Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Fun Facts About Celebrities

Hola celebrity worshipers and casual fans of pop culture! If you watched the Golden Globes on Sunday THEN SHAME ON YOU CAUSE THAT MEANS YOU DIDN’T LISTEN TO IWS RADIO AND THAT REALLY HURTS then you know that while E! Entertainment TV was doing their Red Carpet show these little “fun facts” kept popping up. They were full of fascinating and exciting little tidbits about people such as Michael J. Fox …


See? Isn’t that fun? I’m guessing the person who posted that “fun fact” might be worried that his or her job security is a little shaky right now. Anyhoodle, the brilliant and hardworking folks at IWS have uncovered lots of really cool “fun facts” about some other celebrities.

- Lindsay Lohan once shotgunned a pint of Wild Irish Rose in a desperate attempt to get Matt-Man to leave Schmoop and run away with her. Matt was so disgusted that Lindsay thought he could be swayed but such shallow behavior he threw her out of the Beer Mine.

- Joseph Gordon-Levitt actually pays Zooey Deschanel $10,000 a month to pretend to be his friend so he’ll look much cooler than he really is.

- Taylor Swift was born bald and naked and while lying in a NICU bed she made a promise to herself that she would never be either of those things again.

- Reese Witherspoon had a prosthetic chin surgically implanted so she didn’t have to worry about being “perfect.”


- Whenever Bradley Cooper is offered a movie role by his agent, he asks “Is Jennifer Lawrence in it? If not, no thanks.”

- Sharon Stone calls maintenance as asks them to check her stove cause “it’s making weird noises.” While he’s doing that, she sits at the dining table and reenacts that infamous leg crossing scene from “Basic Instinct.” It never works.

- George Clooney often stands in front of the mirror and says “What’s wrong with me? Why do women just use me for fame and money and then dump me when I start talking commitment and marriage?”

- In 1996 Tara Reid realized the only way she was going to be taken seriously in Hollywood, and America, was to burn all of her critiques of the works of Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn and take on a “dumb blonde” persona. It worked because of her amazing acting skills.


- Whenever he’s asked about his miraculous recovery from a neck injury and multiple surgeries right after taking mysterious trips to Germany to get “stem cell” injections, Payton Manning says “Damn, that Alex Rodriguez sure is an embarrassment to professional sports, huh?”

- Giada De Laurentiis once cussed out an old man at the farmer’s market when he told her that he had already sold out of arugula. She then sat down on the ground and had a good cry for fifteen minutes.

- Joan Rivers won the Brooklyn Pole Dancing competition in 1950, narrowly beating out Barbara Walters.

- One day Lena Dunham was trying to figure out how to cover up the fact that she’s the poster child for white privilege and nepotism when she suddenly had a brilliant idea. “I won’t shower for like three days and I won’t wash my hair or clothes for two weeks. Then, I’ll get naked in front of everyone and be really obnoxious about it in a crummy show on HBO. Then, I’ll go out in public wearing clothes that don’t fit me at all, along with the no shower routine and if ANYONE says ANYTHING negative I’ll accuse them of being a misogynist or if it’s a woman, I’ll claim she’s killing feminism.”  It turned out to be the most brilliant marketing strategy in the history of celebrities.


Whoa! Lots of fascinating little known “fun” facts about some of the world’s favorite celebrities, huh?



Monday, January 13, 2014

Valentine's Day 2014, Best and Worst Gift Ideas

Cheeeeeeeers Bitches and a Happy Tuesday to you all.

Not only is today Tuesday, it is January 14th which means not only is it, Dress Up Your Pet Day for those of you who are so inclined to embarrass your pet by dressing him or her up, but…

January 14th is also, One Month Before the Day You Either Get Hot Sex or Smacked in the Face by Your Wife/Girlfriend/Mistress on Valentine’s Day Day.

That’s right guys, you have thirty days to prepare for the onslaught of sneers, jeers, or cheers that you receive from the woman in your life and her femme friends. So, I am here to make certain that you will hear nothing but cheers.

Oh, and you ladies who have been directed to this blog entry?  Disregard it, because well, as well all know, you do nothing on Valentine’s Day other than bitch about what you didn’t get from that special man in your life, so…

To wit and heretofore, are my best and worst gift ideas for the guys to buy for Valentine’s Day 2014...

Yesterday, I mentioned flowers in a Facebook comment of mine, women seem to dig flowers.  Terrible idea.

Flowers are temporary, die quickly, and with their death, so does your relationship.  If you want to give a woman something that temporarily fills them up, yet leaves them satisfied, send them a grilled ham ‘n’ cheese sandwich and some fries.  And?

Knowing my buddy Jayman as I do, he would say…

“And don’t go on the cheap, send them a fresh, crisp pickle spear along with it!!”

Some guys are goaded feel like because they are pussy whipped they have to want to go big time into buying overpriced jewelry for Valentine’s Day…Don’t…Do…It!! Bad gift idea.

When a guy buys his honey fancy jewelry, she will at first go nutsy Fagan all over it, but then she will pause, and think…

“That lying bastard must be cheating on me in order to buy me something this fancy.”

If you do want to buy your lady something shiny to wear, buy her a pair of steely, sparkling handcuffs.

Along with the cuffs, you could give her a sweet card that reads…

“You have made my heart your prisoner, and now, will you please be mine?”  See?  That’s HOT!!

And if she doesn’t like them, you can always give them to your mistress, which was your final intention and hope anyway.

Speaking of mistresses…If you have a wife and a mistress, be a good guy and gift give equally.  You don’t want to hurt the feelings of either of them, so…

Give them the same gift.

Buy each of them a ticket for a seven day Caribbean cruise so while both are asea, you can pick up a new girlfriend in addition to your mistress and wife, thereby completing the hat trick, Holy Trinity, and batting for the cycle of lewd behavior.

Just make sure the tickets for the wife and mistress are for different cruises. You wouldn't want your wife and mistress to spontaneously meet, talk nonchalantly, and during their friendly discourse, discover that you were the one who bought both tickets.

And?  If all of this advice is too much to digest and seems too complicated for you guys out there, do what my BFF Schmoop and I do on Valentine’s Day.

Order a pizza, drink some beer, peruse Facebook, and laugh at all of the posts reflecting the joy and sadness of which ladies got the bonanza, and which ladies got the heartache.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

Last night was yet another EPIC episode of IWS Radio. Matt and Jay are normally not all that confrontational and they HATE to criticize, but sometimes it’s necessary to call some people out. That’s exactly what your heroes at IWS did.

Matt and Jay took down just about everyone at MSNBC and only really had one conflict. Matt is a fan of cute little Ethra Klein while Jay doesn’t find him all that appealing. Matt also heaped praise on Morning Joe which Jay has no opinion on because the show is over before he gets out of bed each morning.

Some other people that were roasted (kinda) include Tina Fey, Chuck Todd, Bill Simmons, Jalen Rose, Doug Collins, Harold Ford Jr, and of course, Chris Christie. In fact, we had exclusive audio from Chris Christie doing karaoke this weekend at a dive bar in Jersey City.

In addition to that excitement, Dixie Ozark had an exclusive interview with Chris Christie “associate” Jimmy “Three Fingers” Tortelli which was eye-opening and a little scary. Kirk Douglas chimed in with the weather and (s)he talked about some of the strange changes (s)he has undergone since being sick. Al Sharpton sat in for Paul Piatt, Slyder Ballzcock celebrated the Russian ladies curling team and then took a run at Bob Costas. Bobby Kraft went in on President Obama, Tom Cotton and Congressman Cotton’s prissy, finger-wagging mother. Aaaaaaaaaand Rachel Maddow contributed in a big way to the show.

Then we took a call from JesseFerg and um, “celebrated” another one of the great shows on the BlogTalkRadio Network.


All in all, a great show! Definitely check it out!


Popular Comedy Internet Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio


Yeah, I know I've been a little critical of her in the past (and maybe last night) but doesn't Tina Fey look terrific? And JesseFerg insists that she hasn't had any work done. He knows these things.



Saturday, January 11, 2014

IWS Person of the Week...Ariel Sharon

It is with very heavy hearts that Jay, Matt, and the staff of IWS Radio pile on the condolence machine with the passing of former Israeli Prime Minister and the embodiment of male Hebrewliciousness, Ariel Sharon.

And, in honor of his passing, IWS Radio has honored him as our IWS Person of the Week.

A true Israeli patriot, he cut quite the dashing figure in his early years as a military stud...


His diplomatic skills were unmatched as well as he gave a wink and a nod to Lebanese Christians who slaughtered defenseless, yet ill-tempered Palestinian folks who resided in a refugee camp...


In spite of him slipping into a coma some years ago, Ariel Sharon checked in with us nearly every show in the past couple of years thanks to our IWS Israeli correspondent, Masada Schlongstein...


Even our former hot, bi-sexual curious correspondent Kim Fragile would spend hours in and out of Ariel Sharon's coma bed...


Ariel Sharon was very near and dear to the hearts and souls of all us here at IWS Radio, and in addition to naming Mr. Sharon our person of the week, we send a hearty, hail and farewell to the Great Whitish Yahwhale who wails no longer...


Here's to Ariel Sharon, may his faculties return when he enters the Kingdom of Heaven.

And in other news...

Jay, Matt, and the IWS Radio team are bringing the funny tonight as they cut down some self-involved big shots like a mob of pissed off Christians mowing down a Palestinian refugee camp, as IWS Radio broadcasts LIVE from 8-10 PM ET.

Join us LIVE tonight on Blog Talk Radio as we broadcast our Hit With Me Your Best Shot Show LIVE from 8-10 PM ET.

To join the fun, frivolity, and satirical decapitation of assholes in politics and media, click HERE!!

Friday, January 10, 2014

MSJS: FIRE AT WILL!

Matt: Cheers ‘n shit.
Jay: Holawhatever.
Matt: Dude you need to cheer up.
Jay: I DO??? Sheesh.
Matt: Things have just been …. Blah lately.
Jay: A little Seasonal Affective Disorder
Matt: I guess.
Jay: But, things are looking up!
Matt: True. Schmoop got her unemployment!
Jay: And the ice and snow is about to melt away!
Matt: True. There are positive things happening.
Jay: And Britney Spears won a People’s Choice Award!
Matt: I’m so glad she’s back.
Jay: America is a better place when Britney is around.
Matt: Word.


Matt: So what was for supper?
Jay: You mean dinner?
Matt: What’s that?
Jay: That’s what you have as your evening meal?
Matt: Huh. Okay what was for supper?
Jay: Is that the evening meal?
Matt: It’s gonna be you LAST supper if you keep doing this!
Jay: Damn you’re touchy.
Matt: I’M ON EDGE JAYMAN! I’M ON EDGE!
Jay: Goodness! I had red beans and rice.
Matt: Oh, that’s not too bad at all.
Jay: IKR?! Whatchu havin’?
Matt: Chicken patties. Schmoop already made them.
Jay: Damn, that Schmoop is pretty thoughtful.
Matt: She’ll surprise you sometimes.
Jay: SNEAKY THOUGHTFUL!
Matt: Scrappy!
Jay: That’s how white women are.
Matt: True dat.
Jay: It doesn’t come naturally to them either.
Matt: God no! They have to work at it.


Jay: HEY! I know what always cheers you up.
Matt: What’s that?
Jay: Doing “hit pieces” on people.
Matt: Oooooo … that is always a good pick-me-up!
Jay: So let’s do it!
Matt: Who? Where? When?
Jay: On the show! Let’s take down all the a-holes!
Matt: I like it!
Jay: Just think of who you can’t stand.
Matt: Hmm … Sean Hannity, Al Sharpton, Rachel Maddow.
Jay: There you go. Take ‘em down this week.
Matt: We can do it! Who’s in your crosshairs?
Jay: Maybe Chris Hayes. Skip Bayless. A few others.
Matt: Jerks!
Jay: IKR? Also, maybe other pet-peeves.
Matt: Like?
Jay: Kids, old people, theme parties. Stupid shit.
Matt: There’s sooooo much stupid shit going on.
Jay: We can do this!
Matt: We MUST do this!
Jay: Oh one other person who needs the IWS treatment badly.
Matt and Jay: CHRIS CHRISTIE!!!!
Matt: Set phasers to destroy!
Jay: Let’s get to battle stations!
Matt: READY. FIRE. AIM!!!



Be sure to tune into “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” on IWS Radio Sunday night at 8 PM ET!!! 

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Chris Christie on BridgeGate...Yes I Did It!!

Happy Friday to all of you IWS Radio fans.  New Jersey Governor Chris Christie here to guest write on the
monumental pages of the IWS website.

Seems that Matt-Man watched my entire Sen. Ted “I’m One of the Few Gay Men in Texas” Cruz length press conference that I held yesterday and called me shortly afterward, to berate, belittle, and beseech me to be myself, and tell the truth.

Well, thanks to the, “Come to Jesus” phone conversation we had…yeah, a phone call…I no longer like e-mails, y’know Ha!!…Matt-Man convinced me to come clean, and as he put it in lingo I can understand, said…

“You fucking pussy, Scots-Irish, self-proclaimed Sicilian badass, you…tell the truth and quit being such a fucking Mary.”

He’s right, and today?

I am here to tell you…I did indeed orchestrate this entire bridge closing thing, but not because I’m a bully, which I’m not; nor is it because I am a politician with high aspirations, which I am…

It’s because I am at the very heart, soul, and core of my being, a speculative ironic comedian, and my ironic humor is lost on people.

Hell, this entire humorous bridge closing caper that left Ft. Lee, NJ. an island unto itself, and left a soon to be dead woman…well dead, was thought of because my now unemployed Deputy Chief of Staff Bridget Kelly’s name is, BRIDGEt.

Ha…Was that fact lost on you non-ironic picking up motherfuckers?  Holy Cow people, I even have a daughter named BRIDGEt for God Sakes, could we pay attention to my humor, please!?

As for Ft. Lee Mayor Mark Sokolich? Don’t you people see the statement I was making with my bridge closing to Ft. Lee?

Mayor Sokolich is of Serb-Croat descent and I was, for a short time, dividing up New Jersey into isolated and autonomous principalities, just like when Yugoslavia broke up.  I was ironically, and whimsically making the ungrateful bastard feel at home. And what do I get?

Heartache and disrespect!!  I swear to God; if Rodney Dangerfield was a Governor, he’d be me.

You know, people give me shit for being anti-gay marriage to an extent.  Do you not see the humor in that? Have you people seen my wife?  She’s a man, Baby!!

Do you think that happens by accident?  Hell NO it doesn’t; I meticulously plan these ironic events and punch lines of life.

I am sooooooo wayyyyyyy fucking ahead of the general population, humor wise!!

Do you think I am fat because I’m just fat because of an uncontrollable urge for delicious, deep-fried food? Hell no…I worked on that as well, you know why?

When some asshole state legislator approaches me and asks…

“Hey Governor Christie, shouldn't you like…um…work a salad into your diet?”

I respond by saying…

“I would, but I have eaten so much of your wife’s pussy that I don‘t have room.”

Ha!!

See?  See?  I am dynamic, ironic, and funnier than fuck, and you guys?

Well…you just don’t get it, and that hurts to some extent, but hey…

I’ll live to joke another day, because, well…that’s what I live for…to make people smile, laugh, and who knows?

Maybe instead of being elected President in 2016, I’ll get a late night comedy show called, Bridge-It With Chris Christie.

I’d like that, now…

Thanks, and go fuck yourselves.  Ha!!  I meant that ironically!!

Gov. Chris Christie

mattman@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Bobby Petrino: Coaching Mercenary

Holaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa y’all! It’s yet another cold snowy, sleety, shitty night here in Rendneckville, but apparently is a warm and exciting in Louisville, Kentucky! Former UofL, and Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino is returning to where his legendary coaching career really took off and will once again be the head football coach of the Cardinals. Those folks at Louisville are good, decent and forgiving people. Well, either that or they’re like a battered wife who keeps taking her abusive husband back. I’m not totally sure.


Let’s take a look at Petrino’s qualifications for the job …

- While head coach of the Louisville Cardinals he racked up a 41-9 record, led them to four bowl games including a BCS bowl!

- While head coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks he cleaned up the mess left by Houston Nutt and was 21-5 in his last two seasons including a win in the Cotton Bowl and an appearance in the Sugar Bowl.

- In his one season at Western Kentucky he led the Hilltoppers to a respectable 10-2 record.

Wow! That is impressive! If you also include his years as offensive coordinator and quarterbacks coach at various big time colleges and NFL teams you can see that Louisville got themselves one hell of a coach. But, what ELSE is on his resume?

- After his second season as offensive coordinator for Jacksonville, Petrino “disappeared” a day or so after the season ended. Nobody knew where he was or what he was doing. The next day they all found out he had taken the offensive coordinator position at the University of Auburn without telling anyone.

- In 2003 when Petrino was the first year head coach at Louisville he secretly met with officials from Auburn University. They discussed their plans to oust AU head coach Tommy Tuberville and bring him in as the head coach. The meeting was found out and the coup fell apart and Petrino had to go on the apology circuit.

- In 2004 Petrino secretly met with people from Florida, Mississippi and Notre Dame about their open coaching positions. None of the jobs panned out and he assured everyone he didn’t want to be anywhere but Louisville so they have him a new five year contract. Five days later he secretly met with LSU about their coaching job which eventually went to Les Miles.

- In the summer of 2006 Petrino signed a 10 year $25 million dollar contract with Louisville. In January of ’08, just six days after the Orange Bowl, he left Louisville for the Atlanta Falcons.

- With three games left in a miserable first season in Atlanta, Petrino informed owner Arthur Blank that he was resigning and said goodbye to the other coaches. He then got on a plane and flew to Fayetteville, Arkansas where he was introduced as the new head coach of the Razorbacks.

- On April 1 2012, Petrino was in a serious motorcycle accident. After insisting for several days that he was alone in the accident, he finally admitted that he had a rider on his bike. The rider was 25 year old Jessica Dorrell, who he admitted to having an “inappropriate relationship” with. A few days later we all found out that Jessica had also recently been hired into a position within the UofA’s athletic department which answered directly to Petrino. We also found out that she had no qualifications for this position and all other candidates who were passed over were all very qualified.  Oh, and Petrino had also giving Dorrell, who was engaged, a $20,000 “gift.” So, the UofA fired understandably fired him.


Woo-Weeeee! What a hell of a guy you’ve got Louisville! You must be so proud. Well, I’m sure Rick Pitino is happy now that he’s the SECOND sleaziest coach at that school. I’m sure you guys are all reassuring each other with statements like “Bobby knows he can’t screw up again” or “Bobby knows he has to straighten up and fly right” and other bullshit. Just admit that you put winning above all else and enjoy all the wins Petrino will bring you. Even though I know you will, please try not to act surprised when he fucks you guys over a second time. That’s what happens in these abusive relationships.