IWS Person of the Week: Santa Claus !!

Cheeeeeers…Happy Winter Solstice….and let’s get ready to get our Christmas Rumbllllllllllllle on!!

As it is Sunday once again and a mere four days prior to our world’s annual Christmas celebration, who is more qualified to personify and embody the holy, supernatural, and good-willed spirit of Christmas than this week’s IWS Person of the Week…

Santa Claus!!

Nobody, that’s who.

Santa Claus being the shape shifter that he is, has been around for years in one form or another and once in awhile people have spoken of him as a creepy figure.  It’s an outrage!!  We here at IWS Radio know that among the millions who have sat upon his lap, the lap-sitters are typically far creepier than our beloved Santa Claus…

Many people think of Santa Claus as nothing more than a jolly old gift giving soul who hasn’t a care in life, but his job is incredibly hard.  He alone has to determine for the entire world over the course of year, those who have been naughty and those who have been nice.  More often than not, that can be a very time consuming and difficult job, yet other times, not so much…

Even though there are billions of people in this world, somehow Santa takes the time to investigate each of us individually, and determine if we are worthy of him providing us with his own personal package…

Santa can work his magic like no other and instantly tell if you have been good or bad, and decide if you are worthy of a Christmas gift, or in the case Jay and Matt, an entire Santa sack full of Christmas gifts.  So…

Here’s to Santa Claus, our IWS Person of the Week.

And…For more great Christmas fun and frivolity, join Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio Staff as they present two hours of laugh filled, music filled, and just plain Christmastime good will LIVE today from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio.

The entire IWS Radio staff will be on hand to get you in the mood for Christmas like no else, as they celebrate the commercialized solemnity of the birth of the Holy Baby Jeebus during the, We Got Your Bells Jingling Right Here Baby episode of the IWS Radio Show.

To listen LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET today click right HERE, and as always, call-us up and wish everyone a very Merry Christmas at 661.244.9852!!  

We'll Deck Your Halls!

Christmas is the most wonderful time of year and Matt-Man and Jaymna are here to help you celebrate! They love Christmas and have so many great memories of Christmases past to share. Jesus may be the reason for the season, but it isn't much fun without a little hilarity. So, Matt and Jay will discuss their favoirte Christmas movies and comedies and will even play their favorite Christmas songs!

Buddy Acappella will be here to sing a very special rendition of "Silent Night." The IWS Players will also be here to do the traditional reading of "T'was the Night Before Christmas" also. On top of that there will be Christmas greetings from all of our correspondents, many fans of the show and maybe even a few celebrities.

Matt and Jay will also talk best and worst presents along with best and worst Christmas traditions. Plus there will also be some discussion about certain package deliver companies and how they can't be trusted to pack fragile items properly. Aaaaaaaaaaand there might be some discussion about current events like the stunning Cuba announcement this week by President Obama. Oh and the hacked Sony e-mails, North Korea, The Interview and all the cowards backing down from terrorists.

All this and YOUR CALLS! Be sure to join in and even call us up to make this true holly jolly Christmas when you join us on "We Got Your Bells Jingling Right Here Baby" on IWS Radio! 

Wrapping Presents Is Like Having Sex

In keeping with the spirit of Christmas, I have altered the meaning of sex as applied to the holiday of the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

I offer you an insight into my life with following definition alterations. From now on, and throughout the remainder of the Christmas season, these are the rules of the lexicon of sex…

Have Sex = Wrap presents
Having Sex = Wrapping presents
Had Sex = Wrapped presents

To wit, and heretofore is the following…

Back when I was a teen one Christmas Eve, my girlfriend Sherri and I were having sex in my bedroom when my brother Party Marty walked in. He burst out laughing because Sherri and I were so sloppy and bad at having sex.

Unfortunately, when the bastard walked in on us, he not only got a good laugh, he also got a full frontal peak at what she was giving him for Christmas. He left. We finished having sex, and I put a big bow on her box.

During the holiday season, I enjoy going to department stores and watching the young women behind the counter have sex. I don’t know how they do it.

They stand there 8-10 hours a day having sex in front complete strangers. It’s adorable watching the young boys and girls watch the chicks have sex with Daddy’s package.

I guess it is not really a bad gig. I mean having sex for 10 hours and getting paid for it, I may look into that.

When I was a wee lad, I remember one Christmas morn in particular. It was about 4 A.M., and I awoke with a thirst.

I straggled out to the fridge for a drink, and lo and behold, there were my mom and dad furiously having sex on the kitchen floor. Ribbon was flying everywhere, and without stopping, Dad told me to go back to bed.

One thing that always happens to me when having sex is that I run out of tape. It sucks because I can’t get the job done and nothing stays where it should while having sex. It’s really quite frustrating.

I remember another source of frustration as well. Back when I was a very young, left handed child, having sex was awkward and difficult for me.

Fortunately I had a number of older brothers and sisters who were always eager to lend me a hand. It was so nice of them to help me have sex.

Our family had a great time in those days. Our tightly knit clan would gather together to eat sausage balls, drink eggnog, and have sex as we listened to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing the Hallelujah Chorus over and over. Good times, good times.

Having sex can be one of the most joyous experiences of the holiday season.

And by the way, friends...

We still have a couple of days until Christmas. If you’re in the neighborhood, stop by, because I have gotten pretty good at having sex over the years…so if you need help having sex as I once did, I would love to help you have sex too.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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Springfield News-Sun....Santa to All in Springfield, Ohio Dies at 67

(AP) Springfield, Ohio

Chuck Abernathy, Reporter

“Words cannot express the sorrow that I feel at this moment. No amount of tears can purge my soul of the loss. Bagwine Kringle gave so much to so many, and his passing will be felt the world 'round.”

That was the comment from one, Dex Lexler.  Mr. Lexler age 51, was a close friend to Springfield, Ohio icon and self-proclaimed Santa, Harley Rusbam, also known as Bagwine Kringle, and more simply, BK.

Mr. Rubsam, 67, of 819 Cedar St., was pronounced dead yesterday at Springfield Regional Medical Center due to an accidental ingestion of fish bones.

It seems BK and a couple of his “elves”, Tina Trinity and the aforementioned Mr. Lexlar, were hurriedly wrapping Christmas presents for some of the less fortunate local kids.

While Ms. Trinity and Mr. Lexler selfishly ran next door to grab a sandwich, Bagwine Kringle the workaholic that he is, ate what he had on hand and continued the Christmas assemblage.

He was hurriedly gulping down some Salmon Fancy Feast cat food and evidently began to choke on a small bone.  When Dex and Trinity returned, he was lying on the floor gasping for air.

Mr. Lexler called the paramedics while Tina attempted to ply Kringle with some Wild Irish Rose to relax his throat muscles.

She quickly found out that that was not the best idea.

He spewed out a mixture of WIR and bile that was described as, “a poorly made Sterno sauce with a stench reminiscent of Steel Reserve urine.”

Although nearing death, Bagwine Kringle was with his two best friends.

BK was with his dear friend Tina, whose street name is, “Bowling Ball.” Tina is a 48 year old prostitute with large breasts, two prosthetic legs, and a glass eye.

Her seductive wiles are legendary.  Some women can spread their legs incapably wide, but Tina, she can take hers completely off.

She is also very accommodating. If a client is feeling extremely kinky, she will pop out her glass eye, and let him give her, shall we say...a facial.

Tina is one who gives and gives, and that is why she and Bagwine Kringle were pals.

And then, there's good ol’ Dex Lexler, or “Sarge”, as BK called him.  Dex was never in the military, but BK always kidded him that he looked like the dog from Beetle Bailey.

True, the dog’s name was actually Otto, but BK was close. The two shared so many of the same traits…compassion, generosity, and cirrhosis of the liver.

They were of one mind inside of two bodies and now sadly, they are half the men they used to be…or something like that.

When paramedics arrived, BK was nearly expired. His lungs raled bilaterally, desperately gasping for air, but it was not to be.

Tina and Sarge looked down upon BK as they sobbed unrelentingly.

And then, as the medics placed him on the cart, Bagwine Kringle looked at his friends with that familiar twinkle in his one good eye, and with his final breath said...

“Don’t cry for me Sarge ‘n’ Tina.”

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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