My Name Is Thanksgiving...Remember Me?

Hi all…Thanksgiving here for I’m With Stupid. Yeah…That’s right, I’m Thanksgiving.

An actual entity called Thanksgiving, talking to you from the pages of I'm With Stupid. Well, not an actual entity…perhaps more of a spiritual entity. And sadly…

Be I spiritual, or corporeal, an entity that has now grown old and hackneyed in the eyes, minds, and souls of many Americans.

I used to matter. Yep, it’s true.

Hell, for nearly 150 years I was a big deal. Ever since Lincoln called for a national day of Thanksgiving, families across America would once a year, gather ‘round their tables, break bread, repair old friendships, and once in awhile, begin new ones.

It was a day that the entire nation took a deep breath, reflected on its heritage, and showed appreciation for those who through immigration, religious persecution, or just plain luck, ultimately allowed those of us here today, to enjoy the fruits of this nation.

And now?

I Thanksgiving, have become but an oxymoron in that I am both an afterthought and noted precursor to the commercial hegemony that is Christmas.

I deserve more than that.

Thanksgiving is a time to reflect on the courage of those who offered America her chance at greatness when they landed on Plymouth Rock and elsewhere, in hopes of building a brighter future in the face of hunger, sickness, and more than a few pissed off Indians.

And…while it’s true that July 4, 1776 marks the birth of this great nation and we celebrate it magnanimously, the stubborn and fertile seed that was planted in order to make that happen, was sown when the brave and oppressed from Europe landed here some 150 years prior to that.

And on Thanksgivings prior, we as a nation, as neighborhoods, and as families, would celebrate the struggles of the Pilgrims and the arduous task of colonizing this country.

We would give thanks to those gone before us and more importantly to those with us, because just as the Pilgrims had to rely upon each other, we would recognize the fact that we rely upon our families and friends as well.

And then, just somewhat recently…the national camaraderie muted, the familial bonds loosened, and the hour glass speed at which we celebrated Thanksgiving and each other, turned into the break neck pace of a stopwatch counting down to the Christmas season.

I today, am but a shell of my former self. I get six hours tops.

People eat at one or so, make small talk, exchange Christmas wish lists, and then, after a post-tryptophan nap, hit the stores for Black Friday sales, in the name of celebrating Jesus, the Maccabees, and whomever or whatever.

I today, in this world of 24/7 Cable News, big box store sales, and instant messaging, have become an anachronism…nothing more than a Norman Rockwell painting that embodies the “quaint” times which define, Americana.

I’m saddened, but have a word or two of hope for you on the day which honors me…

For those of you who are taking the time to celebrate Thanksgiving with friends and family, God bless you, and may you delight in the warmth of good food, good wine, and good company for hours upon end.

For those of you who look at me but nothing more than a prologue to Christmas, God bless you as well and I hope you soon rediscover what Cicero said many centuries ago:

“A thankful heart is not only the greatest virtue, but the parent of all the other virtues.” 

Sincerely,

Thanksgiving

mattmaniws@ymail.com
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Matt and Jay All-Americans

Matt’s rockets glare red, Jay’s bombs burst in mid-air, You swell with patriotic pride.

Matt: GOD BLESS AMERICA!
Jay: AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL!
Matt: I’M PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN!
Jay: Damn, you’re really fired up about Team USA and the World Cup!
Matt: The World Whatsittowhosit?
Jay: The World Cup! The big soccer tournament thingy down in Brazil.
Matt: I believe they call it “Futbol”
Jay: No, I’m pretty sure it’s Brazil.
Matt: Noooooo … They call “soccer” “futbol” in other countries.
Jay: Well who cares. This is AMERICA DAMMIT!
Matt: Good point. Soccer it is!!
Jay: Right! So, are you watching it?
Matt: Nooooooooooooooo
Jay: Me too.
Matt: No, I said I’m NOT watching it.
Jay: Right. Me too. I’m not watching it too.
Matt: But, you ARE watching it.
Jay: Exactly.
Matt: GO USA!
Jay: Woooooooooooo!! MURICA! FUCK YEAH!

Jay: Anyway …. Warm out today.
Matt: Yup. Warmer than yesterday.
Jay: Mmm-Hmm Gonna be even warmer tomorrow.
Matt: Could get dangerously hot soon.
Jay: People should be sure to take precautions.
Matt: Bring in old people and check on their pets.
Jay: Kirk Douglas should be on top of this.
Matt: Umm … about Kirk.
Jay: Did he retire?
Matt: Kind of. He died.
Jay: WHAT????
Matt: Kidding! He’s alive. More or less.
Jay: So he retired?
Matt: Yeah.
Jay: We need a new weather guy?
Matt: Maybe one who brings a little more energy?
Jay: And doesn’t slobber so much?
Matt: And doesn’t need his diaper changed every three hours?
Jay: I’ll check Craigslist.
Matt: Pick a few candidates and interview them.
Jay: On the casting couch?
Matt: Don’t get us sued though.
Jay: Damn.

Matt: You know what we should do?
Jay: Lay down the boogie and play that funky music ‘til we die?
Matt: Noooooooooooooooo
Jay: Feel the rhythm getting stronger and do the conga beat?
Matt: Oh hell no!
Jay: Then what?
Matt: Celebrate the 4^th of July this Sunday and take next week off.
Jay: That’s way better than get down, turn around, go to town, boot scoot boogie.
Matt: Ummm … Only slightly.  I do love to line dance.
Jay:  We could talk about our love for America!
Matt: And play some great patriotic music.
Jay: Talk about our favorite Americans
Matt: And make some foreigners honorary Americans.
Jay: Nice! Little known facts about American history?
Matt: That was my next suggestion!
Jay: We are an educational show.
Matt: Yes we are!
Jay: There’s tons of stuff we can do for this show.
Matt: Hell yes. OH! Don’t forget we can make fun of the British.
Jay: Boy can we do that!
Matt: We don’t really even need a special occasion for that.
Jay: I’m feeling incredibly patriotic right now.
Matt: My love for America is growing as we speak.
Jay: Ew
Matt: Yeah that was getting awkward.
Jay: Anyway, let’s celebrate America!
Matt: Let’s do IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!

Be sure to tune into “4th of July 2014: America’s238th Anniversary of Snubbing the Brits” on IWS Radio this Sunday at 12 Noon ET!

Cut the Crap...It's Time To Celebrate America!!

So, today begins a IWS celebration of our nation’s 238th year of independence.

As he was Ben Franklin’s press secretary, I tried to get Larry King to sit down with me for an eyewitness account of what went down during our nation’s birth.

Unfortunately, Larry King was tied up announcing his retirement from CNN...yet again, which he had done years ago..

Anyhoo, the Fourth of July is fast approaching…

A time to celebrate our country’s origins through backyard barbeques, illegal fireworks, and pissing in one’s own backyard while the burgers cook.

It’s a time for drinking too much beer, and getting a domestic violence assault charge leveled against you as a result of the wife not buying enough Johnsonville Brats.

It is also a time when normally motionless mannequins everywhere, shudder at the thought that they may be used in the latest fireworks safety video.

I do, so love America!!

I spent my day at work yesterday, thinking about something…The Declaration of Independence.

Jefferson, Franklin, and Adams (John, not Maud) were the main writers.

Jefferson did the draft. Penis envy laden Adams whined about being one-upped, and Franklin offered revisions while in a drunken, but brilliant stupor.

TJ originally had written that Americans should have, “Life, Liberty, and Property.”

Ben Franklin suggested the famous, “Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.”

That suggestion was accepted after Jefferson initially shot down Franklin’s original idea of having the document read:

“Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of air baths, rum, and drunken, buxom wenches between dusk and dawn.”

Ben rocked.

Another little known fact is that while Patrick Henry was not a signer of the Declaration of Independence, the stern, fire and brimstone orator and patriot, had offered up an alternative declaration to King George III.

It read as follows…

“Yo, G-Man, sally forth, and go fuck thyself, you wig wearin‘ bitch. You‘re no King. You‘re a Princess, you girly man, you.”

Sadly, it wasn’t adopted by the Second Continental Congress…Pussies.

Funny thing about Patrick Henry. His quote, “Give me liberty or give me death.” has been edited over the years.

His actual quote was, “Give me liberty, or give me death…and veal. Yeah, give me veal too. It’s so tender.”

Patrick Henry could help topple governments AND appreciate a fine meal. So American!!

It’s all about our independence, baby!!  And….USA advancing in the World Cup of Soccer, is the dessert of putting Piers Morgan and his self-aggrandizing brethren in their place.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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Memorial Day 2014...Let's Party Somberly

This weekend in Bagwine, Ohio as well as throughout this great nation of ours…

Memorial Day Weekend will be giving birth to the long awaited season of warm sunny days, starlit nights, and profound reverence for America.

The sidewalks of Main Street USA will be lined with Chinese-made American flags, bemused children, hung-over parents, and patriotic lookers on-ers, as America celebrates her fallen soldiers, sailors, and Marines with dignity and honor in the form of out of tune H.S. marching bands, glad handing political hacks, and old men in fezzes driving clown cars, because…

Nothing says, “here’s to those who gave all on the beaches of Normandy”, quite like old, mothball smelling men wearing Devo hats, while driving shiny, happy Go-Karts!!  And then…

After Taps has been played and the “Amens” have all been said...

Mom will be off to the Memorial Day Sale at Macy‘s, and Dad will educate his son in the art of the deal, as he attempts to strike a good price on a new car by negotiating with a guy on stilts dressed as Uncle Sam at the local Buick dealership.

After that...The somber events of the mourning and reflection, must of course be balanced with a little fun.

Private and public swimming pools everywhere will be littered with splashing children and older pedophile types as the chlorine and pool filter systems work overtime in order to keep the urine and E. coli within acceptable levels.

As the day turns into early evening, a rebel family in Kansas will be having a blast playing with the last known set of "dangerous" illegal JARTS, while elsewhere in suburban America...

The beers will be popped open, the grills fired up, and kids will play croquet wearing chest protectors and bike helmets.

As the sun wanes, and the adults are left to their own devices…

A guy named Hank will pork his new neighbor Leon’s comely wife Ashanti, as Leon lies face down, passed out on a grill of hot coals, as he drank too much while grilling steaks in order to impress his new white friends in a neighborhood that was once “off limits” to “his kind”.

As dusk turns to night, the memories of the fallen laid to rest, and the DUI Checkpoints closed down, America will sleep well knowing that it is fucking amazing that we have somehow managed to last this long as a nation.

But then again…You know what the most amazingly patriotic thing to do for Memorial Day Weekend would be?

Listen to Jay, me, and the IWS Radio Players LIVE this Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio as IWS Radio presents, Grillin’ and Chillin’ With Controversial Ingredients.

In addition to honoring our fallen soldiers, we will somberly and soberly be talking about beer, summertime fun, and the most important thing about Memorial Day…cooking-out, and what are the best things to grill and chill with.

So there you have it America.  Honor the fallen and listen to IWS Radio this weekend, because if you do not?

You hate America, hate Macy’s, and hate the American automobile industry.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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How Vladimir Putin Can End the Shutdown and Restore America to Her Greatness

Cheeeeeers Chuckleheads and a Happy Weekend Eve Eve to one and all, especially to you Federal worker types whose weekend started this past Monday when you were furloughed.

It’s a sad state of affairs when y’all are sitting idle and without pay while all 535 members of the United States Congress are collecting their paychecks while making a mockery of statesmanship, common sense, and what it means to think beyond their next election.

But, and I hate to say this to any and all Americans who are reading this…

We are a representative democracy and we elected these people.  So…um, well…we have the government, or the lack thereof, that we deserve, and that is why government workers can’t go to the grocery for awhile.

However my friends, I do not pen upon this sacred IWS Radio page today to merely cast aspersions upon America and her people.  Nooooooo…You see?

Unlike the United States Congress, I am here to identify the problem with the state of our once great nation, and offer a solution.

So…To wit, heretofore, and with a hearty, here’s ya goes…Allow me to identify the problem, and offer my solution.

America is a great nation and with amber waves of great people but to be perfectly honest, Americans are also a populous stricken with a collective case of Anti-Attention Deficit Disorder.  It’s true.

Americans are all about instant gratification, a solid trusting in a monolithic set of “facts”, and a comfortable life within a bubble that contains a backyard grill, an ice cold Bud, and being left alone during football season.

A vast amount of Americans, want to pay attention to one thing, and one thing only…themselves.  And my friends, that is why, to that point, Americans are so duly, and well-represented within the no longer hallowed halls of Congress, but...

All is not lost, and there is a way to end this current government shutdown, and restore American greatness.

Remember the halcyon days of America from post-World War II 1946 through December of 1991?  I do…well some of it, but anyhoo…

There was a common thread of unity that ran red, white, and blue throughout every city, hamlet and burg of this great land.  It was a unifying thread of hate so strong, that even in the midst of racial inequality, gender inequality, and wire tapping skills over equality that upon which Americans could agree.

Our hate of Communism, and more specifically for that Great Godless Vodka Drinking Nosferatu of Two Continents, the Soviet Union.

We HATED the Soviets.

The Soviets were wicked and if they had a chance, they would convert your children to Stalinism and then eat them. We had a space race.  We had a nuclear weapons race.  We had a miracle on ice that brought all Americans together.

We wanted to beat them and we did, but then?

When we won the Cold War on December 26, 1991 when the Soviet Union officially dissolved, sadly, our national bond was dissolved as well.

Sure the 1990’s were a post-Cold War honeymoon full of peace dividend rewards, but then on September 11, 2001...The honeymoon was over and the booming U.S. economy was torn down with it.

America was perplexed.  You know why?

Many Americans can’t focus and agree or disagree with more than one thing at a time.  To hear that we were and continue to be attacked by groups like Al-Qaida, the Taliban, Syrian, Iranian, Left-Wing, and Right-Wing terrorists makes no sense.

That’s why many Americans today, Americans who are either rather far-left or far-right, focus on fellow Americans with polar ideologies.

Far Left Loonies line-up and blitz Rush, Sean Hannity and Ted Cruz…Simple enough.

Far Right Tea Drinkers get into a huddle and hate on Rachel Maddow, Chris Matthews, and President Obama.

In order to fix the logjam of hate that is cast upon our own, buy our own, we should build a Mount Rushmore of Soviet leaders with the heads of Stalin, Brezhnev, and Andropov in stone, so we can cast potatoes at them, so we never forget.

And then we can ask of, and turn a blind eye to, Vladimir Puitn re-establishing the former Soviet Union, and, if that happens?

We will all be OUTRAGED, and Congress will say…

“Obamacare?  Sure, why not…have all the fun you want with that.  But in addition, we need to immediately pass a comprehensive budget, and I don’t care what’s in it, as long as it includes funding for nukes.”

Nearly all Americans would rejoice and say...

"To Hell with Moscow!!  Fuck the Sputnik!!  Let Them Eat Taters!! Mike Eruzione Lives!!"

Unity once again!!  IKR!?  I am freaking brilliant!!

That my friends, is both my break-down as to what is happening, and my solution, but…I have one last thing to add.

Vladimir Putin?  America wants you on that wall.  We need you on that wall…We want you to rebuild that wall!!

And so does Sylvester Stallone, because if you restored the Soviet Union, downloads and subsequent royalties of Rocky IV would go through the roof!!

 здоровье!!

Matt-Man

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