Let's Make 2014 the Year of the Quitter!

Holaaaaaaaaaa! Yesterday Matt-Man posted his 2014 BucketList. I was going to do the same today, but decided to do something a bit different. Instead of making resolutions about the things I’m going to do, I’m going to invite everyone to join me in doing something: LET’S QUIT!

That’s right kids, I’m encouraging myself and everyone else to be a quitter…

- Let’s all quit bitching and whining about every little thing.

- Let’s all quit being all OUTRAGED at shit that has no effect on our lives.

- Let’s all quit deciding if something is “good” or “bad” based on our political world view.

- Let’s all quit being negative about EVERY GODDAM LITTLE BITTY THING.

- Let’s quit getting pissed off when someone is getting something we don’t think they DESERVE.

- Let’s quit pushing our religious beliefs on others.

- Let’s quit being intolerant of people of faith.

- Let’s quit being racist, bigoted, homophobic assholes.

- Let’s quit telling other people how to live their lives.

- Let’s quit feeding the trolls.

- Let’s quit being so politically correct all the time.

- Let’s quit holding others to standards we don’t hold ourselves to.

- Let’s quit accepting the dumbing down of America.

- Let’s quit giving people a pass for being shitty to others.

- Let’s quit ALWAYS THINKING ABOUT THE CHEEEELDRIN!

- Let’s quit paying so much attention to the carnival barkers who host cable TV “news” shows.

- Let’s quit getting all butt-hurt when someone doesn’t like the band, movie, TV show or sports team we like.

- Let’s quit being so damn judgmental.

- Let’s quit being angry when good things happen to other people.

- Let’s quit bashing success.

- Let’s quit being so selfish.

- Let’s quit being haters.

- Let’s quit being so damn impatient.

- Let's quit being so miserable all the time.

- Let’s quit settling for less than we deserve.

Let’s just fucking quit! Happy New Year everyone!

Jayman3768@gmail.com
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Springfield Icon and Adored Secret Santa, Dead at Age 67

(AP) Springfield, Ohio
Chuck Abernathy, Reporter

“Words cannot express the sorrow that I feel at this moment. No amount of tears can purge my soul of the loss. Bagwine Kringle gave so much to so many, and his passing will be felt the world 'round.”

That was the comment from one, Dex Lexler.  Mr. Lexler age 51, was a close friend to Springfield, Ohio icon and self-proclaimed Santa, Harley Rusbam, also known as Bagwine Kringle, and more simply, BK.

Mr. Rubsam, 67, of 819 Cedar St., was pronounced dead yesterday at Springfield Regional Medical Center due to an accidental ingestion of fish bones.

It seems BK and a couple of his “elves”, Tina Trinity and the aforementioned Mr. Lexlar, were hurriedly wrapping Christmas presents for some of the less fortunate local kids.

While Ms. Trinity and Mr. Dexler selfishly ran next door to grab a sandwich, Bagwine Kringle the workaholic that he is, ate what he had on hand and continued the Christmas assemblage.

He was hurriedly gulping down some Salmon Fancy Feast cat food and evidently began to choke on a small bone.  When Dexlar and Trinity returned, he was lying on the floor gasping for air.

Mr. Lexlar called the paramedics while Tina attempted to ply Kringle with some Wild Irish Rose to relax his throat muscles.

She quickly found out that that was not the best idea.

He spewed out a mixture of WIR and bile that was described as, “a poorly made Sterno sauce with a stench reminiscent of Steel Reserve urine.”

Although nearing death, Bagwine Kringle was with his two best friends.

BK was with his dear friend Tina, whose street name is, “Bowling Ball.” Tina is a 48 year old prostitute with large breasts, two prosthetic legs, and a glass eye.

Her seductive wiles are legendary.  Some women can spread their legs incapably wide, but Tina, she can take hers completely off.

She is also very accommodating. If a client is feeling extremely kinky, she will pop out her glass eye, and let him give her, shall we say...a facial.

Tina is one who gives and gives, and that is why she and Bagwine Kringle were pals.

And then, there's good ol’ Dex Lexler, or “Sarge”, as BK called him.  Dex was never in the military, but BK always kidded him that he looked like the dog from Beetle Bailey.

True, the dog’s name was actually Otto, but BK was close. The two shared so many of the same traits…compassion, generosity, and cirrhosis of the liver.

They were of one mind inside of two bodies and now sadly, they are half the men they used to be…or something like that.

When paramedics arrived, BK was nearly expired. His lungs raled bilaterally, desperately gasping for air, but it was not to be.

Tina and Sarge looked down upon BK as they sobbed unrelentingly.

And then, as the medics placed him on the cart, Bagwine Kringle looked at his friends with that familiar twinkle in his one good eye, and with his final breath said...

“Don’t cry for me Sarge ‘n’ Tina.”

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_IWS
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Christmas Is the Time to Say I Love You

Cheeeeeeeeeeers Chuckleheads and a Happy Tuesday to you all.

Do you realize what day it is?  It’s exactly three weeks and one day prior to Christmas, and I always observe December 3rd as my…

What Do I Want for Christmas Day!!

Why do I observe such a day three weeks and one day prior to Christmas, you ask?

Well…

Three weeks may be plenty for a normal person to decide what they want for Christmas, but as I am one who procrastinates, that extra day provides me with a much needed buffer between Christmas joy and being left with an empty feeling when I receive nothing but leftover love from my son on Christmas, as Jay and I discussed on Sunday’s, IWS Radio broadcast.

Anyhoo…

If I really were to want something for Christmas, I would want a Grade A microphone/headset combination.  I mean, the one I have is okay, but it sounds “tinny” no matter what adjustments I make to it.  I have a whiny voice to begin with and the tinny sounding microphone doesn't help to improve my voice nor my rep.

New speakers for my computer would be nice as well.  The speakers that I currently have, are getting a little tired.  I think that perhaps, too many Stubby Stonehenge replays through their tiny tweeters and woofers have distorted their sound.  Yeah, new speakers would be nice.

There’s one last thing I would like…okay two actually.

A block of Velveeta “cheese”, and a Cassano’s pizza or sub.

I know…boring, right?

Perhaps to some of the younger hipsters, but I have discovered something as I type this two months shy of my 49th birthday.  As I get older, Christmas means something much different than it did when I was a kid or even ten years ago.

I’m not talking about having a liturgical type of religious experience or anything, but Christmas has become, in a way, a time of year and day, that as my age rears its ugly head, a time that I also recognize all of the old friendships that grace my life.

The first time that Christmas made me feel old was about ten years ago.  My mom called me and asked what I would like for Christmas.  I didn't ask for a cool and hip toy, game, or latest what have ya like I did when I was a kid.  Noooooooo…I said to Mom…

“I could really use some new socks, or maybe a new white dress shirt, or a tie.”

IKR?  That’s pretty sexy.  Nearly as sexy as wanting a block of Velveeta or a Cassano’s pizza, but here’s the thing.

As I get older, if someone asks me what I would like for Christmas, it is always something I need, because as for me, the excitement of Christmas has become not the gift, but the rekindling and reconnecting with people that I like and I love.

My favorite part of Christmas is going to my brother’s house on Christmas Eve and partying with my family, all the while exchanging gift cards that we would probably buy ourselves for ourselves, and then…

Spending Christmas Day with Schmoop as we play music, eat way too much, drink way too much, and laugh way too much (if that’s possible) all damn day.

I don’t believe that Christmas as observed is the actual day of the birth of Jesus, and I do believe that if Christ were alive today, he would be appalled by its celebration, but I do think one thing.

Be it a hoax, a religious event, a secularist party, or just another day on the calendar, Christmas is an excellent time and/or excuse to reconnect with, and drunk dial those you love.

And if that’s all Christmas truly is, I like that…a lot.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_IWS
My Facebook Page    

Matt Said, Jay Said...9373241798

Matt winces...Jay shudders...You see exactly why they are doing that.

Matt:  Wassssssssup!?
Jay:  Aren't we a little old to be answering the phone with, “Wasssssssup?”
Matt:  Oh I don’t know.  I guess. Maybe?  What?
Jay:  I don’t know…say what you want, I’m just feeling  a little…a little…um…
Matt:  A little what?

Jay:  Oh hell…and don’t make fun of me, but I’m beginning to question who I am and where I came from.
Matt:  What?  They don’t teach that in Arkansas?
Jay:  See?  You’re doing it again!!  It’s like--
Matt:  I’m sorry, please continue and I’ll be a most affectionate and attentive listener.

Jay:  Alright then…Don’t you ever wonder how you got to the point in your life at which you are?
Matt:  I try not to, because that is one ugly road map, but yes.
Jay:  And have you ever wondered where you will be in five or ten years.
Matt:  I do, but it usually involves me being buried next to my brothers, so I try to think of other things.
Jay:  I too think of those things.
Matt:  I can tell, and you do it with a Shakespearean cadence in your voice, and it’s hot.
Jay:  Me thanks you.

Matt: Sooooooooo, what should we talk about this Sunday on the show?
Jay:  Don’t you get it man!?  We should talk about our lives and why and how the way they are!!
Matt:  You mean, like open up about ourselves?
Jay:  Yes!!  Talk about our past failures and how we long for future glory.
Matt:  You mean, and do it in an honest sense?
Jay:  Hell Yeah!!  We all have regrets and future hopes that shape our lives.  Let’s lay them out there.

Matt:  That’s like being completely naked in front of a world wide audience.
Jay:  Yes it is.
Matt:  That’s kinda hot.
Jay:  Yes it is.
Matt:  So in order to go full frontal introspection, we should be naked during the show.
Jay:  Yes it is.
Matt:  What?
Jay:  Oh sorry…Yes we should.

Matt:  Sounds good, and maybe Guy Ahnyurdyck and Paul Piatt could weigh in with some introspection!!
Jay:  And Rev. Moneymaker and Bobby Kraft as well.
Matt:  And you know…Schmoop has a very compelling, “how I got to this point in my life” story.
Jay:  From what I know of you…er…I mean, know of her story…it’s not pretty.
Matt:  No…no it’s not.

Jay:  So?  Are you ready to do the, Who Am I and Why Am I Here show on IWS Radio this Sunday?
Matt:  Physically, yes I am.  Emotionally?  It could be very painful.
Jay:  Excellent.  I hope you, or I, or both of us break down.  That would be awesome for ratings.
Matt:  If that happens, as soon as I uncoil from my fetal position, I will thank everyone.
Jay:  We give our bodies.  We give our time.  We give our humor.  This Sunday…we give our souls.

Matt:  I love you.
Jay:  I love you too.
Matt:  Let’s get reaaaaaaaaaady to catharsisiiiiiiiize!!
Jay:  Boooooooo Yah!!

To listen to the IWS Radio Show LIVE tomorrow from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio just click HERE.

And if you’d like to share YOUR life’s road map, victories, and heartaches, you can call-in at 661.244.9852.