Saying Goodbye to Jay Leno on MSJS

Matt: Holaaaaaaaaaaa!
Jay: Cheers!!!
Matt: How the hell are ya?
Jay: I’m cold dammit! That’s how I am!
Matt: YOU’RE COLD? Try shoveling snow every other day.
Jay: You enjoy that shit.
Matt: Enjoy-ED! Past tense buddy. This is bullshit!
Jay: You got that right.
Matt: I’m tired of 20 layers of clothes.
Jay: And wondering if the car will start.
Matt: And frozen ears, noses and fingers.
Jay: And shriveled up ball sacks.
Matt: We could have done without that visual.
Jay: Gotta let the people know how bad it is.
Matt: Well, true dat. How’s your parking lot?
Jay: Tara Lipinski could do a skating routine on it.
Matt: That would be fun to see.

Jay: Oh dude! Speaking of the Olympics…
Matt: Were we?
Jay: Kind of.
Matt: Okay, carry on then.
Jay: Ludmila Privivkova isn’t on the Russian Curling team this time!
Matt: Oh no!!!
Jay: IKR? I’m devastated.
Matt: What happened?
Jay: I guess she got too old and couldn’t keep up.
Matt: Sports is brutal on people as they age.
Jay: Yeah, curling is probably hard on the knees.
Matt: And the elbows and wrists pushing that broom so hard.
Jay: Sad to see the greats leave the game though.
Matt: True. Hey, did she ever approve your Facebook friend request?
Jay: No!
Matt: So rude!
Jay: IKR? That’s okay though, I dumped her.
Matt: Oh really? For whom?
Jay: I sent her replacement Anna Sidorova a friend request today.
Matt: Well done sir!

Jay: Well it only makes sense to do that right before Valentine’s Day.
Matt: You make a good point.
Jay: Just like it only makes sense to talk love and shit this week on IWS.
Matt: Dude! You’re on a roll!
Jay: We really need to blow the lid of this bullshit V-Day crap.
Matt: Oh we’re going too!
Jay: Drew Peacock might have some thoughts on it.
Matt: You know Paul Piatt does.
Jay: Pfffffttt … V-Day is made for him!
Matt: And Slyder is covering the Olympics.
Jay: Of course! We MIGHT have a Smug report too.
Matt: That would be nice. Also? Aunt Jackie might do a song!
Jay: She as the voice of an angel dude!
Matt: That she does.
Jay: Buddy Acapella should do something too.
Matt: A medley of bad love songs.
Jay: That is freaking brilliant!
Matt: Word.
Jay: I’m sure we can get Bobby Kraft to chime in.
Matt: And Schmoop
Jay: And who knows what else we’ll come up with.
Matt: Our imagination knows no bounds.
Jay: True dat.
Matt: Damn this show is gonna RAWK!
Jay: I can’t wait!
Matt: Me either!

Also, Matt-Man and Jayman would like to take a moment to honor our friend and colleague Jay Leno as he ends his amazing 22 year run on the Tonight Show. Best of luck to you in the future and you have a standing invitation to join us on IWS Radio anytime you want!  

Tune into “It’s as Hot as an Oven in the Love Shack” Sunday at 8 pm ET and let’s give Valentine’s Day the treatment it deserves!

Happy Birthday February 7th!!

Cheeeeeeeers Bitches and a very happy February 7th to you all.  February 7th may be the most spectacular
date contained within the Gregorian calendar.

Do you know why February 7th has been such an important date both throughout history and remains so today?

Because…

February 7th is the date on which many of the most talented people who have ever lived, and who live today, were born.

What?  Don’t believe me?  Listen up…er…read up, because folks born on February 7th form a star-studded line-up of pure talent the world has yet to see burgeon forth from any other day of the year.

It’s true.  In fact if we were to have on huge birthday party for significant people born on February 7th, this is who we would invite.

First up and foremost, Charles Dickens…

What’s not to like about the author of Tale of Two Cities, David Copperfield, and A Christmas Carol among others, and who, although dead at the age of 58, still managed to find sperm enough to create 10 babies!!? He was a rock star!!

Secondly…We can invite one James Spader.  I dig ol’ Emmy Award winning actor James Spader, not as much as his former Boston Legal co-star Bill Shatner, but Jim-Spade is a righteous dude.

Of course we need the talented gay community represented, so let’s raise a birthday glass of cheer to Robert Smigel, aka the voice of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, a man who also created SNL’s, The Ambiguously Gay Duo cartoons…That’s funny shit right there.  Here’s a birthday rainbow for you Bobby-Smi, and yes I know you are only gay when being a Super Hero!!

You know what we are missing from this Born on the 7th of February Party?  A hot chick.  So…

It is now, that I invoke the name of one of the hottest chicks to ever grace the landscape of cheese and whey, Wisconsin’s own, Laura Ingalls Wilder…Oh sure she wore long skirts and wrote about family time on the prairie, but beneath that corn-fed façade, she was one hot butter-churner, if ya know what I mean.

And you know, our party needs some color of sorts, and that’s why we need to invite this man to our Birthdays on February 7th Party…

There are a lot of funny people in this world but nobody, and I mean nobody is funnier than this this man who was born February 7, 1965...

Damn right, Chris Rock is a freak of funny nature and he would sit at the, Born on the 7th of February Party at the right hand of the host.

And, who would host such an extravaganza full of talent, wit, and merriment?

Yours truly, because like all of these other awesome people, I was also  born on February 7th.  And in fact, February 7, 1965, which means…

I am as funny as Chris Rock, which of course, you already knew, so…

Don’t fawn all over my greatness, simply wish me...The Matt-Man, and Chris Rock a very Happy Birthday.

Thanks and Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Your Favorite Everything Sucks and Quit Being So Sensitive

Hola all you people with really crummy taste! You know? Something that always amazes me about people is how upset they get if someone doesn’t like what they like. I don’t know why they get so upset if I’m not a fan of the same music or movie or TV show or sports team or whatever that they are. It’s not personal y’all!

Anytime I mention that I don’t like today’s country music someone invariably will say “Well I guess you don’t like me either because I’m a big fan of country music.” Why would they think that? Why do I have to like country music to like them, or be their friend? Do I have to like EVERY SINGLE SINGER AND MUSICIAN who considers themselves “country?”

I get that there are a lot of a-holes out there who hate everyone and everything. It is kind of exhausting having them show up all the time to make sure that you know that they hate whatever it is you like. If you post “Man, that was a great episode of last night,” it seems like there’s always somebody there to tell you that the show you mentioned sucks. I get it. It does get old.

If you notice though, it’s pretty much the same people making the negative comments all the time. It’s the same people who care so little about the Super Bowl (or The Oscars or whatever big event is on at the time) that they have to go on Facebook and Twitter several times to let everyone know that they don’t care. As if WE care. But, like I said, those grumpy, bitchy, whiny people always hate everything. You expect it. Or you should anyway.

What I’m talking about are people who ask me if I liked, say, the show “Friends.” I will say “No, I never found it all that funny.” It’s amazing how often people take that as a personal attack. Almost a “HOW DARE YOU?!”

Art, like beauty is subjective. We have our likes and dislikes and sometimes we like things that are very popular. Sometimes we like things that result in being mocked by our friends. People constantly criticize me for being a Miley Cyrus fan. I can’t help it. She pisses people off and I find it hilarious mostly because they can seem to explain WHY they’re so pissed at her.

I’ve actually met people who don’t like “The Godfather” movies. No really! And I’ve met people who didn’t like “Goodfellas.” I worry about these people sometimes, but I respect their opinion no matter how messed up it is. I’ve also met people who think “The Bill Engval Show” was hilarious. Again, that’s a bit whack, but okay.

The weirdest thing to me is when people apply this crazy attitude to sports. I don’t get why they think I should be a fan of their team and are hurt when I’m not. Seriously, there are people out there who are genuinely personally hurt and offended when I don’t root for their team, when they’re playing MY team. I call these people “Kentucky Basketball Fans.” Fascinating group of people, many of whom I love very much, but they should probably be studied by a sociologist and a psychologist and other –ogists.

Of course this same phenomenon applies to politics, but it’s a little different there. People are beholden to their partisan political beliefs and can’t stand to have their world view challenged. Plus, anyone who disagrees with them hates America or is a racist or both and it goes and on and on and on.

Anyway, quit taking it so personally when someone doesn’t like what you like. Also, quit being an asshole hating on everything and everybody all the time. Oh and if you don’t like the TV show “Justified” you are probably the dumbest, most pathetic idiot that has ever lived. Just kidding! Kind of.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

This Winter Is Messin' With My Mind!!

Cheeeeeeers Chuckleheads, and a Happy Hump Day to you all.

Y’know?  This winter is messing with my mind, my innate good-nature, and my body.  This winter is a wicked pissah!!

The previous two winters, at least here in Bagwine, Ohio, have been very above average…not so cold, not a lot of snow, but this winter?

The winter of 2013-14 has brought the “average” Ohio winter back to its average by being really nasty and really hurtful.

We have suffered through wind chill driven temps to 40 below.  It’s snows nearly every day.  It’s gray, gloomy, and menacing 85% of each and every week.

Listen to me, I am a guy who enjoys a bit of snow, a bit of booger-freezing temps, and some chaotic slip-sliding away traffic highlights on the news, but damn…

This winter, in a word…Sucks.

I hate this winter, mainly because, while I enjoy being a realist and having some self-control, and a “whatever will be, will be” attitude about all things uncontrollable…

I wish I could control Mother Nature enough that I could stick an ice pick crafted by Mother Nature’s very own uncaring hand, and ram it through her cold, callous, and unforgiving frozen heart…several times over.

Ma Nature, needs to die.  And even if I have to have a sex-change operation to make it realistic, I have no qualms about being the axe-wielding Lizzie Borden who strikes her down.

Hell…Even the days run together.  I never know what day it is, and neither does my boss.  When I get to work he will ask me…“What the hell day is it?”

I nearly always reply with the correct answer, but for winter-driven self-assurance, I add a question mark to my reply…

“Wednesday?”

Oh dear GAWD…this winter cannot end soon enough.  As I type this, we are getting hammered yet again by the dastardly douche bag that is Mother Nature, and the snow is falling like the anti-manna from the sky.

Am I bitter?

You’re Goddamn right I am.

The last two months have yielded nothing other than a ghastly, ice cold furnace that blows out nothing more than frozen confetti from the sky, and sub-zero heartache upon my soul…and more importantly, upon my nether regions.

And you know what?

I want my nether regions to be able to cooperate with my libido for at least a couple of more years.  I’m not asking for much.

I just want an average winter, which complies with the length of my manhood and with my average libido.

See?

During the winter season, I always tell Schmoop, that for every inch of snow we get, you will get an inch of Matt-Man

Well folks, we've had like 36 inches of snow this winter, which means one thing...

Yours truly has had to have sex with Schmoop 10 12 18 times the past two months!!

Thanks a lot Mother Nature; your demands are set way too high...and I hate you!!

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@mattman_iws
My Facebook Page

Winter Storms and PETA Attacks

Hola y’all! Man, winter is just never going to end, huh? Oh I know it’s only February 4, but dammit, winter has been going on for months and months and months and I’m ready for it to be over. By the time this is posted, it will almost be time for our second winter storm in three days to hit. Of course the one on Sunday wasn’t supposed to happen.

As of late Saturday the weather “experts” were saying we would get “barely a dusting” of snow. By mid-morning this was our “dusting” …

By early afternoon the snow was still dusting away out there!

In the end we got somewhere around five inches of dusting. The weatherman didn’t even have the decency to be embarrassed at missing by that much. Just warned us that the roads were treacherous and to stay home if we didn’t have to go anywhere.

Luckily though it was just snow though and there wasn’t any sleet or freezing rain. Better than that, it was the really soft snow that doesn’t pack down. It was super easy to clear the car off and snow plows out on Sunday night and some salting left the roads in good shape on Monday. So, with a storm of indeterminate size coming tomorrow followed by bitterly cold weather and more snow on Thursday, Friday and maybe Saturday, I decided I should hit up Walmart. I put on my usual winter weather attire and headed out…

Needless to say there was some panic buying in Redneckville as many people were afraid they wouldn’t get their toast for breakfast this week …

It was pandemonium at the registers as every single lane was six or seven people deep.

And every GOT-DAMN person wanted a price match from the ads in the paper and then to either pay with exact change or by writing a check. Oh no, not “let the cashier auto print the check” either. They wanted to write it out themselves and then dig around for their driver’s license. The whole time I was just staring at my package of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Oreos.

They’re amazing y’all! Anyway, I spent more time in line than I did wandering around looking for the stuff I needed. When I finally made it through I was leaving the store when I realized that not only was there paparazzi outside, but some damn PETA protesters were there too. I was just about to show them my pound of hamburger meat that I bought when one of those PETA freaks attacked me and ruined by winter coat!!

Can you believe how these people behave? They have no social graces whatsoever! I should sue them not only for the cost of my dry cleaning bill, but for my pain and suffering.

Jayman3768@gmail.com
My Facebook
@Jayman_IWS

Making Love Out of Nothing at All

Cheeeeeeeeeers and a Happy Post-Super Bowl Monday to you all!!

I bet many of you who are reading this, have a hangover, which is good, because this post only gets worse from here, and so will your hangover!!

And you know what?  I find that fucking funny.

Seriously…

Of late, the Monday IWS Radio website post has revolved around a recap of the Sunday IWS radio show broadcast, which of course, we didn't do yesterday because most Americans were watching the Super Bowl.

So…

I have to think of something else to write about.  Which of course, isn't fair, hmmmmmmm?

Y’know?

I should still be allowed to write about last night’s IWS Radio show…even though we didn't have one, because…

I bet if we had broadcast a show last night, it would have been awesome!!

Jay would have opined; I would have pontificated, and the audience would have laugh until they stopped.

But alas…

We didn't do a show on which to report, so instead…

I am left here to type in a manner that merely gets the word count of this essay up to a level which makes it appear as though I put some real thought and effort into this post.

And in fact, not including the sentence that you are currently reading, I am up to 203 words, which proves something that I have known all along…

I can say nothing as well as anyone…or is it anybody?  Those two words have always confused me. Anyhoo…

Jayman and I will be doing a show this coming Sunday, February 9th as we celebrate Valentine’s Day, and how it’s a fucking bullshit holiday that revolves around women demanding a price tag on their love, and if it is not met?

Their significant other is a dead man.

Yeah…Valentine’s Day is full of love. Full of men getting kicked in the emotional junk and left needing a Viagra just in order to get it up enough to not pee all over their own feet.

I remember buying flowers for my wife one Valentine’s Day…They were elegant, well crafted, and the most beautiful shade of red I had ever seen.

Unfortunately…

I found out post roso facto, that that year she was in to yellow roses, and evidently my red roses were a big “fuck you” to her yellow rose fascination, of which, I knew nothing about.

That was years ago, but yeah, you guessed it…she’s still a cunt.

Anyway, as I really have nothing to say tonight, I’ll just end it here, and invite you all to listen to Jayman and I next Sunday from 8-10 PM ET…

We will have a hilarious, heart-felt Valentine’s Day themed show, which may or may not include midgets with big hearts, along with huge assed wives who have no souls.

Until then…

Cheers!!

Matt-Man

mattmaniws@ymail.com
@MattMan_IWS
My Facebook Page 

Kevin Durant the Slim Reaper IWS Person of the Week

The IWS Person of the Week is NBA Superstar Kevin Durant!

KD or “Slim Reaper” as his is being called (or you could go with his previous nickname “Durantula” if you prefer) is in his 7^thyear in the league with the Oklahoma City Thunder. He was the #2 overall pick in the 2007 draft out of the University of Texas.

He was also part of the 2012 Team USA gold medal Olympic team.

It’s really hard to believe that back in 2007 people not only argued over who should be the #1 pick, Durant or tOSU’s Greg Oden, but Portland actually took Olden first!!!! Crazy!

Anyway, if you are a racist aren’t an NBA fan you might not have seen what a show Durant has been putting on the last few weeks. He has lit up the scoreboard and carried the Thunder while superstar teammate Russell Westbrook is injured. He scored 30 or more points in 12 straight games. The only reason he was “held” to 26 by the Brooklyn Nets was because the Thunder had such a huge lead Kevin didn’t even play in the fourth quarter!

So anyway, congrats to Kevin Durant not only on his great success in the NBA, but on winning IWS Radio’s Person of the Week!