Holaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa shoppers! If you listen to IWS Radio, and you damn well better be, you heard short discussion about grocery shopping during last Sunday’s Sexy Sexting Show. So, I thought that today would be a good day to give everyone a few tips on grocery shopping the Jayman Way.
Shower and Look Acceptable: A lot of people don’t bother showering or making themselves presentable when they go to the store. This is a mistake. Everyone you’ve ever known in your life will be there if you show up stinky and wearing your twenty-eight year old ripped up senior high t-shirt. It’s also possible that a cute little red head in nursing scrubs will also be there and you might get to take your chance at love just like Bobby Kraft was telling us all about on the Summer of Love show a couple of weeks ago. Worst of all, you just know the paparazzi will be hanging out in the parking lot to get pics of you. Menu: The best way to do grocery shopping is to know what you’re gonna need. The only way to know what you’re gonna need is to make a menu for the week. You know like baked chicken, mac & cheese and rolls on Monday, pork chops, baked beans and broccoli on Tuesday and on for the rest of the week. Same goes for breakfast and lunches. This way you know what to put on your …
List!! You can’t go grocery shopping without a list! The best way to make out the list is to think about the layout of the store you’re going to and make the list follow the layout. That last thing you want to do is keep going back and forth from one end of the store to the other looking for shit. The list keeps you from doing something crazy like trying to make up your menu for the week in your head. It’s all about efficiency. Most importantly, the list keeps you from just wandering the isles looking for stuff that looks good and you end up with a full cart and a blown grocery budget.
Multiple Stores: Speaking of grocery budgets, us regular everyday folks who can’t afford to shop at Whole Foods and get all organic everything sometimes have to go to two different stores to get what we need at the right prices. You know, like maybe go to Aldi to get boxed and canned items, sliced mild cheddar, frozen chicken tenders, paper items and shit like that. If you don’t have an Aldi, then Walmart it is I guess. Then you have to go to a real store like Hudson’s Supermarket AKA: The People Pleasing Place to get your fresh produce and quality meats.
Salmonella’s no Joke Man: The most important part of grocery shopping is to make sure that cold items don’t get too warm and nobody dies because you don’t know how to handle your meat. First, you have to keep your raw chicken away from other items. The chicken should be wrapped in a plastic bag in your cart in case it leaks nasty raw chicken juice of death. Also, be sure to get your milk and frozen items LAST!Once you get to the car, depending on how hot and humid it is during the dog days of summer you should put the milk and the meats in a cooler. If there’s room, some of the frozen stuff like ice cream should go in the cooler too. This way you don’t risk anything going bad or melting and you don't kill anyone. It’s a win-win situation. If you want, you can always take more than one cooler and put ALLLLL of your cold items in a cooler. That might be a bit extreme, but you can never be too careful.
There are always some exceptions. If you happen to be at the store when they’ve got a big box of sausage patties for half price or maybe four 12-packs of Pepsi for $10, or bun length hot dogs for a buck or something like that, you gotta take advantage that shit. Otherwise, those are basically the rules. Happy shopping kids and let’s be careful out there.
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