Jayman is Giving Up on Marriage

Holaaaaaaaaaaa y’all! As you may or may not recall, one of my New Year’s resolutions for 2014 was to get married. Yes it was. I even wrote about on this here blog. No, that wasn’t a joke! I was serious about that. I came to the conclusion that what’s missing in my life is the joy and companionship that only a life partner can provide. So, I set out to find a wife.

Well, it’s damn near October and I’ve made very little progress on the wife front. As you can imagine I’m very disappointed about this. I had hoped to be having an elaborate and beautiful wedding at the Justice of the Peace’s office by the time the college football season really got rolling. That would be about NOW if you didn’t know. As you can see, that hasn’t happened.

I have made the very difficult decision to suspend my search for a wife for the remainder of 2014. Obviously I consider this an embarrassing failure on my part and I take full responsibility for it. I should have done more, but I just didn’t. Now we’re staring down the barrel of the Holidays and it’s just too hectic a time of year to be wasting so much time on a fool’s errand.

I’ll have to resume my search sometime in early 2015. I’ll use these next three months, or what free time I have, evaluating what went wrong and what new strategies I can try when Wife Search 2015™ commences. One of the things I’m considering is widening the search area. Maybe not really widening the search area so much as changing the region I’m focusing on. I’m thinking about focusing on American women. Well, NORTH American women. I don’t think we can ignore Mexico and Canada. I’m sure I will come up with other ideas too.

There’s one other thing that has caused me to come to this decision. I have been very deeply affected by the news of George Clooney getting married over the weekend. I think Clooney getting married makes my failure to find a suitable wife all the more glaring. I don’t really blame George, but …. Well okay, I blame George a little. You see, George promised to provide all of us unmarried guys cover by never getting married again. He really let me down. What’s worse is that he suddenly gave up all the bimbos and married a human rights lawyer who is super smart and educated and all that shit. So, while George was wooing an Oxford and NYU Law School grad I was busy telling a sweet Asian girl on Facebook that she doesn’t have to call me “sir” and that “Daddy” would do just fine.

George’s marriage has made me question everything I’ve ever believed. I don’t know if I can ever forgive him for it, but I’ll try. I hope everyone understands my anguish and respects my decision.

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God, Gutfeld, and Stupid Questions

Cheeeeeeers and a Happy Monday to you all. Yesterday’s IWS Radio Show was so huge that Matt-Man was completely drained and had to rest up several hours afterward in order to post this.

It’s true…What went on you ask?  Let me tell you…

Dr. Gina Gentry Loudon and Rev. Moneymaker brought us all closer to God and were rewarded with pretty well-fitting dresses.

The CEO of Apple was thrown out of the closet.

Jayman and Matt-Man answered stupid questions from bosses they have had over the years.

IWS held a trial and the verdict is in…Greg Gutfeld is a dick.

We discussed our concern over the rabies epidemic that has broken out within the University of Michigan football program.

We discovered that the sports world is fertile ground for stupid questions.

Jesse Ferg and Jamie MapleLeaf got naked in the chat room.

And well…Jay and Matt we’re their usual charming selves.  If you have one laugh all day, it’ll be because you made the choice to listen to IWS Radio…

Do Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!

IWS Honors Derek Jeter as Person of the Week

IWS Radio would like to congratulate Derek Jeter on his amazing 20 year career with the NY Yankees. Jeter is one of the all-time great clutch players in any sport. Even if you aren't a Yankees fan, and even if you hate the Yankees and Yankees, fans you have to tip your hat to Derek and what he has accomplished in his 20 seasonS. Derek Jeter is one of the few to actually lived up to the hype. Baseball will miss him.

Aaaaaaaaaaaand be sure to tune into "It's a Stupid Day in the Neighborhood" on IWS Radio at 12 Noon ET!

Tomorrow Is Ask A Stupid Question Day!!

September 28, 2014 is a HUGE day. It’s Ask a Stupid Question Day, Good Neighbor Day, and yes kids…even, Rabies Awareness Day!!

Jay and Matt discuss all of the stupid questions ever asked by themselves and others.  Talk about both the best neighbors that they have ever had, and of course, the worst neighbors.  And!! Who doesn’t have a good story to tell about encountering a rabid animal?  Everyone does, including Jay and Matt.

So…Join Jay, Matt, and the hilarious troupe of IWS Radio Players as we, along with you and your phone calls, spend a stupid day along with good neighbors in the IWS Radio community.

We are going to tear this day up, especially if you help us along with your crazy questions, and wacky calls at 661.244.0852.

Did I sound like a third-rate DJ just then?  Damn right I did, and that was a stupid question.  See how easy it is to ask a stupid question?  See?  There’s another one.

So, c’mon folks lets light up the IWS Radio switchboard this Sunday LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET this Sunday with a barrage of stupid questions.

The stupider your question, the more we will love you!!

To catch Jay, Matt, and the hilarious troupe of IWS Radio players this Sunday, click HERE.

In Search of Moderate Syrian Rebels

Holaaaaaaaa y’all! As you probably know by now, the US Congress and Senate have given President Obama approval to identify and arm “moderate” Syrian Rebels to fight ISIS and whomever is a problem for us over there. Well, IWS World Media News has attained a copy of the questions that military advisors will be asking random Syrians to find these “moderate” rebels.

1. Are you now or have you ever been an extremist?

2. Do you think the offsetting personal foul call in football is appropriate?

3. Would you happily drive a light brown Honda Accord?

4. Do you enjoy it when David Broader writes about his bipartisan dreams in the WAPO?

5. Would you be perfectly happy living in the American Midwest?

6. Are you willing to do what’s right even though it might not be what’s popular?

7. John McCain: Great Maverick or Greatest Maverick EVAH?

8. Do you support REASONABL individual liberty and regulations in political and social reform?

9. Would you be willing to serve on a bipartisan blue ribbon committee?

10. Do you know pornography when you see it?

11. Do you usually prefer vanilla milk shakes?

12. Do you prefer a daily routine over just “winging it?”

13. Do you use food safe gloves when handling raw meats?

14. Are you a fan of simple plain hamburgers?

15. Do you type out then delete status updates and Tweets because you’re worried they might offend someone?

16. Are you unhappy with big changes?

17. Are you a “don’t sweat the small stuff” type of guy?

18. Do you think that both sides of any argument usually make some good points?

19. Do you reject labels?

20. Do you think both Fox News and MSNBC are too extreme?

I see no way this can go badly at all. Consider ISIS (or ISIL) as good as defeated!

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I Get A Hard-On For People Who Want It Both Ways!!

Cheeeeeeers and a Happy Tuesday to you all.  It’s a beautiful first full day of autumn in Bagwine, Ohio, but
my joy courtesy of such a beautiful day has been tempered by the ugliness and selfishness of certain people.

I hate to be a downer on this gorgeous autumnal day that God has given us, but damn it…I am sick and tired of people who have to have it both ways.  Y’know..?

People who want it now AND later.  Who want surf AND turf…And more importantly and unbecoming, people who want him AND her.

Uh-huh…that’s right.  Today my friends, is not only the first day of autumn, but it is also Celebrate Bisexuality Day!!  Really?

You know what pisses me off about bisexuals?  They think that the world is their all-you-can-eat buffet while more normal, less selfish folks order either meat OR seafood from the menu of life…Not Both!!

Bisexuals are also typically a wealthy famous ilk of people who are sooooooo important that they think that they can have anything that moves.  I can hear it now in a 1963 at a Los Angeles bowling alley…

“Hiiiiiiiiiiii Brian, way to pick up that 7-10 spare…I’m movie star Cary Grant.  I just fucked Dyan Cannon, would you like to rim me out after we’re done bowling?”

Disgusting.  Cary Grant could have had sex with any and every woman in the world, but noooooo, he had to have sex with every man in the world as well.  What a dick.

Hans Christian Andersen was silver skating between Danish men and women his entire life.  One day he would write an unpublished erotic novel that involved him and a buxom wench in a back alley in Copenhagen, and the next day?

He’d write a freakin’ fairy tale about a gay man on skates.  Only the gay talent of Danny Kaye could portray the bisexuality of Hans Christian Anderson straight as hell on the big screen.

Moby Dick, the all-time great novel by Herman Melville should have been titled, Moby Dexterous.  When The Herm-Man wasn't boinking his wife and producing four children, he was chummin’ and trollin’ for the great white whale that belonged to Nathaniel Hawthorne!!

Of course, Drew Barrymore has made no bones about her bisexuality.  While it is Drew were talking about, I can only give her a pass on her selfishness if she shares it with me.

And lastly…As if we don’t hate our legislators and their lies enough, I would respect Sen. Lindsey Graham at least a little bit, if he would come out of his gorgeous closet of lies, and admit that once in awhile, he loves to be treated like the lady that he is…

Have a Happy Celebrate Bisexuality Day, and as always…

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

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One Million Listeners Can't Be Wrong!

Sometimes you gotta mix in the funny with a little bit of the serious y’all. That’s what we did on IWS Radio this week. Sure, we brought the funny as usual with our wild and wacky stories and some help from our correspondents as always, but there were also some moments of seriousness from a caller. Matt and Jay are professionals though, so they were able to roll right along with the funny and the serious. Just as you would expect.

Matt shared another “never happened before” story from the Beer Mine. (Conveniently located at the corner of Elmore and Burnett Rds in Bagwine, Ohio.)

Jay shared his saddest and most unfortunate story from his quest to meet a potential life partner on Facebook.

Some impromptu advice on how NOT to apply for a job.

Jamies Winston seems to be a little out of touch with reality. Maybe he put on his uniform in his mother’s car outside the stadium?

Woooooooo Pig Soooooie

Don’t be afraid to run a naked bootleg every once in a while.

And interview with our 1,000,000^th listener Babatunde Campore who lives in Burkina Faso!

Whistling “God Bless America”

Discussing fears both real and imagined. Serial killers, raw poultry, dark and stormy nights, fear of success AND failure, dying alone, loneliness, rejection and on and on and on.

Took a call from the lovely and talented Scarlett Letters. Scarlett shared some of her fears. Many of those fears were the same as some of Jay’s fears!

How Matt and Jay overcame their fears and anxieties to start IWS Radio

An interesting call from Mark of Global Political Awareness where he talked about spiritual awakening and dealing with dangers all over the world.

Then Jamie Mapleleaf called and brought the charm as always!

Simon and Garfunkle closed us out!

What a show! You gotta check it out y’all!

                            

IWS Person(s) of the Week...Five Fearless Folks

At least in the realm of IWS Radio, today is “Always Do What You Are Afraid To Do Day.”  Both on the IWS website and on our radio show from Noon-2 PM ET later today, today is the day to admit our fears and begin a process in overcoming them.

Today of course is also Sunday, which means it’s time for the IWS Person(s) of the Week, and this week we honor five people who overcame their fears and went on to greatness…

Socrates…This great Greek philosopher was unabashedly firm in his belief of his philosophical teachings. The Greek powers that be were not impressed.  Socrates was arrested and after he refused to change his beliefs, he was killed.  Socrates learned that while the pen might be mightier than the sword, it is no match for hemlock.

Queen Boudicca…In the year 60 A.D., Boudicca led a revolt of Britons against the forces of Roman occupation.  While men on the British Isle remained as gay as the French are today, she led them into battle and nearly defeated the empirical Roman forces, but alas…it is presumed by the IWS research team that pre-menstrual cramps may have negatively affected her military acumen at a crucial time.

Frederick Douglass…The Fredster risked death to escape his life as a slave and wound up in New York to become one of the most effective and artful orators and writers of all-time as he wailed against the practice of slavery. When he died in 1895, he died knowing that all of our racial problems in the United States were behind us.

Maximilian Kolbe…During the Nazi occupation of Poland, Fr. Kolbe offered shelter to Polish Jews.  After being arrested twice by the Nazis, he was shipped to Auschwitz where he offered himself up and was killed in place of a Jew who was to be exterminated.  It was the last time a Catholic has ever offered up his body for something that wasn’t illegal.

Mikhail Gorbachev…Many people think highly of Mr. Gorbachev for having the courage to help lead the Soviet Union on the path to democracy, actually…He showed greater courage for going out in public with that big red stain thang on his head.

And there you have it folks…Five great people throughout history who have let loose their fears and have shown great courage.  You can do the same, and Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio team are here to help.

Listen to IWS Radio today LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET on Blog Talk Radio as we together admit our fears, face our fears, and work to overcome them as IWS Radio presents the, “Always Do What You Are Afraid To Do” episode.

To listen LIVE from Noon-2 PM ET click HERE.

J-Lo and Iggy's Booties LOVE IWS Radio!

Matt-Man and Jayman are a bit concerned about some of you people. Apparently, some of are willing to just let your fears run your lives. "I would have called in, but I was afraid to." Really? Why? "I'm afraid someone will say something mean about me?" Yeah? Well what if they do? Why do you care? Some anonymous jerk on the internet doesn't like you? Fuck 'em!

Look, we get it. It's hard to put yourself out there. There are lots of trolls and a-holes out there looking to say mean things. Maybe you WILL say something stupid. We all do! That's part of life. We have to stop being so scared of every little bitty thing. We have to overcome our fears and just do it.

IWS is here for you. Matt and Jay are going to help you overcome your fears and finally do whatever it is you've wanted to do. Want to write? You're welcome to post on iwsradio.com anytime. Want to speak your mind? 661.244.9852. What to record it or maybe record a song? Hit us up. We'll help you do it and play here on IWS.

Matt and Jay understand your fears cause we have them too. Sometimes fear wins, but you can't just give up. We'll be talking fears from the very real to the imaginary, but real to us. Call us up and share your fears and how you overcame your own fears. This might be our most inspiring show ever. Or something.

That's "Always Do What You're Afraid To Do" on IWS Radio Sunday at 12 Noon ET!!! 

Screw The Bad News...It's National Cheeseburger Day!!

Greetings and a Happy Thursday to you all. Y’know?

I was going to write about the ongoing NFL saga involving Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson, and Greg Hardy among others, but those stories have been beat to death…well to near death…leaving the bastion of integrity that is the NFL looking all black and blue.

So, I thought…

Hey!!  I can write about today’s vote that is taking place in Scotland over whether the Scots would like to secede from the United Kingdom or not.  But then I thought…

Oh sure, it would be interesting to see Scotland gain its independence, but in the end no matter what the outcome, Scottish and British food will still suck, so I decided to write about something that is uplifting and of which I am passionate….Cheeseburgers…and as fate would have it…

Today is National Cheeseburger Day!!

I don’t know about you, but for me, I would rather indulge my palate in an incredibly well prepared cheeseburger than a well cooked steak.  I mean c’mon…Look at this!!

It’s a beautiful sight, albeit to me a bit dry looking, so how about this work of greasy, cheesy, bovine on a bun glory!!?

Cheeseburgers come in all shapes…

Sizes…

In pizza form…

In meatball form…

And even, that’s right!!  Straight from a can!!

So folks, at least for today, let’s forget about all of the turmoil and bad news in the world and enjoy National Cheeseburger Day.  It’s exactly what the Doctor has ordered…

Cheers!!
Matt-Man

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Here's Some Headlines For Your Enjoyment

Holaaaaaaaaaaa! I think it’s time for more headlines, don’t you? Well, okay then …

Local man returns cat to the pet store because the cat doesn’t do anything cute or funny enough to make a video go viral on YouTube.

The U.S. State Department has order 160,000 hazmat suits to be used in case of an Ebola outbreak in the United States. Just enough for every member of the Duggar family.

Baltimore slugger Chris Davis was suspended 25 games after testing positive for PEDs. The league said Davis’ .176 batting average is what made them suspicious.

Neither John McCain nor Lindsay Graham will be on any of the Sunday talk shows as they have run out of countries on Earth for America to invade.

After months of endless strategy sessions trying to figure out how to deal with the popularity of minimum wage ballot measures in Arkansas, republicans have finally settled on a strategy. They’re just going to claim they’re in favor of the initiative and have been all along.

Nancy Pelosi: “Not to alarm anyone or anything, but if the republicans take over the senate it will be the end of civilization as we know it.”

Sarah Palin plans to save her “Sarah Palin Channel” from disappointing subscription numbers by playing the EPIC ALASKAN BRAWL on the channel 24/7.

“Orange is the New Black” creator has also decided that pussy is the new dick.

Ray Rice shows a lot of fight. Says he will appeal indefinite suspension and vows to beat it.

Lindsay Lohan is “determined” to win an Oscar. In related news, Jayman is “determined” to spend a weekend locked in a penthouse suite with Elizabeth Hurley.

Area man says after weeks of doing his best to avoid them, he has now ACCIDENTALLY seen all of the leaked nude pics of Kate Upton and Jennifer Lawrence and feels terrible about it.

Theodore J. Flicker, the man who created “Barney Miller” gives up on trying to outlive Abe Vigoda. He was 84.

Robin Thicke admits to drug addiction and that he didn’t actually write “Blurred Lines.” Actually, nobody will admit to writing “Blurred Lines.”

The Minnesota Vikings have decided to activate Adrian Peterson despite his being indicted on child abuse charges. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell insists he hasn’t seen the pictures of the child’s injuries.

Urban Outfitters apologized for selling offensive Kent State shirts that had blood splatter stains on them. They also agreed to cancel the big order for “Sandy Hook Elementary” sweatshirts they were planning on selling this winter.

Coca-Cola is hoping to create a little 90’s nostalgia by bringing back Surge Cola. Also hoping to bring back 90’s nostalgia …. HILLARY CLINTON!

English golfer Andy Sullivan won a free trip to outer space for scoring a hole in one at the KLM Open over the weekend. Sullivan’s reaction was “what was wrong with just giving away cars like they used to?”

Kanye West stopped his concert in Australia the other night demanding that a man in a wheel chair stand up and dance like everyone else. After the show he asked a kid with no arms if he’d like to play catch. Then he challenged a man with one leg to a butt kicking contest. Then he told a blind man “I bet you’re really good at playing ‘Marco Polo.’” Then he was heard screaming “I SAID THANKS FOR COMING TO MY FUCKING SHOW! AREN’T YOU LISTENING? HOW ‘BOUT A FUCKING YOU’RE WELCOME?” to a deaf lady.

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Boobies, Jamie, and Making Fun of Child and Wife Beaters

Happy Monday all you bitches!!

Oh…why do I say bitches?  Well let me tell ya….

IWS Radio wanted to get, set up to get, and expected to get, a plethora of phone calls this week.  And? What DID IWS Radio get as far as the amount of phone of calls?

Heartache.

Oh sure…We got a hot, sexy, and comforting call from Jamie, but other than the hot Canadian action we received from the sexy Miss Mapleleaf, we got nothing.  The sexy quality was more than enough, but we could have used more in the quantity action.

However, the IWS Radio players persevered.

Bobby Kraft was all upset over the fact that IWS didn't get any phone calls, and then he had some ideas on how to get some phone calls.

Our travel editor Rand McNally took us, our imagination, and his lisp along a journey through Canada, Ireland, and places that include the dirty industry of youth hostels.

Jesse Ferg was in the room and he was childish as always…so we laughed.

The lovely Karen sang Cher better than Cher during out first installment of The IWS Half Dead Duo Society.

Jay and Matt decided that they will do a masturbation show in the future.

Jimmy Three Fingers Tortelli will give 60% when IWS does that show.  And dig it…

Jay and Matt made fun of women who hate other women, as the comedic duo pointed out the disparaging comments that were made when IWS posted the latest Tamra picture…By Other Women!!  Awful hatred right there.

Jay and Matt gave ample shit to Adrian Peterson, Ray Rice, and the NFL…And Jamie?  While she loves Jay and Matt, she called in and gave ample shit to both of them as well.

In other words, the show was as always, hilarious and empty of a lot of phone calls.  So…

GIVE IT A LISTEN TO OUR SHOW IN ARCHIVES RIGHT HERE!!  or...listen here...

IWS Listeners are Our Persons of the Week!

As you may or may not know, IWS Radio very likely will go over 1,000,000 listens this week. This is a very exciting milestone for Matt-Man and Jayman and they want everyone who has ever listened to even a single episode to know that they are very much appreciated. We love every single one of you guys!

IWS listeners are ...

Smart: 

Funny: 

Cute: 

Athletic: 

Talented:

Successful:  

And, just all-around great human beings. Thanks so much for your support! Also, don't forget to call in and talk about anything that's on your mind on "Open Phone Lines and Boobies" on IWS Radio at 12 Noon ET!!!

Adrian Peterson: "IWS Radio Is The One Thing You CAN'T Beat."

Hi all…Minnesota running back Adrian Peterson here for IWS Radio.

Ya know?  This Sunday I will be inactivated and will be sidelined by alleged child abuse charges of which I have more or less admitted to, and of which have been well-documented, however…

I am kinda happy about that because it will give me a Sunday off to do what I like to do in the off-season…listening to Jay and Matt on the IWS Radio Show with a bottle of Courvoisier and a bag of fallen tree leaves at the ready should somebody trouble me, and interrupt my down time and entertainment.

As a NFL All-Star Running Back I expect to be treated as such, and IWS Radio always brings me an All-Star performance.  Jay and Matt will be talking about many things this Sunday.  In addition to talking about the bullshit child abuse charges leveled against me, the IWS Radio PR Department says this…

There is so much going on this week that Jay and Matt and the IWS Radio team can’t break it all down themselves. Going to war with ISIS…Ray and Janay Rice…Roger Goodell and the NFL lying to and hiding from themselves…Wacky goings on in Redneckville, AR. and Bagwine, OH…IWS Radio’s Miss 4th of July’s boobies are out of control, and of course, IWS Radio is on the brink of celebrating its 1,000,000th listener!!

With so much going on we need your help to process all of these goings on, so…We NEED YOUR PHONE CALLS.  C’mon people dial us up, and let us know how you feel about all of the craziness that is going on in our wacky world.  From start to finish, this show is all about your thoughts.  Let’s make 661.244.9852 a Party Line.

Sounds like an awesome time.  You can’t beat that level of fun and frivolity with a stick, and trust me…I've tried. And those out of control boobies?  I’d love to show them some Adrian Peterson discipline, but…

I digress.

So, to make a long distraction away from my legal and moral problems short…Listen to Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio Players LIVE this Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET on Blogtalk Radio, as they air their Open Phone Lines and Boobies episode.

Hell…I may even call in to apologize for the disgusting things that I may or may have not carried out upon a four year old.  But to find out if I do?

Listen to IWS Radio LIVE this Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET, by clicking HERE.

Roger Goodell is an Arrogant, Lying Sack of Shit

Holaaaaaaaaaaa! IWS World Media Entertainment Sports Division has exclusively acquired the transcript from the NFL War Room. The following discussions took place beginning a few minutes after the video of Ray Rice beating Janay Palmer inside that elevator through mid-day Wednesday. It’s a truly fascinating look behind the scenes of North America’s most powerful sports league.

NFL Flunky: Commissioner Goodell! I need to speak to you in private.

Goodell: This better be important.

Flunky: It is! A new video of Ray Rice hitting his wife has emerged. It’s really horrible!

Goodell: FANTASTIC! Get the cameras set up. I love a chance to drop the hammer of justice on players.

Flunky: Oh, no sir, uh …. It’s not a new incident. It’s the video from INSIDE the elevator of that casino.

Goodell: GAWD-DAMMIT! I was told that that video had been destroyed … uh … I mean, what video?

Flunky: Do you want to see it? It’s really bad?

Goodell: I’ve already seen it. I mean, it won’t be necessary. We’ve got to get to work. Assemble the PR Team!

Flunky: Who is the PR Team, sir?

Goodell: Peter King, Chris Mortensen, Adam Schefter and the rest.

Flunky: What’s the official line going to be?

Goodell: That we’ve never seen this video before today!

Flunky: There’s a problem with that.

Goodell: Oh really?

Flunky: Back in February we told them that we HAD seen the video and that it exonerates Ray and that Janay attacked him.

Goodell: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand it doesn’t show that?

Flunky: No sir.

Goodell: Who was the moron who told them THAT then??

Flunky: Uh, you were sir.

Goodell: *stares*

Flunky: I’ll look into it and find out who did that sir!

Goodell: Okay, call Baltimore and tell them to release Ray Rice.

Flunky: Good idea sir!

Goodell: Then, after they do that I’ll suspend him indefinitely.

Flunky: But, you’ve already ruled on this case sir.

Goodell: Right!

Flunky: So you can’t suspend him again.

Goodell: Who’s gonna stop me?

Flunky: The players union?

Goodell: Exactly! If we can get the union to file a grievance we’ll be the good guys again!

Flunky: OMG! You’re brilliant sir! They’ll be defending a wife beater!

Goodell: I amaze myself sometimes.

Flunky: What if the union doesn’t do anything?

Goodell: Better set up a one-on-one interview for me with someone.

Flunky: ESPN? Fox Sports? Bob Costas!!

Goodell: CBS! They’ve got Thursday night games for one season only, but want the next five also. No way they would risk that! Tell them they’ve got some really nice NFL shows and specials and making a lot of money and you’d hate for something bad to happen to that.

Flunky: Brilliant again sir! Jim Nantz? He’s at his goomah’s. I have the number.

Goodell: No …. It needs to be a woman who does the interview.

Flunky: I am in awe of you right now Mr. Goodell.

Goodell: Okay, I want confusing and conflicting stories put out there. The only clear part will be that I have never seen the video. Tell Baltimore they’re on their own, but let them know what we’re up to. More or less. Also, use your burner phone and get a hold of King, Mort and Schefty. Let them know that we’re aware of their predicament, but if they take one for the team there will be a reward down the road. They’re all young men. They have many years of being NFL insiders ahead of them. They have kids, grandkids and families to think about.

After I do the interview on CBS I want you to put out yet another statement. Wait, make it a letter to every team in the league. In THAT letter claim that we made several attempts to acquire the video, but we rebuffed.

Flunky: But, that will contradict everything said up to that point.

Goodell: *looking out the window at the New York City skyline” …. Exactly! Several different stories to confuse people with one common thread running through all of them.  

Flunky: What’s that sir?

Goodell: Roger Goodell didn't do anything wrong.

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