College Football Playoffs, Celebrity Feuds and More!

It was all about celebrities, feuds and how none of those feuds were ever OUR fault, the college football playoffs and all kinds of other cool stuff on IWS Radio! Dig it …

Jayman is the kind of guy you take home to mom.

Matt is nervous about his court appearance coming up on Tuesday.

Matt was a little gassy this week.

Jayman went everywhere he possibly could that would result in some sort of confrontation with no dice.

Jayman had to hang up and call back in to get a better line. So frustrating.

Phil Diller brought the funny.

Pearl Harbor Day shout outs

The guy who designed the Japanese Flag was a little lazy and unimaginative.

You know Hitler used to like to make people wait too! Looking at you college football playoff committee! Instant analysis of the playoffs ensued!

Alarmist Weatherman had a tearful goodbye to his friend and mentor Kirk Douglas.

COG and Jessie Ferg took over the chat room.

We’ve had a few feuds over the years. Greg Gutfeld, Salmon Rushdie, Doug Benson, Sean Hannity and more.

A few BTR and Blog feuds. Dog Bloggy, Snug, DD and of course our old friend Joker.

Then we realized that the common denominator of all those feuds was Dana. Weird huh?

Canadian Bureau Chief Jamie Mapleleaf laid into Gwyneth Paltrow and hopes Martha Stewart kicks “Gwinnie’s” ass!

And soooooooooooo much more! Definitely check it out!

                               

It's Canada Day!! So What...Eh?*

It’s the first day of July Bitches!! And you know what that means…

That’s right…It’s Canada Day!!

Today is the day that Canada celebrates its “independence” from the United Kingdom…um, okay, not really.

Today marks the day in 1867 that Canada was formally known as a Dominion…meaning several provinces of Canada united as one under the Crown of the United Kingdom.

See…Canada was never truly independent of the English bastards until 1982. 1982!!

Ha!! Angola told Portugal to shove it some seven years earlier. Angola, folks!!

Hell even today, in spite of Canada's “independence”, the Queen of England (and no, I don’t mean Elton John) is still the legal head of state.

What the fuck kind of independence is that?

Holy Crap…

While Americans are gearing up to celebrate our independence from Britain that took the writing and signing of a “treasonous” document and a brutal war that lasted over six years...

The Canadians are celebrating the right of their provinces to associate with each other under the iron girdle of the British crown.

What a bunch of back bacon pussies.*

Three days from now, we will be honoring great men such as George Washington, John Adams, Ben Franklin, and Patrick Henry.

Today, the Canadians will be paying homage to the likes of Anne Murray, Keanu Reeves, Howie Mandel, and Justin Bieber. And of course…The Queen.

Screw the Canadians…or is that, Canadiens? See?

They can’t even settle on the fucking spelling of who and what they are.

It all goes back to those damn French in Québec. The French in Québec are kinda like the Zoroastrians are in Afghanistan and Iran.

Oh sure…they’re there, but, pffffft, fuck ‘em.

Anyhoo…Let’s say fuck you to the Canadians and especially the Canadiens.

This July 4th, let’s celebrate our Independence Day by fully democratizing the Labatt Blue pissing Canadians like we did the Germans, the Japs, and the Vietnamese…er…well, whatever.

We can fire cruise missiles, and send a squadron of B-2s to level their no-balls parliament.

And then, I’ll personally go to Buckingham Palace to bitch slap Queen Lizzy, and say unto Her Majesty:

“You wanna act like you still have an Empire? Well, free my neighbors to the north and go re-invade the sheep herders on the Falkland Islands…and by the way, Charles is fucking gay.”

Oh yeah, babies…

This year…

If America puts her mind to it, we can celebrate the 4th of July with drunken Canadians being killed by American made bombs instead of drunken Americans losing an eye or a finger to an errant, Chinese made Roman Candle.

I for one, can dig that. But…

It’s Canada Day, so I celebrate them…

But seriously, does anyone really give a shit?

It‘s not like they’re really independent…or relevant.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
My Twitterdom
My Swingin' Facebook Page

*None of the above remarks apply to IWS Radio’s favorite Canadian and Canadian Bureau Chief, the uber-lovely and talented, Jamie Mapleleaf, nor to William Shatner, nor Rob Ford.

Jamie, Bill, and Rob are the only three people who give Canada a sexy splash of excitement and personality.

Matt Said, Jay Said...1-800-222-1222

Matt pivots…Jay redirects…You roll with the changes.

Matt:  Guten Tag Mi Ami!!
Jay:  What?  German and French in the same greeting?
Matt:  I hail from Alsace Loraine, so…um…okay…How the hell are ya?
Jay:  Awesome…this not writing on the blog nearly all week is liberating.
Matt:  I know, and I got a lot done because we took a break from the blog.

Jay:  Oh man, so did I.
Matt:  Oh yeah?  Like what?
Jay:  Well, you brought it up; why don’t you go first.
Matt:  Just a A LOT of stuff, and you?
Jay:  Tons o’shit done too, and if I’m lyin’, I’m dyin’.

Matt:  I’m glad the break worked out well for both of us.
Jay:  I did have some ideas to kinda tweak the show.
Matt:  Are you getting rid of me?
Jay:  Are you kidding?  How could I ever do that?  After all, you paid half of the premium fee.
Matt:  And if I hadn't?
Jay:  Are you kidding me?  After all, you paid half of the premium fee.

Matt:  Uh-huh, anyhoo…What are some of your tweak-deas?
Jay:  I thought we could do a quiz show of some type.
Matt:  Who doesn't like that?
Jay:  Communists…and vegans.  Annnnnnd perhaps we could have our correspondents interview each other.
Matt:  That would be awesome.

Jay:  I was thinking about the You Tube and Facebook pages.
Matt:  Perhaps we could save that for the show.
Jay:  I guess.
Matt:  I know what would be an exciting change and enhancement for the show.
Jay:  What’s that?
Matt:  More callers.
Jay:  Holy Cow Dude.  When you dream, you dream BIG!!
Matt:  I know, right?

Jay:  Well we can discuss some of the changes and additions we’d like to make, but what else?
Matt:  Lessee….Hey!!  Sunday is Best Friend Day!!  And Name Your Poison Day!!
Jay:  We could talk about the crazy friends we have had over the years.
Matt:  And talk about the “poisons” we are addicted to.
Jay:  Hell yeah, food, sex, alcohol, drugs.  There are many types of poisons out there.
Matt:  Oh hell Jayman, guess what?
Jay:  What?
Matt:  Sunday is also Canadian River Day.
Jay:  Get outta here!!  I have always been addicted to Canadian rivers.  Jamie Mapleleaf could chime in.
Matt:  Damn right.

Jay:  Bobby Kraft and KleeShay Johnson can chime in on something or something as well.
Matt:  Guy Ahnyurdyck needs to update us on the demise or resurrection of Stubby Stonhenge.
Jay:  And you know what?  With all of the changes afoot, it would be nice to have Ma Tibbles bring about some comfort of the typical.
Matt:  Praise Jesus!!

Jay:  Aight.  I think we are ready.
Matt:  I know we are.
Jay:  So I hope everyone joins us for Name Your Poison and Make Some Changes on IWS Radio tomorrow.
Matt:  LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio.
Jay:  You can catch all of the hilarity AND CALL IN…
Matt:  By clicking HERE.

Is It Hot Enough For Ya, and Other Stupid Phrases

Cheers and a Happy Tuesday to you all.

After a long and brutal winter, spring/summer is about to break in Bagwine, Ohio, and let me tell you...

While I am looking forward to the warm temps, I am not looking forward to the ensuing, sarcastic, trying to be funny question…

“Hot enough for ya?”

Oh…Dear…God.

Let me tell you now folks; if you are resident of Bagwine and we finally hit the eighties after the testicular shrinking cold winter that we have had, and you ask me if it is hot for me..?

I am going to respond with…

No!!  It can never be hot enough, you know why?  Because prior to this past winter, I only had a three inch dick to begin with, and NOW it’s only an inch and a half long, because I lost half of it to frostbite, you stupid, just wanna talk to talk for no reason dullard.

And now that I think about it, there are a few more sayings, bon mots, and colloquialisms that I want erased from every record, obelisk, and page of mankind which are the following…

First up, this one…

“It is what it is.”

Really Einstein?  If I get run over by a car, are you gonna come to my bedside in the hospital while I am lying drugged up on dilaudid and tell me that my situation. “is what it is?”  Dumb Ass.

“Ya win some; you lose some.”

That is so deep, you Nietzsche fuck…Perhaps you would like to say that to my kids who won’t eat this week because I put my money on the wrong horse this week.

“That’ll happen sometimes.”

I tripped and hurt my knee.  “That’ll happen sometimes.” is your response.   Hello?  Yes I know, because it happened yesterday and it has happened many times before, and I just told you that it did.

“All things happen for a reason.”

Wow…I never knew that Mr./Ms. Descartes…I never realized that the reason that I didn't get laid last night was because I told Schmoop that her ham and potato casserole was good when she was hoping for an “excellent” rating from me.

“I’m in good company when I’m with Stupid.”

On the surface, it’s a sweet phrase, however…Jamie, the one who uttered this phrase has never invited neither Jay nor I to her home.  So you see? Sure, Jamie loves us…over the privacy and the protection of the internet, but…

She refuses to have us as houseguests and keeps us at arm’s length which is kinda hurtful.  But…We still love her.

In all seriousness, (especially excluding my Jamie reference, we love her in spite of the non-invite) please…Hot enough?  All things happen for a reason?  Is it hot enough for ya?  Stop it!!

Ask and/or state these things in a funnier more creative way…Perhaps, when it gets really damn hot, you could say…

"If Ann Coulter would spread her legs more often, we’d have Global Cooling."

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

The Olympics, American Idol and Valentine's Day

Everyone crowded into the Love Shack for another epic episode of IWS Radio this week and things got heated up in a hurry! Oh yeah! Matt-Man and Jayman took some time to review the brutal cold and snow of the last two weeks since our last show. Matt has been shoveling snow non-stop for what seems like forever and Jay has to clear snow and ice off his car and just pray that it starts every other day. We’ve both had enough of this shit!

We gave a special IWS Radio shout out to the one and only Jamie, our favorite Canadian who celebrated a birthday this week! Then, Jamie did a Love, Canadian Style report for us. Turns out those Canadians not only celebrate Valentine’s Day just like we do, they do it better. Of course they do!

There was also a shout out to Redneckville, Arkansas’ very own Tessa Kate who made it to Hollywood on American Idol! With that comes not only the support of our vast and diverse worldwide audience, but a standing invitation to Tessa to come on the show anytime she likes!

Then we got down and dirty talking about V-Day and all the good and bad things about this silly made up holiday. Okay, mostly the bad. In fact, there isn’t much good about it at all. We did give the guys some advice on how to try and make it a good day for their women, but we all know whatever they do, it won’t be enough. But, Bobby Kraft did explain how, with a little planning it could be a win-win situation!

The Schmoopster updated us on the wild and crazy times of an unemployed chick. She talked about how exciting it was to attend an Employment Seminar and all the wonderful folks she met. Oh! And a nice older gentleman who lives close to the Bagwine Digs who has taken a bit of a shine to Schmoop. What a sweet story that was!

Slyder Balzcock reported live from Sockeye, Russia located on the banks of the Yellow Sea to tell us what all is happening at the Olympics. Also a nice shout out from the IWS Radio crew to Olympic skater Gracie Gold who grew up mostly in a town not too far from Redneckville! We’re all pulling for you Gracie!!

Paul Piatt brought his A-game this week with some really uplifting and hopeful poetry! Drew Peacock voiced an ad for Kinky Karen’s Good Vibrations stores! That was HAWT! And of course Joshua debuted his first every movie review! Since it was a Valentine’s Show he decided to review “Brokeback Mountain” and boy does that sound like a great movie!

Plus we took a call from Debbie in New Jersey and talked Superstorm Sandy, Chris Christie, riding the bus to school, Catholic school girls and their sexy uniforms and all kinds of other fun stuff! What an awesome person Debbie is!

All that and soooooo much more y’all! Totally check this show out! Please?

Find Additional Comedy Podcasts with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

My Life as a Winner

Hola winners and losers! Monday afternoon I was just hanging out, minding my own business when I heard a knock on the door. It was the FedEx delivery guy with a package from Random House. I was perplexed because I hadn’t order a book, but when I opened the package I realized what had happened.

A few weeks ago I had signed up through Facebook for a chance to win an advance copy of Bill Bryson’s “One Summer: America, 1927.”  I’m a HUGE Bill Bryson fan so I made sure to point out on the entry form that I not only wrote for a blog, but I co-host the #1 comedy show on BTR. My clever plan worked and I won!!!

After I got the book it suddenly hit me that I have a long history of winning when it comes to drawings…

In third grade I won a goldfish at the Halloween carnival at school. I don’t remember if I named him/her but when I got home I put him/her in a big glass bowl filled with water. In the morning the fish was dead. Poor thing was probably old and died of natural causes in his/her sleep. Over the years I’ve considered getting another goldfish but decided against it because the pain of losing old whatshis/hername was just too much. That and goldfish don’t cuddle with ya.

My sophomore year of high school I won a prize at a football game. They would draw numbers and if any of those numbers matched the one on the program you had you won. Well, my number was called and I won a big wool blanket. Unfortunately it was sooooooo damn itchy that I ended up never using it and finally throwing it out.

During my senior year Dr. Pepper was running a promotion where some lucky people who bought a 12 oz can from a vending machine got a t-shirt and .50 to get another Dr. Pepper. So, one day I gave it a whirl and TA-DA! I won the t-shirt. Sadly, it was a size small so I gave it to Cheri Curtis who was a sexy little thang. I didn’t get anything more than a “thanks” from her though so I was hardly worth it.

When I was in college I actually won a truck from Don Nelms Chevrolet! Well, it was a 20 year old truck that was really beat up and wouldn’t start. They finally got it started for me and it turned out it was one of those old “three on a tree” standard shift trucks. I almost got killed trying to drive home. I sold it for $300 but it cost me $200 to get it registered and shit. Wasn’t worth it.

After the truck though my luck improved… 

At an old job once I won a drawing among all the people who had perfect attendance for a 90 day period. I won a $10 gift card to Taco Bell. Oh yeah! Tacos were only .40 cents in those days so that worked out great!

The “Friends of the Library” held a drawing a few years ago and I won a really sweet roadside emergency kit. It has tools, gloves, a flashlight, battery charger, jumper cables and those little orange triangle things to place on the road to warn motorists of a car on the shoulder. I’m convinced my having this thing in the truck is the reason I haven’t been stranded on the side of the road lately.

On top of all that, now I win the latest book by one of my favorite authors. Dam, things really are looking up for me. I think I’ll start buying lottery tickets.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

In other news we were all treated to our first ever Canada Report last Sunday on IWS Radio. Jamie from the Hammer is our Canadian Correspondent and she was AWESOME so you should totally check it out...

Matt Said, Jay Said 10100111001

Matt: Cheeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrssssssssss!!!!
Jay: Holaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!
Matt: We’re so damn cool.
Jay: The nerds out there envy us so much.
Matt: Totally.
Jay: I haven’t always been this cool though, you know.
Matt: You don’t say?
Jay: I’m serious! I used to be a bit of nerd myself.
Matt: YOU? No way!
Jay: IKR?!
Matt: I’ve always been cool.
Jay: It shows.
Matt: That’s where all my self-confidence comes from.
Jay: The easy life of the cool people.
Matt: I wish you could experience it too.
Jay: Yeah, me too.
Matt: But the nerdy, uncool life has its own rewards right?
Jay: Not really, no.
Matt: Well, that’s too bad.
Jay: Thank you for your understanding.

Matt: So, what was for supper tonight?
Jay: Spaghetti!
Matt: Ooooooooo that’s good!
Jay: Oh yeah, whatchu having?
Matt: Frozen pizza.
Jay: Nice, Putting anything extra on it?
Matt: I might just have it as is out of the box.
Jay: Rare move on your part.
Matt: I like to mix things up a bit.
Jay: Keeps you from getting into a rut.
Matt: What did you have last night?
Jay: Fish sticks and a baked potato.
Matt: Great combo.
Jay: What did you have?
Matt: Sausage patties and scrambled eggs.
Jay: Oh yeahhhhhhhhh! Delicious!

Matt: You know what’s sad though?
Jay: What?
Matt: The box says serving size ONE PATTY!
Jay: Get out!
Matt: I’m serious!
Jay: Who do they think they’re bullshitting?
Matt: Nobody! They’re just being Provisionally Correct.
Jay: What losers!
Matt: More like Fascists!
Jay: Portion Size Terrorists!
Matt: Damn right!
Jay: This “Serving Size Recommendation” shit is outrageous.
Matt: It’s a threat to our very freedom as Americans.
Jay: We need to stand up to these people.
Matt: I think I’m thinking what you’re thinking!
Jay: We will discuss this outrage on the show Sunday.
Matt: Yes we will!
Jay: What else can we talk about?
Matt: Yom Kippur?
Jay: Call us up and atone people!
Matt: Hispanic Heritage Month?
Jay: I love Latinas.
Matt: Oh yeah!
Jay: OH! And the first ever CANADA REPORT W/ JAMIE!
Matt: That’s gonna be sooooooo hawt!
Jay: Hell yes!
Matt: And it’s National Farm Animal Awareness Week.
Jay: Hmm … Okay then: Food, Sex and Farm Animals!
Matt: Love it! Where did you get the sex part?
Jay: Food leads to sex.
Matt: Or is a substitute for it.
Jay: HA! Don’t I know it!
Matt: Poor nerd.

So be sure to tune into IWS Radio as we celebrate Food Sexand Farm Animals Sunday at 12 Noon ET!!