Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Happy New Year 2015 From the Staff and Management of IWS Radio


Another shiny new year in which we can attempt to make ourselves more decent, loving, healthy, and successful human beings, however; with the rate of non-success in those annual endeavors, allow us here at IWS Radio to simply hope that you have a wonderful New Year Day and a less than hurtful 2015.

So, on behalf of…

Jayman:  “Hola Bitches, bring the New Year On!!”

Matt-Man: “It’s a familiar, yet new beginning…Cheers Bitches!!”

Jamie Mapleleaf:  “It’s 2015, let’s celebrate, you hosers…eh?”

Schmoop:  “2015? Whatever.”

Paul Piatt:  “Have an effusive and ebullient New Year.”

Bobby Kraft:  “Hey everybody…I hope that 2015 works out for ya.”

Slyder Balzcock:  “To make the most of 2015...you stay right there.”

Drew Peacock:  “Awwwwwwwww yeah…Make 2015 the sexiest year ever baby.  Uh-huuhhhhhh.”

Chris Hayes:  “2015 is angry man; it’s really angry.”

Guy Ahnyurdyck:  “I hope I make it to shore in the next few days.”

Rev. Moneymaker:  “In 2015, try to make more friends than frenimies.”

Stubby Stonehenge:  “I don’t care what year it is…where the fuck am I?”

Dixie Ozark:  “Have a blessed 2015 be it the good Lord willin' and the creek don’t rise.”

The Late Tammy Tibbles:  “Make 2015 Amaaaaaaaaaazing.”

Dusty Sandman:  “Hey Hey Hey…may your roads be straight and your pavement dry in 2015.”

Mr. Vague:  “Hope you have a good day, and an uneventful year full of all that stuff.”

Martin:  “May your 2015 be full of positive vibes and plentiful touchings of your happy place.”

Aunt Jackie:

Joshua:  “Make 2015 the most FABULOUS year of your life!!”

Party Marty:  “If you’d like to leave a message, wait for the tone.  When you are done, you may hang up or press one for more options…”

Jesse Ferg:  “Why does my penis smell like sauerkraut? Was that out of line?  I didn't think so.”

KleeShay Johnson:  "Give 110% during the 24/7/365 of 2015."

So there you have it folks...thoughtful New Year wishes from the management, staff, and friends of IWS Radio.  Let’s make 2015 a great year!!


Monday, December 29, 2014

2015 Celebrity Death Pool Predictions

Holaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa y’all! It’s time once again for Jayman’s Celebrity Death Pool Predictions. Here are the celebrities that I think will tragically meet their maker in 2015.

First the list of rather obvious people who may be circling the drain already, take a lot of risks or are just so damn old you’re surprised to find out that they are still alive.

- Abe Vigoda

- Wilford Brimely

- Keith Richards

- Betty White

- Kirk Douglas

- Leif Garrett

- Jim Cantore

- Aretha Franklin

- Muhammad Ali

- Lindsay Lohan

- Larry King


- Michael Douglas

- Nancy Reagan

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

- Prince Phillip – Duke of Edinburgh

- Rob Ford

- Monty Hall

- One of the Olsen Twins (The hot one. I think. I get them confused.)

- Little Richard

- Bob Barker  

Next we go to the list of people who nobody really expects to die next year, but totally could.

- Bill Cosby will accidentally take a sip from the spiked drink and fall over dead right in front of Lindsay Lohan. It’s a double tragedy because he didn’t realize he wouldn’t have had to drug her.

- Wes Welker will become the first NFL player to die on the field. It’s going to happen sometime so it might as well happen to the guy who has had 1,933 concussions and has to wear a special helmet.

- Chris Hayes will get hit in the head by a stray rock at the next big riot by people who are angry man and die from uncontrolled bleeding of the brainstem.

- Artie Lang, after a life of alcohol and drug abuse and over-eating, will be electrocuted in a freak accident when he swipes his room key at the La Quinta Inn in Chattanooga while returning to his room from the hot tub.

- Grumpy Cat will die of a catnip overdose.


- Lena Dunham will die after falling into one too many rage spirals after she once again forces people to point out that she really is just as horrible a person as she believes herself to be.

- Whitey Bulger will be murdered in prison on the orders of Aaron Hernandez.

- Former NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg will die tragically after he wears specially made platform shoes to trick the guy running the Fire in the Hole ride at Silver Dollar City. He’ll slip right out from under the safety bar on his cart and fall to his death.

- Dr. Oz will die LIVE on the air of his TV show after taking a diet supplement that he insists will help people lose 20% of their body fat in less than 24 hours with no negative health effects.

- Kanye West will die in a freak accident when he trips in his bedroom, falls face first into Kim Kardashians ass and bounces backwards at such a high velocity that it knocks him through the bedroom window in the penthouse of the JW Marriott Marquis in Dubai and falls seventy-seven floors to his death.  

As always, I’m saying I want these people to die (well, most of them anyway), I’m just saying I think they might.



Sunday, December 28, 2014

New Year's Eve 2014 on IWS Radio...Simply Awesome!!

Yesterday’s IWS Radio show will go down in the annals of radio history, mainly because all radio shows that have already been done, are part of history, but nonetheless…

Our friend Chris busted through security and burst into the studio.

Drew Peacock got uber creepy, but was putting himself out there for all the women to love.

Bertie Higgins and Paul Anka rocked the house during Jay and Matt’s new Worst Songs Ever segment.

Being the multi-tasker that he is, Jayman offered Redskins highlights in HD while speaking to the LIVE audience.

Party Marty as typical never answered his phone.  And….

Bobby Kraft interviewed Baby New Year, and let us tell you….Baby New Year was an uninformed whiny ass bitch!!

Jay and Matt shared some New Year Resolutions and KleeShay Johnson seemed to say that in 2015 he would give 110% toward learning how to play the guitar.

Slyder Balzcock covered the remains of a Peta protester who was turned into a bratwurst or something.

We remembered Casey Kasem as only Casey could fucking remember himself and his staff, and…

Jayman shut things down with what may be THE worst record ever recorded by The Eagles.

How long is your hair now, Don?

And, if you missed the show live, you can always catch it right here:



Saturday, December 27, 2014

Seth Rogen and James Franco Great Americans!

We are PROUD to announce that Seth Rogen and James Franco are the IWS Person(s) of the Week! The stars of "The Interview" stared down North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un and stood up for creativity, free speech and art! The entire staff at IWS World Media Entertainment couldn't be prouder of our friends and colleagues for standing up for what's right!

Oh sure, lots of people think James Franco is a weirdo ...


And many think Seth Rogen is a silly pothead ...


But, when their country needed them they answered that call and stood tall!



Congrats Seth and James! Well done men!!!


Oh hey! Don't forget to tune into IWS Radio for "Jay and Matt are Dropping Their Balls this New Year's Eve" Sunday at 12 Noon ET!!! We'll review 2014, preview 2015 and party 'til our dads take our T-Birds away! Or something like that.

Friday, December 26, 2014

Dick Clark Knows..."The Hippest New Year's Eve Party Is On IWS Radio"

A rrrrrrrrockin…hellyo to all of youuuuuuse…The late annnnnd great thhhhhDick Clark here fuh
IW….etttttthsS Radyeeo.

If youuuuuuse litttttthen to one New Yeartttths Eve show thisssssth year make it IW…etttttthsS Radeyeeo. I mean…I know my name ittttths sssssstill on the Rockin’ Eve tttttthow but fuck Ryan Theeeeeeecreth.  He blowssssssss.

I want all of America to liiiiiiiiithen to Jjjjjjay and Ma….on IW…ettttttttths Radeyeeo ttttthisssss Thunday LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog tttthtalk Radeyeeo.  Allow me to provide a descripthun of what and who will be perrrrrrrrrforming accordingly to the IW…etttttths pessssth rewease….

Christmas is over, and New Year’s Eve and 2015 are breathing down upon our necks like a hungry wolf with a hot, foreboding, slobbery canine breath, so…Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio team are here for you in order to ring in 2015 and right your personal ship before the tumultuous waves of 2015 begin to swell with anger, and leave you looking like a fool before you even begin your New Year.

Bobby Kraft, Paul Piatt, Rev. Moneymaker, and Guy Ahnyurdyck among others, are here to kick your New Year off right, all the while Jay and Matt talk about how Christmas went, who will die in 2015, and how they will be spending their New Year’s Eve and what makes a good NYE’s party.

Jay and Matt will also aggrandize some lucky people with IWS coffee mugs if they happen to be the lucky callers at 661.244.9852.  All of that plus a LIVE dropping of a PeTA member down a pole in place of a New Year’s Eve ball made of crystal lights.  Miss this show, and you are begging 2015 to make you her bitch!!

Whooooth and praise Jeeeeebuth that I didn’t have to sssssssay all of tthhhhhat.  So join Jjjjjjay and Ma as they ring in the New Year during thhhhhhheir Jjjjjjjay and Ma Are Drrrroppin Their Balllsth Thisth New Year’sttth Eve show.

Knowing thhhhhose two, I’m thure that the show will be a 100...It will have a good beat and be far less annoyingly metrattttthsexual tttthan Ryan Theeeeeeeecreth.  Boy!!  I am exhausted now.

To catch IW…etttttthS Radeyeeo LIVE tomorrow, click right HERE!!

Keep On Rockin’ tttthe New Year in every Year,

ThhhhhDick Claaaaarrrrrrk

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Christmas with Kate Upton and Kim Jong-un

This week’s IWS Radio is what Christmas is all about. The IWS Radio family gathered around the virtual Christmas tree and told stories, sang songs and wished each other a Merry Christmas. It was so beautiful seeing the whole family all together and spreading the love like that.

Jay told a story about a weirdo walking up to him in the parking lot at the People Pleasin’ Place and telling him a silly joke.

Matt had to chase after a customer at the Beer Mine (conveniently located at the corner of Elmore and Burnett Roads in Bagwine, Ohio) because he overpaid by TEN DOLLARS. There was then a discussion as to whether or not that was meant to be a Christmas tip as a thank your for Matt-Man’s high-quality service throughout the year.

Jay then told about how he intellectually whipped the Crazy Computer Lady in an amateurs vs professionals discussion.

There was an in-depth discussion about the movie “The Interview” and the “Sony Hack.”


Schmoop, Tammy Tibbles and Paula Deen chimed in with some very heartfelt Merry Christmas messages for Matt, Jay and the whole IWS Radio Nation!

Lots of Merry Christmas messages from Dusty, Joshua, Dixie, Drew, Rev Moneymaker and KleeShay!

Bobby Kraft made is singing debut live from the Dean Martin Stage inside the lounge at the Hodgepodge Lodge Resort and Spa.

Buddy Acappella entertained us with his unique rendition of “Silent Night.”

We played some of Jayman’s favorite Christmas songs.

We played some of Matt-Man’s favorite Christmas songs.

We played some snippets of Jayman’s LEAST favorite Christmas Songs

We played some snippets of Matt-Man’s LEAST favorite Christmas Songs.

Kate Upton was named People Magazine’s Sexiest Woman Alive and Matt and Jay approved and scolded people who claim that Kate is “fat.”


The traditional reading of “Twas the Night Before Christmas” by the IWS Players.

Jamie Mapleleaf and Jessie Ferg called in to hang out with us for a while.


And soooooooooo much more! Check it out. It was both joyful and triumphant.   

                              


Saturday, December 20, 2014

IWS Person of the Week: Santa Claus !!

Cheeeeeers…Happy Winter Solstice….and let’s get ready to get our Christmas Rumbllllllllllllle on!!

As it is Sunday once again and a mere four days prior to our world’s annual Christmas celebration, who is more qualified to personify and embody the holy, supernatural, and good-willed spirit of Christmas than this week’s IWS Person of the Week

Santa Claus!!

Nobody, that’s who.

Santa Claus being the shape shifter that he is, has been around for years in one form or another and once in awhile people have spoken of him as a creepy figure.  It’s an outrage!!  We here at IWS Radio know that among the millions who have sat upon his lap, the lap-sitters are typically far creepier than our beloved Santa Claus…

Many people think of Santa Claus as nothing more than a jolly old gift giving soul who hasn’t a care in life, but his job is incredibly hard.  He alone has to determine for the entire world over the course of year, those who have been naughty and those who have been nice.  More often than not, that can be a very time consuming and difficult job, yet other times, not so much…

Even though there are billions of people in this world, somehow Santa takes the time to investigate each of us individually, and determine if we are worthy of him providing us with his own personal package…

Santa can work his magic like no other and instantly tell if you have been good or bad, and decide if you are worthy of a Christmas gift, or in the case Jay and Matt, an entire Santa sack full of Christmas gifts.  So…


Here’s to Santa Claus, our IWS Person of the Week.

And…For more great Christmas fun and frivolity, join Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio Staff as they present two hours of laugh filled, music filled, and just plain Christmastime good will LIVE today from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio.

The entire IWS Radio staff will be on hand to get you in the mood for Christmas like no else, as they celebrate the commercialized solemnity of the birth of the Holy Baby Jeebus during the, We Got Your Bells Jingling Right Here Baby episode of the IWS Radio Show.

To listen LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET today click right HERE, and as always, call-us up and wish everyone a very Merry Christmas at 661.244.9852!!  

Friday, December 19, 2014

We'll Deck Your Halls!

Christmas is the most wonderful time of year and Matt-Man and Jaymna are here to help you celebrate! They love Christmas and have so many great memories of Christmases past to share. Jesus may be the reason for the season, but it isn't much fun without a little hilarity. So, Matt and Jay will discuss their favoirte Christmas movies and comedies and will even play their favorite Christmas songs!


Buddy Acappella will be here to sing a very special rendition of "Silent Night." The IWS Players will also be here to do the traditional reading of "T'was the Night Before Christmas" also. On top of that there will be Christmas greetings from all of our correspondents, many fans of the show and maybe even a few celebrities.

Matt and Jay will also talk best and worst presents along with best and worst Christmas traditions. Plus there will also be some discussion about certain package deliver companies and how they can't be trusted to pack fragile items properly. Aaaaaaaaaaand there might be some discussion about current events like the stunning Cuba announcement this week by President Obama. Oh and the hacked Sony e-mails, North Korea, The Interview and all the cowards backing down from terrorists.



All this and YOUR CALLS! Be sure to join in and even call us up to make this true holly jolly Christmas when you join us on "We Got Your Bells Jingling Right Here Baby" on IWS Radio! 


Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Wrapping Presents Is Like Having Sex

In keeping with the spirit of Christmas, I have altered the meaning of sex as applied to the holiday of the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

I offer you an insight into my life with following definition alterations. From now on, and throughout the remainder of the Christmas season, these are the rules of the lexicon of sex…

Have Sex = Wrap presents
Having Sex = Wrapping presents
Had Sex = Wrapped presents

To wit, and heretofore is the following…

Back when I was a teen one Christmas Eve, my girlfriend Sherri and I were having sex in my bedroom when my brother Party Marty walked in. He burst out laughing because Sherri and I were so sloppy and bad at having sex.

Unfortunately, when the bastard walked in on us, he not only got a good laugh, he also got a full frontal peak at what she was giving him for Christmas. He left. We finished having sex, and I put a big bow on her box.

During the holiday season, I enjoy going to department stores and watching the young women behind the counter have sex. I don’t know how they do it.

They stand there 8-10 hours a day having sex in front complete strangers. It’s adorable watching the young boys and girls watch the chicks have sex with Daddy’s package.

I guess it is not really a bad gig. I mean having sex for 10 hours and getting paid for it, I may look into that.

When I was a wee lad, I remember one Christmas morn in particular. It was about 4 A.M., and I awoke with a thirst.

I straggled out to the fridge for a drink, and lo and behold, there were my mom and dad furiously having sex on the kitchen floor. Ribbon was flying everywhere, and without stopping, Dad told me to go back to bed.

One thing that always happens to me when having sex is that I run out of tape. It sucks because I can’t get the job done and nothing stays where it should while having sex. It’s really quite frustrating.

I remember another source of frustration as well. Back when I was a very young, left handed child, having sex was awkward and difficult for me.

Fortunately I had a number of older brothers and sisters who were always eager to lend me a hand. It was so nice of them to help me have sex.

Our family had a great time in those days. Our tightly knit clan would gather together to eat sausage balls, drink eggnog, and have sex as we listened to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing the Hallelujah Chorus over and over. Good times, good times.

Having sex can be one of the most joyous experiences of the holiday season.

And by the way, friends...

We still have a couple of days until Christmas. If you’re in the neighborhood, stop by, because I have gotten pretty good at having sex over the years…so if you need help having sex as I once did, I would love to help you have sex too.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
Be My Christmas Facebook Friend
Tweet Me Under The Mistletoe

Monday, December 15, 2014

Arkansas Razorbacks Fans are Stupid and Rude

Holaaaaaaaaaa! So, a week or so ago the Arkansas Razorbacks went to Ames, Iowa to play Iowa State in men’s basketball. The Hogs started off the game playing like shit, improved to just mediocre for a while and ended like quitters. The next day I thought I’d see if anyone in an Arkansas sports group I belong to on Facebook wanted to discuss what went wrong.

I got banned from the group before I could save the comment thread, but what follows is VERY close to accurate, especially the name calling and insults directed at me. I tend to remember those.  My comments in bold, responses in italics.


J: “Seems like every time the Hogs have a chance to make a big splash they drown. Gotta start at least being competitive in these games. We only get a handful of chances.”

Stephen comments: “You’re a moron! GTFOH Man!”

J: “What do you think went wrong last night?”

Stephen:  “ISU just had a good night. That’s all.”

J: “Well they did play really great. We seem to make a lot of people look really great though.”

Stephen: “So you’re giving up after only one loss? Some fan you are.”

Now Vicky joins the thread: “If you’re gonna be this bitchy and attack the players like this after only one unfortunate performance you better not show up pretending to be a fan when we win the next big game we play!”

J: “Whoa! I think that’s a bit of an exaggeration of what I said Vicky.”

Vicky responds with “Excuse me???? Whatever!”


Now James shows up with “Guys, just ignore him. He’s a sad, fat fag who is always angry and hates the UofA”

Vicky responds “Well, being gay is his choice if he is, but he most definitely hates the Hogs and is a very angry man.”

J: “Wow this is a really rough crowd here. Love all the name calling and personal attacks though. That’s always a nice touch.”

Stephen returns with “Hey! You’re the one who started the attacks with the cheap shot at the team. I don’t know if what James said is right, but I do suspect you’re probably just a racist who wouldn’t be happy unless we had an all-white team and coaching staff and played Princeton style offense.”

Then quick like bunny Darryl showed up with this gem: “Seriously Jason. Just get the fuck out of here and leave this group to the real fans that actually support the team you POS.”

Then Vicky comes back for more: “I bet you’re the kind of guy who always picks Arkansas to lose when we play a big game.”

J: “Well, Vicky I try to be realistic about these things and when it’s clear that the other team is better than us then yes, I pick them to beat us. Don’t you?”

Vicky fires back “HELL NO! I always pick Arkansas to win! If we were 0-30 and were playing a 30-0 Kentucky team in Lexington I would still pick Arkansas to win! That’s what a REAL HOG FAN does!”

Now Walter shows up with “I think Jason needs a timeout from this group considering his personal attacks on female members. That’s pretty uncalled or dude. You’re a real asshole.”

Vicky finishes her part with “Fuck that fag!”


It was at this point that I clicked on the link to the group to find that he had been kicked out.  Gosh that was fun. My fellow Arkansas fans are swell. What REALLY sucks is that Arkansas followed up that loss by losing to a shitty Clemson team that couldn't even beat a super-shitty Rutgers team AT HOME! Man, I came *THIS CLOSE* to creating a new fake Facebook page and joining that group again just to say "TOLDJA!!!" 



There Were No Survivors at the IWS Christmas Party

Greetings and Cheers…So much fun was had at yesterday’s IWS Radio Office Christmas Party that

somebody who shall remain nameless forgot to write today’s recap, so…

Let’s get bizzy with it.

Matt-Man lamented his unexpected divorce after twenty-seven years of what he thought was wedded bliss.

Jayman sympathized with him and then forced Matt to sing the Arkansas Razorbacks fight song since the University of Dayton basketball team was pummeled by the Hogs.

There were a ton of guests listening live in the chat room although Matt-Man couldn’t see any of them for part of the show.

Bobby Kraft livened up the party and Rev. Moneymaker’s dour mood erased all of Bobby’s good work.

Schmoop was pissed off more than usual and then had sex with Guy Ahnyurdyck.

Paul Piatt was drunk as a skunk and sniffing up some chick named Puddles.

Jesse Ferg sang about St. Nick and Joey Goodbar hailed in Hanukkah.

Beer Mine Beth, Missalicious, and Party Marty’s Voicemail answered our calls of celebration and a good time was had by all.

So kick back today and give yesterday’s 2014 IWS Radio Office Christmas Party a listen:


Saturday, December 13, 2014

Taylor Swift is our Person of the Week!

IWS Radio is proud to announce that our Person of the Week for this week is the amazing Taylor Swift.

She has the #1 Album in the country for five straight weeks ...


She performed at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show ...


She hangs out an NY Knicks games and snuggles with Karlie Kloss ...


She just got nominated for a Grammy in her first try as a Pop artists (NOT Country!)...


And she just celeb rated her 25th birthday! There's no stopping her...




Speaking of people who can't be stopped. Don't forget to join us for our "2014 IWS Radio Christmas Party" Sunday at 12 Noon ET!! This year promises to be even more decadent and depraved than ever! Or something like that.


Friday, December 12, 2014

Steve Carell Can't Wait For the IWS Radio Office Christmas Party

Good morning people.  Steve Carell here for IWS Radio. Many of you know that I spent years working in an office environment, and well…it logically follows that I spent many a year planning and attending my share of office Christmas parties.

Our office Christmas parties were always full of fun, friendship, and frivolity, and well, at times…awkward moments, social gaffes, and in a case or two, a bit too much to drink.  The fine staff at the award winning studios of IWS Radio are no different, and will be celebrating their equally awkward 2014 Office Christmas Party LIVE.

Jay, Matt, and the entire staff at IWS Radio will be broadcasting their entire bawdy, tawdry, and explicitly funny Christmas party shenanigans LIVE tomorrow from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio.

Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio Players will be whooping it up as they celebrate drunken office party sex, their annual Christmas bonuses, and of course, the birth of the Holy Baby Jesus.

Stand-Up Santa will be live from Ha-Ha’s in Haifa, Jamie Mapleleaf will
be hummin’ in the Hammer, and Jesse Ferg will be singing his seasonal soul out.

Jay and Matt will offer rules of office party etiquette, provide culinary tips, talk with among others, the Rev. Moneymaker and Paul Piatt, and venture into the unspoken and nebulous world of Office Hanukkah parties.

The lovely Queen of Glazed Muffins Missalicious may be chiming in, and the adorable Deli Queen Schmoop will definitely be on hand in hopes of landing a new, wassailing, and drunken married man…bless her heart.

There will be laughs galore…music galore, and with any luck for members of the IWS staff, cheap and pre-regrettable sex galore.  

All of that plus your phone calls at 661.244.9852 as the IWS Radio staff drink to excess, crank up the Christmas tunes, and feast upon a smorgasbord of comedy at their 2014 Office Christmas Party.

To listen LIVE tomorrow from Noon-2 PM ET, click right HERE!!

Merry Christmas and/or a Happy Otherwise Somewhat Noteworthy Holiday,

Steve Carell

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

How Divorce Changes People ...

Holaaaaaaaaaaa! Well, now that Matt-Man is divorced his life has changed more than you guys can ever imagine. I’ve been observing him over the last 24 to 36 hours and I can tell you that the change has been astounding! Matt-Man has a whole new view on life. Just check out some of the changes that are happening to Matt-Man:

- He is now a Health Nut: I can see Matt-Man strolling down the organic food isles at the grocery store refusing to eat anything that has been treated with pesticides or pumped full of growth hormones. Our usual “What’s for dinner” exchange on Twitter will go something like …

“@Jayman_IWS Oh, I’m having a hamburger patty, mashed taters and some French cut green beans. Whatchu havin’??”

“@MattMan_IWS I think I’ll have baked organic free-range chicken with some organic kale and squash covered in a spicy mango salsa with a bottle of pure spring water.”


- Even worse he’s working on becoming a Vegan and Marathon Runner!!! …

“@MattMan_IWS I’m having tofu and broccoli stir fry laid over a bed of gluten-free brown pasta. I need to carb up to be ready to run a 10K this weekend for Enlarged Prostate (BPH) Awareness.”

- He’s turned into a bit of snob: Matt has given up drinking Wild Irish Rose and Steel Reserve. Instead he will be drinking fancy French wines! On the rare occasions that he does drink beer it will only be a very highly regarded craft beer brewed and a small privately owned brewery that he orders directly from on the internet.

- He has become weirdly and agreeable and complimentary of everyone …

“. @SeanHannity I was watching you tonight and while I don’t agree that gay people have a mental disorder and can be cured through shock therapy, I respect your views and the high production value of your shows.”

“. @MHPShow Could I possibly get a copy of the syllabus a little early so I can take extra time to prepare for the show. I find it helps me to read it thoroughly twice before the show to keep up with your superior intellect. Thanks gorgeous!”


- He’s talking serious about quitting smoking! Oh God! Matt-Man is gonna be one of those “Back when I smoked” people. You know the type! He’ll be one of those people who find a way to bring up the fact that he used to smoke no matter is going on.

“I walked to work today and you know what? It’s amazing how much easier that walk is now that I don’t smoke. I mean I walked here without any real effort at all. I’m not even breathing heavily. I bet I could walk here and then turn right around walk back home and still not break a sweat. You people who smoke can’t do that. Sucks for you! Oh I see what got a new shipment of Grippo’s BBQ Chips! You know what? This is gonna sound weird but I used to hate these when I smoked. It’s just amazing what smoking does to the other senses. I swear every single day I feel better about myself and the rest of my life. Food tastes better, water tastes purer, flowers smell prettier and the list goes on and on! I really hope I can inspire others to quit smoking too so they can experience the world the same way I have.”  

Maybe he should have just stayed married?



Monday, December 8, 2014

Justice May Be Blind, But I Hope She Isn't A Comedian As Well

Cheeeeeeeeeers and a Happy D-Day to you all!!  What, you say?  What is this D-Day of which you speak? D-Day happened on June 6, 1944.

Yes, yes it did, the D-Day of the Normandy invasion anyway, but my friends…Today is another type of D-Day and one that is much more personal to me.

After nearly twenty-eight years of marriage including fourteen years of separation, yours truly goes to court today in order to finalize the legal dissolution of my marriage, and this guy is nervous.

People tell me, “Why be nervous? You’ll be in and out in 10-20 minutes.”  For most folks that would hold true, but people near and dear to me know that I have a dark cloud above my head that never fails to rain disruption and despair down upon my life.

So…even though the future ex-Mrs. Mahoney and I have signed the short, sweet, and concise agreement papers, here is a list of what could go wrong tomorrow and prevent me from becoming a free man.

The alarm clock here in the Bagwine digs is pretty old.  It may choose to fully unfunction and fail to wake me up in time for my court appearance.

Let’s say the alarm clock does do its job and I am well-prepared in plenty of time.  I go down to the car to drive to the courthouse, and…the battery is dead.  Can’t make it to court, and in this hearing, a no-show, is a no-go.

Let’s say we are all there in a timely manner and the judge having had a fallout with his wife earlier in the morning, is feeling melancholy and decides he cannot grant the dissolution because “you guys should attend counseling and give it one more chance.”

Dig this…Everything is going swimmingly and the judge asks me, “Mr. Mahoney, are you in agreement with the terms, and is this what you want?”  Being stricken with a sore throat from working in the elements at the Beer Mine, I at that point, lose my voice, and am unable to answer audibly.

I have mixed emotions about this next scenario…The judge denies the petition of dissolution because as he remarks, “I laugh my ass off every time Jay or Matt play Torn Between Two Lovers on the IWS Radio Show, and I don’t want to be known as the judge who put a stop to that.”

Lastly…My BFF/PSGF Schmoop is going with me, but will remain in the car during said proceeding, however…I can see her getting nervous, hop out of the car, and burst into the courtroom screaming, “Make them stay married.  If you don’t, Matt-Man will start asking me to marry him.”

Very Hurtful.

My friend, IWS Radio partner, and knower of the cloud above my head Jayman, has a bit of a different take on the outcome of today’s court proceedings.

He said to me, “Quit worrying. You’ll be in and out in fifteen minutes with no hassle…Of course Matt-Man…while walking across the street to get in your car to go home, you’ll be struck by a bus and die.”

That would be tragic.  That would be morbid.  That would be unfortunate, however…

That black cloud above my head would be gone forever because I would die knowing that for an instant, I died a happily unmarried man.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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Sunday, December 7, 2014

College Football Playoffs, Celebrity Feuds and More!

It was all about celebrities, feuds and how none of those feuds were ever OUR fault, the college football playoffs and all kinds of other cool stuff on IWS Radio! Dig it …

Jayman is the kind of guy you take home to mom.

Matt is nervous about his court appearance coming up on Tuesday.

Matt was a little gassy this week.

Jayman went everywhere he possibly could that would result in some sort of confrontation with no dice.

Jayman had to hang up and call back in to get a better line. So frustrating.

Phil Diller brought the funny.

Pearl Harbor Day shout outs

The guy who designed the Japanese Flag was a little lazy and unimaginative.


You know Hitler used to like to make people wait too! Looking at you college football playoff committee! Instant analysis of the playoffs ensued!

Alarmist Weatherman had a tearful goodbye to his friend and mentor Kirk Douglas.

COG and Jessie Ferg took over the chat room.

We’ve had a few feuds over the years. Greg Gutfeld, Salmon Rushdie, Doug Benson, Sean Hannity and more.

A few BTR and Blog feuds. Dog Bloggy, Snug, DD and of course our old friend Joker.

Then we realized that the common denominator of all those feuds was Dana. Weird huh?

Canadian Bureau Chief Jamie Mapleleaf laid into Gwyneth Paltrow and hopes Martha Stewart kicks “Gwinnie’s” ass!


And soooooooooooo much more! Definitely check it out!


                               


Saturday, December 6, 2014

IWS Person of the Week...Rev. Al Sharpton, the Prince of Peace!!

Sometimes, communities become divided…ego-driven rifts can develop between celebrities, and feuds between groups of people can develop and cause pain and suffering and tragically sometimes even violence.

When things like this happen a man of peace, of wisdom, and the power to heal hearts is needed, and nobody has answered that any longer nor done it any better than our IWS Person of the Week

The Rev. Al Sharpton.

When Rev. Sharpton ascends into the bully pulpit, one can immediately sense something righteous and supernatural about him…


And when Rev. Al is ready to call out proprietors of injustice using his powerful oratory of God-Given splendor, he let’s the evil doers have it…


And being a man of the cloth and a knight in shining armor to the downtrodden and forgotten shadows of humanity, the ladies dig him…


And while some call him a race peddler, a charlatan, or even an opportunistic hate-filled black man, we here at IWS Radio know that Rev. Al Sharpton loves everyone and has been placed here on Earth in order to bring the peace and end the feuding…


Congrats to Rev. Al, our IWS Person of the Week!!  And…

Speaking of ill-will, in fighting, and feuds, join the IWS Radio gang LIVE TODAY from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio as we present the Celebrity Ugliness Negates True Sincerity episode.

Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio team will be talking celebrity feuds, personal feuds, social media feuds, and family feuds.  It’s not a pleasant topic but it’s good to clear the air before the joyous season of Christmas swings into full gear.

So join us LIVE TODAY from Noon-2 PM ET and call-in and get all of the angst and bitterness off of your chest.  To listen LIVE click HERE!!
  

Friday, December 5, 2014

Whole Lotta Feudin' Goin' On ...

Don't you love celebrity feuds? Or feuds between two pseudo-celebrities? Or feuds between countries, leaders, friends or anyone at all? Well Matt and Jay do too! And being world famous internet radio starts sometimes Matt and Jay find themselves in the middle of these feuds. They NEVER start them, of course. They would never do something like that! Well, not usually. Sometimes there's just no choice though.


So this week Matt and Jay will be talking about their favorite famous feuds. Celebrities, politicians, athletes, blogers, friends and even family! Matt and Jay will break them all down for you and tell you who was right and who was wrong.


Then they'll talk about some of their own feuds they've been involved in both with celebrities and "regular" people. There have been blog feuds, social media tiffs, Facebook face-offs and general ugliness from time to time. There might even be a BTR feud brewing right now! Or maybe it will be starting as the show goes along. We'll see.


Our Canadian Bureau Cheif Jamie Mapleleaf will be here along with some of our correspondents to entertain and inform you. Maybe they've held a few grudges they'd like to talk about or even throw out a peace offering? Or not.



Anyway, it's gonna be another star-studded show sure to entertain people of all ages! Don't forget those phone lines are always open so if you have a running feud with someone (OR US!!!) call us up and let it all out!

So be sure to join Matt and Jay for "Celebrity Ugliness Negates True Sincerity" on IWS Radio Sunday at 12 Noon ET!! 


Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Springfield News-Sun....Santa to All in Springfield, Ohio Dies at 67

(AP) Springfield, Ohio

Chuck Abernathy, Reporter

“Words cannot express the sorrow that I feel at this moment. No amount of tears can purge my soul of the loss. Bagwine Kringle gave so much to so many, and his passing will be felt the world 'round.”

That was the comment from one, Dex Lexler.  Mr. Lexler age 51, was a close friend to Springfield, Ohio icon and self-proclaimed Santa, Harley Rusbam, also known as Bagwine Kringle, and more simply, BK.

Mr. Rubsam, 67, of 819 Cedar St., was pronounced dead yesterday at Springfield Regional Medical Center due to an accidental ingestion of fish bones.

It seems BK and a couple of his “elves”, Tina Trinity and the aforementioned Mr. Lexlar, were hurriedly wrapping Christmas presents for some of the less fortunate local kids.

While Ms. Trinity and Mr. Lexler selfishly ran next door to grab a sandwich, Bagwine Kringle the workaholic that he is, ate what he had on hand and continued the Christmas assemblage.

He was hurriedly gulping down some Salmon Fancy Feast cat food and evidently began to choke on a small bone.  When Dex and Trinity returned, he was lying on the floor gasping for air.

Mr. Lexler called the paramedics while Tina attempted to ply Kringle with some Wild Irish Rose to relax his throat muscles.

She quickly found out that that was not the best idea.

He spewed out a mixture of WIR and bile that was described as, “a poorly made Sterno sauce with a stench reminiscent of Steel Reserve urine.”

Although nearing death, Bagwine Kringle was with his two best friends.

BK was with his dear friend Tina, whose street name is, “Bowling Ball.” Tina is a 48 year old prostitute with large breasts, two prosthetic legs, and a glass eye.

Her seductive wiles are legendary.  Some women can spread their legs incapably wide, but Tina, she can take hers completely off.

She is also very accommodating. If a client is feeling extremely kinky, she will pop out her glass eye, and let him give her, shall we say...a facial.

Tina is one who gives and gives, and that is why she and Bagwine Kringle were pals.

And then, there's good ol’ Dex Lexler, or “Sarge”, as BK called him.  Dex was never in the military, but BK always kidded him that he looked like the dog from Beetle Bailey.

True, the dog’s name was actually Otto, but BK was close. The two shared so many of the same traits…compassion, generosity, and cirrhosis of the liver.

They were of one mind inside of two bodies and now sadly, they are half the men they used to be…or something like that.

When paramedics arrived, BK was nearly expired. His lungs raled bilaterally, desperately gasping for air, but it was not to be.

Tina and Sarge looked down upon BK as they sobbed unrelentingly.

And then, as the medics placed him on the cart, Bagwine Kringle looked at his friends with that familiar twinkle in his one good eye, and with his final breath said...

“Don’t cry for me Sarge ‘n’ Tina.”

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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