Matt and Jay All-Americans

Matt’s rockets glare red, Jay’s bombs burst in mid-air, You swell with patriotic pride.

Matt: GOD BLESS AMERICA!
Jay: AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL!
Matt: I’M PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN!
Jay: Damn, you’re really fired up about Team USA and the World Cup!
Matt: The World Whatsittowhosit?
Jay: The World Cup! The big soccer tournament thingy down in Brazil.
Matt: I believe they call it “Futbol”
Jay: No, I’m pretty sure it’s Brazil.
Matt: Noooooo … They call “soccer” “futbol” in other countries.
Jay: Well who cares. This is AMERICA DAMMIT!
Matt: Good point. Soccer it is!!
Jay: Right! So, are you watching it?
Matt: Nooooooooooooooo
Jay: Me too.
Matt: No, I said I’m NOT watching it.
Jay: Right. Me too. I’m not watching it too.
Matt: But, you ARE watching it.
Jay: Exactly.
Matt: GO USA!
Jay: Woooooooooooo!! MURICA! FUCK YEAH!

Jay: Anyway …. Warm out today.
Matt: Yup. Warmer than yesterday.
Jay: Mmm-Hmm Gonna be even warmer tomorrow.
Matt: Could get dangerously hot soon.
Jay: People should be sure to take precautions.
Matt: Bring in old people and check on their pets.
Jay: Kirk Douglas should be on top of this.
Matt: Umm … about Kirk.
Jay: Did he retire?
Matt: Kind of. He died.
Jay: WHAT????
Matt: Kidding! He’s alive. More or less.
Jay: So he retired?
Matt: Yeah.
Jay: We need a new weather guy?
Matt: Maybe one who brings a little more energy?
Jay: And doesn’t slobber so much?
Matt: And doesn’t need his diaper changed every three hours?
Jay: I’ll check Craigslist.
Matt: Pick a few candidates and interview them.
Jay: On the casting couch?
Matt: Don’t get us sued though.
Jay: Damn.

Matt: You know what we should do?
Jay: Lay down the boogie and play that funky music ‘til we die?
Matt: Noooooooooooooooo
Jay: Feel the rhythm getting stronger and do the conga beat?
Matt: Oh hell no!
Jay: Then what?
Matt: Celebrate the 4^th of July this Sunday and take next week off.
Jay: That’s way better than get down, turn around, go to town, boot scoot boogie.
Matt: Ummm … Only slightly.  I do love to line dance.
Jay:  We could talk about our love for America!
Matt: And play some great patriotic music.
Jay: Talk about our favorite Americans
Matt: And make some foreigners honorary Americans.
Jay: Nice! Little known facts about American history?
Matt: That was my next suggestion!
Jay: We are an educational show.
Matt: Yes we are!
Jay: There’s tons of stuff we can do for this show.
Matt: Hell yes. OH! Don’t forget we can make fun of the British.
Jay: Boy can we do that!
Matt: We don’t really even need a special occasion for that.
Jay: I’m feeling incredibly patriotic right now.
Matt: My love for America is growing as we speak.
Jay: Ew
Matt: Yeah that was getting awkward.
Jay: Anyway, let’s celebrate America!
Matt: Let’s do IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!

Be sure to tune into “4th of July 2014: America’s238th Anniversary of Snubbing the Brits” on IWS Radio this Sunday at 12 Noon ET!