soul, but as for me?

At the ripe old age of 48, I would title my book, Frozen Pizza for the Soul, because it brings back great memories, and I re-live them today with my best friend, whenever she and I make a frozen pizza together.

Here’s to Totino’s® for being the best frozen pizza in the world!!*

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS
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*I have in no way, been compensated by the fine folks at Totino's Pizza, however; if they would like to compensate me retroactively through a few free pizzas or something, that would be awesome!!

Random Shout Outs to Miley's Boobs and Shitty People

Hola y’all! Let’s. Get. Random!

- Shout out to Congressman Randy Neugebauer (R-eally Big Shit Bag) who went out to the WWII memorial and berated a member of the Park Police accusing HER of closing the memorial. Uh sir, YOU voted to close the government and unlike that Park Police officer YOU are getting paid. What a fucking piece of shit you Congressman.

- Shout out to all the people who are focusing only on the fucking WWII memorial or the Panda Cam and are completely ignoring all the people who have been furloughed or are having to go into work every single day without pay. You guys are the worst fucking people on Earth.

- Shout out to the 873,902 people on Twitter and Facebook who have posted the “If a government employee is listed as ‘non-essential’ then why do they have a job to begin with???” as if they are the first person to ever make that joke.

Hey-OOOOOOOOO!  That’s freaking hilarious! And so original too! BTW, 99% of the people who posted that joke are listed as “non-essential” by their employer too.

- Another shout out to the 1,744,820 people who posted the equally unoriginal “Do I still have to pay my taxes during the shutdown?” joke as if THEY were the first to ever think of that one!

Damn, you guys were killin’ it this week!

- Shout out to all the republicans who blamed the Sequester completely on Obama. Yes, it was the worst idea ever, but not only are the republicans now celebrating and taking full credit for the Sequester, they have all but assured that it will become permanent.

- Shout out to Miley Cyrus for getting naked for that photo shoot so American can go bonkers over a boob. I love it when people do that. It’s amazing how many people in this country have never seen boobs before.  

- Shout out to Sinead O’Conner for writing an “open letter” to Miley. There’s nothing more pathetic than a self-important, washed up, loser celebrity writing an open letter to someone. Don’t you need to shave your head again?

- Shout out to Congressman Todd Rokita (R-eally Smarmy) for condescendingly calling CNN anchor Carol Costello “beautiful, but you don’t know what you’re talking about” today. That will help the GOP with their minority and women outreach efforts immensely. Also, he’s wrong. She’s not beautiful.

- Shout out to Buddy, the mutt I saved from running out into traffic last week for a totally unappreciative owner. When I was leaving today just as I walked around the building Buddy was outside again and he came sprinting up to say high to me again. At least Buddy appreciates me.

- Shout out to the 23 people who have followed me on Twitter since Monday. I have no freaking idea why or where they all came from or anything, but that’s cool.

- Shout out the person who told me I won’t be getting into Heaven this week. I responded by saying “luckily for me, you aren’t the one who gets to make that decision.” She promptly defriended me because obviously she IS the person who decides who gets into Heaven and who doesn’t.

- Shout out to my upstairs neighbor for either jumping or falling out of bed at 3:30 am last night. It was one of the few nights where I actually fell asleep fairly early and was snoozing away. Of course, after he woke me up I had to get up and pee and then check out the windows to see what was going on outside and by then was awake and unable to get back to sleep for a couple of hours. Asshole.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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How Vladimir Putin Can End the Shutdown and Restore America to Her Greatness

Cheeeeeers Chuckleheads and a Happy Weekend Eve Eve to one and all, especially to you Federal worker types whose weekend started this past Monday when you were furloughed.

It’s a sad state of affairs when y’all are sitting idle and without pay while all 535 members of the United States Congress are collecting their paychecks while making a mockery of statesmanship, common sense, and what it means to think beyond their next election.

But, and I hate to say this to any and all Americans who are reading this…

We are a representative democracy and we elected these people.  So…um, well…we have the government, or the lack thereof, that we deserve, and that is why government workers can’t go to the grocery for awhile.

However my friends, I do not pen upon this sacred IWS Radio page today to merely cast aspersions upon America and her people.  Nooooooo…You see?

Unlike the United States Congress, I am here to identify the problem with the state of our once great nation, and offer a solution.

So…To wit, heretofore, and with a hearty, here’s ya goes…Allow me to identify the problem, and offer my solution.

America is a great nation and with amber waves of great people but to be perfectly honest, Americans are also a populous stricken with a collective case of Anti-Attention Deficit Disorder.  It’s true.

Americans are all about instant gratification, a solid trusting in a monolithic set of “facts”, and a comfortable life within a bubble that contains a backyard grill, an ice cold Bud, and being left alone during football season.

A vast amount of Americans, want to pay attention to one thing, and one thing only…themselves.  And my friends, that is why, to that point, Americans are so duly, and well-represented within the no longer hallowed halls of Congress, but...

All is not lost, and there is a way to end this current government shutdown, and restore American greatness.

Remember the halcyon days of America from post-World War II 1946 through December of 1991?  I do…well some of it, but anyhoo…

There was a common thread of unity that ran red, white, and blue throughout every city, hamlet and burg of this great land.  It was a unifying thread of hate so strong, that even in the midst of racial inequality, gender inequality, and wire tapping skills over equality that upon which Americans could agree.

Our hate of Communism, and more specifically for that Great Godless Vodka Drinking Nosferatu of Two Continents, the Soviet Union.

We HATED the Soviets.

The Soviets were wicked and if they had a chance, they would convert your children to Stalinism and then eat them. We had a space race.  We had a nuclear weapons race.  We had a miracle on ice that brought all Americans together.

We wanted to beat them and we did, but then?

When we won the Cold War on December 26, 1991 when the Soviet Union officially dissolved, sadly, our national bond was dissolved as well.

Sure the 1990’s were a post-Cold War honeymoon full of peace dividend rewards, but then on September 11, 2001...The honeymoon was over and the booming U.S. economy was torn down with it.

America was perplexed.  You know why?

Many Americans can’t focus and agree or disagree with more than one thing at a time.  To hear that we were and continue to be attacked by groups like Al-Qaida, the Taliban, Syrian, Iranian, Left-Wing, and Right-Wing terrorists makes no sense.

That’s why many Americans today, Americans who are either rather far-left or far-right, focus on fellow Americans with polar ideologies.

Far Left Loonies line-up and blitz Rush, Sean Hannity and Ted Cruz…Simple enough.

Far Right Tea Drinkers get into a huddle and hate on Rachel Maddow, Chris Matthews, and President Obama.

In order to fix the logjam of hate that is cast upon our own, buy our own, we should build a Mount Rushmore of Soviet leaders with the heads of Stalin, Brezhnev, and Andropov in stone, so we can cast potatoes at them, so we never forget.

And then we can ask of, and turn a blind eye to, Vladimir Puitn re-establishing the former Soviet Union, and, if that happens?

We will all be OUTRAGED, and Congress will say…

“Obamacare?  Sure, why not…have all the fun you want with that.  But in addition, we need to immediately pass a comprehensive budget, and I don’t care what’s in it, as long as it includes funding for nukes.”

Nearly all Americans would rejoice and say...

"To Hell with Moscow!!  Fuck the Sputnik!!  Let Them Eat Taters!! Mike Eruzione Lives!!"

Unity once again!!  IKR!?  I am freaking brilliant!!

That my friends, is both my break-down as to what is happening, and my solution, but…I have one last thing to add.

Vladimir Putin?  America wants you on that wall.  We need you on that wall…We want you to rebuild that wall!!

And so does Sylvester Stallone, because if you restored the Soviet Union, downloads and subsequent royalties of Rocky IV would go through the roof!!

 здоровье!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
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What the Shutdown Really Means

Hola y’all! Okay, so by now you know that because President Obama refuses to totally give up on his most significant legislative achievement of his presidency, the GOP has shut down the government. We’ve all seen all over the news that they shut down the Library of Congress, National Parks and lots of other government institutions. But, there are some other, lesser known effects of the shutdown. Here are a few …

NSA will only listen in on your phone sex, but won’t be able to read your sexting or dirty messages on social media.

All animals at the National Zoo will be on a diet of Ramen Noodles until the government reopens.

The Air Force vs Navy football game will go on as scheduled, but it will be a flag football game instead.

Ted Cruz will only be allowed to give a 10.5 hour speech during the shutdown.

In the congressional pool hall, there will be no more games of 8-ball or 9-ball, but instead only 6-ball is allowed.

Old Faithful will only be allowed to erupt twice a day.

Instead of wearing his $300 Aviator sunglasses, Vice President Joe Biden will be forced to wear a $3 pair of “Risky Business” sunglasses.

There will be no Pumpkin Spice Lattes available in the congressional cafeteria.

The annual Halloween Democrats vs Republicans “Dance Off, Face Off” will be cancelled.

Members of congress will only get 70 characters to use for each tweet.

Members of congress will either have to use their own money, or get a lobbyist to pay for their hookers.

Senator David Vitter (R-eally Kinky) will not get any diaper deliveries during the shutdown.

Everyone will be limited to ONE grand-standing “I love American and our veterans more than you do and if you don’t click ‘like’ or share this you are siding with the terrorists” meme post on Facebook per day.

We can only blow up one wedding, killing dozens of innocent people using an unmanned drone per day.  What? Oh, that’s right. Obama signed the bill making sure the “KILL! KILL! KILL!” part of the government stays open.

The Buffalo River Floaters will have to shut down for the year a month early.

Thomas Jefferson’s and Abraham Lincoln’s heads will be removed from Mt. Rushmore.

People applying for passports will have to submit selfies instead of getting your photo taken by an authorized passport place thingy.

All CONTROL agents will have to turn in all of their shoe phones but the Cone of Silence will still be operational.

That big bad-ass plane they have on the “Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.” will be grounded.

A whole lot of people have been furloughed and are home without pay. Oh sure, you CLAIM this isn’t a “little known fact” about the shutdown, but if you watch cable news and listen to most republicans and conservatives the people furloughed are the least of their concerns.

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