A Special Thanksgiving Message from Paul Piatt

Gentle and heartfelt greetings to all of you discerning drinkers of the warm and aromatic coffee of life that is IWS Radio.

Renown poet and IWS Literary Editor, Paul Piatt here, bringing you some of today’s finest in the world of poetry, prose, and people.

Today during our journey along the sullied boulevard of words made magical, and life’s pentameters made iambic, I offer unto you a dollop of green bean casserole and slice of pumpkin pie of anecdotal nostalgia from my Thanksgivings past.

As a bright-eyed and wide-eyed erstwhile ragamuffin growing up in the bucolic cottage town of Moultonborough, N.H., the familial warmth generated by the annual autumnal reunification of the Piatt diaspora, was an emotional upheaval of good tidings, and the memories of which I have today, remain so.

November in Moultonborough is rife with the lavish harvest of the summer past, replete with a cornucopia of nature’s agricultural bounty as well as the comforting and beatified paradox that lies within the thunderous and towering Ossipee Mountain range to the north, and the soothing and ebbing waters of Lake Winnipesaukee to the south.

Moultonborough is enveloped by a natural hug, and for me, a familial embrace.  And I cherish with whimsy, my memories of Thanksgivings past during my many years of propagation into adulthood.

I can, some nearly three score later, smell the aroma of mother cooking a freshly plucked goose and turkey.

I can hear the whimsical conversations between my father and Aunt Louise develop into a naughty, yet, in jest only, series of double entendres and playful friskiness as they clinked their glasses full of Crown Royal.

I can see my Uncle Rupert looking into the mirror as he with the four hands of Hindu Goddess Kali trying to make his folically challenged scalp seem hair borne.

I can taste the fist of my angry cousin Winston as he would  forcefully baste his tightly curled five knuckles upon my pre-turkey ingestitive mouth…I cannot accurately describe the taste of his fist, but whenever I travel to Cincinnati on lecture tour and am served Skyline Chili, my taste buds recall the taste, and reactively recoil.

I can also, and am ashamed to say, that at the age thirteen as I was on the brink of burgeoning into a man, I remember the aforementioned Aunt Louise grabbing my hand, placing it upon her right breast and asking...

“How does this feel?”

As I was in still in my Dylan Thomas period, I responded…

“It feels that as though you have just turned me into an alcoholic.”

But alas…

I would not trade my Thanksgiving years gone by for anything, because while I have not much, I have everything…and while I do not everything, I have all that I need.

As Moultonborough summer resident and American poet John Greenleaf Whittier said…

To see our Father’s hand once more
Reverse for us the plenteous horn
Of autumn, filled and running o’er
With fruit, and flower, and golden corn!

On behalf of the IWS Radio family…

I wish you all a very happy, warm, non-judgmental, and angst free Thanksgiving!!

Paul Piatt
.

Coming Soon to IWS: A Paul Piatt Thanksgiving Message

Coming this Thursday November 28th, to the pages of the IWS Radio website...

A very special Thanksgiving message from renown poet and IWS Literary Editor...

Paul Piatt

Facebook Confirms...Matt-Man Isn't Perfect!!

“You're pretty arrogant. And self important….Other than that, you're okay.”

Haaaaaaaaappy Friday Folks!!

Matt-Man here breaking it all down for ya on the IWS Radio website, and let me tell ya, that first quote is hurtful…

However, for the most part, most of you loveable bastards and bastardesses are quite nice.

I posted on my Facebook page yesterday…

“What don’t you like about me?”

And you know what?

While I was awaiting a tsunami of hate and disregard for the fact that I am indeed a caring person, you know what I got..?

“Matt doesn’t have feelings….He’s rude and has a potty mouth.”

Let me tell you my radio compatriot and friend, I have cared often and I have told you how I care about many people during our private calls…maybe not in the way they would like me to, nor using the words that most would choose, but I CARE!!

And then there is Dana…Love the Dana.  She said…

(1) I don't like that you don't take care of yourself. You've got a son who doesn't have a fighting chance if you aren't around to guide him, and
(2) You're a button pusher. When you find someone's buttons, you push and push and PUSH.

The best thing about Dana’s comment?  She is an accountant, and she numbered her grievances.  That it in itself is nice and lends an air of consistency, and number two, consistency is HOT!!

And actually, Number Three?  Dana, was actually serious.  I like that.  And…

She’s absolutely correct.

If a person says and/or does something with which I don’t agree, I will push and push until they expose themselves to be complete morons.

Is that being, “arrogant?”

I don’t fucking think so, and as far as being self-important?  If that’s the case, I wouldn’t have cow-towed to my wife all of these years up until now, in order to keep the peace for my son.

Eh, actually the asking of the “what do you hate about me” question was worth more to me than the, “”what do you like about me” question.

It seems that praise from friends, while far more grand, is personally less hurtful and truthful than negative personal critiques.

I like negative critiques.  It keeps me edgy.  And the truth is…

I am both Matt-Man, and just plain Matt.

Matt-Man is Dean Martin and Buddy Acapella rolled into one, while Matt is a poet wannabe named Paul Piatt.

All the while, Schmoop says…"Whatever…can I just have some sleep.?”

My point is…AND YES I AM MAKING A POINT!!

Backdoor guests are best, Tumblr guest are whatever, Facebook friends are awesome, but seriously?

Real friends ,whether they hate you or love you, no matter from where they came, are awesome…and one other thing, so am I.

I am awesome.

And, I will leave you with that.

Matt-Man

Cheeeeeeeeers!!

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

I Know Who Killed John F. Kennedy

Holaaaaaaaa conspiracy theorists! We are only a couple of days away from the 50^th anniversary of the day that some emotionally unbalanced dude climbed six flights of stairs on the Texas Schoolbook Depository, set up at a window and waited for President Kennedy’s motorcade. When Kennedy’s car passed the building he took aim and fired a shot from his squirrel hunting rifle. The bullet went through JFK’s neck, through the seat in front him, through John Connally’s chest, arm and leg. Then apparently it jumped out of Connally’s leg, ricocheted off the door of the Presidential Caddy and hit JFK in the head. Or something like that.

Thus was born one of the truly great conspiracies of all time. Did Lee Harvey Oswald shoot JKF and did he act alone? I threw it out on my Facebook page today to see who believed what. I was a bit disappointed in the results, but it’s possible that most people are really tired of the Kennedy assassination conspiracies. Mostly I got answers like “The One-Armed Man” or “Obama” or “Dick Cheney” jokes.

I did find it a bit humorous that some of the people who believe every single right-wing and/or left-wing “the Illuminati and United Nations (or Masons or New World Order or whothefuckever) have taken over our government” conspiracy say they believe LHO acted alone and totally trust our government to tell us the truth. But, if you really think about it, the idea that Oswald acted alone is pretty much the least plausible of all the major conspiracies and therefore it does make sense that these guys would believe it.

One interesting suggestion was that Howard Donahue, the Secret Service’s own Barney Fife is the one who actually shot Kennedy in the head. I love this theory only for the idea of an SS guy hearing a gunshot, panicking, pulling his gun from its holster, struggling to put the bullet in it and BLAM! He blows the head off the leader of the free world.

The lovely, talented and OMG SEXYASHELL Mz. Knight suggested Sinatra was in on it. Given his Mafia connections and temper I can actually see this happening. Maybe he did it to help his good friend Ronald Reagan out? Maybe it was for Nixon. Maybe he was mad that Marilyn Monroe preferred JFK to him? Who knows?

There were a couple of people who kinda believe it was the Cubans, the Mafia, the CIA or J. Edgar Hoover. These are all fairly plausible ideas. I mean, each of those organizations not only had reason to kill Kennedy, but the resources to do it and keep it secret. Of course, these organizations have never kept anything else a secret or pulled off anything this clever in their existence, but you know, maybe something went at planned once for them?

The Jaymom has been working on this for many years and might be onto something. She says that J. Edgar Hoover is behind it and that he probably worked with the Mafia to get it done. She believes that Hoover was “owned” by the Mafia and even if he didn’t conceive of the idea of killing Kennedy, he was all in once it was proposed to him. This would make sense given that Hoover denied the existence of the Mafia and butted heads with Attorney General Bobby Kennedy over the prosecution of the non-existent organized crime families.

I would say that I pretty much agree with that. It was the greatest Mafia hit of all time. They recruited Oswald and set him up as their fall guy. Hoover knew of the plan and allowed it to go forward and even protected its secrecy. But, I go a little further than the Jaymom. I also believe that Jack Ruby was the guy on the Grassy Knoll (I once sat on the Grassy Knoll and drank a Budweiser so I’m totally an expert on this) and that Ruby killed Oswald to keep him quiet. I really don’t buy the theory that Ruby was just a distraught night club owner. Dude was as mobbed up as Sinatra!

I guess we’ll never really know. Maybe there’s somebody somewhere in the FBI or another government agency that will release all the evidence and tell us the truth someday. I just hope if they do, it won’t be as disappointing and anti-climactic as finding out that Mark Felt was “Deep Throat.” What a letdown that was!

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Facebook Confirms What We All Knew...Matt-Man Rocks!!

Greetings…Cheers…and a Happy Hump Day to You All!!

Matt-Man here for IWS Radio today and recently, my spirits have been lifted exponentially; I am awash in a sea of validation as a human being, and my typically almost non-existent ego is expanding as quickly as the universe.

Let me tell you, folks…

Yesterday, Jayman wrote a great post about a handful of prominent scumbags and assholes who exist in American society today, but you know who isn’t an asshole, and who in fact, is one well-liked son of a bitch?

This Guy!!

I know…You are saying to yourselves…

“Gee, how do you know this?  Did you have a poll conducted by the polling agency called, Me, Myself, and I?”

Not at all…I used a polling firm far more accurate than Gallup.  Far more in-depth than IPSOS.  And totally more hard to spell than Quinnipiac.

I used Facebook.  That’s right!!

You see, this past Sunday, I posted on my Facebook page…

“What, if anything, do you like about me?”

After posting that question on my timeline, and awaiting the comments, I sat glued to my screen expecting few comments , or a handful of comments full of scorn and ridicule, however…

I received comments such as the following…

“I like the way you smoke multiple cigarettes at the same time.”

“You have no bias…you insult all equally.”

“You crack me up and cook a lot.”  Which corroborates the following comment…

“You amuse me.  I also admire your mad culinary skills.  You really know your way around a can of Spam.”

See how my uber-likeability is trending?  People dig me!!

From a well-read and published author of the male sex…“Your calves, when you wear high heels…”

Our very own IWS resident Lemon Poppy Seed maker Missalicious, chimed in with…

“You’re a good egg.”

And by that, I am sure that Miss means that I am full of protein and can be either a main course, or an elegantly pretty egg wash sheen atop a bundle of muffins.  Which makes perfect sense, because the uber-sultry Carly said of me…

“You are shiny.”

Word.  And thank you.

There were many other comments that said among other nice things, that I was very likeable because, “what you see, is what you get.”

Really…I do like that, and I appreciate those comments the most, because for bad or good, I like to keep it that way.

I will say…There was one comment that disturbed me…A long time friend, who happens to be a nurse, responded to my question of, what do you like about me, by saying…

“Not a damn thing.”

It’s hurtful to know that the poison of Obamacare has sunk down to the bedside caretaker level, and washed away all humanity and compassion.  But, I will recover…You know why?

People on Facebook, and mainly chicks on Facebook, dig me!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Zimmerman, Cheney and Walmart: Scumbags Gone Wild

Holaaaaaa y’all! There is one thing that is completely and totally obvious to me and should be to everyone else: The Scumbags Always Win.

Yup, people who are pieces of shit always win. Everything always works out for them and when it doesn’t, someone (or the government) steps in and saves them. Let’s take a look at today’s scumbags …

- George Zimmerman!Oh look! If it’s a day that ends in “y” then George Zimmerman must be in jail for a domestic dispute. Oh I know, it’s not his fault. It’s NEVER HIS FAULT! Sure he’s been arrested five times for domestic violence in his life and twice he has pointed or threatened his wife/girlfriend with a gun, but it wasn’t his fault. He’s a sweet, innocent victim of all these horrible people. And that unarmed teenager he shot and killed? He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Today’s incident has resulted in George being charged assault and battery after pointing a shotgun at his girlfriend. Don’t worry though, he’ll skate like always. People like George always go free. The NRA and other right wing organizations will be there to pay for everything again too.

I have seen a few women say things like “George Zimmerman has a girlfriend? How???” Isn’t that cute how they do that? Women are so naïve like that. Let me tell ya folks, behind every scumbag woman abusing murdering piece of shit guy is a long line of women wanting to get with him. I’ll never understand it either.

- Liz Cheney! Man, what a fun time it’s gonna be at the Cheney’s on Thanksgiving! Seems as though a little family tiff has blown wide open and in public no less! Liz Cheney is seeking the republican nomination for the US Senate in Wyoming (a state she may or may not live in) and to win the republican nomination she has be the most extreme hate-filled bigot imaginable.

So she has decided to publicly condemn her sister Mary who is in a same sex marriage with her longtime partner. Needless to say Mary isn’t all that impressed with Liz’s public pandering to scumbags and decided to let her know it publicly.

For their part Mommy and Daddy Cheney put out a statement today that basically says “politics first girls.” What a beautiful family they are huh? I can feel the warmth and love from here.

You know, I never really gave Liz Cheney much chance to oust sitting senator, far right-wing crazy Mike Enzi, but now I think she might. This kind of public scumbaggery probably gives her an advantage.

- Walmart! There is a Walmart in the Cleveland, OH area that is holding a food drive. Isn’t that a nice thing to do? A big, extremely profitable corporation is giving back to the community by holding a food drive for people who can’t afford to have a decent meal this Thanksgiving. That just makes me feel so good and frankly helps to restore my faith in humanity.

What? OHHHHHHHHHHHHH! They’re holding the food drive so Walmart employees can have a decent meal this Thanksgiving? One of the most profitable companies in the world pays its employees so little that they have to hold food drive for them? And that corporation is asking its customers “Hey, buy some extra groceries here at Walmart and then on your way out, put some food items in these bins for OUR EMPLOYEES!!!???

I fucking give up!

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS 

A Holiday Break Comes to IWS Radio

Cheers and Happy Monday to you all…This is Hangover Matt typing a mundane post on the IWS Radio website.

Hungover?  Matt?  I am shocked!! You are saying?

Well let me tell you, typically on Sundays here in the Bagwine digs, after Jay and I do the radio show, my partner in crime Schmoop, usually eats and then goes to bed, leaving me to just calmly “hang out” for the day.

Yesterday, that was not the case, noooooo.

After another excellent IWS Radio Broadcast, Schmoop popped open some beers, we listened to music, watched the incredible lightning displays, and five hours and a thirty pack of Milwaukee Best Light later, we were wonderfully tanked!!

Oh hell yes…tanked, but…It was nice.

We don’t get to do that together very often, and in fact, unless I dreamt it, we were even naked together part of that time.  That right there is an incredible rarity!!

Yes…yesterday was nice.

But yesterday is over and now, it’s time to get back to work, and back to the ice cold harshness of reality, or something.  Seriously though, today, let’s just catch our breath as I outline some goings on here at IWS.

Our November 9th show was of course #1 in Comedy, but also hit #3 in the much larger Entertainment category, so a big ol’ shout to all of you who listened and helped us to hit that mark!!

Jayman is leaving for warm and wonderful Omaha this coming Saturday, and will be enduring his family for a week so IWS Radio will be on a hiatus of sorts.

Yep, next week, there will be no posts on the IWS website (unless something earth shattering happens) annnnnd…the will be no IWS Radio Show on Saturday November 24th.  I know…I know…that’s a tough pill to swallow, but it must be.

Jayman will be whooping it up in Nebraska and I will use that day to procure the needed supplies for our big Thanksgiving menu which I will be preparing here in the Bagwine digs on the 28th.

Also, we have picked up some new fans on Facebook, so if you haven’t liked the IWS Radio page, you can click right here and help a couple brothers out as well.

Also, we have always asked people that if they have something to say, they are more than welcome to post on the IWS website.  If you ‘d like to do that simply get a hold of Jay or me, and you will become famous.

Lastly…

Jayman and I did another award winning IWS show yesterday.  We talked turkey and the holidays.  Martin had some Meditations, Dixie Ozark was awesomely amusing, Buddy Acapella debuted his new #1 hit song, Stubby Stonehenge gave a history lesson on Nebraska, and we had a delightful phone call from Greg of Circle G Ranch.

It was, in a word, awesome!!

So give it a listen.  If this show doesn't put you in the holiday mood, you are already dead inside.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Alec Baldwin is our Person of the Week!

The IWS Person of the Week is one of America's most respected and accomplished actors, Alec Baldwin!

Alec is well know for his roles in both the movies and on TV and for his versatility in playing both dramatic and comedic characters. He is perhaps best known though for delivering one of the best monologues in history in Glengarry Glen Ross ...

                              

And in fairness, he's also known as a raging asshole ...

And he's known as the father of super hot supermodel Ireland Baldwin whom he infamously called a "pig" once ...

I can understand how frustrating the paparazzi can get, especially when they won't leave your family alone, but dude, enough with all the racial and homophobic slurs, okay? Thanks.

Anyway, congrats to Alec Baldwin for being named the IWS Person of the Week!


And, don't forget to join us for "Food, Family and Festivities: The Holidays are Coming" on IWS Radio at 12 Noon ET!!!!

Matt Said, Jay Said...1.38

Matt Coughs...Jay Sneezes...You reach for the Hand Sanitizer

Jay:  Hola and hello.
Matt:  Dude, you sound awful.
Jay:  I would tell you that I feel awful, but I don’t like to burden my friends.
Matt:  Even drugged up and sick, you are still a selfless human being.
Jay:  I know right?

Matt:  Hey I just checked BTR, last week’s show is now #3 in all of entertainment.
Jay:  I would be excited about that if I weren't on the death’s doorstep.
Matt:  Suck it up, man!!
Jay:  Alright, alright…so this Sunday? What’s the topic?
Matt:  Well…much like you next week, millions of Americans will gearing up for the holidays.

Jay:  Yeah…I’ll be heading to Nebraska for a wonderful Thanksgiving week.
Matt:  Yep…Thanksgiving annnnd...Hanukkah begins on Thanksgiving this year.
Jay:  I wonder what, if anything, Jews eat when that happens.
Matt:  I dunno.  Turkey is kosher isn't it?
Jay:  I think so.  I’m pretty sure they serve it in the finer Jewish delis.
Matt:  A Jewish Thanksgiving, there has to be some yuks yuks talking about that.

Jay:  True…And we could talk about personal prepping for all of the upcoming holidays.
Matt:  Sounds good…I bet Giada De Laurentiis turns turkey day into a Broadway type event.
Jay:  Maybe in most years, I thi---
Matt:  Most years?
Jay:  Yeah I hear she and hubby Todd are kinda on the outs.
Matt:  Really?
Jay:  Oh hell yeah and our staff has exclusive access to some pretty salacious audio of the couple.
Matt:  Sweet!!
Jay:  We’ll definitely debut that this Sunday.

Matt:  Awesome.  I hear Buddy Acapella has a new holiday song out.
Jay:  He’s amazing.  Dixie Ozark is going to be on hand as well.
Matt:  Love Her!!  Stubby Stonehenge has some little known facts about Nebraska to share.
Jay:  I’ll need to know those before I get there.  And you know what else I’ll need?
Matt:  What’s that?
Jay:  Some Meditations by Martin to keep me calm during my travels.

Matt:  Sounds as though this is going to be a laugh packed show.
Jay:  Made only funnier by the fact that we’ll be calling the Butterball Help Line.
Matt:  Along with Butterball we have a new seasonal sponsor as well.
Jay:  Holy Cow, this is HUGE!!

Matt:  I know right?
Jay:  If folks don’t listen to IWS Radio LIVE tomorrow from Noon-2 PM ET they’re wacko.
Matt:  And un-American.
Jay:  I think we’re ready.
Matt:  God Bless American and Green Bean Casserole!!
Jay:  Uuch, I think I’m feeling sick again.

To listen to the IWS Radio Show LIVE tomorrow from Noon-2 PM ET, click HERE.   

Feeling Thankful and Blessed

Holaaaaaaaaaa! So, it’s been a long two weeks here in Redneckville. First, my Nana Creta passed away which meant lots of time spent in situations where there was potential for me to say or do something stupid. Luckily, I made it through all that unscathed though. Then, as a result of being outside so much over those days and the ups and downs of the weather, I caught a cold. It’s been nothing but hacking, coughing, sneezing and snotting for like 5 days now and I’ve just about had enough of it.

Well, it’s not all doom and gloom. I got lots and lots of love and support when Nana Creta died last week and lots of get well wishes the last couple of days. That includes some “sexy healing vibes” from an ungodly sexy and wonderful babe. All of that has made me feel much better and given me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over.

And, on top of all that our “Games People Play” episode of IWS Radio has had a blowout week! Not only did we hit #1 early in the week in the Comedy category, we have now climbed all the way to #5 in the main Entertainment category! For some reason BTR decided to make Comedy a sub-category of Entertainment, but we have overcome this outrageous slight and persevered like the hardworking, grind-it-out, never-say-never guys we are.

So, you know what would be awesome? If everyone listened to “Games People Play” ONE MORE TIME! Hell yeah!

We love and appreciate each and every one of you guys out there and are so grateful for your support!

Discover Comedy Internet Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Holiday Palooza...Let's Party!!

Hi Y’all…and Happy Thursday to all you discerning readers of the IWS Radio website.

Seems as though, I read yesterday that Jayman is getting ready for the holiday season, and is about to take a sabbatical from all things IWS Radio wise.

He says he is going to take off on the 23rd of this month, and head northerly and slightly west or so, and camp his creativity in of all places, Omaha, Nebraska.

To Jayman, I bid you a good stay, a good holiday, and I hope that your family is actually glad that you are spending time with them.

As to a certain housekeeping note, Jay informed me that if he is murdered while in Omaha, he has written down on a piece of *******, that explains why *********  **** killed him.

I appreciate that, and if not too drunk upon his demise while on holiday, I will follow-up upon that.

Seriously though?

I know that Jayman loves his family, and well…they are a very nice family, and he is a fairly nice guy.

I dearly love my family, except for one sister, and…

I love many people with whom I have united with, reunited with, discovered, and re-discovered.

Many of whom, helped Schmoop and I through a most tumultuous this time last year.

I have always been a sucker for Thanksgiving, because it was the one time a year that all of my family was together…all day.

As the youngest of nine, it wasn’t Christmas Eve when we gathered at 7 PM for a few hours that turned me on, it was Thanksgiving…Thanksgiving was all day family…I miss it…I loved it.

I am so happy that Jayman is seeking a week of solace away with his family as they celebrate the white man inviting Indians over for a meal, taking their land, all the while drugging the redskin with tryptophan…

That is so real, so God-Sent, so American!!

I hope when all is said done, that Jay and his family enjoy a piece of, Trail of Tears pie together.  It’s a very easy recipe…

Two mud caked moccasins sandwiched between two pieces of buffalo hide.  Very Tasty!!

Anyhoo…

As Jay said on his post yesterday, he will be gone for awhile and we won’t be doing a show on the 24th…

Or will we?

C’mon ladies, it’s show your tits on the radio show time with Matt-Man!!

Let’s do a free Boobie Show on the 24th in honor of Jayman!!

Ha…Kidding of course…Unless there are enough participants.

Anyhoo…Join Jayman and I this Sunday, as we strike a discordant chord and kick off the Holidays on IWS Radio…

In order to catch us LIVE this Sunday, click HERE

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_IWS
My Facebook Page

Are You Ready For The Holidays!

*Sings* “Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the wa…” Oh! Holaaaaaaaa! Or HO-HO-HO-La! Or something. It’s almost time for the Holidays again kids! Aren’t you excited? I know I am! You can tell by all the exclamation points I’m using!

I really do love this time of year. It’s finally cool, cold even! It was like 28 degrees when I woke up this morning. Damn near too cold to go commando, but not quite. Doesn’t the cold air make you feel alive? It does me. I feel all invigorated and shit when that cold November wind hits me in the face and makes me get all teary eyed and snot-nosed. It’s a wonderful feeling!

Why was I out in the cold wind you ask? I had to go and get something for my sore throat and this cold that I caught being outside in the cold air so much last week. So now my throat hurts all the time, I’m sniffing and sneezing non-stop, snot is running down my nose constantly and my head feels like it’s stuffed with cotton. But, that’s a small price to pay for enjoying this wonderful and magical time of year.

I just love going into any store and hear Christmas music already. I LOOOOOOVE Christmas music! I also love to wander around and look at all the cheap Christmas crap made in China. Uh, I mean all the beautiful and expertly made Christmas stuff manufactured by our very good friends over in China. (Whew! That was a close one. I would hate to have to apologize to China three times, right Jimmy Kimmel?)

Every year I go into Walmart or some other place thinking that I might get a few new Christmas decorations. I wander around and look at all the shiny stuff they have and end up getting nothing. Well, a couple of years ago I did get a new wreath for the door at an after Christmas sale, but that’s it. I’m sure this year will be the same. I’ll just put out that ceramic snowman, creepy Santa and of course Rudolph. The very same Rudolph who has been hung on the wall since I was like 10 years old.

Isn’t he cute? Why would anyone want to replace Rudolph? I guess I could get a NEW Rudolph, but what would be the point in that? Rudolph is Rudolph and that Rudolph will last another 35 years easy!

Oh don’t worry, none of these decorations will be going up until after Thanksgiving. I’m not a savage you know! Oh, that reminds me. I will once again be spending the week of Thanksgiving in beautiful, mysterious and exotic Omaha, Nebraska. (Weather permitting, of course.) So, that means I will be taking that week off from IWS related activities. No show on the 24^thunless Matt-Man wants to do the show by himself or get a special guest co-host, and no blogging that whole week by me. Try not to miss me too much, okay?

It is almost my intention to once again get all my Christmas shopping done by Thanksgiving. I will either do it here or in Omaha. That way I won’t have to worry about shipping anything and trusting the USPS to actually deliver the package. I have my doubts about their ability to do that. Anyway, that way just when things start getting really hectic for most people, all I will have to do is hang Rudolph on the wall, put up the tree and make the fudge. And THAT’S what makes the Holidays such a wonderful time of year!

*Sings* “Deck the halls with boughs of holly, Fa la la la la, la la la la.”

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Darryl Parks Fired by Clear Channel Communications

Until very recently, I enjoyed Saturday mornings.

Schmoop would wake me at 7:30.  I’d have a cup of coffee or two, sleepily throw on the trappings that I wore to work the day before, make the short drive to cash my check, and hurriedly head back home.

I’d make certain that the aforementioned Saturday morning ritual went down without a miscue, so that I could get back home in time to enjoy one last cup of coffee, and listen to Darryl Parks do his Saturday morning talk show on 700 WLW.

His friendly, more than humorous, and logical banter never failed to brighten my mood prior to my Saturday 11-9 shift at the Beer Mine.  And, I already miss it, because due to a case of corporate dementia, he has been let go.

I know, I know…perhaps at this point, you are saying to yourselves…

“Um…Gee Matt.  I am sorry that you are so upset about losing the 120 minutes of joy in your week, but…I’m sure you can fill that void with someone or something else.”

Well…I’m sure I could, but that’s not the point.  His two hour a week show was but a raindrop of what he did.

The point is, that Clear Channel Communications, that right wing Buchenwald of modern day radio has recently gassed one of the most talented people in radio.

Darryl Parks who since 2010, had been Clear Channel’s Vice-President for News Talk Operations, was fired Wednesday November 6th by said company.

Yes, I am upset that I will no longer get to hear his 2 hour show a week that I am sure he did because he enjoyed keeping in touch with an audience, but I am going to miss him more for adding a common sense voice to a decidedly right wing radio empire.

And perhaps more than that, I hate to see good and exponentially talented people get cast aside due to being too truthful, talented, pointing out problems with the FCC, and calling the National Association of Broadcasters meeting nothing but a, “circle jerk.”

God forbid that one of the most talented people in radio speak the truth and upset the apple-litude cart of Clear Channel’s latest two-five year plan or whatever.

Gimme a break.

I know that the radio division of Clear Channel is for the most, nothing more than a platform for right wing entertainment, but Jesus Christ, isn’t there room for Darryl Parks?

A man who is not only right of center but smart, successful, articulate, and entertaining as well?

I guess not, and you know why?

Because Clear Channel Communications, in spite of their right wing ideology, does not want one of their own rocking the boat of the FCC nor the National Association of Broadcasters.

Because Clear Channel knows, and as Darryl Parks has always said, “Rule Number One in Radio, is ratings and revenue.”

And therein lies the irony of this bullshit firing of Darryl “Kickin’ the Dog” Parks.

Clear Channel Communications, the bastion of anti-government radio is worried that comments made by one of its shining stars may have upset the government agency known as the FCC, and upset a group of stodgy old broadcasters.

Hmmmph.

Clear Channel wants it both ways…To hate the government on the air for ratings, and yet, have its corporate treasure protected by the very government upon which it chides.

In the instant, one of the most talented guys in radio is out of work.

Maybe it's for the best, because it shines a light on the corporate/government hypocrisy that takes place every day, and…

Darryl Parks will find another job soon…Yeah, he’s that good…He’s that good.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_IWS
My Facebook Page

Another Round of Headlines Coming Right Up!

Hola y’all! Hey! I know what we can do! Let’s do some funny(ish) headlines. Okay? Okay!

Gay men in 16 states suddenly feeling societal pressure to get married and settle down.

KKK disavows any connection the GOP. “They’re ruining our image” says Grand Wizard.

INFp man sits quietly at homeowner’s association meeting and never brings up his list of grievances.

Special Investigative Report: Christians Be Mingling.

“Ellen Page Cute” added as new highest level of cuteness.

Equate’s new generic Sudafed to say “Compare to the name brand ingredients in Meth” on the box.

Israel puts hands in pockets, looks to sky and whistles innocently after report claims that Yasser Arafat was poisoned. 

Message board commenter convinces himself he could both coach and play QB for his favorite team, no problem.

Newly elected Governor of Virginia Terry McAuliffe guarantees he can make it to inaugural day without being indicted, maybe a few months longer.

To trip up the NSA Vice President Joe Biden speaks only in Pig Latin during phone calls.

Germaphobe horrified to discover that sex isn’t nearly as clean and easy as it is depicted on TV and in the movies.

Local Postmaster denies post office is responsible for mail deliveries.

Teenager shocked to realize she can make phone calls on iPhone that she’s had for a year.

CBS announces new sitcom set to debut in 2014 titled “How I Met Your Mother’s Two Broke Girls Theory”

Paris Hilton finds out that slavery existed and is now sad and angry...

Just watched #12YearsASlave. It made me so sad, angry & disgusted that people could ever treat others in such a horrible way. :( #SoWrong
— Paris Hilton (@ParisHilton) November 6, 2013

NFL kicker thinks “screw it, I’m trying an onside kick here” with little success.

Bored Circuit Court judge decides to replace “the witness is excused” with “get the fuck outta here.”

Elderly man just can’t figure out Netflix’s broadcast schedule.

It’s Official: There’s Nothing Left to Put Pumpkin In.

Man dismayed to discover that his Favestar stars and retweets don’t look that impressive on his resume.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

In other funny news, you should totally check out “Games People Play” on IWS Radio! We talked about all our favorite games from board games to card games to mind games and even to flag football and pick-up basketball. Plus we heard from Bobby Kraft, the Rev Moneymaker (who went looooooooong on his sermon this week), Poetry ‘n Such w/ Paul Piatt and some blasts from the game playing past!

Current Comedy Podcasts at Blog Talk Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

Our Favorite Game Show Hosts are Person(s) of the Week

Our IWS Person(s) of the Week are our favorite Game Show Hosts of all time!

Alex Trebek, host of Jeopardy!

Cedric the Entertainer, host of Who Wants to be a Millionaire

Pat Sajak and Vana White of Wheel of Fortune …

The late, great Wink Martindale who most famously hosted Tic Tac Dough

And of course, Kari Wuher who was Ken Ober’s co-host on Remote Control on MTV back in the day …

And, speaking of games, don’t forget to tune into “GamesPeople Play” on IWS Radio at 12 Noon ET! 

Matt Said, Jay Said...888-836-7025

Matt strains to hear...Jay whispers...You say, what the fuck?

Matt:  Hello?
Jay:  hello.
Matt:  HELLO?
Jay:  matt…it’s me, jayman.
Matt:  JAY!?
Jay:  shhhh…keep it down.
Matt:  What?  Why the hell are you whispering?
Jay:  i’m at nana creta’s funeral and this is our only chance to prep before sunday’s show.

Matt:  oh okay…how’s the funeral going?
Jay:  oh fine, i haven’t embarrassed myself yet.
Matt:  excellent…is your hair still holding its own again the wind and the elements.
Jay:  it looks pretty damn good…if i do say so, myself.
Matt:  you just did.
Jay: i know right?

Matt:  hey…our show this sunday is a blog talk radio staff pick.  we need to be “on it.”
Jay:  i know…it’s as if btr knew i was grieving and vulnerable and decided to finally feature our show.
Matt:  it’s as if those bastards know when we aren’t ready.
Jay:  that’s okay; we’ll adapt and overcome.

Matt:  true dat.  what are you guys doing after the funeral?
Jay:  probably just hang out, and play some yahtzee or something.
Matt:  HA!!
Jay:  shhhhhhhh
Matt:  ooooo….sorry, but it’s funny you say that, because Schmoop and I are currently playing monopoly.
Jay:  awwww, that’s nice.  board games like that bring people closer together.
Matt:  i love board games, especially at this holiday time of year with friends and family getting together.

Jay:  maybe we could talk about our all-time favorite games n’shit.
Matt:  AWESOME IDEA!!
Jay:  DAMN MATT….SHHHHHHHH.
Matt:  you too…shush…
Jay:  oh jeez…okay, i’m better now.  that was close…
Matt:  everything okay?
Jay:  yeah, i think perhaps that one freaky cousin i barely know heard me, but it’s all good.
Matt: okay.

Matt:  okay then…we’ll talk about the holidays and board games bringing us all together with jesus and each other…

Matt:  jay?

Jay:  sorry…rev. moneymaker is eulogizing.
Matt:  our rev. moneymaker?
Jay:  well sure…he’s already on staff…why pay for an outsider?
Matt:  wow…from now on when i think of you, i will think…cost-effective.
Jay:  hey, money doesn't grow on trees ya know, but in a way, board games do.
Matt:  good point.

Jay:  alright then…i think we are ready for the games people play show.
Matt:  yes we are.  it should be a huge one.
Jay:  but not nearly as huge as the life that my nana creta lived.
Matt:  word.  a good woman through and through.
Jay:  yes she was, and will be missed.

Matt and Jay:  AMEN!!

Matt and Jay:  OH SHIT!!  shhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

So folks, join IWS Radio LIVE this Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET as Jay and I discuss our favorite games, and as we discuss the wicked mind games that friends and family play throughout the holiday season.

To listen LIVE this Sunday, you can click right HERE!!  

Dead Grandma and Other Tales

Jay's Grandma died...I'm tired...Just listen to the latest episode of  IWS Radio Show...

Popular Comedy Internet Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

Annnnnnd, join me tomorrow, where I may have something funny and insightful to say...

But probably not...

Cheers!!

Entering the Danger Zone

Holaaaaaaaaaa! Well, as Matt-Man mentioned yesterday, my Nana Creta passed away on Tuesday. She was 95 years old and lived a long and wonderful life. Sure, there were some hard times growing up in rural Arkansas, but she persevered and always made the best of it. She was born in Maumee, Arkansas in 1918 and grew up around St. Joe and then lived seventy-plus years in Yellville. She will be missed so very much.

Of course, this means I’ll be heading into the Danger Zone on Friday. That’s the day of the funeral and I’ll have to be on my best behavior. Anytime I have to attend a formal function like a funeral I have to remember that social disaster lurks around every corner. I have the potential to say something stupid at any moment. It’s gonna be an Afternoon of Awkward people!

Plus, I have to wear a suit. Hell, I had even forgotten that I owned a suit until I looked in my closet to see what I had and what I might have to go get for the funeral. It’s a pretty decent suit and it all matches which is a huge plus right there. I’ll just have to try to stop myself from fidgeting around and messing with my tie the whole time. It’s pretty bad when a 45 year old is more fidgety than the little kids.

It all starts at 12 Noon with a lunch at the Methodical Church over in Yellville. My primary objective during lunch will be to make sure I don’t spill anything on my shirt which is much easier said than done. I’m not sure what will be served but if it’s possible to drop a big blob of it on my tie and shirt, I’m sure I will. Damn won’t I look good up there with the other pallbearers with a big stain right in the middle of my shirt? OH GOD THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN ISN’T IT??!!??

Then there’s the funeral itself. Since funeral services are generally not very long it really won’t be that bad. Just a little sermon and maybe some people telling some fun stories and stuff like that. Immediately after the service comes one of two opportunities for epic embarrassment. I’m talking of course about possibly being THE ONE who either struggles with or even loses his grip on the coffin. Okay, that’s probably not going to happen because there are eight of us and I’M A BIG STRONG MAN! But, nothing is out of the realm of possibility here.

Let’s see, what else could go wrong? Oooooo I could have a massive fall allergy attack! That’s a good one. I’ll end up spending the entire day sneezing and snotting all over myself and people sitting or standing near me. Not to mention the hacking and coughing while the preacher is trying to speak. Man that will be super annoying!

My back could suddenly act up. That would be sweet. Sitting there in excruciating pain desperately needing to move around or lie down but not able to. Could you imagine how much fun that would be? Not to mention I would be walking around looking like someone shoved a corn cob up my ass. That’s always a good look. Also, if I’m in that kind of pain I’m far more likely to say something stupid and/or spill some food on my shirt.

Honestly, there’s a loooooong list of things that could happen. I’m not saying I think any of them will, I’m just saying it’s possible. Don’t worry though, I’m totally not stressing over this at all. Nope, not me. I know it’s all good.  Well, unless I have BOTH an allergy attack AND my back flares up! Yeah, that’s the most likely scenario.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Hump Day Hodgepodge

Cheeeeeeeers and Happy Hump Day Chuckleheads!!

A whole lotta nothing exciting going on around here, or is there?

Let’s find out, by just letting the personal headlines from my head ooze out onto the always artful pages of the IWS website.

Dateline…Commonwealth of Virginia…Headline reads…

Terry “I’m a Carpet Bagging Car Salesman” McAuliffe defeats Ken “Transvaginal Ultrasound” Cuccinelli to win the title of, Slightly Less Creepy of the Two Old Dominion Gubernatorial Candidates.

Dateline…Bagwine, Ohio Apartment 102...New Furnace Installed, Schmoop Gets Hot Just Looking at It.

The always cold IWS Radio bit player Schmoop, shone a rare smile today when she eyed a new Goodman furnace nestled snugly within the IWS Bagwine Studio.  Isn't it pretty?

Upon final installation of said furnace, she chirped…

“Sweet!!  Now I can quit using Matt-Man as a blanket, send him back to his couch, and get eight hours of quality, undisturbed sleep every night.  Praise Jeebus!!”

Sometimes when Schmoop speaks extemporaneously and I am within ear shot, it is quite hurtful, but…I sally forth, and hide my hurt and bitterness from her.  I only cry when she goes to work, or when I am at work, or…when she rests with a smile upon her face while I TYPE IN ANGER!!

Kidding, of course…sorta.

Anyhoo…

When I read my timeline on Twitter…I almost always say to myself, “America certainly does get the government she deserves.”

The tweets from the right and the left are enough to propel Hitler, Hindenburg, Stalin, and Trotsky to get along, and all the while asking each other…

“Let’s see if Roosevelt and Churchill would like to come over for drinks and a wicked game of charades.”

If America, any country, or the fragile sanity of the world is to survive, we all need to let go of this, “You’re either with me or against me” bullshit.

You know what’s funny?

Outraged TRUE conservatives like Sean Hannity and his tea bagging partiers want reform, and yet…

They cling like Socialists to the political meal ticket of the GOP.  They claim that they want reform, but don’t have the guts nor the electability to do it on their own, so?

They whine about their own party, which of course, they do “in no way belong”…

What?  Fucking pussies.

Left wing Democrats?  They are euphoric.  In spite of themselves and a President who couldn’t lead a baloney sandwich and a bag of pretzels from its paper bag into the mouth of a hungry, lunch-time sixth grader, celebrate the victory of last night’s elections.

What a joke.

Nobody cares about governing.  Nobody cares.  Left, Right, Conservative, or Liberal.  Nobody cares about you or I. Or about Peter, about Paul, about Shirley.  Ha!!

You thought I was going to say Mary, didn’t you?

Eh…Politicians just want to get re-elected, and folks like Hannity, Maddow, and others, just want to get ratings.

Many Americans want to be part of a winning team.  Whether it be a football team, a Baseball team, or sadly, a political party.

They want to win.  Unfortunately, while electioneering is a game of skill and chance, governing is not, and that is where Americans blow it.  A 51% to 49% vote total is not a win if the man or woman that we elected has no idea how to govern.

And lastly…

A shout-out to Jayman and his family, as oft time mentioned Nana Creta passed away yesterday afternoon at the age of 95.  I often made jokes about her longevity, and feel a missing of her already.

I dig anyone who can transcend the averages like she did, and am saddend by her passing.  So…

Pass your heart felt sympathies on to Jayman and his family today, if you would.  I am sure he would appreciate it.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

Mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Elected Officials Have Got it Easy

Hola political junkies and hardworking people of the world! You know what looks like a really easy job? Pretty much any job you have to get elected to do. I thought of this after reading Mike's comment on our Person of the Week post on Sunday. I’m pretty sure this is why so many people who supposedly despise government want so badly to get elected to a job where you are supposed to help run it. It’s easy. The pay is good, especially compared to the effort, and the benefits that most of these guys are outraged that poor people might have access to are amazing. Seriously, it all looks like cake to me.

Sure, there are a handful of elected positions that are pretty stressful. Let’s list them …

1. President of the United States
2. Leadership of either party in the House or Senate
3. Governor of NY, CA, IL or FL (and maybe a couple of other big, diverse states)
4. Mayor of a very large diverse city with high crime rates like OBAMA’S CHICAGO!
5. Sherriff of large diverse counties with high crime rates.

THAT’S IT! THAT’S THE LIST! All other elected positions are freaking easy-peasy lemon-squeazy!

Seriously though, just being a regular, everyday member of congress? That’s fucking easy street right there. You might have to attend some late night sessions so you can vote however leadership or your biggest political donor told you to, but in general it’s not very taxing. Congressman John Paul Hammerschmidt represented Arkansas’ 3^rd District for twenty-six years without ever authoring a single piece of legislation. What the hell did he do all that time? I mean, other than standing tall with Richard Nixon? That’s how easy that job is.

Most members of congress are failed businessmen, used car dealers or over-zealous prosecutors who railroaded just enough black people to the electric chair to get elected. They don’t bother themselves with big issues of the day. They aren’t involved in international relations and making the decision to go to war is easy because they aren’t sending anyone in their family off to die in a foreign desert.

Oh sure they have to hold the occasional press conference where they complain about the President taking an “undeserved” vacation right before they fly off on a lobbyist paid trip to a small Caribbean island known for its cheap and easy drugs and readily available underage hookers through the flesh trade. That’s a small price to pay though!

And the Senate? Don’t get me started! Again, if you’re not part of the party leadership you’re just another member of the greatest and cushiest country club in the world. Hell, they get six whole freaking years so they don’t even have to worry about getting reelected every two years. Get elected once and you are guaranteed to make the five years needed to get a pension. Get reelected once and you’ll probably be there a loooooooong time.

What an amazing life these people lead. Hell, even lower level elected officials like Arkansas Lt. Governor Mark Darr get all kinds of perks. He gets a state police escort to drive him wherever he wants to go whether it’s an official state event or personal. He defends this by saying he needs to be on his phone doing state business. The Arkansas Lt. Governor has fewer official duties assigned to him than the Vice President. Which means FUCKING ZERO!

I’m telling ya people, the hardest thing these people have to do is decide what to wear to the meet and greet cocktail parties thrown by lobbyist where they all get together and plan out how to further fuck the regular people over.

I really don’t know whether to be disgusted by all this or in awe of it.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Here's To My Best Friend...Schmoop

Cheeeeeeeeers and Happy Monday Bitches!!

This is a special week here in the Bagwine digs.  This Thursday will mark the 13th Anniversary of me, the Matt-Man, meeting my best friend of all time.

So, let’s kick this this week off with a smile, shall we?

Otay…

I am a smart ass.  I can be smarmy and intolerable.  I can be a complete asshole if the sixteen-sided dice of God’s play on D&D rolls just right, but actually?

While I do admit to being a sarcastic smartass, the
other stuff?

Eh…I may come off as being intolerable from time to time, but for the most part, I am just a simple guy, with simple needs, and one of those needs is friendship.

And in all honesty, even if I do appear to be an smarmy asshole to you…

I wouldn’t be intolerable, smarmy, nor even talking to you today, if it weren’t for the friendship I garnered from a woman whom I moved in with, thirteen years ago…

Literally, yes literally Jayman, and others, I don’t know at which rest stop I’d be sleeping if weren’t for the Schmoopster.

Schmoop, aka Beth, allowed me into her home some thirteen years ago while she herself was trying to spiral up from a downward trend in her life.  Even only quasi-knowing me through my sister, she opened up her home to me, and afforded me a place to stay.

And then…She made the mistake of feeding me, and some few months later with pastrami hanging from my wet mouth while watching an episode of The Red Green Show, she told me that she loved me, and I, upon wiping the mayo from my mouth with my sleeve said…

“I love you too.”

It was the weirdest thing because, I had never thought about this thing called love with Schmoop, and I don’t think she had either, yet she said it, and I reciprocated without a linger, hesitation, or second thought.

I am not a believer in pre-destination, nor the Arabic belief of kismet, but let me tell you, moving in with Schmoop lo those thirteen years ago was out of the blue and the best thing that ever happened to me in my adult life…and for that, I am grateful.

We get along, and well, if one has that, they are way ahead of the game.

Schmoop hates that I talk so much, yet laughs at what I say.  I hate it that she is not a “people person”, but love it when she does take a liking to someone.  She hates waking up on Sunday mornings to me cursing Paul Piatt’s latest bad take, and yet…

She loves the IWS Radio Show, and even more so, she hopes it will lead to something big for Jay and I.

I guess the glue that holds Schmoop and I together is that we just want to be able to sit down at the end of day, and no matter what has happened at work, with our families, or between us, clink a can of beer in cheers with our best friend.

We do that every night, and I hope to do the same thing until the day I die.

Here’s wishing a Happy 13th Anniversary to my best friend Schmoop, and to a woman who will always be the love of my life.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man
mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

And speaking of relationships…Jay and I did a great IWS RADIO Relationship show yesterday…You should listen to it: