Ted Cruz is a Canadian, but His Citizenship Can be Bought

Greetings my American friends, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper here for I’m With Stupid.

I am humbly honored to have been permitted by Jay and Matt to use their mildly popular and nearly worldwide forum so that I may pontificate calmly comment upon an almost serious matter that slightly concerns both of our above average nations.

As I, like my fellow Canadians, am a polite and mild-mannered person, I have ambivalent emotions about publicly writing on what I am about to say, but…

As this is an issue of tepid importance, I feel that I must.  I mean, if that’s okay with you guys.  If it is not, please turn away now and perhaps click onto the gentle and heartfelt reflections of IWS’ very own Paul Piatt.

It seems that U.S. Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) was born within the confines of our neatly, yet not at all ostentatious borders to a Cuban father and American mother.  While some in our country would consider him to be of, dare I say, rascally lineage, Sen. Cruz while an American, does have the official status of being a Canadian citizen as well.

Now as many of you Americans know, Sen. Cruz has his Cuban/Canadian eyes on running for President in 2016, so Mr. Cruz has stated gleefully (which is an adjective that Canadians are unaccustomed to) that in order to show his oneness of patriotism to America, he would renounce his Canadian citizenship.

While to us Canadians, that could be taken as a gentle slap to our collective cheek, we as Canadians, are all about and accepting of, individuality and the personal space and thoughts of others.

So, out of respect for Sen. Ted Cruz, his selfish ambitions, and his dislike for Canada, he is free to come to Canada, or any Canadian embassy, fill out the legal citizenship renunciation form, and pay the $100 fee.

However…

While we Canadians don’t like to rock the boat nor curry favors from others...in this case?  I am going to have to put some caveats on his renunciation prior to it going forward.

You see?

The Democrats in America know that Cruz has two, maybe three citizenships, and because of that, even the most tannin of tea partiers will not vote for him in the primaries.  However, Democrats would like nothing more than to see an unelectable Ted Cruz get the Republican nomination in 2016.

If the Democrats and the Obama administration want us to allow him to renounce his citizenship so that it bolsters his bona fides among Republican primary voters, we want a little sumpin sumpin in return before allowing him to step foot into our country or into one of our embassies in order to fill out the legal and requisite paperwork.

Here are but a few items that we are demanding, and they must be done by September 1…

In any and all official U.S. government documents we want to be referred to as, Exciting and Exotic Canada.

Just for Canadians, we want you to devalue your currency so that more Canadians are able to visit your strip clubs, steal your license plates, and pee on your front lawns.

We want an airtight dome installed over Detroit so that our citizens in Windsor don’t have to suffer from the stench and the heartache emanating from the Motorless City.

We will, by Parliamentary voice vote, revoke the Canadian citizenship of Justin Bieber, and grant him American citizenship, and you must honor it.

Your Congress will by proclamation in perpetuity, make September 1st, National When Canada Influenced the United States and Made Ted Cruz Its Bitch Day.

On American FM radio stations between 6 and 9 PM on Fridays, only songs by Rush and Triumph are allowed to be played.

That motherfuckin’ Ted Cruz is a crazy insane bastard, but to me and my fellow Canadians, he’s gold.

So let’s see some bling, America…The curling stone of renunciation is on your ice.

Sincerely,

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page 

Facebook is Worried About My Social Life

Holaaaaaaaaaa friends and lovers and all the lonely people out there tonight. I’ve been noticing a trend on Facebook lately. No, not all the bitching, bragging, winning, cheap shots, lame jokes and angry status updates people are posting. Those are a given. No, I’ve noticed that Facebook is worried about me. It seems as though Facebook is worried that I’m lonely and wants to help me out.

It all started out innocently enough. Facebook thought maybe I would like to join a singles site called Zoosk. They just wanted to let me know that I don’t have to be alone. Very sweet of Facebook.

After I didn’t respond to Facebook’s offer, they decided to get a little more specific for me. Next came the Christian Singles …

I have nothing against Christians, hell I am one, but let’s just say my views are a little more moderate than what I suspect I would find at that site. Besides, I’m not a raging racist and don’t hate gay people so I think I would have a hard time finding a match.

So, Facebook gave up on that and things took a strange turn. The next item on the Love Menu was Young Women Looking for Older Men! Whoa! That escalated quickly!

While I found this to be funny, I was still not tempted to dive into the online personals world. Also, that was a little unseemly. Facebook was not to be deterred however because they clearly did their homework and hit me with something they knew I wouldn’t be able to resist ….

Okay, so they finally had my attention, but I still wasn’t sure if it would be a good idea. I would have to come up with a personal bio to post and then put together an action plan for what to do after meeting a girl online. Not to worry though, Facebook thought of that too …

Okay, flowers are always a good idea. Girls always love flowers and when you pick her up for a date giving her flowers gets things off to a nice start. Of course, I have another problem …

Right! Gotta look good for that date right! But, there’s still another problem. I’m not much on going out. I prefer a more laid back casual evening …

There we go! Dinner and a movie at home! Damn Facebook! You’ve got my whole social life all planned out! Way to go and thanks!

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Our Anniversary is Coming Up and Gifts are Encouraged!!

Cheers, and how is everyone today? Well I hope, and anyhoo…

Y’know folks?

This past Sunday on the IWS Radio Show which featured bad poetry and Mexican-Americans who get turned on by chicks who can sound like a man, Jayman and I put on one helluva two hour internet radio show.

Some of the hilarity and professional type radio brilliance came from Jayman and I; however, much of it came from our hardworking IWS Radio team.

People such as…

Bobby Kraft…Guy Ahnyurdyck…Dixie Ozark…Slyder Balzcock…Kirk Douglas…Paul Piatt, and of course, the man with no first name…Rev. Moneymaker.

But of course, what made the show a success were the guests in the chat room, and the caller-inners.

People such as…

The Lady Killer, Jesse Ferg…The Bryon with a Y lovin’, Nurse Sherri…Our newest American Luis, and his hilarious wife Michelle…A fun-loving, non-gay man from Northern California, one Brown Beasely…and of course…

That North of the Border Hot Mess of Disorder, the uber-lovely Canadian, Jamie…who was listening from her bed, and as far as Jay and I could tell and/or imagined, she was naked while doing so.

Yeah that’s great and all that Matt-Man, but what is your point?

My point is…

While I enjoy doing the show every Sunday with Jayman, yesterday I had FUN doing the show because we had great callers, great chat room guests, and THAT, is a recipe for fun, and I am sure that Jayman feels the same way.

Jayman and I can do a show and banter quasi-wittingly amongst ourselves for 120 minutes, but it is always more fun when people chime in.

You see?  If people don’t chime in during our show, it poses the age-old question.

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around, does it make a noise?  Likewise…

If Jay and I do a radio show, and nobody joins in, was the only noise created, that of our own voices?  Yes!! And really?  Who wants that?

Nobody.  Not even Tiffany Dupont nor a falling tree in a forest that makes no sound…or something, but anyhoo…

So folks, at long last, here is my point.

This Sunday, August 25th from Noon-2 PM ET on IWS Radio, Jayman and I will be celebrating the end of our third season on Blog Talk Radio, and we’d like your help.

We want you to help us fill the chat room.  We want anyone and everyone to call-in; we’d like you to record and send to us your words of encouragement or disdain, and we want to have one helluva send off to season number three of IWS Radio.

Help a couple of bruthas out, as we celebrate season three and look forward to season four, but…

Just don’t sound like Schmoop when doing so, because as she said to me early Sunday morning…

“Oh Dear God!!  There’s Going to be a Season Four!!?”

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Bad Backs, Bad Poetry and Weed

Well I tweaked my back once again. It’s nothing major just an annoying stiffness and minor pain. I can get around fine as long as I alternate between standing, sitting and lying down.

While I was lying on my bed this afternoon I suddenly realized something. I don’t have any access to drugs. Like some Vicodin or OxyContin or Percocet or any of that good stuff. How the hell did this happen to me? How did I end up in situation where I have NO friends or acquaintances that could just hand me a little baggie and say “Here dude. This will help.” 

When I first injured my back quite badly a few years ago, I had several coworkers who offered to “help me out” with some meds. They would just have their cousins bring some of the “good stuff” up from Mexico when they came to visit for the weekend. I said “no thanks” because I was getting a good supply of Vicodin and muscle relaxants from the quacks doctors at the downtown San Antonio clinic that my insurance thought I should share with all the pregnant teenagers, homeless people and hookers.

A few people were pretty sure that all I needed to do was to begin smoking weed. The third shift supervisor was the first person to tell me all about how he hurt his back years earlier and the only thing that made it all better was the hippie lettuce.

I wasn’t all that surprised by the dude, he had a wallet with a marijuana leaf on it. But, the sweet little Vietnamese lady did surprise me when she offered to share some of her stash with me. She was pretty much the last person in the whole building that I would have suspected to be a pot head. And here I thought she was just naturally funny.

And there were SEVERAL people who told me that all I needed to do was to get some Holy Water and rub that on my back and it would be cured. I wasn’t sure how to acquire this magical clear, watery substance. I figured getting a hold of this stuff wasn’t as risky as trying to buy some OxyContin or something. Turns out I was wrong. You actually have to go to a Catholic Church to get it. I guess they sell it in the gift shop?

So I checked online and found that I can buy three bottles of Jordan River Holy Water for only $32.97.

Holy shit! That stuff is expensive. I think pot is cheaper than that.

After a little more searching I found that I could get it a little cheaper at Discount Catholic Products. I don’t know why I find that funny, but I do. If someone shows up at mass with a discount crucifix that they bought online and not in the church gift shop, will he or she be looked down upon? Is discount Holy Water kind of like buy “Always Save” canned veggies? Does God care if you paid full price or not? Probably not, but I do wonder if he has any rules against Methodists using holy water? He’s been known to be kind of picky.  

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

In case you missed it Sunday’s Bad Poetry Show on IWS Radio was EPIC! Lots of awesomely bad poetry from correspondents and others PLUS calls from Brown Beasely, Nurse Sherri and our favorite Canadian Jamie!! Aaaaaaaaand the newest American Luis the Ice Man and Mrs. Luis came on the show too! You gotta check this one out … 

More Comedy Podcasts at Blog Talk Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

IWS Person of the Week...Luis Guerrero

Cheers and Hola Mi Amigos, it's time for the IWS Person of the Week...

"Hopping the fence or wading the Rio Grande River isn't part of America's immigration process."

--Ted Nugent (R-Draft Dodger Universe)

“We could also electrify this wire (on the border) with the kind of current that would not kill somebody, but it would simply be a discouragement for them to be fooling around with it. We do that with livestock all the time.”

Rep. Steve King (R-IA)

"Do you know the rate of military enlistment among Hispanics is higher than any demographic in this country?"

--Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX)

Than what the hell is your reason, Mr. Cruz and Mr. King, for stalling immigration of "livestock" type folks who want to help defend this country and contribute??

Our friend Luis has this week, proven that immigration, whether initially an illegal thing or not, is a good thing.

And Luis is now officially an American citizen.  Which means two things to us here at IWS Radio.

We are incredibly proud of him, and now we know that he will be around forever in order that we can secretly put signs on the back of his ice truck as he unknowingly pulls away!!  

And if that right there isn't funny enough for ya, tune into IWS Radio today from Noon-2 PM ET as Jay and Matt celebrate National Bad Poetry Day!!  

Many of our correspondents have their poems ready for you and we will talk to, Party Marty Live from Chicago, Nurse Sherri with a polemics offering, and of course, the Man of the Hour, or in this case, the Week...Luis!!

You can catch us LIVE today from Noon-PM by clicking HERE!!

Matt Said Jay Said 7-5-7

Matt rhymes, Jay free verses, You just don’t get it.

Matt: I’m here you big stud!
Jay: You got me anytime you want me big boy!
Matt: Who you calling “boy” bud?
Jay: YOU!
Matt: I’m a grown-ass man.
Jay: You don’t act like.
Matt: That’s not the point!
Jay: Oh, okay.
Matt: Like you’re “Mr. Mature!”
Jay: That’s a great nickname for me.
Matt: Or maybe “Mr. NOT Mature”
Jay: Pffffffffffffftttttt!
Matt: See!
Jay: Oh hey!
Matt: What?
Jay: Bryan Fischer says Obama was photoshopped into the Situation Room Photo
Matt: Oh I know! What a moron.
Jay: RIGHT? You can’t trust people who spell Bryan with a “Y.”
Matt: Nooooo Nor people who add a superfluous “C” to Fisher.
Jay: Exactly. Can’t believe the cable channels haven’t called us on this one.
Matt: I know! We were there so we know Obama was in the room…

Jay: Just another example of us not getting our due.
Matt: All I get is “payment due!”
Jay: Hey-OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Matt: My pain fuels my humor.
Jay: That it does.
Matt: Happy people are never funny.
Jay: No, they’re too busy bragging about how happy they are.
Matt: So damn boring.
Jay: IKR? All that cheeriness gets old fast.
Matt: And, they can’t be great comedians, writers or poets if they’re happy.
Jay: Exactly! Nothing to push the creativity out of them.
Matt: Just happy little boring blobs is all they are.
Jay: Well, they can be potaters.
Matt: What are potaters?
Jay: Bad poets who think they’re good.
Matt: Do you know any potaters?
Jay: Jewel
Matt: Ohhhhh yeahhhhhhhh!

Matt: Speaking of bad poetry …
Jay: And we were
Matt: Sunday is National Bad Poetry Day!
Jay: Well then!
Matt: Right??!!
Jay: All of our correspondents can record some poetry
Matt: It’ll be a beautiful thing.
Jay: And maybe some Tumbr poetry
Matt: And Facebook poetry
Jay: This is gonna be awesome!
Matt: And you know what else?
Jay: There’s MORE?!
Matt: Luis the Ice Man took the Oath and is an American!
Jay: He’s got to come on the show then.
Matt: He will!
Jay: Awesome!!!
Matt: Oh this is gonna be HUGE!
Jay: What a monster show!
Matt: I can’t wait!
Jay: Me either!

Be sure to catch “Bad Poetry in Motion” on IWS Radio Sunday at 12 Noon ET!!! 

Luis Guerrero is the Statue of Liberty!!

Hola…I mean...Hello.

Luis Guerrero here, and I want to say something.

Thank you America for welcoming me into your somewhat warm and embracing, yet sometimes cold and snowy country, which I hate.

The snow and the cold that is, not the country.

After several years of working hard, paying taxes, receiving no benefits, and living on a prayer and a Green Card, I took my citizenship test in July, had my citizen induction ceremony yesterday, and am now proud ‘Merican.

I know right?

You thought I simply tried to escape the hunger and empty dinner table of Mexico, by traversing hundreds of mile of desert, and all the while evading Border Patrol Agents and ne’er do wells, in order to simply come here to rape your pearly white daughters, illegally siphon off of your unending stream of goodwill, and raise the political capital of one Canadian-Born Cuban, U.S. Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX).

But no…This is not the case.

You see?

I came to ‘Merica to escape the poverty of my land…to realize that I can work and gain reward…to know that I don’t have to look over my back to see if a pissed off drug cartel guy, with gun in hand, is looking at me “funny.”

I came to marry a lady and have a happy, not so worried and not so hungry life with kids, cookouts, and parties once in awhile.

I came here as a hard worker who just wanted an opportunity.  ‘Merica is all about that, and she has given me my opportunity, and I will not let her down, because I won’t let myself or my family down, but let me tell you…

Now that I am ‘Merican, I have put in for a two weeks vacation.  As an ice delivery guy, I may or may not get to your place of business on time, and…

There will be a ten minute break between every ten ice bags I put into your cooler.  The new helper, with far less seniority, demands it.  And really? Who am I to judge?

Drive-By Mikey and Matt-Man may make fun of my new, slower process to filling their Ice Machine, but that’s because they we’re born with silver Ice Machines in their mouths, and I?

I was born with the deadly taste of the Chupacabra within my thirsty and hungry mouth.

I had to cross a desert twice and put up with INS for ten years in order to fill the Beer Mine's goddamn ice machine.

If either of those bastards had to walk a mile in my shoes, you know what they would say?

“Ewwwww, ouch, ouch, the hot desert sands of death are too much for my fragile feet.  I guess I’ll just live here in a life of squalor and crime.”

Coños!!  Er sorry…Pussies!!

Sorry…Sorry…I get off course.  Here’s the deal.

After ten years of paying my dues, and paying my taxes, I am ‘Merican.  I am not stealing your job or your hope.  I am living the life of a guy who loves his wife, his kids, and the chance of a better life here in ‘Merica.

And…Now that I am a true ‘Merican and have official seniority, it would be sweet if my route was changed, and I would no longer have to deliver ice to Mike and Matt again.

¡Adiós!  And God Bless 'Merica!!

Luis Guerrero…’Merican

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
Matt’s Facebook Page