Hey? Did You Know..?

Cheeeeeeeers Chuckleheads!!

Hey?  Did you know that it’s Breast Cancer Awareness Month?  I’m not kidding.  So folks out there, check out your breasts.

Hey?  Did you know that this coming Thursday is my son’s 19th birthday?  If you are going to his birthday party this Saturday, tell him I said hi.

Hey?  Did you know that today is National Babbling Day?  So c’mon folks, go out there today and be yourselves.

Hey?  Did you know that the suggested serving size of Great Value Tater Tots is ten tots?  It’s true, so let’s not make a pig out of yourselves at your next meal.

Hey?  Can you tell I woke up around 10:06 PM Sunday night and realized that it was my turn to post on the IWS website?

Hey?  Did you know that around here at least, Pizza Hut still has the any pizza for ten bucks offer.  Schmoop and I took advantage of that yesterday and we bought two.  We’re such pigs.

Hey?  Did you know that IWS Radio is the #1 comedy show on Blog Talk Radio?  It’s true…you should scurry off and listen to it…multiple times a day.

Hey?  Did I tell you that my BFF Schmoop started her period yesterday?  Perhaps I shouldn’t have mentioned that.

Hey?  Would you take you the trash sometime?  Thanks.

Hey?  Can you tell that I am just phoning this one in?  I thought so.

Hey?  Did you know that Jay is positive that his life sucks and will never get any better.  That’s so sad.

Hey?  Are you a Wiccan or know somebody who is?  We’d like to interview a Wicca type folk on next Sunday’s show.

Hey?  I’m outta here, but before I go, I have something to ask of you…

Give yesterday’s IWS Radio Show a listen.  Jayman, myself, and even the uber-hot Schmoop got all reflective and introspective n’shit.

Annnnnnnnnnd folks….Thanks to Martin, we got naked with Tamron Hall; LIVE on the show!!  It was awesome.

So listen up and give it a laugh…

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

St Louis Cardinals are the Person(s) of the Week!

The IWS Person(s) of the Week are the St. Louis Cardinals!

The Cardinals just beat the Los Angeles Dodgers to earn their fourth trip to the World Series in the last 10 years …

Their 19^th National League Pennant …

Proving once again that they are one of the best organizations not just in baseball, but in all of professional sports …

Not to mention having the BEST FANS IN BASEBALL!

And if you don’t believe me, just do a search on Twitter and find out. They’ll tell you. Over and over and over again.  Oh, and a quick little congrats to the Cubs for finishing LAST in the Central Division …. AGAIN.

Be sure to check out this week’s IWS Radio as we get deep and introspective in “Who am I and Why am I Here” at 12 Noon ET or in the archives! 

Matt Said, Jay Said...9373241798

Matt winces...Jay shudders...You see exactly why they are doing that.

Matt:  Wassssssssup!?
Jay:  Aren't we a little old to be answering the phone with, “Wasssssssup?”
Matt:  Oh I don’t know.  I guess. Maybe?  What?
Jay:  I don’t know…say what you want, I’m just feeling  a little…a little…um…
Matt:  A little what?

Jay:  Oh hell…and don’t make fun of me, but I’m beginning to question who I am and where I came from.
Matt:  What?  They don’t teach that in Arkansas?
Jay:  See?  You’re doing it again!!  It’s like--
Matt:  I’m sorry, please continue and I’ll be a most affectionate and attentive listener.

Jay:  Alright then…Don’t you ever wonder how you got to the point in your life at which you are?
Matt:  I try not to, because that is one ugly road map, but yes.
Jay:  And have you ever wondered where you will be in five or ten years.
Matt:  I do, but it usually involves me being buried next to my brothers, so I try to think of other things.
Jay:  I too think of those things.
Matt:  I can tell, and you do it with a Shakespearean cadence in your voice, and it’s hot.
Jay:  Me thanks you.

Matt: Sooooooooo, what should we talk about this Sunday on the show?
Jay:  Don’t you get it man!?  We should talk about our lives and why and how the way they are!!
Matt:  You mean, like open up about ourselves?
Jay:  Yes!!  Talk about our past failures and how we long for future glory.
Matt:  You mean, and do it in an honest sense?
Jay:  Hell Yeah!!  We all have regrets and future hopes that shape our lives.  Let’s lay them out there.

Matt:  That’s like being completely naked in front of a world wide audience.
Jay:  Yes it is.
Matt:  That’s kinda hot.
Jay:  Yes it is.
Matt:  So in order to go full frontal introspection, we should be naked during the show.
Jay:  Yes it is.
Matt:  What?
Jay:  Oh sorry…Yes we should.

Matt:  Sounds good, and maybe Guy Ahnyurdyck and Paul Piatt could weigh in with some introspection!!
Jay:  And Rev. Moneymaker and Bobby Kraft as well.
Matt:  And you know…Schmoop has a very compelling, “how I got to this point in my life” story.
Jay:  From what I know of you…er…I mean, know of her story…it’s not pretty.
Matt:  No…no it’s not.

Jay:  So?  Are you ready to do the, Who Am I and Why Am I Here show on IWS Radio this Sunday?
Matt:  Physically, yes I am.  Emotionally?  It could be very painful.
Jay:  Excellent.  I hope you, or I, or both of us break down.  That would be awesome for ratings.
Matt:  If that happens, as soon as I uncoil from my fetal position, I will thank everyone.
Jay:  We give our bodies.  We give our time.  We give our humor.  This Sunday…we give our souls.

Matt:  I love you.
Jay:  I love you too.
Matt:  Let’s get reaaaaaaaaaady to catharsisiiiiiiiize!!
Jay:  Boooooooo Yah!!

To listen to the IWS Radio Show LIVE tomorrow from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio just click HERE.

And if you’d like to share YOUR life’s road map, victories, and heartaches, you can call-in at 661.244.9852.

Jesus Christ People, Leave Me Alone!

Hola to all the true believers, nonbelievers and everyone in between! Jesus People have really stepped up their game here in Redneckville over the last couple of weeks. I’ve been getting lots of church flyers on my door and even a few on my car which really annoys me. It’s supposed to be against the rules here at the Palatial Estates for people to go door-to-door or put fliers on cars but if anyone tries to run them off they’ll be accused of supporting El Diablo, Al Qaeda and/or Barack Obama. Of course most people here think Obama IS an Al Qaeda supporting Anti-Christ anyway.

Lately though, the Jesus People have gotten much more aggressive than just leaving flyers.  A couple of weeks ago a man and woman showed up at my door on a Saturday at 11 am hoping to talk to me about Jesus. They were from the Baptist Church which is the Big Dog of churches here in town. They pretty much dominate everything.

Anyhoodle, these two banged on my door and when I answered immediately handed me this little Jesus booklet talking about not just the history of Jesus, but the entire 6,000 year history of Earth. The highlight was the Eternal Life Birth Certificate…

Just fill it out and keep it with you at all times because that’s your ticket to Heaven! Just show St. Peter that and he will step aside and let you right in. Hell … er … Heck, you won’t even have to stand in line OR watch the orientation and safety video if you have one of those with ya.

After they handed me the booklet they attempted to invite themselves in so they could sit down, have a glass of lemon iced tea and talk Jesus with me. I politely yet firmly stood my ground and told them to have a nice day. The nerve of those people! Trying to come into my home and talk Jesus shit when there was college football on!

There was another Jesus related incident today. I had just finished my weekly shopping trip to Aldi and was returning my cart like a good member of society would when a woman walked right up to me and handed me yet another Jesus booklet while saying “Hello! You should read this.” Then she turns and walks off.

So this is how people are spreading the good word now? Harassing people in their own homes and accosting them in grocery store parking lots? Really? REALLY?!

I’m all for freedom of religion and I consider myself a Christian, but I’m also for freedom FROM religion. I shouldn’t be harassed both in public and at home by people who seem to believe that not only am I in need of saving but arrogantly believe that THEY have been chosen by God to do so.

I’ve never been a big fan of organized religion and don’t believe that you have to go to church every week or even ever to be a good Christian. In fact, I’ve found lots of churches that are full of really bad, fake Christians. So many people feel that just showing up for an hour or so every Sunday plus on Christmas Eve and hating gays is all it takes to get into Heaven.

I do know lots of people who have found great churches to attend and become involved in. They find lots of comfort in going to church and their church is like a family. That’s awesome! I’m very happy for them and honestly sometimes would like to find that too. Unfortunately that just doesn’t exist here in Redneckville.

Seriously though Jesus people, let me watch college football and do my grocery shopping in peace.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

The Best Frozen Pizza in the World

Cheeeeeeeers and Happy Friday Eve to you all…

Now that the United States has very temporarily voted to end all of its governmental silliness, all of you must certainly be ready to relax, sigh a breath of joy, and enjoy a good meal…

A meal which goes uninterrupted by the media shrieks of immature, yet well paid members of Congress, and satisfies you to the debt ceiling of your hunger core.

I am about to help you relax from this political madness by re-introducing you to one of the best, most economical, and most comforting food groups in the world.

The frozen pizza.

Oh sure, go ahead and scoff at the frozen pie, you elitists, you self-proclaimed foodies, and purists of the haute couture culinary scene, but here me now.

Frozen pizza when done right, and adorned with personal creativity, is the most perfect food in the world.  In fact, a well-dressed frozen pizza is like a painting.

Of course, in order to paint a masterpiece, one must begin with the perfect canvas upon which to paint, and the perfect canvas in frozen pizza terms is, Totino’s®.

Totino’s® is well priced, offers an ample size, and the base ingredients are always good.  So, let’s paint some pizza pictures shall we?

Here is my latest…A Totino’s® Classic Pepperoni to which I added additional pepperoni, hot dogs, olives, Swiss cheese, and banana peppers…Here is the uncooked picture...

And the after a nice hot bake...POW!!

One of my faves from earlier this week…

A Totino’s® Hamburger pizza where I added roast beef, pepperoni, and muenster…

And this my friends is the richly delicious post-baked outcome…

Uh-huh.  Awesome.  Here’s one where I added leftover hamburger and kidney bean mix.  It’s pre-cooked pic, but man, it was delicious after being lovingly baked in a 450 degree oven for 11-14 minutes!!

I even have one more idea…One idea that may blow you away.

Do you like anchovies or perhaps fish in general?  Well here is one that I made a couple of months back.

It’s a Totino’s® Combination pizza dressed up in tuna, onions, and cheddar…

I was called a heretic by some on Facebook over that one when I posted pictures of it, but as God as my witness, I did love it so.

I guess the reason that I like Totino’s pizza so much is because it brings out the twelve year old in me. Taking a simple frozen pizza, and “decorating” it in your own style, taste, and personality, is just plain fun.

It reminds me of Friday nights when I was twelve or so…watching the not-so-scary movie of the week with my brother Marty.  He and I lying on the floor, and Mom sitting behind us, as we all watched, and shared a frozen pizza…

A frozen pizza that we, as a team, enhanced with everything that we all liked, whether it was “supposed” to go on a pizza or not.

There have been a lot of books that talk Chicken Soup for the Soul, but as for me?

At the ripe old age of 48, I would title my book, Frozen Pizza for the Soul, because it brings back great memories, and I re-live them today with my best friend, whenever she and I make a frozen pizza together.

Here’s to Totino’s® for being the best frozen pizza in the world!!*

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS
My Facebook Page

*I have in no way, been compensated by the fine folks at Totino's Pizza, however; if they would like to compensate me retroactively through a few free pizzas or something, that would be awesome!!

Jayman's Bucket List

Hola dreamers! Since I’m still sick (I’m doing much better and feel pretty good, thanks for your concern) I don’t feel like do much writing and there really isn’t thing happening anyway.  On Monday I posted a list a dream interviewsfor the show. Today, I’m going to post my Bucket List.

1. Live near or right on the beach.  Preferably a beach side condo, but at really anywhere in a town that is on the beach would be great.

2. Eat a dinner in a really fancy "tie and jacket required" restaurant that is pretty famous.  Something like "Tavern on the Green" or "The Four Seasons."

3. Visit Israel.  I think this would be the most amazing trip ever.

4. Own a muscle car. One that wouldn’t be my every day car, but that I could hop in, roll down the windows, crank up the 80’s metal music and drive really fast around the back roads and have fun with.

5. Visit my family's ancestral home of County Armagh, Ireland.  And County Durham, England where they moved to before moving to the U.S.  And while there meeting some of my distant relatives.

6. Visit Civil War battlefields such as Gettysburg, Vicksburg and Manassas. And WWII battlefields in Europe too.

7. Read every book on the "Most Challenged Book List."

8. Attend an NHL, NFL and EPL game in person.  (I've already attended MLB and NBA games.)

9. Get a media pass to a major sporting event and be allowed to photograph it from field (or court) level.

10. Visit a Nevada brothel.  What? That would be a pretty unique experience!

11. Hike the Grand Canyon.

12. Drive across the country going from town to town in a Van that I can sleep in if I want.  Just seeing the sights and visiting famous places and roadside attractions and meeting people from all walks of life.

13. Anonymously purchase a new fire truck, ambulance or police car for a small town that is in need of one but doesn't have the money.

14. Visit New York City.  Stay in a nice hotel with great amenities, eat at Bobby Flay and Emeril Lagasse's restaurants and see all the sights and visit all the museums.

15. Learn to play either the piano or guitar. Then play on a street corner for donations.

16. Learn Spanish or French.

17. Live in a foreign country. Mexico, the U.K, the Netherlands, France or possibly Thailand. Not permanently, but maybe for a few years.

18.  Get paid to do something really cool and fun like ... IDK .. host an internet radio show maybe. haha

19. Buy my mother a nice condo that she is comfy living in.

20. Live in a house with a yard where I can have a garden and a dog.

21. Help someone build a house.

22. Sit down and have a conversation with a sitting President. Or play President Obama in a game of H.O.R.S.E. (Or even toss a baseball around with Pres Bush or toss a football around with Pres Clinton.)

23. Get something I wrote published and get paid for it. Doesn't really matter what or where or anything like that.

24. Scuba dive in a shark cage with sharks in the water.

25. Meet all of my blogging and twittering buddies.

26. Visit a nude beach.

27. Attend Oktoberfest in Munich.

28. Make a difference in someone's life.

29. Get a tattoo.

30. Spend at least a summer (3 months) living in a mountain cabin with no TV, no internet and no phone (except one for emergencies) just hiking, fishing, taking pictures, reading, writing and thinking.  And maybe going outside and yelling at the top of my lungs every once in a while. 

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Hot Sex is the Secret to Ending the Cold War of the Shutdown

Cheeeeeeeeers, and a Happy Tuesday to ya, Chuckleheads!!

Y’know?

I hate it when I have nothing topical to write about that excites me, but when I am in that type of pattern and just not “feelin’ it”, I try to think of things in general that excite me, make me mad, or more often than not, make me laugh.

I am burned out by the 24/7 news coverage of the Obamacare/Debt Ceiling/Government Shutdown impasse that is raging like an out of control wildfire burning slowly and painfully like an ember at the Millard Fillmore Perpetual Pyre of Obscurity, which of course is still open because it receives no Federal funding and well…doesn't really exist, but anyhoo…

The only redeeming thing about the incessant and repetitive coverage of this latest American political crisis, is the fact that cable news pundits, talk radio hosts, and viewers and callers of, and to, such media venues headline an all-star and Tony Award winning cast in the newest American stage comedy classic…

“Buffoonery, Hypocrisy, and Ideology on Parade!!”

Oy Vey folks!!  What the hell is wrong with these people on TV, Radio, and their audiences?

It’s as though the late Timothy Leary has taken over programming for every damn political TV and Radio show, and at the same time is the host, guest, and caller-in to every damn show!!

It’s cwazy, wacky and it’s making my head spin, making me laugh, and making me feel much better about myself than I ever had, well…other than that one time at Bowling Green State University in 1983 when I had hot post-Homecoming sex with a Republican chick named Ann Barlage. Mmmmmmmmm…

That was some hot bi-partisan sex right there boy!!  See, unlike the ideologues of today, both in the media and the Congress…

We reached across the aisle, agreed to disagree, and then filibustered the hell out of each other until the second Sunday in October sun rose, and while creeping through the blinds, dappled us, and the empty wine bottles, with her golden crepuscular rays that said unto Ann and I…

“Your motions were more than well approved by one and other.  Now go, and sin no more.”

See?

Why is it so hard for Rush Limbaugh to get along with Rachel Maddow?  Why is it so difficult for Sean Hannity to say that Joe Scarborough is not a RINO?

Why in the hell can’t Ted Cruz and Sarah Palin think of Barack Obama and Joe Biden as swell dudes?  And why can’t Rachel, Joe, Barack, and Joe think the same of them!?

Because people…A bitter, monocular, and turgid ideology is hard to overcome, but the answer is so simple, and that is what makes me laugh about all of this Obamacare/Debt Ceiling/Government Shutdown bullshit.

If like Ann and I, Limbaugh had sex with Maddow.  And Hannity had sex with Scarborough.  And then we made a porn film called, Ted, Sarah, Barack, and Joe, and What Harry Reid Saw, all would be right with the world, and America could move forward.

It’s not that hard, and ideally…Maybe if Joe Scarborough plays his cards right, he could have sex with Sean; Sean could get divorced as well, and Joe could make Hannity his third wife.

But…baby steps…Let’s just get America back onto the road to recovery for now, and think about the Irish nuptials later.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page