Mr. Sandman Is A Spiteful Agent Provacateur

Cheers and a Happy one full week of Lent has passed us by already, to ya.

For those who follow the IWS Radio website and radio show, you are aware that for Lent this year, I have given up the eating of bread and pasta.

44 Days…No bread…No pasta.

Yesterday marked the end of week one of doing such.  The first couple of days were easy. I was excited to be exerting some rarely used self-discipline, and it was a fresh change in my eating habits.

During the days, I have up to this point, been in full control of my willpower with little discomfort, however…

The last couple of nights have seen my slumbers come alive with things over which my willpower has no control…

Bread-Related Dreams, and let me tell you; they’re neither helpful nor pretty.

For instance…

I had a dream that I am walking down a dirty, urban alley in God knows what city, and I am approached by a nefarious looking man wearing a trench coat, and he says to me…

“Hey…My name is Reuben, and I having something you want, something you need.”  To which I respond…

“Really?  What is that?”  And then…

He flashes open his trench coat, and on one side dangle slices of corned beef, Swiss cheese, and dressing, and on the other side, sauerkraut, corned beef and dark rye bread.  Bastard.

And then another dream follows.  I am sitting in a nightclub by myself and to the mic walks IWS Radio’s very own up and coming comic, Phil Diller.  The spotlight hits him; he goes into his routine and the following transpires…

Phil:  Knock Knock
Me:  Who’s there?
Phil:  Mac
Me:  Mac who?
Phil:  Mac Aroni.  Ha.  Hi Muh Lime Uh!!

Phil:  Hey Matt-Man?  What do you get when you put a likeable apparition into a toaster?
Me:  I have no idea.
Phil:  Casper the Friendly Toast!!  Ha.  Hi Muh Lime Uh!!

Oh…Dear…God…

Oh the dreams don’t die there folks…There’s more.

I was stripped naked and tied to a hemlock tree by Sarah Palin while her daughter threw Cheddar Bay Biscuits at me.  I kid you not!!

I dreamed I was riding through way ancient downtown Rome in a foot powered Paleolithic car driven by a caveman named Frederico Flinstonia, and all four tires were made of pizza.  It’s true!!

But?

I think the most disturbing bread-related dream I have had, occurred early Wednesday morning as I was beginning to awake.

I was on Malaysia Airlines Flight 370. There was no mechanical failure. There was no hijacking.  There was no terrorism.  We made it to our destination safely and without incident.

As we exited the plane, all but I, were thrilled to disembark and enjoy the stay on the vacation spot that all but me had had longed to visit. That destination, of which I speak?

The Sandwich Islands.

Mr. Sandman is indeed a cruel and unrelenting bastard, because even if I am in paradise...even Hawaii, but without bread?  Hawaii can suck it.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattmaniws
My Facebook Page 

Let's Ban Bossy!

Hola y’all! As you probably know by now, there is a movement in this country to ban the word “bossy.”  Over the years various groups of people have called for the banning of racial slurs because they have very negative, ugly, hateful or otherwise hurtful meanings. Of all the words that someone would want banned “bossy” is one I would have never thought of.

Sheryl Sandberg is the person who has decided that the word “bossy” is just too much for sweet, innocent little girls to handle. She should know too because she was called “bossy” all the time when she was a kid and it really hurt her. Hell, it practically destroyed her self-confidence and relegated her to a sad life of never accomplishing anything other than being the COO of Facebook. What a loser! Can we still use the word “loser?” Was that hurtful?

Well, it didn’t take long before other women who were also called “bossy” and suffered from the negative effects of that word to jump on the “Ban Bossy” Bandwagon. Beyonce and FLOTUS Michelle Obama have also been held back and not fulfilled their potential because of that horribly demeaning word.

Okay, so we’re gonna BAN BOSSY! What will we replace it with? Here are some options:

Overbearing
Pushy
Authoritarian
Controlling
Bitchy
Dictatorial
Rude
Snooty
Elitist
Overbearing
Cunty
Arrogant
High-Handed
Assholish
Oppressive
Tyrannical
Domineering
Condescending
Conceited
Pompous
Pretentious
Vain
Uppity
Egotistic
Contemptuous
Control Freak
Power Hungry
Snippy
Superiority Complex
Full of Herself
Aloof
Lording
Oppressive
And a lot more that I can’t think of right now cause I’m on a deadline.

As you can see, just like in Crimea there are no good options here. What’s that? Oh, you want people to stop calling girls “bossy” and NOT replace it with another word? Yeah, good luck with that. Kids call each other names. That’s what they do. We can tell them not to, but they’re going to.

One of the interesting things about this is that the push to ban the word “bossy” ONLY applies to calling girls that. The argument is that calling a boy “bossy” is seen as a compliment. Uh, no it’s not. Take it from someone who has been called “bossy.” It wasn’t meant in a “damn, I admire him cause he’s so bossy” way.

Another great moment yesterday was when I saw someone say that words like “pussy” or “sissy” or “throws like a girl” should also be banned. Not because they are hurtful to the boy who is being called that, but because it was an insult to say that a boy was a “girl” and that hurts girls. We all already know what an insult it is to say that a woman has “manly” qualities.

I always thought we wanted our girls to be strong and independent and assertive and well, bossy. We just don’t want them called “bossy” anymore? Ohhhhhhhhhh I see! You want to replace “bossy” with one of those more positive sounding words like “strong” or “independent.” Right, okay. Sure we could do that. I’m sure that nobody would ever say “Let me warn you about Hillary, she’s really ‘strong’ and ‘independent’ ifyouknowwhatImean.”

Then we’ll have to ban those words too! Or we could actually just be parents and teachers and teach our boys AND girls that words have power and meaning and to choose them carefully. Who would be opposed to that? Nobody! Right? 

What? That's what you mean by "ban bossy?" Well, okay. Why didn't you just say that? Carry on then. 

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

IWS Radio's Very Own Mr. Vague: A. Mann

Greetings and a virtual head nod of acknowledgement to you…

Due to that incredibly annoying computer problem that we have all dealt with from time to time, I ended up coming across Jay and Matt doing that talk thing that they did this past Sunday on that site that allows people to talk in some talk radio type atmosphere.

I’m sure you know the site that I am talking about, but anyway, I thought the talk thing that they did was good to a point, so…

I emailed one or both of them and let them know that not only did listening to their talk radio thing help me to calm somewhat down from my computer problem and kill not quite an hour, but certainly more than several minutes, they helped me to save $78.52 in the process.

And I’m pretty certain that you know the reason for that!!

Because of the email I sent one or both of them, I was asked if I would like to post onto this website.

I replied that perhaps I would, and maybe tomorrow or someday in the not too distant nor too far future, that I might, and if I do post, it will probably show up on the website.

Well last night as I was preparing a dinner consisting of controversial ingredients for which I have received a modicum of accolades, I decided I would write a few, if not too many, words upon this website and somewhat introduce myself.

I hail ever so obscurely from a town that rests near the border of Illinois and Indiana.  A town that nearly became famous in 1974 because of the natural gas related accident that forever changed the lives of dozens.

My name is A. Mann, and frankly…writing this piece for IWS is rather liberating.

Putting some of myself “out there” allows me to somewhat let down my average length hair, and brings that subdued look of joy to my face that was duly noted by an acquaintance of mine during a personal reunion of sorts, some years ago.

Anyhoo…I pursued and attained a Bachelor’s degree at the university which you all, and I sometimes as well, love to hate.  But…let’s keep this positive.

Upon graduating with my degree, I moved away from my hometown and got a job with a corporation located in close proximity to, but on neither side of the Wasatch Mountains.  In fact…

It is not really a full blown corporation per se, it is more of a sole-proprietorship, but that matters not, as my mailing address is a P.O. Box which contains a Zip Code that while near to Texas, lies just outside, and is nowhere near the area upon which my cabin home along the banks of the Columbia River rests.

This has been a fun first step toward introducing myself to you, and I thank Jay and Matt for giving me the platform on which to do so.

I hope to more or less chat with you in the future, and remember…

I am much more average than some, yet less so than others.

Somewhat Sincerely,

A. Mann

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page   

Making Things and Spring Happen

Not only did we all Spring Forward, well everyone except some weirdoes in Indiana and Arizona, but IWS Radio brought the funny this week as we Forced Spring to start a little early. And I think it worked too because there wasn’t any of the winter doldrums on this week’s IWS Radio. It was non-stop fun and excitement.

Well, there were some less that positive moments, but those weren’t because of any freezing weather, ice storms or gray gloomy skies. Jay did have to discuss the ordeal that has been attempting to get his laptop fixed. Oh it’s gonna get fixed, but it’s gonna cost THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS to do it.

We had a new sponsor this week too. The Black Sea Cruises offers some great deals on an amazing vacation in one of the most underrated vacation spots in the world. I don’t know about you guys, but I think vacationing on a cruise ship in the Black Sea near the Crimean coast sounds like a great idea!

There has been a bit of infighting at IWS lately and some of it has spilled over into the show. Last week we had Paul Piatt selling out and Kirk Douglas took a couple of cheap shots at Guy Ahnerdyck and Bobby Kraft. Well, Bobby and Guy both responded this week in their own special ways.

Speaking of which, shout out to Guy Ahnurdyck for winning a Dutchie! The first IWS correspondent to win a major award! Congrats Guy!!

After a couple of passive-aggressive swipes at Kirk, Bobby gave everyone some great advice on preparing for Tornado Season. Make sure you have a pen and paper handy cause you’ll want to take notes!

Once again Aunt Jackie rocked the house! This week she covered Thin Lizzy’s “The Boys are Back in Town!” It was awesome! Thanks Jaxxx!!

Martin was along to provide us with a great springtime meditation. We were all so relaxed I wasn’t sure we would be able to finish the show!

Stubby Stonehenge showed off his literary flexibility by sitting in for Paul Piatt in the Poet’s Corner this week. He was really great. I bet you’ll be surprised.

And sweet, lovable, adorable Schmoop stopped by to entertain us with her own brand of happy spring thoughts about Matt’s new “get to spend more time at home” schedule.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand soooooo much more! We rocked and rolled through the whole show once again this week. I don’t know what has gotten into us, but IWS Radio is on a real roll lately. Definitely check it out!

Check Out Comedy Podcasts at Blog Talk Radio with IWS Radio on BlogTalkRadio

IWS Person of the Week: Oscar Pistorius, Bladerunner

Happy first day of Daylight Saving Time 2014 to you all, and speaking of time...

This week's IWS Person of the Week is a man who has put up World Record times on the Paralympic running track and probably wishes today that he was fast enough to turn back the hands of time as well.

The man who is faster than a speeding bullet; the man with looks that are to die for, South Africa's very own, Oscar Pistorius...

Oscar Pistorius made headlines around the world back in 2012 while participating in the London Olympics and Paralympics.  After garnering medals and shattering records, Oscar became known as the Bladerunner, or as we here at IWS more artfully monikered him, The Legless Usain Bolt...

Fame, fortune, and glory followed Oscar Pistorius as did his hot girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp.  The two appeared to be headed to receive a gold medal atop the podium of love...

But, less than a year after his triumphs in London, tragedy befell the couple when on Valentine's Day night in 2013, Oscar allegedly mistook Ms. Steenkamp for a dastardly home invader and with the marksmanship of an Olympic biathalete, gunned her down.  And now his fate rests upon the courts...

It has been said of Oscar that the boy has anger issues, well?  We here at IWS Radio think that a person who has no legs, has the right to be angry.  So here's to Oscar Pistorius the IWS Person of the Week.  He's a gold medal winner in our hearts no matter what the verdict may be...

Congrats to Oscar Pistorius, the man who literally has a spring in his step, and speaking of Spring...

Join Jay and Matt and the IWS Radio gang on Blog Talk Radio LIVE from Noon-2 PM EDT as the IWS crew kicks Old Man Winter in the balls and jump starts Spring 2014.

So remember to spring ahead one hour and join us LIVE today and get your Spring on.  It's gonna be flora and fauna of funny.  To listen LIVE, click...

HERE!! 

Matt Said, Jay Said 661.244.9852 Spring Edition

Matt LOL’s, Jay ROFL’s, You LYFAO

Matt: Hiya!
Jay: Save it for the show!
Matt: Save what?
Jay: I know you had something funny to say.
Matt: No I didn’t.
Jay: You’re not funny anymore?
Matt: Of course I am.
Jay: So you had something funny to say.
Matt: Well I don’t have to be funny 24/7!
Jay: I guess.
Matt: Anyway … I forgot what I was going to say now.
Jay: It probably wasn’t funny anyway.
Schmoop: BAM!

Matt: Schmoop is in the kitchen.
Jay: Where she belongs!
Matt: Damn right!
Jay: What’s she doing in there?
Matt: Making tuna salad.
Jay: I did that last weekend.
Matt: I know you inspired me.
Jay: I’m very inspirational.
Matt: Yes you are.
Jay: HEY! Put Schmoop on.
Matt: She’s pretty busy. Why?
Jay: I gotta ask her something.
Matt: What is it, I’ll ask her.
Jay: It’s better if I ask her myself.
Matt: Now I really need to know what it is.
Jay: I need to ask her how her tuna tastes.
Matt: No, no you don’t.
Jay: I really do.
Matt: You really don’t.
Jay: Ask her for me.
Matt: I’m not doing it.
Jay: Oh you’re pretending to be a grown up now?
Matt: Just this once.
Jay: Whatever.
Matt: Sorry to ruin your fun.
Jay: I bet it’s delicious.
Matt: God damn right it is!

Matt: I’m so done with winter.
Jay: You and me both.
Matt: I shoveled the parking lot Monday just because I was bored.
Jay: That’s sad.
Matt: IKR?
Jay: We need a way to force the weather to change to spring.
Matt: If anyone can will that to happen it’s us.
Jay: Well then why don’t we!
Matt: Let’s do it!
Jay: We’ll celebrate spring!
Matt: Right. We have to spring forward anyway.
Jay: Oh that’s right!
Matt: Of course, this will cause trouble for so many people.
Jay: It’s a very hard concept to understand.
Matt: I know, but I love it.
Jay: I hate it.
Matt: It’s not THAT hard to change the time in your car.
Jay: I know, but I never think about it until I’m already driving.
Matt: You’ll be okay!

Jay: Anyway, we’re springing spring on folks this week?
Matt: Let’s do it.
Jay: We’re couple of rays of sunshine anyway.
Matt: We bring light and warmth to the people.
Jay: That we do.
Matt: Also, Guy has a response to Kirk’s cheap shot last week.
Jay: Oh really? I can’t wait to hear it.
Matt: How Bobby Kraft?
Jay: I haven’t talked to him, but I’m sure he’s beside himself.
Matt: Plus we need another Schmoop update this week.
Jay: More sunshine to spread around!
Matt: You know it!
Jay: Maybe some meditation from Martin.
Matt: Possibly Stubby Stonehenge discussing allergy season.
Jay: And maybe Kirk with Tornado Season Preparedness!
Matt: Always necessary!
Jay: And who knows what else!
Matt: Could be all kinds of surprises.
Jay: I can’t wait!
Matt: Me either!

So be sure to tune into IWS Radio on Sunday at 12 Noon ET for “Force Feeding Spring” and celebrate winter’s demise with us!

The Weather Channel: Sam Champion Is A White Al Roker

Imagine this…

It’s 3 A.M, and the head of the overnight Weather Channel crew calls its morning, drive-time headliner and?

The morning, drive-time headliner is not a meteorologist.

The Weather Channel has done it before, and they are doing it again.

They are hiring yet another non-meteorologist to host the morning Weather Channel program, and once again diluting the hard hitting analysis of barometric pressures and jet streams, into nothing more than a morning show about..

“Hey…longtime viewer, Grandma Juanita Jones is 98 today; which is coincidental, because that is what the high temp in Miami will be today.”

I was livid back in aught nine when The Weather Channel hired the hideous, non-meteorological, can’t lose weight on my own without a medical procedure, go on Imus to promote my book, and then hate him for dissin’ nappy-haired college basketball players even though I had been on his show for years, Al Roker.

When NBC bought out The Weather Channel and installed the non-meteorologist, weight-loss cheater, Al Roker into its sunny, wake-up spot,  I said to myself…

“The Weather Channel’s integrity has fallen faster and lower than the barometric pressure recorded when Hurricane Camille passed over Pass Christian, Mississippi back in ‘69.”

Not that the aforementioned fake weathermen would know what the hell I was talking about.

I remember the days back when The Weather Channel started, and Jim Cantore and Mark Mancuso were cutting up and giving the weather…It was awesome, but…noooooooooo.

Only doing weather wasn't good enough for either The Weather Channel nor NBC, so…when NBC bought them out, they had to add weather “reality” shows and fake weathermen.

And that is when the “for the life of me, I have no clue how this happened” famous and well-paid, Al Roker stepped in.

I loathe Al Roker because he is a phony.  He is a phony because he chose to have a medical procedure to lose weight, and more importantly, he is not a meteorologist.

And now?

Who is going to be hosting The Weather Channel’s new morning show, AMHQ?

Sam Champion. Really?

I am about to be subjected to the exponentially white, uber-creepy looking, non-meteorologist Sam Champion, who is the gay, yet fit, but no less disturbing, and much more caucasian, Al Roker.

See?

Meteorology is, among other things, color blind.  I just want a God Damn weather forecast thoughtfully and accurately reported to me by a black guy, a white guy, a hot chick…a Swedish Nazi who had a sex change…

I don’t care who the hell gives me a weather forecast, I just want to know that I am getting a quasi-accurate forecast.

And I want it from a meteorologist. Not some corporate media carnival barker who was hired to generate advertising revenue.

If it storms?

I want to know it was because there was a dry line, behind of a cold front, ahead of a warm front, and not because the, Sam Champion TorCon Rating Brought to You by Coca-Cola, is rating it an eight.

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page