Driving The Storm Out

Cheeeeeeers, greetings, and to all of you panic-stricken, wetting your pants, curled up in a fetal position
while crying uncontrollably Marys out there…

Get over it!!  It’s winter in Ohio and believe it or not, sometimes it snows in January.  In fact, snow is such a common event during the month of January in Ohio, that perhaps you should be fucking used to it by now!!

Oh dear Lord…Bagwine, Ohio was in an uproar Monday as the National Weather Service issued a Winter Storm Warning for the area and predicted that as much as…are you sitting down…THREE to FIVE inches of snow may fall between 10 PM last night and Noon today.

Three…to Five…inches…people!!

The NWS may as well have said that eighteen feet of acid-enriched snow formed from atomic heavy water will cascade down upon Bagwine, Ohio cloaking the denizens of our fair city beneath a shroud of death and destruction unseen since the days long ago when the armies of Alexander the Great pummeled and plummeted ninety percent of the known world.

On cue, the fearful folks of Bagwine began storming every grocery, convenience store, gas station, and bank in order to prepare themselves and their out of wedlock livestock before the coming meteorological apocalypse arrives.

Whenever there is a threat of an inch or more of snow ‘round these parts, people think it’s 1847, and unless they make it to Jedidiah’s Dry Goods and Tannery before the snow flies, they will perish just like those poor folks did while trying to navigate Donner’s Pass.

People flip out during a snow event, and even more so…the local news outlets break out the ratings drum and bang on it incessantly, driving their moribund audience down the road to the intersection of where Hysteria Lane meets Bonehead Boulevard.  However…

The local news experts offer their audiences vital and important tips on how to survive the White Death.  Tips such as…

Slow down when driving…Leave a few minutes early…Bring in the elderly and water your pets…and of course my favorite winter storm tip of all…

If you don’t have to go anywhere, stay home.

Y’know? I've been thinking about that tip, and I think that if you have nowhere to go, and yet decide to drive around during a period of moderate snowfall and slick road conditions, you should do just that.

I mean c’mon…

Don’t let the lame stream media control you.  Stand up for yourself, and drive whenever, wherever, and under whatever conditions you choose.

If a mere three-five inches of snow keeps you from driving to somewhere that you didn’t really need to go, the terrorists win.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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So Funny it's Scary

It was yet another spookerific, spookalicious spookination of a Halloween Extravaganza y’all! Or something anyway. We had a good time not getting any calls and celebrating all the things that go bump in the night. Well, other than us cause we bump all night. I have no idea what that mean. Anyway we discussed …

BTR Problems.

Jay had a bug last week.

Could it beeeeeeee ………. SATAN??????

Beer Mine idiocy and a couple from New York up to something nefarious!

Walkin’ through the Drive Through

We moved some good product and made a big sale.

The IWS Players do a dramatic reading of Edith Wharton’s “All Souls”

Canada loses its innocence

Excellent analysis of what makes for good Halloween treats

A few costume ideas

A trip down memory lane to when Warrior Kat and Mrs Mike called in to our FIRST Halloween Extravaganza

A brilliant and hilarious interview of Dracula by our own Joshua!

The Reverend Moneymaker makes his displeasure with Halloween known.

Phil Diller brings his special brand of humor to Halloween

We hold a séance and check in with Tammy Tibbles in the afterlife

And sooooooooooo much more! Listen or SATAN will get you!!! Or something. 


                               

Tomorrow Is Ask A Stupid Question Day!!

September 28, 2014 is a HUGE day. It’s Ask a Stupid Question Day, Good Neighbor Day, and yes kids…even, Rabies Awareness Day!!

Jay and Matt discuss all of the stupid questions ever asked by themselves and others.  Talk about both the best neighbors that they have ever had, and of course, the worst neighbors.  And!! Who doesn’t have a good story to tell about encountering a rabid animal?  Everyone does, including Jay and Matt.

So…Join Jay, Matt, and the hilarious troupe of IWS Radio Players as we, along with you and your phone calls, spend a stupid day along with good neighbors in the IWS Radio community.

We are going to tear this day up, especially if you help us along with your crazy questions, and wacky calls at 661.244.0852.

Did I sound like a third-rate DJ just then?  Damn right I did, and that was a stupid question.  See how easy it is to ask a stupid question?  See?  There’s another one.

So, c’mon folks lets light up the IWS Radio switchboard this Sunday LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET this Sunday with a barrage of stupid questions.

The stupider your question, the more we will love you!!

To catch Jay, Matt, and the hilarious troupe of IWS Radio players this Sunday, click HERE.

Is It Hot Enough For Ya, and Other Stupid Phrases

Cheers and a Happy Tuesday to you all.

After a long and brutal winter, spring/summer is about to break in Bagwine, Ohio, and let me tell you...

While I am looking forward to the warm temps, I am not looking forward to the ensuing, sarcastic, trying to be funny question…

“Hot enough for ya?”

Oh…Dear…God.

Let me tell you now folks; if you are resident of Bagwine and we finally hit the eighties after the testicular shrinking cold winter that we have had, and you ask me if it is hot for me..?

I am going to respond with…

No!!  It can never be hot enough, you know why?  Because prior to this past winter, I only had a three inch dick to begin with, and NOW it’s only an inch and a half long, because I lost half of it to frostbite, you stupid, just wanna talk to talk for no reason dullard.

And now that I think about it, there are a few more sayings, bon mots, and colloquialisms that I want erased from every record, obelisk, and page of mankind which are the following…

First up, this one…

“It is what it is.”

Really Einstein?  If I get run over by a car, are you gonna come to my bedside in the hospital while I am lying drugged up on dilaudid and tell me that my situation. “is what it is?”  Dumb Ass.

“Ya win some; you lose some.”

That is so deep, you Nietzsche fuck…Perhaps you would like to say that to my kids who won’t eat this week because I put my money on the wrong horse this week.

“That’ll happen sometimes.”

I tripped and hurt my knee.  “That’ll happen sometimes.” is your response.   Hello?  Yes I know, because it happened yesterday and it has happened many times before, and I just told you that it did.

“All things happen for a reason.”

Wow…I never knew that Mr./Ms. Descartes…I never realized that the reason that I didn't get laid last night was because I told Schmoop that her ham and potato casserole was good when she was hoping for an “excellent” rating from me.

“I’m in good company when I’m with Stupid.”

On the surface, it’s a sweet phrase, however…Jamie, the one who uttered this phrase has never invited neither Jay nor I to her home.  So you see? Sure, Jamie loves us…over the privacy and the protection of the internet, but…

She refuses to have us as houseguests and keeps us at arm’s length which is kinda hurtful.  But…We still love her.

In all seriousness, (especially excluding my Jamie reference, we love her in spite of the non-invite) please…Hot enough?  All things happen for a reason?  Is it hot enough for ya?  Stop it!!

Ask and/or state these things in a funnier more creative way…Perhaps, when it gets really damn hot, you could say…

"If Ann Coulter would spread her legs more often, we’d have Global Cooling."

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Ohio State Football Fans and All Americans Are Stupid

Cheeeeeeeeers Chuckleheads!!

I hope all of you enjoyed your weekend and that football fans everywhere enjoyed their first full weekend of the 2013 NFL and NCAA football season.

There were a lot of great games, last minutes heroics, but mostly, drunken shenanigans in the name of football, and I appreciate that.

I love this time of year.  It is still summer, but the nights are sometimes cool, and there is of course, the glory and partying associated with football taking place.

This time of year is like Christmas in September and Labor Day in December, and no matter which way you slice it or parse it, those two holidays are analogous…or not.

Anyhoo…

I do have a problem with football fans these days and a problem with football in general.  Want to hear my problems with the sport and/or event that we call football?  No?

Good, and I am anxious to write about it.

Over the past decade, the number of football fans has exploded, but here’s the thing.  Many of these so-called fans, aren’t really football fans.

They are at best sunshine football patriots who enjoy throwing a party, a feeling of belonging, and at faux fandom’s worst…

Get to weave their hard life realities into the game day dialogue about “their team.”

Y’know?  That last one…the “my team thing?”  That drives me crazy!!

I don’t know about you, but here in Ohio, ninety percent of the college football “fans” are Ohio State fans.

And for some odd reason, the ninety-nine percent of OSU fans of whom I speak, have no personal association, connection, nor anything in common with OSU other than they are both located in Ohio, and like those who do attend OSU, the fans can neither read nor write.

I’m not an entirely stupid guy, but one thing I have never understood, is this slobbering, incoherent, live and die, cry if “my team” loses, mindset.  OSU fans that I know are like this, and I am sure that there are many more.

Okay so you went to school there and even if you weren’t on the team you can be an uber fan, but if you didn’t go there and are still a voracious fan, you have issues…issues with which, I am intrigued, but would rather know nothing about.

NFL fans are just as bad, and as they are typically older, it may even be a bit more disturbing…

I am eighty miles from Paul Brown Stadium and three times that distance from Cleveland and yet, on a weekend basis during football season, I will see at least three dozen grown men wearing OSU, Michigan, Notre Dame, Bengals and/or Browns jerseys etc…

And I say to myself…

“Self, why are there jersey wearing adult men and women crying over a loss and celebrating over a win with which they had nothing to do…other than to watch others do it?”

See?  It’s okay to wear a tasteful T-Shirt or what not in order to show some subtle and tasteful support fro a team, but when a grown person wears a jersey, it only exacerbates that abnormal thought in their head that they are part of the team.

So please, stop it.  It’s getting out of hand.

I actually read on Facebook this week a comment from a Steelers fan commenting to one of his friends…

“Don’t talk to me until your team has won five Super Bowls like mine has.”

I am sure….well, I hope he was joking…but it was the, “I am actually on the team” feel in his comment that gave me a case of the goo.

The worse thing is, this fanatic feeling of rooting for and wanting to win, has invaded our psyche, the governing of our nation, and the political discourse that takes place in the media.

Listen to Sean Hannity, Rachel Maddow, The Five, and Chris Matthews on TV for a couple of days, and you’ll find…

They are just like an Ohio State football fan, they don’t care why, or what has to happen to make it so; they just want to win.

Because winning and being like everybody else, and better who they think themselves to be individually, is far more important than due diligence and common sense.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS
My Facebook Page

And why you chew on that bone of sunshine, you can listen to IWS Radio…Jay and I had a masterpiece of a show going yesterday…AND our uber-lovely friend from Canada, Jamie, was so taken with us, she called in TWICE!!