Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is Person of the Week!

The IWS Person of the Week this week is Toronto’s fun-lovin’ goodtime guy Rob Ford!

Sure, most people think he’s the real life Peter Griffin …

But, he’s also a guy who loves to celebrate the diversity of his beloved city of Toronto

Aaaaaaand he’s been accused of being a crack addict. But really, don’t we all have our little character flaws? Who among us HASN’T had a little crack problem at some time in our lives? Fact of the matter is Mayor Ford is doing a pretty damn good job and has represented the city of Toronto with professionalism and dignity on the world stage.

Toronto should be proud!

Be sure to tune in to IWS Radio at Noon today as Matt and Jay talk about relationships and why they hurt so much. 

Matt Said, Jay Said...11032013

Matt shames.  Jay seeks.  You say, “That sounds about right.”

Matt:  How the hell are ya?
Jay:  I’m good.  I feel like a new person.
Matt:  Really?  In a good way?  Wow, why is that?

Jay:  Well, I am branching out socially.  I am seeking out new friends on social media sites.
Matt:  Why?
Jay:  Because I strongly yearn to meet new and interesting people.
Matt:  You?  Seriously?
Jay:  Well, yeah…in part…and it helps to pad my friends and follower numbers.
Matt:  I see…

Jay:  Dude…It’s all about building relationships.
Matt:  Relationships are important if not intrusive, whether we want them or not.
Jay:  Exactly.  And man…I am building them.  My efforts have garnered us like 20 “likes” on our FB page.
Matt: I saw that.
Jay:  And I have met a few folks who have thus far pretended to like me for the time being.
Matt:  Well Hell…That makes it all worthwhile.
Jay:  I know, right?

Matt:  Hmmmmmm….
Jay:  What?  Did you just think of something deep, or are you experiencing an aneurysm?
Matt:  Y’know, Jayman…This Sunday we could talk about relationships.  All types of relationships.
Jay:  Relationships do come in many different packages.
Matt:  Yes they do.

Jay:  There are your friend relationships and family relationships.
Matt:  Neighbor and co-worker relationships.
Jay:  Relationships with your pets and other animals.
Matt:  Sexual relationships.
Jay:  Mmmmmmmmm…Sexual relati---um, sorry…Facebook relationships.
Matt:  Twitter relationships.
Jay:  Stumble Upon relationships.

Matt:  I don’t have any of those.
Jay:  I know…That’s why you never get any Stumble love on your posts.
Matt:  It’s so hard though.  I’d have to follow other Stumblers.
Jay:  It’s a cross that we must all bear in order to get our stories out.
Matt:  Okay…Maybe I’ll work on that.
Jay:  Good Boy.

Matt:  Sometimes, relationships go bad and it is very sad.
Jay:  Oh I know, and sometimes in addition to going bad, they get really funny while doing so.
Matt:  We wouldn’t want to talk about how bad relationships can be funny would we?
Jay:  Noooooooooooooo.

Matt and Jay:  Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!

Jay:  Alright then…The Relationship Show it is.
Matt:  We’ll cover every aspect of every type of relationship that exists.
Jay:  We can even talk about how some doctors have ended their relationship with us.
Matt:  Man, it will be painful to talk about, but…we’re professionals.

Jay:  And of course, we’ll be taking phone calls from our diverse and worldwide audience.
Matt:  That right there is a hot relationship.
Jay:  Damn right.

Matt:  I think we’re ready.
Jay:  I think so too, but are we ready for a committed relationship?
Matt:  I guess we’ll find out this Sunday from Noon-2 PM Eastern STANDARD Time.
Jay:  Indeed, can’t have a show relationship with folks if folks don’t set their clocks back!!

Matt:  Until Sunday Jayman!!
Jay:  Word.

To catch all of the IWS Radio hilarity on Blog Talk Radio LIVE this Sunday from Noon-2 PM ET, click HERE.

Exploring Facebook Groups ...

Hola friends and potential friends! I want to introduce a new series for the blog. I’ve been trying to find ways to make Facebook more useful and fun and I think I might have found one. I’ve been going through Groups to see what all topics are covered. Needless to say there are lots of groups for just about any topic. One that I found most interesting are the “Add Me” or “Add Lots of New Friends” groups.

The idea is that everyone who joins the group should add everyone as a friend and we all get big friend numbers and look really cool and popular. I thought this would be as good a place as any to start. I joined one of them and posted “Hey everyone! Add me please!” Five people added me. Only one is still a “friend.” Here’s what happened with the other four….

Babe 1:

Her: Hello
Me: Hello
Her: Do you like me?
Me: Well, I don’t know you.
Her: But, you think I’m cute?
Me: Yeah, you’re cute.
Her: So you like me?
Me: You seem nice.
Her: Just nice?
Me: I don’t really know you.
Her: You looking for wife?

I defriended her in a panic. I wish I hadn’t. That could have been comedy gold.

Dude 1:

Him: Hey!
Me: Hello
Him: How are you?
Me: Great. How are you?
Him: Good. Hey can I ask you a question?
Me: Okay
Him: Can you suggest friends for me?
Me: I guess.
Him: Well, just the girls really.
Me: Just the girls?
Him: Yeah, girls think I’m cute.
Me: Some guys might think you’re cute too.
Him: Oh man! That’s not funny!
Me: It’s a little funny.
Him: Only a little!
Me: Most of the girls I know would find it very funny.
Him: Okay, don’t suggest them then.
Me: Okay.

He then defriended me.

Dude 2:

Him: Hey man!
Me: Hola!
Him: You’re Spanish?
Me: Uh, no.
Him: LOL … Okay
Me: What’s up?
Him: Thanks for accepting my friend request.
Me: Thanks for adding me.
Him: No prob. So, what you looking for?
Me: Well, nothing really.
Him: So why did you join that group?
Me: Just seemed like a good idea.
Him: It’s pretty cool. I’ve met lots of dudes there.
Me: Cool. I just joined today.
Him: Cool. So, you into dudes?
Me: Uhhhh … No, sorry.
Him: Don’t be sorry. You’re the one missing out.
Me: Ha! Okay.
Him: You ever had a guy suck you off?
Me: No
Him: How do you know?
Me: I checked.
Him: You’d never really know if you didn’t check.
Me: That’s why I check.
Him: If she had sex change, you wouldn’t know.
Me: I guess that’s possible.
Him: Probable, I’d say.
Me: Ha! Unlikely.
Him: Anyway, you’re missing out.
Me: If you say so.
Him: I do. Bye dude.
Me: Bye

He then defriended me.

Babe 2:

Her: Hi there
Me: Howdy
Her: LOL
Me: Why was that funny?
Her: Americans say “Howdy” a lot.
Me: Oh, okay.
Her: You wanna be my friend?
Me: Sure.
Her: But not too friendly
Me: Okay.  What’s “too friendly”
Her: Like making passes at me.
Me: Okay. I won’t.
Her: Good cause I would get into trouble.

I’m thinking “Oh crap, she’s underage!”

Me: Why would you get into trouble?
Her: Being too friendly with a white man
Me: REALLY?
Her: Yes, not me, but my family.
Me: That’s sad.
Her: Yes cause I love white men.
Me: Well that’s a problem
Her: Only for me.
Me: Or a white man who falls for you.
Her: That makes me sad.
Me: It is pretty sad.
Her: Maybe I can convince them they’re wrong.
Me: I hope so.
Her: Me too.
Me: Good luck
Her: Thanks. Bye!
Me: Bye

That one kind of made me sad. Anyway, there are lots and lots of groups out there on Facebook. Most of the posts in them are just spam, but there are some real people there too. I’m going to keep joining them and will report back to you guys on them.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Halloween Isn't Scary...Everyday Life Is!!

Happy Halloween you sexy ghosts and wacky goblins.

Unless you live in Amish country or have mean, uncaring, evangelical Christian parents, you know that today is Halloween…

A day in which children from 2 to 92 with joy in their hearts and senses of fun, roam about the earth dressed in fun costumes, or in the case of the older children…

Dress as pimps and sluts, go to the bars, and drink until they get their chance to make it with someone dressed as Frankenstein or Miley Cyrus.

However, Halloween for many is just a fun time to enjoy being scared.

People love to pay to walk through manufactured “haunted houses” whose proceeds go to the recently crippled kid down the street, the wife whose husband was killed in a grain elevator accident, or to the local Kiwanis Club so that they can continue to do whatever it is the Kiwanis Club does.

I don’t really get scared by “haunted houses” and the traditional Halloween stuff, however…

In every day life, there are a boatload of things that scare the hell out of me, and/or more accurately, give me an exponential case of the heebie-jeebies.

Spiders?  Snakes?  Pffffffft.  While I am always leery of those two creepy crawly types, nothing freaks me out more than fast moving multi-legged bugs, many of which I have never seen, nor even knew existed.

I hate bugs who just appear out of the blue…bugs that have never been pictured in textbooks, and believe me…

They’re out there!!  ICK!!

Body Lotion…Oh Dear GAWD…Just thinking of putting that greasy crap on my arms and legs even after completing forty days and nights in the desert with Jesus, makes my skin crawl.  Uuch!!

Brussels Sprouts and Eggplant…Seriously?  They both suck…They are things that those stupid Kiwanis Club Haunted Houses would use for their dish of “Frankenstein’s Brains.”  And what really gets me about Eggplant?  I have heard often…

“Try Eggplant Lasagna, it’s really good.”  And of course I reply, “But I think Eggplant is gross.”

And then I hear, “No, it’s really good; you won’t even taste it.”

If it’s really good, why allegedly, does it not have any taste!!?  Eggplant pushers!!

And if you are my age or older, remember getting nose drops when you were a kid with a cold? They’ll clear you right up…

And the nose drops, pressured down your nose by Mama and Papa Mengele always went to the back of your throat and tasted liked carp piss.  Ugh.

And here’s one that I think many people feel more than uncomfortable with…

When I worked for SEIU, we had many meetings, many conferences, many planning sessions.

And of course when you have big groups like that, said groups must have break-out sessions and mini-meetings contained within said meeting or conference.

These twenty-one words were uttered often during those meetings, and to this day, give me a giant case of the goo…

“Before we begin our meeting, why don’t we go around the table, introduce ourselves, and share a little something about ourselves?”

Whenever I heard, or hear that to this day, I curl up into a fetal position and while crying, say what I always wanted to say to that question/order…

“Hi.  My name is Matt.  I eat scrambled rats brains for breakfast. I eat my girlfriend for lunch, and for dinner?  I go meatless, and drink my own, day-old urine from a rusty, empty Beefaroni can. How you doin’?”

Oh dear God, how I hate that more than anything…Well…

Except for expiration dates on food and milk and food.

I never used to care about those, but man…If I come across a container of milk that expires on the day on which I want to drink it?

It better have a time stamp on it as well.  Because an expiration date of 10/31/2013 at 8 AM ain’t the same as 10/31/2013 9 PM.

Thanks a lot Dad!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Halloween? Not a Fan ...

Hola … uh … BOO! Or something. It’s Halloween time and once again I’m just trying to pretend it isn’t happening. As usual I will be turning off the porch light and covering the windows with blackout curtains and will refuse to answer the door when the little bastards knock anyway. Thursday morning I will inspect my car hoping that no one messed with. That’s basically my Halloween routine. I did carve a jack-o-lantern once though…

I know a lot of you guys out there love Halloween, but I’m just not a fan. I don’t like all the creepy costumes. I don’t like the silly pranks. I don’t like people dressing up as something or someone they’re not. I DO like the treats though. That’s the only thing about Halloween that is cool. Let’s list the best treats to hand out …

Chocolate:

1. Kit-Kat Bars
2. Kit-Kat Dark Chocolate
3. Mr. Goodbar
4. Krackel
5. Hershey’s Milk Chocolate
6. Hershey’s Dark Chocolate

Candy:

1. Smarties
2. Sweet Tarts
3. Skittles
4. Spree
5. Lemon Drops
6. Starburst

You really can’t go wrong with any of those options right there. If I did hand out stuff I would give out the big candy bars instead of those miniature ones. For the kids with the really cute costumes (brought to the door by a MILF) I would even give the big ONE POUND CANDY BAR! Hell yeah! For some I would give a whole big bag of Skittles. Maybe even a Family Size bag of Doritos. What the hell!

That would be a lot of fun and I would be a freaking hero to all the kids in the neighborhood. They would be offering to mow my lawn or shovel snow off my driveway for free just because they thought I was cool. Some of them would try to convince their mother to leave their dad for me or possibly they would introduce me to their sister who goes to college.

The best part would be how I could hold this popularity over the assholes to hand out fruit and other “healthy” stuff on Halloween. Those people are the worst! If someone gave me some crappy multi-grain health bar for Halloween I would probably let the air out of his tires later that night. Ha! I could see those people trying to compete with my family size bag of Doritos by giving kids a regular sized bag of Veggie Chips or worse … VEGAN CHIPS! AHHHHHHH!!! Freaks.

Honestly though, I’ve just never had any really good Halloween experiences. Way back when I was in grade school we used to have Halloween carnivals each year. As usual I never really won anything cool. We played games like musical chairs and had a cake walk and I don’t know what all else. I’m sure I won some cookies and I think I did when a big piece of cake once, but it turned out to be coconut. YUCK!

In high school I was on the newspaper staff and we teamed up with the nerds on the yearbook staff to have a Halloween party. I put on a suit and a Ronald Reagan mask as my costume. He was pretty much the scariest person or thing I could think of. Okay, maybe I was the nerd. Whatever.

Anyway, they set up a haunted house in the study hall room that we had to go through. It wasn’t all that scary but it was really dark and I couldn’t find the door to the library where the party was supposed to be. The vampires and zombies were breathing down my neck and I’m pretty sure one of the groped me in the crotch area. Aaaaaand, I think it was a dude who did it. A teacher actually. I’ll discuss that with my therapist though.

We did have a Halloween party one year when I was in college. It was a strange night. Only a few people showed up at first, but then a bunch of people all came at the same time. Then it died out and BOOM a bunch of people showed up late night. Of course my roommate and his girlfriend took advantage of having an audience and had a big fight. OH THE DRAMA!

Anyway, that’s pretty much been my experience with Halloween and well, it just hasn’t gone well. Maybe someday I’ll learn to appreciate Halloween a little more. Maybe.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook
@Jayman_IWS  

The Chupacabra Speaks !!

Hola and a Feliz Martes to you all.  The Chupacabra here, and I have a few things to say to all of you Chupacabra haters.

What the hell is your problemo?

Why you be hating on the Chupacabra so damn much?  And another thing…

How come Jay and Matt had a Wicca priest on their radio show in order to dispel all of the misconceptions and hurtful comments about the Wicca religion, and yet, they ignore me…

The Chupacabra.

Frankly, it’s not fair.

Sure, I am an animal that sucks the blood and flesh from goats, but that doesn’t mean that you have to call me Chupacabra…the goat sucker.

I am much more than that, and I have feelings.  My name is Jorge Hernandez!!  Damn Glad To Meet You!!

Y’know?

I have always wanted to be able to go along and get along with you folks.  All I ever wanted from you was a few scraps from your cena table so that I could feed my family.

Sure, I may not be the most handsome pirate at the Cinco de Mayo Ball, but maybe if you could have looked past my crazy eyes and razor sharp teeth dripped in rabies, you would have noticed that I have a huge heart full of warmth and compassion.

But no…

When I initially showed up at your backyard barbeque and heroin transaction party in order to secure food for my family, all I ever got was…

“Ewwwwwwwwww, a goat sucking freak of nature….RUN!!”

Fuck you.  I’m better than that.  I am Jorge Hernandez, and I don’t take no stinkin’ government handouts nor ill-gotten giveaways from the Mexican drug cartels.  I, much like the entrepreneurial can collector in the U.S., go door-to-door looking for my family’s next meal.

However, as I roamed from yard to yard, and hacienda to hacienda in search of tables scraps for my wife and cinco niños, my name unfairly became synonymous with dirty, low-life goat suckers…aka, The Chupacabra.

I am sorry that it has come to this, but ever since you have locked your trash cans, electrified your fences, and put a Mexican contract out on me, I, Jorge Hernandez, have been forced to wiggle through your high tech fences, break through the walls of your tin shacks, and get the damn food out of your un-refridgerated refrigerators by means of frightening and menacing you all.

In fact, I find it funny that you smart humans surround your 200 peso tin shacks with 5,000 peso electric fences.

When I come home with your food for my family, my wife will ask, "Jorge?  What's for supper?"

I always respond...

"A big platter of irony, that's what!!"

I did not want it to come to this, however…

In addition to feeding my family, my wife Ana is six months pregnant with our sixth child…Our youngest, Luis, needs new corrective shoes, and our oldest, Juan, needs dinero in order to attend a tryout session in Mexico City next month for the Mexican boy band, Juan Direction.

You see?

I am but a simple hound dog of Mexican society with large paws, sharp teeth, and a huge heart.  I just want to get along, and get a little help from you all.

Is that so wrong?

My name is Jorge Hernandez, and I’d rather just inconspicuously garner the scraps of your wealth, say thank you and move on, and not continue to be deemed a diabolical and “mysterious” caricature and freak of nature promulgated by cable TV.

¡Salud!,

Jorge Hernandez

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

An it Harm None, Do as Ye Will

Hola all you heathens! Woo-Boy! Let me tell ya, we had a EPIC show yesterday on IWS Radio! We had Rev James Smith PhD High Priest and founder of the Celtic Wicca Coven on and he rocked the house. He told us all about Wicca and Druidism and shot down a whole lot of the myths about both.

I’ll be honest with you guys, when I threw the idea out there to Matt-Man last Sunday that we find someone involved with Wicca for our Halloween Show, I was really thinking about someone similar to Michelle Pfeiffer from “Witches of Eastwick.” I really didn’t think we could find an actual Wicca High Priest who would be so personable and knowledgeable.

We tried to trip Dr. Smith up. We threw all the big myths about Wicca at him. You know, witchcraft, sorcery, devil worshiping, dark arts and the idea that Wiccans (and Druids) are just a bunch of dope smoking hippies getting jiggy with it out there in a field under the full moon. I was especially disappointed to find that the dope smoking hippies getting jiggy with it wasn’t true. But, we’ve all had our hopes shattered before. All we can do is accept it and move on with our lives.

Dr. Smith pointed out a number of things that people don’t know about Wicca…

- Wicca is not patriarchal like most religions are.
- There is no central “governing authority” over Wicca.
- Wiccans don’t believe in or acknowledge Satan or Hell.
- Very few people engage in Wicca practices nude. (Bummer, right?)
- Wiccans do spells which are very much like blessings and prayers.
- Wiccans believe that the spirit of the Goddess and God exist in all things.
- No magick is done for the purposes of hurting anyone. Whatever you do others, will come back to you threefold.
- The witches and Wiccans you see in modern pop culture like movies and TV shows don’t exist.
- Wiccans (and Druids) are still persecuting in many ways by society.
- Wiccans only want to live in harmony with nature, be good members of society and respect one another.
- Not all Pagans are Wiccans, not all Wiccans are Pagans.
- The Pentagram is a five point star that means “Water” Earth” “Fire” “Air” and “Spirit” (It isn’t the sign of the Occult.)
- They do cool chants, one of which Rev Smith shared with us on the air.

Is that so wrong? Does that sound like the monsters and/or evil hag witches that you see on TV and in the movies all the time? Hell no! In fact, one could actually make the argument that what most people who practice religions like Christianity are most afraid of is Wiccan’s ability to be tolerant and accepting of everyone and everyone’s choices. (Well, not really bad people like pedophiles and wife beaters and that kind of shit.) Another thing that “tradition” religions fear is how Wiccans don’t try to take control of your life. They don’t use judgment, shame and fear to try and control people and keep them in line.

I really don’t see why so many people are so afraid of Wiccans. They seem pretty harmless to me. I would say the really bad people are the two closed-minded and intolerant people who defriended me on Facebook after I posted a link to the show. No Wiccan would ever do that!

Anyway, there’s lots more cool stuff in yesterday’s show about Wicca AAAAAND a dramatic reading of Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Raven” by the IWS Players! You should totally check it out. If you don’t it will only result in bad karma for you in the future. Or something.

Discover Comedy Internet Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

Jayman3768@gmail.com
Facebook
@Jayman_IWS