Headlines, Get Your Headlines Here!!

Every time I have trouble of thinking of a topic on which to write, I always think of how Jayman writes funny headlines once in awhile.  I have threatened to do so myself in the past, and today as I had no grist in my mill last night, I offer these headlines that I would like to see…

Local Man in Ebola Video Goes Viral

Lee Majors To Reprise Role in New Warner Bros. Pic, The 1.6 Billion Dollar Man: Adjusted For Inflation

Merger Between Cialis and Viagra Produces World’s First Eight Hour Erection

Brussel Sprouts Enjoyed By Local First Grader

Liquor Store Owner Shoots Wild Turkey

The Words Virgin Mary Spontaneously Appear in Bowl of Alphabet Soup

MSNBC’s Ronan Farrow Daily Finally Garners First Viewer

ISIS Informant Reportedly Totally Hacked Off

A Clean And Sober Rob Ford To Run For Mayor of Gary, Indiana

Sierra Leone Renames Capital City To Stenchville

Dick Morris Predicts That The Next Pope Will Be a Presbyterian

Political Pundit Dick Morris Gunned Down By Drunken Catholic League President Bill Donohue

By Unanimous Vote, The U.S. House and Senate Agree To Outsource Their Legislative Duties

And lastly…

Trick-or-Treat Cancelled Due To Christmas Preparations

There ya have it…All the news that fits.  Enjoy your Tuesday and hey…let’s be careful out there, lest we become a headline ourselves.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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Here's Why Everyone is So Angry

Hola y’all! It seems like almost everyone is just wandering around being grumpy all the time these days. We’re all in a bad mood and we’re taking it out on each other. But, WHY are we in such a bad mood all the time lately? Well …

We have to constantly worry that the guy standing in line in front of us at Walmart who can’t stop hacking and coughing might give us some nasty virus like Ebola. Oh sure, government officials keep telling us how hard it is to contract Ebola, but THE MOST TRUSTED NAME IN NEWS might beg to differ:

Not only are we worried that we or our family and friends could catch something nasty we are also worried that our computers, tablets and mobile devices could too:

Because of that we find ourselves looking for a distraction. Maybe a distraction like Canadian tennis superstar Eugenie Bouchard in a bikini, eh?

Of course that kind of distraction leads us to engage in other no-so-wholesome activities:

But, halfway through that activity a little voice in our heads reminds us of something that ruins the mood:

So now we know that when we reach the Pearly Gates we’re gonna be asked why we were doing THAT and our only answer will be “I don’t know. Boobs.”

We all know how THAT will work out:

So that’s why we walk around town all day with a frown on our faces and are so grumpy all the time:

Damn, it’s enough to drive a man to drink:

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Oddfellas

Well this really was an odd one this week. Entertaingly odd! We were kind of all over the place this week. Not that THAT’S a new thing for us.

- Matt-Man decapitated a skeleton and lost the head.

- A wild and wacky day in college football.

- Happy birthday shout out to the Desert Rat

- Jessie Ferg, C O G, Jamie Mapleleaf, Curtis Blow and a slew of others hung out with us in the chat room.

- IWS Tech Support had to help a little old lady with her computer this week.

- Matt spilled his beer!

- Lonely, angry Matt-Man!

- Jay gave up on his dream of getting married in 2014.

- Amber Rose and Wiz Khalifa are divorcing and Matt is devastated!

- The Great Miracle Whip vs Mayonnaise Debate!

- Whispering Willie is worried about the Ebola Virus

- Guy gave us an update on the democratic protests in Hong Kong

- Our new sponsor: The Pandemic Café

- Paul Piatt celebrated Yom Kippur.

- Matt and Jay are an Odd Couple in several weird, yet complimentary ways.

- Haylie vs Hilary Duff!  

- Jamie Mapleleaf called in to save the day and bring a little charm to the show.

- And so much more! Give it a listen. Please? 

                             

Here's Some Headlines For Your Enjoyment

Holaaaaaaaaaaa! I think it’s time for more headlines, don’t you? Well, okay then …

Local man returns cat to the pet store because the cat doesn’t do anything cute or funny enough to make a video go viral on YouTube.

The U.S. State Department has order 160,000 hazmat suits to be used in case of an Ebola outbreak in the United States. Just enough for every member of the Duggar family.

Baltimore slugger Chris Davis was suspended 25 games after testing positive for PEDs. The league said Davis’ .176 batting average is what made them suspicious.

Neither John McCain nor Lindsay Graham will be on any of the Sunday talk shows as they have run out of countries on Earth for America to invade.

After months of endless strategy sessions trying to figure out how to deal with the popularity of minimum wage ballot measures in Arkansas, republicans have finally settled on a strategy. They’re just going to claim they’re in favor of the initiative and have been all along.

Nancy Pelosi: “Not to alarm anyone or anything, but if the republicans take over the senate it will be the end of civilization as we know it.”

Sarah Palin plans to save her “Sarah Palin Channel” from disappointing subscription numbers by playing the EPIC ALASKAN BRAWL on the channel 24/7.

“Orange is the New Black” creator has also decided that pussy is the new dick.

Ray Rice shows a lot of fight. Says he will appeal indefinite suspension and vows to beat it.

Lindsay Lohan is “determined” to win an Oscar. In related news, Jayman is “determined” to spend a weekend locked in a penthouse suite with Elizabeth Hurley.

Area man says after weeks of doing his best to avoid them, he has now ACCIDENTALLY seen all of the leaked nude pics of Kate Upton and Jennifer Lawrence and feels terrible about it.

Theodore J. Flicker, the man who created “Barney Miller” gives up on trying to outlive Abe Vigoda. He was 84.

Robin Thicke admits to drug addiction and that he didn’t actually write “Blurred Lines.” Actually, nobody will admit to writing “Blurred Lines.”

The Minnesota Vikings have decided to activate Adrian Peterson despite his being indicted on child abuse charges. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell insists he hasn’t seen the pictures of the child’s injuries.

Urban Outfitters apologized for selling offensive Kent State shirts that had blood splatter stains on them. They also agreed to cancel the big order for “Sandy Hook Elementary” sweatshirts they were planning on selling this winter.

Coca-Cola is hoping to create a little 90’s nostalgia by bringing back Surge Cola. Also hoping to bring back 90’s nostalgia …. HILLARY CLINTON!

English golfer Andy Sullivan won a free trip to outer space for scoring a hole in one at the KLM Open over the weekend. Sullivan’s reaction was “what was wrong with just giving away cars like they used to?”

Kanye West stopped his concert in Australia the other night demanding that a man in a wheel chair stand up and dance like everyone else. After the show he asked a kid with no arms if he’d like to play catch. Then he challenged a man with one leg to a butt kicking contest. Then he told a blind man “I bet you’re really good at playing ‘Marco Polo.’” Then he was heard screaming “I SAID THANKS FOR COMING TO MY FUCKING SHOW! AREN’T YOU LISTENING? HOW ‘BOUT A FUCKING YOU’RE WELCOME?” to a deaf lady.

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Ebola Hemorrhagic Virus: IWS Person of the Week!

We're doing something a little different for Person of the Week this week. Since nobody has really done anything this week, we're going to name the Ebola Hemorrhagic Virus our "Person" of the Week.

As you probably know Dr. Kent Brantly and Nancy Writebol are the first Americans infected with the virus to be brought back to the US for treatment. "Patient Zero and Patient One" if this was a movie. They were brought back in this fancy plane.

And they got to use this sweet isolation tent.

They will be staying in VERY private rooms and won't have to worry about constant visitors.

So welcome to Georgia Kent and Nancy!  Best of luck to you and get better fast!

And congrats to the Ebola Hemorrhagic Virus for being named the IWS "Person" of the Week!

Be sure to tune into a very special "Good, Decent, Wholesome Family Fun Show" on IWS Radio today at 12 Noon ET!! This will be the most family friendly show we've ever done. Probably. Kinda.