Big Ten Football Preview 2013...OH-IO!!

Are you ready for some football, America!!?

Hiya my fellow college football fans….

Tank Patterson (B.S. Agri-Business, THE Ohio State University ‘77) here for IWS.

Now yesterday, Jayman posted a preview of the upcoming 2013 SEC Football season, and upon reading it, I said to myself…

“Tank?  You should preview the upcoming 2013 football season for the only NCAA Football conference that matters, that being the Big Ten Conference.”

So…Here I am.  Tank Patterson, 1977 graduate of THE Ohio State University.  So, here goes, in order of where each team will finish…

Leaders Division

THE Ohio State University:  If Braxton Miller can stay out of trouble, and our beloved Buckeyes can dodge the early landmines of such high powered teams such as Buffalo, San Diego St., Cal, and Florida A&M, we will be prepared to run through our conference schedule like a combine through a drought stricken corn field.

Wisconsin:  The Badgers come to OUR house this year.  Prepare to see a lot of people wearing scarlet and red that game…the red being the blood of 22 Wisconsin Badgers lying dead on the sacred turf of OUR house!!

Penn State:  They come to Columbus on October 26th.  That’s pretty close to Halloween, so hide the kids. Those perverts will be offering candy to all of the precious little kids in OUR city.

Purdue:  Ooooooooo, Purdue…Oooooooo, we’re so scared of you, Purdue.  Kicking your ass in Ross-Ade Stadium this year would be a great memory except for the fact that I, my wife, and my family have to spend the night in West Lafayette, IN. in order to watch it happen.

Indiana:  Seriously?  Why do you guys even bother?  You are barely a basketball school anymore.

Illinois:  We go on the road for the second week in a row to play you after Purdue.  Looking for an upset of us?  Perhaps you and the Fighting Illini’ tribe would be better served by making reservations for a scalping!!

Legends Divison

Nebraska:  Remember when you guys were feared? Remember Tom Osborne?  Remember when you joined the Big Ten and much to your chagrin found out that even Ohio has a more moderate winter climate than yours?  Take That!! Cornsuckers!!

The Team That Must Not Be Mentioned:  What do you call a Wolverine football player with a National Championship ring?  A Thief!!

Northwestern:  Hey Smarty Pants, we play you in the “jewel of the Midwest” Evanston, IL. on October 5th…Are you going to trick us by running counter-intuitive plays, or perhaps try to stifle our offense with your defensive mind meld antics?  Your SAT score doesn’t trump the scoreboard on the field.

Michigan State:  Ha…Every year, “people in the know” say that this is YOUR year Sparty…Hell, we’re going to beat you 42-0 this year, and we don’t even play you!!

Minnesota:  The Golden Gophers are rebuilding and revitalizing their program this year, which means they may actually win a game or two…or not.

Iowa:  Kirk Ferentz is quite the head coach.  I know Ferentz is an Iowa grad, but man, he has the IQ of a Northwestern grad, because anyone with his dismal record who can still retain his job, is fucking brilliant!!

See you on October 19th, Kirk…unless the IU administration comes to their senses.

So there you have it folks…a fair and balanced break down and preview of the 2013 Big Ten Football Season.

Here’s to the upcoming college football season, and to Jay and Matt, and here’s to THE Ohio State University.  The best of the best.

OH-IO!!

Tank Patterson

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
Matt’s Facebook Page

SEC Football Preview 2013

Hola again football fans! My NFL Preview was such a smashing success (kinda, not really) that I decided to expand my previewing analysis skills to college football. No, I’m not gonna preview all 100-plus big-time college football teams. I’m going to preview the only teams that matter. So, here’s your 2013 Southeastern Conference Football Preview!

SEC West:

Alabama: Pfffffffft, these guys suck. The players mostly look just like the fans.

Arkansas: The absolute, unchallenged class of the SEC. Only the highest quality human beings play on the team and they always play the game the way it was meant to be played. They play hard, practice harder and study the hardest. They are the epitome of Student-Athletes and the very definition of gentlemen.

Auburn: The cheatingest, dirtiest, low-downest scum-buckets in any division of any conference in any sport on any level. Fuck those guys.

LSU: Why do both LSU and the New Orleans Saints use the “WHO DAT??!!” chant? Because it applies to all of South Louisiana. All over the bayou folks have for decades said things like “Who dat breaking into my house?” and “Who dat with the gun about to rob me on the street” and “Who dat that got killed walking to church last night for $3?” and … well, you get the idea.

Mississippi State: THOSE GAWD-DAMMED COWBELLS! OMG! Most of the players can even spell Mississippi.

Ole Miss: If you can’t get into Mississippi State then you’re only other options is Ole Miss, a drinking school with a football problem.

Texas A&M: What’s the difference between an Aggie and a carp? One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish. Hey-OOOOOOOOOOO

SEC (L)East:

Florida: The only school with more player arrests each week than points scored. Aaron Hernandez and Riley Cooper are their most distinguished alumni.

Georgia: The team and fans suffer from the least deserved superiority complex in the entire country.

Kentucky: I don’t really have anything against the Mildcats cause they’re not good enough to really worry about. Besides, they already have a basketball program so dirty it makes Auburn fans gasp, it wouldn’t be fair to have a good football program too.

Missouri: So stupid they think Missouri really IS in the southeastern part of the country. Also, Columbia has the greatest concentration of people who can’t figure out how to use “there,” “their” and “they’re” correctly in the entire country.

South Carolina: Their only redeeming quality is being named the “Gamecocks” so everyone can just refer to them as the “Cocks.” Heh…Heh…Huh…Huh …. “Cocks”

Tennessee: Their offensive line …

Vanderbilt: Rich, stuck-up, over-privileged, condescending, Duke wannabes. Nobody likes you guys.  

So there you go y’all! An expert analysis of the greatest football conference in the history of the world.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook.com/Jayman68
@Jayman_IWS

Sean Hannity Interviews Sydney Leathers. The Porn Was a Flyin'!!

Cheeeeeeers and Happy Anniversary to two of the greatest people that I have, or ever will know.

My mom and dad.

That’s right.

On August 6, 1945...my future mom and dad, got married.

While hundreds of thousands of Japanese were being spontaneously turned into yellowish, irradiated Cream of Corn soup by the inaugural A-Bomb, Jack and Mary Anne Mahoney were whooping it up, and by night fall, were already working on the first of nine beautiful babies.

So, although they both have been half-lifed up to that great, plutonium-type silo in the sky, here’s wishing Jack and Mary Anne a wonderful 68th wedding anniversary!!

Typically, I am not big on anniversaries.  I think anniversaries are somewhat silly, because I tend to remember a happy event, or one that causes myself or the collective us to pause in a sad sense throughout the year randomly and spontaneously.

Birthdays, Arbor Day, 4th of July, and the day that Martin Luther King, Jr. was shot, are all observed as anniversaries and/or holidays, and yet…

While I may rejoice, and/or reflect for a moment on said days like those, I really don’t, nor never have observed holidays…until now…

You see?

In addition to today being my mom and dad’s wedding anniversary, August 6, 2013 is the fifth day anniversary of Sean Hannity interviewing, soothing, feeling sorry for, and broadcasting his admiration for, Weinergate temptress Sydney Leathers, during the 4 PM hour of his August 1st edition of his radio show.

I will mark this anniversary down as the one of the greatest moments in comedic history.

It seems as though fate would have it, today it was revealed that one, brow beaten, victimized by Anthony Weiner, Sydney Leathers…is less than intimidated by getting naked for the camera!!



I know!!  I was in disbelief myself, right!!?

I was in disbelief for two reasons…First, she seemed like such a stand-up girl who was sadly coerced into having an online love affair with Anthony Weiner, so I wondered…why would she exploit such a sad affair?

Secondly?

Why would any chick with smaller tits than Phil Mickelson and bigger thighs than Tony Siragusa allow herself to be filmed in the buff!?

Uuch!!  Makes no sense.  No sense at all.

Anyhoo…

Last Thursday, Sean “I’m a Devout Catholic Who Refuses to Wear His Wedding Ring” Hannity had her on his radio show, and he was feigning OUTRAGE by the behavior of Anthony Weiner all the while cooing, cajoling, and sympathizing with the “victim”, one Ms. Leathers.

Ha…Sean is such a dick.

But that’s okay, because a dick such as Sean Hannity interviewing a victimized soft porn star like Sydney Leathers makes perfect sense.

Got to hand it to Hannity…He knows good radio!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

2013 NFL Team Previews

Holaaaaaaaaaaaaa football fans! As I write (okay, type) this the NFL Hall of Fame game is being played between Dallas and Miami. Yes, it is almost time for football again. We’ll get few preseason games, then opening weekend of college football where I watch football from 11 am until around 12 midnight and refuse to apologize for it and then it will be NFL season again. I know you’re probably wondering who is going to be good and who is going to suck this season. Well, wonder no more cause I’m here to expertly break down every single team in the league for you.

NFC South:

Atlanta Falcons: OVER-RATED *CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP* OVER-RATED

Carolina Panthers: Could either be much better or still sucky.

New Orleans Saints: WHO DAT?! My #1 Team. Great offense. Shitty Defense.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Probably shitty, but awesome cheerleaders…

AFC South:

Houston Texans: My #2 Team. Solid, but can’t quite get it done.

Indianapolis Colts: Insufferable.

Jacksonville Jaguars: They fucking suck.

Tennessee Titans: Not bad, but nobody cares much about them.

AFC North:

Baltimore Ravens: Very good but probably won’t repeat.

Cincinnati Bengals: Not too bad w/ Ginger Ninja at QB

Cleveland Browns: Poor Cleveland. They deserve so much better.

Pittsburgh Steelers: 8-8 team that gets enough weirdly great calls from refs to win 10.

NFC North:

Chicago Bears: OVER-RATED *CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP* OVER-RATED

Detroit Lions: You think the city is a disaster, get a load of these guys.

Green Bay Packers: Underachievers led by Aaron Rogers who is a shitty teammate.

Minnesota Vikings: As average, boring and predictable as the NFL itself.

NFC East:

Dallas Cowboys: They're actually pretty good, but ... Romo.

NY Football Giants: Who knows? Probably good.

Philadelphia Eagles: Might be exciting but probably suck.

Washington Racial Slurs: I will watch RG3 every week.

AFC East:

Buffalo: I’m so sorry y’all. Another city that deserves better. Or do they?

Miami Dolphis: Slightly better than averagely shitty.

New England Patriots: Trending downward.

New York Jets: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

AFC West:

Denver Broncos: Good but Manning will fuck it up again somehow.

Kansas City Chiefs: Fuck ‘em.

Oakland Raiders: Combined IQ of all players = 72

San Diego Chargers: Who cares when you have cheerleaders like these…

NFC West:

Arizona Cardinals: Are they still in the league?

San Francisco 49ers: Best team in the NFL. Crazy good.

Seattle Seahawks: Very good team. Fans are HUGE whiners though.

St. Louis Rams: The usual shit.

So there you go folks. You won’t get this level of NFL team analysis anywhere else. Time to head to Vegas cause you know everything you need about each team now. You’re welcome.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook.com/Jayman68
@Jayman_IWS

In other news, we threw a HUGE surprise Birthday Party for President Obama on IWS yesterday. It was a freaking blast too! Lots of people wishing Obama a happy birthday including Kanye West, Lady Ga Ga, John McCain, Thomas Jefferson, John Q Adams and a couple of dozen more! Plus we made many attempts to call important people. Listen to hear how those turned out…

Listen to internet radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

Also, bonus smoking-hot Tamp Cheerleader ...

IWS Person of the Week...Happy Birther Day President Obama

On this date of August 4th, in 1961, unto the world was born a child in Honolulu, Kenya who would later grow up to be a divisive political scalawag, a one-man wrecking crew of capitalism, and most importantly, President of the United States.

His name?

Barack Hussein Obama or as some know him, the 44th President of the United States of America.

That’s right…today is President Barack Obama’s Birthday, and it is only fitting that we at IWS Radio who affectionately refer to him as BO-Dawg, make him our Person of the Week…

Look at that smile, that charm, that…”Devil-May-Care, I was doin’ drugs thirty years ago and yet I became President” grin.

And even though he is now busy trying to keep and/or organize the Free World, and no longer prowling the hipster scene like the party animal that he was, he can still pull off, “cool.”

Yep…today, at the slight majority in the Senate age of 52, Barack Obama is a loyal husband to Michelle, and a doting father to his two girls, but he can still make ladies like Jennifer Hudson swoon…

And that is why, no matter if you like him or not, President Barack Obama can put his feet up on his Presidential desk, smile, and think to himself…

“If I was any cooler; I’d be Shaft.”

So here’s to Birthday Boy Man, President Barack Obama, the IWS Radio Person of the Week.

And in his honor?

I hope all of you join Jay, Matt, and the entire IWS Radio team for a Happy Birther Day Barack Obama extravaganza on IWS Radio from Noon-2 PM ET today on Blog Talk Radio.

Headliners from the world of politics, pop culture, and entertainment will be airing their Birthday wishes, and we will be taking your calls at 661.244.9852.

So listen LIVE, call-in with your birthday wishes, and hang out with Jay and Matt from Noon-2 PM ET on the IWS Radio Show.

You can catch all the hilarity by clicking HERE.

Matt Said, Jay Said 44

Matt blahs, Jay blahs, You sigh.

Matt: Hey
Jay: Hey
Matt: What’s up?
Jay: Nothing much.
Matt: Cool.
Jay: U?
Matt: Same.
Jay: Cool.
Matt: Dinner?
Jay: Chicken, noodles and green beans.
Matt: Yummy.
Jay: U?
Matt: Rally’s
Jay: Nice.
Matt: What kind of green beans?
Jay: French Cut.
Matt: You fancy mofo you!
Jay: Hell yeah! I’m sophisticated.
Matt: I keep forgetting that.
Jay: Well, I don’t like to show off too much.
Matt: Good plan.
Jay: It’s like wearing a fancy suit in Memphis.
Matt: Pretty damn risky.
Jay: Damn right man.
Matt: You are a very careful man.
Jay: Gotta be these days.
Matt: People be crazy, yo!
Jay: True dat.

Jay: Hey, the Sexy Sexting Show is #2!
Matt: That’s hot.
Jay: Did it result in any extra sexting for you?
Matt: Nope.
Jay: That’s too bad.
Matt: U?
Jay: Fuck no.
Matt: Awwwww
Jay: IKNOWRIGHT?!
Matt: Well that wasn’t the purpose of the show.
Jay: Yeah, I kno …. Wait. It wasn’t?
Matt: Noooooooooo! It was to entertain the masses.
Jay: A handful of them at a time.
Matt: Exactly!
Jay: Well then. We were successful!
Matt: Damn right we were!
Jay: That sounds weird.
Matt: What does?
Jay: “We. Were. Successful.”
Matt: Oh wow! It does.

Jay: So this week?
Matt: A surprise birthday party for President Obama!
Jay: Oh that’s brilliant.
Matt: IKR? He needs a pick-me-up anyway.
Jay: Our entire staff can record birthday messages.
Matt: Oh hell yes!
Jay: A Paul Piatt w/ a special birthday poem?
Matt: You know he has some beautiful poems for that.
Jay: Maybe some celebrities will chime in too!
Matt: And former presidents!
Jay: And some world leaders!
Matt: And “what will Obama wish for?” thoughts.
Jay: And presents we and others might give him.
Matt: And birthday party ideas.
Jay: Oh hell yeah!
Matt: Cause for us, life is a party.
Jay: It sure as hell is!
Matt: Sunday is also Coast Guard Day!
Jay: We’re on it!
Matt: And Revolution Day in Burkina Faso!
Jay: The most important day of the year!
Matt: I can’t fucking wait!
Jay: Me either!
Matt: Better start early on all those audios.
Jay: Oh shit. There will be tons of ‘em!
Matt: That’s hot.
Jay: Very.

So, be sure to join our surprise Happy Birther-Day President Obama show on Sunday at 12 Noon ET!!!

Parents Today..? They Suck!!

Cheeeeeers Chuckleheads!!

I have some advice for you, and I have talked about this before…NEVER come through our Drive-Thru, the Beer Mine, without an idea of you want.

And by the same token…

Never go through the Drive-Thru line at Mickey D’s, Wendy’s, or in my case as it was tonight, Rally’s, without a purpose and agenda driven menu in mind.

Rally’s makes burgers, fries, other sandwiches, and ice cream cones,

Their menu, while delicious, is very Spartan-Like.

Why the fuck do some of you have to fuck up the ease and gliding through of Rally’s, by wanting your sandwiches, “special?”

Listen Mom Van/SUV driving soccer mom who has three kids, and a need to get the best deal possible because you can’t afford the Cadillac Escalade that you are in…

Could you please smack your kids, say, “give us five double cheeseburgers“, and then move on?

Noooooo, of course you can’t…

You have to explain to the whiny, high-pitched end of the Drive-Through speaker, that your precious Ashley, and your somber son Bryce, both hate onions, and while Ashley will accept a tomato on her burger, Bryce simply will not!!

Poor Bryce…

And while not afflicted with a peanut allergy, one of Bryce’s future High School buddies is going to kick his ass no later than the tenth grade for holding up their buddy’s car in the Drive-Thru lane, because you have turned him into a self-obsessed weenie who demands that no tomato shall grace his bun.

Where exactly do you fucking people come from?  Oh, I know…

From the United States of uhMEica!!

Why do I say that, you ask? Because many of you people who frequent a Drive-Thru at a fast food joint, or a bank, or someplace like the Beer Mine, are overly self-involved…and lazy.

I have had people come through with kids, and while Mom says that she wants a pack of cigarettes of whatever kind, I have three cars outside waiting all the while she also says…

“My children are deciding what kind of chips that they want.”

First of all, one does not grocery shop in a Drive-Thru, and secondly, your kids should get whatever the hell chips that YOU decide that they should get, and if they don’t like them?

Fuck Em’!!

I know that four year old Crystal and six year old Nathan are very cute, but there are thirsty beer drinking people behind you and your spawn, and that is where we make our money!!

Oh, and by the way, Ms. Mother To Two and Wife To None, I didn’t appreciate that you just complained about our cigarette prices.  Sure..

We are a bit higher than most, but that is because you don’t have to get out of your car.

And really?  Isn’t that a lot of trouble for you; I know how you like the drive-by transaction?  Oh…

Here’s a couple of suckers for the kids; tell them that dinner is on me.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page